01x03 - Dumb Dumbs

[bunniefuu]

[quirky music playing]

[all calling] Sandy!

Sandy, where are you?

Jesus Christ, Zoe.

You're chewing on the furniture.

Why don't you just bring it down a little?

Oh, I'm sorry that I didn't brush up

on my Stanislavski to convincingly search

for somebody that we know

isn't f*cking here.

[Genevieve] I found something!

Feces, human feces.

Sandy must be hiding out

somewhere in the school,

then coming down here to go number two.

[laughing]

Sorry to break it to you, Pepé,

but this is where we've all been going

number two since the plumbing d*ed.

Wait. Where have you been going?

Oh, my God, she hasn't.

- [laughter]

- Okay, I think we're done here.

[Genevieve] Absolutely.

In the words of that Scottish mother

from YouTube, disgusting!

No, I mean, I think we're done

looking for Sandy.

Obviously, we have bigger priorities now,

like f*cking toilets.

No way.

If we're willing to abandon our humanity

one week in to give up on one of our own,

then we might as well skip

straight to eating someone.

- [all murmuring]

- What the f*ck?

But, Pepé,

we've been looking for a whole week.

And you heard Sandy.

She f*cking hated it here.

A row boat is missing.

We can't find her bag.

And we all know she'd never

leave without her f*cking bag, right?

Yeah, and also all the poos

are accounted for.

- But we need to

- We need to get the radio working.

Figure out which berries are safe to eat.

Find a way to get all of our IUDs out

before they rot away in our uteruses.

We need to start planning ahead,

and that means finding a way

to live up here.

Permanently.

[soft sniffling]

[sniffling]

[all sniffling]

[Saskia] Hey! Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, it's okay.

I know we're worried about Sandy,

but I'm sure she's fine.

Halfway to being reunited

with Constable by now.

We're not worried about Sandy, okay?

We're worried about our family

- and our friends and

- Our bongs.

If we just start focusing on survival now,

aren't we just giving up on everyone?

Exactly.

And that is why I, for one,

refuse to stop looking for Sandy,

because I, for one, refuse to believe

that no one else is out there

looking for us, too.

I mean, they have to be.

Right?

[sighs] Look, this sh*t is hard. I get it.

[Lisa Mitchell: "Lovefool"]

We're not meant to be okay.

Which is why, starting now,

I'm introducing a mandatory

emotional release hour.

[Saskia] Do whatever you need to do

to work through the pain

and the worry and the grief.

Because nothing could have

prepared us for this.

No amount of meditation

or medication or self-care.

- [grunts]

- [Tegan] Breathe in.

[Saskia] So, please, just give yourself

permission to fall apart

- Breathe out.

- [both crying]

for one whole hour a day.

I'm urging you to cry,

sob, howl at the moon. I don't care.

[screaming]

We will get our sh*t together.

We'll deploy all our strengths

until we master the basics

of food, water, plumbing and power.

Occupied.

[Saskia] But don't for a second

underestimate the pain of being back here.

All our teenage baggage

has floated to the surface,

and now we're stuck

with the people we thought

we'd know forever

until, you know, boys and jobs and

forks in the road got in the way.

So, for all our sakes,

get over your sh*t and let it out,

because if we don't,

I promise you, we'll never survive this.

[Sister Bicky] This is a very

difficult situation, Amelia.

[clock ticking]

I don't imagine you'll be

returning to the school.

Your father has arranged for you

to return home to the property

on the 3:00 p.m. train.

I'll allow another girl

to help you pack up your dorm room.

Zoe, perhaps?

Oh.

We're not really friends any more.

[classical violin music playing]

So, what unique qualifications

can you bring to the survival effort?

I actually started in paediatrics

because I love kids.

And then I was promoted to the ER, stat.

Stat, it's a medical term for "fast."

As in, uh, "I need lunch, stat."

Just kidding.

But seriously, is lunch soon or

- You had ducks, correct?

- [Phoebe] Yeah.

I also had an investment portfolio

totalling 17 mil in diversified crypto.

But now that legumes are trading

at an all-time high,

I'm cashing in, baby. f*ck's sake.

- I've worked for several years as a

- [Saskia] Teresa!

[mouthing]

I could really go for a tea right now.

Could you grab me one?

Caretaker school captain,

homeroom coordinator,

uh, student delegate

to the Uniform Committee.

If it weren't for me,

this school would never have

brought back the winter berets.

So you printed these off

and brought them to the reunion?

And what industry did you work in?

[all] Marketing.

Great.

Beer. I made beer for living.

Oh, so you must know some chemistry then.

I know that you can't put a flat beer

in a SodaStream bottle

and try to put bubbles back in it

unless you want it to ricochet

out the window, Saskia.

- As I was saying, I've worked as a

- [Saskia groans]

Too hot, Teresa. Too hot.

[playing classical music]

And that's what 10,000 hours gets ya.

Third chair in the

Australian Symphony Orchestra

and not much else?

I farm [stomach rumbling]

peanuts.

Don't worry, Amelia.

I've got big plans for you.

All right, ladies, listen up.

You've been split into two groups.

On the right, we have the Innovation

and Research Division, led by Amelia,

and they will be tasked with finding a way

to generate electricity by tonight.

- [all murmuring]

- [Saskia] And on the stairs,

we have the Infrastructure team.

You guys are gonna be digging

long-drop toilets.

[all groaning]

What? Nerds and gronks, basically.

Well, I'm going to be earning my bowl

of rice tonight by digging long-drops.

And Teresa remains on food,

and Zoe is your student council rep.

[all murmuring]

- "Too cools" privilege continues.

- Sluts.

Guys, if you've got questions, suggestions

or concerns about your allocation,

like I just said,

Zoe is your student council rep.

You can take it up with her.

Uh, uh

Yeah, hit me up, gal pals.

Yeah, I got a quezzie.

How is it that this school

feeds 800 girls a day,

but after one week,

all we have left to eat is rice?

- Yeah. What the f*ck?

- I hardcore second that.

- Who thirds it?

- Yo.

[chuckles] How are you going to stop 100%

of hungry b*tches

from dying of starvation,

Zoe?

Is that a question?

It kind of sounds more like a comment.

Yeah, how come she's getting

preferential treatment,

even though it's her fault

that we're stuck here?

Kind of like how it's your fault

for draining the generators last week,

Phoebe, charging your little laptop.

- [chuckles] Nerd.

- [Saskia] And, Tegan,

I saw you sneak a spoonful of rice out

of Unremarkable Lisa's bowl last night.

It's Forgettable Laura.

- Sorry, what?

- [Saskia] And, Renee,

I know you're hiding a menstrual cup

in there.

We could all be using that.

[all murmuring]

Sorry.

- Zoe

- Oh, I don't

I think, I think we're good.

I think we've got the message, Sas.

Great.

Look, I know that you're all hungry,

but I do see your strengths.

And if there's a group of women

who can succeed at surviving, it's us.

- So let's get to work, okay?

- Whoo!

[all groaning]

No! No, no, no.

Under no circumstances

could I be considered a gronk.

I refuse to dig long-drop toilets.

f*ck your allocations.

I'm looking for Sandy.

"Qui quaerit, invenit."

He who seeks, finds.

I lobbied hard for the committee

to make it,

"She who seeks finds,"

but it didn't translate as well.

[all murmuring]

Sounds like somebody failed

to emotionally release last night.

What?

Like, as in she hasn't taken a sh*t yet.

Oh, good one.

Okay, look, Sandy's story needs an ending.

I need you to convince Genevieve

that Sandy was lost and bereft

without her mutt.

She found her bag and she f*cked off.

End of story. You got it?

- But how?

- "Yeah, Saskia, I've got it."

Thank you.

[Devendra Banhart: "Lover"]

[Zoe] Dear b*tches,

have gone back

to States.

[door closes]

Hi, mate.

What you doing?

Need any help with, um

Dewey Decimal System?

612 is where you'll find pictures

of dicks in anatomy textbooks.

- Don't ask me how I know that.

- Nope. I'm good.

You can go back

to pretending to do something.

My job is to help you, friend.

Bit above your reading level,

don't you think? [chuckles]

Cool, cool, cool. Uh

Well, I'm here if you need anything.

Just like in netball.

Here if you need wing defence.

JK, wing defence never got the ball.

Hey, where are you going?

Oh, Zoe.

I shan't hold my breath for your help.

Wait, what?

[school bell ringing]

[indistinct chatter]

- Hey.

- Hey.

I was just

Tuck shop, anyone?

- Yes. You wanna come?

- Oh. No, that's okay.

But if you don't mind waiting

- a sec

- [Saskia] Zo-Zo. Come on, let's go.

[Amelia] Zoe, I really need to talk

[Saskia] Zo-Zo, let's go.

Amelia, please come.

We haven't hung out in ages.

Uh, no. Go without me.

I need to see Danny anyway.

[Saskia] See?

She doesn't have time for you, Zoe.

[Amelia] Guys, little help.

Come on, Phoebe. You used to memorize

this sh*t in your sleep.

[Phoebe] Um

Twinkle, twinkle, little star ♪

Power equals I squared R ♪

And the "I" means ice cream.

And the "R" is ratatouille or some sh*t.

I can't think. I'm so f*cking hungry.

- [balloon bursts]

- [gasps]

Soz.

Guys, how good does that rat look?

I could go some deep fried rat

right about now.

Samesies.

Doc, what's that yellow stuff?

Oh! Me.

Um

That's It's pickle juice.

[Phoebe] I thought it was formaldehyde.

Common misconception, Phoebe.

Um, yeah, they, they phased out

the forda-del-dulcimide.

- It's actually all organic now.

- Guys!

Please, just help me work this out.

But how are we supposed to focus with only

a few mouthfuls of rice in our bellies?

I'm so hungry. At least when we were

cramming for school, like, we had, like,

energy drinks and, like, finger buns.

- Let's talk about finger buns.

- Burger Rings.

- Vegemite scrolls.

- Vegemite scrolls.

- Icy poles, the long ones.

- Yes.

- Hello!

- Okay, okay. I get it. I get it.

I will find us some food.

Just, please

get to work?

Yes, queens.

You boss b*tches go.

All right. Now, this is the standard.

Everybody, I want you to look at, um

At her hole.

Sarah K., come on,

I know you got more in you than that.

Nice work, ladies.

This bitch gonna actually dig or

just hold a shovel and say positive sh*t?

Damn, why does she look so good?

I couldn't find anything

in the boarders' wardrobes that fit.

[Genevieve] Sandy!

Sandy!

I don't think we're gonna

have this cracked by tonight.

We're all pretty rusty

on the book learning front,

and we're just too hungry to focus.

Okay, take your time.

But just know, you and your team won't

be eating till you generate electricity.

What?

Saskia, that's no way

to motivate people, through

threats and ultimatums?

Well, Amelia, this is how I lead.

And, if I recall correctly,

you were the one who so badly

wanted me back in this position.

"Don't overthink it," you said.

"We just need a bitch."

So here I am.

Run things how you want,

but I won't thr*aten my team

with starvation.

Amelia, wait.

I see you taking little pills.

Now, I have no idea

what f*cked you up so badly,

but this school f*cked me up in ways that

I don't think you could possibly imagine.

And I'll never forgive you

for asking me to return to the person

I worked very hard to leave behind.

- Saskia, it doesn't

- f*cking dig, Sarah K!

Move your fat ass!

The deadline stands.

[mysterious music playing]

Oh, f*ck.

f*ck, f*ck f*ck!

Mmm

m*therf*cker.

Don't look at me like that.

Didn't know what I was doing.

[Genevieve] Sandy!

Sandy!

[insect buzzing]

Sandy!

Sandy!

[stomach gurgling]

Oh, no. [farts]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

[whimpering]

[Kasabian: "sh**t the Runner"]

[exclaims]

[gurgling]

[retches]

[screams] No!

I'll have a strawberry milk

and a meat pie, please.

[laughs]

Seriously.

Just give us a shred, a nibble,

anything to help us focus.

Please don't ask me, okay?

I can't give you anything.

- Saskia's orders.

- Come on, Teresa.

She's given us an impossible task.

No, you don't understand, okay?

Saskia said if you came to demand food,

the entire class, not just the nerds,

would go without rations

until electricity was created.

That f*cking bitch.

Yeah, so

You were never here.

We never had this conversation.

[sighs] Yeah.

Amelia. [clears throat]

I have been curious

about that secret stash

of junk food we used to keep

in the boarding school manhole.

According to my little cousin,

the tradition still stands.

[Wolfmother: "Woman"]

- [growls]

- [screams]

Oh, sh*t!

[growling]

Oh!

Uh

Need some help up there?

No, I'm good. I, uh

I'm doing fine.

Yeah. Totally fine.

Amelia, do you think

maybe we should just talk about this?

Because the last time I saw you,

you just ditched me at lunch for Danny.

No. No, I'm good. Yeah.

So, um

Yeah, you can go.

Cool.

Cool, cool, cool.

f*ck.

[growling]

Oh, f*ck, sh*t.

[breathing heavily]

Dear God, I know I haven't prayed

since the last election,

and you didn't really come through anyway,

but, please, help me

take a sh*t at school.

I beg of you.

[water dripping]

[mysterious music playing]

Oh! Thank you, God.

Thank you.

[sighs in relief]

Amen!

[groans]

Uh

No. It's got to be deeper.

At least one and a half Tegans.

I'm f*cking Megan.

Zoe. Hey, Zoe. Uh

I'm happy to be a gronk, but I think

I could be more useful to the nerds.

You know, given that I work

Yeah, I can't talk right now,

Forgettable Laura.

- Yeah.

- Hey, what's going on?

Um, so the PR strategy has been planted,

if you will.

But while I was out there, I found some

communication of the very real variety.

Okay. Enough of the corporate babble.

What are you trying to say?

I found a broken f*cking oar, Saskia.

And if the oar couldn't survive,

how could Sandy?

- We f*cking k*lled her.

- Don't you mean you k*lled her?

Stop with your gaslighting bullshit, okay?

We both know what we both did.

Come on,

you know you're dispensable, right?

Or at least that much was clear when

you nearly fell in the f*cking sinkhole

and no one tried to save you.

Do you not feel bad about Sandy at all?

You've got no idea.

[Megan screams]

[Saskia] Great work, ladies!

Pop her in the next one

and let's get it going.

Disappear that oar or take the hit alone

because this class will not survive

without me leading it.

Finish Sandy's story

and start telling anyone who asks

that, no, you can't help them.

Got it?

Hey, Zoe, about the job allocation

Get the f*ck back to work,

Forgettable Laura.

Okay.

[Vampire Weekend: "A-Punk"]

- [all exclaiming]

- That is a fiery pickle juice.

- What the hell are you doing?

- Flame-grilled rat.

It'll be finger-licking good.

[Amelia] Don't eat that.

Oh, sh*t!

[Tegan] No. No, no, not the brows.

No, no, no, no, don't cry. Don't cry.

Please don't cry.

Save it for emotional release hour.

[Zoe] Okay. Just like hiding a book

in a library, Zo-Zo.

Oars belong on boats.

Nothing weird about this.

Hi.

I Oh, God, for God's sake. Um

[clears throat] I do need your help.

Saskia is starving out the nerds,

and it's really dangerous, so, um

Can you

Can you ask her to let up, please?

Uh

I'm

I'm sorry, I can't.

Why?

Because

- I just can't.

- Because Saskia said so.

[grunts]

f*cking hell.

Did you seriously just punch me

in the tit?

Yeah. I did. All right, Zoe?

Because all you do is look out for you,

all right? You're f*cking selfish.

- You always have been.

- Selfish?

I'm building you a f*cking boat.

How am I selfish?

I never asked for a boat.

No, of course you didn't.

You never ask for anything, do you?

You just f*cking martyr yourself.

I take responsibility for myself, okay?

I don't hide behind other people.

[Zoe] Oh, my God.

So I was friends with Saskia. Get over it.

You were f*cking glued to Danny.

Like, sorry that I decided to go

and make other friends,

so I didn't have to third-wheel it

with you and your horndog gardener.

Zoe, we weren't even

hanging out when I left.

[Amelia] You were so done with me

by that point

[Zoe] Oh, my God. Bullshit. Bullshit.

I would get home

every single day from school,

and I would f*cking star-69

to see if you'd called, and you never had.

I tried, Amelia, okay?

And at some point you're going to have

to stop blaming me

for whatever happened to us.

There is no us, Zoe.

There is no us. People drift apart.

People outgrow each other.

We don't have to hold each other hostage

over "best friends forever" bracelets.

Yeah, no, for sure, 'cause you're not

holding onto anything, are you?

No, of course not.

Because otherwise you would just

f*cking come out and say it,

that Danny knocked you up.

Is that it? Or your parents went broke

and they had to pull you out of school,

or what?

What? You got expelled for plagiarism

or for f*cking a staff member?

I mean, what the f*ck was it?

Okay, fine. Well, listen,

until you can swallow your f*cking pride

and tell me what it is that I apparently

did wrong ten f*cking years ago,

I'm just going to have to assume

that it's totally unimportant.

In fact, knowing you,

it's probably petty as f*ck.

f*ck this.

Let's just stay the hell away

from each other, okay?

- Yeah. Fine.

- And get out from under Saskia,

for all of our sakes.

f*cking hell.

Would you like a super arch, or maybe

something a little bit more standard?

I spent a lot of money on these brows,

so if you could just keep pretty much

to their natural shape,

that would be good.

[Renee] Duly noted.

Where's Tegan?

I don't know. She just said

she hadn't been this long

without Megan before,

and then she just bailed.

Friendship's weird, I know.

[Renee] So, what do you got?

KFC? Oh, sushi?

Halal snack pack, maybe?

[Phoebe] Pretty sure

she doesn't have anything.

Can you put this down?

- [Renee] I'm hungry.

- [Phoebe] I know. So am I.

I want that rat.

[sighs]

Fried rat.

[crying quietly]

- [Renee] Amelia?

- [sniffles]

Um, you okay?

[sniffling]

I'm sorry, guys. I just

Saskia's given us an ultimatum,

and we're not gonna eat

until we create electricity.

I didn't want to pressure you

with f*cked-up threats, but

I've looked high and low,

and there's no food anywhere.

Okay, um

- Okay.

- I'll start here.

Yeah, we got this. Don't worry about it.

Remember I said,

power equals I squared R, so Okay.

- [Renee] Yeah.

- [Phoebe] Yeah.

[all] Ooh!

Let there be light.

Let's hear it

for the Innovation and Research team.

[all cheering]

You guys!

I knew you could do it. Told you.

And also for our gronks.

I mean, Infrastructure team.

We have managed to assemble

a sh*t-ton of sh*t boxes.

So there's no excuse

for bush poos any more.

Come on, ladies.

We f*cking built electricity today.

We are better than bush poos, aren't we?

This is disgusting.

Guys, we've got

a f*cking stigmata situation.

Yeah. We were down by the water's edge,

- looking for mushrooms so that

- For food.

- Obviously.

- Obviously.

[Tegan] But, no, we stumbled across

Mother Maz dawg here with a note for us.

This place is haunted as f*ck.

Like, we're pretty sure

we also saw Sister Bicky's ghost

doing calisthenics on the oval.

Yeah, because we definitely

did not find mushrooms.

Uh, show me that.

[mysterious music playing]

[paper rustling]

"Dear b*tches."

That's rude.

"Please don't be mad. I've left.

I realised I couldn't live

without Constable.

And once I found my D'Amiré,

I knew I had to bail on this dump

to try getting back to the US.

I've taken a rowboat.

Soz if you needed it,

but I needed it more. Sandy."

[scoffs] Wow.

Well, I guess we can stop looking.

Sandy is gone.

[sarcastically] Oh, no, anyone but Sandy.

[Saskia] Zoe, would you like to

add anything as SRC rep?

[Zoe] Uh

Yeah. Just

that, um

I think I speak for all of us

when I say, "To Sandy."

Safe voyage home, Sandy.

[all] To Sandy.

And to Sister Bicky, who said that

this group would never amount to anything.

So, with the utmost disrespect,

I say, go f*ck yourself, Bicky!

- [all toasting]

- [woman] f*ck you, you f*cking bitch!

Hey. Hey, hey, hey.

- Ridge Heights ladies standing proud ♪

- [Phoebe] Oh, no.

[others join in]

We make such a clever crowd ♪

Conscientious and polite ♪

What was it that you wanted

to say to me earlier, Forgettable Laura?

Oh.

- You know, only that I work as

- Actually, one second.

An electrical engineer.

[singing continues]

[Missy Higgins: "The Special Two"]

[Tegan] Breathe in.

Breathe out.

[coughs, laughs]

[sighs]

[crying]

[oar thumps]

You said it yourself, Sas.

Sandy would never go anywhere

without her bag.

[closing music playing]