(Theme music playing)
- That's it.
They're all coming.
(Playing drums on the dishes)
- I'm sorry. He's just excited
Because he's having a reunion
with his college jazz band.
- All four jazztones
will be together again
After 25 years.
(Playing drums on the dishes)
- Apparently,
he's still excited.
d*ck, will this reunion be
A bunch of grown men
carrying on like college kids?
- If we're lucky.
I know, some of
the wildest times
I've ever had in my life
were with the jazztones.
One time, sheik and i...
- Sheik?
- Yeah. He was a
real lady k*ller.
You know, when he played his
sax and did his pelvic thrust,
Well, honey, just remember
That you're married, okay?
- Anyway, one time,
sheik and I took hog...
Joanna: hold it.
Someone actually
let you call him hog?
- Well, what else are you
gonna call a guy who, on a bet,
Scarfed down five
pizzas, a rack of ribs,
Two dozen doughnuts
and a bicycle seat?
- What did sheik
and hog call you?
- Slats.
- There must be a
zany story behind that.
- Well, I always wanted
a nickname and we,
You know, we just
made that one up.
But I mean, if you
want to talk crazy,
Our piano player was the
undisputed king of the loons.
I mean, he was a
natural leader of men.
He could get a food fight
started at the vatican.
- I almost don't want to
know what you called him.
- Phil.
But he was beyond nicknames.
Wait 'til you see his entrance.
He may come in
swinging on a rope,
He may come down the chimney.
You may find him buck
naked in our shower.
- d*ck, are you still
closing the inn next weekend
Because your annoying
friends from college are coming?
- Uh, yeah.
- Then I'm going to go to
boston to get away from them.
No, you're not.
You'll still have to
wait on d*ck's friends.
- Oh, poo.
- Hi, all,
With an extra kiss, kiss
to one in particular.
- Please let it be me.
- I was referring
to my wonder wench.
- Save it, michael. We
can't go to boston
And I'm about as
depressed as I get.
- Would a fancy lunch and
an afternoon of compliments
Cheer you up?
- Yes.
- Boy, do we know how
to cope with crises?
As long as we're together,
You'll never catch us
throwing away money on analysis.
- Yeah, you're the mental
health poster kids.
- Oh, d*ck, uh, one
thing before you go.
I'm having a slight
negative cash flow problem.
Could you see yourself
clear to make me liquid again?
- Sure, go in the kitchen
and hop in the blender.
(Laughing)
- Need I explain? I meant cash.
- Michael, I don't
want to let money
Mess up this great
relationship that we have.
Kiss, kiss.
- George.
- Hi, michael.
- George.
You and I are close
friends, aren't we?
- No.
I like you but,
We really don't spend
enough time together
To be considered close.
- Yeah. Well, but we have
a relationship, you and i.
- Not really.
We never go anywhere together.
We don't have a
single thing in common.
- Right.
And you wouldn't be able to
lend me $500 until next week?
- Sure.
- You will?
- Why not? I trust you.
- George, I think you and I
are going to be great friends.
- You mean, we'll
have long talks
And go places together?
- Well, let's not
o.d. On each other.
- Hi, michael.
- Hi, george.
Steph, your beau is here.
- Uh, michael, uh,
it's been a week
Since I lent you that money.
- Has it?
Boy, this whole
space-time continuum thing
Is a miracle to me.
Listen, I would
have had it for you
But I got hit with this
k*ller racquet club bill.
- Oh, okay. Well,
whenever you have it.
- You ever need
anything, just name it.
- Would you help me move
the piano against the wall?
- Hey, that's the
least I can do.
- I'm here.
- I'm ready.
- Oh, hold on, george, I'll
give you a hand with that.
- Are you sure, d*ck?
I've been burned before.
- Oh, excuse me, maybe you
didn't see the sign outside.
We're closed this weekend.
Together: slats.
- Hog, sheik?
- Uh, sheik, hog.
(Laughing)
- Didn't you recognize us?
- Oh, sure, sure.
You know, I was
just fooling around.
(Laughing)
- Same old slats.
- You haven't changed a bit.
- Well, you haven't either.
- Slats, I've lost 120 pounds.
- Except for that.
- And I've started to get
a little bald spot on top.
- Really?
- Is phil here yet?
- Uh, no.
- Oh, great.
We got here on time
for his entrance.
- Have you checked the shower?
(Laughing)
- Ha, ha, ha.
Ha, ha, ha.
- Oh, this...
This is my friend and
handyman, george.
George, this is
al "sheik" fraser
And this is walter
"hog" ambrose.
- Oh, I heard so
much about you guys.
d*ck said when
you were together,
A minute never went by without
something crazy happening.
- Well, I guess we'd better
get the rest of our luggage.
- Oh, that's okay.
I'll take care of it.
So far, they've
been a letdown, d*ck.
- Hi.
- Oh, this is my wife, joanna.
Here they are, sheik and hog.
- Nice try, d*ck.
Hi, hog.
Hi, sheik.
d*ck told me you guys are
always fooling around like this.
- No, really, I'm sheik.
He's hog.
- Oh, stop.
- Honey, we're...
We're not kidding.
- Oh. Sorry.
- Well, have I got a
weekend planned.
What do you want to do first?
Eat, drink or swing
from the rafters?
- I'd like to take a nap.
- Ooh, that's a good idea.
(Laughing)
- You're serious?
Well, sure, sure, you
have to get some rest,
But be down here for dinner
Because we're cooking
up a real gut buster.
- Oh, yeah, well,
that reminds me.
Here is a list of my
dietary requirements.
I can't eat anything
that's difficult to digest.
- I'll show you to your rooms.
- Well, I hope there's
a phone in mine.
I got to call my wife.
- Oh, tell me about the missus.
She must be some knockout
to have corralled the sheik.
- Oh, not now, slats.
I was supposed to
call her 10 minutes ago.
I gotta hurry before
the grace period ends.
- My, are they a...
Are they a couple of
crazy nut buckets or what?
(Laughing)
- Michael, be careful.
- Here, let me
help you with that.
- Oh, uh.
- What's in here, anyway?
- It's a brand new color tv
With remote control
and stereo sound.
Michael bought it for me.
- Oh. Oh, he did.
Well, gee, it must be your
birthday or something.
- No, he bought it for
my favorite reason,
Because I saw it
and went "oooh."
George, will you hook it
up to the antenna for me?
- Sweet knees, let's not
impose on george now.
He can hook it up tomorrow.
- Isn't he considerate?
- Where are you going, george?
- Up to my room,
To watch my old fuzzy
black and white mono tv
With no remote control.
- Kind of a cynical
old guy, isn't he?
- Well, slats, that
was a terrific meal.
- Yeah, my special diet sure
didn't cramp joanna's cooking.
- Yeah, joanna
could always make up
A mean platter of
rice and strained pears.
- It's too bad it's
not sitting too well.
I think I overdid
it on the milk.
- Yeah, I was gonna
say something.
Remember the time that
phil rode the swivel chair...
- What are those there?
- Antrapone, stomach relaxer.
- Did you ever try diazedine?
I use it for my back spasms.
- Sure, I always carry some.
But you know what's really good?
- Guys, why don't we
just set out a buffet?
C'mon, guys,
What do you do
for fun these days?
(Laughing)
- you know,
I've gotten into
something a little crazy.
- Yeah?
- Model railroading.
You have these little
buildings and trees,
Even tiny people, and
if you're not careful,
That train can go
flying off that track
And doing a whole
mess of damage.
- That's a... That's a
big responsibility.
- Well, I tried a
bunch of home hobbies
And then I felt I
needed something more.
Something to get me out of
the house and into the world.
- Alright, sheik.
- So I joined a gardening club.
- Oh, this was fun.
Well, the only thing
that can top this
Is to play some music.
- But phil's not here yet.
- Yeah, but he will be
And if he walks
through that door naked,
He's gonna want
something to dance to.
- All right, let's give it a go.
(Drums)
- Oh, good.
I can't wait to
hear you guys play.
d*ck was always telling
me how great the band was.
(Jazz music, out of tune)
- My back! Joanna: oh, dear.
- Sheik!
- Oh, here.
- First my stomach,
now sheik's back.
This crazy weekend of
yours is gonna k*ll us.
- I'll be okay.
- Oh, okay, that's it,
I'm gonna find out
what's keeping phil.
It's still early on the coast.
Maybe his office
knows where he is.
Sheik: I'll be okay.
Somebody please
reach in my pocket
And give me two
blues and one yellow.
- Hello, I'm calling
about phil bradley.
We're having a
reunion in vermont
And could you tell
him to hurry on down?
We need a massive
injection of silly.
- I see.
Uh, when?
Thank you.
- Well? When's he
gonna get here?
- Oh, it could be a while.
Phil died three weeks ago.
- Ah, here you are.
You still can't sleep?
- No.
- Well, honey, losing
a friend is tough.
- Yeah, well, that's not
all that's bothering me.
- What else?
- You know, even
though phil's dead,
I mean, he's still the liveliest
member of the jazztones.
- d*ck, don't say that.
- Joanna, people I
remember as total wild men
Have gotten bald, henpecked
And think gardening
is living on the edge.
- Well, d*ck,
everybody gets older.
I'm better at this wide awake.
- Joanna, face it, my
glory days are behind me.
I remember when I used to
climb stairs two at a time.
Now it's one by one.
Soon I'll need one
of those little chairs
That ride up the banister.
- Honey, you're forgetting
the positive things
About getting older.
You have security,
accomplishments,
Wisdom, a fairly nice
wardrobe, drums.
Maybe I'd better go back to bed.
(Yawning)
- what's this all about, slats?
- Yeah, getting up before
eight screws up my regularity.
- Just because phil is gone,
Doesn't mean it's all
over for the jazztones.
- You're not gonna
make us play again?
- No, but we have
to do something.
- What?
- Anything.
Wouldn't you like
to do something
That made you feel like
you did in the old days,
Something wild and insane?
- Well, would our
insurance cover it?
- You're missing the point.
Listen, if you
don't do it for me,
Do it for phil,
In honor of what he meant to us.
- Well, what kind of
thing do you want to do?
- Anything.
I mean, you guys decide.
As long as it's
wild and exciting.
- Let's go bowling!
- I was thinking of something
With a little more
of an element of risk.
- Let's eat mexican.
- I don't think you got
the right spirit yet.
Think danger, risk.
- Water-skiing.
- Keeping in mind we're
in vermont in winter.
- Sledding.
- Wait, better yet, tobogganing.
- Really?
- Yeah, it's perfect. It's
exhilarating. It's exciting
And there's a place just
a few miles from here.
- Ya know, I feel
nuttier already.
- Me too.
- The jazztones
are back in action.
- Yeah.
- I'll bring plenty of antacid
in case we stop for food.
- And I'll call my wife
and ask permission.
- Can I help you?
- Yeah. Yeah, we want to...
(Clearing throat) we
want to take a run.
- You guys look kind of
old for this sort of thing.
- Hey, we're the jazztones.
- Jazztones? Meet
the widowmaker.
- Will you put those away?
- Okay, you start right
here on whiplash way,
Then you hit paralyzer point,
sh**t into the sling shot,
And then slip under
guillotine bridge.
It'd help if you duck there.
- That sounds good, for a start.
- You are the jazztone.
Okay, what's your pleasure?
Lightning, rocket or pokey?
- Lightning.
- Slats, pokey
sounds kinda cute.
- Ah, not really.
It got its name when someone
took a branch in the eye.
- Lightning it is.
- Slats, this is dangerous.
- They wouldn't let you do
this if it were dangerous.
- You'll have to
sign this waiver.
(Reading) "we fully
release the management
From all liability for any
death or injury including,
But not limited to
the loss of limbs
And/or head."
- Yeah, we had to
add that last one.
- d*ck, our heads!
- Alright, so there's
an element of risk,
But that's the whole point.
To do something daring.
Something that lets
us know we're alive.
- And dying's gonna do that?
- My wife married
me for my looks.
She'll k*ll me if what's
left winds up on a tree.
- Listen, guys, if
you chicken out now,
You'll have to
admit to yourselves
That you're old and old is less.
- We could admit that.
- Old is less.
Okay. Can we go now?
- Guys,
For phil?
- For phil.
- For phil.
- What are we?
Together: - the jazztones!
- Ahh!
- Hi, michael.
- George.
If I had any idea I was
gonna bump into you here,
I would have brought
the money I owe you.
- Ah, that's okay.
It'll keep.
- Thanks.
Boy, if you ever open a bank,
You can count on a lot of
loan business from this guy.
Ha, ha.
My car's gone!
- You're kidding?
What did it look like?
- You know my car, george,
It's a red
mint-condition turbo z.
- Did it have a
distinctive pine scent?
- My odor snuffer.
Where did you get that?
- Same place I got this.
- My custom spoked
hubcap with curb cutters.
You took the pine tree
and hubcaps off my car?
- Among other things.
- Oh, no.
One of those... Things
from the engine.
George, I want those
back and I want them now.
- Well, they are
yours, michael...
For $500.
- You expect me to pay $500
for a deodor and a hubcap
And a smudgy black thing?
- Well, maybe not.
But what if I threw
in one of these?
- Forget it.
I don't need any
of those things.
Now where's the rest of my car?
- In the garage.
Of course, if you
drive without a door,
You could freeze to death.
But then you'd warm up as
soon as the engine explodes.
- I'll write you a check.
- Fine.
We'll go to the
bank and cash it.
We better take my car.
- Well, let me tell
you something, george,
This is the last time I ever
borrow money from you.
- I know.
- Joanna!
Joanna!
(Playing drums)
- d*ck, where have
you been all day?
- Careening wildly down a
treacherous mountain slope
In a runaway toboggan.
- You did a dangerous thing
like that without telling me first?
- Damn right.
That's what you get
when you marry a jazztone.
- What a ride! Phew!
That was the greatest
20 feet of my life.
- You only went 20 feet?
- Careening wildly.
We were thrown off the
course at the first curve
And we crashed headlong
Into this... Snow bank.
- Yeah, it was like running
right into a big comforter.
- Yeah, only we didn't know that
Until we careened
wildly into it.
Yeah, it was scary.
- Yeah, but
exciting. Ha, ha, ha.
Ooh, look at this.
I was supposed to call
my wife 27 minutes ago.
Let her wait.
- All right, sheik!
- Uh, could someone
help me to the couch.
I don't think I can walk it.
- Oh my god, while you
guys have been celebrating,
This man is obviously hurt.
- Oh, no, no, no.
This had nothing to
do with the toboggan.
- No, afterwards,
we did something
That took even more guts.
- We ate mexican.
- What are we?
- The jazztones!
(Theme music playing)
Man's voice: meow!
04x07 - The Geezers in the Band
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d*ck Loudon and wife Joanna relocate from New York City to a small town in Vermont, where they run the historic Stafford Inn.
d*ck Loudon and wife Joanna relocate from New York City to a small town in Vermont, where they run the historic Stafford Inn.