04x19 - Kitty Dearest

[bunniefuu]

I don't know
how I let her talk me into this.

Come on,
like every guy doesn't secretly...

dream of being
in a mother-son fashion show.

You're not helping.

I'm not trying to.

Gregory, look at you!

You look darling.

What do you think Dharma?

I think you should open
with love will keep us together...

and save muskrat love for the encore.

Please.

You know you don't have to stay.
Like I'd miss this.

All right everyone, it's time.
Line up, line up.

Here we go.
You know your places.

Don't worry honey, one day
we'll look back on this and I'll laugh.

Gregory, put your hat on.

Mother...

do you notice anything
about the other participants?

Yes, I don't think any of them put the
thought into their outfits, that we did.

Put your hat back up.

Hey mister...

I got a Sony PlayStation for doing this.
What did you get?

.

Thank you Carol Weston and little Jacob.

Ahoy!

Here comes Kitty Montgomery
and her son Gregory.

I'm sorry.

I can't do this.

They have announced us now,
put your hat back on.

Goodbye mother,
have a wonderful luncheon.

Gregory, what are you doing?
You are embarrassing me.

I'm embarrassing you?!

Did you know
that this thing was for little kids?

It was open to sons of all ages.

I'm sorry mother...

but you don't take other people's feelings
into consideration...

when you do these things.

What are you talking about?
I let you pick the cruiser wear theme.

Guys, what's going on?

Gregory has developed some stage fright.

You should have seen Nicholas Yoder,
he threw up in his pith helmet.

I do not have stage fright.

I just don't like being afloat
in my mother's look at me parade.

Gregory, this has nothing to do with me,
this is about charity.

None of these things are about charity.

They are excuses for idol rich
women to show off their new clothes.

Gregory these charity events
are my life's work.

And isn't that a shame, mother?

You guys missed it,
the Yoda kid forgot, put his hat back on.

Hey Mr mad.

Want to do something
you haven't done in a while?

Sure.

Call your mother.

-No.
-It's been a week, Greg.

-You can't just never speak to her again.
-Sure, people do it all the time.

My cousin Frank hasn't talked
to his mother in years.

Is that the cousin who boils
his house keys every night.

It's not because he stopped talking
to his mother...

it's because he didn't stop soon enough.

You and Kitty are just starting
to deal with stuff.

-You guys need to talk.
-Dherma...

I'm handling this the way that
I want to handle it.

Come on Greg, you're being silly.

Fine.

You want me to call my mother?

Do you want me to tell her that...

her narcissism destroyed any hope I had
of being a normal functioning human being?

That I survived my childhood
despite her not because of her.

That I used to pray that my
father would run off with his secretary...

who used to give me
butterscotch candies...

and if they'd take me with them
and that we'd live happily ever after.

Should I tell her that?

All right, you know what honey...

you're gonna handle this the way you
ever wanna handle it.

I should respect that.

Thank you.

Yikes.

Hey you, come over here.

Hi Dharma.

You know I had to rearrange
my plans to be here.

What's so important we couldn't
talk about it on the phone?

Because it's something you have to see.

What?

Look at these baby pictures of Greg,
isn't it cute?

You said this wasn't about Gregory.

Had you, otherwise
you wouldn't have shown up.

And look here's the two of you
in his high school graduation.

You got a bad case of red eye there but
the make-up helped with that.

Dharma, I know you think
you are helping...

but Gregory and I will handle
this matter in our own way.

Do you have a plan?

When he is ready to apologize
I might be ready to listen.

Is there a plan B?

Yes.

We stop talking about it
and we order lunch.

-Hi Dharma.
-Hi David.

You get you working days now?
Yeah they let me switch.

Because I'm doing my play again.
Good for you.

Is your mother gonna come see it?

She hasn't missed one yet.
Awesome.

Isn't that the way it should be,
mother and son?

Just kind of warms up those heart cockles.

Hello I'm David.

Hi David, Kitty Montgomery.
Pleased to meet you.

Pleased to meet you. May I just say
that that is an absolutely beautiful suit.

Thank you.

Is it Pierre Legro?

Yes it is.

-You have a very good eye.
-Well, I love his vent stuff.

You know he's having
a trunk show tomorrow.

He's not.
He is.

My invitation only but I actually
may be able to sneak you in.

I would love that.

Kitty, isn't that something
Greg might like to go to?

-No it isn't.
-No it isn't.

-Who's the little graduate there?
-That's her son, her only son.

Really? I don't believe that.

You don't look old enough to have
a son graduating from high school.

David, why don't you join us?

I would but I've seen the kitchen.

-Hi.
-Hello.

Dharma's not here.

We're not here see Dharma,
we're here to see you.

Dharma told us you had
a falling out with your Mum.

Because you showed up
at some deal wearing the same outfit.

It's not exactly what happened,
more or less.

Greg, come here.

Sit down a minute.

Greg the maternal force is an
essential part of a person's well-being.

That force doesn't literally
have to come from one's mother.

The earth can be a mother.

A sister can be a mother.

A father could be a mother.

When there's two fathers certainly
one of them is the mother, or...

or both.

Sorry, I just can't do this right now.

All we're here to say Greg...

is that while you have this void in
your life Larry and I are here for you...

as a mother.

A father...

a mother and a father.

Two mothers.

But the important thing to remember
is you only have one mother.

And you owe
it to yourself to make peace with her.

Make her your friend.
Absolutely.

And it might take some doing.

I mean my mum has never been
overly fond of Abby...

but once I realized it was pointless
to defend Abby...

and we were friends again.

What do you mean
it was pointless to defend Abby?

I'm just telling Greg it's
easy to go along with her.

Like if his mom said...

Dharma looks ridiculous wearing those
hippie outfits at her age.

Instead of fighting with her...

he could say, "sure ma, you're right".

Argument's over, everybody's happy.

Your mother thinks I look ridiculous?

Who told you that?

Anybody wants coffee?
No, thank you Greg.

You only speak to this woman
two times a year...

and you can't even defend me
just a little bit?

What are you talking about?
My mother loves you.

Yeah but she thinks I look ridiculous.

Where do you get this stuff?

She'd rather I look
like her in lilac running suits.

When you talk like that
you start to sound like her.

Don't even go there,
Myron Lawrence Finkelstein.

I'm not the bad guy here,
I'm the peacemaker.

You know Ronald Reagan called
his missiles peacemakers.

Probably my mother's is Ronald Reagan.

-Hey Dharma.
-Ed, what are you doing here?

You told Kitty you had an extra ticket to
the theatre...

and she figured it was some kind of
a ploy to put her and Greg together.

She thought that, huh?

Yeah, she's paranoid.

Anyway I didn't want you sitting
in the theatre by yourself.

Hey Dharma.

Pete, what are you doing here?

Greg figured the extra theatre ticket was
a trick to get him together with his Mum.

He did?

I've never seen the Lion King.

You've never seen the Lion King?

This thing's terrific.

And it's not just people in big costumes.

It's songs and dancing,
it's a major production.

Have a nice time.

So everyone's smarter than Dharma.

Hello son.
Good you made it.

You missed a heck of a play
the other night.

Pete told me.

I got your t-shirt.

Thanks.

So, this was fun?

You bet.

Dad, I'm glad that my little...

problem with mother
isn't gonna affect our relationship.

What goes on between you
and your mother is your business...

nothing comes between you and me.

-Thanks dad.
-Sure.

By the way I can only play nine,
she thinks I'm out buying shoes.

I understand.

And we should probably
get to it because I'm going...

to have to pick up a pair of
shoes on the way home.

Good thinking.

Actually that should take some time.

I have a very narrow foot.

I never noticed.

You know what...

I should probably get going now.

Let's do this again sometime.

Ok, I'm all dressed, going to your
mum's country club luncheon without you.

Have fun.

You know I could wait
an extra five minutes...

if you want to
throw on a jacket maybe some shoes.

I'm not going.

I'll be fine.

See you later.
Bye.

If you're hoping this is gonna make
your mom change

or be a better person or apologize to you,
it's not gonna happen.

I'm not hoping for anything.

Come on.
-Dharma, don't you get it.

My mother doesn't care about anybody's
feelings so long as she looks good.

Yeah, so get over it.

Why is it up to me?

Because you're younger, you can take it.
That is ridiculous.

No it isn't it is your job
to forgive your mother.

It was her job to forgive her mother...

and if we have kids
it'll be their job to forgive us.

And by us I mean you.

Hi ma.

I'm fine.

Yeah, the baby's great.

Yeah, Dharma's great.

Abby's great too.

I know you didn't ma.

I just
thought you should know that Abby's great.

She's been great since the day I met her.

It means just what I said.

Abby's great and I don't think you should
run it down the way you've been doing.

No, of course I don't like it
when she does that, nobody likes that

but I don't say anything about it
and neither should you.

I know you do mom but I can't bring
the baby to Florida without Abby.

Because she's breastfeeding.

No I don't think a year old woman
breastfeeding is ridiculous.

Unusual, sure.

Yeah, bissell my sugar.

-Hi.
-Hi, you look lovely dear.

-Thank you you too, Kitty.
-Thank you.

And Edward never lovelier.

You know I feel lovely.

Greg would have been here but um...

he's just a big stubborn ass
and I don't know where he gets it.

What's that supposed to mean?
Nothing.

So charity, what are we curing?
What are we eating?

It says melon balls on this thing.
I hope that's an appetizer, not a disease.

Edward!

Hey, look who's here?

Hi Dharma.
Are you working the party?

-No, David is joining us, hello dear.
-Hello dear.

Good, you've gone back
to Chanel number five.

You were right,
I don't know what I was thinking.

Too much?
Perfect.

Hello Edward.

David.

So what? You guys
have been hanging out together?

Every minute I can,
your mother-in-law is an amazing woman.

Stop.
Stop yourself it's true.

I can't keep up with her.
Just look at what she does.

She keeps a beautiful home,
she looks stunning.

Yes...

and somehow she managed to put together
this entire luncheon in just two weeks.

You tell me how she does it,
because I just don't know.

-I had a lot of help.
-I had a couple of notions.

Wonderful notions.
Stop.

No, you stop.

There's Vicki Biedermeier.

Remember, I told you about her son,
airline management.

You are not gonna be happy
until you fix me up, will you?

No, I will not.

There's no point in fighting.
Who's fighting?

Let's invite her son to your play.

Let's get a picture first.

Wow!

Yeah.

She has a fight with Greg and then
she just goes out and replaces him?

In kitty's defense...

we've been through a dozen gardeners
and this is only our second son.

Please tell me this isn't gonna be like...

the last performance art thing
you took me to.

You mean the audience?
You didn't like audience?

We were the only ones there.

The actors sat on the stage
for an hour and a half and watched us.

Clearly he didn't understand it.

And no, this is not like that.

David does all these characters,
the music and jokes, you'll love it.

Fine.

What is she doing here?

-Who?
-My mother.

She met David
at the restaurant they've become friendly.

Did you know she was gonna be here?

I don't know, I guess I might have known.
This is just great.

David is a friend of mine and I'm
not gonna change the way I live my life...

just because you're
having a problem with your mom.

Fine.
Fine.

Hi kitty and Ed.

Hello Dharma, Greg.

Hello Dharma.

Dad.

Once upon a time...

in a country club not so far away...

but certainly out of touch...

there were some ladies...

some ladies who launched.

Hello.

And welcome to our
annual charity fundraising talent show.

Please remember that all the performers
you will see here on stage tonight...

are just us gals from the country club.

So even though we may not be
rich in talent, thanks to our husbands...

we certainly are rich.

W-ho's he supposed to be?
-Not sure, but it's a beautiful outfit.

Tonight we will be raising money...

to provide small vacation loans
for the moderately wealthy.

We're all familiar with the tragedy
of single-parent homes.

But nobody talks about the tragedy...

of single homed parents.

Stop. Stop.

This guy's been
hanging out with my mother?

I know, what you're all thinking.
You're all thinking to yourself...

when this beautiful,
elegant, selfless woman...

will stop gabbing and start singing.

Well, right now.

Two... three... four.

I think he sounds a little like you.

Here's to the ladies...

who lunch.

Everybody laugh...

lounging in their caftans,
planning a brunch.

Thank you Dee-dee and Aple white.

Although between you and me
I thought that damn swan would never die.

Well we've had
ourselves a good time tonight.

But what's most important...

is that we raised
money for those less fortunate than us.

Which really when you come to think
about it it's pretty much everybody else.

Well thank you good night.

Oh stop.

This is the worst experience of my life.

It's opening night.

We'll come back another time
when he's got all the cakes worked out.

I'll go get the car.

-How are you doing?
-I'm all right.

In a way it was kind of flattering,
you were the star.

I was the joke.

Is that how people see me?

Not if they know you.

You're just saying that.

Mother there are some things
that you and I will never agree on.

Some of your causes I just...

I don't get.

Which ones?
-I don't know...

teaching tap dancing to homeless people.

Happy tap-tap?

I just, I don't get it, but my
point is I do know something about you.

That this David guy will never understand.

That you care about people and
that you work hard to make a difference.

Thank you.

I mean it, and I'm very sorry
for the things that I said.

Apology accepted.

I'm proud of you.

Stop.
Sorry.

You don't get the o-stop thing, do you?

I guess I don't.

Not important.

I think we should go...

backstage and congratulate David.

That's very big of your mother.

If he's going to do me,
he should do me right.

He's much too fidgety with his hands.

I'm not a hummingbird.
No you're not.

I'm very modest in my movements.
Yes, you are.

I'm actually a reserved person.
You'll get no argument from me.

Sorry I'm late. Come on, we better hurry.

Yeah I hate to miss the overture.

I hear the understudy
is going to be playing Simba.

No.

Give him a chance, this is the
guy we saw fill in for Warthog.

-We loved him.
-You're right, he was terrific.