08x24 - The Last Newhart

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Newhart". Aired: October 25, 1982, - May 21, 1990.*
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d*ck Loudon and wife Joanna relocate from New York City to a small town in Vermont, where they run the historic Stafford Inn.
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08x24 - The Last Newhart

Post by bunniefuu »

- All in favor of
making the flounder

the official town fish, say aye.


- Nay.

I think the bullfrog should
be the official town fish.

- George, bullfrogs
are amphibians.

- Well, we can be flexible.

We made the flying
squirrel the town bird.

- We're going with the flounder.

The other reason why we're here,

to celebrate the
216th anniversary

of the Stratford Inn.

Thank you.

And to help us
celebrate this milestone,

I give you d*ck Loudon,
proprietor of same.

- Speech! Speech!

- You don't want to hear that.

I've given the same speech
for seven years in a row now.

- Aw, speech! Speech! Come on.

- Joanna and I would
like to thank everyone

for making us feel
so at home here.

We really think...

we're going to
like this little town.

- Last year, didn't it end
with "Ich bin ein Berliner"?

- Plaque! Plaque!

- It's time to present
the anniversary plaque.

- d*ck, Chester, over here.

- Oh.

Jim, make a note.

No more paparazzi
at these things.

- Look, i-is it just me

or... or do we seem
to give these things out

at the... the drop of a hat?

- To most people, receiving
a plaque is an honor.

Being awarded a plaque
is as American as apple pie.

Do you want to
destroy America, d*ck?

- Well, not if, you know,
you're going to get that upset.

- Thank you, Ed.

That was Ed Hillby,

owner of Ed Hillby's
Plaques and Stuff.

Now, for the rest of today's
anniversary celebrations

are as follows:

at three, we meet
at the water fountain

that's six years young today.

At five, our Johnnycake
Community Theater

will present
Fiddler on the Roof,

and in a related matter,

we'll be observing
the 131st anniversary

of Shalom Aleichem's birth.

- Mr. Tagadachi, would
you like to come to the play?

There's still a few
hundred seats left.

- Yeah, you'll like
Fiddler, especially the song

"To Rife, To Rife, Rahiem."

What? What... what?

- I was going to rent the
video of The Ugly American,

but I would be
honored to attend.

- Good.

- Well, that concludes
the anniversary celebration.

I'll see you at the
fountain at three.

- Before you go, I
have a proposition.

I have only been a visitor
in your town for a week,

but I have fallen in
love with its beauty.

It reminds me of my
peaceful little village in Japan.

Now, my proposition is this.

I'd like to buy your town
and turn it into a golf course.

- The whole town?

- I'm talking big golf course.

- Oh, we're sorry but we
love this little village of ours

too much to sell.

Most of us were born
here, most of us will die here.

No, Mr. Tagadachi, this is
one town you cannot buy.

- I'll give you one million
dollars for each home.

- Bring on the
freaking bulldozers.

- Hold it! Hold it!

What happened to... to
loving our... our little village?

I mean, we've only
been here eight years

and I wouldn't think of leaving.

- Oh, come on, d*ck.
This place is a hellhole.

- I will be by your homes
later with contracts.

Maybe if you're rucky, I'll
bring you some rollipops

and ricorice and other
things that begin with retter el.

- Hey, great.

This guy.

- Well, you know,
I-I guess for people

who name the flying
squirrel the town bird,

this is par for the course.

But I know we're not...
we're not selling our inn.

- We're not?

- You are a man of
pride. I respect that.

Okay, we build around you.

- Oh, hello guys.

- You say hello and
we say goodbye.

We're out of this
village of the darned.

We sold WPIV to Mr. T.
And now we're rich, rich, rich.

- So I guess you won't
be staying on as our maid.

- Oh right, then I could
have the best of both worlds.

I could be a millionairess
and clean toilets.

Well, I guess this is goodbye.


- That's it?

No hug or anything?

- Well Joanna, it isn't
proper for an employee

to hug her employer.

- We've known each
other seven years.

We're more than just
employee and employer.

We're friends.

- We are?

Well, you should have
said something sooner.

I wouldn't have badmouthed
you so much behind your back.

Goodbye Joanna.

- Bye, Stephanie.

- Goodbye d*ck.

- Farewell, dear Loudons.

Pray, may I nuzzle your napes

that I might
remember your scent?

- Seems like a
reasonable request.

- Adios, my Jo-Jo.

- Goodbye, Michael.

- Adios, my d*ck-d*ck.

- Michael, stop crying

or... or I'll cut your
nuzzling time short.

- Nice cologne,
d*ck, very Vermont.

It smells like wet ski pants.

- I've come to say goodbye,

now that I'm rich, rich, rich.

- Would you, uh, would you
like to smell us before you go?

- Okay.

- George, I didn't know
you had property to sell.

- I bought a few
acres years ago.

I was going to build Utleyland,
an amusement park for handymen.

Then I sobered up and...

realized it was an idiotic idea.

- Sure is, not like Stephyland,
the place I'll be building.

- I made a list of the
things I do here at the inn.

You can give it to the new...

the new... handyman.

There, I said it,
and I didn't die.

- Look, I-I'm not, you
know, very good at goodbyes

but I'm really... really
going to miss you guys.

- You hear that, Steph? He's
begging us for a group hug.

- He sure is.
- Oh, yes.

- That was so good.

Oh, come on, let's do it again.

- Okay.

- My comrades, I guess
it's time for us to leave

our little village of Anatevka.

♪ Anatevka Anatevka ♪

♪ Underfed overworked Anatevka ♪

♪ Where else would
Sabbath Be so sweet ♪

- What the hell
is going on here?

- See d*ck, in
Fiddler on the Roof,

all the people who live in
the little town of Anatevka

are forced to leave
because the evil Tsar is...

Oh heck, just enjoy the show.

- Yeah, it's not
often you get to see

an all-millionaire
production of it.

- I play Fiyedka, the Russian
goy who marries Chava.

- Hi, I'm Larry. This
is my brother, Darryl,

and this is my
other brother, Darryl.

We are going to
Chicago, America.

We have an uncle there.

- Sometime maybe we'll
meet on a happier occasion.

Meanwhile, we suffer.

Oy, how we suffer.

- May God bless
and keep the Tsar,

far away from us.

- I'll work hard, Papa.

- You bring the groom,
slender and pale.

- Well, I guess we're the
whole town now, Golde.

- Oy vey, Tevye.

- Get out, Lenny.

- Ohayo, Tomadachi.

- Ohayo.

- Ohayo, sweetheart.

- Joanna, I'm going
to tell you something

you may not be aware of.

You're not Japanese.

- Fore!

- I hate living on
the 14th fairway.

- I think the sound of
a golf ball against wood

is almost soothing.

- Lay off the sake, Joanna.

- Oh, thank you, Sedaka.

The smell of raw
fish makes me drool.

- Ew, what a lovely image.

- This isn't breakfast.
This is... this is bait.

Could you bring
me some pancakes?

- No.

- Would you like to
keep your job here?

- No, I'm just k*lling time
until a decent job opens up

at the luxurious, 5,000-room

Tagadachi villa hotel
and country club.

- I hate when you
badmouth me in Japanese.

- I think somebody got up
on the wrong side of the futon.

- Waitress, could we
have some more tea?

- No, I do not feel like
brewing another pot.

- Brew the damn tea, Sedaka.

- O-Ohayo, Sunatra.

- Ohayo, boss.

- You know, you don't have
to be so formal around here.

Our last handyman
didn't wear a suit and tie.

- Joanna, it's just
Sunatra's way of saying

he's honored to...
to be working for me.

- Honored?

I laugh.

I must always look presentable
when I apply for work

at the luxurious
5,000-room Tagadachi

villa hotel and country club.

I go there three times a day,

hoping something,
anything, will open up.

- There must be some
work you will allow me to do

at your beautiful hotel.

Any chore I will deem an honor.

I will clean doggy deposit.

Anything to get
out of this living hell.

- Sunatra, it may be five years

before doggy deposit
custodial position opens up.

- Five years?

Another five years
working for him?

- Sunatra, you must have
patience and inner strength.

- You are right, Tagadachi.

- Ready for today's
round of golf?

- I'm always ready for golf.

You know, my life
really had no meaning

until you introduced me

to this passionate,
stimulating sport.

- I knew I lost you
the day you broke par.

- Honey, you'll never lose me.

- Fore!

- Look, I hate my life.

I-I made a mistake
when... when I didn't sell you

the Stratford five years ago.

Couldn't... couldn't
you buy it now?

- I will not hear of it.

It is more important that
you maintain your pride.

You are to be respected.

- But I... I don't...

- I don't want to be
respected anymore.

I-I-I want out.

I'll even throw in Sedaka
and... and Sunatra,

and... and our
gardener, Frank, Jr.


- I'm going to have
Sunatra put up rubber siding.

- I'm back.

And so are we.

- Oh, aren't you
going to introduce us

to your lovely new wife?

- Well, I would if I had
one, but this is my old wife.

She's... she's Japanese now.

- Joanna!

- Oh, we miss you.

Golly geisha, Tokyo Jo.

You sure are a Far East
feast for these occidental orbs.

- How do you get your
hair so stiff and black?

- It's a wig.

- It looks so real.

- Well, you, uh, you
sure have grown.

I'm... I'm d*ck.

I used to hold you when
you were a-a little baby.

- Ew, sweaty hands.

- Isn't she precious?

- So, what are you
three doing back here?

I thought you were
living in Zurich.

- The whole town decided
to meet here five years ago,

on this day,

to see if you and Joanna
would still be alive.

- And are we?

- Hard to tell. Looks
can be so darn deceiving.

- Hi, everybody.

- George, hi!

- Michael!

- No, it's baby Stephy.

Hi, d*ck.

It's me, George Utley.

- Nice... nice to meet you.

- It's sure nice to see
some things never change,

though I see you got a new wife.

- George, I'm his
old wife, Joanna.

- It's a wig.

- Oh, it looks so real.

- So what have... what have
you been doing with yourself?

- Ate a lot, gained 20 pounds,
did SlimFast, lost 20 pounds.

Ate again, gained it all back.

Went to Arizona,

smoked a peace pipe
with some neat Navajos.

After that, I didn't worry
about my weight anymore.

- Hey! Look who's here!

- Chester!

- Oh Lord, preserve us.

- It's a wig, okay?

- And it looks so real.

- So, what's, uh, what's
new with you four?

- Well, after my lovely
wife ran off to Puerto Rico

with Officer Shifflett,

I moved to the Marina
del Rey, California,

where Jim, Mr. Rusnak,
and Miss Goddard

have a very spacious houseboat.

- Just a few slips down
from Robert Goulet!

- Hi, I'm Larry.

This is my brother, Darryl,

and this is my
other brother, Darryl.

Allow me to introduce
our better halves.


- Let... let... let me guess:
Mary, Carol and Carol.

- No! I'm Rhonda,
this is my sister, Zada,

and my other sister, Zora.

We're from Long Island.

- How did you six meet?

- Well, my brothers
and I were...

- Let me tell him, hon.

You see, us three girls
were in Atlantic City

playing Keno

when we see these
three dreamboats

losing their shorts
at the craps table.

So I say, "Zada,
Zora, those three guys

are going to be our future
hubbies, swear to God."

- So we start to mosey
over to the dreamboats

when these lugs bump into
us and knock us on our keisters.

- We were dripping in gin.

- Uh-uh, it was scotch.
- You're both wrong.

As I live and breathe,
it was amaretto.

- It was gin. I know
what I stunk like.


- Your... your
brothers can speak.

Why... why didn't they
say anything up til now?

- I guess they've never
been this PO'd before.

Here, go buy yourselves
something pretty.

- I never thought I'd
hear myself saying this,

but, uh, I really... I
really missed you guys.

- We missed you, d*ck.

And our little town.

- Yeah, like fools, we thought
money could buy us happiness.

True, true.

And it has. ALL: True, true.

- We could never move back.

Our homes were leveled to
create the luxurious 5,000-room

Tagadachi villa hotel
and country club.

- They're booked
years in advance.

- Oh, if only there was some
place else in this town to stay.

- Why not stay at the Stratford?

No one ever stays here.

True, true.

- Well, you know, I
guess you could check in,

you know, for a night or two.

- A night or two?
We'll stay forever.

- Wait. No, wait.

We don't... we don't have
e-enough rooms for all of you

a-and your wives
and your children.

- It's merely a matter
of living arrangements.

We can work it out.
We can work it out.

Only time will tell if
I'm right or I'm wrong.

- As mayor emeritus,

I hereby declare an
emergency town meeting

to be held at once in the
sofa area of the Stratford

to discuss who will
be bunking with whom.

- If it's okay Chester,

I'd like to bunk with
my wife and daughter.

I mean, my bunny
burger and small fry.

- My brothers and I would
like a room for ourselves

and a separate
room for our wives,

preferably in a different town.

- My septum happens
to be badly deviated.

- No one is listening to me.

I am really fed up
with you coming in here

and taking over the inn.

Doesn't anyone
hear what I'm saying?

- Oh, why don't we
have communal baths,

the way we have in Japan?


- Stephanie, you
just haven't tried it.

- Look, I am
getting out of here.

I don't know where
I'm going, but I'm going.

I've got to get out
of this madhouse.

- Fore!
- You're all crazy.



Honey, wake up.

You... you won't believe
the dream I just had.

Don't you want to hear about it?

- All right, Bob.

What is it?

- Well, I was an innkeeper

in this crazy little
town in Vermont.

- I'm happy for you.


- Nothing... nothing
made sense in this place.

I mean, the... the
maid was an heiress,

her... her husband
talked in alliteration,

the handyman kept missing
the... the point of things.

And then there were these
three woodsmen, but...

o-only one of them talked.

- That settles it, no
more Japanese food

before you go to bed.

- And I was married to
this... this beautiful blonde.

- Go back to sleep.

- Goodnight, Evelyn.

- What do you mean,
beautiful blonde?

- Go to sleep, Evelyn.

You know, you, uh, you really
should wear more sweaters.

- Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

- Quiet.
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