01x02 - California College Conservative Union Caucus

[bunniefuu]

Together we're building a better, brighter tomorrow? All in favor? All opposed? Voted down! Okay people, we've been doing this for an hour, now.

We need a theme for next year.

Tim, I feel like the "together" sounds kind of socialist
- What you got here?
- Instructions.

See, Since this is an underage function I'll be serving a "Virgin Manhattan", we call the "Rudy Giuliani," and this right here.

Good old virgin "Freedom
-Tini.

" How is it? Sweet and innocent, with its whole life ahead of it.

Well, You could at make it a mix tape before you take its virginity.

Just aging it up a bit.

It's in its thirties now.

So all in favor of "a brighter, better tomorrow?"
- Aye!
- Aye.

Hey Henry, you're not still down in the dumps, about this whole hollywood thing are you? When you've been in the acting business as long as I have, you see that everything comes and goes in cycles.

You're up, you're down.


- Yeah, I mean, I quit so
- You sound like my friend Ed.

Now Ed was an actor.

And tried and tried and never got that magic role.

He worked nights at a copy store, lived in a terrible apartment, filled with roaches, but he never gave up.

Then, on his sixtieth birthday, he said, "that's it, I quit I can't do this anymore.

" Guess what happened a week later?
- He got discovered?
- He d*ed.

Dreams are our life force.

He just dropped dead? He was on Venice pier and some tourist asked him to tak their picture.

He backed up too far,
- Hang in there.


- Okay.

Okay, okay people, listen up.

Not only are we serving the leaders of tomorrow, who probably will be your bosses someday, but also Ah
-nold.

The governator will be making an appearance.

Yeah, we're gonna hang with Ah
-nold.

No, we have been specifically asked to not hang with Arnold.

Okay so no schmoozing, no giving him scripts, no nada.

Okay it's Arnold we're professionals, okay and smiles, Henry that means you.

What's that? Husband sent it to prove I can pursue my comedy career in vermont.


- Burlington has a comedy troupe.


- "The Yucks.

" Are they supposed to be funny or disgusting? Funny.

See, "yucking it up since 1992.

" So, you're going? He's house hunting over there and I'm here thinking it over.


- Yeah, what are you thinking?
- I'm thinking Vermont? And then I'm also thinking about this Comedy Central Show that I'm really positive that I'm gonna get.

Like I feel really good about it.

And so I don't know, I just don't want to give up on everything so soon, you know? You want my advice?
- Just don't, don't fuss.


- Oh honey, you want ribs? You know what I like about you conservatives? Meat.

A lot of these wussy parties we do, it's chicken, it's quiche.

Veggie platters.


- Honest red meat.


- Yes, american beef.

It true what they say about your ladies? Prim outside, but they att*ck in the sack? Get real nasty, scratch and sh*t?
- What was that.


- Nothing, sweetie, I completely understand.

Thank you,
- Walk with me.


- Yes Jeffrey, how can I help you? Right, I totally understand.

Thank you so much for keeping us in the loop, Dan.

I really appreciate it.

Okay, Bye.

Okay, that was the governor's lead man.

The governor is gonna be late, so we need to move the buffet back.

Constance chaffing dishes on warmers and we will pace the appetizers as well.

Hey, Dennis, Jeffery, Hi, listen.

I'm in the hall governor's pushed an hour.

Right, thanks, bye.

Arnold, that's very exciting.

How'd you get him? Let me tell you something, Ron.

There is a simple formula for success, and I followed it.

"Work hard and you succeed.

" There it is, and that's why you're president.


- I'm the secretary.


- Secretary, Answering phones, sitting at a desk No, not like a "secretary.

" No, not like a female.


- It's the number 3 executive position.


- Third best, very good.


- It's a bronze, bronze medal.


- Tell ya I'm gonna be president next year.

I can assure you.

Greg Meers thinks he can win it with looks.


- You need more than that.


- I'm gonna teach him otherwise.

Ever read the book "where the blood flows?" So too goes the victor.


- I have not I have to write that down.


- Walk with me.

Because when the governor comes For God's sake, Ron.

This is supposed to be off limits, come on.

Kyle,
- Okay, was it the eyebrow?
- Kyle this room is off limits.

Thank you.


- Simple as that.


- Nobody can be in here who isn't authorized.

You understant that? Nobody okay? There are important papers here, items of value.

Look at that.

Custom made for the governor.

Engraved.

He'll be impressed.

Yes he will, yes he will.

And my name goes in his rolodex.

Networking.

Name of the game.

You flag's a little dirty.

Ron, this a very special gift from one of our members currently stationed with our forces in the middle east, okay.

It's from a convoy that came under enemy fire.

No, don't do that you gotta be careful.

Because a flag is folded according to very specific rules.

Right that's That's what they do.

Cigars.

Arnold loves cigars! That's right, Don Targas, cubain.

Best in the world.

Can I just say, I am right there with you and arnold.

Personal responsibility, small business, future small business owner myself Soup'r Crackers.

All you can eat soup.

I'm practically the embodiment of arnold's life philosophy.

Jeffery, I would love to just shake his hand.

You know just to say "Leaders of tomorrow", my ass.

Only thing any of these dorks're gonna lead is a circle jerk.

You know what I mean? f*ckers! God damit! So, thanks to you,
- I didn't get the palisades.


- Well boo, f*ckin' hoo.


- What's this?
- Hey!
- Come on give that back man.


- What, You're gonna slip that to Arnold?
- Don't f*ckin' wrinkle it!
- I just wanna see it bro.


- You're pissing me off
- A terror bird?
- You can read.

Oh my god.


- It's so dumb.

You've no idea what you're talking about.


- A terrifying bird?
- Wrong.

I mean, yes.

It's called phorusrhacids, it's a ten foot tall prehistoric man
-eating bird, okay? Velociraptor's was maybe six feet, at the most.

And "Jurassic Park" made,
- a billion dollars?
- Who's scared of a bird? You would be if it was picking out your guts with a giant beak.

Constance, How big would a bird have to be for you like to be supper scare of it.

I don't know, a hundred feet, two hundred I don't know, I'm sorry Kyle.

I can't think straight right now and that's such a good question.

But I'm so mad I just heard one of those fascist make a gay joke.

And I'm just beside myself.

f*ckin' intolerance blows.


- What're you doing here?
- I am gonna spit on the appetizers.

I can't remember which he was eating.

There's other things we can do than spit.

Like what, I love spitting.

I know but if you just point him out to me.

I will take care of it.


- Hi, Freedom
-Tini.


- Straight Old
-Fashion regular.

What I think is more important is changing the culture of politics I agree a hundred percent.

I mean No more defeatism or business as usual.

Exactly and that's why I feel like what we're doing is
- really making the difference
- Are you sick? It's just a pain
-k*ller.

You okay, anything broken? Ah just my career and my life.

So I abuse pain
-K*llers and drink too much.

Defeatism, I know.

I'm a liberal, it's not your problem though.

So Freedom
-Tini and Old Fashion, their you go.


- So what're you, an actor or something?
- Was I quit.

You quit? Seemed like the only dignified thing to do.

Boy, If you think there's anything dignified about quitting.

Well the undignified part comes when I move back in with my parents.

Mined if I give you a little advice? Sure.

When I use to feel like quitting my father would say this.

Jim Abbott.

Great man.


- That's the advice? Jim Abbott.


- Yeah, Jim Abbott, born with one hand.

He went on to pitch in the majors.


- You can Tell him about Oscar Pistorius.


- Sprinter, no legs.

Maybe You've heard of Max Cleland? Yes, Didn't let being a multiple amputee, stop him from becoming a US senator.


- Of course I disagreed with his politics.


- Me too, but he didn't quit,
- that's the point I'm trying to make.


- Sure and I've got all parts.

Right, see it's a choice.

You can chose to be a victim, or you can chose to achieve your goals.

Freedom of choice.

And that, is what makes this country so great.

Schrimp? That's very un
-pc that's not what I meant.

No, even if you did miss, We're not the pc police.

So you don't have to worry about it, you know.

Freedom of speech, that is what makes this country so great.

Why don't you just go ahead and say it.


- Say it?
- You're a shrimp, say it.


- You're s shrimp.


- I know, and that's why I try harder.


- Jim Abbott.


- Exactly.

That's right, thank you.


- Cheers.


- Cheers.


- I don't okay.


- I apologize I just found out I didn't get the Comedy Central gig.


- Sorry,
- Making it the fourth thing in a row where they're like, "you're the girl.

" And then zero.


- Of course that sucks.


- I think Maybe I am gonna quit.

You should do it, I'm a quitter, it's fun.


- You look like
- One last thing, nobody ever accomplished anything by quitting.

What if Ronald Regan quit?
- Quit acting, he did.


- Yeah That's actually where I got the idea.

I get to shake hands with Arnold.

I need you to take a picture.

Wait how come you get to shake his hands with Arnold
- if we're not allowed to say anything?
- It's different, it's their idea! Oh man, what're you gonna think when you walk into a Soupr'Crackers and you see is me shaking hands with Arnold Schwarzenegger! f*ck am doing in a Soupr'Crackers.

I need a cigar.

I gotta get a cigar.

These guys got Arnold Schwarzenegger these Don Targas, Cuban cigars.

Best in the world Wait, we're giving the conservative governor communist cigars? It's a free market issue! Why not give him the best cigars? Because we can't condone communism, Jeffrey.

Communism? Communism.

Obviously, That's not a message we want to send to the governor,
- or to the nation
- You know what we'll voted, Okay, bottom line.

We give a new gift or we'll give him the cigars.

I don't see why you had to open your mouth.

This makes me look bad.

I am so sorry Henry! Smiles, dammit.

Excuse me, is this yours? You dropped
- Yes sorry.


- You know The Yucks?
- You know The Yucks?
- Yes, I know The Yucks, I'm from St.

George, outside Burlington.


- Oh Weird.


- I saw them a bunch of times.


- And they're super funny.


- Really? Yeah, are you going to Vermont?
- My husband got a job there.


- Oh, so you're moving.

Maybe, I don't know.

What's it like there? There he is that assh*le in the argyle.

He made the gay joke.

All right, now the thing with prejudice? You just gotta throw it right back in their face.

Watch and learn.


- Hey guys, shrimp puffs?
- Thanks.

Hey, you know any gay jokes? Gay jokes? I just heard you knew an awesome good gay joke.


- Yeah, yeah I do.


- Cool.

So these two gay guys go the fair, and one of them says "let's go on the ferris wheel," and the other says "no, no, you go, I'm afraid if heights" so the one guy goes, and he's going around and around, but suddenly the car snaps off and falls to the ground, The other gay guy runs up, and is like, are you hurt?" And the guy says "of course I'm hurt, I waved three times and you never waved back.

" Well, guess what.

I'm gay.

Really? So am I.

I'm not really gay.

Everybody listen up, so by a one vote margin, the Cuban cigars are rejected, unfortunately.

Can you arrange a different gift, please.


- Thank you Jeffery.


- Thanks Jeff.

Wait a minute.

Look at that? Todd voted?
- What?
- But todd can't vote.

Exactly it's a tie.

We gotta a tie.

And A tie is broken by the vice president and I am the vice president so That didn't work, he's gay.

What is this jim crow? I can't believe what I'm hearing here
- What?
- That black guys vote doesn't count? And that's okay with all of you?
- Now miss you don't
- what I don't have the right to speak? Because I'm a woman.

Is that what you're trying to tell me? Hey todd is from Toronto.

Non
-citizens can't vote, It's in the bylaws.


- I'm so sorry.


- And since when Is Toronto is not apart of the United States of America? Todd why are you even here? These people hate you! And you gay guy, have some self respect.

They wanna silence my voice as a woman.

And if you help them Ron you are as bad as they are.

Constance, I totally understand and I totally respect your voice as a woman.


- Thank you.


- I just think for now, to help us be professional, you should just stay back here work with the food don't talk okay? Ron, now.

I need to just hey this is a giant step back.

Damit! Gosh darn f*ck! Didn't I say nobody's allowed in here, didn't I say that?
- What are you doing in here?
- Nothing.

Roman, this room is off limits! I told you, I specifically told you that.

I told him.

So get out! Of the room.

And I had no idea Constance was a liberal these are excuses, Ron! I don't want excuses.

I want results
- I'm so, so sorry
- Don't apologize, don't, don't apologize! Let me tell you something, You know what my father used to say me? When I was just a kid.

He use to say "Jeffery, there are two kinds of people" in this world there're achievers and f*ck
-ups.


- What do you wanna be?
- I want to be an achiever.

That's what I thought, then Do what I say no excuses, okay? I need you to get a case of Daniel Marshall cigars.

Made in the USA.

Replace the Don Targas with those.

Okay? Go.

If you miss him, we'll mail 'em.

Daniel marshall what do you mean, miss him? Roman.

I swear to god if you ask me to go out there and apologize to those pigs, I will s*ab you in the face.

Forget about the conservatives.

I need you to run out sand I need you to get me a box of Daniel Marshall cigars as quickly as possible
- There for Arnold.


- Do I get to meet him? I'll introduce you but you cannot speak.

Okay Go, go Not only is this against the rules, but you got sauce on an american flag.

You know the rules, what'am I gonna say? Don't eat their food.

Okay that, too.

So that's three things.

So that's triple probation for you.

sh*t.

Hey love you.

Nice.

So those guys called you a quitter? These guys are a bunch of losers too.

I don't know, they seem like a pretty together bunch.

They're fooling themselves.

You think all this bullshit about hard work and achieving means something, but it doesn't.

The universe is completely random.

Particles colliding at random.

Blind chance.

So you didn't make it.

No big deal, it's not your fault, sh*t's random.

Thanks Roman.

I feel a lot better.

You got it.

When I'm huge, I'm gonna really enjoy f*ckin' with these perverts.

Mothafucker!
- Hey Ron, I got the cigars.


- Come on get down, get down! Please, tell me you got the Daniel Marshalls.

Oh yeah, they had Daniel Marshalls.

The store manager, told me to get you these.

Don Targas from Cuba.

These are the best in the world! Take off the labels, pour the box into the briefcase.

Two freedom
-tinis.

I need a bottle of grain alcohol and a lighter.

What? Just do it and come with me.

Please.

Okay, look for dirt.

Rocks.

Anything grimy.

Ashes.

Ashes would be good.

Or like cinders or like just dark dust.

Dark dust would be good.

Ashes would be nice.

Cinders.

Cinders would be cinders would be good.

What are you doing? They had this flag, special flag from a battle in Iraq.

They wanted to give it to the governor,
- and something happened to it.


- So what We're gonna get drunk and desecrate this one? What am I speaking another goddam language? The governor's gonna be here any minute, okay, we need to make it look like this flag has been under fire.

Tear it up, dirty it up, b*llet holes, burns.

Give me the booze and give me your lighter.

That's when we'd go to these orchards and pick apples.

I know it's corny, but it's just so pretty.

And the air is all crisp.

And you get seasons, you know, I miss seasons.

I miss seasons, too.

And it is really pretty.

But it's boring right, come on? It's so boring, it's small.

I've lived there for 18 years.

I wasn't bore a single day.

There you are.

This is Casey.

I was just telling her how great Vermont is.

She's gonna move to Burlington.


- So, you are gonna quit.


- Her husband got a job there.

I was just saying how good a place it is to raise a family and stuff.

Right, great.


- We're moving back after graduation.


- No way.

Actually, we're gonna go to D.

C.

I got that internship.


- What?
- I thought you'd be excited.

So, when I my internship, you were all for family values and Vermont.

But now that you have your internship, it's OK.


- Seriously.


- We're moving to Vermont, Greg.

That was the plan, screw D.

C.


- How could you be so selfish.


- It's selfish to work hard and succeed? What does your career have to do with us? Family values Greg, that's what made this country great.

What the f*ck? You don't have to run around man.

Don't just stand there.

Come on Henry, you could be two things in life You can be an achiever or you can be a f*ck
-up.


- Which one are you being now?
- I'm an achiever! Okay, then I am definitely a f*ck
-up, and standing here watching you light a flag on fire in a parking lot, I feel kind of okay about it.

Henry don't be a quitter, don't be a quitter, do something.

Do something.

You can put that one next to you and Arnold shaking hands.


- I am so, so sorry.


- You're sorry?
- You were burning an American flag.


- For Arnold Schwarzenegger.

And this lighter it's even mine, it's Henry's.


- No it's not.


- Liar.


- What did I say about excuses, huh?
- You're against them
- I'm against tham.


- Hate them.

Excuse me gentlemen, is one of you Jeffrey Elles? That's me.

Hi, Dan Wisner, with the governor's office.

The governor's been held up on a legislative emergency.

And won't be able to come, but I wanted to thank you for Part of our gift for Governor Schwarzenegger Anyone know how to fold this? So, no Arnold, right? You know being in there, it was like 1776, and I was the janitor in constitution hall.

It was
- Tt was amazing.


- Well, it sounds amazing.

So Vermont seemed okay.

Vermont sounded very okay.

It's very nice.

I liked it, in you know what, a family values kind of way.

It's not really Vermont, that's the problem.


- What's the problem?
- My whole thing.

Like the whole, "Don't tell me what to do.

" You know which makes me automatically very anti
-family values.

You know and then there's the "If I give up my career "I'd become a weak
-willed quitter.

" Well you see, that is why I was never a conservative.

Because you can win with these guys.


- You can't win with them.


- It's impossible.

Nearly impossible.

Do you want my advice cause you kind of
- It seems like you do now.


- I don't want your advice.

You're a quitter, why would I take the advice of a quitter?
- I prefer f*ck up.


- A f*ck up.

Well, f*ck up,
- I already know what you're gonna say.


- Or really? What am I gonna say? You're gonna say, go do the family values thing.

Go do that, don't become me, don't follow this path.

No, no, no, no, actually I think you should stay.

Really? Naw, just kidding.

"Terror bird."