04x21 - Pride and Prejudice

[bunniefuu]

Tiny people of Holland...

do not fear me.

Hand over your wooden shoes...

and none of you will be harmed.

- Dharma!
- Yeah, honey.

- I am above here.
- I'm sorry.

He needs it to be quiet
during golf and sex.

You know, to focus.

Yes!

He does that after sex too, yes!

It's a shame your parents
couldn't join us for Larry's birthday.

We thought this would be perfect for them,
Ed loves golf and Kitty loves travelling.

Maybe they can join us later.

We're going down to fisherman's wharf
for some fried clams, and foos-ball.

As much as my folks
love spending time with you...

they're less clams and foosball,
and more...

oysters and bridge.

We like bridge we love bridge.

Maybe we should play
with them sometime.

Sure, invite them over a little bridge,
some home-made wine...

maybe a dip in the hot tub.
Make an evening of it.

Sure, we'll give them a call.

- Look what you just did.
- Yeah.

I got an eight on that hole.

All right .

Tiny people of France...

do not fear me. Bring me
your fine wine and buttery sauces.

Come on.

Pride and Prejudice

you don't really think our parents
will play bridge together, do you?

Forget bridge, picture the four
of them in a hot tub together.

Thank you for that.

Hello.

Ray, how the hell are you?

What, you're kidding?

Where are you right now?

turn around the brick building
with the fire escape, that's us.

Hold on a second.

It's my old friend
Ray Palmer from law school.

He's on the corner.

Hey Ray, you hungry?
We got buzzard.

We're not really having buzzard.

Or we could be.

Come on up, we're in b.

My God! I haven't seen Ray in years.
He was such a cut up.

He used to do this great impression
of our torch professor.

I don't teach in your kitchen
Mr Montgomery, please don't eat my class.

Well, you'd have seen it from Ray.

I don't know, yours is pretty good.

Look, I should tell you,
Ray's a little person.

- What do you mean?
- He's little, he's a little person.

- Why do I need to know that?
- So you're not surprised.

Do you think I have a problem
with little people.

No.

Because I come from
a very culturally diverse background.

I was raised with people
of every race and creed and hype.

I know, I shouldn't have said anything.

When our commune
put on a west side story...

our Maria was Asian...

our Bernardo was native American...

and I played Tony.

I'm sure you were very good.

No offense honey, but
if there's anyone here who should...

be careful around people
who are different, I think it's you.

I'll try to be careful.

Mr Montgomery,
I don't lecture in your bed...

why are you sleeping in my class.

- Ray!
- Greg!

- Great to see you.
- You too.

This is my wife kate.

Hi Kate, nice to meet you.
This is my wife Dharma.

Come on in, can I hang up your coats?

Don't you think that's something the
Palmers would enjoy doing for themselves?

No, not really.

All right then, hang them up.
Just as a courtesy.

- Come, sit down.
- Yeah, have a seat.

So uh...

what brings you to town?

Kate's here for a dental convention...

and we're out walking around,
and I see the street sign,

and I said I think this
is where Greg lives.

This is great. I am so glad to see you.

We both are completely glad to see you.

Thank you.

- You're a dentist?
- Oral surgeon?

Really! Wow! That...

must present some challenges.

No, not really.

Give your patients enough nitrous...

they let you stand on their chest.

Honey, would you like to help me
open a bottle of wine for our guests.

OK.

He holds the bottle I pull,
It's something we do.

I'll be right back.

- She seems nice.
- Story is, his mother hates her.

That's the kind of things
I'm talking about.

- What?
- That must present some challenges.

The woman can't be four feet tall,
it's a legitimate question.

Honey...

it's heightist.

- Heightist?
- Heightist.

She made a joke about it,
he laughed.

That's a coping mechanism
for an intolerant world.

No, it's not.

Don't feel bad that you're not sensitive
to these kind of things.

I had the advantage of being raised...

in a completely prejudice-free
multicultural environment.

- I know, you played Tony.
- I was a great Tony.

Listen Ray, if Kate's tied up
all week with her convention...

what about you and I go down
to the new stadium, and see the Giants.

Greg! Kitchen.

It's two o'clock, what are you doing up?

I couldn't sleep.

What's going on?

I just feel like I ruined
your whole night with your friends.

I wouldn't say ruined.

Come on, I made you apologize for asking
if Kate was short for Catherine.

That was odd.

Honey, I don't want to make
a big deal out of this, but...

you were trying so hard to treat
them like they're not different.

Is ignoring who they are...

in a way it might even be...

another form of prejudice.

Wow!

I never thought about it that way before.

I was prejudiced.
No, I didn't say that.

- You just said it.
- No.

What I meant to say was it's am
you're not prejudiced, come to bed.

- I think you know yourself.
- You think.

Can you at least call Ray and Kate,
and tell them I'm not crazy.

Better wait till the morning
it'll give me a little more credibility.

What was I supposed to say? The man
called and said do you play bridge.

I said, yes. He said how about Thursday?
I said, I'll have to check with kitty.

I said to you...

"Would you like to
play bridge on Thursday?"

you said that would be nice.

I assumed you meant with the Biedermeiers.

- I meant with the Finkelsteins.
- I know that now.

Stay on the ball with these things,

because now we have
to play bridge with the finkelstein.

There you are.

I hope you don't mind we let ourselves in.

Yes, was the door unlocked?

Not the front door.

But those french doors around back
by the garden work.

All right, you're here.

Let's do this.

We should warn you...

we were the berkeley sit-in
bridge champions for two weeks running.

It would have been longer
if we'd had gas masks.

Duly warned, shall we?

- Let's draw to see who deals.
- Wait!

First, let's cut to see who draws.

I'm going to need a drink.

Wait a second,
Kitty give me your hands.

Blessed mother earth...

we gather to celebrate one
of your most precious gifts; Chance.

And as we play this game of bridge...

let it be a bridge of friendship,
and of love.

- Amen!
- Amen!

From now on, I, and only I,
will answer the phone.

It's really nice of your friends
to give me a second chance.

Are you sure this is what
we want to be doing with them?

Absolutely.

You were right, ignoring their difference
is a form of prejudice.

We should be celebrating
their difference.

With miniature golf.

Exactly.

- Do you think they'll get it?
- Oh yeah.

- Hey guys.
- Hi! Tiny friends.

So you ready to play a tiny sport.

I'm sorry?

Ray, what do you say we let
the little woman putt first?

All right, another rubber
for us is points.

The final score for the night is
Finkelsteins: , Montgomerys: .

Wait!

- I'm sorry, .
- Thank you.

Maybe next time we shouldn't keep score.

I think this was pretty much
a one-time deal.

Let me get your coats
and ponchos and we'll see you in...

Thanksgiving.

Nonsense, Edward.

What about a little rematch?
What do you say to tomorrow night?

- Kitty, I don't know.
- Are you afraid your luck won't hold out.

No, I don't think we can get a babysitter.

- Then Ed and I will come to your place.
- We will?

Absolutely.

OK, I'll make a pot of tofu gumbo.

- That sounds lovely.
- It does?

Our place it is, hot tubs afterwards,
losers wash the winners backs.

- Well, we'll see you tomorrow then.
- We will?

Big gulps for the big people and
little gulps for the... where are they?

They left.

Why?

Kate said something about
not feeling well but...

But what?

Come on Dharma,

every word out of your mouth
was about how little they are.

I was just making a few jokes
to show that I was comfortable.

Tiny people of Egypt tiny...

I always do that
when I play miniature golf.

Ok, they're leaving town in a couple
of days. I'll talk to Ray, it'll be fine.

No, it won't be fine.
I got a problem honey.

I don't judge people by the content
of their character...

I judge them
by the length of their inseam.

Come on let's go home.

I wonder if there's
a support group I can join.

I wonder if there's
a support group I can join.

Hi, I'm wondering if you can
recommend a support group for me.

No, I'm not an alcoholic.

I'm sure you hear that a lot.

No, I have a problem with little people.

Do I see them when I'm drinking?

No, I'm talking about real little people.

I'm calling you because I need help.
I'm prejudiced.

Fine, how much would I have
to drink to come to one of your meetings?

- What are you doing?
- I'm seeking help.

I got a lot of years of twisted thinking
to undo and I gotta...

tear myself down to the very foundation,

examine the rotten wood that I'm made
out of and then build myself back up...

brick by brick by brick by brick.

Ok.

I was gonna ask you
if you wanted to have lunch...

but it sounds like
you've got a pretty full day.

- Bye.
- Bye.

It's a good thing you didn't agree
to strip Bridge...

cause right now you'd be butt
naked and that's your pinches.

Larry, don't gloat.

- Kitty and Edward are our guests.
- Sorry, you guys are doing great.

Thank you.

I'm afraid that's it for
the solar panels.

We should probably
switch over to the windmill.

Come on, I'm gonna need a boost.

What is the matter with you?

What? I'm not going to give him
a boost, I've got a bad back.

She bit hearts, I bid spades,
he bid hearts, you bid hearts?

How many hearts do you think
there are in the deck?

Here's one for you,
what's in this gumbo?

I do not want to lose
to these people anymore.

Then we'd better stop playing with them.

What are we gonna do, just give up?

They're good at bridge
we can afford store-bought electricity.

Well, I don't think there's enough wind
to heat the hot tub.

That's a shame.

Kitty was looking forward to it,
she's quite the hot tubber.

I'm sorry.

I don't know how much
longer the lights are gonna last either.

Maybe we should just call it a night.

Nonsense, you're the sort of people
who have brawls full of candles.

Light them up and let's play bridge.

Okay.

Do you have anything stronger than wine?

You mean to drink?

See, I have a problem with little people...

and I thought by working in
a small men's clothing store...

it might get me comfortable with them.

By spending some time in the culture,
acclimate myself.

And you want to do that here?

Yes, I think so.

Do you get real little people in
here? Because...

that guy's like . ,
and you're what, . ?

.

My problem is with guys like this.

I look at him and I don't see him
as a real person.

That's good, you know...

I think my partner might have hired
someone this morning.

I'm sorry to waste your time.

I get what's going on here.

You don't want to hire me because I'm
tall, you have a problem with tall people.

I'm gonna give you my number cause
I'm trying to start a support group...

for people with height issues,
and I think you'd fit in.

Howie, I need you down here
on the sales floor, please.

How tall's Howie?

Forget the pants,
I've got a problem.

Hey! Where's dad?
We're supposed to play golf.

I don't know darling,
would you come and sit here.

- Why?
- Just sit here.

Here you go.

Now, just take the cards...

and... look at them.

Thank you.

A mirror, mother?

That's been there for years.

- Please tell me you're not resorting...
- I don't know what you're talking about.

Mother!

I wouldn't have to do this if your father
would pay attention to the cards.

Is it possible that the Finkelsteins
are just better card players.

Nonsense, it's your father.

I love him but frankly,
as a bridge partner, he's deadwood.

There you are son, whose car do you
want to take?

Edward...

I do not want you to play golf,
I want you to take a nap.

- I don't want to take a nap.
- This is not up for discussion.

I want you to be shocked tonight for our
game with the Finkelstein.

I'm not tired.

Edward...

I warn you if we don't win tonight...

you can say goodbye
to your beloved calypso records.

You wouldn't dare.

Daylight come and me want a win Edward.

Well...

I have to take
a rain check on the golf son.

You will take a nap?

No, that wouldn't help.

I'm going to fix myself a rum and
coke, and say goodbye to Harry Belafonte.

- Hey, thanks for helping us out guys.
- Hey.

Sure, no problem.

We told Kitty our sitter was sick
but she sure likes her Bridge.

More than you know.

Sounds like somebody's having
a little trouble getting asleep.

- Would you give me a hand Dharma?
- Sure, I love Harry...

and he's only , inches tall.

Larry,

you enjoy playing bridge with my parents?

It's not much of a challenge.

To keep it interesting...

every time I take a break I try to
find a different bathroom in their house.

Check out these little soaps.

Downstairs powder room, master bath,

and this is from the one off of Ed's study.

Smell, it's bayberry.

Listen,

why don't you just let
my parents win tonight?

What? You mean take a dive.

Larry Finkelstein does not take a dive
nowhere, no how, for nobody.

Let me tell you a little story, Greg.

The temple where I took
my bat mitzvah classes...

was in an italian neighborhood.

I think you can see where this is going.

- Not really, no.
- All right, there was some teasing...

some yarmulke keep away.

Finally we told them we had enough.

We're gonna settle this thing once
and for all with a game of stickball.

On the day of the big game my
friend Benny says to me: "You know,

if we win, they're probably gonna k*ll us."

right then and there
we decided to take a dive...

and there was no shame in it, Greg.

Some of those guys were huge,

Tony Abruzzio started shaving
when he was nine.

So, what's your point?

I'm sorry I forgot the original question.

Will you take a dive
so this bridge thing will stop?

Sure no problem.

I don't know why we had to go
through that whole magilla to get there.

Larry, I want you to hear this.

Go ahead, Dharma.

I was just telling Aabby
that I've been struggling

with this prejudice that I have
toward little people.

And my instinct is to be
so careful about what I say

that I can barely talk around them.

Now, I've gotten to the point where
I don't even want to be around little people.

Oh Dharma, we don't call them little people

what do we call them?

- People.
- People.

You know, there's no little people,

there's no black people,
there's no yellow people,

there's no men,
there's no women, there's just life,

ever changing ever flowing.

When you think about it

as a random collection of
molecules and spiritual energy,

we're no different from
these sunflower seeds.

Or this table.

Wow! That is so true.

Ok, I think I'm starting to see
where this went south for me.

You know, the notion that south
is down is a euro-centric conceit.

There's another piece of the puzzle.

You know what, you guys want
to just go and have a great time.

Are you sure you don't want
to talk more about this?

No, I need to do some soul-searching.

Have fun, we'll take care of little harry.

Come on, he's little.

You see where she's getting this from.

It's not his fault,
it's the way he was raised.

All right, another game for us.

That's points.

points for our grand slam.

The grand total is,

Montgomery's points,
Finkelstein's points.

Daylight come and it's time you go home.

- We should go.
- It's been a nice evening, thanks.

It couldn't have been that nice, you lost.

Let's see ourselves.

- All right, bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.

Larry, that was very nice of you
to let them win.

Yeah, here's my thinking we come back
next week and we play for money.

I like it.

I shouldn't but I do.

Hi, I'm sorry. I should have
called first, but I didn't think

you'd want to talk to me
and I really need to talk to you.

What is it?

I just want to apologize
from the bottom of my heart

for offending you guys.

I was raised with this crazy theory
of how you treat other people

and I guess I was trying
to overcompensate and...

anyway I'm really sorry and
I understand why you left.

We didn't leave because of you.

Why did you leave?

Ray was flirting with that woman
in the foursome in front of us.

What?!

How do I say this?

Our marriage it's...

falling apart.

I just can't keep up the happy face.

Wow! I feel so much better.

I'm sorry to bother you,
thank you.

Did you want to talk
about this marriage thing?

Yeah, I guess I had that coming.