03x23 - March 22, 2001

[bunniefuu]

and welcome to "whose line is it anyway?" On tonight's show True greg proops.

Word wayne brady.

Wassup? Colin mochrie.

And howdy ryan stiles.

Hey, I'm your host drew carey.

Come on down, let's have some fun.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Hey, welcome to "whose line is it anyway?" The show where everything's made up And the points don't matter.

That's right, the points are like the 12th step To darryl strawberry.

What, is he here? Relax.

He's probably sitting at home, "gee, I'll cheer myself up and watch some 'whose li-- Oh, no!" If you've never seen this show before, What happens is these guys are going to make up everything Off the top of their heads.

At the end of the show, we add up these fakey points I'll be giving them and we pick a fake winner, And the winner gets to do A little something special with me.

Isn't that nice? That's right.

Oh, you know, so do the losers, But the winner gets a cigarette when we're done.

Oh So let's get started, shall we? With a game called "let's make a date.

" Wayne, you are on a dating-type show, And you're going to pick a date to go out with, But you only have to choose Between ryan, colin, and greg.

In these envelopes, We've given them each a strange We've given them each a strange characteristic Or identity, and wayne's going to question them About their suitability for a date And try to guess who they are.

When you're ready, wayne, off you go.

Now I'm ready.



[ woman's voice ]

bachelor number one.

Greg:

[ high voice ]

hello! Hello to you.

I enjoy going all over the world And experiencing brand-new things And brand-new feelings and brand-new scents.

What's your favorite thing to sense? It is so wonderful that you like to do these things.

Always grab the penis With love.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Bachelor number two Bachelor number two.



[ moaning ]

Drew: Ha ha ha ha! Bachelor number two, as you can see, I'm a very fit woman.

I enjoy running, Cross-country, cross-training, And swimming with the dolphins.

What do you like to do in your spare time That keeps you physically fit?

[ moans ]

You're going to have to be a bit more articulate Than that, bachelor number two.

I don't know about that.



[ slurring ]

just want mate.

Bachelor number three? Ryan: Present.

Ooh, I like a man who just jumps to attention When I speak to him.

Well, then, you're out of luck here.

Bachelor number three Yes.

I don't want to brag, but when I was in school, I was good in algebra and in chemistry.

If you had to take me back to school, What would you teach me? Well, I'm not going to teach you anything If we're all sitting here on our flat butts.

Let's get up! Everyone up! Everyone up! Up! You, too.

Stretch out those weary bones.

Stretch out a little.

Stretch those bones out.

Stretch them out.

And like this and like that.

Oh, sit down! Step out, please.

Step out.

For heaven's sake! It's like we haven't been off our asses in 3,000 years.

Don't even think oh, my.

Bachelor number one? Ja? It's so wonderful that you want to go out with people.

Making love is the most important part of life.

Wayne: Well Bachelor number one, Growing up, I have to admit, I loved "josey and the pussycats.

" I always wanted to get up and dance.

Who were your heroes and why? Oh, well, I had so many heroes, But mostly, the penis.

That is the key to a happy relationship, Whether you're watching cartoons or making love Or making love or making love.

Wayne: Bachelor number two That's it! Always like this! Oh, you're impetuous! You're impetuous! I love that!

[ moaning ]

Very good.

Ryan: Very good.

Keep it going.

Shake it, shake it! Shake the booty, shake the booty! Sit down.

Sit down now.

Your enthusiasm is infectious.

Bachelor number three? Ryan: Yes.

Crumple, crumple, crumple, crumple.

Bachelor number three? Yes.

Oh, you're a little bit irritated.

We've got three eks to opening.

It's never going to come together.

He's sand, for god's sake.

I'm stuck with miss penis.



[ buzzer ]

It's going to be tough, I know, But guess who they are.

Let's see.

Bachelor number one Greg is dr.

Ruth westheimer.

Drew: Yes.

Bachelor number two, you are the mummy.

Yeah, he's the mummy.

He's a mummy.

He's a mummy, I don't know if he's the mummy.

To me, he's the mummy.

Audience: Aww.

And bachelor number three, You are an ill-tempered broadway director Anxious for his Broadway what? Direc-- choreographer.

Yes! That was good.

I'm going to give 1,000 points To, uh, greg for that one.

I haven't seen you crawl on your knees like that Since you got the show.

That was just fantastic.

Let's go on to a game called "narrate.

" This is for colin and ryan.

They're going to act out a film noir scene And narrate to each other To some music we picked out for them.

What we need from the audience Is an unlikely place for a film noir scene.

Woman: Market.

Man: Disneyland.

The market, the market.

So you're, like, at the supermarket.

Whenever you hear the music, take it away.



[ slow piano music playing ]

Three years ago in a produce museum, The casabas of melnar were stolen.

I had trailed the casabas all over the globe, And I ended up in this strange market In the middle of nowhere.

I knew I was getting closeTo the end.

Excuse me.

Happen to see any casabas That are dusty and diamond-encrusted? You're talking melons, ain't you? Yeah.

Drew: Ha ha ha.

Oh, I knew him.

I knew him from years ago.

He wasn't worth anything then, He's not worth anything now.



[ click, click ]



[ laughter and applause ]

He marked me down.

Nothing gets my dander up faster.

Nothing.

Excuse me.

You can't just do that.

Hey, what's that bulge?

[ cheers and applause ]

I knew what the bulge was, But I wasn't going to tell him.

I didn't fancy him.

He had a face That a scanner couldn't put a price on.

Look, I don't want any trouble, mister.

I'm just trying to do my job.

I knew he was trying to do his job.

He thought I didn't see the casabas Hiding in his cheeks.



[ laughter and applause ]

This guy was smart, but not that smart.

All right, hand over the casabas.

I know you got them.

I need them.

He said casabas.

Actually, only one was a casaba.

The other was a goiter.

I'm not sure what that is, But I see it on a lot of sitcoms.

There you go.

There's your casaba.

Where's the other one? I let him think for a while 'cause I knew he had the answer.

I knew it was a good answer And he was going to tell it to me, 'cause when you ask a question, you expect an answer Because that's the way it works Question, answer.

Answer, question.

If he gave the answer, I'd have to come up with a question, And that would be "jeopardy!" that's wrong.



[ buzzer ]

That was great.

1,000 each to wayne and greg.

Good job, guys.

Now let's go to a little game Called "song styles.

" This is for wayne With laura hall and linda taylor.

Now, uh, who in the audience thinks They have a weird job? Raise your hand.

You, what's your job? Woman: Ice skating coach.

That's not so weird, but that's kind of different.

Let me go up here and meet you.

Ice skating coach.

What's your name? Alexis.

Alexis, you're an ice skating coach? Come on down here.

Let's meet the guys.

How are you doing? Nice to see you.

Go on down and say hello to wayne.

Come here.

Alexis here is an ice skating coach.

Ice skating coach.

Right.

And you are going to sing this song to her And make up words to a song, And you're going to sing it as michael and janet jackson.

So take it away.

Both of them? Yeah, both of them.



[ electric guitar playing ]

whoo

[ breathing heavily ]

whoo I met this girl alexis I knew that she was nice she said, hey, michael, I'll put you on the ice I'm looking at her she's got a nice butts hey, can you teach me to do a triple lutz? oh, alexis whoo alexis Go, janet.



[ singing softly ]

Sing up, janet.

Sorry.

hear people say ice skating ain't guano but one day I'm gonna be just like brian boitano 'cause alexis, whoo! alexis because she's alexis oh whoo Drew: Thank you.

We'll be right back With more "whose line" right after this.

Don't go away.

Thank you.

Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?" The show where everything's made up And the points don't matter, And, hey, if you want a copy of tonight's show, Just, uh, keep on watching abc.

It's bound to turn up again sometime.

Let's keep the show going on With a game called "the millionaire show.

" This is, uh, greg, you're going to be host Of a show called "the millionaire show.

" Ryan's going to be the contestant on the show.

Colin is the friend at home.

Wayne, you're the guy in the audience.

Uh, the twist is This is the hillbilly version of "the millionaire show.

" We all know our hillbillies.

So take it away whenever you're ready.

Hi, everybody.

My name's delbert And this is "the millionaire show.

" Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo-hoo! Oh! We are gonna have more fun Than a greased pig in a roomful of cousins.

I kid you not.

Ha ha ha.

We got a contestant here.

Last week he won $2.

50.

I'm sorry I spit on you.

That's a lot of money.

I was going to quit at $2.

50, But for $4 I can buy my dream home, So I'm going on.

And then you can park that home anywhere.

That's right, and wait for guys in canoes.

Okay, well, You're up to $11.

15.

I know.

Only 8$ more to go till we get to that million.

$8 and $15 is It's a lot.

I know it's a lot.

We don't have time for that.

Well, here we go.

Here's the first question.

Are you Let me put on my thinking cap.

You don't want to think too hard yet.

You ain't heard the question.

It'd be easier to answer it if I heard the question.

Okay, red and blue is A purple, B two different colors, C something else, And d I don't know.

Man, I think it's "d", but Do you want to use one of your lifelines? I'm going to have to use a lifeline.

Okay, which lifeline you want to use? Well, I got a relative in the off-- My sister's cousin uncle brother is up there.

I'd like to talk to her him.

Hey, how do you do? Hey, hey.

Hey, hey, y'all.



[ wayne imitates sheep ]

sh**t it.

What? Did you hear the question? Of course I heard it.

I'm the edumacated one.

Oh, well You got your thinking cap on? It's on.

Okay.

Go.

You want me to say "b"? No, I really mean "d".

"d" is duh, I don't know.

Hell, yeah.

Yahoo! You sure about that? Well, I'm going to have to go along with him And say "d" I don't know.

Is that your final answer? Of course not.

I'm going to say "b".

Okay.

You're right! What? That's right.

Wayne: Whoo! What did I say? I can't remember now.

It don't matter.

I don't know.

Whoo-hoo! We got time for 80 or 90 more questions.

We're going to do one more.

All right.

I got to go on.

Here we go.

You know, this one's for $18,000.

It is? Yeah.

We jump from $4 to $18,000 And the questions increase in the difficulty.

That is almost twice as much.

It's more than twice as much.

Too much money for me.

Okay, here we go.

The capital of wyoming is Wyoming is A cheyenne Cheyenne.

B w W.



[ cheers and applause ]

All right.

C C ark Arkansas.

Or d hell, I don't know that, But I think my uncle bubba do.

Hell, I don't know that, But I think my uncle bubba do.

W.

You want to try for a lifeline I think I'm going to have to use a lifeline.

Okay, who you gonna call? I'm gonna call my best friend In the world pittiebow.

Pittiebow? Pittiebow.

Pittiebow? Why they call him pittiebow? 'cause he he used to sh**t things with arrows.

He used to put the bow under his pitties, Under his pitties and the pittiebow.

Why you don't ring up that old boy right now? Well, I never worked one with buttons before.

Oh, never mind.

We got him on the line.

Hello? Colin: Howdy.

Hey, I'm talking to you, but I can't see you anywhere.

I know.

Hey, pittiebow.

Pittiebow? I hear you.

You ever been to wyoming? Wyoming? That yeah.

Is the capital Oh! Oh, my bow just went off.

Pittiebow, we don't got a lot of time.

You got 20 seconds To give him all four, starting now.

Is it "a", "b", "c", or "d"? What? What? Which ones? What? If grease were brains, You wouldn't grease too big a skillet, boy.

Cheyenne! Cheyenne's the capital of wyoming! He says cheyenne.

Thank you, pittiebow.

Cheyenne.

You going to go with, then, "a"? I'm going to have to go with "b" "w".

Hmm.

Is you sure? I'll take "a".

Cheyenne? Cheyenne it is.

Is that your final answer? No, "w" "b".

You going back to "b"? Yeah.

W.

B.

, 'cause that's my favorite network.

Well, sure it is.

Ever since they took "mama's place" off, There ain't nothing Oh, I loved that show.

Oh, hell.

Listen Your last answer was "b," and that's the answer.

"w" is the capital of wyoming.

Yeah!

[ buzzer ]

Thanks.

You're going to see a commercial.

We'll be right back with more "whose line is it anyway?" Right after this.

Don't go away.

Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?" Tonight's winner greg proops.

Greg proops is the winner.

Yes, it's true.

He gets to do Something with me special a little later.

First, the rest of us are going to do a hoedown for you, uh, And what I need from the audience Is I need to know a fun place to go on a date.

Woman: Disneyland.

Skydiving, skydiving.

Skydiving let's do the skydiving hoedown With help of laura hall on the piano.

Thank you, laura hall.

Skydiving hoedown whenever you're ready.

when I start datin', they say, "you're insane" wayne, why do you take your dates up in a plane? because I know that a girl loves the way I go and so if the date goes well guess who'll be yelling geronimo! well, I say skydiving's the best way to call it off when you and your girlfriend had just had enough and here's how you do it don't think that I'm insane you get her up there, take her chute off and kick her off the plane

[ cheers and applause ]

Whoo-hoo! I jumped out of the plane my parachute had failed all the blood rushed from me my complexion paled everywhere you could hear my scared call luckily, all my urine broke my fall I was skydiving when my parachute failed I couldn't stop I just sailed and sailed and sailed but I looked around and I was no dummy I survived 'cause I landed on drew carey's tummy on drew carey's tummy We'll be right back with more "whose line ist anyway?" Right after this.

D the credits.

Greg, I want you to read the credits As dr.

Ruth giving advice to everybody.

Good night, everybody.

Thanks for watching.

See you later.

Well, first of all, You want to grab dan patterson, And you want to squeeze him.

Squeeze that's what makes him happy.

You take drew carey and you hold him like this, And you just pinch.

You pinch.

You p-- Oh, look.

You all come to join me.

How nice of you.

Then you can take jean severson.

Remember, what you want to do is you want to squeeze.

That delays the pleasure.

Then later later then comes blessed relief.