01x12 - Win at All Costas

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Ryan. This is Bob Costas.

Oh my God! Oh my God!
Oh, God! Oh my God!

Hey, Ryan. This is Bob Costas.
Hey, Ryan. This is Bob Costas.

Hey, Ryan
Why won't you play whole message?

Because Bob Costas is my hero.

***

I like to believe there's a God.

I know there's a Costas.

And he called you.
That's good, right?

Unless it's bad.
He's a notoriously savage critic.

Maybe he called to say
he doesn't like the show.

He's the entire reason
they canceled 'My Name is Earl'.

You're great.
You don't need his approval.

You know what? You're right.

To hell with that guy.

He doesn't decide my worth.

I decide my worth.

***

***

***

Now.

Ooh, what will we play next,
Bob Costas?

I have news. My niece
is having her quinceanera.

It's a beautiful celebration
for girl's 15th birthday.

Wow, did the group
just share

two pieces of good news
in a row?

Time for Anne to throw
some cold water on everything.

[Chuckles]

And that is just the kind
of joke we're not ready for yet.

Look for invitations.
All my best families,

all my best friends.
It's time.

Oh, no.
Are we all gonna die?

No, the Mars Curiosity soil
sample arm is about to engage.

Ryan, Mr. K's an accomplished
aerospace engineer

with the jet propulsion labs.

I'm sorry.
Mr. K is a rocket scientist?

Yes, he's been designing
the Curiosity rover

for ten years now.

I just played a small part.

You make it sound
like I'm Dr. Adam Seltzner,

who, by the way,
just left me a message.

Didn't feel the need
to make a big deal about it.

An 8 centimeter robot arm

is about to take
a soil sample on Mars.

If it succeeds,

my life has been worth living.

If it fails,
I'll be like Yolanda.

Oh, it's okay.
We have a thing

where we're mean to each other,
but it's fun.

No, we don't.

Oh, here it goes.

Come on, baby.
Do your business.

Dvvvft.
Dvvvft.

[Gasps]
It dvvvft-ed.

Oh, congratulations.
Let's hear it for Mr. K.

But not too loud, as we know
it sexualized him in the past.

That's great, man.

I can't wait to hear what
you're gonna do next.

- Next?
- Well, you know, that's over,

so what's your next challenge?

You're right.

I have nothing.

No, no, no.
I was just...

My life has no purpose.

I'm just waiting to die.

Like Yolanda.

Carrie, I'm getting antsy

waiting for Bob Costas
to call back.

- Costas is on the phone.
- It's happening.

It's happening.

Bob.
Ryan king?

Yeah, this is Bob Costas.
"Hey, Ryan,

this is Bob Costas."
Like the message you left me.

I've listened to it
like a thousand times.

It's like if Stairway to heaven
called me.

Funny, I actually played
the message you left for me

- a bunch of times too.
- Really?

No. Listen, I'm rolling out
a new TV show.

I think there might be
a place for you.

You come do a spot.
If it works,

we're in business.
What do you say?

- Bob, I'm really flattered.
- Great.

Call my office,
and we'll set it up.

It could win you another Emmy.

Actually, I don't have any.

Tell you what,
I'll bring one of mine over,

you can keep it.
Okay.

Ryan, that's amazing.

I can't do TV.

Why not?

Have you never googled him?

What do you do all day

besides read your old lady
soap opera magazines?

Long ago,
Ryan tried his hand at TV.

One fateful day,

found himself on camera
next to a Mr. Richard Eisen.

We're talking football, then
he switched it up to soccer,

took me out of my comfort zone.

The lights,
the cameras recording an image.

One that would end up
on the Internet

and be seen by everyone.

This is why I can't do TV
anymore,

even if Bob Costas himself
asked me back in.

Ryan, we've all had
embarrassing moments.

Remember Owen's story
about how he was on the beach

wearing only a towel,

then a white horse
came and ate his towel?

That never happened.

Lauren, I might be having
dreams about Owen.

Sonia, don't start
another group affair.

That's how we lost Carl.

Dude, that was worth it.

Nothing's worth it anymore.

My life is devoid of meaning

or purpose or hope.

What brave emotional honesty.
Let's discuss that further.

No, Ryan has his thing.
My despair can wait.

Yeah.

So, Ryan,
if this had gone well,

you'd still be doing TV?

Yeah, if I could go back
and erase that, yeah.

Then go back on that show
and get it right this time.

Yeah.
Eisen would have me back on.

It'd be tough to pull off
without Janie around, though.

She knew just how to relax me.

She would smile
and give me a scalp massage

and tell me
that I was gonna be great,

and I believed her.

That's it.
That's my new purpose.

- What?
- Ryan.

I'm going to replace Janie.
What?

I'm capable.
I can do great things.

Dvvvft. Dvvvft.
Dvvvft.

Wow, it's like she's back.

Hello.

Owen.

What do you wear
to a quinceanera?

You know, Danny,
I'm happy you asked,

because, if you don't commit to
the appropriate cultural garb,

it's really offensive.

Hoo.
I would hate to offend someone.

Well, you have
bullfighter stuff, right?

- No.
- Dude, we need to go shopping.

We need to get you
some...

Fausta, honey, there's been
some kind of mistake.

You forgot to send me an
invitation to the quinceanera.

I didn't forget.

You are not invited.

Wait a minute.

Not that I care...
I mean, I clearly have

way better things to do...
Why not?

Because you are... how you say...
You are sour,

you are difficult.

Momento.
Sonia wrote a few down for me.

"You are wet blanket,
bummer,

buzz k*ll,
bit-cah?"

How you read?

- "Bitch."
- Yes. That's good.

"Bitch."

If Jenny were here
and you have something in your chin

and she told you,
would you appreciate that?

- Yeah.
- Put this poppy seed in your teeth.

Well, look who it is dipping
his toe back in the TV waters.

Returning to the scene of the
crime, Ryan, it's a bold move.

Hey, very nice of you
to have me on,

especially after all the sh*ts
I take at you on the air.

Well, what happens
on the radio

is between you
and Dan from Burbank.

Listen, is there anything
I can get you?

Coffee, medication,
anything to help you avoid

another epic meltdown like
the last time you were on TV?

You know, I figured out
what happened last time.

I had an allergic reaction
to your hair gel.

Shouldn't be a problem anymore,
huh, Rich Eisen?

I'm frozen without retort,
sort of like...

Oh, is that playing on every
possible screen behind me?

Yeah, it is.

We've been practicing this
ever since you called.

[Chuckles]

He's gonna destroy me.

When people leave ESPN,

they're angry, deranged.

What does Chris Berman
do to them?

Shh.

No, Mr. K, you can't...

Oh, oh, so good.
Oh...

Now take off your shirt.

- Get out.
- Okay.

And we are on in three,

two...

[Music begins]

Welcome to Rich Eisen live.

It's Ryan King
on the show, everybody,

and, Ryan, we are gonna talk
about the NFL,

but first I'd love
to talk a little bit of soccer

and get your thoughts

on this year's
premier league championship.

Ryan, you okay?

Yes, I'm just surprised
by the easy question.

I love an underdog.

That's why I'm
a big Rich Eisen fan.

So I'm going with man city
to repeat.

Especially since their
vice-Captain Micah Richards

will be back in boots.

It's a pleasure
talking footie with you.

All right.
I got this.

I'm ready for Costas.

This is called a walk-off.

It's a baseball term,
Rich Eisen.

Whoo!
My man!

Making my moment weird.
Get out, get out, get out.

[Knock at door]

Do you experience me
as a wet blanket? A bummer?

Anne, you're kind of catching
me off guard here, but yeah.

Fausta didn't invite me
to her niece's thing.

I mean, yes, okay, I'm not
all sunshine and rainbows,

but my life is hell.

I'm basically drowning
in a sea of sorrow.

Hard to imagine
why she wouldn't want that

at a 15-year-old's party.

I can be as difficult
as I want.

My stuff is bigger than hers.

I don't think
she sees it that way.

Why are you defending her?
Why aren't you mad?

Well, I was invited.

What?
It never even occurred

to me
that she would invite you.

That's it.

She's not getting away
with this.

Honey, is she bothering you?

What the [Bleep]
is this?

I don't want to know.

So will I be joining you for
your special TV show tomorrow?

Well, the stakes
are pretty high tomorrow.

Why don't we discuss it
over dinner?

Let's take a look
at this lasagna.

You were in there for
three hours, and this is cereal.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Maybe we skip tomorrow.

- What are you doing?
- I'm loosening up.

I heard Costas goes in hard
for the handshake.

He believes he can measure
a man's worth

by his grip, and I don't want
to come up short.

Just think, Carrie.

Any moment he's gonna walk up
with that voice.

"Hi, I'm Bob Costas.

Hi, I'm Bob Costas."

Hi, I'm Bob Costas.

He does it so much better.

- Good to meet you, Ryan.
- Oh, thanks for ha...

You know,
everybody I shake hands with

has pretty much
that same reaction.

And the funny thing is,

I'm a natural lefty.
[Laughter]

Who's this?
Oh, that doesn't matter.

All right, look,
I got to find out

what you're all about.
Just vibe with me here.

I want to try something, okay?

Go with me.
Epic, defining moments,

blah, blah, blah,

unscripted drama of sports,
blah, blah, blah,

Mr. October,
blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, this is gonna work.
Here are the topics.

Look 'em over, and I'll see you
for the second segment.

- Okay.
- Hey, Bob Costas.

Put her there.
Ow.

Oh, my God.
This is perfect.

Hockey,
the state of the Red Sox...

This is everything
I ever talk about.

Can I touch you up
before the sh**t?

[Chuckles]
TV.

You're not gonna try
to put anything in my eyes

to make them pop,
are you?

[Laughter]
Actually, could you?

[Latin music playing]

♪ ♪

- I love this guy.
- [Laughs]

Owen, where's your outfit?

You're offending everyone here.

Everyone is offending
everyone here.

Oh, Danny, the jacket,
that's Owen's fault,

but the shoes... ooh, the shoes
are on you, bud.

- Hey.
- Anne, what are you doing here?

Shut it, Aladdin.

Fausta does not get
to exclude me from this.

Look there.
A completely empty table.

All right,
out of the way, girls.

Widow coming through.
Yeah, that's right.

Life ain't all Justin Bieber
and second base.

We're back in five.

Hello, is Ryan King here?
He forgot his lunch.

- Who are you?
- Who are you?

I'm Bob.

What do you do, Bob?

I'm a sports broadcaster.

Is that all?
My name is Mr. K.

Robert Quinlan cost...

Well, all right, Mr. K.
I'm listening.

Sports broadcasting...
How long have you done that?

Well, I was the voice
of the spirits of St. Louis

of the A.B.A. back in 1974.

Huh, I spent the last
ten years building a robot arm

that goes dvvvft, dvvvft.

Now I have to be brave enough
to ask, "what's next?"

You know,
I can relate to that.

Here I am with a new show,

and yet I'm talking
about sports.

There's so much more
I could talk about...

Philosophy,
poetry, music,

nanotechnology.

I'd watch that show.

I could do that show.

But you won't.

That candy, is that, like,
for anybody?

Hoo.
Hey, gator,

forget about the graphics

on the kings
and the Red Sox.

Load these in.
Okay, thanks.

Hey, Ryan,
this is gonna be good.

We're gonna change things up
a little bit.

Why? I was excited for the way
things were going to exactly be.

I talked to him.
You're welcome.

Ooh, your eyes look awesome.

And welcome back to a new and
we think improved Bob Costas show.

There's a lot to talk about
out there,

and Ryan King is here
to help us get

to the bottom of it all.

Thank you, Bob.
For the first time,

Los Angeles is a hockey town.

When the L.A. Kings
won the cup...

Ryan, let's take a look
at the first graphic, all right?

Thoughts?

Uh...

No.
Tale of the tape:

Leonardo Fibonacci,
mathematician.

Born 1170, Pisa.
d*ed 1240, Pisa.

Your thoughts
on the Fibonacci sequence...

Divine numerical progression

or cruel illusion of order
out of chaos?

No, Costas
is going intellectual.

You want to talk numbers,

911, that's a sequence
of numbers

that you should call.

The fashion police to talk

about that firbucci's hat there.

Has Ryan had the talk
with you?

About how he's secretly stupid?

- He is?
- Big time.

Doesn't know
what the Taj Mahal is.

Uses the word "literally" wrong
all the time.

He does.
The other day,

he said it was literally
1,000 degrees.

What he's brilliant at
is steering a conversation back

to his sweet spot.

He's got two moves... first,
hard turn back into sports.

Now personally I'd say
that's too much power

even for a supreme court justice
to have.

Well, you want to talk about
a justice with too much power...

David justice.
Hit a lot of home runs, Bob,

but how many of them
were clean?

I mean, how many of 'em
should have

a little star thingy
next to 'em?

You mean, an asterisk?

He doesn't know
the word "asterisk."

I've heard him call it
an asteroid.

His other move is distracting

with lame pop culture
references.

Here's my question...

Where has all the talk
about Monet and Manet gone?

All kids learn about is Dali
and M.C. Escher.

Well, I would like
to quote another M.C.

No.
No.

- M.C. Hammer.
- No.

Because, when you take
the Monets and the Manets,

you can't touch this.

Am I right?

Last topic:
Space or time?

Which are we really moving
through, and ultimately

does it matter?

Ryan.
Ryan.

Well, our thanks to...

Ryan King.

And the Bob Costas show
continues after these messages.

- We're clear.
- All right.

Let's change this
back to sports.

That sucked.

[Buzzer]

Did you see that,
what just happened?

That was literally
a train wreck.

No, Ryan, it was figuratively
a train wreck.

- What?
- That was awesome, Ryan.

You!

You ruined everything.

Just like Janie used to?

I told you
to stay home.

But you forgot
your lunch.

This is pictures of food!

Look, be as weird
as you want in group,

but this is my life.

This could have been

a huge opportunity for me,
and you ruined it.

I don't want your help anymore.

I make things worse.

I'm gonna need
those eyelashes back.

[Scoffs]
What lashes?

[Latin music playing]

- Anne.
- Yeah.

If you're gonna be here,
would you care

to come sit someplace
less conspicuous?

Look at her
having so much fun

with her family
and her friends

while I sit at the table
with my partner, loneliness.

Yeah, I'm off the clock.

[Tapping]

- Bueno, bueno.
- Hey!

Banana shoes, come.
Translate for me.

I want to hear
what she says about me.

No, don't sit
at the table.

It lessens my isolation.

[Speaking spanish]

[Applause]

She's glad that we made it.

She loves her niece.

Wow, what an orator.

Move over, Abe Lincoln.

[Continues speaking spanish]

Oh, here it is.

What'd she say about me?

"This table is left empty
to honor those

"who can't be here with us.

"Like, two beautiful sons,
my husband, my little girl.

Every day I miss them."

[Continues speaking spanish]

"Being without them
fills me with a great sorrow."

Disculpame!

She's apologizing for my shoes.

She's explaining
don't be mad at me.

[Laughter]

My head is soft
like a...

There's not
an exact translation,

but it's a large,
Mexican gourd-like vegetable.

[Applause]

Fausta, I'm sorry
that you miss your family.

I'm sorry
I sat at your table.

I, uh, I am a bit-cah.

No.

It's okay.

You and these people,

you help fill
my empty table.

Oh, my chiquita.

How do you do it?

How do you smile
with so much pain?

You can smile
or you can cry.

And I choose to smile.
You people help.

Come on.

Let's get you fun clothes.

- What?
- No more sad man suit.

This is a good suit.

No, it's not
supposed to be.

♪ Hola my little mama ♪

♪ the way you move it,
you get me going ♪

Oh!
[Exclamations]

Anne, you look so pretty.

Yeah, Fausta's niece
made a costume change,

so this was available.

Now come with me, senorita.
We find you a man.

- Oh.
- And don't say no.

Why can't she find a man?

Maybe she's shy.

- That's it.
- Vamonos.

Oh, good God.
[Laughter]

Okay, I'm first.

Hey. Hi.

Hi. So the Costas thing
didn't go so well, huh?

It was literally
the apocalypse.

Look, Mr. K is really upset.

He feels responsible.

I think
you should go talk to him.

No.
I got enough problems.

I let that guy
back into my life,

there'll be no end to it.

The man is a menace.

Ryan, do you remember
how excited you were

when you thought Bob Costas
was gonna be in your life?

Yeah.

You are Mr. K's Bob Costas.

Now I'm really sorry
you lost yours,

but does he have
to lose his too?

Oh, God,
look at him.

Are those tears in his beard?
Yeah.

Becoming a better person
is such a drag.

[Chuckles]

- Hi.
- Hi.

I'm sorry
I yelled at you.

You were just trying
to help.

It won't happen again.

Put this poppy seed
in your mouth.

You have something
in your teeth.

Thank you.

We're back.

How long
we gonna do this for?

Exactly 45 seconds.

Okay.

- Starting now.
- Okay.

Lots going on
in the world of sports,

and we will talk
about none of it.

You all remember
this instant classic, don't you?

Well, now he has a brother.

Christmas has come early,
Rich Eisen fans,

or Hanukkah, Kwanzaa.

Ryan King's humiliation
knows no religious boundaries.

It's the gift from the heavens,
the gift that keeps on giving.

Eisen, you evil bastard.
You win again.

[Chuckles]
Oh, honey, you're on TV.