03x24 - Be My Baby

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Dharma & Greg". Aired: September 24, 1997 – April 30, 2002.
Free-spirited Dharma, a yoga instructor and dog trainer, meets and falls for polar opposite Greg, a Harvard-educated U.S. attorney.
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03x24 - Be My Baby

Post by bunniefuu »

You know what I love most
about wine tasting?

The free wine?

The spitting. Where else can you go
where they actually encourage spitting?

Spitsberg Pennsylvania.

Something tells me
you didn't spit as much as I did today.

That's because I'm a lady.

Wasn't that tour amazing?

I had no idea that the same grape was used
to make g*n, Shabbly and Puy fruit.

That's one big ass grape.

I was also surprised to learn
that a wine only contains...

% of the varietal to carry that name.

I wonder who regulates that.
Is it a government thing? Or a...

a vintners association, or a big
corduroy pancake and a...

Dharma, that alligator will snap
at you get back in the van.

That's why Cabernet Sauvignon
is more tannic than milo.

I know, you'd think it'd be
the other way around.


you definitely want to have kids, right?


You want to have kids?

Sure, but when when the time's right.


What brought that on?

I just met our baby.

What are you talking about?

Are you pregnant?

Not yet.

See that's why you're supposed
to spit the wine.


How are things going with you two?

Everything's fine.

Are you getting along all right?

We're very happy mother.

We just had sex in your driveway.

The point is we're doing fine
why do you ask mother?

No reason, I'm just making conversation.

Just tell her you're going
to stay married...

so she can go ahead
with the damn family portrait.



I have two years
of perfectly good photos...

of you and that Barbara woman
you were engaged to.

Now what am I supposed to do with those?

You can paste my face over hers.

I considered it but I'm afraid
your head's too big.

In any event, I booked a wonderful
photographer the th of next month.

I want everyone in pastels.



No, wait a minute. The 's no good.

Why not?

That's prime baby making time,
I'll be ripe as a brown banana.

Are you trying to have a baby?

Congratulations! How about that grandma?

Didn't you tell them?

No, I figured we'd wait till
the wrong time here at dinner.

This is quite a surprise, Gregory.

Well, you know...

the timing seems right...

we... been married almost three years.

We both love kids...

and now I'm working for myself
I have a more flexible schedule.

Aren't you gonna tell them
about my vision of the flying baby?


So we spent the afternoon in Napa.

She had quite a bit to drink.

I'm not much of a spitter.

Anyway... when we were driving home...

I had this beautiful visitation
from this happy soul...

just waiting to be born into our family.

Did you bring any of that wine back?

The point is, this seems like
the right time, for us to start a family.

Which is probably why that soul chose us.

Anyway, if you want to do
the photograph in the afternoon...

Greg and I can do a quick
wing dang doodle in the morning...

and then I can just keep my legs
up in the air on the drive over.

Ok, then pastels it is.

Introduction to numerology
has been moved from to .

They'll explain why when you get there.

Dharma, I'm gonna have
to go out and get more ice.

Why what's going on?

You schedule release your inner cave man
next to the women's self-defense class...

we're getting a lot of kick testicles up
on the second floor.

What was I thinking there?

Dharma, good.


Wait, wait don't say a word.

-No not yet.
-Yeah I know.

Well, this will help.

I whipped you up a couple
of fertility smoothies; His and Hers.

I drew little Fallopian tubes on yours,
not to mix them up.

Who's this little three-legged guy?

That's for you.

He's a Polynesian fertility god.

-Yeah, now I see.

I'll keep it on my side of the bed,
so it doesn't intimidate Greg.

Dharma, isn't it amazing
the way the universe works?

My field is going fallow
just as yours is being plowed.

Wait a minute.

What are you saying? Are you menopausal?

-I am a crone.
-My mother's a crone.

Abby, I'm so happy for you.

Ice, ice, ice.

Hey, I was over the courthouse I thought
I'd see if you wanted to get some lunch.

Yeah sure, just give me a minute.


-Can I ask you a personal question?

-You and Jane ever talked about kids?
-Oh yeah.

Jane wants to have kids someday.

Although I don't get the sense with me.

I heard about the flying baby.

Yeah, I think that's just Dharma's
subconscious maternal instincts...

coming out in a dream.

Yeah sure, sure you got to think that.

But you know, logically it's a good time.

You know, we've been married
almost three years...

my practice is starting to take off.

I mean, that's not...

to say that I'm...

not a little scared but...

that's natural, it's a big change for me.

Oh yeah I know what you mean.

-Hey buddy, can I ask you a favor?
-Sure, what do you need?

A job.

You quit?

Yeah, the boss came in today
and he quit me.

Did he say why?

Probably, I don't know.
I wasn't listening.

So what do you say?

You and me, partners?

It's tempting, it's just...

you know, it's a really...
it's a small office.

It's not like I'm going
to be there that much, right?

I think I need some time
to think about it.

What's to think about? I'm a stand-up guy,
bring a lot of class to your organization.

Of course you would.

Here, carry out my coat and act natural.

-Hi sweetie.


Not bad, what is it?

It's an herbal smoothie my mom made.

Yours improved sperm motility, and
mine adjust the alkalinity of my uterus.

But you'll drink it
just for the taste of it.

Are we still ovulating?

If I was a chicken,
you'd take me to a state fair.

Hey good news Abby entered menopause.


how about that?

We send a card, or a fruit basket?

Or a an empty fruit basket?

She doesn't want us to make
a big deal out of it.

We'll just have a little dinner...

burn the menstrual hut,
sing the menopause song.

Simple's always best.

Have you...

you talked to Jane today?

No. Why?

At Pete asked me for a job.

That'll be fun.
You two working together like old times.

I said no I'm not gonna hire him.

Why not?

Honey, Pete went
to law school in Barbados.

He flunked the bar exam eight times.

Once cause he was so hungover,
he threw up on it.

But he's your friend.

Can't you help him?
Can't you make him a better lawyer?

I couldn't make Pete a better lawyer
with parts from other lawyers.

-Hey, come on in.

Did Greg tell you what he did
to Pete today?

Jane, I'm really sorry about this.

How's Pete doing?

How do you think he's doing? He was fired,
he was humiliated by his best friend...

and then when he comes home I rip
him a new one for being such a loser.

Where is he now?

He was pretty upset so he went down to
the Indian casino to play pie gal poker.

Oh that's nice.

They let him back in the casino.

Anyway, do you think your husband could
get off his high horse long enough...

to write him a letter of
recommendation to Harper Levine?

They offered him a job?

Not yet, but Pete owes Harper
a lot of money...

I'm sure he'd like to see him employed.

-Greg would be happy too.
-No, Greg would not.

That firm throws
a lot of business my way...

and I'm not going to jeopardize
my relationship...

-Let's just talk about this alone.
-There's nothing to talk about.

I'll talk to him.

Thanks Dharma.

You're a good friend.

Dharma, I don't want to discuss this.

Greg, all she wants
is a letter of recommendation.

It could have a negative impact
on my practice...

and we can't afford that now that
we're trying to have a baby.

I know we're trying to have a baby, I'm
the one who saw the baby fly by the car.

I'm not writing that letter.

-You have to.
-No I don't.

Fine, be a jerk. come on now, let's go.

-Hello, we have to have sex.

-Oh, I can't wait.
-Right back at you.

-Hey Greg.

-Dharma's here?
-Yes, she's taking an ovulation test.

I'll never ovulate again.

Yeah, Dharma mentioned that.

Congratulations, now you can see
how the other half lives.

Are you saying I'm becoming a man?

No, no. I just meant...
Dharma, your mother's here.

I'm sorry Greg,
it's just all my friends said...

cronwood was a time
of wisdom and serenity.

What a boatload of woo-woo crap that is?

You know, my mother went to see a
terrific doctor who really helped her out.

Helped all of us out actually.

Are you saying menopause is a disease?


Dharma, did you hear me?

Greg, there's your fertility herbs...

I made them extra strong.
Get on it, I want to be a grandma.

-Is she gone?
-That's just not fair.

Come on Greg, I spent the whole day
with her. She threw a potato at me.

Here, she brought us another batch.

Good, cause the urine
stick says I'm good to go.

Oh you romantic fool.

Over the lips and through
the gums look out of them here it comes.

Dharma, that's getting old. Sorry.


I know this has gotten
a little mechanical...

but I just want you to know that
I think you are very sexy and...

there's no one else in the whole world
that I'd rather make love with.

Hey, you had me at your end stick.

Oh God, she's back.
I'm not here. No, it's your turn.

-Hi Dharma.
-Oh, thank god.

Did you write a letter of recommendation
for me to Harper Levine.

Yeah, Dharma talked me into it.

I just pointed out that he was
being a jerk he took it from there.

Well, thanks a lot.

Now they got two letters of
recommendation from Greg Montgomery.


You said you weren't doing it,
so I wrote one for you.

-You forged my signature?

And then your letter shows up.

How do you think that makes me look?

Are you...

trying to say that this is my fault?

You swore you weren't gonna help
me and then you go back on your word.

Your dishonesty has cost me a job.

It's the last time I asked
you for a recommendation.

Do you believe that guy?

-You should have written it right away.
-I shouldn't have written it at all.

You know what?

Let's talk about this later,
right now we have to have sex.

Sex now? Are you kidding?

Greg, we've got a baby waiting to be born.

-Let's get busy.
-I'm not in the mood for sex.

All right, but we're not done
with the Pete thing.

No no, it's drooping on the left.

Edward Montgomery,
do not crease those pants.

I want to sit down.

You should have thought of that
before you put your pants on.

-Is that the tie that I picked out for you?
-I think so.

Look at the flowers and tell me
if I would have picked out that tie.


-We're in here.

Now my daughter-in-law is a little gangly
so she's going to need some of your magic.

Oh dear God!

I told you she'd notice.

My tie goes with them.

You're orange.

Yeah a little.

See, we've been pounding back
my mom's fertility herbs...

and I think the last batch was
pretty heavy on the beta-carotene.

It's actually gotten a lot better. Yeah.

You should have seen us this morning...

we looked like
the last two Cheetos in the bag.

You were afraid she'd
show up in some kind of a wacky hat.

Hey, hope we're not late.
The pastel thing threw us for a loop.

All right now if everyone
can stand a smidge closer.

We're close enough let's get it over with.

Kitty, if Dharma misunderstood and
you don't want us in your family picture...

just say the word.

It's fine Larry.

It's not as if anybody's ever going to
see any of these photographs.

So it's more like conceptual art,
I can dig that.

I haven't heard anything
about my tie in a while.

-Abby, are you feeling OK?
-I'm fine.

Does she look pale to you?

Everybody looks pale to me.

Maybe you should sit down.

Here, take my seat.

No, that's not really necessary.

I didn't crease.

There, that's better.

Our two post menopausal crone
side by side.

Oh boy you're in for a joyride.

-Take the damn picture!
-OK, everybody smile!

I'm not menopausal...

I'm pregnant.

Abby, this is so wonderful.

The flying baby has landed,
I just had the wrong womb.


Now you're sure you're pregnant?

I saw a doctor this morning.

A real doctor?

I don't understand, aren't you excited?

It's a bit of a shock.

I mean we weren't even trying.

I should hope not.

You're as old as I am.


Yeah that's him all right.

Hi in there, remember me?
You flew by my car.

I just want you to know
I'm gonna be a great sister.

And I usually don't drink that much.

-Wow, I'm gonna have a baby.
-You're gonna have a baby, Abby.

Well, better you than me.

Wingtip loafer.

Penny loafer boot.

Cowboy boot.

Work boot.

Should we do something?

Hiking boot.

Hiking boot.

Ski boot.



-Larry, listen to me.

You're going to have a baby.

You're going to bring a new life
into the world, this is a great thing.


Fools ball.

Wiffle ball...


ford ball...

chrysler ball...

I saw a lot of this in the army.


when the guys would get the local girls
pregnant, they'd snap like dry twigs.

Dry twigs.

Dry rot.

Dry mouth.

Dry heaves.

Dry run.

Dry dock.

Dr spock.

Mr spock.

Captain Kirk.

Kirk douglas.

Douglas Fairbanks.

Baked Alaska.

You okay?

Yeah I guess.

I just thought we were gonna have a baby.

You know we can still have a baby.

What baby would we have?


Greg abby's having the baby.

I understand that but...

we could have a different baby.

Who's this baby you're talking about?

Let me start again, Dharma.

Do you want to have a baby?


Do you want to have one now?

I don't know.

, but if another baby flies by I'm ready.

Oh sure that...

that's a given.

But in the meantime...

it's nice being just us.

Yes it is.

I love you orange man.

I love you too.


You want to fool around?

No, not really.
Good, because I gotta take a rest.

Come here.

This is nice.

Yes it is.

OK, I'm rested, how about you?

The orange thing's kind of working for me.

Abby, that's wonderful.


OK, call me if you need anything.

All right, I love you too.

Okay bye.

-What'd the doctor say?
-Abby's doing great.

-How about your dad?
-Much better.

His color's coming back,
he's keeping food down...

-he recognized the mailman this morning.
-That's good.

Hey partner.

Do you mind if we take your car today?
Mine's got a boot on it.

He's my friend. He's your friend.

We'll take my car.

You boys have fun.

Hey buddy, I might have
to leave a little early today.

Why? What's going on?

So that's the way it's gonna be.

Have a nice day.
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