03x02 - Welcome to the Hotel Calamari

[bunniefuu]

It is not our fault.

- You are not listening.
- we give the boy a perfect education.

- Ronald Reagan knew about Oliver North...

Thank you. This is no one's fault.

Greg just needed some time to himself.

And think about it he spent his whole life
pushing for other people's approval.

So, it is their fault?

because we try to instill
some values in our son?

The corrupt values of a moral
and degenerate society.

Oliver North is an American hero...

Okay super.

I think we've heard from everyone.

and I think that, without assigning blame,

we can understand why
Greg needed some quiet time.

You're saying it's everybody's fault.

fine!

Including Edward and Kitty.

Abby!

Larry!

We all have our way
of taking a vacation, right?

Abby you meditate

Kitty and Edward you go on your cruises,

Larry you also...

go away

That's all Greg's doing,
he's just gone some place to recharge.

Well, that makes perfect sense.

Yes, I mean, I couldn't get
through the year

without my "Wicked La coster"; the spa.

Then I'm sure that's exactly
what Greg's doing .

Except without all the massages

because he's not comfortable
having strangers touch him.

Gee, I wonder whose fault that is.

Here you go, perhaps this
will be more to your liking.

This is perfect.

You know, you're only on the second floor
the fall won't k*ll you

No, I'm not here to k*ll myself,

I told you I'm on a voyage
of self-discovery.

I see.

Shall I call down to the pro shop
and get you a tee time?

These, I thought maybe
I'd swing by pebble beach.

but then I realized that's
the old Greg, you know,

filling my time with golf and work,
so I don't deal with my real issues,

fear of failure,
constant need of validation.

- Good for you.
- Thank You.

Anyway I just didn't want to leave
the clubs in the car.

You're staying here when you got a car
you could sleep in?

You know, I considered that,

but this seemed more gritty more like the-

the kind of place where desperate souls

have struggled to find meaning
in their lives.

That shower rod won't hold you away.

I'm not here to k*ll myself.

I want to believe you.

Is there a phone?

Down the hall.

but most people just
pin a note to their shirt...

Now I have something to say. OK?

Excuse me, are you gonna be long?

You're gonna tell me about commitment?

let me tell you about commitment,

I'm the guy who cut off hottie
and the blowfish,

just so we could become the woman
you wanted him to be.

Is there another phone around?

I'm almost done.

And who insisted I get
the fancy deluxe boobies?

Not me, I wanted to go
to the Hawaiian islands.

They're beautiful.

the islands.

I want you to call me
the moment you hear from him.

You'll be my first call.

- Dharma, I want to know where Gregory is.
- That'll be the subject of my call. Good night.

You handled that very well.

Thank you. I think I finally figured out
the trick to these family meetings.

Larry, you can come out now.

You know, I don't want to make
a big thing out of this.

But I don't think it's right for you to
send me out of the room, for no reason

It's a time out, it's called a timeout.

Larry's right Abby,
we shouldn't have done that.

OK, well, I forgive you.

I's just kind of embarrassing
to be sent out of the room like that.

I understand.

Larry, would you take these
to the kitchen and clean them.

- Sure.
- Thanks...

- How you doing?
- I'm fine.

Dharma, you came out of my body
I can feel your suffering.

I'm not suffering Abby, I'm fine.

Sorry.

Come on, it's me you're talking to.

Honey, your soulmate disappeared,
you don't know where he is.

You have to acknowledge
how you feel about that.

No, Abby, really I'm okay.

I got it

- Maybe I should go to help Larry.
- No, no, no, no.

Larry has his work and you have yours.

This is a scary time Dharma.

No, it's not Abby, really.
Greg's a grown man he'll be fine.

he can take care of himself and
when he's ready he'll come back.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

Got it...

Sorry.

What are you afraid of?

That I'm going to have
to eat off banana leaves.

Dharma, if you name your darkest fear,
it no longer controls you.

Tell me what's the worst that can happen
to Greg while he's gone?

He'll be lonely.

Dharma?

I don't know.

Then he'll reconsider his life
and decide that he doesn't want me in it,

and I'll never see him again.

- See, now don't you feel better?
- No.

Hey, is darma okay?

She will be.

It's a good thing we were here...

Don't look at me.

OK, you know what, you can take that song
to Mow-town. cause we heard it before.

Oh yeah, a lot of men would be very happy
to have me because I'm special.

No, no, don't do that,
you made your point really well.

- You think?
- Yes,

you're a very special person and
any one would be happy to have you.

You're so nice.

Don't look at me, my mascara is running

- You look fine.
- You think so.

I don't have raccoon eyes?

it's perfect.

you look beautiful.

Do you know the last time
Anthony told me I look beautiful?

It's probably been too long.

It was the day we tried out
for the Yankees.

Hi Dharma,

honey why are you crying?

I don't know, part of it is cause I'm happy.

I don't know who she is.

Trina.
Trina,

Honey, I just wanted to call so
you wouldn't worry about me.

You called just because
you didn't want her to worry.

Honey, whatever he did you take him back.

I didn't do anything.

Well then, why is she crying, Mr innocent?

Give me the phone.

I'm so glad you called, where are you?

Wait, wait hang on here.

Okay,

got it.

No I promise, I won't tell your parents
where you are.

Greg, I can handle your mother,
what's she gonna do, t*rture me?

Really?

OK, I love you too honey,
and I'm very very proud of you.

okay

I'll talk to you then
bye

He's fine.

See, we're getting
all worked up over nothing.

I know,

time out...

- Who is it?
- It's me, Trina.

Remember, you said I was beautiful.

it's kind of late.

Please, you have to let me in.

It's a matter of my life or my death.

There's a phone right behind you,
maybe you should call the police.

Open the door!

OK, my boyfriend's gone crazy
so here's the plan.

I'm gonna get into bed with you,
for like five minutes,

he comes in, he sees us, we're together,
we're happy, he says okay he leaves.

That's a terrible plan. What's your plan?

- I don't have a plan.
- How can you criticize mines...

Trina!

If I find you, I'll k*ll you!

That's him.

I figured.

Drop dead, you rock bastard.

No name calling.

Trina!

Open the door, I'm break it down.

You're not mad enough to break it down.

No, don't say that!

All right, now back off!

You're not gonna lay a hand on her.

Who's he?

This is my lover. we're together now
and we're very happy.

Take good care of her.

That's it?

That's how you fight for me?

That's how you k*ll for me?

- Hello, hello!
- Kitty.

What a surprise?

- Well, I called.

I know and I told you
not to come, and here you are.

Dharma this is...

very difficult for me.

but I need your help.

I can't tell you where Greg is,
I promised him.

All right, I don't need to know.

Ohhh K.

I know what you're doing.

you tell me you don't need to know

and then I don't tell you, and then you...

what are you doing?

I'll share a little family secret
with you.

Is this about why you're not
allowed at (Neiman Marcus)?

No.

No? cause I heard you roughed up
one of those perfume squirt girls.

No, this...

is about Edward.

When Edward was a little boy,

the only time he spent with his father

was a fishing trip
that they took once a year.

And when his father d*ed,

Edward took those fishing poles,
he put them away

and he said,
"I am never going fishing again."

- That's so sad.
- But...

when Gregory was four years old,
he found those fishing poles

and he took them
and he said to his father,

"Daddy, I wanna go fishing."

And they went?

No, no, not that year.

because Edward was being audited.

But... the next year
and every year thereafter

my little boy took his daddy fishing.

Until now,

- Cause Greg's gone?
- Exactly

And you won't tell us where he is, so...

I feel terrible.

Edward has put the fishing poles away.

He put them away?

So, I think you know what you have to do?

Yes.

I have to take Edward fishing.

OK, forget the damn fishing,
where is Gregory?

Greg is fine Kitty,
it's Edward we have to worry about.

I figured out what better way to go on.

Excuse me.

Voyage of self-discovery then to get
a real working man's job.

You know, a kind of Cannery Row
Steinbeck thing.

???

At first I was going for a Hemingway's
Old man & the sea fishing boat experience,

but I get a little queasy on water.

I'm good in a pool.

- Anyway, here's my resume.
- Resume?

That's hobbies and special skills,

job history and education
is on the other side.

I know what you're thinking...

you're thinking I'm overqualified.

Well not, unless they taught you
how to clean squid at...

Harvard?

Well, not per se, but I did have
an economics professor

who made you feel like you were
cleaning squid, if you know what I mean?

Not important.

What's important is that I'm here,
I'm able-bodied

and I'm willing to start at the bottom.

That's good,

because as you can see here,
all our executive positions are taken.

Are you sure this is gonna work?

It works for bears...

- I don't believe it!
- Neither do I!

Next life time, you have to save me.

So long lunch

Oh god, this is nice, huh?

- Too bad Greg can't be here.
- Yeah...

To tell you the truth,
I'm kind of proud of him.

taking some time to figure out
what he's doing with his life.

man...

has really got to have
a certain kind of...

wife to do that.

Thank you.

- Freshy?
- Yesse.

You what Edward?

I got to tell you something,

in all the time that I have known you...

I had no idea you were so much fun.

Hey, I put the F-U in fun Lily.

You're not like this at home.

No, you're not supposed
to be like this at home.

That's what fishing trips are for.

Eddie...

you shouldn't confine your bliss
to one weekend in a year.

No, no, it's not just one weekend.

When Kitty takes her spa week at la Costa,

I run around the house butt-naked.

what about the maid?

She tends to take that week off.

Send a squid!

Okay Harvard, when you're done here
I want you up in processing.

Up?

Is...

that like a promotion?

It's a whole new tax bracket.

Is he kidding or is it really a promotion?

Not important.

It's about the work.

But he did say up.

- Who is it?
- It's me Tina.

The brunette from next door.

I borrowed your dust-buster.

Oh, that's Trina.

Thank you very much.

I empty the thingy.

Thanks, most people don't.

Most people are animals.

You used to be a lawyer, right?

Yep, but that was the old Greg,
the false Greg.

Now, I'm just being
the best squid skinner I can be.

- I got promoted today, I think.
- Good for you.

- Can I tell you something?
- I requested a non-smoking room.

sorry.

I grew up in Puerto Rico...

but I wasn't happy there.

So then I moved to New York, same thing.

Then I came out here, I meet Anthony.

You saw him.

He's a dream-boy.

But I'm still not happy,

so I go to the doctor, snip snip snip,
there I'm a beautiful.

I got a tight little tummy,

but that's not from the operation,
that's from the Tae-Bo.

And your point is?

I'm still not happy.

okay

I see what you're saying.

I changed locations,

I changed jobs but I'm still the same guy.

A journey of self-discovery is not...

external, it's internal.

Whatever...

my question is,

I cut off my PP for Anthony, and now
he doesn't want me, so can I sue him?

Cause he got ton of money
from a fake car accident.

I don't know, do you have any evidence?

come on puppy,

you don't save them in a jar like tonsils.

Hey boys!

Oh my god, Greg.

Greg!

Honey

Honey,

- Greg!
- Hey!

- Oh God! I miss you so much.
- I miss you too.

Are you back for good?
Yeah.

- Dharma?
- Mmm?

This was such an amazing trip,
I learned so much.

Really, like what?

I didn't have to go somewhere
to start a voyage of self-discovery,

I could start right here.

Or, now you can start right here.

- What if I start here?
- Oh, then I would start right here...

I don't understand,
why did you go fishing with my father?

Because he was sad that you weren't here
for your annual fishing trip.

What annual fishing trip?

Every year you your dad fishing.

Dharma...

we've lived together for two years,

Do you ever seen me
go fishing with my father?

Who are you calling?

I got up in the middle of the night
& drove five hours

just to drink beer and throw up
all over your dad's Mercedes.

Kitty!

Hi, it's Dharma.

you know, I was thinking and you're right.

You're his mother and you deserve
to know where he is.

Do you have a pen?

Gregory!

Open the door, dear.

who are you?

It's none of your business

It so happens that Greg is
a very good friend of mine,

so I'm making it my business.

I am his mother.

Oh, I heard about you.

let me ask you a question Mammy.

Can a woman wear white to a wedding

if she wasn't a virgin
when she still had a penis?

Gregory, open the door dear.

♪ All the chains are gone away ♪
♪ duda duda ♪

♪ Drink Martinis naked day ♪