01x04 - Didion Hell

[bunniefuu]

(ENGINE REVVING)

(UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYING)

I'm telling you, G,

if my life was a movie,
it'd be a f*cking classic.

Your typical rags-to-riches tale.

Mm-hmm. (CHUCKLES)

We eat organic. We have coffee colonics.

I can't believe I used
to drink that stuff.

I should've just been
putting it up my ass.

(CHUCKLES)

Stool so firm, if I threw
it at you, you'd catch it.

- GLORIA: Hmm.
- Nothing on your hands.

Mm-mm.

COSTELLO JONES: Got lots of
free time to write my book

- like those posh b*tches do.
- (GLORIA CHUCKLING)

COSTELLO: And all the
celebs live around here.

Stood behind Nicolas
Cage in the post office

- the other day.
- GLORIA: Who?

COSTELLO: I've even got a job
in a bookshop that sells candles

- and tote bags.
- (GLORIA CHUCKLING)

Ugh. It's everything I ever wanted.

Protection, polished wood floors.

Every Le Creuset pan in volcanic orange.

- (CHUCKLES)
- (COSTELLO GROANS)

f*cking love this life.

GLORIA: No, no, no, no, no!

(ALL SCREAM)

(MUSIC FADES)

- (PIANO PLAYING)
- (METRONOME TICKING)

GLORIA: Wow, she's good.

COSTELLO: Teacher says she's a natural.

Only been playing a few months.

- Hmm.
- (CHUCKLES)

- Thank you for having me.
- SELBY: Hmm.

IRIS: I told you it was a good thing

to come down here, didn't I?

- Mm-hmm. (CHUCKLES)
- Lovely to see you, Gloria.

- Bring Paul next time.
- IRIS: Hmm.

(WHISPERS) Cannot believe
she just hugged you.

Where is Paul? Thought
he'd moved in with you?

(GROANS)

Yeah, I don't know how much
road there's left to run.

You know me. Six months and I'm gone.

(GROANS) I wish you could be happy.

(CHUCKLES)

- COSTELLO: Oh, come back soon.
- It suits you out here.

- Hmm.
- GLORIA: Weirdly.

Are you sure you won't stay for supper?

- Supper? What's happened to you?
- (CHUCKLES)

Ugh. Go f*ck yourself

- and your supper. (LAUGHS)
- (COSTELLO LAUGHS)

(HORN HONKING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(CHUCKLES)

- Sorry. Sorry, just one thing.
- Hmm?

- What? (CHUCKLES)
- Our life is perfect, isn't it?

Yes. It is.

- Iris is happy?
- Oh, God, yes.

We should start the adoption soon?

(UTENSILS CLATTER)

- Yeah we should.
- She'd like that, wouldn't she?

COSTELLO: She'd love that!

And neither of you will ever
have to worry about money,

ever again. I presume at some point,

Allegra will actually die,

and that is when we hit the jackpot.

You're everything she wants.

- The three of us.
- (WHIMPERS)

- Let's do it. (LAUGHS) Aw!
- (LAUGHS, KISSES)

- ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
- ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

(PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING)

- ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
- ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

- ♪ Happy birthday, dear Iris ♪
- ♪ Happy birthday, dear Iris ♪

- ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
- ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

- COSTELLO: Whoo-hoo! (KISSES)
- Yay!

♪ For she's jolly good fellow ♪
♪ For she's jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For she's a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ And now get on the horse ♪

- ♪ And now get on the horse ♪
- ♪ And now get on the horse ♪

- ♪ And now get on the horse ♪
- ♪ And now get on the horse ♪

- ♪ And now get on the horse ♪
- ♪ And now get on the horse ♪

- Oh! Can I have some?
- (CHUCKLES)

- Whose is it?
- Mine.

- Ours.
- (PENSIVE MUSIC FADES)

- IRIS: Where's it from?
- Well, my wages.

And what are you saving it for?

(SIGHS)

Do you remember, Bubba,

when we didn't have anywhere to live?

- Mm-hmm.
- COSTELLO: Yeah,

well, mummy doesn't ever
want that to happen again.

No, I don't ever want
to leave this place.

COSTELLO: Me neither. But just in case.

Hey, I tell you what.

Do you know what free people have?

Come here. I'll tell you.

Come here. Come closer.

- (SHOUTS) Money! (LAUGHS)
- Oh, my gosh!

- Bad mum. (CHUCKLES)
- (LAUGHS) Sorry.

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

SELBY: "It's getting dark,

we better get back to the burrow."

"Back to the burrow?" whimpered Fiver.

"It'll come there, I tell you,
the field is full of blood."

(CLOCK TICKING)

(PAPER RUSTLING)

(WHISPERS) I wish she was mine.

(WHISPERS) Me too. (GULPS)

I love her. So why won't
they let me adopt her?

Because you went to prison for a year

for nearly k*lling a man.

And the adoption people
have a very dim view of that.

Well, look at what
your family did to you.

No one stopped them being parents.

You love her.

- That's all that matters.
- Is it?

This family isn't real.

It's a wonderful lie.

(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)

(DOOR OPENING, CLOSING)

(SIGHS)

(METRONOME TICKS)

(PIANO PLAYING)

Have you eaten?

Would you like anything?

How long are you gonna keep this up?

You haven't spoken to me for two weeks.

Psychopath.

Things are good?

Hmm?

You're deranged.

Why have you always got
to f*ck everything up?

You're the one attacking me
with sourdough. (CLEARS THROAT)

I'm gonna call Allegra.
Tell her you're not well.

Because I can't stand
to converse with you?

I'm gonna tell her that
you need serious help,

so that you don't go nuts again,
like your daddy. (CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES) Okay. Okay.

Wanna talk about families,
do you? Come on. Let's go.

Okay, what you gonna do?
What you gonna say? Go on.

- Give it your best sh*t.
- (CLICKS TONGUE)

- Uh...
- Oh, hang on a sec.

Oh, she's forwarded you
straight to voice mail.

Oh. (CHUCKLES) Okay. I'll
tell you what I'm gonna do.

(CLICKS TONGUE) I'm gonna
go and see your mother.

- Today.
- No.

I'm gonna tell her how she f*cked you up

and how I'm the one who's
left to deal with your sh*t.

COSTELLO: No, I deal with mum,

- that's for me to do.
- (SCOFFS)

- How you gonna stop me?
- (RYTHMIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(PIANO PLAYING)

(AIR HISSES)

- (AIR HISSING)
- (LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)

Very good, very good. You
going to s*ab me too, are you?*

- Of course not.
- SELBY: That's very good.

It's a bit excessive, don't you think?

You're not thinking straight.

I can't have you drive like this.

You'll end up wrapped
round a tree. You're mental.

Oh, I'm... I'm mental,
am I? You're a lunatic!

I love you but you're both crazy.

I'm only ten, you know?

("BABY'S GOT A BAD IDEA" BY
JUSTIN TOWNES EARLE PLAYING)

♪ Baby's got a bad idea ♪
♪ I can see it in her eyes ♪

(COSTELLO LAUGHING)

♪ She wanna hide it ♪
♪ But she can't ♪

♪ No matter how hard she tries ♪

♪ Baby's acting like a kid... ♪

IRIS: What is that?

♪ Lord, she's playing games with me ♪

- IRIS: Oh, my God.
- (LAUGHS)

- Go, go. Oh, no!
- (LAUGHS)

♪ These days to play hide and seek ♪

♪ Maybe if I were a better man... ♪

COSTELLO: Whoo! Whoo! (CHUCKLES)

♪ She wouldn't walk away from me ♪

(LAUGHS)

♪ I could keep her close to me ♪
♪ Baby's got a hold on me ♪

- (MUSIC FADES)
- (BIRDS SQUAWKING)

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

Uh. Just remind me, why
are we having this party?

- For Iris.
- (SCOFFS) No!

No. This is for you.

This is to show off your lie of a life.

(MIMICS) "Look how well I've done."

Well, nobody wants your silly party.

And everyone around here
thinks you're a joke.

(DOOR OPENING, SLAMMING SHUT)

- (URINE TRICKLING)
- (GROANS)

Went on one of my long drives,
ended up at the Farmers' Market.

Asparagus. I just do not eat enough.

Lightly fried in extra virgin,
pinch of pepper, pink salt.

Just simple.

But digestion is tricky, isn't it?

Stomach breaks down the acid, you see

and converts it to sulfur.

- (SNIFFS)
- (URINE STOPS)

- Well played.
- (ZIPPER ZIPS)

Like the morning breath
of a Sudanese rent boy.

(SNIFFS) Yum, yum.

- (WATER SPLASHING)
- (SELBY BREATHES DEEPLY)

Sometimes I think it might
be easier if we were both dead

than to navigate this tricky situation

in which we find ourselves.

(MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY)

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

I think you're probably right.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(GASPS)

f*cking assh*le.

- Your mum looks really sad.
- (SMACK LIPS) She is sad.

They all are.

My mum cries in Ibiza,

she cries at every
single music festival.

She even cried for an entire weekend

at Soho Farmhouse. And
no one ever cries there.

Yeah, but you'd be really stupid
to run away from this life.

(TOYS CLATTERING)

BETSY: (WHISPERING) Let
me tell you something.

They all dream of running away

but they never get
very far on their own.

(TOYS CLATTERING)

("DON'T ASK ME QUESTIONS" BY
GRAHAM PARKER & THE RUMOUR PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Hello, how are you?

- Hi. How are you?
- What the f*ck? Jesus.

Ah! Happy Halloween!

- Welcome to the home where nightmares are made...
- Wow! Oh, my God.

Selby, I've come as Nancy Spungen.

- (CHUCKLES) You have.
- (ZARA CHUCKLES)

Hey. You'd probably
quite like to bludgeon her

in a hotel room actually, wouldn't you?

- Uh, I've thought about it.
- (MOCKS)

- (ZARA LAUGHS)
- NEIL: Great party, man.

SELBY: Yes. Isn't it lovely?
Drinks, hang on, champagne.

Thank you, very... very good timing.

- Here you are! Happy...
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(CHUCKLES) Looking gorgeous, Costello.

Beautiful. Beautiful!

- COSTELLO: Oh! Oh, my gosh.
- (EXCITED CHATTER)

NANCY: Look at your legs!

- Sid. Nancy.
- (SID CHUCKLES)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(CHUCKLES)

(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

I can't believe I'm
gonna ask you this but,

- you know Paul?
- Paul, yes.

Paul, your live-in boyfriend
of over a year, I am familiar.

Yeah. Well, I don't want
to be with him anymore.

And... and I can't tell
him because he's a nice,

like a really, really nice
man, nicer than any of us.

And he's been through a lot so...

So, you want me to break
up with him on your behalf.

Am I catching your drift?

(SIGHS)

- It would be an honor.
- (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Just don't be too harsh on him.
He's a really, really nice man.

(SELBY CHUCKLES)

("SOUL SHOES" BY GRAHAM
PARKER & THE RUMOUR PLAYING)

♪ Well, I ain't got no worry ♪
♪ I ain't in no hurry ♪

♪ You better tell your mother ♪

- ♪ That you're a real Soul brother ♪
- Thank you.

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ I have to say ♪
♪ It's all right... ♪

- Oh!
- Oh, God! He's gonna sing.

(CHUCKLES)

- (RECORD SCRATCHES)
- (SONG STOPS)

- Boo! Put the music back on you.
- SELBY: f*ck you.

("CRUEL TO BE KIND"
BY NICK LOWE PLAYING)

For what is about to happen,
I sincerely apologize.

♪ Oh, I can't take another heartache ♪

♪ Though you say you're my friend ♪

♪ I'm at my wit's end ♪

♪ You say your love is bonafide ♪

♪ But that don't coincide ♪
♪ With the things that you do ♪

♪ And when I ask you ♪
♪ To be nice ♪

♪ You say you've gotta be ♪
♪ Cruel to be kind ♪

♪ In the right measure ♪

♪ Cruel to be kind ♪
♪ It's a very good si... ♪

- (RECORD SKIPPING)
- ♪ Cruel to be kind, it's a... ♪

♪ Cruel to be kind, it's a... ♪

♪ Cruel to be kind, it's a... ♪

♪ Cruel to be kind, it's a... ♪

♪ Cruel to be kind, it's a... ♪

♪ Cruel to be kind, it's a... ♪

♪ Cruel to be kind, it's a... ♪

♪ Cruel to be kind, it's a... ♪

♪ Cruel to be kind, it's a... ♪
- (SELBY CHUCKLES)

♪ Cruel to be kind, it's a... ♪

♪ Cruel to be kind, it's a... ♪

♪ Cruel to be kind, it's a... ♪

♪ Cruel to be kind, it's a... ♪

- Well played.
- ♪ Cruel to be kind, it's a... ♪

♪ Cruel to be kind, it's a... ♪

♪ Cruel to be kind, it's a... ♪

♪ Cruel to be kind, it's a... ♪

♪ Cruel to be kind, it's a... ♪

- (SWITCH CLICKS)
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING ON PIANO)

♪ You tell me you can't walk alone... ♪

Can we just... Can we
please just stop this?

(DRINK POURING)

- COSTELLO: We love each other.
- (BOTTLE CLATTERS)

We just... We both love Iris.

We can make this work.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

♪ You look to me for your
answers, don't you... ♪

I can leave.

If that is what you want,
we can... We can leave.

I've got money, it doesn't matter.

- Doesn't matter.
- You can't leave.

I would never... I would never
stop you from seeing Iris.

No. You can't leave
because your money is gone.

I gambled it away.

(CHUCKLES)

(BOTH LAUGH)

SELBY: Everything from your little box.

It's the best feeling in the world.

Never felt self-loathing like it.

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

(GUESTS CHATTER, LAUGH)

(SOBS) He's taken my money.
I want my f*cking money.

- I want my f*cking money!
- (SONG FADES)

- (GRUNTS, SOBS)
- (GUESTS CLAMOR)

How could you? f*cking... (GRUNTS, SOBS)

- (SELBY GROANS)
- (COSTELLO SOBS)

(COUGHS) Oh! (LAUGHS)
f*ck, I love Halloween.

(LAUGHS) We don't celebrate
nightmares nearly enough.

- (SOBS, SNIFFLES)
- (SIGHS)

I'm gonna give you all a
f*cking Halloween to remember.

Out my f*cking way, right now!

(CHUCKLES)

- (GLASS SHATTERS)
- f*ck off!

- (BOTTLE SHATTERS)
- (LAUGHS MANICALLY)

f*ck!

(CHUCKLES, GROANS)

- (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
- (CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

- (SOBS)
- (SELBY CHUCKLES)

- f*ck! (SOBS)
- (CHUCKLES)

- (SOBS)
- Go on. Go on.

- (PAN CLATTERS)
- (SELBY LAUGHS)

Darling, it's never gonna break.

it's Le Creuset, it's
a lifetime guarantee.

- (GRUNTS, SNIFFLES)
- (PAN RATTLES)

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

(SOBS)

- No, no, no, no! No, no, no!
- (HORN HONKING)

- God damn it. Stop!
- (HORN HONKING)

Stop!

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Stop.

(SOBS)

- Stop.
- COSTELLO: (SOBS) Come here.

- (SOBS)
- Stop.

(SHUSHES)

(SOBS)

- (SNIFFLES, GULPS)
- (SHUSHES)

(SNIFFLES, EXHALES)
What are we gonna do now?

- (COSTELLO SOBS)
- Follow my lead.

We're going to pretend none
of this has happened. Okay?

- Okay? (SHUSHES)
- (SNIFFLES)

- (SOBS, GULPS)
- Well...

Costello and I hope you've
had a great time this evening.

We do hope this can become a
regular event in the village.

Yes, thank you for coming.
It's been absolutely wonderful.

Now, the witching hour is
nearly upon us, so I suggest

we all drive ever so
safely home and go to bed.

Thank you for coming.
Thank you for coming.

(GROANS)

(CLOCK TICKING)

(ALARM CHIMING)

(GROANS)

(LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS)

(PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING)

- (CAR DOOR CLOSES)
- (ENGINE REVVING)

("BABY'S GOT A BAD IDEA" BY JUSTIN
TOWNES EARLE PLAYING ON RADIO)

♪ Baby's got a bad idea ♪
♪ I can see it in her eyes... ♪

♪ She wanna hide it but she can't ♪

♪ No matter how hard she tries ♪

♪ Baby's acting like a kid ♪

♪ Lord she's playing games with me ♪

♪ Oh but, I'm much too
old a man these days ♪

♪ To play hide and seek... ♪

- (CAR SWITCH CLICKS)
- (SONG STOPS)

(MELANCHOLIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(MELANCHOLIC MUSIC FADES)