01x13 - Charity Case

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: coming up...

Fetch, joe, fetch.

Narrator: ...the guys throw

Joe to the dogs.

[ Laughter ]

Murr triggers some road rage.

[ Laughter ]

And q gives his regards to

Broadway.

May have heard it.

It's called

"Cameltoe the musical."

Narrator: plus, tonight's big

Loser makes his big-screen

Debut.

Aah!

We're in puppy city today

Where we're gonna have to sell

Puppies.

We've got to do and say

Whatever the other guys tell us

To.

Please, please, joe.

It's not a toy, joe. Joe!

I got piss on me.

The guy who worked here told me

In years, he's got pee on him

Twice.

I'm not here for five minutes.

The dog pissed all over me.

I got pissed on by that.

[ Laughter ]

Look around for a lost puppy.

Where's natasha? Natasha?

Go ahead, go.

Where the heck is natasha?

Natasha? Natasha?

Natash-- natasha?

[ Sighs ] natasha.

All puppies his size and from

Where he came from --

Freeze.

[ Laughter ]

Freeze.

He froze.

He froze.

Don't move a muscle.

Hold it, man. Hold it.

The dog is frozen.

The dog is not moving.

[ Laughter ]

Hold it.

She's staring at you. Hold it.

I know your arms are k*lling

You.

Feel the burn, baby.

Go ahead. Go, go.

So, they basically stay to

About pounds.

Oh s---!

[ Laughter ]

Good boy. He's a good boy.

[ Ding! ]

Oh, my god.

Oh, the bulldog.

Yes.

Anyway, here's your puppy.

Buddy, if you could honk this

Customer's nose, that'd be

Awesome.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, my god.

Well, that's something that's

Not gonna happen, is it, little

Dog?

Honk the puppy's nose.

Come here. Honk, honk.

Now honkhisnose.

No.

[ Buzzer ]

[ Laughter ]

Hello, ladies.

Welcome to puppy city.

How are you?

It's a yorkie?

Isn't he a cutie?

Do you have a puppy?

"Do you plan on

No, I'm getting one.

Breast-feeding?"

Are you planning on

Breast-feeding?

Ask her if she's interested

In a chihuahua.

Are you interested in

Chihuahuas at all?

"'Cause it would fit

Perfectly between your bosom."

[ Laughs ]

The chihuahuas are really tiny,

So they fit perfectly right in

Your chest, you know, in your

Bosom.

[ Laughter ]

"Look at those puppies."

That is some set of puppies.

[ Laughter ]

"Do you know why that dog's

Breath smells?"

Do you know why dog breath

Do you know why dog breath

Smells?

Smells?

Why?

"It's 'cause they lick their

[Bleep]"

[ Laughter ]

Their bad hygiene.

[ Buzzer ]

Take a puppy out of the cage,

Joe.

Mm-hmm.

And smell its ass.

He's gonna do it, I'm telling

You.

I think this is the right

One.

[ Sniffs ]

Ohh!!

What did you do?

No, I just -- [ sniffs ]

You make sure, you know.

That's how you tell who's who.

Right, melissa?

[ Sniffs ]

You know, they have different

Smells.

Go ahead.

[ Sniffs ]

Ohh!

What are people thinking?

Wow!

Joe, grab that toy and have

One of the girls throw it for

You.

I'm just gonna show you how

Fetching works.

Please, just throw it.

Thank you.

Fetch, joe, fetch.

[ Laughter ]

[ Growling ]

Start humping her leg now.

Start humping her leg.

Ugh!

He's humping me

Keep going!

[ Ding! ]

Honk, honk, honk.

Narrator: so, it's q and murr

That got bit at the puppy store.

There's nothing better than

A dog in my opinion.

I like cats better than dogs.

I know.

I don't like them at all.

I don't trust them.

Cats are on my list of most

Hated things.

Why do you have a thing about

Cats?

They stand in my driveway.

I can't get to my front door.

We stand there and look at each

Other.

I'm like...

[ Laughter ]

Everybody knows the best part

Of a baseball game is the

Cheering.

The challenge is to start the

Lamest chants possible.

But we've written the chants for

Each other.

You have to get people to

Chant along with you, and

Whoever can't do that loses.

Narrator: murr and joe are

Benched for this one.

So it's sal versus q.

You ready to go, buddy?

Let's see if you can get that

Crowd chanting.

Pull your chant out of your

Pocket.

[ Sighs ]

[ Chanting ] let's get sexy!

Let's get sexy!

Let's get sexy!

You look like such an idiot.

Let's get sexy!

Let's get sexy!

Nobody.

Nobody's chanting.

Nobody. You're useless.

Let's get sexy!

No, you're not sexy at all.

[ Buzzer ]

There's nothing sexy about you.

All right, q, let's go.

Let's see what you got.

[ Laughs ]

I can't do this.

All right, q, let's go.

Let's see what you got.

[ Laughs ]

"My wife left me?"

Crowds don't take to quinn.

I can't do this.

[ Chanting ] my wife left me!

He's sitting by himself.

That's the best part.

My wife left me!

[ Crowd boos ]

Sit down!

He gave up.

He's leaving.

He's done.

[ Buzzer ]

It's not even a baseball

Chant.

[ Laughter ]

"My wife left me?"

Woman goes like this -- she

Goes...

"Ohh!"

Narrator: q has nothing to

Cheer about now that he's been

Left alone in last place.

As one of your best friends,

I don't think you enjoy life as

Much as you should.

That's fine.

I would agree with that, but

I don't think you guys worry as

Much as you should.

[ Laughter ]

We have made it to broadway.

We'll be posing as producers

In need of investors for our

Newest musical.

Okay, but here's the rub --

We don't know anything about the

Show.

All our information is being fed

To us via these "q" cards.

The goal is to raise the most

Money for your fake play.

Whoever gets the least amount of

Scharole loses.

[ Buzzer ]

He's going in.

I'm out here raising support

For a new off-broadway show I'm

Doing.

I'm out here busting my hump.

It's called...

"Scott baio on ice."

It's -- there's a song from it.

It's a little edgy.

It's...

It's "I lost count after three

[Bleep]" was one of the -- it's

One of the -- you may have heard

It before.

♪ Oh, hos and pimps, they do

Their tricks, but I lost count

At three [bleep] ♪

Oh, my god!

Anyway, I'm getting people

Out here to give us some

Donations.

I don't have any

American dollars here.

Oh, that's okay. I can exchange.

It's fine, whatever you have,

You know, a peso.

Unbelievable -- $ canadian and

Then $ american.

Perfect. Thank you so much.

That wasn't a bad song I made

Up -- hos and tricks.

Hey, how you doing, buddy?

I'm getting signatures over here

For a broadway play.

Ignored him.

Didn't break stride.

I'm a producer of a broadway

Play over here.

No, that's alright.

You don't like broadway plays?

Consistent with every show

We've ever done -- no one wants

To talk to q -- consistent.

I'm not made for this sort of

Thing.

I'm not made for canvassing.

I'm an astronaut.

I come from another planet.

I'm here to suck your brains

Out.

My name's brian.

I'm a producer for an aspiring

Broadway show.

Finally.

You may have heard of it.

It's called, uh, uh...hmm.

It's called

"Cameltoe the musical."

It's about a bunch of hookers

Who start a daycare center.

Sweet deal.

Anything you have, it gets you a

Producer credit.

Really?

Yes.

A dollar does it. A dollar.

Unbelievable.

This kid gave him a dollar.

How about you, sir?

Any amount of money.

A quarter. All right!

Broadway producerght!

Extraordinaire.

Why are you so happy?

You're in last place.

All right, sal, you got to

b*at $ . .

I'm producing a broadway

Show.

You might have heard of it.

There's billboards all over the

Place.

It's a story of an orphan

Trapped inside hugh grant's

Butthole.

Really?

Yeah, it's out there.

He's not getting a penny from

This lady.

Even the smallest, smallest,

Little donation.

Oh, ho, ho!

That's a buck right there.

Hello. How are you?

Hi.

I'm a producer of a new

Broadway play.

It's a really cool play.

It's very artistic.

It's called "puke."

Puke?

Yeah, believe it or not.

It's -- it's about -- it's

About -- it's about puke, you

Know, and you might have heard

The hit song.

They actually started playing it

On some local airways called

"Puke."

You got that?

'Cause I got it.

It's a show called "puke," about

Puke and the hit song is named

"Puke."

Puke, okay.

Yeah, so, all we need is like

Two bucks.

I have loose change

Anyway.

I think he's gonna get it.

He's not gonna get enough to

Not lose.

Oh, thank you so much.

How much?

Cents.

Cents?

That beats him.

You b*at him.

Oh, yes!

[ Ding! ]

How are you, folks?

I'm telling people about the new

Show that I have coming to

Broadway.

Story line, it's -- it's about a

Russian baby who starts a blog.

It's kind of like a puppet show

Of sorts.

It's got a hit song in it, too.

It's a really popular song.

It's "wash my backside."

Ever heard of it?

It's -- it's elton john.

You've heard it?

If there's one thing you're

Gonna love, it's washing my

Backside.

No thanks.

Nothing.

Loser.

Narrator: murr flopped on

Broadway, and that gives us a

Two-way tie for last.

Q used to be the lead in all

The high-school plays.

Let's clear the decks on this

One.

We went to an all-boys high

School.

The only way to meet girls and

Make out backstage was by doing

The plays.

It's that easy.

Q was the real-life "glee."

You realize that, right?

We are being sent into the

Park with this remote-control

Car.

The only catch is, this is a

Dummy remote.

I'm gonna stand there in the

Crowd and look like I'm

Controlling it.

While the rest of us will be

Controlling from afar.

But you cannot say you're

Sorry, no matter what.

No excuses, nothing.

The guy in the t-shirt -- hit

Him.

Hit him. Hit him. Hit him.

Iamgonna hit him.

[ Laughter ]

Ah, don't apologize.

That's my truck.

Yeah, it is.

This isn't intentional.

What the --

Oh.

It's just hitting your shoes

Again and again, man.

Get her.

Aah!

[ Laughter ]

Look at her trying to get

Away.

He did not say "I'm sorry"

The whole time.

[ Ding! ]

Look at this. Look at this.

Look at this.

You're ramming it up her.

You're parking it her garage.

Go for the family sitting

Down.

[ Laughter ]

Now go for her friend.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I apologize.

That's an apology.

That's his th apology.

What a wuss.

[ Buzzer ]

Here we go.

Time to get joe's ass kicked.

Get them. Get them.

Aah!

[ Chuckles ]

It's a remote-control car.

It really doesn't hurt.

It's just a nice day in the park

To be driving around.

Hit them. Hit them.

Iamgonna hit them.

[ Laughter ]

You guys are such [bleep]

Get the bride. Get the bride.

Don't -- don't get the bride.

Oh, oh, oh, batteries.

Nope, don't say you're sorry.

Oh, those are nice shoes.

Oh, whoops.

Enjoy the park.

[ Ding! ]

He never said he was sorry.

Sal's a big softie, so you

Know he's gonna apologize.

Get that guy with the backpack.

Nice sh*t.

Say you're sorry, sal.

Now hit the girl.

[ Laughter ]

Sorry.

I'll kick it if you do it next.

Get her again. Get her again.

[ Laughter ]

You do it on me

One more time...

...and I'll throw this thing

In the water.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, she's pissed.

You better apologize, sal.

How are you doing?

It's a nice day.

It's a nice day.

It is a nice day,

But stop hitting me.

I'm just enjoying the park.

You hit it one more

Time at me...

...and I will throw this

Thing in the water, okay?

Hit her again.

Go ahead, dude.

She wants to battle.

Okay. Hit her.

You do it on me one

More time...

...and I'll throw this thing

In the water.

Go ahead, dude.

She wants to battle.

Okay. Hit her again.

Oh!

No!

All: ohh!

Ohh!

We should get a toy

Submarine.

That's what no sorry gets

You.

[ Ding! ]

Oh, my god.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Narrator: sorry, murr, you're

In the lead for last.



Four idiots are about to

Teach golf.

We will be teaching students

The tips and tricks on how to

Improve your game.

How does one start a golf

Lesson?

Q hasn't played a hole of

Golf in his life.

Hey. How are you?

Right over here, buddy.

How are you doing?

How's it going, man? Amil.

Good. Amil? Amil.

Why don't you just hit a little

And let me see what we got.

"That one sucked."

All right, that one sucked.

I'm not gonna lie.

[ Laughter ]

My advice to you...

"Is to hit the ball further."

...just hit the ball further.

[ Laughter ]

Q, give him a golf clap.

Keep doing that all the way

Through his swing.

You got to be able to

Concentrate right through this.

I bet you hit the best thing you

Ever have right now.

[ Laughter ]

Q, tell him to hold on one

Second before he swings.

All right, hold on one

Second.

Go get the ball.

Just lick it and then put it

Back.

[ Laughter ]

[ Spits ]

[ Ding! ]

Scott, how are you? Joe.

How are you doing?

Pleased to be meet you, man.

Nice to meet you.

"Cute top."

[ Laughter ]

"Cute top."

That's a cute top.

That's a cute top.

Scratch the front of your

Pants with the club.

We spread the legs a little

Bit, right, so we got the stance

A little bit better.

Now, it's up in the shoulders,

So when you roll it, you want to

Make sure you roll the shoulders

Back and then bring it through.

Follow all the way through.

[ Laughter ]

Joe, I want you to put your

Nose on him.

Nose [bleep] this guy.

Bring the club all the way up

And hold it for me for a second.

[ Laughter ]

You should feel your body, the

Momentum coming up from the

Top...

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! ]

And then back all the way

Through.

All right, show-off, let's

See you nose his hole-in-one.

Come on, joe, nose his butt,

And we'll move on.

Mnh-mnh.

[ Buzzer ]

What is your name?

Sheila.

Sheila, what do you think is

The most problematic thing for

You?

Well, I guess it's more driving

The driving is the problem?

"Well, you're a woman.

Women can't drive.

That's a known fact."

Well, it's a well-known fact

That women can't drive.

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! ]

Hey, caesar, pleasure to meet

You.

How are you?

Do a swing and then release

The club and launch it over the

Ramp.

Control is very important,

You know, so watch and learn.

[ Laughter ]

That grip was all messed up.

Just grab the ball and swing

And miss as much as you can.

It's all about focus, all

Right?

All right, there.

[ Laughter ]

Oh [bleep]

[ Laughter ]

All right. Here we go.

F--- this s---.

[ Laughter ]

All you, sam. It's not about me.

[ Ding! ]

Well, joe lost.

Put a quarter in your ass 'cause

You played yourself.

Narrator: joe was off his

Game on that one, but murr is

Still tonight's big loser.

It annoys me when they

Collect for charity before a

Movie.

You know what else really annoys

Me?

James murray.

That's right.

So, tonight, we're at the movie

Theater combining two worlds.

That's right.

We are gonna show a promotional

Video to a packed house for a

Charity that doesn't exist.

What's the charity for?

Oh, god.

We made the video and we don't

Even know, brother.

Yeah, it's really a murky

Video.

Have fun, will rogers.

More like won't rogers.

Hey-oh!

Hi, everyone. How are you?

My name is james murray, and the

Theater has been kind enough to

Let me come out here to tell you

About just an amazing new

Charity.

So, let's begin.

So, let's begin.

Aah!

We are gonna show a

Promotional video to a packed

House for a charity that doesn't

Exist.

What's the charity for?

Oh, god, we made the video

And we don't even know, brother.

Yeah, it's really a murky

Video.

Hi, everyone. How are you?

My name is james murray, and the

Theater has been kind enough to

Let me come out here to tell you

About just an amazing new

Charity that I'm actually the

Founder of.

So, let's begin.

The world is full of people.

As you can see -- tons of

People.

Like this one, for example.

And this one.

This girl...

Got into some kind of trouble...

[ Laughter ]

...and d*ed.

And I want you to think about

That for a moment because what

My charity does is --

It helps people cope through

Music.

[ Laughter ]

[ Stammers ]

Musicians...

Musicians and their -- and their

Banjos.

Everyone following?

And that's the reason -- the

Reason why I got involved in

This charity is because...

Pigeons -- let me tell you

Folks, pigeons need more places

To have casual sex.

Am I right?

[ Laughter ]

He's dying.

So, my charity, we also

Promote proper hygiene.

And I -- and -- is that --

That's my toothbrush...

[ Laughter ]

...that my roommate just put in

The toilet.

And that's me brushing my teeth

With it.

[ Laughter ]

So, when you think about it --

When you think about it --

[ Laughter ]

You know, many people...

Many people think three inches

Is not enough, and I'm telling

You it can be.

[ Laughter ]

As folks are -- are -- asl--

[ Laughter ]

Uh...you see --

This -- uh, uh, uh...

It's before I -- it's before I

Shaved my chest hair.

I'm much more shaved now.

That's our mission, and I ask

You to please donate.

[ Coin clinks ]

[ Laughter ]

So, I'll leave this up at the

Front here.

Well done. Well done.