09x10 - The Prince and Me

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up, what's got
murr dreading the dead?

I would like to state
for the record

That I have a very real
fear of mummies.

[ laughter ]

Why is sal taking it queasy?

I did not vom
creamy chunks.

That was the actual necc,
new England clam chowder.

And which losing joker
will have his world

Turned upside down
in tonight's big punishment?

[ laughter ]

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ laughter ]

Murr: Like a boss!

[ laughter ]

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ laughter ]

Sal: I don't think
my pastor would approve.

Today, we're competing
head-to-head tournament-style

As participants in
a taste-testing focus group.

When the moderator asks for
our thoughts on each product,

All we have to do
is read our responses,

Which were written
by the other guys.

In the end, the moderator
will be asked in private

Which one of us should go on
to the next round of testing.

If they don't pick you,
you lose.

♪♪

Oh, hi.
Thanks for having us.

Joe: They're supposed to be
in a focus group

About a chocolate bar.

They have chocolate bar
focus groups?

Yes, they do.
They do.
How do I get into it?

How do I get it?

I'm james.

Sal.
Hey, sal.
I'm rick.

Rick.

Rick: I'm gonna ask you
these questions,

And let's go
from there.

So, sal wrote
all of murr's answers.

Mm-hmm.
Murr wrote all of sal's.

How did this product
make you feel?

I felt a strong
connection between us

When you watched me
enjoy that.

Okay.

Between the product
and me or...?

Between us.
Oh, nice.

And I think
that's what the bar does

Is it
brings people together.

Joe: Nice one.
Q: Wow.

And, sal?

I wrote, "to be honest,
I'm a little butt hurt."

Butt hurt?

[ laughter ]

It left me yearning
for a tongue like --

[ laughter ]
murray.

I'm honest,

So to be honest,
I'm a little butt hurt.

It left me yearning
for a tongue without scars.

[ laughter ]

What activities do you
see yourself enjoying

While using this product?

I wrote,
"I throw beef tips

At passing cars
from the overpass.

This would be nice to have
during lulls in traffic."

Q: Beef tips.

You throw beef tips?

"I used to throw steaks,
but..."

I to throw steaks,
but...

"...There was
a real bad pileup.

There was
a bad pileup.

[ laughter ]

What can we do
to separate this product

From the competitors?

I wrote,
"claim it cures lupus

And then
let it do so."

Does it claim
it cures lupus?

What I think would set it apart
from a competitor --

Oh,
you're saying --

Claim it does
and then let it, you know?

[ laughter ]

Is there anything
you want to add

To the conversation
about this product?

I would like to state
for the record

That I have
a very real fear of mummies.

[ laughter ]
explain that.

Mummies are terrifying.

[ laughter ]

Okay, okay.

[ laughs ]
the "okay."

I know a friend who has
an irrational fear of spiders.

Really?

Not spiders,
tarantulas.

Why he's such, like,
a big baby about it?

I have a friend just like that
with kittens and cats.

[ laughter ]

You're not
on the same side, sal.

It's not you and him
versus me.

For frame of reference,
name some products you enjoy.

Okay.
I like it

When the government
gives us good weather.

[ laughter ]

Alright.
How do they do that?

Heck if I know.
I'm not the government, rick.

Passing laws
to help with emissions?

"sure, sure."

Give us climate weather.

Sure.

[ laughter ]

Sal?

So for frame of reference,
name some products you enjoy.

Rick, I wrote,
"what do you mean?

I like shampoo, computers,
pens, and couches.

What the hell
do you mean?"

You know what I mean?
Okay.

Hey there, rick. I'm just
going to grab you for a minute.

Alright.
You guys can stay here.

Q: I think murray's got it.
Murray presented himself

As the type of guy
you want answering questions.
That's true.

Which of these two guys
would you say was better?

"they're both real bad."
[ laughs ]

You would pick
this one?

Which guy?
Uh-oh.

Joe:
Look how confused he is.

Sal.

He changed it to sal!
He changed it to sal!

He changed it to sal.

Are you kidding me?

[ laughter ]

Hello, hi.

Joe and q have written
the opinions for each other.

I'm brian,
by the way.

Hi, michelle.
I'm joe.

Flip them over,
boys.

First question is, how would
you improve this product, joe?

This is -- I come from
a marketing background.

I would add
a sense of danger,

Maybe drop
a press release

That too much of it
will k*ll you.

And I think you can get
a buzz going.

[ laughter ]

Like, do you think
there's too much of something

Or less of something
or add something?

Oh, so I see
what you're saying.

If I was going to
add something,

I would add
the danger.

[ laughter ]

Does that make sense?
No.

[ laughter ]

How about you,
brian?

How would I improve
this product?

I wrote, "I'm not sure if
the ingredients are locked in,

But I would add some
ginkgo biloba

Or horny goat weed."

[ laughter ]

Describe how this product
would enhance your life.

This...Can change
everything for me.

I'll get sally back.

My kids will
look up to me

Instead of
their new daddy.

My father
will speak to me again.

This is what
I've been waiting for.

Right.

It's a chocolate bar.

Plus it's low-carb.
Yeah.

[ laughter ]

Okay, so what events do you see
this product being offered at?

I wrote, "the jewish one
where they cut the penis."

[ laughter ]

She's done.

Joe, for reference, name some
products that you enjoy.

Power bars,
k-y jelly, and toblerone.

[ laughter ]

Alright.

I like that toblerone was third,
not k-y jelly.

How about you,
brian?

Name some products
you enjoy.

I wrote, "diet pills,
shiney hiney, nerds candy,

And scented candles."

Okay.
Any other feedback?

Any other feedback.

No,
we covered everything.

I have the k-y jelly,
toblerone...

Start reviewing every answer
from the both of you out loud.

Shiney hiney...
[ laughter ]

Diet pills...
Sense of danger...

Ginkgo biloba.

The jewish one
where they cut the penis.

[ laughter ]

Toblerone.

[ laughter ]

Murr:
Here we go.

[ laughter ]

If you had to choose,

Which guy
do you think is better?

Oh, she chose joe!
Sal: Joe!

Come on, some bullshit thing
that he made up.

[ laughter ]

Go get your stuff.

Yeah.
Diet pills.

I was really big
on the --

You got it.
Thanks.

So it starts
on the eye of the lion

And it zooms in
on the eye of the lion,

But it's a ghost
the whole time.

I like what you're saying,
but you don't like the --

Just put it
in your mouth.

[ laughter ]

Murr: It comes down
to this, gentleman.

We switched the product
to an energy drink,

As you see
on the desk.

I'm sal.
I'm joe.

Norka.

Norka.
Nice to meet you.
Thank you.

We may be losers, but we're also
not working anymore today.

That's true.

[ both laugh ]
ready?

What are your problems,
concerns with this product?

I'll go.
[ laughter ]

My biggest problem
or concern with this product

Is that it was made
by italians,

More specifically,
northern italians,

Whose fingers are like spiders
in the pockets of the...

Working cecilians
and...

[ laughter ]

Okay.

Disgusting italians.

That is very,
very detailed.

I have
a marketing background.

I do, too.
I actually -- I actually --

[ laughter ]

That's probably why they
have us here because I'm
in the masters track.

Oh, really?
For marketing.

Oh,
you're on the track.

So you haven't graduated
like I have already.

[ laughter ]

What's your answer?

Now I need to know.

I don't think my pastor
would approve of me

Using this product
due to some of my proclivities.

[ laughter ]

♪♪

[ laughter ]

What events do you see
this product being offered at?

Karate.

Really.

Is that your answer?
Just karate?

That's interesting because it's
in the vein of mine, actually.

My answer was, "I saw
a few angry teenage boys

Wrestling shirtless
on the beach once.

Maybe something
like that."

[ laughter ]

Describe how this
product would enhance your life.

Without exaggeration,

This product could have
saved my marriage.

[ laughter ]

How would it save
your marriage?

"she d*ed of thirst."

[ laughter ]

She d*ed of thirst.

[ laughter ]

Sal: I'll go.

Describe how this product
would enhance your life.

I would finally have something
to toss from the window

At my favorite...

♪♪

[ laughter ]

Describe how this product
would enhance your life.

I'll go.

I would finally have something
to toss from the window

At my favorite...

[ laughter ]

...At my favorite boys
and girls in the neighborhood.

[ laughter ]
okay.

Just a treat,
like it's a --

I live
with my grandparents.

They always hand out, like,
stuff to the neighborhood kids.

Okay, so,
my head's, like,

She used to hand those out,
my grandma.

So I'm just thinking,
hey,

Like,
how could it in my life?

Joe. [ laughs ]

Do you have any ideas
for potential slogans

Of commercial spots
for this product?

Joe: I do.

Not just good --
more good.

[ laughter ]

How about you?
Did you get one?
Come fill your bucket.

What?
Come fill your bucket.

Murr:
"come fill your bucket."

I just pick up.

People would want it
by the bucket load,

If it's so good.

It doesn't fit
at all.

Norka,
you can come with me.

Alright.
I don't know
who's going to win.

I thought it was sal,
but I think joe's got it now.

Which one
gave better feedback?

If I want to be real,
sal.

Sal wins it!
Oh, sal!

Wow.
Yes!

Q:
A rare sal victory.

Narrator: Sal's marketing
classes paid off,

Sending the other guys
straight to the loser board.

Today,
we're asking strangers

To look over
an apology note

That we're about
to give to somebody.

The catch is that
these apology notes

Have been written for us
by the other guys.

If you can't get the person
to agree that your apology note

Is good enough to pass off,
you lose.

sh**ting you all straight,

We filmed this thing
months ago,

We'll look nothing like this,
and I was not there.

♪♪

Sal: Murray's got
a little surprise

Coming his way
right now.

We're going to mess
with murray right now

And have him read
his own note

That was intended
for one of us

So we can have him
screw self with it.

I think
he's still angry.

[ laughs ]

You see
the blue stand there?

There's the guy
with the baseball hat on.

You know him?

[ laughs ]
this is great.

Now whatever he does reads
is times worse.

I was here
last week.

I screwed up.
I got the guy pissed off at me.

If I go and apologize
to the guy...
Yeah.

How aggressive
are you gonna apologize?

Well -- you want to hear
the apology?
I want to hear
the apology.

Okay. Here's --

I wrote it down
so I wouldn't get, you know.

You know the guy.
I know him.

I wrote...

Sal: Surprise!
Q:
Surprise, buddy.

We gave you
your own one.

[ laughs ]

I was going to say,
"pete,

You were born March th,
at st. Mary's hospital.

You think your parents were
megan and steve campbell.

They're not.

I switched you.

I'm sorry.

Could I have
another side of beef?"

[ laughter ]

[ laughter ]

You can change it out
for something else.

What are they focusing on
right now?

You're focusing
on the wrong thing.

I just -- I feel bad
for switching him at birth,

So I thought it would be time
I tell him.

But how do you know
he was born on that day?

Yeah.

And you did it
when you were how old?

And I --

Apparently, I must have
done it when I was very young.

In retrospect,
this wasn't a good one.

[ laughter ]

You think the apology
is ready to go?

No.
[ laughter ]

I'd like to see
your g*dd*mn apologies.

Oh, wait, wait.
Is that what you're saying?

Are we all
doing our own?

If I had to read
my own,

You have to read
the ones you wrote, too.

[ buzzer ]
q: Oh!

Should've saw that coming.

Oh, no, I just -- I just
realized I know what it says.

See, you thought it'd funny
to screw me over.

What goes around
comes around.

I mean,
it was funny.
[ both laugh ]

Excuse me.
I'm sorry to interrupt.

Can I get your opinion
on something for one second?

The guy in the blue hat
over there with his back --

I insulted him
pretty badly last week,

And I've written him
an apology letter.

Would you mind if I just
run it by you?

Okay.
Okay, thank you.

Murr:
They're in.

"sayid,

I'm not denying
what I did.

I called you 'juicy'

And many variations
thereof.

I am not denying
I called you juicy lips

Or juicy dumps
or juicy lucy,

Who makes my mouth
water loosely."

[ laughs ]
"in full honesty,

I'm also the one who sent you
those tight sweat pants

With the word 'juicy'
printed on the bum."

[ laughter ]

"please let me order some lamb,
and I promise,

The only mouth-watering
you'll see from me

Is towards
the cooked lamb

And not towards
that sweet, sweet tuches.

Give me that lamb,
rolands."

Seems very heartfelt.

Do you have to be,
like, so specific?

Yeah, I don't know.
Have you seen sayid's tuches?

I can't say I have.

There's one word
for it.

Juicy?
Juicy, I presume.

I want to admit
what I did

And promise
I'm not going to do it anymore,

And I thought
this is the best way to do it.

I think
it's nice to say

If you made him
feel uncomfortable.
Yeah?

So you wouldn't change anything?
This is good?

Yeah.

What?!
Oh!

I mean,
it is heartfelt.

Oh, it's heartfelt,
yeah.

[ both laugh ]

Juicy!

[ laughter ]

Q:
Alright, pal.

I tell you what,

It's a whole different sensation
being down here,

Knowing what
I'm about to say.

Different game.

♪♪

Excuse me, do you work here,
by any chance?

You do?

There's a worker there.
Yeah.

He's a friend of mine.
I haven't talked to him.

We had
a little bit of a fight,

And I was going to give him
like a --

Like just
a handwritten note

To say sorry,
but...

I think
that's a sweet gesture.

Can I run it by you?

This is a whole new reaction
because he knows what he says.

Yeah.
Yeah, he knows.

Um...

[ laughter ]

Sal:
He's a friend of mine,

And I was
going to give him, like,

Just a handwritten note.

Can I run it
by you?

"diedrick, sorry I 'ralphed up
chunks hardcore'

At your super Tuesday
gathering."

What?

"first of all, I didn't
'ralph up chunks hardcore'

Like you said
in the group chat,

So kendra can take the string
of green-faced vomit emojis

And shove them up
her c section."

Shove them up
her c section?
"she don't know me."

[ laughter ]

Can I stop you there?
Yeah.

[ laughter ]

The tone is shifting
quite a bit.

[ laughter ]

Probably designed that way,
I would imagine.

"second, I clearly stated
on the rsvp

That cream-based soups
tend to disagree with me.

I did not
'vom creamy chunks.'

That was the actual necc,
new England clam chowder."

Oh, okay.
New England clam chowder.

"I dumped it out because of
the blatant disrespect

Your grandmother showed
serving me it

After I provided
my dietary restrictions."

This is
what you wrote for us?

"but kendra thinks
just because she had

Legs-first vincent
via a c-section,

That she's hot turd."

Murr:
Oh my god.

"remember that when
next super Tuesday rolls around.

Hope to see you then.
Sorry. Sal."

Yeah, I mean,
it's a doozy.

You want me
to read to you again?

You can read it
if you want to,

But I have heard it.
Okay.

[ laughter ]

Just go for it?

"just go for it?"
oh!

I'm going to grab
one of those pizzas.

I'll come back.
Thank you, buddy.

Oh, my god.
How?
Murr: Unbelievable.

Narrator: Murr's apology
couldn't save him.

He's tonight's big loser.

Okay, well,
murr's our loser,

And this punishment's going to
be out of this world, buddy.

We're going to make you
an astronaut

And sh**t you
out of space.

No.
Q: Yeah. Yes.

In a few minutes,
you'll be docking

With the international
space station, my friend.

Sal: You're going to be
streaming live

To a group
of young schoolchildren,

Giving them
a demonstration from space.

They're very eager

To hear from an astronaut
who lives in space.

Expensive punishment.

[ laughter ]

Joe: We have our murr-stronaut.
He's ready to go.

[ murr chuckling ]

Get ready for blastoff,
buddy.

Sal: This is the space shuttle
that we designed,

And we even have
a moon in the back.

Look at that.

It's beautiful.

How essential
are these shoulder straps?

"how essential are these
shoulder straps?"

One of our
comedy producers, sharon,

Will be
moderating today.

They're going to think that
murray is actually up in space.

Of course,
he's not.

There's a camera
that rotates with him,

So it's going to look like he's
in zero gravity, but he's not.

He's just rotating
upside down.

Happy to see you guys.

Joe: Ready to go live to
the kids, murray? Here we go.

Murr:
Can you hear me on earth?

There he is.
He's live.

We can hear you
on earth.

Hello, students.

Joe: What are you doing
with your arms?

So stupid.
Why's he doing this?

Welcome to the
international space station.

Wow.
My name is james murray.

I'm an astronaut.

Now, the kids have
a lot of questions.

How do you
brush your teeth in space?

Joe: "I can show you."
very good question.

I can show you,
if you like.

Alright, murr, I think we're
running into some zero gravity.

Let's get him rotated.

I will show you what --

I will show you what it's like
to brush your teeth in space.

[ laughter ]

Oh!

Here we go.

I'm going to hold the cup here
and brush my teeth.

Okay, so here we go.

[ laughter ]

Oh, my god!
It looks real!

So then you take --
now, this is v--

Oh, no.

[ laughter ]

You have to be
very careful in space.

Things can fly
in all directions.

[ laughter ]

Oh!

[ laughter ]

So what do you do...

[ laughing ]
looks so ridiculous.

Q: Spin him.
Spin him.

Look, we're moving him
while he's brushing.

Look.

[ laughter ]

Okay, so that's how,
you know, in outer space --

Drop it.
Murr, drop it.

[ mug thuds ]

[ laughter ]

We would love to know how
and what you eat in outer space.

Oh, well...

Joe:
Spaghetti bolognese.

[ laughter ]

Spaghetti bolognese.

How about I show you
what I had for lunch today?

I had spaghetti bolognese sauce.

Let me just...

He's trying to fake floating in
by going like this.

And I see where
this is going to go.

Flip him.
[ laughter ]

Oh. Wow.

♪♪

Oh.

Sal:
Oh my god.

Oh, my god.

Got to be very careful
in space

'cause things fall
in all different directions.

[ laughter ]

How about I show you
what I had for lunch today?

Oh! Oh!
[ laughter ]

Sal:
Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

Got to to be very careful
in space

Because things fall
in all different directions.

[ laughter ]

I don't even understand
what's going on anymore.

Crazy, right?

'cause we're
in zero gravity.

That looks
so much fun to eat.

Aww!

Joe: "big scoop!"

Big scoop.

[ laughter ]

Okay. Here we go. Oh.

[ laughter ]

Alright.

[ laughter ]

Okay.

The spaghetti.

Oh, god, let me --

There's clearly gravity.

Is there anything
in particular

You'd like to drink
while you're up there?

You know what's important
for healthy bones.

What's that, q?
That'd be milk.

I drink milk.
By the gallon.

By the gallon.

Oh, here comes a gallon now.
Alright.

I'll show you what it's like
to drink in outer space.

Here we go.

♪♪

[ laughter ]

Are you okay?

It came
out of his nose.

[ laughter ]

Oh, boy.

So you kids are from jersey?

[ laughter ]

What do you pack
when you go to space?

What do we pack
when we go to space.

We don't pack anything.

They provide everything
for us in space.

Which is good because
my ex-wife took everything.

Which is good [chuckles] because
my ex-wife took everything,

So I don't have much anymore.

Next question.

[ laughter ]
her face.

She was like this...

What happens when you cry
or sneeze in space?

Oh.

The tears
don't fall down your cheek.

"and sneezes come out
of your butt hole up here."

And when --
sneezes come out the other end.

[ laughter ]

Just say,
"I fart out my mouth."

In space...

Funny fact.

In space,
you fart out your mouth.

[ laughter ]

How do you exercise
in space?

Oh, we've got a few dumbbells
floating over.

Let me --
here we go.

So what murr doesn't know
is there's going to be

A little bit of a situation
with the dumbbells.

Okay, so just like
you would on earth,

You start doing
your bicep curls.

Q:
Alright, flip him.

It doesn't seem like a lot,
five pounds, but it is.

Oh. You have to hold in place,
getting harder.

Getting distinctly harder to do
as I fall towards earth.

It's like I'm upside down
trying to lift weights.

So I'll do three more, two,
and I think that's all.

Okay.

And here we go.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

[ alarm blaring ]

What is going on?

Sal: The kids
are freaking out.

[ laughter ]

Oh -- oh, my goodness.

"there's a cr*ck
in the mainframe."

There's a cr*ck
in the mainframe!

Reset the firewall.

Somebody reset the firewall!

All you got to do is hit
that red button, buddy.

Let me push
this red button here.

[ grunts ]

Okay.

Alright,
everybody just get out of there.

Shut the lights.

Okay. I think we're okay.

[ laughter ]
all: Bye!

We'll see you later,
buddy.

[ laughter ]

Not funny. I can't get out.
I'm strapped in.

I'm ups--
fellas, this is not funny.

Houston, we have a problem.