07x02 - Guilty as Charged

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up, why is Q playing a game of cat and mouse?

Say it right!

Why are Sal and Joe getting foiled?

Wrap her around.

And which losing Joker will be

a show-stopper in tonight's punishment?

Sal: Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ Laughter ]

Murr: I want my mommy!

[ Laughter ]

Sal: I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ Laughter ] Sal: Ay yi yi, papi.

[ Laughter ]

Today we're at Fairway Market

asking fellow customers to watch our backs.

We'll have to strike up a conversation with a shopper

and then ask then to alert us

if they see the security guard coming our way.

Here's the catch.

The bizarre phrase they need to shout to give us the heads up

is gonna be given to us by the other guys.

If they don't yell that ridiculous phrase, you lose

and security wins.

Oh, my God!

This is shrimp!

You see this?

Shrimp in the store? Yeah, that's crazy.

They got a whole cooler of shrimp!

Murray, you're not buying shrimp.

The crazy thing is, I'm actually not supposed

to be shopping here anymore.

My ex-girlfriend dates the security guard that's here.

Oh. All right. That's a good reason to stay away from him.

And whenever I come shopping here,

he threatened me a couple times.

'Cause he's dating my bae now, and she's my ex-bae

and I don't want to get involved with it.

Do me a favor. If you see the security guy coming around...

No, you got to signal me

so I know not to come out of that aisle.

Yell something out that'll --

She's coming up with her own words.

No. Yell like... "Mama got a donkey."

Mama got a donkey. Or something like that.

No, I know. Just for a minute.

I'm gonna run down and get some detergent.

I'll be right back.

Murr, stop getting shrimp and just go.

Yeah, go. Thank you so much.

I'm gonna get the detergent, guys. Okay.

Yell it a few times so I hear it in case he comes out.

Okay.

All right. Here comes security.

But the problem is, she's face first in that self-serve shrimp.

Here she goes!

[ Laughter ]

What the [bleep]

What?!

Mama got a donkey!

Mama got a donkey!

What are people doing with their life?

I'm robbing a bank with that lady.

[ Ding! ]

The shrimps...

I'm on the fence with the kind of shrimp.

I'm trying to get through quick.

I'm trying to figure out which one's the best for fra diavolo.

They do a good sale here.

I got to be careful.

"I got to be careful around here" he says, with no preamble.

The security guard. Here. I married his ex-girlfriend.

So he doesn't like seeing me around here.

But the deals here are great.

If you see the security guard, do me a favor.

Could you just yell... -"Fat-nosed Frankie."

Yell "Fat-nosed Frankie"

so I know that he's coming, and I'll walk away.

If you see him -- the security guard.

Blue security jacket.

Fat-nosed Frankie. My name's Joe.

So, Fat-nosed Frankie.

All right. I'll see you in a minute.

Q: Send him in quick. Murr: Quick, quick, quick!

Go get her, go get her! There he goes.

Oh, my God! Uh-oh!

Here we go!

Ohh! No good!

Ahh. She's coming your way! She's coming your way!

She's back. She's back!

You didn't see him?

No, no. I didn't see him. Like kind of -- in a jacket.

It's a security one. Fat-nosed Frankie.

Make sure you yell it loud.

Q: There he is! There he is!

Oh, it's Fat-nosed Frankie!

[ Laughter ]

Wow!

Put me in a headlock, put me in a headlock.

I told her she doesn't want to marry you.

She didn't want to marry you.

But the shrimp is on sale!

[ Ding! ]

Joe: There's Q. Here he goes.

What if I get the guy at the counter to do it?

He does not know that we're here.

I mean, go for it, bud.

You got them porgies? These are them porgies?

What's a porgy? It's a fish.

You know the security guy that works here?

Bald guy? About yay high?

Yeah?

If he knows I'm here buying porgies, he's gonna be pissed.

What was your name? Ray?

Yeah. I'm Brian.

Could you do me a favor? 'Cause here's what happened.

He's dating my ex, and he doesn't like

that sometimes me and my ex still talk to each other,

so he told me if he ever saw me in here again,

he was gonna toss me out.

I'm not allowed to come in here.

So, if you see him...

Just yell out "magical Mr. Mistoffelees."

Like a... From "Cats"?

You ever see... you ever see "Cats"?

Okay. Magical Mr. Mistoffelees. Like a code...

so I don't get my ass kicked.

Could you try the Mistoffelees?

Thank you, Ray.

You got him, Q. You got him.



Joe: Oop! There we go! Ray, do the right thing!

Come on, Ray. Ray's leaning forward.

He's trying to remember what to say.

He's doesn't remember the words.

Oh, no! He's coming out!

He's gonna go tell him. He's gonna go tell him.

He's gonna tell him! He's gonna tell him!

Q! Q, he's coming to tell you!

What's up?

What'd you say? What'd you say?

You got to say it. Magical Mr. Mistoffelees.

Quick, hurry up. Ray!

Say it! I thought I told you to get out of here.

Ray, say it. Ray, say it!

Say magical Mr. Mistoffelees! Say magical Mr. Mistoffelees!

Say it, Ray! Ray!

Joe: He just throws his hands up!

Wait!

He threw his hands up and just, "forget about it."

I think he said it. I think he said it!

Sal: That's a fail, bud.

Twisted my neck today.

How'd you pull your neck?

Sleeping, right?

That's how I usually pull it,

but this time, I think I looked down.

So many choices of the shrimp -- how do you know which one to...

They're all different brands,

but meanwhile, they're all just shrimp, right?

And then you got these.

Jumbo shrimp.

Then you have the smaller shrimp.

What are you, Bubba Gump?

Yeah, you got frozen shrimp,

and that's all I have to say about that.

I love shopping at this store, but I...

I got to stop shopping here

because the security guard is dating my ex-girlfriend now.

I'm gonna go grab some shrimp from over there.

If you see him, could you just...

let me know he's coming, all right?

Yell something out. I don't know.

Yell "ay yi yi, papi." Do me favor.

If you see him, just yell out ay yi yi, papi!

Ay yi yi, papi. He's not gonna win.

Ay yi yi, papi. Thanks, man.

I'm gonna be right over here if you see him.

All right, let's send in -- All right, send in the security guard!

I'll be right over here, man.

He's there. Q: Come on, come on, come on.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Oh!

Sal, he's waving. He's waving. Look!

He's got to say ay yi yi, papi!

If you see him, just yell out ay yi yi, papi!

I'll be right over here, man.

Joe: He's there. Q: Come on, come on, come on.

Oh!

Sal, he's waving. He's waving.

Look!

Murr: He's got to say ay yi yi papi!

He said it!

Oh. Thanks, man.

[ Ding! ]

Narrator: No one looked out for Q, so he got chased onto the loser board.

Ooh. It's something with UFOs.

But today we're at Focus Plus,

teaming up to give presentations on UFOs.

And of course, our presentations have been made

by the other team, and vice versa.

At the end, we'll ask if anyone learned anything of value.

The team with the fewest hands raised loses.

That was a dumb idea with the, "Ooh!"

Guess whose idea it was.

Hello. How are you? Hi.

We have a presentation named

"UFOS: Perspectives from the Scientific Community."

All right. Here we go.

Hello. I'm Dr. Roger O'Neill.

I have a PhD in Astrophysics at Columbia University.

I'm a professor of Science Communications at NYU.

And I'm a consultant to The New York Board of Museums.

And I'm Da--

[ Laughter ]

And I'm Dandy Chiggins.

None of your -- None of your...?

No, I'll just keep it simple and humble.

Uh, photographic evidence.

In order to properly determine if a UFO photo is real,

we must analyze the photo deeply.

[ Laughter ]

Flying saucer. Let's take a closer look.

The hand indicates that this is someone holding a plate.

Right? That's right, Chiggy.

Not a UFO.

Debunked.

[ Laughter ]

Here we have... Oh.

[ Laughter ]

Now, up here, what's that?

Could this be the real deal? Let's take a closer look.

[ Laughter ]

You can see the reflection in the water.

Joe: Look at Q! If this is doctored,

this person has gone through a ton of efforts to...

to... uh... Roger, what do you got?

Reflection in water. Photo unedited.

That's right.

Possible UFO.

Okay.

A Lifelong Obsession with Black Holes.

Now...

in college, I started my quest

to unlock the mysteries of the black hole.

I'd like awake at night fantasizing about black holes

and what it would feel like to enter one.

[ Laughter ]

Some ufologists believe that a black hole

is a portal into another dimension.

Is that other dimension Heaven?

Dandy, I believe it is. Oh, I know it is!

[ Laughter ]

An Interview with Accredited Scientist Pierre Jean Lumerre.

Man: Do you think aliens could exist on planet Earth?

Not in my book. What are you holding?

This is an alien armor.

That's our friend Jake, of course.

Dandy? I don't know the --

He's been pushing that theory for years.

Yeah.

Oh, R.I.P. Danny Chiggins.

The reason we say rest in peace, Dandy Chiggins...

Right. Because...

I worked for years with his father, Dandy Chiggins Sr.

So, his father passed on and... We should put the "Sr." on the end

because this makes it seem like I'm dead.

Or am I?

[ Laughter ]

No, it's definitely -- We were at your father's wake.

No, I understand, but I'm trying to make

a mysterious ending. Your father's definitely dead.

Go ahead, Q. One more.

You want to try it one more time?

Sure. We'll go from the beginning.

R.I.P. Dandy Chiggins.

That's my father, who has passed on.

I'm clearly alive.

Or am I?

Nailed it.

[ Laughter ]

Okay, please raise your hands

if you learned anything at all from this presentation today.

One. There you go.

We got a-one. We got a-one. Or did we?

[ Ding! ]

Hey, guys. How you doing?

We do a road show on this topic, about UFOs.

The Truth About U.F.O. Existence As We Know It.

Alien Life on Earth? Sal: Are you part alien?

Some people believe that they are the descendents of aliens

who visited our planet thousands of years ago.

We've developed a questionnaire to help you determine

whether or not you are part alien.

Question one...

Do you believe your tongue is special?

Q: Go right into two!

Two -- do you alter your speech pattern

when speaking with minorities? With minorities.

[ Laughter ]

Uh...

That's it.

[ Laughter ]

Alien Probes -- A Common Concern.

Many abductees claim to have had their rectum probed

during their time aboard an alien spacecraft.

There are products that can protect you

against a**l probing.

Plugs made specifically for the anus

are readily available in a variety of shapes and colors

for as little as $ . .

[ Laughter ]

Hit the next, Sal. One more. One more.

Joe: Use promo code "SAL" at the checkout.

[ Laughter ]

This assumes that every website

that sells these uses my promo code.

[ Laughter ]

Are You Prepared?

What would you do if you encountered an alien?

How would you handle yourself? What would you do?

Are you ready for the possibility of abduction?

Observe us...

Both: As we role-play an unhinged...

Travel-weary extraterrestrial

and his grossly overweight abductee.

So...

So, who's who, boys?

I'll j-- I guess I'll be the --

I guess I'll be the terrestrial, then?

Really? Yeah.

Would you see it that way? 'Cause I'm down .

As am I.

All right, let's poll the audience.

Who's grossly overweight, between the two of us?

Who would you cast as who?

Yeah, she said you, clearly.

She clearly just pointed at you.

Because they could vote a six, though.

Who jumps out to you as the grossly overweight one?

Raise your hand. She's still pointing directly at you.

Okay. Here we go.

Yeughhh. Oh, no, dude.

Come. I have alien food.

Yeughhh. You're grossly overweight.

Yeughhh. You should probably --

Keesh!

And then you'd pass out.

We Will Now Hand Out Free Anti-Alien Devices to Everyone.

Murr: Sal, in the corner there.

Pull out what's inside the basket.

[ Laughter ]

We Will Now Hand Out Free Anti-Alien Devices to Everyone.

Murr: Sal, in the corner there.

Pull out what's inside the basket.

[ Laughter ]

Just rip off sheets of tinfoil...

give it out to them. Also, put it on their heads.

And you guys need to put it on your heads, too.

Believe it or not, believe it or not,

the aluminum used --

It serves as a conduit blocker

for certain gamma rays that are used.

That's your anti-alien device.

Joe, show 'em what a hat looks like.

You're just gonna... wrap her around.

And then you're just gonna give her a nice squeeze up top.

There you go.

Murr: Look at Sal!

Look at this visual.

Joe: So, this is -- this is because --

this got passed down actually with the magic of tinfoil

in the beginning of when it was created.

People were like, "Wow. This could do anything,"

and this was common folklore that happened...

So this will help.

Murr: Hit next.

Joe: The End.

[ Laughter ]

By show of hands, who thinks that this presentation

is ready to take on the road?

One.

Two. Two. Two.

How did we lose this?

Great. All right.

Great. There you go.

Narrator: E.T. phone home -- Q's getting punished.

Q's our loser and we in da club!

It's not that type of club. Oh. Yeah. All right.

We're at the Knitting Factory in Brooklyn.

So for your punishment tonight, buddy,

just go up to the front of the establishment

and you work the front door tonight.

That's all you need to know. That's it? I'm a bouncer?

No, no, no, no. No, you're a front-door guy.

Get to the front door! Ahh.

Everybody tonight is coming to see Tight Fright.

They're a metal band here in Brooklyn.

Sal: All right, baby boy. You're at the front door.

You're collecting cover charges.

You got that fanny pack stacked with cashola.

Yep, the unofficial staff badge. You're all set.

How's it going, man? How are you?

Here we go! Good. Good.

We're collecting for the band tonight.

Uh. $ . All right. Thank you. Thanks.

So, what Q doesn't know is there's no cover tonight.

This is a free show. It's a free show.

We are collecting for the band tonight.

Thanks, brother. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Enjoy the show. Thanks very much.

The power of a damn lanyard.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

Wow. That's great.

Joe: That fanny pack's getting fat.

Oh. Thanks so much. Enjoy the show, sir.

Every single person is giving him money.

Oh. Cool. Thank you.

Well, that's a lot of money.

I never thought I was gonna say this,

but am I gonna get punished any time soon?

We're punishing you with boredom.

Sal: Yo, this place is jam packed.

All right, Q. You can come on back here.

Murr: Great job, bub. Excellent job.

Joe: There you go. Your shift's over.

We'll take the fanny pack.

You don't have to work the door anymore.

You did good, though. You got a lot of money.

Thanks. Now what? Go back into the club.

You'll know what to do when the time comes.

Am I singing? You might be.

Good luck, Tight Fright.

There he is.

I'll take a beer.

Joe: All right, get a beer. That's fine.

Settle in, buddy. Settle in.

Yeah. I am. All right. Hey, everybody.

Can I have your attention for one quick minute here,

real quick?

Murr: Here we go!

Tight Fright is gonna come out here in just a few minutes,

but I have a quick announcement that

it's been brought to my attention that somebody

was outside collecting money for the venue here.

No one here -- it's a free night.

There's no cover charge tonight,

so anybody that was collecting was not for the band.

We're really sorry.

But if you find that person, please...

Man: Let's get him! ...try to get your money back.

Man: It's been brought to my attention

that somebody was outside collecting money

for the venue here,

but no one here -- it's a free night.

There's no cover charge tonight,

so if you find that person, please...

Man # : Let's get him! ...try to get your money back.

[Bleep] you guys.

[ Crowd booing ]

The money's gone.

You are in the lion's den now!

The place is in an uproar right now.

I don't even have the fanny pack.

It's in the fanny pack, and the fanny pack is somewhere else.

No, it's cool.

Oh man, that's my beer, dude.

Oh my God, this is tense.

Well, I'm a big fan of the band.

Oh, my God. "Do you have a receipt?"

Do you have a receipt? Do you have a receipt?

Oh, my God!

Oh, no, I'm cool. I'm gonna watch the show.

Joe: It's getting a little hairy in there, buddy.

Don't worry. The bag of money's at the bar.

Yeah, I'm gonna go by the bar.

The thing's over there.

Ohh! Threw a beer can at him. He threw a beer can at him!

Oh, my God. It's only $ !

And let's not devolve into animals.

Oh, here we go.

[ Crowd booing ]

[ Laughter ]

A sack of quarters! Give people their money back!

Damn you guys. I'm covered in beer.

Count it out! Go through the crowd!

Go through the crowd and hand out quarters.

Guys, I got the money here.

Just put in here.

Here we go.

No one's questioning why the bag has a huge dollar sign on it.

They had $ . $ ? Oh! Oh, oh, oh!

[ Shouting ]

I got to give these people their money back!

You animals!

Oh, my God.

All right. I got $ .

All right. $ . All right. Hold on.

Sal: Look at the crowd around him! Look at this!

... You want to just round up on that one?

No. No, no, no. Okay. All right.

Nice try.

You're an ass[bleep] I'm an ass?

I gave you the money back!

I'm so sorry about this. -"Big misunderstanding.

I thought I was gonna get away with this."

It was a big misunderstanding.

I didn't think I was gonna get caught.

It's a big misunderstanding.

$ ...

$ . Yeah. Q, last thing you have to do --

Jump up on stage and ask everybody if you're all square.

Guys, we're all square, right? We're all square?

[ Crowd booing ]

You survived, buddy. You survived.

But you do look like a real ass[bleep]





Q just got rocked in tonight's punishment.

And now you get to take a look behind the music.

We nailed it!

Should we have a definitive moment,

where he comes in, stands over there or something,

then J. goes, "There he is. Finish him."

Casey: Do you know where this idea came about?

Yeah.

I think John Beluga and maybe Sal went to a club one night

and somebody did this.

Somebody pretended to be a bouncer, and there was no cover,

and the bartender just ran out to catch the guy.

The monetary amount does not matter.

It's completely about principle.

If it was $ , I would go up to that person.

I swear to you. Really?

That's why we like the idea.

This fanny pack's getting mighty full.

He's new. This is Jack. Hey, Jack.

I'm Joe. Good to see you. Is this his first day?

This is his first day. Oh. We should get to know him.

Yeah, have a seat.

Joe, you have the camera now? Yeah. I got it.

Well, you're gonna have to sign this release

so we can make sure we show your face.

All right. Cool. Okay, cool.

How long you been working a camera?

Five years? Yeah? Me too.

Geoff is the king.

No, Casey is the king at dancing.

No. I'm not. If anything, I'm the queen, or the rook.

You are the king. I just know to body work.

Whoa! He doesn't just do cameras, folks.

Man: James, you're on the end. Right here.

Usually they put an "F" for where I stand.

It's 'cause it stands for "forehand,

'cause I have the biggest forehand,

so they need me as far away from the lights as possible.

Is that true? That's true. It's my spot!

Fun! That says fun?

Yeah. Woman: Mics down. Mics down.

Q is our loser and we in da club!

Not that type of club. Oh. Yeah. All right.

Sal: So for your punishment tonight, buddy,

you're working the front door.

Well, do you think your punishment

is that you just stand outside?

No. I know it's not.

And the real pun begins.

Here we go! This is our buddy Big Jay Oakerson. Comedian.

It's been brought to my attention

that somebody was outside collecting money for the venue.

Try to get your money back.

[Bleep] you guys.

Man: I want my cash back.

You are in the lion's den now!

You're an ass[bleep]. I'm an ass?

I gave you the money back!

You're still an ass.

Did you get your money back?

I got it all back. Oh, in quarters.

Tons of quarters.

Would you say that you and that guy are square?

Yes. We're square.

Wow, huh? How do you feel now?

Covered in beer.

You couldn't see stuff.

People were like smacking my balls

and trying to trip me and stuff like that.

One guy put beer down my thing.

That's my beer. My beer. Hey!

How am I gonna drive home? I stink like beer.

Oh my God, if you get pulled over...

that's a dun dun dun dun. Maybe I can bribe them.

So that's all the time we have, everybody.

Thanks for watching "Impractical Insider."

I'm Casey Jost.

Crop Circles.

Where do they come from? Are they real?

Is some kind of alien visiting Earth,

or a space ship of some kind landing in corn fields?

Joe: He doesn't...[ Laughs

Who knows if these are real or fake.

Those look fake to me. They do?

I can never tell.

Thank you, Mr. Chiggins.