01x07 - Brandix Corporate Retreat

[bunniefuu]

Is there anyone in the hallway? You okay? What's this? It's your job you have to help me with this f*cking bullshit It's good but I like that one better, because I look smarter, what do you think? I have no thoughts.

Hey Henry, you use to be an actor.

Look at these two.

Which one do you think represents me best for drama? This one which I really like or this one which makes me look a little smarter
- for some reason.


- Which one Henry? Whoever put out those napkins should have their head examined.

What are you guys doing? Why do you have a picture of John Rivers?
- Why are you sitting there?
- I prepped my thing, I'm done.

You're done, you're done? How about you help with the chafers, okay? How about you you know what, how about we all help how about we do a little, teamwork here, okay? And we prepped trays as a unit.

Together, teamwork.


- You're late.


- Okay, this is awesome.


- Why I'm I holding this?
- This amazing parlor game.

Is this the one where you make up your own words to a tv theme sound? Sort of but check it out, okay.

Roman is going to write a number, I'm going to guess it.

Think of the number of times you've seen the movie "300"
- and write it down.


- This is bullshit.

Come on I just need the number for the game it's really fun.


- Write down a number.


- Come on write it down.

I'm not looking.

Write it down.

When you're finished fold it and pass it to Henry.

Very nice.

Why am I involved in this all of a sudden? Okay, I lied, this is a test actually to see if you're gay.

Because if you've seen the movie "300" more than once you're gay.

Oh come on, nobody's doing nothing, what the hell? What's the fascination this? This right here? Actually can we just hold on to that for a second?
- I need to prep that trays.


- Can you read the thing, Not a chance.


- One thing written on the paper.


- It's got to be so important, right?
- What does it say?
- It's not important.


- Six.


- Dude! You're gay! Gay! So awesome! Here, this is pretty cool, right? Come on, come on, come on, come on! That's good! You got the kiddy! The "300" was the number of hippeis, the king's personal bodyguards So like the king was like really into hot dudes and stuff.

You don't know what you're talkin' about.

I have no idea what the f*ck is going on in there.

Yeah well, this is what's going on out here.

That's not weird! They're elite,
- it makes since they're elite!
- Little speedos they wore? They actually fought bare naked, so speedos are way less gay.

Hey guys, did you see him?
- Who?
- Rick Fox, he's the guest speaker.

On what topic? How the wealth I made from my pituitary abnormality relates to the dipshit corporate hell.

I took food to his hotel suite I saw him, I gotta tell you I got one word for him.

Wow, what? The dude plays basketball.

That's game for children Rick Fox? The actor? Great job, great job! People right? All right, half hour for refreshments and powertalk, then we're outside for scavenger hunt! And don't forget self
-review.

This is not a retreat, it's an event! Right come on!
- Here you go.


- Thanks.


- Got any beer?
- Yep.

Congratulations.

Yeah, "thinking outside the boxing.

" Second place.

Wait a minute,
- "are we having fun yet?"
- "Having fun yet?" Yes that was me.

Emphasis on the was.

What're you do now?
- I'm still trying to figure that out.


- Well, we're hiring in sells.

Okay, so in 01, you're 44 percent from the field, then in 02 you're 42, 03, 42, and then boom, in 04, you're 39 percent from the field and 25 percent on three pointers.

Is that a question?
- I'm just saying.


- Mr.

Fox? Those pot stickers you asked about are here.

Excuse me.


- That was just in time.


- Yeah, that guy, man.

We don't have pot stickers, though, sorry.

What about a book of business jokes? I wrote my speech thinking these guys did overnight delivery.


- Well, what do they do?
- "Office management solutions.

" I don't know what that is? I don't either.

Hey, how's it going? You run all this, huh? It's just great stuff.

Great, inspirational.

Teamworkz fun building.

Doug Beaks.

Ron.

And you feel this works for team unity? Teamwork.

Because I'm a team leader myself, you know, service industry, customer service.

I just feel like they're not functioning as a real team.

You know and it makes me just I was wondering if maybe, when you're done here, you could run my guys through a few drills.

Well, half days start at two thousand dollars.

So, if you're interested, you give me a call, okay?
- Okay, okay.


- Okay, great.

Thank you.

Okay, how about this? "I amd so happy to be here because I just sat in office management and I need an office management solution.

" That's so terrible, I'm embarrassed that I said that out loud.

How about, "Hey I'm so happy to be here right now, because I never had any idea how many people it takes to make a useless product that nobody needs.

"
- You should be a comedian.


- I should be a comedian, that's what I keep telling my stand
-up comedian agent.

Do you have a sit
-down comedian agent.

Look at you? I mean, you're the comedian.

Why would anyone pay money to see Rick Fox speak on any topic? Well, he's a winner, Roman.

And people want hear what winners have to say.

A winner is like arthur C.

Clark, or Stephen Hawking or Kafka.

He's just some eight feet tall freak.

When did you turn so completely against Rick Fox? A, he was over
-rated on the Lakers, and B, and b, he's all over Casey like a f*ckin' sleaze.

You're jealous of Rick Fox.

That's hilarious.


- Three beers.


- Why would I wanna be a 18 foot tall octopus arm freak? No, maybe cause he's talkin' to your girlfriend, ugh.

You're a f*ckin' infant and idiot.

Listen up, listen up.

We got an hour get away.

We got an hour downtime during their scavenger hunt.

I want everyone in the conference room three o'clock sharp.

Team meeting.

Why, what what the f*ck? Why are we having a meeting all of a sudden? Oh god, can't you just say yes Ron? Okay, I'll be there.

We have a meeting.

I'll tell you at th meeting.

Look at that Rick Fox.

I can't believe Rick Fox is here.

Part of a championship team.

Got another one? Okay everybody, grab you partners! Team scavenge starts in five! If you don't mind me asking, what do you do? I'm Sales manager.

Salesman.

I manage the team, development market research, account, customer account services overall, customer care in every dimension.

Are you interested in a job at Brandix? No, I don't know, I mean I guess What do you see in your wheelhouse? Going forward?
- I have nothing in my wheelhouse.


- How long were you an actor? Twelve, fifteen years Twelve to fifteen years that's experience.


- Really?
- Yeah that's sales.

I know, sales is just presentation.

It's playing a part.

"Are we having fun yet?" That's sales! Okay everybody! Come on let's go! And remember, this is not a retreat.

It's an event! All right, come on! Let's go I'm not gonna drink and scavenge, because hat would be irresponsible.


- All right, thank you.


- I'll keep it on ice.


- C
-A
-S E
-Y.


- E
-Y.

Yep.

Casey, I'll see you at the meeting? No idea what he's talkin' about.

Rick Fox is such a cockhole.

I can't believe Casey's gonna f*ck him.

Shut up, she's not.


- His suite's down there so.


- f*ck you, she would never not in a million years.

Dude that tall, I bet his d*ck's like two feet long.

Probably like f*cking a handsome giraffe.

He could be in one room f*cking her and in the other room reading a magazine.

I bet when he gets a boner it's it's like half a hula hoop.

Dude, why the f*ck do you think about sh*t like that? Are you are jealous? No, I don't want a hula hoop d*ck.

So you're cool when Rick Fox fucks Casey with his two foot giraffe d*ck
- you're cool with that?
- f*ck you.

Dude you're so jealous, it's lame.

Casey would never go out with a guy like you? Ever.

C'mon, or we're late for the meeting.

I gotta take a piss, see you there.

Where's everyone? That's what I'd like to know.

Have a seat.


- Where is everybody?
- Please, sit.

We're not gonna do team building drills, are we? Don't look at that, just have a seat.

And wait for the meeting to start.

Forget it, I'm gonna start without 'em and then they'll have to catch up.


- So, good afternoon.


- Good afternoon.

Team meeting, what is the first word in team meeting? It's team.


- Okay and I think we need to
- Okay this is definitely starting
- to sound like team building.


- Goddamit Henry.

Dude Team building, come on it's so lame.

Just sit down please and where's everybody? Where's Roman, where's Casey? Oh Roman's going to get her.

Where is she? Rick Fox's suite.

Hey are we gonna be doing some like role play or something? Hey, lost my key.

What he f*ck are you doing? I sorry.

Just holding a glass.

You dropped this.

f*ck.

More, more, more, more, stop, stop.


- Left.


- Left, okay.

sh*t! All right am I dead? No, but you have to loose a spoon.

I'm sorry! No, no, no don't be sorry this is great.

This is wonderful, this is about communication.

You said left, but left can mean a number of different things.

Constance, how could you have communicated with Kyle to guide him differently? I could have said "right.

" Or, "your left.

" Because sometimes you need to think outside yourself.

It's about communicating with others.

Did you hear that it's about communication.

I don't feel like you're involving yourself in communicating.

Go right.


- Okay, do I have to drop a spoon?
- Yes.


- f*ck, nice Henry.


- Where're you going? I'm going to find the other guys and tell 'em about this.

Now? I out one left, what do I do? Your left, my left.

Hello.

Roman.


- What are you doing?
- Henry, This is some disturbing sh*t.

Been here for like 20 minutes.

This guy is not a closer.

Oh god okay, what the f*ck Roman? What are you doing? What is that? I was you know I was I was ah looking for Casey.

To tell her about the meeting and everything.

Cause I don't think she heard about it.


- What are you doing here?
- Me? I was I was looking for you guys.

For the meeting.

So where is Casey? I thought she was with Rick Fox in his room so she's not in his room? I don't know I couldn't figure out which one was his.

Casey wouldn't you know, with a Rick Fox? I mean, I wouldn't think so.

Maybe I'll go to the front desk and see if I could get Fox's room number and tell Casey about the meeting.

That's a good idea.

Mr.

Fox.


- Did you see the maid?
- I'm actually looking for Casey, she's she has brown hair, she's kind of cabby.

She was just here, she left.


- Great.


- But hey, while you're here.

And she left her phone.

So for this root I did "Lethal w*apon," which was a huge influence on me, how Mel Gibson showed you could both be an action movie star, and show deep emotions.

You know cause of how his wife d*ed, and that made him like super reckless I sat next to Mel Gibson, that's this root.

Ah, there he is, where's Roman?
- Which are supposed to be beliefs
- I did branches as beliefs Start with the branches first.

We're making a "life
-trees.

" Life tree time, you know.

I guess it's not like a belief but I think Bono's awesome.

Okay finally, all right, the team is here, so let the team building begin.

Simple, open communication.

A common problem with any team is a failure to understand a team mates needs.

I'm going to toss the ball, whoever catches it, says an idea that would help improve the team.

First thing that pops into your head.

That way, we will understand each other better and it'll bring us closer to each other.

Okay? Come on Henry, first thing to pop into your mind.

How do you think we could improve the team? I wouldn't do anything, Ron.

Well, you have to.

Okay, pay us double.

We can't.

Toss the ball to somebody else.

I think we should each adopt a homeless person and care for him and making a difference in one person's life.

Not gonna happen, toss it to somebody else.

I think we should all focus on positivity in our work.

Good.

Positivity, that's very good.

Toss it! Positivity.

I think, Casey should be more discreet.


- What?
- Hold on, Roman has the ball.

Roman, a little insight on that one.

Discreet about what?
- Come on, you know.


- No, I don't know.

Sleeping around.

What? What is that supposed to mean? It's just a suggestion, to improve, the
- you know, team.


- It's suppose to mean
- that Roman's in love with you.


- Shut the f*ck up! That's not true.

Roman, Henry has the ball Henry, say something, toss the ball.

What business is it of yours what I do, Roman? And how did you even find out about that? What happened to not telling anybody? What the f*ck? Henry has the ball, Henry say something, toss it.


- You f*cked him?
- What does that have to do with you?
- Him?
- Yes! Why? Oh my god.

I told you there was f*ckin' a line, dude.

Henry, goddamit say something and toss the ball.

Okay, fine.

I've got something to say.


- Casey?
- Yeah? You left your phone in Rick Fox's room.

That's not a suggestion.

Casey shouldn't leave phones in Rick Fox's room.

Can I say one if I don't have the ball? So what, you're jealous, now?
- Just saying.


- Just saying, my god.

I can't believe you f*cked Henry and Rick Fox.

Is there anyone in the universe you haven't f*cked?
- I haven't f*ck anyone!
- Okay, people.

Stop.

You did say you f*cked Henry a lot.

I'm sensing a lot tension in the room, if you pass me the ball, I can maybe make a suggestion that will relieve some of the tension.

Nothing happened.

Do you understand that? Nothing.

Casey, toss the ball.

f*ck man.

Jesus, f*ck!
- That f*ckin' hurt!
- Good! Jesus Christ.

Come on! f*ck! I have the ball, and my suggestion is that you people realize that I'm making a genuine effort here, okay? And I, look at me, look at me.

No one on this team should f*ck anybody on the team! What are you doing? I don't understand you actually think that flirting with Rick Fox all day is not gonna make me slightly jealous? Henry, we talked about this on multiply occasions.

I know we did, but I didn't think that having a casual hook
-up agreement meant that I'm suppose to stop having feelings.

Sorry, no, no, that was just the most pathetic Hallmark card I've ever heard.


- Thank you.


- And guess what? Rick Fox offered me a ride back to Hollywood and I said yes.

Why, why? Not to have sex with him, you psycho.

It's so I can drive his car because it's a CLK and it's really fast and I've never done that before.


- What?
- So, deal with it.


- What's a CTS?
- A CLK! What's a CLK? What the fu? This material is the copyrighted property of Teamworkz fun building.

I was just borrowing it.

Guess what, I'm going to send a bill to Party Down in care of Ron.

My name's not Ron, it's Mark.


- Rick Fox, huh?
- Do I have anything in my teeth? You don't have, like, a card or something for me? Seriously? You're interested? I'm intrigued, I mean this a This isn't going anywhere.

We'll set something up call that number.

We'll sit down.


- Thank you.


- You'd be a sales natural, I swear.


- No mailroom.


- No, no, no mailroom.

All right? No.

I promise, you'd be a natural.

Call me.


- Thank you.


- All right, it's Rick Fox time.


- It's Rick Fox o'clock.


- Have fun.

I'm very glad to be here, because I just sat in some office management, and I need an office management solution.

Anybody Lakers fans? Steve's just in here and he'll be right with you in a moment.


- Thank you.


- Good luck.

Okay, great.


- What's your name?
- Henry.

All right, well, Karen, I'll looking for that fax.

You too.

Bye bye.

Steve Deetman.

How do you know the goocher? I'm sorry Who? Gary Gutenburg, you know
- We met at a party.


- Excellent, most excellent.


- Is he gonna be here?
- Oh, no, no, sorry, Gary's in fresno today, but he doesn't handle this kind of thing anyway.

So, that's my job so Anyway the goocher told me you're interested in sales, is that right? He said that, you know, that might be something that I would be suited for and What's up Brickman you f*ckin' douche bag!? Yeah, it's on the way.

All right, Brickman, by the way, the Spurs sucked my balls.

Just kidding, buddy.


- He's from Texas so
- I've never been there.

I know where you're going with this, we looking for people
- with skills and with smarts.


- Great.

Do you have any experience with telemarketing?
- Telemarketing?
- It's OK if you don't.

Don't sweat it.

Because, I did it the summer after my junior year, picked it up in a day.

Okay so Sitting in a cubicle and just making calls or Not really it's um It's more like a long table, that you'd be sitting at making calls so Ten bucks and hour, and you'll getting health benefits after your first year.

It's not the most glamorous job in the world, Henry.

But the goocher master told me that you needed something with absolutely no experience.

So this is what's on the table.

Let's see if you All right, you used to be an actor? It says here.

Oh, my god.

I'm gonna ask you one last question.

And this is the most important one of this whole interview, okay? "Are we having fun yet!?"