02x22 - Everything's Just Rosie

[bunniefuu]

(male narrator)

Coming up..

What's got Joe and Murr

bumping and grinding?

(both)

Yeah!

(male narrator)

Do the jokers have

too much on their plates?

(Sal)

'Potatoes flying everywhere!'

(male narrator)

And the most

surprising punishment ever.

It's Rosie O'Donnell!

[laughing]

Today, we're teaming up at

Melody Lanes in Brooklyn.

Hitting pins and taking frames.

While interacting with the

other turkeys

We'll have to do and say

what the other team tells us.

If you refuse to do or say

anything, you're in the gutter.

Could you guys spare me

the bowling puns?

I made one, too!

[all cheering]

Yahtzee!

- Just like old times.

- Yep.

You know, Joe and I

were on the bowling team

together in high school.

Wanna go out there

and take their lunch money?

Hey, man.

[laughs]

- 'Here we go.'

- 'Oh, wow.'

(Quinn)

'These look like bowlers

with no patience'

for men like Murray and Joe.

See if they want appletinis.

So, do you guys want a round

of appletinis?

[laughing]

(Sal)

'Murr, when his ball

comes back out'

grab it first and smell it.

[laughing]

[sniffing]

What's that?

Sorry.

I was just smelling that one.

Sorry about that.

Ah, just to see

what it smells like.

Just to see

what it smells like.

Yeah.

[laughing]

When Murray goes,

trash-talk him

but, like, crazy inappropriate.

You suck.

Gutter ball.

Gutter ball.

You suck.

Your mother's a [bleep] whore.

[laughing]

Works every time.

Celebrate like crazy.

Murr, back him up.

(both)

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah!

You saw that nine?

Yeah! Yeah!

You saw that nine?

You saw that nine!

(both)

Yeah!

[laughing]

Sit down on the lane

and massage each other's feet.

[laughing]

Yeah, exactly

what you're thinking

is what I want you to do.

[groans]

Oh.

(Quinn)

'A double, a double massage.'

[laughing]

(Quinn)

'It's a double foot massage.'

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- Just look at that.

You really gotta

work on the - split.

(Sal)

'These guys are getting

so uncomfortable, man.'

Have you guys seen

the waitress?

We're still waiting

on our appletinis.

[laughing]

Do I just bowl?

(Joseph)

'You can either bowl

or go hunt a gazelle.'

Whatever you want to do with

that shirt.

Sal, don't let him get too close

to your panda shirt.

He might att*ck.

You look like fat Tarzan.

[laughing]

- How you doing, guys?

- 'Alright, fellas.'

We want you to European kiss

after every turn you bowl.

So, like the two cheeks?

[laughing]

- Hey! Alright!

- Alright!

(both)

Hey! Mwah! Mwah!

(Quinn)

'Yeah!'

[laughing]

They all, they all just

looked at you.

- 'Do it again.'

- Aww!

I thought you would've

picked that up.

It's alright, it's alright.

- Alright

- Mwah! Mwah!

(both)

Mwah! Mwah!

Okay, now, Sal, he just bowled,

so give him a European kiss.

(both)

Hey!

- Mwah!

- Yeah.

Mwah!

Sal, bowl like a lady, buddy.

A proper woman.

[laughing]

(Murray)

'Oh, my god.'

This is hard to watch.

[laughing]

(Joseph)

'Walk back with attitude.'

Girlfriend.

[laughing]

- Come on! Come on!

- Oh, he missed it.

Sal, give him a hug,

a long hug.

It's alright, bud.

(Joseph)

'Hold that embrace.'

'Sal, start petting Q's mane.

Start petting his mane.'

[laughing]

(Murray)

'They're all staring!'

Now big break, say,

"Okay, let's go!"

Alright, let's go.

I'm stewing

in-in the humiliation.

Q, when this guy reaches

for the ball, grab his hand.

Look him in the eye

and say, "Hey."

- Hey.

- "You're a hell of a bowler."

- You're a hell of a bowler.

- "For a woman."

For..

[laughing]

You're a hell of a bowler.

Boom!

Sorry.

I was looking him in the eyes.

Two turkeys!

That's what you are.

Your nickname should be

gutter ball.

(male narrator)

Q and Sal are in

a league of their own

on the loser board.

You guys ever enter

a tournament?

- I was in a karate tournament.

- What? You?

- I didn't know that!

- I was in grade school.

I got eliminated first round.

I always wanted to take karate.

My parents wouldn't let me.

My mother was afraid

I was gonna break my nose.

Ironically,

I got my nose broke in a fight

because I couldn't

defend myself.

[laughing]

We're here at Redd's restaurant

and bar

adding food

to people's plates.

Armed with this bowl

of mashed potatoes

the goal is to dole out

as many scoops as possible

until you're asked to stop.

Whoever serves

the fewest scoops loses.

Important note,

we don't work here

and they didn't order potatoes!

But they're gonna get them!

Alright, bud, go get them.

Let's serve up some potatoes.

I'll tell you what,

I'm really nervous.

They just got their food.

[laughing]

You're just a grown man

holding a bowl of potatoes.

One, two, potatoes.

(Joseph)

'Here he goes.'

And get it right up in there

with the potatoes.

(all)

Ohh!

You're just a grown man

holding a bowl of potatoes.

One, two, potatoes.

(Joseph)

'Here he goes.'

And get it right up in there

with the potatoes.

[laughing]

You're gonna want to share them,

but you don't have to.

[laughing]

They're mashed.

Right there is

where you wanna go.

(Quinn)

'Look at her, look at her.'

Knock knock.

Potatoes.

- 'Oh! Whoa!'

- 'Whoa.'

- Here's some.

- Thank you.

I don't work, I don't,

I don't work here.

No.

No, wait!

They're handing it back!

[laughing]

(Joseph)

'You left her

holding her plate up.'

I didn't think he was gonna

get that many scoops.

Ha!

This is..

I'm really nervous.

It's terrifying

when you're down here

with eight pounds of potatoes.

Good luck b*ating

all my scoops, buddy.

Oh, my god.

You're coming out of

the gate with a lot of scoops.

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, guys,

I'm-I'm sorry to interrupt.

I'm sitting at the table

just around the way

and somebody's blocking my car.

I have a gray Honda Civic.

Murr doesn't base

anything on the truth.

He's never owned a car.

The car that's

blocking me is like, uh

it's like a Volkswa..

Like an SUV.

- Does anybody have one?

- No.

Are you guys driving an SUV?

It was parked, like,

right there.

[laughing]

Oh, the distracted.

I don't even understand

the approach here.

Like, just sneak scoops?

Sir, what kind of car

do you have back there?

What? A Sonata.

Did you park

in the main lot over there?

This guy is horrified.

- What? The side.

- You went over to the side lot?

That-that's not gonna get him

a lot of scoops.

That's gonna get him a couple

sneak scoops.

What kind of car

did you drive over?

- Guys?

- They're ignoring him!

They're actually ignoring him!

What kind of car did you drive?

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

There's no worries.

I'm-I'm sorry.

Here's the scoop, Murr,

you're done!

[laughing]

(Joseph)

'You know, it's really

nice of Redd's'

with their food for the

homeless program they're doing

'with the big bowls

of mashed potatoes.'

I'm dressed exactly like Sal.

I mean, you're wearing

the same outfit,

you both have a beard, you both

have a good head of hair

but somehow you still

look homeless.

It's actually weird because

you and Joe dress alike

and you look like an [bleep].

[laughing]

Hey, guys.

I got the cure

for what ails you.

Potatoes.

[laughing]

That's every potato

in the bowl out right there.

Q, it's how many scoops

you put!

It's not you lose

all the potatoes!

- It's how many scoops!

- Oh, [bleep]

- 'That's one scoop!'

- 'Nice plan, [bleep]'

So, uh, guys,

what are we doing here?

Scoopin' potatoes, buddy.

No, no, no.

There's your mistake.

Let's scoopski potatoes.

Is that Italian?

[laughing]

- "Scoopsy potatoes?"

- Scoopski.

(Murray)

'Why is he so confident?'

Whenever he makes up words,

I get scared.

♪ Scoopski potatoes

ugh ♪

♪ Scoopski potatoes ♪

[laughing]

♪ Scoopski potatoes

ah ah ♪

♪ Scoopski potatoes ♪

Bang!

♪ Scoopski potato ♪

♪ Scoopski po.. ♪

Aah! Boom!

♪ Scoopski potatoes ♪

♪ Scoopski potatoes ♪

♪ Scoopski potatoes ♪

♪ Scoopski potatoes

scoopski potatoes ♪

Bang!

There's potato

flying everywhere.

♪ Scoopski potatoes

ugh ♪

[laughing]

♪ You want the scoopski ♪

♪ You've got potatoes ♪

♪ You want the scoopski

you got potatoes ♪

The trick is to make them laugh

so they don't care.

Where's it going?

Scoopski pota..

Aah! Ohh! Ehh! Ohh!

[laughing]

♪ Scoopski potatoes ♪

♪ Who wants scoopskies?

I got potatoes ♪

♪ who got the scoopskies?

I got potatoes ♪

♪ Scoopski potatoes! ♪♪

(Sal)

'Oh, my God!'

That's-that's the taste

of victory right there.

(male narrator)

Q's big scoop is small potatoes

so he's eating up

the loser board.

[instrumental music]

What do you guys

see in the clouds?

- I see your mom.

- Oh!

Got him again!

It's not cool, guys.

Today, we're cloud-watching

in central park.

We have to go up to strangers

and tell them

what we see in the clouds.

The catch is, what we see

will be given to us

by the other guys.

If you can't get

the person to admit

that they see what you see,

you lose.

You see that cloud

right there?

Doesn't that look like

something to you?

For me, this one right here,

this cloud?

Looks like a hooker

with a heart of bronze.

Looks like a, uh..

..uh, it looks like a hooker

with a heart of bronze.

'You know?'

Like, she's made some mistakes,

you know?

But she's-she's on her way back.

Like she might not take all the

stuff from the nightstand,

but she might take

like five dollar for gas.

Yeah, yeah..

Hey, uh..

You didn't even ask her

if she saw it, you dope?

You didn't play

the game right.

She just walked away thinking

you're some weird guy that saw

'in a cloud, a hooker

with a heart of bronze.'

I forgot to ask her.

[laughing]

(Joseph)

'Sit next to white pants.'

You see the cloud

right there?

Do you think that looks like

anything at all?

- I do. I see a--

- A delicious hole.

[laughing]

It means nothing,

but it sounds like it does.

Nothing and everything

at the same time.

It looks like a delicious hole.

Do you see it?

"Nope. Ready? We're out."

On my list of activities

that I would do on any given day

cloud-watching is the absolute

last thing that I would ever do.

I get it. It's like, uh..

It's like an imagination thing.

I can imagine

everything Q sees

is, like, beer,

sh*t of whiskey.

'Redhead.'

Can I ask your opinion

on something?

You see that,

that cloud right there?

Does that look like

anything to you?

'Cause to me, it looks like..

Your real hair color.

- Oh, my God!

- You're a genius.

- Oh, my God!

- Oh, yeah?

Can I ask your opinion

on something?

You see that,

that cloud right there?

Does that look like

anything to you?

- 'Cause to me, it looks like..

- Your real hair color.

- Oh, my God!

- You're a genius.

To me, it looks like

a giant thumbs-down.

Looks like a giant, like,

thumbs-down in the sky.

Yeah.

Guys, what does that look

like to you?

That cloud up there?

Yeah, you see that one

floating by? See, to me--

It looks like a bunch of

shirtless third-graders.

[laughing]

To me..

To me, it looks like a bunch of

shirtless rd-graders.

Oh, my God.

- 'Yeah, right up there.'

- "There's Tad right there."

You got Tad, Christopher,

Dalton with no shirts.

I mean, do you guys see it?

You don't know the half of it.

[laughing]

(Joseph)

'Right here.'

'Plaid shirt, pink jacket.'

Wow.

Guys, see those clouds passing

by right here?

To me, it looks just like...

"my father telling me

I'm a failure."

[laughing]

It looks just like my father

telling me I'm a failure.

To me, every single cloud

looks like that.

Every tree,

the laughter of children.

Just reminds me of my father

thinking I'm a failure.

(Murray)

'Do you see it on the cloud?'

Is it obvious

when you look at me?

Okay, nice to meet you.

Right now,

your father was right, buddy.

'That's failure.'

Oh. Do want me to help you?

Is it your first time to the

fountain, or..

Yeah.

'I come down here

for the cloud-watching.'

What's that cloud look

like to you?

'You see that little one

right in the middle?'

'A fish laughing?'

You know

what it looks like to me?

Two mattresses

having a pillow fight.

It looks like two mattresses

having a pillow fight.

[laughing]

- That's a good one.

- That is a good one, right?

- Do you see it?

- Maybe.

Maybe?

Oh, it's a maybe.

No, no, no.

That's not a yes.

- "It's a maybe."

- Gonna need a yes or no-ski.

If you look at the whole thing,

it actually looks like..

An NBA locker room.

Yeah.

[laughing]

Ah, an NBA locker room.

That's not a dragon, no, no.

That tail sticking down is

Shaq's dong.

"The little one!"

Yeah, it must have got

cold in there.

"Oh, my God!

There's Dreadlock Jesus!"

Oh, [bleep]

Dreadlock Jesus.

See this? Right here.

It's Jesus but with dreadlocks.

So, like, when he's, like,

multiplying the loaves

he's just doing this first.

Right? Do you see it?

Oh-ho-ho!

(male narrator)

It's cloudy skies for Q.

He's tonight's big loser.

Q lost,

and he's great at losing.

- But he is terrible at science.

- Wait. What?

So, inside waiting for him

is a room full

of science enthusiasts.

And we've prepared a

presentation for him

titled "The Future of

Science and Technology."

Wait. I thought you guys were

dressing me up like a butcher.

Oh, you're gonna

butcher this.

That's a scientific fact, Jack.

Hello.

Welcome,

a-a-and thank you for coming.

"Quinndustries, The Future of

Science and Technology."

I'm Brian Quinn,

Ph.D., of course

un, in technology

at Cornell University.

Okay, here we go.

"Examples of recent

breakthroughs."

Ah, "acceleration

of quantum computing."

Got to love that

quantum computing.

"Non-invasive

genome sequencing."

He's trying really hard

to pronounce the words right.

The beginning

of the presentation

he cannot keep up.

"Impending

medical breakthroughs."

This is, this is what

I feel is going to

'really interest everybody.

"Common cold vaccine."'

It's coming, and it all

comes down to genome sequencing.

There is no vaccine for that.

I mean, I guess beer?

'cause if you really want to get

your genome sequence on.

And..."The State of Research."

Now this is interesting.

"Research and experimental

development is formal work

"which is undertaken

systematically

"to increase the stock

of knowledge

"including knowledge of

humanity, culture and society

and the use of this stock

of knowledge.."

Write this down.

"...to devise new applications

"in the corresponding

field of study

"for the collective advancement

of the aforementioned knowledge

of humanity, culture,

and society."

Ah, Dr. Craig Yun, Ph.D.

Great guy,

works down the hall from me

also went to Cornell.

He's a Nobel Laureate

and that guy is just cracking

away at genome sequencing.

[laughing]

Also kind of a d*ck.

He's a smart d*ck.

"The future of cloning."

- 'Oh.'

- 'Here we go.'

"Yes!

"Human cloning is possible now.

Quinndustries has successfully

cloned the first human."

There you go, Q,

the first human clone.

- 'There's the Q-two!'

- 'Rosie O'Donnell.'

I mean, look..

"Introducing the Q-two."

(Joseph)

'Right there.

Look at that vault.'

Okay.

Oh.

[laughing]

Amazing!

"Quinndustries has successfully

cloned the first human."

There you go, Q,

the first human clone.

"Introducing the Q-two."

(Joseph)

'Right there.

Look at that vault.'

Okay.

Oh.

(Joseph)

'This is

the cloning technology.'

(Murray)

'It's Rosie O'Donnell!'

'Your twin!'

[laughing]

Right.

Oh, okay, I see.

(both)

Oh, wow.

[laughing]

The Q-two,

ladies and gentlemen.

[applauding]

There we go, the, uh..

...cloning,

ladies and gentlemen!

[laughing]

Q-two, Q-two, this way.