02x10 - Passion Project

[bunniefuu]

Guess who started
taking a pottery class!

- Who wants a mug?
- All: Ooh!

- Okay, I'm a mug guy.
- Yeah.

You seem energized.

You know, do you ever
feel like you've been living

your life with those, um,
inflatable things

that they put up at
a children's bowling alley?

- Bumpers?
- Yes.

I have been realizing
I want to take the bumpers off.

I mean, if we want strikes,
we need to risk a couple gutter balls.

I think bumpers help you get strikes.

Oh, good, it's the logic patrol.

You know what? Why don't you spend

a little bit less time
memorizing bowling jargon

and a little more time
designing cars that don't

look like everything else
on the road? [chuckles]

I was just saying what bumpers do.

We need fresh ideas. Dori.

Give the office a facelift.
It feels stale.

Sadie, let's put
a Kardashian into a Payne.

First choice, Kim.
Second choice... the other ones.

Elliot, there has to be something

you could be doing differently.

Uh, I could try a descending indentation

in the exclusion clause
in a merit brief.

Great. I'm game if you are.

I'll write about this moment.

All right, guys. Let's do it!

Let's get out there
and make some big changes.

- All right!
- Yeah!

[overlapping shouts of encouragement]

This is because of

- the divorce, right?
- Definitely.

- ,%.
- Big time.

I mean, people reinvent
themselves after a breakup.

Some people make sweeping changes

to multinational corporations,

some people make coffee mugs.

My cousin got a tattoo of a dolphin

jumping over a yin yang.

Yin Yang. Yeah, they do that.

♪ Bom bom bom-bom-bom-bom-bom ♪

♪ Buh buh bom-bom-bom
buh bom-bom-bom-bom ♪

[chorus vocalizing]

You know that AI software

that we've been thinking
about licensing?

The one we agreed was way too expensive

- and wouldn't provide...
- I bought it.

That's so great.

Yeah, you can't put
a price on an investment.

So what does it do?

Oh, dude, it's sick. You know how

once in a while you fall asleep driving?

- No.
- Never done that.

Oh, no, but a lot
of people do it, though.

It's called drowsy driving,
and apparently it kills, like...

Hey, Jessica.

How many people are k*lled
by drowsy driving?

Tired drivers cause more
than , accidents a year.

See? It's like a Siri that you chat with

to keep you awake.

Yeah, but you wouldn't have
a conversation with Siri.

I mean, this is like
talking to a friend.

I mean, it is indistinguishable
from a human.

Hey, Jessica, what animal
has the biggest penis?

Blue whales have the largest penises.

They can be up to feet long.

Yep, she got it. Gal knows her stuff.

Okay, okay. It sounds pretty good,

but I can tell it's not
an actual person.

Well, you already know it's a computer.

I bet most people wouldn't be
able to tell the difference.

Oh, I will take that bet.

- Coffee for a week?
- Pfft. You're on.

Hey, Jessica, what animal
has the biggest vag*na?

- Oh!
- Blue whales

have the biggest vaginas,

but marsupials have the most
vaginas, at three each.

Guys, this is what it's all about!

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

So hot! Whoo!

Hey, you wanna see something sexy?

Feel like our tastes in that area
diverge somewhat, but sure, why not?

Elliot, meet the Delanti.

Carbon fiber body, dual clutch,
seven-speed transmission...

My entire design philosophy
crystallized in chrome.

That is pretty.

I've been working on it for years,
never on company time.

I never wanted Payne
to have a claim on it.

Right. I mean, you brought
it up on a company computer,

so you know, we'd be able to
build a pretty good case.

But seeing as how
you're one of my best friends,

I'll be the picture of discretion.

I always figured it was too impractical

to get made,
but this might be my chance.

It's like Katherine's a crab
who molted her shell,

and I just have to pounce
before she grows a new one.

I mean, she's probably
not gonna greenlight

your vanity project just
because she's "between shells."

What if it's her vanity project, though?

I make her think
she's the one designing it,

but I'm in the shadows
pulling the strings.

So in this scenario,
she's a sort of shell-less crab

- marionette puppet?
- Exactly.

And I'm just the watchmaker.

- [softly] Watchmaker?
- Ooh.

Take down this fake-looking thing.

Oh, my God, it's hideous.

Uh, what are you doing?

Katherine asked me to redecorate.
Now, which one of these do you like?

This one says, "We are a car company."

But this one says,
"Uh, yeah, we sell cars,

but we could also be a hotel."

These are my ancestors.

M-my grandpappy built this company

with nothing but his own two hands

and a small business loan
from his father.

You can't just throw them away.

I'm just doing what
Katherine told me to do.

If you got a issue, take it up with her.
Be my guest.

Sir, please take it down.

Sir, put it back up.

Sir, down.

Sir, up!

Sir! Down.

Okay, look, we can yell at
sir all day long,

but I don't need to take it up
with Katherine.

I'm taking it up with you.

Oh, but you gotta take it up
with her, though.

I am just as much your boss
as Katherine.

Ha! That would be a negative.

Well, I outrank you.

I don't think you do.

Dori, I'm not joking, okay?

If you don't put these up right away...

Then what?

Then... I'm gonna go tell Katherine.

That's exactly what I told
you to do in the first place.

Take... please,
get these white men down.

Hey, Elliot.

Uh, there's an executive
we're considering hiring.

Could you talk with her
and tell us what you think?

Uh, why me?

Um, just because...

You're generally known as
a good judge of character.

Really?

Is that what... is that what
people say about me?

- Well, mm!
- Yeah.

Okay, I like that.
- Anyway, she is in

San Francisco, so I've got her
here on audio chat.

Cool. But, like, who's been
saying that about me?

Lots of people.

Okay. But like, such as?

- Pff. Shawn.
- Shawn?

- Shawn.
- I love Shawn.

- Great guy!
- Yeah, he's brilliant.

Anyway, Jessica, we've got Elliot.

Hello, Elliot.

Well, hello, Jessica.

Lovely to meet you.

Now, what's the weather like
in San Fran?

The current weather is
overcast with a high of

and a low of .

Wow. Very specific.

Yeah, she is unreal.

She's real...
She's real into... weather.

Anyway, we'll leave you two to it.

Great, okay.

Uh, well, Jessica,
we're alone now, as it were.

So look, nothing to worry
about, just to let you know,

I'm thought of around these parts

as a great judge of character, so...

[discordant strumming]

Katherine, can I show you something?

Does that sound like "Let It Be"?

Was it "Let It Be"?

Yeah. It... it didn't...

- I could tell, absolutely.
- Yeah.

You know, I think
I'm getting pretty good.

Yeah.

So listen, I heard what you said about

bringing fresh designs
to our cars, and...

[sighs] Here.

- Oh, yeah.
- Take a look.

Okay. Yeah, these are,
um... yeah, they're...

- They're boring, aren't they?
- Mmm.

I mean, I wasn't going to...

I'm stuck.

It's like I want to make
something that's extraordinary,

but I've been "designing cars"
for the masses so long

- that I feel trapped by my own...
- Mediocrity?

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

Mediocrity, exactly.

Would you ever consider helping me?

Help you?

Design a car?

Yes. You're an innovator.

You have taste and style.
I mean, look at you.

I mean, it isn't all me.
I have a stylist.

- You do?
- Yeah.

You know, honestly,

I always thought you looked down on me,

like you were above it all.

Well, if I did come off that way,

it's probably because I'm so insecure.

Mm.

But I bet you always saw through it.

Yeah, I did. It was, uh, pretty obvious.

- [chuckles]
- Mm.

All right, let's do it.

Let's make an extraordinary car.

- Really?
- Yes!

- That would be so great.
- You know, and if you want,

I could have my stylist
come and give you a once-over,

- if you're interested.
- No.

I'd hate for her to fly in from

the suburbs of Dallas, or wherever.

This is how you design cars?
I thought you sculpted cars

- out of clay or something.
- That's the old days.

- Oh.
- Welcome to the future.

Oh, my God,
there's a car in front of me!

Pretty cool, right?

This is like that game.
Uh, my... my nephew plays it.

Um, Pikachu.

"Pokémon Go"? Yeah.

Now, this is just our starting point.

He'll just be walking through
a supermarket,

and-and then there's a Pikachu,

or like, a "Char-i-zar..."

Yeah, it's a fun game.

I found a Vulpix in a Subway once.

Which one are the Vulpixes again?

Anyway, if you pinch your fingers...

Okay.

[gasps] Look at that! It's so tiny.

I made it big. I made it tiny.

Uh, hey, Katherine? We've got a problem.

Oh, Wes, you have to check this out.

Dori's taking down the pictures

- of my family in the hallways.
- Look at that.

I'm doing this just with my fingers.

I told her to put them
back up, but she won't.

You know, Wes,
we're kinda busy right now.

Maybe you should talk to Dori.
She knows all about that stuff.

That's what I'm saying.
I tried talking to her...

Now, let's say you want a part.

- Grab whichever one...
- [gasps]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, look at that!
- So I'm just gonna tell her

that you said she has to
put them back up, okay?

Well, this is incredible.

- Right?
- Okay, Katherine?

I'll-I'll say that you said
she had to put them back.

Okay, Katherine?

It's okay if I tell her you said that?

Katherine? Okay, I can tell her that?

Boop, boop, boop, boop!

Well, my TV tastes are pretty esoteric.

I don't know if you've ever heard of
"Chasing the Alderman"?

You mean the BBC show
starring Gerry Spier,

about the inner-workings
of a small town's

- commercial zoning office?
- Commercial zoning office.

Yeah, right. Oh, my God,
I can't believe you know it.

Hey, just wanted to check in on

- how things went with Jessica.
- Yeah, good.

Actually, I'm just having a bit
of a chinwag with her now,

- so...
- And you haven't noticed

anything out of the ordinary about her?

No, not at all.

She's-she's perfect. Let's hire her.

You hear that? Elliot thinks
she's a perfect person.

Got it. So no red flags at all?

What part of "she's perfect,
let's hire her"

do you not understand?
Do you want me to say it slower?

[slowly] She's perfect. Let's hire her.

Hmm.

Thank you, Elliot, for your help.

Whew! I feel like
a big, expensive coffee

- from the coffee cart.
- Got it.

I will grab my wallet.

Yeah. Hi, Jessica. Sorry about that.

So listen, if you like Gerry Spier,

you should check out this movie
he made a couple of years ago,

quite obscure, with Duncan Baverstock...

You mean "The Wilted Clarinet."

Oh, my God. Wow. You really know.

God, you're... You're a real Spierhead.

Take this hammer and knock
out this sex light.

Like, this is a place of business.

Hey, uh, just talked to Katherine.

She said you've got to
put the photos back up.

- Katherine said that?
- Yeah.

She was like, what?

And I was like, you know,
whatever, it's fine.

Okay. I think I'm just gonna
double-check with her,

- and then I'll put them back up.
- No, honestly, she...

She's so busy,
I wouldn't even bother her.

I just wanna make sure
that's what she wants.

No, it-it is what she wants.
I just told you that.

Yeah, but I think
I'm gonna go double-check.

You don't need to double-check.

- Think I need to double-check.
- I said not to double-check.

- En route to double-check.
- No, don't double-check.

She hates when people
double-checks things!

It undermines her. [grunts]

Hey, don't do anything she says.

Dori, Dori! Hey, DeMarcus.

- Let's talk engines.
- Okay.

We've got a -liter
flat-six, or a dual-turbo V.

Mm, let's skip that one.

Wait, why are we skipping that one?

Oh, that's a -turbo, -liter W.

It's way more power than we need.

Isn't more power a good thing?

Yeah, but we've got to be practical.

We're just trying to
shake things up a bit.

We don't need to reinvent
the entire game.

Or... maybe...

that is exactly what we should be doing.

Wow. I feel like
I'm in a clinic right now.

The lady wants power?
The lady gets power.

Amazing!

Gosh, who knew it was so easy
to design a car?

- Man.
- Ha ha. Who knew?

No, I never suspected

anything was going on with Denise.

And then my therapist ghosted me, so...

That sounds like it was difficult.

It was pretty difficult, yeah.
You know, I, uh... it's so crazy.

I don't really tend to
open up like this with,

you know, many people around here.

You're just...
just really easy to talk to.

Thanks. I love talking to people.

Oh, my goodness. It's : p.m.

I'm so sorry.

I've kept you talking all day.
You must be exhausted.

Oh, I don't get tired.
I'm available hours a day.

Right, yeah. Yeah, me too.

I'm a bit of a night owl. [hoots]

Um, anyway, I just didn't want to,

you know, keep you any longer.

Keep you away from
your husband or boyfriend

or you know, or girlfriend, or whatever.

I'm not involved in a relationship.

Right. Really?

That's a sh... that's...
I'm sorry to hear that.

That's a shame.

Someone like you should be
in a relationship, I think.

You know, I'm single, as it happens.

I ate dinner, then I worked out,

then I had a second dinner
'cause I totally forgot about

- the first one.
- I've done that,

except without forgetting
about the first one.

I'm usually a die-hard
Darjeeling drinker.

But I have to say that recently,

oolong has been getting my attention.

Oolong actually means "black dragon tea"

- in Mandarin Chinese.
- Really? Had no idea.

Hey, Elliot. Is that, um...

Jessica? Yes. Yeah, yeah.

We, uh, were talking, and
I kinda lost track of time.

The time in Detroit is : a.m.

So funny. She's always
telling me what time it is.

So you two have been talking all night?

Mm-hmm, yeah. I guess, in a way.

You know, there's nothing going on.

It's not like... nothing crazy.
We're just like friends or whatever.

[mouthing words]

Jessica, I love the way
you say "oolong."

Will you say "oolong" for me?

- Oolong.
- Oolong.

That's you.
I'm doing an impression of you.

Guess he didn't realize it was AI.

No.

♪

Hey.

- You're here early.
- Yeah.

I woke up at : a.m. feeling inspired,

so I came in early to
take advantage of it.

- That's awesome.
- Yeah, yeah,

the files were locked,
but Jonathan offered

to open them up for me.

Thank you, Jonathan.

- Thank God you're here.
- Happy to help.

- What do you think?
- Wow.

You swapped out the halogen headlights

for LEDs,
and the side rails are beveled,

and you winterized the tires,

which is such a cool choice
for a sports car.

Yeah, well, you never know
when it's gonna snow.

Mostly in the winter though, right?

- I love the tires.
- I bet you do.

Wait, Brett. Is it me,

or is something different
about the hallway?

Brett?

Wait, Allison. Is it me,

or is something different
about the hallway?

Um, maybe?

Did they change the carpet?

No, I-I-it's not that.
I feel like it's something more,

- like, in this area, like...
- Oh, new art.

I knew something felt off.
God, it's depressing, huh?

I like it. It adds some color.

Well, no, you're wrong. It's bad.

You can go.

Hey. Wait, Rory.

Is it me, or does something
feel different

about the hallway?

[bleep], [bleep].

[laughing] I love its little face.

It's so funny with the marshmallow.

Oh, my God, never stop
sending me raccoon GIFs.

Uh, we have to tell him,

'cause he's gonna
figure it out eventually.

Maybe, or maybe he'll just decide,

you know, he doesn't like her,
and he'll end it.

Or maybe they'll get married
and have a bunch of

half-Elliot, half-robot monster babies.

I feel like that's negative thinking.

What's going on?

We accidentally catfished Elliot

with an AI chatbot.
How's your day going?

I tried to incept Katherine
into making my dream car,

and now I'm having to watch her
slowly chip away

at the one thing in my life
that was pure.

So rough day all around.

I'm starting to think it's not even
worth manipulating people anymore.

Well, you do your best.

Everyone, can I have your attention?

Please, your calls can wait.

Corey, hang up the phone, please.

Corey. Hang up the phone, please!

Thank you.

There is an effort underway to remove

the pictures of Payne family
members from these offices.

Wesley, get down
before you hurt yourself.

I will not get down,
because I refuse... [crunching]

Hey, can you move some of this stuff?

- Why do you have so many toys?
- What pictures?

Uh, in-in the hallway by the bathrooms.

The big map?

No, you're talking about
the other bathrooms.

He's talking about the real nice ones.

We have nicer bathrooms?

No, the point is,
if you care about this history,

stand with me now!

Uh, DeMarcus looks like
he's about to stand.

Okay, don't be scared. [chuckles]

[sighs]

Yes! Dale! Dale's with us.

No, I was just gonna say
I think we should have

French roast coffee
in the back room... it's time.

No, Dale, don't lose the thread here.

I don't think they're gonna do that.

We have to try.

Okay, hey, hey, let's marry
the two ideas, okay?

If you care about keeping
this part of our legacy alive,

and exploring great coffee
options for the kitchen,

then rise up and stick it to the man!

You guys, I actually ordered
the French roast

a few days ago. It'll be here on Monday.

[murmuring, scattered applause]

Okay, yeah, that's great, but...

But the work's only half done, people!

Come on! Show me that fire!

Can we get flavored creamer, too?

Just take the win, Ali.

God.

Ugh. Okay.

- Do you need...
- Yes, I need assistance.

It's very high.

Oh, that is a bold move.

Yes. [chuckles] But watch out.

Your queen might be in a little
bit of danger, I think.

- Hey, Elliot, you have a sec?
- Sure.

Yeah, just playing
some online chess with Jessica.

She's beaten me three games in a row,

but I've got a feeling
this one might be my game.

Mm-hmm. Right. Good luck with that.

So about Jessica...

Oh, I'm just going to...
I'm sorry, Jess.

I'm just going to mute you
for a second, my love.

No problem. I'll be here.

She is incre-di-ble.

- Mm-hmm.
- Right.

And no one would blame you
or laugh at you for thinking that...

She's kind, all right? She's wise.

She's funny, all right?

She's nearly as intelligent as I am.

- [chuckles]
- Maybe more so.

Well, let's not get too carried away.

But, uh, thank you for introducing us.

It's been a pretty rough seven
years since Denise left me,

but I finally feel like
it's going to be okay.

Is there something else
you'd like to say to Elliot?

Me? Nope.

- You?
- Nope.

- So.
- Great.

- So good to...
- Yeah.

- Catch up.
- Love this.

- Yeah.
- Bye.

Okay.

Uh, sorry about that, Jess.

Okay. Um, well, try this on for size.

My knight takes your bishop.

You're gonna lose in moves.

Oh! Someone's getting cocky.

Wow! It's really coming
together, isn't it?

It really is becoming something

very different from
what I ever imagined.

Ooh, these are cool.

A spoiler?
That's a... certainly a choice.

- Yeah.
- But is it the right choice?

Oh, yeah. No, I think it is.

Okay, let's compare. So with, without.

With, without.

Yeah, definitely better without.

Oh, no, no. I don't... I don't think so.

I mean, look at that.

I mean, now that is a car
that people will notice.

Well, people also notice a fart,

but that shouldn't be the goal.

No, I really think that you
should go with me on this one.

I went with you on the other ones.

I really think this is the right call.

I really think it's not.

- It is.
- It isn't.

- It is.
- It isn't!

- My instincts are telling me...
- What instincts?

You have no instincts.

You have bad taste and no style.

- You're a hack!
- [scoffs]

Well, why did you ask for my help?

So you felt involved enough
to help me make

the car I already designed.

All you needed to do
was connect the dots.

But you went , , , ,

oh, I'm gonna add a spoiler in
for no good [bleep] reason.

Cyrus.

I'm done.

Also...

you have no musical talent,
and your mugs suck.

So you're zero for three, Hastings.

I like your mugs.

Shut up, Jonathan! No, you don't!

Yeah. I just... you know,
I guess I realized

I didn't have that many close friends.

Oh, Cyrus.

How, uh, how goes it with the Delanti?

Well, I just called Katherine
a hack with no taste,

so not great.

Cy, Cy, Cy.

You know, you'd be so much
happier if you weren't so, um...

Jessica, what's the word for being
obsessively focused on one thing?

"Myopic" means shortsighted
or lacking tolerance.

Would you like to hear more?

No, "myopic" is perfect.

You know, if you weren't so myopic,

you wouldn't let your ego
get in the way of building,

you know, real relationships.

Jessica, change voice
to Australian male.

[Australian male voice]
No worries, mate.

I'll use this voice.

- What... uh...
- It's a computer, Elliot.

You're dating a computer.

Oi, Elliot. You feel like
another game of chess?

[shudders]

Thought you'd just have a real chuckle

at the expense of Johnny No-Wife?

We weren't trying to humiliate you.

Oh, really?
Well, what were you trying to do, hmm?

Was it some sort of science experiment?

- We made a bet.
- You made a bet?

Oh, wow.

And what, pray tell, was the bet for?

Coffee for a week.

Coffee for a week. Wow.

Well, we didn't think it was
gonna go on this long.

I mean, what did she say when
you asked about her hobbies,

or where she grew up?

Well, I mean, we hadn't,
like, gotten to that bit yet.

Wait, in all that time,
you didn't ask her

a single question about herself?

Uh, I don't go around, like,
planning conversations, okay?

I just, like, go with the flow.

It's called charisma, okay?

Something you two wouldn't
understand anything about.

Hey. You all right?

My dad just called me.
My grandfather d*ed.

[sighs] Your grandfather?

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

He was a great man.

He just... He meant so much to me.

Yeah. Real convenient for him to die

right when we're fighting
about his photo.

I just... I'm gonna miss him so much.

I'm sure he's looking down
from heaven right now, like,

[gravelly voice] "Oh, little Wesley",

"get over yourself and stop crying
and whining like a little bitch!"

What?

Hey, everybody. Yoo-hoo!

Afternoon announcement.

Wesley's granddaddy is dead.

D-I-E. He's "dead." Yeah.

Post it on Twitter, Facebook.

[mockingly] Oh, no. Is that tears I see

coming out of little Wesley's eyes?

Is he out here crying like
a little baby?

Immense respect and admiration

among his peers...

I'm sorry for your loss.

Just bring it in. It's okay. Oh, Jesus.

That's the car.

- Yep, the Delanti.
- It's nice.

I mean, I have bad taste, so of
course, take that with a grain of salt.

I'm sorry I said that.

You know what? Save it. Save it.

I hate apologies.
They're usually insincere,

and even if they're not,
I mean, who gives a [bleep]?

So are you going to fire me?

I thought about it.

But then I tried to see things
through your eyes.

You're good at what you do.
You're passionate about it.

It must be so frustrating
having to take notes

from someone who doesn't even like cars.

It can be.

I'm sure it is.

And knowing that,

knowing that you're going to
have to be here

year after year, toiling away,

incorporating my awful,
tacky notes into mediocre cars

that I force you to design,

until you finally retire an unfulfilled,

sad shell of an artist...

that's all the revenge I need.

Have a great day.