05x18 - Road Trip and Guilt Trip

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Conners". Aired: October 16, 2018 to present.
After the death of Roseanne the Conners, a working-class family struggling to get by on modest household incomes.
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05x18 - Road Trip and Guilt Trip

Post by bunniefuu »

- Hey, guys.
- Hey.

- How was the farmer's market?
- It was fun.

It's a shame Mom's out of town.

- It's vegan heaven.
- Hmm.

But it's almost like she was there.

She kept texting me every few
minutes asking for pictures.

Yeah. Yeah, she's just excited

to have you back at the house again.

She always pretended like she was okay

with you living with your grandpa,

but believe me, it was k*lling her.

Wow, what the hell is with
all these Post-It Notes?

Well, before Darlene
left for the weekend,

she gave us a ton of
very detailed instructions

for chores she wants done.

- Orange is you, yellow is me.
- Okay.

Uh, she wants me to contact paper

all of the shelves
and all of the drawers.

That's gonna take forever.

It's continued on this note.

"When you put the spices
back in the pantry,

please organize them
from robust to bland."

They're spices.

Marco Polo did not sail
halfway around the world

to find "bland."

We get it. You're in college.

She wants some basic stuff, too.

She wants you to mop the
floors and do a load of whites.

We don't have anything white.

We eat like drunken pirates.

This one's for me.

"You've been through a lot.

Order Postmates and finish
'Under the Banner of Heaven',

but don't start 'Dahmer' without me"?

This woman is relentless.

I better get to work.

Oh, did you see this one?

She wants me to make
sure the forks and knives

are pointy-side down when
loaded in the dishwasher.

She's always been controlling,
but this is a whole new level.

- Oh!
- [Sighs]

Listen to this.

"Everything in here is
clean. Please empty."

- [Sighs]
- How stupid does she think we are?

Damn, I just put dirty dishes in there.

Ah. Now I gotta figure
out which ones are clean

and which ones are dirty.

You know what?

Darlene isn't here.

Go wild. Run it again.

Are you sure?

That would be cleaning
already clean dishes.

That would drive Teeny Mussolini nuts.

Oh, I'm going for it.

Do it, bad boy.

- [Laughs]
- [Beeps]

- [Laughs]
- Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!

[Door closes]

Oh, Louise, honey, would
you bring me a napkin?

Thanks, baby. [Smooches]

Ooh. You smell like stew.

Makes you wanna run a piece
of bread all over me, huh?

- [Laughs]
- Don't ever do that to me again.

Can't you wear a bell or something?

Oh. Well, box my peanuts,
wouldya look at that.

- What?
- A big hardware distributor in Oklahoma

is having a liquidation sale.

- Everything's like % off.
- Ooh.

But you gotta go to Tulsa to pick it up.

%? Wow. I got fish once for half off.

But you can deep fry
that stuff all day...

it still don't smell right.

Yeah, this is top notch merchandise.

We could really increase our profits.

But I'd need three
trucks the size of mine

to make it worth the trip.

Oh, Danny boy.

Oh, this might be your lucky day,

'cause I've got an old trucking buddy,

and I bet you he would
let me borrow his big rig.

I wasn't serious. I was
just thinking out loud.

No, no. Really.

'Cause with Louise back
to watch The Lunch Box,

you and I could hit the road.

A couple of days, just the two of us,

making a crazy run to
Tulsa for the big tool grab.

You know what "tool"
is backwards, don't you?

- You know what "tool" is backwards?
- No.

You know what it is?

- "Loot." [Laughs]
- "Loot."

Loot, loot, loot, loot, loot, loot.

Thanks, but no thanks.

Come on.

No, it could be really
fun, 'cause you and I,

we hardly ever get the chance
to hang out by ourselves.

There's a reason for that.

It's nature's way of keeping us alive.

No. Come on.

Neville's on a -hour emergency call

and you need somebody who
knows how to drive a semi.

Don't be a stubborn old goat.

- Okay, I'll do it.
- Yeah.

- I'll do it for my kids.
- Great.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If this business survives,

I want to leave my part of it to them.

Yeah, and it's for me, too.

You know, I'm looking forward

to getting behind the wheel again.

That last accident,
that was so horrendous,

really shook my confidence,

so I gotta get back on the horse.

- Hey.
- [Door closes]

I brought you something

from the can company orientation.

They are a pair of sweatpants that say

"Best Can in the Business"
on the back. Huh?

Obviously they didn't run that by HR.

What's going on here?

- Aunt Becky left some notes for you.
- Alright.

"Thank you for your detailed notes.

Here are some additional
detailed notes."

[Door opens]

[Door closes]

"If you find yourself sitting down,

this device will be helpful."

Very cute, Beck.

This is your passive aggressive
sh*t at all my notes, right?

The goal was
aggressive-aggressive, but okay.

Listen, the reason I left all the notes

is because there were things
that needed to get done

while I was gone.

Look, I don't mind being the one

that has to stay on top of stuff,

but sometimes, I need a little help.

A little help?

You gave me every big
chore in the house,

and you know how busy I am.

Well, you weren't too busy

to go to the farmer's
market with Harris.

[Lowered voice] With everything
that Harris has been through,

I thought you'd be happy

that I've been getting
her out of the house.

I am, but you're not the only person

that can take her to the movies

or go get coffee or
whatever else you guys do.

I mean, maybe you could
stay home a little more,

'cause there's stuff that
has to happen here, too.

Of course there is.

I really should have expected this.

Expected what?

Oh, come on!

This is about it being your house

and you "letting" me stay here

and me having to pay the price for it.

This goes back to being the older sister

who always hassled you,

and now you're hassling her back.

No, I don't need to hassle you back.

- It was game over when I got Ben.
- [Container thumps]

This is about us.

It's not about how
life bitch-slapped Ben.

I'm only asking you to help

because I don't want to think
that I'm the only one who cares.

You're not the only one who cares!

You're the only one who's a
sad, little, pathetic hobbit

who has to control people.

You've opened the Ark of the Covenant.

Prepare for your face to melt.

I'll do the housework,
but I don't want to hear

one word from you about
how I should do it.

- Fine. It's all yours.
- Screw you!

- Wash a dish!
- I will!

I can keep this house as
clean and organized as you can

without behaving like a
th-century syphilitic king!

I don't think you made
that up in the moment!

♪ I'm going, I'm going where
the water tastes like wine ♪

♪ I'm going where the
water tastes like wine ♪

♪ We can jump in the water ♪

♪ Stay drunk all the time ♪

- ♪ Whoo! ♪
- [Scatting]

Like the old days, Dan.

-hour Energy sh*t and homemade jerky.

I'd be a vibrating salt lick

looking for the one rest
stop with toilet paper.

- Good times.
- Hey, I gotta admit, this is kinda fun.

Nothing like

the "trapped on an airplane
with a crying baby" experience

I was expecting.

Okay, Dan, it's your turn.

It's the black Kia coming up.
Siblings or dating?

Oh, she's crying... he's
pounding the dashboard.

Neither one. They're married.

- Oh.
- Okay, your turn.

Silver Honda coming up next.

Uh, teacher or meth dealer?

Uh, he's got all his
belongings in his car with him,

so he clearly can't
afford a place to live,

so I'm gonna go with teacher.

"Math makes me horny."

"My other car is a bike."

You nailed it... teacher.

- By the way, you owe me bucks.
- What for?

That breakfast stop back in St. Louis.

That was your share of the bill.

Come on, I just assumed
that you'd pick that up.

I mean, I got us a
truck and I'm driving.

Yeah. I think we should pay
for our own meal.

You were the one who wanted to
go to the fancy sit-down buffet.

Yeah, well, I'm really sorry

that I made you rub elbows

with the Vanderbilts
and the Rockefellers

at the omelet station

where there was a Band-Aid
in the diced onions.

No, I'm just saying, I
think you could afford it.

I saw the debit card Neville gave you

when you paid for the fuel.

Um, excuse me? How do you
know Neville gave it to me?

It was customized.

Wells Fargo doesn't issue standard cards

with a picture of a horse
squeezing out a foal.

Okay, Neville gave me a card
to buy gas. So what?

Well, you're married to
a guy that's making money.

- You know I'm strapped.
- [Scoffs lightly]

You could pay for your own meal.

Yeah, I could, or you could realize

everything that I'm doing for you

and just stop being so ridiculous.

All I'm saying is you're
throwing money around

with a card that exploits a
horse's very private moment.

Oh, Dan, my God. All I did was buy gas.

Look, I think the family has

done enough for you over the years.

Now that you're doing better,

the least you could do

- would be to give back a little for once.
- For once?!

- [Brakes squeal]
- Okay.

- No, yeah. You're right.
- [Air brake hisses]

I never give anything.

All I do is take.

Well, I'm giving you
control of the truck.

- You drive.
- [Engine idling]

- You gotta be kidding me!
- [Truck door closes]

- [Engine idling]
- I don't know how to drive this thing!

Yeah, see you at home, Dan.

I'll just be out here
waiting for the first guy

looking for some sweet young
thing to drive with him.

Well, then, we're both
gonna be here for a while!


Wow. Hey, I was looking for you.

What you doing?

Aunt Becky and I are working
on a faster way to make lunches.

She came up with this great idea

to put everything you
need to make a sandwich

in one drawer.

Meat, cheese, fruit, drinks.

Makes it so much easier.

She found a harder way
to make a Lunchable.

Hey, why don't you put that food away

and you and I can grab lunch
at that taco place you like?

I can get their vegan tacos.

I can't right now.

I'm gonna help Aunt Becky clean.

We're gonna put Swiffer
pads on our feet,

listen to Bruno Mars, and
cha-cha slide the place clean.

Alright. Um, well, how about tonight?

Oh, I'd love to, but Aunt Becky and I

are taking Beverly
Rose to Chuck E. Cheese,

and if I remember correctly,

you're not allowed there.

Well, Mr. Cheese and I
got into a small argument.

It got slightly physical,
but I mean, my God,

that was like two months ago.

I just tried this in the bathroom

and it works great.

And now you're bringing those
toilet pads into the kitchen?

That's disgusting.

I'm putting disinfectant on the floor.

Your personality will k*ll
the germs that are left.

The housekeeping needs
to get done anyway.

We might as well have fun doing it.

But it's not fun. It's stupid.

You're just giving the
dirt a tour of the house,

and now you're dragging my
daughter into helping you do it.

Mom, relax.

She's not dragging me into anything.

I offered to help.

Oh, well, then you're
helping her mock me.

You know, she's always
trying to make me look like

I'm the crazy, controlling one

and she's the fun one to hang out with.

Like I'm insane. Like I'm intense!

You know what? I'll tell you something.

I am the chill one!

My God, what did they do to you

at that can company orientation?

Nothing. It was great.

I got a ribbon for
asking the best questions.

I'm getting a lot of Chuck
E. Cheese energy in here.

Apropos of nothing, uh...

what's going on?

You're not gonna get it.

You're never gonna understand
what it does to a mother

to see their daughter and their sister

skating around on mop feet.

Hey, why don't you tell me all about

your pretty little ribbon
while we walk you to bed?

Look, I take it all back.

If we don't get to the distributor soon,

all that's gonna be
left are garden gnomes

and welcome mats that say,
"Shoes off, pants optional."

Yeah. Well, you
should've thought of that

before you were so nasty to me.

What'd you do that for?

I don't know.

You were waving that shiny
new debit card around,

and I'm driving all the way to Tulsa

trying to keep my business afloat.

You're not really worried
about the store, are you?

It's been a tough year.

Between the pandemic and inflation

and supply chain issues,

it hasn't been great.

Look, I'll be honest, I really wish

I had another , bucks
to spend at that sale.

It's not what you think,
Dan. I'd help if I could.

You can't or you won't?

I don't know what you think I have, Dan.

Neville gave me that debit
card just only for gas.

Yeah, it's for gas, but it's not like

you don't share a bank account.

[Scoffs] I'm not gonna
discuss my finances with you.

Okay. Well, yeah.

You and Neville have money and we don't

and you're feeling guilty.

No, I don't feel guilty about anything

because I don't have
access to Neville's money.

Oh, come on. You're married.

We don't commingle our money, okay?

Really? That's weird.

Well, you think I don't know that?

You don't think that I
think about that every day?

He probably thinks that the
marriage isn't gonna last

and he's got one foot out
the door. [Sighs]

I swear to God,

if this is a trick to
get breakfast out of me...

I was raised very poorly.

And then I'm scared to
press the issue because,

you know, I'm not sure that I
really want to hear the answer.

I'm sorry. I just need
a couple more minutes.

But... I mean, can I ask you a question?

You and Louise... you guys
put your money together?

Oh, yeah.

First thing I did was slap my
name on her checking account.

Lowered her credit score points.

Now neither of us can get a
loan for an above-ground pool.

Yeah, but I pay my bills.

I... I wouldn't hurt
Neville's credit at all.

It's not like he doesn't love you.

He's crazy about you.

Maybe he's just got
weird stuff about money.

Yeah, I don't know.

He married late, his parents
had a horrible marriage,

so maybe he's just hedging his bets

because all he sees is doom
and divorce around every corner.

But I don't... it just really...
it keeps me up at night.

- You know you're gonna have to just ask him.
- [Sighs]

You can't live in fear
about what this means.

If you don't talk about this stuff,

you can't be really close to someone.

I know. You're right.
I'll get around to it.

- [Sniffles]
- No, you won't.

- You're gonna do it right now...
- Ok...

... because I'm here, and you'll
feel better once you did it.

- Or incredibly worse. We'll find out.
- Oh, my God.

Hey, baby.

Huh? Oh, we're getting along just great.

[Chuckles] Anyway, I'm, uh,

running a little low on the debit card

[breathes sharply] and
I was just wondering...

wouldn't it be easier if we just

had one account for the both of us?


[Scoffs] Why not?

Oh, you don't trust my family.

Well, I don't think that...

[Lowered voice] ... they'd try

and squeeze every dime out of me,

and "grifters"... that's
a pretty harsh term.

So, hon, we'll...

let's, uh, talk about that later...

when I get back, okay?

Yeah. No, no. We're good. I know, baby.

I know you would give me
anything that I wanted.

Could you, uh, transfer
$ , into my account?

- [Mouths words]
- Okay.

Oh, thank you, honey. Thank you so...

No, I will never tell Dan, uh,
about the grifter thing ever.

Okay. Thanks. Bye-bye. Oh, my God.

I'm so glad that you made me do that.

I feel so much better now.

He just didn't want
to commingle our money

because he's afraid you
guys will suck me dry.

- [Laughs]
- We'll talk about that later.


But you know you're gonna
get the thousand bucks back

as soon as we sell the merch.

No, I know that. So,
we gotta hit the road.

The place is open for five more hours.

We got a two-hour drive.

So I just gotta put
the pedal to the metal.

- Alright.
- Oh, my God. [Laughs]

That's exactly what I said
before the... the accident.

The, uh, state trooper told me
that he'd never seen a semi...

[Slurps] ... that cleanly split
in half before.

[Speaking indistinctly]

How long have you been doing that?

'Cause I ate a muffin
off that table yesterday,

and I've been feeling weird ever since.

Oh, please.

If anything, it'll help you
build up your immune system.

Alright, that's it. You
and Darlene have to talk.

Why? She's acting crazy.

Well, first of all, because
you are a terrible housekeeper.

You were just mopping the table.

And second, there are
things not being said

between you and your sister,
and it needs to come out.


I will listen to
anything she has to say.

Mm. Darlene, can you come
into the kitchen, please?

- Yeah?
- Becky has something to say.

- No, I don't.
- Darlene has something to say.

- I'm good.
- Okay.

Somebody's gotta say something,

'cause I got a low-grade fever,

and I'm pretty sure it's the norovirus.

What the hell is wrong with you?

What'd I do to piss you off?

Like, from birth or recently?

Okay, if you don't want to
talk, I will get back to work.

Alright, wait. I... I don't like the way

you're monopolizing
all of Harris's time.


We went to the farmer's
market and a couple of movies.

You say that like it's so simple.

It is. We went out and had some fun.

I don't know what you're getting at.

Well, I hate that it's
so easy for you like that,

because it's always been so hard for me.

You know, Harris and I have always had

this complicated relationship,

and her moving in with us

was supposed to be like a restart,

but she's so much more
comfortable with you

that I'm having a hard time
even squeezing in a day with her.

Wow. I'm sorry.

I had an inkling that
something was going on

when you had that psychotic break.

And I'm sorry that I
dumped all this work on you.

I guess I was trying to keep you busy

so I could get Harris's attention,

and then maybe I was
trying to punish you

because I felt a little jealous.

Well, you handled it like
a maniac, but I get it.

I get mad if someone even
reads Beverly Rose a story

I haven't read to her yet.

And then I gotta hear

about how Ben makes
Peanut Butter the Dog

so funny and British.

That's why I always made my
kids read the books to me,

and then I'd tell them,
"This better be funny."

[British accent] Are
we all friends again?

Because Peanut Butter the Dog

needs someone to drive
him to urgent care.

Come on, Dan. Come on.
We gotta get... Come on.

Dan, come here. Dan.

Why don't you come over here
and talk to me by the pie?

Dan? There he goes. There he goes.

Now he's walking. Okay.

Now we can go right out to the truck.

You know, you're gonna be fine.

It was a freak accident...

could never happen again.

Although, it was really beautiful

seeing all those magnificent
horses running free,

silhouetted against

the fireball that was once a truck.
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