SIMON: Hola, Lauren.
¿Como está usted?
I don't speak Spanish, Simon.
Really? I thought
you were Puerto Rican.
I thought she was Moroccan.
I had you for Portuguese.
I thought you were Lebanese.
- I'm from Long Island.
- Oh.
You're our diversity hire.
If anyone asks,
tell them you're "other."
Now, can you call
security and get
a parking pass
for this new intern?
- She starts tomorrow.
- You got it.
I love when we have interns.
Finally, someone else can get
everyone's stupid coffees.
Oh, and when
you're done with that,
can you get me a macchiato
from that place downstairs?
Of course. Happy to do it.
We're getting a new intern?
Are you sure this
is a good idea
after the whole sexual
harassment thing
last time, with Zach?
It's pretty unnerving, but I
eventually dropped the charges.
She wasn't completely wrong.
You were kind of asking for it
wearing those pants.
"Kelsi Lasker."
I wonder how she got
the job. Oh, wait.
Isn't Lasker Lunch Meats
one of our biggest clients?
Just because someone is the
daughter of an important person
does not mean
that they are not worthy.
- Mm. - She gets that
confidence from me.
Look, she's got a 3.9 GPA.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yes, from the...
"Lasker School of Business."
Very impressive.
She graduated
Phi Beta Cold Cut.
Fine. Make all the jokes
that you want,
but wealth and power do not
automatically equal success.
- Mm.
- Okay, sure she comes
from an influential family,
but because of that,
she has faced doubters like
you two every step of the way.
Is she championing the cause
of the over-privileged?
Well, that's a stance a lot of
people are afraid to take.
You guys have no idea
what it's like.
People writing off your
accomplishments as luck.
- Uh-huh. - Lack of obstacles,
making it almost impossible
- to prove yourself.
- Oh. So hard.
Fine. I'm done standing here
while you besmirch
her character.
Last name "Lasker""
She has a red Mercedes,
Model S550.
- Oh!
- Oh!
You know, a lot
of people drive Mercedes.
Happens to be one of
the safest cars on the road.
License plate
reads "Princess."
The last "S" is a money sign.
- Mm-hmm!
- Mm-hmm!
Maybe regular "princess"
was taken.
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
(elevator bell dings)
- I got it.
- Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Maybe we shouldn't
go up at the same time.
- Oh, come on. - Well,
people might know
we were together last night.
Ugh, we can't keep doing this.
Why do we keep doing this?
Look, it's not our fault.
We're both you, hot,
great-smelling.
They throw us up there
in that terrarium
they call a workplace,
what do they think
is going to happen?
I know. Right?
We're like those pandas
at the National Zoo.
Yeah... young, hot pandas.
I-I can't.
I-I just think I
need something more.
Yeah. More.
- Yeah.
- I totally...
Not from you.
From a human capable of it.
Thank God. Oh, my God, you had
me scared there for a second.
(elevator bell dings)
Well, Zach, it was great running
into you in the elevator.
I guess we'll see each other
around the office,
because that's totally normal.
So, how long have you guys been
sleeping together this time?
- Couple weeks.
- Mm.
I asked her for a
hand with this job,
she misunderstood, and
I just went with it.
Well, as your boss,
I have to caution you
against office romances.
They can be sticky,
so tread carefully.
But as a follower
of your Tumblr, I say,
change the names and go for it.
So, how's the new intern?
Great. She's gonna be
great when she gets here.
(elevator bell dings)
She's a little late.
Sorry, sorry.
Total roommate drama.
- Uh, Kelsi, I'm Sydney. We spoke
on the phone. - Oh, thanks.
Anyway, I just moved in
with my friend Brooke.
Kind of regretting it.
She's such an Aries.
Ugh. The... worst.
Yeah. We're dealing
with this whole
who-gets-the-bigger-room
situation.
She's being
so emo bratty about it.
Check out the text she sent me.
"IDK"?
It means "I don't know."
Just give it to me.
"IDK what your deal is.
I can only assume."
That does feel attacking. Right?
"I can't even bring
up the room situation
without you literally
jumping down my throat."
Not the correct
use of "literally""
Yeah, because she literally
has rocks for brains.
Uh, no, she doesn't.
- Simon?
- Mm-hmm.
The meeting
with the non-alcoholic
wine people is in five minutes.
So, what do you guys think
I should do?
I think we should table
this discussion till later.
Why are you yelling at me?
He's not yelling at you.
He's just saying things are
a little hectic right now.
Oh, my God,
you don't have to att*ck me.
I'm sorry.
So, how long is
this internship for?
- Three months.
- And Lasker is...?
A $30 million account.
Right. Good.
In advertising,
there's a classic theory
called "The Habit Loop."
SYDNEY:
Everyone has some habit
that they're trying to break.
The trick is to replace
the bad habit with one
that's a little less dangerous.
(sneezes)
Sorry. Allergies.
SYDNEY: Anyway, in the
case of your product,
non-alcoholic wine,
it's an extremely easy sell.
I mean, you're literally giving
people a healthy alternative
to a habit they already have.
(sneezes)
Oh, this damn pollen.
(chuckles)
SIMON:
Like in the '80s,
when I replaced coke
with the new coke,
which was just my nickname
for speed, really.
Eventually I went back
to classic coke,
and I liked it
better than ever.
I just tried your Sober-Syrah,
and I have to say,
this is so good,
I'm gonna skip the A.A. meeting
and go straight
to coffee and a cigarette.
ANDREW: Normally,
I have to pour my wine into
a coffee mug at work,
but not with your Merlot-To-Go.
It's actually just grape juice.
Gonna want to downplay that.
Excuse me...
Cindy, you have a call
on that plugged-in phone thingy.
Ooh! You guys day-drinking?
Oh, it's the fake stuff.
Never mind.
Kelsi, thank you so much.
Why don't you take a message
and tell them
I'll call them back.
See, this is the problem.
People just don't see
the product as cool.
How could we make this hip
for your generation?
Do you guys really want
to know what I think?
Kelsi is just the intern.
Yeah, but they did
ask her opinion,
and she's the
target demo, and...
I mean, come on... people
used to dismiss me like this.
Let's give her a chance.
Okay. Gentlemen, Kelsi.
"IDK what your deal is.
I can only assume ""
Total bitch, right?
I'm sorry.
What's happening here?
KELSI:
I found the apartment.
I should get the bigger room.
SMH.
(sighs) SMH?
- Shaking my head. - Like
your dad is doing.
This phone smells
like marijuana.
NBD.
You haven't come over
the last three nights.
Message received.
You want more.
So, here's what I'm proposing.
A weekend away.
Just the two of us.
You can invite that half-Asian
friend, if you want.
As generous as that offer is,
I told you, Zach,
you and I are done hooking up.
You're a bad habit,
and I need to stop.
Okay... if that's
how you feel.
(sniffles)
Uh, if my name
comes up in the ladies'
room, say good things.
You know, talk about
how I am with my nephew.
That was impressive.
Where'd you get
that willpower from?
It's that habit loop thing.
I just replaced my Zach habit
with something less bad for me.
- Like what? - I've been getting
together with Andrew.
Oh, not like that.
After work, we go,
we have coffee, we talk.
I think that more
than the sex with Zach,
I was just looking for a fun guy
to hang out with.
So you've been asking Andrew out
for coffee?
- Yeah. It's just friends.
- Does he know that?
I mean, he just
broke up with Nancy.
He's kind of
vulnerable right now.
I mean, he wore his sad pants
four days in a row last week.
Come on. It's Andrew. Of course
he knows it's just friends.
He's like my brother.
Oh, hey, guys.
Hey, Lauren.
Toast. Toast. Toast.
Off to make the toast.
(laughs)
Yeah, that's gonna
be a problem.
So, Kelsi, you've been with us,
you know, for a week now,
and we wanted
to have a little chat,
you know,
give you a little feedback.
Look, I know
I've messed up a few things.
Messed up? No, no.
Growing pains,
the learning curve.
- Are you enjoying your time here?
- Mm...
Did you tell your dad
you're enjoying your time here?
What we're saying is,
there's, you know,
maybe a few small places where
you could improve a little.
Mm.
Like maybe
a little less texting.
SIMON:
And the time you went to Cancun
for two days and
didn't tell anyone...
you know, just check in.
Can everyone stop
yelling at me right now?
This is a normal tone of voice.
She's just shrill.
She gets that from her mother.
You know, I am dealing with
a really stressful
roommate situation.
Okay, and, besides,
let's be honest.
Does it even matter how
I do at this internship?
What do you mean?
I mean, I'm set no matter what.
You know what I'm saying.
Probably more than anyone.
I'm not quite sure
I'm catching your drift.
Easy.
No matter what I do,
I'm gonna be fine.
My daddy will just
give me a job,
just like yours did for you.
My dad... did...
He did not just
give me this job.
(laughs) Keep telling
yourself that, Cindy.
Listen to me,
you little twerking moron.
Okay, I wanted to give you
the benefit of the doubt,
but you and I are nothing alike!
Okay, I earned this job,
and you don't even try!
Or at least, I pray to God
that you aren't trying,
because if this is you trying,
then that is really pathetic!
No, see, that was yelling.
(Kelsi scoffs)
Uh-oh.
Kelsi...
Kelsi, wait.
I never should have
lost my temper.
Uh, we could use more emoticons
on inner-office memos,
just like you suggested!
Oh, go to hell! Send
my love to your dad!
Tell that kook
I'll see him on the links.
(laughs)
Oh, $30 million
just flipped us off.
- Okay, so here's the good news.
- Uh-huh.
If Kelsi
had already
told her dad that I yelled at
her, then he would have already
- called and fired us. - Right, so the
imminent f*ring is the good news.
- Got it. - So, we have
to talk to her
before she talks to him.
Yeah, but she's not answering
her phone or her texts.
I mean, she could be anywhere.
There's no way
we could possibly find her.
- Found her.
- What?
Yeah, she just instagrammed
from a frat party
at Northwestern.
She instagrams a lot.
- Aw, here's her cat wearing
a tuxedo shirt. - SIMON: Aw.
(purring) (laughing)
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
Yes, I'll grab my car, you grab
some Mace and a cup with a lid.
We've got a fraternity
party to get to.
It's at ODP, the Jewish frat.
Andrew, come along.
We may need you.
I'm not Jewish.
Really?
I don't have time
to rethink you. Let's go.
Missed.
No sign of Kelsi,
but I did get invited
to a formal,
which is kind of flattering.
You're gonna go to a formal?
Of course not.
These kids are, like, babies.
Besides, I was a Tri-Delt.
We don't date below AEPi.
Say, uh, how long do you
think this is gonna take?
'Cause I'm supposed to
meet Lauren for coffee.
- About that...
- Okay.
Here it comes. The talk.
Look, I know you
and I had a moment,
but this thing with Lauren...
it's completely blindsided me,
but it seems to be moving
forward kind of fast.
So, if you want to
stop this rocket ship,
just speak up now before
it leaves the station
that rocket ships...
that they take off from.
Launch pad?
Yeah. Just let it go.
Hey... who's Molly?
Someone asked if I
wanted to try her.
She sounds kind of interesting.
Oh, what are we even
doing here?
I never should have
let her get to me.
- I really screwed this up.
- No, you didn't.
Listen, the truth is,
I was about to snap at that
little snot myself.
It's not just Kelsi.
It's me.
I wonder if that's
how people see me.
You know, a self-entitled,
very pretty brat.
Oh, not at all.
You're none of those things.
SIMON: Sweetheart, you're
nothing like Kelsi.
You earned this job. You have to say that.
You're my dad.
Hey, guys, uh, not to be a jerk,
but this is
a closed party, so...
They're with me.
Oh.
Oh, sorry. I-I didn't know.
Uh, Shabbatshalom, brother.
Back at you.
You know, Zach's actually
the one that's Jewish.
I could have been
here with Zach?
Wait... Kelsi.
- Oh, my God.
- Just hear us out, okay?
I shouldn't have yelled at you.
We can make this right.
Look, I came here
to play beer pong,
not talk to a bunch of Gandalfs.
- Fine. I got next!
- What?
- Listen, we just need a little face time.
- But you can't drink.
- You're sober.
- Then one of you will play.
- I'm not good at this game. - I
got the gluten thing. - No beer.
Right. I'll play, you drink.
- SYDNEY: What?
- Mm-hmm.
Okay. How do we do this?
So I just... (pops lips)
in there and then...
Yep. Go right ahead.
Yeah. Alright. Go right ahead.
- I'm not that thirsty.
- Okay. Let's just try this thing.
Maybe it was just the stress
of the day, you know,
but either way, it was
unprofessional of me
to yell at you, and I'm sorry.
I really hope we can...
- Yes! - Oh. Oh, you're
k*lling me here.
Drink. I got it, baby,
I got it. Don't worry.
(groans) Oh...
Yes!
Oh, what?
- Oh!
- Damn it!
People say they don't have time,
but people make time.
- Oh...
- Oh, you're k*lling me.
ANDREW: L'chaim. You're getting
beaten by a little girl.
- Aw, how sad for you. Oh...
- Oh!
Yeah, bitch!
(groans)
Take that! Yeah!
(whooping)
You got one!
Yeah, more than that. Mm-mm.
- One.
- Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
Let's see. Let's see
how many cups you have here.
You've been owned. There's one. Drink!
You got to drink! Drink! Okay.
Drink it.
Drink it.
Chug, chug, chug, chug.
Vina, vina, vina, vina.
Boom. That was
for you, baby.
That was for you.
(groans)
I mean, junior high
was just so hard for me.
Honey, blow on that
for good luck, okay?
Here we go. Here we go.
(groans)
Are you even trying?
(gibbering, spluttering)
Oh, baby. Hey, baby.
(whoops)
Oh, darn it!
(whoops)
That's game!
- Whoa!
- Aw...
Look at those sad faces.
(camera clicks)
You just got 'grammed, b*tches.
I'm gonna show this to my dad when
I tell him what you did to me.
No, no, no, wait. Before you
'gram your dad, listen,
I know we don't pay interns,
but maybe some sort of bonus
will be appropriate, huh?
Like I need the money.
That's ridic.
Money means nothing to her.
I mean, she's got that
mad lunch meat money, yo.
Someone get Syd
a water, please.
Listen, what can
we possibly give you
that you don't already have?
The courage to finish a word?
Mm-hmm.
Whatev. I can't deal
with you guys right now.
I have you yelling at me
and my roommate blowing me up
in all caps.
Roommate! That's what we can...
we can give you.
We can get her roommate
to take the smaller room.
How?
It's easy.
We're in advertising.
I mean...
we sell people stuff
they don't want every day.
All right. Deal.
You did it, baby.
You're a genius.
Oh, God...
(retching)
MAN: Oy, vey! That genius just
huzzed on the house treasurer.
Whoo! Sorry, Avi!
Okay, people, toss 'em out.
There are no bad ideas.
If we put really small furniture
in the room, it'll look bigger.
- No.
- What about coziness?
Okay, what if we open
on this log cabin in Illinois?
Snow falling,
reveal a young Abe Lincoln.
He's shivering in the big room.
There's a light in the
small room. He goes in there.
There's Walker
already asleep in the bed.
He huddles around Walker,
holds him tight,
a sweet spoon, out of which
is born, you know, civil rights.
Okay, maybe the first bad idea
was me saying "no bad ideas""
That's on me.
Well, I thought it was
a good idea, Andrew.
(chuckles) Stop.
Lauren, can I speak with you
for a minute?
You have to stop having coffee
with Andrew.
I mean, look at him.
He's Molly Ringwald
in Sixteen Candles over there.
(sighs) Look, I know you think
that this is somehow helping you
get over your habit
of hooking up with Zach,
- but...
- Yeah...
What?
It isn't completely working.
What do you mean?
Well, it started out working.
The Andrew coffees
filled a void.
But, you know, there's a reason
people sometimes want dessert
after coffee.
♪ Well... ♪
♪ You know you make me want to ♪
♪ Shout! ♪
♪ Kick my heels up and ♪
♪ Shout! ♪
♪ Throw my hands up and ♪
♪ Shout! ♪
♪ Throw my head back and ♪
(exhales)
♪ Shout! ♪
♪ Come on now ♪
♪ Don't forget to say you will ♪
♪ Don't forget to say
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Say you will ♪
♪ Say it right now... ♪
Coming up.
It's like, together,
they equal one perfect guy.
The conversation with Andrew.
All the dirty stuff with Zach.
Zach and Andrew.
Zandrew... that's who
I've been looking for.
Zandrew?
Andrach? I don't know.
You know this needs to stop
before they find out.
I know. You're right.
It's just... Zandrew's so great.
Do they have to find out?
(knocking)
Zach.
Hello.
Zandrew.
What are you guys doing here?
How long do you think
this was gonna go on?
- Hmm?
- Um...
You didn't think
we were gonna talk?
I mean, that's what I'm good at,
isn't it? Talking?
Yeah, we're, like,
best friends.
- Really? - Thank you.
- Yeah.
You're always saying
how shallow I am,
but I would never sleep with
two friends at the same office.
I'm not sleeping with him.
- What?
- Yeah, I made that clear.
You said you've been
hanging out, like, every day.
- Yeah. - But you're
hooking up, right?
- No.
- Kissing?
- No. No. - Listen,
- Boob stuff? Nothing?
I explained this to you.
It's more of an emotional thing
- between the two of us.
- Dude, what are you doing?
Guys, look, I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean
for any of this to happen.
Yeah, well, we're
breaking up with you.
Yeah. Good luck
finding this again.
That is totally fair.
Can we just all go back
to being friends again?
I don't know.
I'm gonna need some
time to get over this.
Yeah. Me, too.
- Dude.
- What? Coffee counts.
I was engaged, I was pulled in.
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna take back
that best friend stuff.
Oh, great. So I'm gonna lose you
and her in the same day?
You are literally
driving me crazy.
Literally? That is not the
correct use of "literally""
Are you an English professor?
SIMON:
Brooke,
thank you for this opportunity
to tell you exactly
why the small room
is the place to be.
- Sydney?
- Wait, me?
- Mm-hmm.
- But this is really hard.
Why, pumpkin?
Smaller is better?
I mean, come on, everyone knows
it's "bigger is better," right?
- What's happening?
- Wait for it.
ZACH:
I agree.
Bigger is better...
if you're over 30.
Go on.
- Simon, you're over 30, right?
- Zach, I'll never tell.
Let's take a look at a few
images from this old man's life.
- His car. - Mm.
- His vacation house.
I lost that in the divorce.
The last woman
he seriously dated.
I gained her in the divorce.
Older people love big things.
But us younger folks, we know
that smaller is the place to be.
The iPad Mini.
The Fiat 500.
Josh Hutcherson. Who doesn't
want all these things?
All right, fine. I'm in.
- I'll take the smaller room.
- Ah...
- Wait, no, I want it!
- Wait. Kelsi, what are you doing?
I love Josh Hutcherson.
I love smaller rooms.
This is so Sagittarius of you.
(gasps) Take that back!
(clamoring) Whoa, whoa, whoa!
SIMON:
Break it up!
(clamor continues)
Sister fights only end in tears!
MAN:
Hey! Hey!
What is going on?
- Martin!
- Daddy!
I just came by to take Kelsi
to lunch. What's happening here?
I-I can explain.
No, I'll explain.
(panting)
This internship has been
the worst experience of my life.
Worse than that time
that tsunami ruined my vacation
because no one would stop
talking about it!
Slow down. What happened?
I have never been treated
like this.
They were constantly on me:
do this, do that.
And then, when I pointed out
the obvious... that she only got
this job 'cause of her daddy...
she screamed at me!
Is this true?
Yes, it is.
Good.
- What?
- Excuse me?
You and Sydney both grew up
with every advantage.
But unlike me, Simon here
raised a kid who gets it.
She works hard and she's damn
good at what she does, too.
I was hoping that a little time
with the two of these people
would rub off on you,
but... guess I was wrong.
You think I earned this job?
You have always impressed
the hell out of me, and my team.
You see, we've been telling you
that this entire time.
- Yeah.
- We have.
I know, but you guys
are my friends.
I mean, it...
means so much more
coming from someone
I barely know.
- I totally understand that.
- Well, no duh.
You know, it's only normal to worry
about what people think about you.
I go through that all the time.
But, Dad, you're a genius.
I mean, you're a legend.
- We all want to be just like you.
- Oh, come on.
You have to say that.
You're my daughter.
You do seem
pretty cool, Mr. R.
You really think so?
Oh, my God. Thank you.
Wow. That does feel good.
- Told you.
- Whatever. You're still old.
Oh, Kelsi.
You look kind of sad.
(camera clicks) Oh, what?!
You just got 'grammed,
sister friend.
How do I upload this?
And then after they left,
Zach came back
and said we should
have breakup sex.
But I couldn't.
What do you mean?
Well, my Zach habit
had become all tied up
and connected
with my Andrew habit.
Without having coffee
with Andrew first,
I wasn't in the mood
to have sex with Zach. I did it.
I broke the habit.
I don't want Zach at all now.
Very happy for you. We're all
moved by your strength.
I do feel bad
about Andrew though.
He still seems a bit upset
by the whole situation.
(sighs)
Do you think there's something
I could do to make it up?
Like buy him one of those
single cup coffee machines?
That would just
be rubbing it in.
Or maybe leading him on.
I don't know.
Maybe just avoid it.
I just wish something good
would happen for him.
Hey. You're an older guy.
I'm mad at my dad.
Want to get out of here?
- Yes.
- Mm.
Did I do that?
Did I make that happen?
Posture, posture.
Poise. Perfection.
Ow.
(laughs)
C-Can you not smash
my Adam's apple?
(sputtering, slurping)
Nonalcoholic wine is a bit
like a nerve vibrator.
Interesting choice.
(laughter)
Interesting... Oh, I'm so...
If you are trying,
then that is really pathetic,
and you should just go back
to whatever Disney hell
you came from!
Now you see,
that's yelling.
01x11 - The Intern
Watch/Buy Amazon
Loosely based on the life experiences of John R. Montgomery while he worked at Leo Burnett advertising in Chicago.
Loosely based on the life experiences of John R. Montgomery while he worked at Leo Burnett advertising in Chicago.