(male narrator)
Coming up, why has Murr been
forced into hiding?
What you've just done
is piqued the curiosity
'of the local authorities.'
The guys give Joe a problem
he can't shake.
I wish there was a way
to solve this problem.
What has Sal
running for his life?
What the hell is that?
And tonight's big
loser humiliates himself
in front of the toughest crowd
imaginable.
[men laughing]
We're in the park, trying
to get people's attention
by saying "Psst!"
After we say "Psst!"
the guys are gonna feed us
an embarrassing secret that
we have to tell the stranger.
Once we share that secret,
we got to get them
to tell us one of their own.
If you can't get someone to
tell you a secret, you lose.
Psst!
- How do you do that?
- It's a secret!
[laughing]
(Murr)
'Here we go. Here we go.'
It's like "Crouching Tiger,
Hidden Fat Guy."
[laughing]
Psst!
I got to tell you something.
Just a little secret.
No. No.
Here's a secret, you're weird.
That's no secret.
[men laughing]
Psst!
I got to tell you something.
- When I was a kid..
- When I was a kid..
- '...my dad used to b*at me..'
- '...my dad used to b*at me..'
- '...at tick-tack-toe..'
- ...at tick-tack-toe..
- ...with a belt.
- ...with his belt.
[men laughing]
Psst!
When I squeeze it,
everything falls into place.
When I squeeze it,
everything falls into place.
- Good.
- Do you, do you..
Do you want to share a secret
with me?
- No, thank you.
- Okay.
[laughing]
Psst! Psst! I..
I cheated on my wife at
the Puerto Rican Day parade.
[laughing]
I cheated on my wife at
the Puerto Rican Day parade.
[laughing]
I don't know.
Do you-do you--
Don't-don't tell her?
- Look at this.
- It's not to get advice.
- But he's to get a secret.
- You got to get a secret, pal.
You guys want
to share a secret with me
just to make me feel better?
[dramatic music]
Ohh! That is..
That was a real secret.
Psst!
Psst! Psst!
Psst!
I got to tell you a secret.
- Waffles..
- Waffles..
...I like them [bleep]
- Waffles?
- I like them [bleep]
Yeah? Have you ever had
chicken and waffles?
- I've had chicken and waffles!
- Isn't that the best?
That's the secret on top of the
secret, chicken and waffles!
Wait, could you tell me
a secret?
- I'm black.
- You're black?
I am.
[laughing]
Have a good day.
His secret is he's black.
That's not really a secret.
That's out there.
(Joe)
'Here you go. Here you go.
Here you go.'
- Psst! I, uh..
- 'I can't stop imagining..'
I-I can't stop imagining..
...what Kate Upton would
look like with testicles.
[chuckles]
...wh-what Kate,
what Kate Upton would look
like with text-icles.
Thank you. Is it
"Text-icle" when you send
a message to your balls?
Is that what that is?
What Kate Upton would
look like with testicles
it's just in my head
all the time.
Okay, that's my secret.
Wh-what secret do you got?
- You got a secret?
- I got a package.
One secret. One secret?
No? No?
Oh! No secret!
I didn't want to say
the word "testicle"
so it came out "Tes-ti-cle."
No, it came out "Text-icle."
Psst!
I want to be pregnant..
I want to be pregnant..
...not just look pregnant.
I.. Oh, yeah.
[laughing]
...not just look pregnant.
[men laughing]
That's my secret.
Do you have a secret
you want to share?
You ever shoplift?
What about that time
you shoplifted?
He was literally doing this
when he asked him.
You ever shoplift?
Give me something juicy.
What's Joe's approach like?
Psst! Psst!
Psst!
Psst! Psst!
[men chuckle]
I don't feel like
I own something..
I don't feel like I own
something..
...until I pee on it.
[laughing]
...until I pee on it.
That's my secret.
You know, I'm just out here,
sharing secrets by the big tree.
I was wondering if you had
anything you wanted to share.
- No, I'm good.
- You're good?
You don't want to share
anything?
- No! No!
- That's my secret.
Don't tell anybody!
Keep it locked up!
Psst! Psst!
I got a panda in my trunk.
- I got a panda in my trunk.
- Uh-huh.
I'm looking to unload a panda.
You want to buy a panda
on the cheap?
Well, that's my secret out here.
It's a hot panda.
[laughing]
You're trying
to unload the panda?
Uh, you got any secrets
you want to tell me?
- I don't have any.
- No secrets?
Nothing, I know,
as big as the panda.
But you want to buy a panda
on the cheap?
I'll throw in some sh**t.
- Some bamboo sh**t?
- Now I'm secretless.
And I have a panda on my hands.
[buzzer]
- I've got this one figured out.
- How so?
What's gonna make this work
is if you pique someone's
curiosity.
That's what we're doing
by saying "Psst!"
No, no, no, no, no.
I got an idea.
Watch.
Watch.
(Sal)
'Look at this idiot.'
(Joe)
'So this is all about
location, huh?'
That's it.
You pique someone's curiosity.
What you've just done is
piqued the curiosity
'of the local authorities.'
'That's the only curiosity
that's been piqued right now.'
Come here.
Psst! I've got a secret.
You want to hear it?
Come here.
I got to get it off my chest.
William Shatner once b*at
my ass down.
William Shatner once b*at
my ass down.
So did Spock.
So did Spock.
I was running my mouth off.
Shatner's there
beats me down.
Spock was about a block behind.
I had it coming.
Anyways, that's my secret.
Do you have something you want
to share with me?
Something personal that you
haven't told anyone before?
[intense music]
I love getting colonics.
You love getting colonics?
- How's that?
- 'That's a great secret!'
You love getting colonics.
I mean, who doesn't?
- '"I love getting colonics."'
- You have a good day, ma'am.
(Q)
'For a guy that crept
out of the bushes.'
I don't even know what to do
anymore with this show.
I don't even know what to do
with it anymore.
[laughing]
[Q laughing]
'Oh, my God! I can't believe
she shared that!'
[men laughing]
She loves getting colonics.
(male narrator)
Q and Joe are, psst,
they have to take a loss.
I'm actually a master
at covering my tracks.
You haven't noticed that
you're the only one that needs
that skill out of
the four of us?
Why do you need that skill set?
I've got a lot of tracks.
You're like
the Long Island Railroad.
[laughing]
We are back!
(all)
At the castle of white!
And we're working
the drive-through!
Why do they keep inviting us
back?
As customers pull up to place
their order, we have to do
and say what the other guys
tell us.
You have to get a tip
no matter what!
If you cannot get a tip..
(all)
You lose!
I don't, I don't know
how to work this.
- 'Q.'
- Yeah.
You take her order, but
you're fighting a wicked case
of, like, the flu.
Come on, nobody wants to hear
that while they're eating.
You got something going.
[coughs]
'Welcome to White Castle.'
[Q gags]
[laughing]
Can I take your ord...
[coughing]
Yeah. Can I get one jalape..
[Q coughing]
And a Coke with no ice.
Oh, God. $ . .
I got the meat sweats!
I got the meat sweats.
You don't want the meat sweats.
[men laughing]
(Sal)
'Come on.
You're sicker than that, bud.'
You should have been off
for a week already.
Yeah, man.
I can't believe he came in.
[Q coughing loudly]
Oh, God.
(Murr)
'Grab her hand! Grab her hand!'
[groans]
[men laughing]
[Q coughs]
This is k*lling me.
[laughing]
Sorry. I..
[coughs]
I have flumonious shingles.
[men laughing]
We started a new policy
where we're taking tips.
[men laughing]
If you-if you feel except..
[coughs loudly]
(Joe)
'Oh, no! No good!'
Welcome to White Castle.
Can I help you?
Can I get the original slider?
$ . . You can pull around.
Hey, Murr, listen, uh,
look down right next
to the register over there.
There's a little, uh, slider
slingshot we made for you.
What am I supposed to do
with this thing?
(Q)
'You're gonna make fast food
go a little faster, so..'
Do me a favor,
put a slider in that
and just wing it past her car.
Fire it over her car.
(Q)
'But don't hit it.
sh**t it over the car.'
- 'There you go.'
- 'There it is.'
[intense music]
[instrumental music]
Hey, Murr, there's a little, uh
slider slingshot
we made for you.
What am I supposed to with
this thing?
(Q)
'Put a slider in that
and just wing it past her car.'
- Fire it over her car.
- Yeah, but don't hit it.
(Q)
'sh**t it over the car.'
- 'There you go.'
- 'There it is.'
[intense music]
[men laughing]
I'm gonna wipe that off
for you.
[men laughing]
Murr, you act like you've
never used a cheeseburger
slingshot before.
(Q)
'That was some amateur-hour
nonsense right there.'
He couldn't even get it over.
The woman's car is here,
he's like..
You know, we do accept tips
if you..
Tips? You freaking threw a
hamburger on my [bleep] window.
[men laughing]
- What can I get you?
- A number eight.
While taking this order, have
a huge argument with a coworker.
(Q)
'Come on, Joe.
Show these people who's boss!'
(Joe)
'Cheese or no cheese?
I'm asking him!'
- Cheese, please.
- So you got the one combo.
Because I said so, Raul!
[men laughing]
(Q)
'Come on, Joe.
Raul's getting out of line.'
If you would've been on time
I wouldn't have to cover
your shift!
[men laughing]
'Was that a Diet Coke? Raul!'
Yes. Two Diet Cokes.
So it's two Diet Cokes, no, I..
Put that mop down, my man!
[laughing]
I'm sorry about that.
You had the ring,
and then the sack full..
Raul, are you gonna
start it up now?
[men laughing]
Alright. So that will be two
Diet Cokes. We got two..
Raul, drop the mop, and
it's gonna get real in here!
And two Xanax for you.
[laughing]
We are accepting gratuities
today
if you guys are interested.
'It's been a rough day here.'
- No, no, no, no, no!
- Oh, come on!
- No, no, no!
- That's like multiple dollars!
Thank you so much.
[bleep] see that, Raul?
(Murr)
'Oh! You son of a..'
Welcome to White Castle.
What can I get you, mustache?
[men laughing]
- Sorry, mustache.
- Don't call me mustache.
Alright, mustache, don't call me
clown is all I'm saying.
- Do it! Do it!
- Go ahead.
Welcome to White Castle.
What can I get you, mustache?
Uh, can I get two originals,
two regulars?
Keep calling him mustache,
buddy.
- Anything to drink, mustache?
- No.
- Any fries or side, mustache?
- No. No.
Alright. Any mustache, mustache?
[laughs]
[laughing]
- No, that's it, man.
- Alright. $ . .
'Take it around, mustache.'
[men laughing]
Sal, when he comes out,
pet his mustache!
[laughing]
Oh, guys, I'm nervous here.
(Joe)
'You touch his mustache!'
[intense music]
Okay, this here is, uh..
That's the order.
And then I was gonna just try
and, uh..
Huh?
I was just gonna try and get
a little touch, the mustache.
- The mustache?
- Yeah.
- Really?
- Just a, just a touch.
Just-just one touch.
That's all I wanted.
It'll make my day.
- He's on the fence!
- No way.
[intense music]
(Q)
Ah!
It would make my day.
[all cheering]
Thank you, sir.
We are accepting tips.
Thank you so much.
[all groan]
(Joe)
'Come on, man!'
Thank you, bud.
Have a great day.
So, uh, Sal, I heard it was
"bring your cat to work" day.
Yeah, okay.
So to mess with Sal today,
I brought a cat to work.
- You know that Sal hates cats.
- Hates them with a passion.
He's fearful of them.
[intense music]
What the [bleep] is that?
[men laughing]
What the hell is that?
I'm not sure how to react!
[laughing]
(Q)
'Get him, Benjamin!'
Get him, Benjamin!
[men laughing]
(male narrator)
Q and Murr are in a pickle.
They both take a loss.
Have you ever been att*cked
by a cat?
- Yeah.
- When?
- In high school.
- In high school?
So years ago.
You tell me what other
creature that you don't know
from a hole in the wall
will walk up to you
and start grinding
against your body.
- A dog.
- Murray.
[laughing]
Guys, I still want to dance!
We're back in the park trying to
get strangers to dance with us.
Last time we tried this,
nobody would join in
so we're gonna try it again!
We have to get people to
dance with us without actually
asking them to dance with us.
If you can't get them to join
you, you lose!
You better stop.
You're gonna hurt yourself.
[Murr laughing]
I got this figured out,
b*tches.
(Murr)
'Oh, yeah?'
Yeah, I'm down by the
fountain where we were
supposed to rehearse.
- Oh.
- Oh!
Yeah.
Well, the big show is tonight.
- Why aren't you coming?
- 'Oh.'
The big show with moves
like that.
I've almost got it. I just can't
remember the last step.
(Sal)
'This is an interesting
approach.'
'He's setting the tone
that he's dancing already.'
- 'He's making it normal.'
- What am I gonna do now?
How am I gonna practice?
Alright, well, don't worry.
I'll make do.
[men laughing]
[instrumental music]
[men laughing]
(Murr)
'He's trying to remember
the moves.'
He's high-stepping
around the block.
He just looks like a loon.
(Joe)
I don't know
if you overheard me.
I almost have the whole step
down. We have a show tonight.
And this is the last part
I'm missing.
I know it's you spin out,
but it's kind of hard to do it
without a partner.
[laughing]
I wish there was a way to solve
this problem.
[men laughing]
- If anybody was..
- You know what..
He's not asking directly,
though.
He hasn't violated a rule yet.
It's just, it's real quick.
It's just a..
It's a little, and then there's
a spin thing and then a dip.
I want to do a little dipski
on the fashank.
[laughing]
It's a little bit of a sashay.
We do a little of this
at the end.
You guys don't dance?
You guys don't feel the rhythm?
- No.
- That's a no.
Bad news, I'm not gonna make
it to Broadway.
Yeah. No kidding.
[men laughing]
I have so much confidence
in my moves.
I feel like you can't watch it
and not join in.
So it's like osmosis?
I'm gonna lay it out for them.
(Joe)
'Oh, alright.'
(Murr)
'Here he goes.'
[sighs]
Guys. Alright.
(Q)
'Here he goes.'
[men laughing]
Oh, they're clapping.
A clap isn't a dance.
- Clapping is not dancing.
- If it inspires you, do it.
Sal's gonna collapse
from exhaustion.
[all gasp]
[instrumental music]
[men laughing]
Sal's gonna collapse
from exhaustion.
You're feeling it.
You're feeling it.
He might get them!
He might get them!
'They might be inspired!'
[men groan]
- Come on!
- No! No!
- Oh, man!
- Thank you so much.
Come on, dude!
That's how...you do it.
Alright. Here he goes.
He's sizing up. He's sizing up.
Guys, do you know where the
Empire State Building is?
[men laughing]
I thought the Empire State
Building was that way
but I think it's this way.
Do you know?
Is that even a dance or a
gallop? I feel he's galloping.
I've been trying
to find it all day
and I can't seem to get it.
- Now it's a dance.
- Now it's a dance.
I'm not really sure which way
is north and which is south.
What do you think?
No, no. That's up and down.
I'm looking for the
Empire State Building.
Any ideas?
[laughing]
Any ideas? Is it this way?
Or is it this way?
(Q)
'I will say this for him,
every time I think he can't get'
any weirder, he figures out
a way to get weirder.
Can any of you help me?
Anyone?
Help me find it together.
You're gonna help?
[men laughing]
- 'He's doing it!'
- 'Oh! Come on!'
- That's it! Yeah!
- 'Oh, my..'
Okay.
So here goes the king of dance.
If you recall what happened
last time..
You know what,
he cheated last time.
Guys, remember,
I only cheated last time
'cause I didn't think
I'd get caught.
- That's true.
- Now you guys are onto it.
That's a whole different
ballgame.
You know the hokey-pokey?
- You can't do that!
- You can't ask him!
- You can't talk about dancing!
- Can I see you do it?
(Murr)
'You can't say, "Let me see!"'
Get up. Do the hokey-pokey.
Let me show you.
- Come on.
- 'No.'
That's it! Disqualified!
[men laughing]
(male narrator)
Q doesn't have any moves,
making him tonight's big loser.
Alright, Q is the big loser
and now it's time
for his punishment.
You are normally not shy when
it comes to talking about sex
until now.
That's because behind that
door is a packed classroom
'full of sixth graders'
'waiting for you to give them
the "Birds and the bees" talk.'
We've created a sex-education
slide show for you to help
'to get your points across.'
So you got to go in there
and tell them what to put where
and everybody will be alright.
I don't know
if this is a good idea.
[laughing]
So, what Q doesn't know is
that we've secretly taken out
'all the sixth graders and
replaced them with his parents.'
(Sal)
'Yes. Yes, we did.'
Mama and Papa Q are gonna
find out what it's like to make
'a kid again from their kid.'
My God, this is amazing.
This is like the greatest day
of my life.
[intense music]
[instrumental music]
[men laughing]
Oh. Okay.
[men laughing]
[chuckles nervously]
Oh, wow.
That's-that's what we're doing?
[men laughing]
[clears throat]
- Mom and dad.
- Hi, Brian.
Uh, apparently, today
I will be teaching you about
the birds and the bees.
I'll look at dad
the entire time.
Nope.
I'm just looking at you, pop.
Gonna pretend mom
is not even here.
Okay.
[clears throat]
Well..
That's the male.
[men laughing]
Uh, it's..
That's what a male looks like.
That's where I'm gonna
punch my friends right there.
[laughing]
[clears throat]
Okay. Just moving along.
[chuckles]
Okay.
That's a picture
of his parents' bedroom.
Right.
This is where I was conceived.
I thought I was conceived
in Brooklyn.
Same bedroom set, bud.
[laughing]
Same bedroom set.
Okay, so that's,
that right there
is where the magic created me.
- More or less. Yeah.
- God, I'm sweating.
Okay. Moving along.
"The story of how Brian Quinn
lost his virginity."
Oh, this should be interesting.
[clears throat]
Remember Locust Lake? Remember
we went there on vacation?
- Don't tell me.
- And there was that nice girl..
Jen, that kind of lived across..
Jen lived across
and up the road.
Took me into the house and, uh,
and...you know..
- You didn't.
- Anyway, so that happened.
'Let's move this along.'
(Sal)
'Come on, Q. Open it.'
Ma, I need you to close
your eyes for this.
Could you close your eyes
for this?
[chuckles]
Yeah.
What's in the box?
So, um..
[laughing]
There's a donut, okay?
And there's a hot dog.
Alright. So..
[men laughing]
[man applauding]
[laughing continues]
You getting how that works?
Uh, sometimes two women will be
attracted to each other.
[men laughing]
Thank you guys very much.
Um, I hope you learned
something new.
And just keep bail money around,
because I'm gonna go in the next
room and k*ll my friends, okay?
- Thank you. I'll be right back.
- There you go, Bri.
Yeah. Excuse me.
02x06 - Birds and the Bees
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.
This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.