03x10 - Thanksgiving Until It Hurts

[bunniefuu]

So what do you want to do
for Thanksgiving this year?

Well, we can invite everybody over here.

Or we can peel off our skin
and jump into the great salt lake.

Interesting.

Or we could drill holes in our head
and fill our skulls with hungry weasels...

Boy, that's a toughie.

I love the great salt lake,
but that's travelling on a holiday.

OK.

You round up the drill,
I'll get the weasels.

What are you doing?

I always thought this
place should have bells up there.

Montgomery table for two.

Actually, it's a Montgomery table for six.

Six? Why would we be six?

Cause I invited our folks to join us.

No really, why six?

If we're not gonna have
a big family Thanksgiving.

I thought we should break the news
to them in a public place.

So there won't be a loud ugly scene.

Dharma, you...

You planned this whole thing
and sprung it on me? I don't believe it.

See how quietly you don't believe it.
Works pretty good.

That's not the point.

It is the point.

-All right, let's see your point.
-Good.

Hey, listen.
As long as we're here...

You know that picture
I kind of took of you in the shower?

-I kind of accidentally left it at Jane's.
-Dharma!

Then she...
kind of put it on the internet.

Anything else?

You've got mail.

So, the problem is that I cannot get
my orchids to bloom.

I'd be happy to bring over
a couple of old grow lights.

See if we can't get you back in business.

Is that would help?

Trust Larry,
he can grow anything, anywhere.

Well, I would really
appreciate that Larry.

Never figured you for the outdoors'
green thumb type Finkelstein.

No, it's strictly indoors.

You don't want your orchids grow
in some place where they can be spotted...

by helicopters.

Can I have everyone's attention, please.

No, I just meant this table right here,
but thank you, I appreciate that.

I gathered you all here tonight,
so we could talk about Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving.

I remember one time in Vietnam...

me and a bunch of the fellas had
a hell of a Thanksgiving dinner.

It wasn't turkey,
but we agreed that it was meat...

and we were very grateful for it.

That's a a great story dad, but I think
Dharma wanted to say something.

Sure.

Chewy, but tasty.

Well...

Greg and I had a very long talk.

And we decided that
after last year's incident...

we thought it might be,
what was that word you used honey?

-Prudent
-Yeah.

Prudent, it might be prudent...

if this year we
had separate Thanksgivings.

We're not gonna be together?

In spirit, but physically...

we'll be as far apart from each other
as we can possibly get.

Dharma and I are going to be...

serving meals at a senior citizen center.

I thought last Thanksgiving
went fairly well.

I had a really good time.

Larry, does this remind you of anything?

Sorry.

But Dharma, we're your tribe.

We should celebrate
by taking a meal together.

I don't see what the problem
is we're all getting along together now.

Yeah we're copacetic.

Fine, why don't we just say
that this is our Thanksgiving dinner.

Right here right now.

-Happy Thanksgiving.
-Happy Thanksgiving everybody.

Lord knows we have done
our part to make the holidays pleasant.

Are you saying we don't?

You came to last Thanksgiving
dressed as Indians.

We came as native Americans.
Indians are from India.

Those are Indians.
We're talking about engines.

You will believe it
when he picks up the check.

I volunteered to pick up this check,
but forget it now.

I suppose that makes you
a native American giver right?

The European settlers were
the real Indian givers.

OK, let me ask Greg,
and I'll call you right back.

OK, bye.

Ask me what?

Jane invited us to drop by on Thanksgiving
and watch a little football.

What about the senior center?

We don't have to be there till one...

so we could drop in
and watch a little football...

and leave when Pete draws that face
on his belly and does whistling Norman.

Hi.

Guess what I brought you?

I'm gonna have to go with a pumpkin.

It's my pumpkin, pumpkin.

Thank you Abby.

Great, look she brought pumpkin Ralph.

I was right it's a pumpkin.

Greg, when I was little...

I ate a handful of raw pumpkin
and I puked it up in the backyard...

And from that vomit
a beautiful vine arose...

And every year...

we harvest the pumpkin, we make a pie,
and save the seeds for spring planting.

This little fella is a direct descendant
of the pumpkin I threw up when I was four.

I wrote a children's book based on it...

but the publisher didn't like
some of the illustrations.

Were they the ones the little girl
barfing in the garden?

They didn't say,
they just sent me a form letter.

Dharma anyway...

since this is the first Thanksgiving
that we're not gonna spend together...

I wanted you to have pumpkin Ralph.

Thanks Ab.

If you make a pie save a piece for me.

You can have my piece.

Well, okay have a good Thanksgiving.

I'll see you. No.

After...

Abby, hold on.

Why don't we swing by your parents house
on the way to the senior centre.

I thought we had a plan?

I know but we can stop for a slice
of vomit pie and everybody will be happy.

Are you sure? What's the harm?

You are so wonderful.

Tell you what Abby...

I'll make a pie I'll bring it
by Thursday afternoon.

Dharma, thank you, I'm so happy.

So am I.

-Good, I'll see you then.
-OK.

Remember to save the seeds
for spring planting.

You got it.

-Your corn is looking great.
-Excellent.

You should see that children's book.

Hey Celia, is my dad ready?

He'll be right down.

Listen!

Before you leave for the golf.

I want to thank you and Mrs Dharma
for cancelling Thanksgiving.

I don't think I can go through
another one.

I know how you feel.

I don't think you do.

My HMO says I have
a post-traumatic stress disorder.

Sorry.

Anyway...

I am making this big
Thanksgiving dinner for my mother.

It's her first trip to America.

And I was wondering if maybe you
and Mrs Dharma can stop by.

I don't know we've...

already made plans.

That's a shame.

I have been telling her about you
ever since you were a little boy.

I'm sorry, I wish we could.

You are like a grandson to her.

She has your picture in her kitchen.

Well, I suppose
we could find a few minutes to stop by.

-Wonderful.
-It might be late.

That's OK.

See you on Thanksgiving.

Hang on...

you're going to Celia's for Thanksgiving?

We're going to drop in for a few minutes.

Your mother's gonna be furious when
she finds out you're...

spending Thanksgiving with
the maid's family and not your own.

How's she gonna find out.

Oh she'll get it out of me.

I'll have a few drinks,
she'll ask scalpers golf and I'll say...

Greg's eating turkey at the maids.

So,
I told my dad we'd stop by for a drink.

I didn't see any way out of it.

Ok, we can figure this out.

We have to go to Pete and Jane's.

We'll go to Pete and Jane's first...

knock back some cold ones
a little football, we're out the door.

What about your mother?

So then, we run back up here
get little Ralph pie out of the oven...

drive over to Abby's and Larry's, hey
here's dessert, nice to see you gotta go.

So far so good.

Then we go over to the senior centre...

where we feed people
who are truly thankful...

and then for studying contrast we
zip over to your folks for a little turky.

My mother takes a
cheap sh*t you laugh it off.

We're back in the
car and we're over to Cecilia's.

-Hola! Como esta?
-Gracias Adios!

Then we are
back here faster than you can say...

why don't we just have
the Thanksgiving dinner...

with everybody in the first place.

Sounds like a plan to me.

Good, because It's the only one we've got.

-Morning.
-Good morning.

Smells good, what you cooking?

Sweet potato pancakes, turkey sausage
and cranberry muffins.

Happy Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving.

Why'd you make such a big breakfast?

As I see it this might be our
last chance to eat today.

How do you figure?

We'll be lucky to get cheese doodles
at Pete and Jane's.

And then we go to Abby and Larry's for
a little vomit pie in pilgrim bashing.

And at the shelter working and then...

Kitty at Edwards for drinks
and Dharma bashing.

And then Celia is for coffee
and kitty bashing and that's Thanksgiving.

You know what you're right load me up.

You will thank me.

Hey, happy Thanksgiving.

Hey guys, come on in.

Couple brew skies for the new skis.

Hey Greg look, cheese doodles.

Now don't fill up on hors d'oeuvres,
we got real food this year.

That's okay we had
a big breakfast, we're fine.

You sure you don't want to reconsider.

What's all this?

Do you remember that mob case
we were prosecuting?

The whole Rico thing...

where they're laundering money
through a chain of restaurants?

Yeah, I remember, Open and shut case.

You see everybody
says that and I don't appreciate it.

Pete, you lost that case.

Not on purpose, honest to god.

Anyway, Thanksgiving dinner is courtesy
uncle tony's family-style restaurants.

Oh wow this is incredible it's so moist.

I tented it.

Oh wow incredible.

Just a little something from uncle Tony.

Our family's got a lot to be thankful for.

I swear I tried
as hard as I could to get conviction.

I'm sure you did Petey.

We love this guy.

That was the best meal
I've ever had in my entire life.

Did you try the sausage stuffing?

Are you kidding? I was pulling it
out of the bird with my hands.

I asked the guy for the recipe but he said
if he told me he'd have to whack me.

So did you get it.

Look at the time. We have to grab the pie
and get to your parents.

You're right we gotta go.

-Want me to help you up?
-please.

Hey guys, we brought pumpkin Ralph.

What's wrong?

Oh Dharma!

No Abby that is not true.

What's wrong with Abby?

She's very upset and she's crying.

She thinks it's her fault
that we cancel Thanksgiving dinner.

Because you're a miniature veterinarian.

Militant Vegetarian.

Oh Abby, Why?

For you and Greg.

What is going on?

We're having real turkey not tofu.

And it's sad.

Greg, apparently Abby bought a live turkey
got it drunk and k*lled it herself...

so that you and I could have
a traditional Thanksgiving dinner.

Why did she get it drunk?

To feel no pain.

We gave him a choice of painkillers,
he picked brandy.

Well, honey. It looks like
you and I are going to have...

a traditional Thanksgiving dinner.

Honey, I'm stuffed.

Fine, you tell her,
you don't wanna eat it.

I'm sorry.

If you'd
had children you would understand.

Oh god I bet you had children.

Oh boy it sure looks good.

Thank you Abby we're starving.

We also have spinach and
beans and sweet potatoes.

And next year they'll all be growing
in the backyard.

I can't even look at this turkey.

Try looking at the caned jams.

Oh sweet soap on a rope.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Dharma, did I ever thank you
for breakfast. Bite me fatso.

Sally!

Jim!

I'm sorry.

Oh look it's my children sally
and Jim come to visit me.

No I'm Dharma this is my husband Greg.

You see I told you they'd
come spend Thanksgiving with me.

Oh I think you're a little confused.

I've missed you so much.

Now how was the drive from Boston?

-I don't understand.
-Jim.

Our mother is very happy to see us.

Tell her how the drive from Boston was.

Long.

Look how skinny the two of you got.

You should have seen us this morning.

Are you come sitting eat with me?

Oh mum, we ate before we left Boston.

-We're full of chowder, mum.
-yeah and baked beans.

What kind of Thanksgiving dinner is that?

Now you get yourself some turkey...

and stuffing,
and some of the candied yams.

And come join your mama.

Dharma, I can't eat another bite.

You said my children
had just left me here to rot.

We'll be right there Ma.

Pilot in, Jim.
It's a long drive back to Boston.

Dharma.

What else?

I'm having trouble breathing.

Loosen your belt.

Why I took my pants off five miles ago.

Pass him back here,
maybe I can squeeze into it.

I doubt it.

We're here.

Greg, I don't think I can do this.

We're not gonna eat.
It's just one... little drink.

Put the top down, flip the car over.

That's the only way
you're getting me out of here.

My mother cooked.

In what universe does my mother cook.

How is the turkey?

Well done mother.

Very well done.

Thank you.

Well, nobody seems to be eating very much.

It just tastes
so good I hate to swallow it.

What possessed you to cook dinner?

Frankly, we have Dharma to thank for this.

What? Me? No. Why?

You pointed out that we have forgotten
the true meaning of Thanksgiving...

and I just thought to myself...

for once in his life my son should have...

a meal cooked entirely
by his very own mother.

And would you believe...

this is the first meal that I have cooked
by myself in years.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

Oh yeah.

Do you know what that is?

The kitchen timer.

Very handy.

This is so dry.

Here son,
let me get you a little something...

closer to the bone it's still frozen.

The soup's okay.

That's the mashed potatoes,
it's also your best bet.

I almost forgot the yams.

Then what the hell is this?

Celia, thank you so much for holding
dinner for us but I have to be honest...

we have already eaten so much today.

I just don't think we can eat
another bite, right Greg?

Delicious, everything's wonderful.

That's OK, we're just honoured.

That you're here helping us celebrate...

our first American Thanksgiving,
in real American style.

You think maybe it's us.