04x05 - Midwife Crisis

[bunniefuu]

I thought your mother was a vegetarian.

She is, but apparently the baby isn't...

and she doesn't
want to impose her beliefs.

I was just gonna butter it for you.

Everyone, I'd just like
to say thank you...

for making this
a wonderful thanksgiving dinner.

I speak for Dharma when I say that we're
very grateful that everyone was able to...

put their differences aside
and enjoy this event...

as a family.

-Right.
-Yes.

What butter you were talking about?
You're just making conversation.

I'm on it.

Edward, don't you think
this would be a good time...

to make our little announcement?

Is it a gravy or sweet potato?

Yes, Why don't I just do it?

Abby, Larry...

over the last few years
we've come to consider you...

for lack of a better word; Family.

And we would like to do something special
to help out with your new arrival.

What do you mean help out?

-Come along we'll show you.
-Now?

There's pie.

Voila! Abby, Larry, Enjoy!

You're giving us a van?

We won this in some charity raffle,
we have no use for the damn thing.

But you were the first people
we thought of, happy baby.

-Do you believe this?
-No.

I mean I told my parents to be
nice to your folks because of the baby.

-Boy! I'm good.
-Greg.

This is not good.

How is this not good?

So that's it?

We're too poor to get our own car?

We can't provide for our own child?

We need charity from
mommy and daddy w*r-bucks?

-Maybe that's how it's not good.
-Maybe.

If you ask me...

that was the best thanksgiving yet.

You're kidding, right?

No one's mad at us.

Yes, but we'd still be standing
in the garage, listening to them yell...

if your mother hadn't had
a sudden urge for chicken and waffles.

Probably.

Your father called my father
a pimp for the republican underbelly.

What is that?

I don't know.

But again...

nobody's mad at us.

I guess the smart thing to
do is just stay out of it, right?

Yeah that would be the smart thing.

-Ok, good night.
-Good night.

OK, here's the thing.

My parents have
a van that they do not want...

and that your parents desperately need.

That's pretty much what I came away with.

And...

if Larry could just get past his pride...

-he has a lot to gain here.
-No question.

-But that's not gonna happen right?
-Probably not.

-Ok, good night.
-Good night.

This is ridiculous.
There's got to be a way to make Larry...

understand that he's just cutting
off his nose to spite his face.

-Do you want to talk to him?
-Somebody has to.

Then we'll go over there tomorrow.

OK.

-Good night.
-Good night.

Hopefully they'll just be mad at you.

All right Larry, I will grant you that...

it is possible that my
father gave you the van...

to parade his vast wealth before you...

like a feudal lord
tossing table scraps to the peasants.

Thank you.

Isn't it also possible that he was
just trying to do a nice thing.

By what warp logic is giving someone
a brand new car is a nice thing?

-Greg?
-OK.

Come on Larry, regardless
of what you feel about my parents.

Wouldn't this be a great thing
for you, Abby and the baby?

Yes, and think about all the things that
it has that you don't have in the old van.

Power windows,
built-in baby seats, spare tire.

Turn signals.

It even reverse.

It even comes with a built-in TV and VCR.

TV? In a van?

Yeah, it's got a video game
and everything.

And this means a lot to your parents?

You'd be doing them a favor.

Come on...

let's go take another look
just you and me.

See you later.

Bye.

-You're doing a good thing.
-It's because I'm a giver Greg.

So, how are you feeling?

A little bloated actually.

-Did you have anything salty?
-No I don't think so.

Oh wait yeah.

This morning I had a bowl of salt.

Okay well listen.

I was thinking if I'm gonna be
a good midwife for you...

we should go over the birth plan again.

Well...

actually Dharma...

I have some really good news about that.

Yeah.

Do you remember when we went...

to the spiritual midwifery
seminar to hear Chloe Spencer Chung?

Oh yeah, she was amazing.

When did the virtual vag*na
come out in paperback?

Just this month she was signing
him at the adult and you know...

and I went and we got to talking.

-And it turns out that she was available.
-For what?

To be my midwife.

-Instead of me.
-No.

No.

With you you know the two of you together.

Well don't you think that's a little last
minute Abby you're doing a couple weeks.

Well honey she's the
best midwife in the country.

Look even Dr Art Ulene thinks so.

I'm sure we need her Abby.

I mean I'm your daughter, I've been
through your birth canal, I know the way.

I'd really like to do this.

All right. I know it's your birth and it's
gonna make you happy...

-Then let's do it.
-Great, great.

You know what?
If you're feeling bloated...

why don't you take a nice
long walk and get your circulation going.

Ok, that's a good idea.

Hey maybe we could walk up to
vitelli's grab a couple of meatball subs.

Are you sure? That's a very long hike.

Yeah you're right.

We should drive.

Controls are laid out nice...

everything right at your fingertips.

-How much longer is this going to take?
-I don't know.

Larry, do you want to drive it again?

No, thanks. I don't want to put any extra
mileage on it in case I wind up taking it.

That's it.

Good thinking Larry.

All right, Ed.

Let's talk turkey.

What's there to talk about?
Do you want the van or not?

-Yes.
-Great.

But I'm not just gonna take it.

-Why?
-Because if I take it he owns me.

I don't want to own you.

Good because Larry Finkelstein
is not for sale.

Good I think we're making progress here.

How about this how about I put a brick on
the gas pedal and point it toward the bay.

You were so close.

Here's what I'm prepared to do Ed.

I'll buy it from you.

Fine, how much you want to give me for it.

Oh no.

How much do you want to sell it for?

Ok, how about one dollar.

Sure. Then you get me with
the undercoating, and the floor mats...

and the extended warranty.

-I'm getting the brick.
-Dad.

I'm getting the brick.

Dharma.

I love your family very much.

But my father is going to bludgeon
your father to death with a brick...

and I'm gonna let him.

Listen to this crap.

Labor being hurt because our brain
doesn't know how to listen to our uterus.

So set aside some time each day...

to dialogue with your uterus,
your cervix, and yes...

your vag*na.

Is that the new harry potter book?

Chloe Spencer Chung,
Abby's bringing her into midwife with me.

-And that's not a good thing?
-Oh, please.

My mother just
wants to tell her friends that...

a hotsei totsei
author massaged her perineum.

Who could blame her?

I'll get it.

Hello!

Larry, Larry.

I told you I can't deal with this anymore.

You have to you'll have to
work it out with my father.

Larry I can't hear you you're breaking
up we're uh we're going through a tunnel.

Yes the whole apartment.

Greg you know that kind of
stuff freaks him out yes I do.

Now the first thing I do
with all my moms...

is make sure there's a
good detailed birth plan.

Will there be chanting?

Are we under water?

Are we doing anything festive
with a placenta.

well, actually...

Yes, Chloe, Dharma
and I worked out our birth plan.

Yeah there you go,
I think I got everything.

Very nice dear.

I'm sure there are
things in here we can use.

Anyway a lot of my older moms
have had success with a squat position.

Well, that's a possibility.
I could squat.

squat?

Maybe I thought we decided that you
were gonna bend over the big rubber ball.

She has a bad back.

Yes, I understand. That's no reason
to turn it into a circus act.

Now Abby let's say squatting...

and I'll find you some
stretching exercises for your back.

I think it's a little late for stretching.

This woman dropped a lamp chop
yesterday and had to lay down to eat it.

You know...

I think I'd like to squat.

Oh good for you dear.

Now let's discuss creating a conducive
atmosphere...

in that cold sterile hospital room.

Yeah um...

we actually have some ideas for that.

We're gonna bring in
a lot of house plants...

and throw pillows and here are choices for
aromatherapy sense.

Aromatherapy?

Lavender. No.

Sandalwood. My goodness, no.

-What is that word?
-Eucalyptus.

Are we expecting a little koala baby?

We're obviously
starting from square one here.

And I'm a little pressed
for time actually.

I've got to fly to LA.
I'm appearing on celebrity jeopardy.

-Wow.
-Yes.

Why don't we all regroup on Thursday
night, and we'll straighten it all out.

I can't I teach a yoga class
Thursday nights.

I'm sure your students
need you much more than we do so...

why don't I just meet up with mom alone?

Tata.

Tata.

Tata.

-Unbelievable.
-Yeah I know.

Chloe Spencer Chung is gonna
check the dilation of my cervix.

You're living the dream.

Abby are you sure you don't want
to do some stretching exercises...

before you get into bed? No.

Ok, I remember from Chloe's book it says
you should stretch before you lie down.

Why not let mom decide...

-and not rely on what you read in a book.
- It's your...

okay.

Abby, how about I put some music on?
Do you want whale sounds, or Janice Ian?

Dharma, there's a cassette in my bag...

marked early labor.
Why don't we put that on.

Why don't we
let mom decide what she'd like to hear?

I don't think we want
to bother her now, do we?

But you just... OK.

Hey, how's it going?

What are you asking me for? I'm just
here to crush the ice, change the music...

and keep this stupid smile on my face.

Hey Abby how's it going?

Don't ask mama how it's going because that
might seem like we're rushing her, right?

Sorry.

It's all right. We don't have to say we're
sorry when we're learning.

Hey larry. How's it going?

Great, your father and I agreed that I buy
the van from him for fair market value.

So I dropped off
a money order in his mailbox...

and drove away in my
brand new van. Check it out.

Unlocked.

Locked.

Unlocked.

You want to try it.

Abby, you want to try it?
It might take your mind off things.

Locked.

Abby, maybe this would be
a good time to cleanse your aura.

You know, Dharma's really good at that.

All right, suppose we can
let her have a go at it.

Thank you. Abby, just close
your eyes, and relax.

Dharma, we're pushing
the bad energy down.

-Let's lift the energy up like that.
-That's what I'm doing.

No, you were doing like that.

No I'm going like this.

Honey I think you were going...

whatever. Chloe can I talk to you
for a second.

-Should I keep going here?
-Yes.

Listen! I have been cleansing my
mother's aura since I was six years old.

Don't worry I don't think you've done any
permanent damage.

Okay listen...

we have been
planning this birth for months...

Now Abby is throwing away
everything she wanted...

because she's a little star struck by you.

-No, I don't think so.
-That wasn't a compliment.

Anyway here's the deal...

I'm gonna help Abby
get back to the original plan...

and if you'd like,
you can stick around and help.

I understand.

Big sisters got a lot of confusing
emotions with a new babies...

I'm not confused.

I just don't like what's going on here,
and I don't like you.

You're a passive-aggressive
new age squatting burst bully.

That's great.

-Let it all out.
-Wonderful.

Daddy...

I think mommy could do with some
belly massage.

No, actually Larry, I think she needs some
cold compress.

but we're done with the feet, right?

Let's try deep breaths now.

she can't d deep breaths,
she's having ice chips.

Finkelstein.

-What the hell is this?
-$ , fair market value.

How did you come up with $ ?

Ed, how much can the thing be worth?
You were gonna give it away.

Hello Abby.

The contractions are two minutes apart.

They're three minutes.

Two minutes, I timed them.

You're supposed to time them
from the start of the contract.

I did.

see.

now you stopped.

no you have to wait
for the little line to jump.

hang on Abby.

See there, do you see that?

That is the labour.

Hey Abby, how you doing?

OK.

Call, howl if you need me?

All right Ed...

there's no way I'm paying you
thirty thousand dollars, for a used car.

But you're the only one who used it.

All right, how much did you pay for...

I want you to know that
I heard and respect you.

Yes, and I want you to know...

that I heard and respect you
because my mother who chose...

I bought you some extra and de-cafe.

You are out of your mind.

Maybe I'm out of my mind but you...

Somebody need meditation.

Please!

Edward Hello!
You left me waiting in the car.

I forget the stirs, I'll be back.

Abby dear,
do you need something to ease the pain?

Oh god yes.

We need an anesthesiologist in here.

She doesn't need dr*gs,
breathe Abby breathe.

Focus Abby focus.

I want dr*gs.

I'm on it.

Wait a minute where
the hell are you going?

Nice going, now she wants dr*gs.

How are we doing in here?
This woman needs an epidural right now.

-Who are you?
-She's the Midwife.

You heard me I want her.

Finkelstein! Where do you think
you're going with my van?

Your van my van what's the difference?
You heard Abby, she needs dr*gs.

From the hospital.

Oh yeah.

The hospital...

right sure.

I love that sound.

You're doing great honey keep pushing.

Sounds like the baby's coming.

Yep I think you're right.

This is really wild check it out kitty.

No no someone needs to stay with...

Abby's face.

You know Chloe...

it got kind of crazy in there,
and maybe some things got...

and said that shouldn't have.

-Apology accepted.
-OK, thanks.

And?

And you mustn't be too hard
on yourself you meant well.

Dharma, your mother would
like you to come back in.

What do you know, I'm back in.

With the understanding that
you stand quietly and just watch.

I'm still back in.

Okay let me see if I understand your
counter offer a month at interest.

And he gets I'm an idiot
tattooed on his forehead.

That could be a deal breaker.

-I'm not bending on that one.
-OK, I'll run it by.

-I have a son.
-I have a brother.

I help deliver a baby.

In heels.

No dear, the universe delivers
the baby we just sign for it.

I'm sorry. Were you here?

This is such a miracle.

Thank you everybody for
being here and helping out.

Look at his little hand.

I'm so proud of you Abby.

Me too.

Hi little baby man.

He seems preoccupied with the kid
maybe we can finalize this van thing.

I don't know dad.

Just a thought.

-You are such a cute guy.
-Welcome to the world.