01x08 - Celebrate Ricky Sargulesh

[bunniefuu]

- So what? We're awkward now?
- Nope.

Who's awkward? Well, I'm not the one who's moping around all day and calling people whores just because they were talking to Rick Fox.

Roman called you a whore, I never called you a whore.


- That's what you were thinking.


- Alright, well, you were flirting
- quite a bit.


- Yeah.

Who cares? Do you care about that, 'cause I thought we agreed that this was casual and this was no hang up, so if you wanna turn this into the same miserable, jealous bullshit, then like, let me know, 'cause I didn't sign up for that.

Me neither, ma'am.

Alright, so you're still mad at me too, I guess.

No, I'm having a wonderful day.

I told you there was a line.

Alright, so I'm supposed to hold off on Casey until you sleep with her first.

Is that how it is? Now you get it.

Yes, that's exactly what that means.

I heard all that, you crazy lunatics.


- Maybe stop talking about me.


- You know
- Good work!
- f*ckin' assh*le.

That's so all you.

You don't sh*t where you eat, buddy.

You're just pissed because I shat where I ate and now you wanna eat at that same restaurant where I was sh1tting.

Who, Casey? Come on, guys.

When you makin' a movie, stars hook
-up all the time.

And everybody is cool with that.

sh*t where you eat, what does it even mean? Well, it's all about the circle of life, Kyle.

It's that we're all a part of this universal cycle.

Okay, so like, life and death Regeneration.

Okay, like Hinduism?
- Exactly.


- What the f*ck is wrong with you two? It means you don't sh*t in the same facility that you're eating in.

Because you may, at some point, eat you own sh*t.

Okay.

Is this part still about me? Because if it is, I swear to God, I'm gonna freak the f*ck out! You don't have the poster above your bed?
- No, I don't like that f*cking movie.


- f*ck Close Encounters.

When they do arrive on Earth, they're not gonna be cute and snugly.

They're gonna be a super advanced society and we're gonna be f*ckin' ants to them, they're not gonna sing and wave and friends, watch your foes.

It's not gonna be a f*ckin' musical.

They're gonna take him and everyone else and feed us at the giant processors and strain us for our chemicals.


- You don't know that.


- Shut the f*ck up.


- Ding.


- Not you.

Houmous? Who the f*ck are these Nimrods? Okay, everyone, to Ricky! Congratulations! Come on, let's go.

Congratulations for what? He probably just get a new velour sweatsuit.

You work here?
- Bartending tonight.


- Good to know the bartender.

These things are so boring.

I'm Ula.


- Henry.


- Rhum and Coke, my drink.

So when you see me coming I'll be ready.

You have a nice eyes, Henry.

So you wanna talk?
- About what?
- You and Henry.

And the fighting.


- No, there is no really me and Henry.


- Let me tell you a story.

I was once involded in a workplace romance.

It kinda got out of hand.

It was a sex expl*si*n.

It's really the only way I can describe it.

We did it constantly, in vans, in bathrooms, in the bushes.

It was non stop sex.


- Hello? Is this work?
- This is work
-related, Ron.

We f*cked in the sink, we f*cked in the dinghy.


- What does this have to do with work?
- Or with anything? Henry and Casey are fighting and it's starting to affect our work.


- That is a lie
- Now, is it a performance issue because sometimes, really nice guys can have a hard time seeing girls
- like you and me as f*ck objects.


- Casey, I just wish you'd have consulted with me before you did anything with Henry.

I actually have a little experience with workplace romance myself You do? With who?
- Sure I do, with Marina.


- Marina? The girl with the superpose hair right up here? And the interesting personality.

It's just not a good idea, I mean, in the workplace, things get tensed, relationships get strained.


- You argue, you get hit.


- Okay, I have to walk away.


- I'll talk to her later.


- You get hit.

Ron, you told me you stepped on a rake.

I got hit by a rake.

Hey, man.

What's up guys? You know who this guy look just like? He look just like that bastard who take guys' virginity and leave for a dance.

Wait, you guys watch Idol Academy? My man, yeah, absolutely! 52 inches LCD flat screen with 5.

1 dolby surround High Def.

We see everything.

It's the only way to watch it.

I can't believe this guy is at our party.

Come on drinks with us.

Napoleon Dynamite!
- Is he in Napoleon Dynamite?
- f*ck no! No, he's just a writer.

Don't worry about him.

He knows Brandy? Yeah.

Hurry up, two! These guys are officially assholes.

And creepy! This one guy's been staring at me all night.

If they like you, it is proof that you suck! People are f*cking idiot! Them hating me is a like a badge of honor.

I like you, Roman.

This is just for staff, back here.

I need to ask you a question.

Are you the actress Constance Carmel?
- How did you know that?
- Because I can't forget your film.

This scene is b*rned in my memory.

We watch through the eyes of innocent boys.

They're looking through the leaves of summer at the lake in the woods And as they watch, a vision rises from the water.

A beautiful woman.

Naked.

Her body glistening in the sun.

Unashamed.


- You saw Dingle Berries?
- A hundred times.

Rhum and coke!
- You're a good bartender.


- Thanks.

I'm bored again.

Meet me for a cigaret? Yeah, okay.

Great, another one for you.

Give me a water.

Just making Casey jealous or some sh*t?
- Whatever.


- You're still on my sh*t list but if you and Casey are kaputnick, maybe you could help me catch her on a rebound, give me some tips.

Kinky thing she's into, maybe she likes feet or Yeah, feet, that's a good one.

Go for the feet.

You watch the bar, just for a few minutes? What if I say no, now?
- Brandy.


- Jeez! What? You're a writer, yeah? Yeah, mostly hard sci
-fi.

You read my script, yeah? You give me notes.

Look, man, I don't just give random ass people who pull out a g*n.

Don't f*ck with me.


- Do it!
- I'll read it.

But every week, the same boring people.

Every week.

That seems interesting So, I smell nice? Yeah, very nice.

My breathe okay? Very minty.

That's just Muky.

Muky? Go away! I was a smuggler, you know, in the old country.

Sometimes, we spend months in the shade in the woods.

We like a shade in the whole You don't have word for this in English.

To get through the long nights, we have only the tapes and Blapouie.

Blapouie, what's blapouie? A drink you make in a bucket with leaves and yoghurt and antifreeze.


- Sounds so exotic.


- It's horrible.

But the tapes We watch over and over
- Dingle Berries.


- Yes.


- Walnuts.


- Yes.


- And Scream Weaver.


- No?
- Yes.


- Constance, where're the plates? There's supposed to be plates at the buffet.


- So do plates, we're talking.


- Scream Weaver? No personal business on what? Insect, leave us! I will cut off your face I get the plates I get
- So, where were we?
- We were talking about Scream Weaver".

Awesome! Catch up with you guys in like five.


- His friends are jerk.


- What? Those guys are awesome.

Kyle, are you drunk? Some fans got around the sh*ts.

Are we movie stars,? No.

We're party professionals.

How come Roman and I are the only ones doing any work? Because they don't known who you are.

I think they're just lovely.

I will introduce you to Ricky, you're gonna love him.


- He's awesome.


- You know how awesome he is?
- It's an awesome f*cking m*rder*r.


- What? He gave me a script.

His name was on it, "Rico Sargulesh".

I googled it.

Apparently he just got acquitted for murdering someone.

They couldn't convict him because all they found was a fuckin foot, man! That's why "Congratulations Ricky ".

Congratulations for getting away with m*rder.

I'm sorry, did you just say he was acquitted? Well, then that means he's innocent.

Kind of.


- It's in the Constitution.


- You know who you are? Does this name sound familiar: Johannes Heesters? h*tler's favorite actor.


- Why do you know that?
- I retain information.

You're the one with the problem.

That's weird.

Zoltan said that the water drops glistening in the sunlight off my breast made him cry.

Murderers don't have poetry like that in their soul.

You have a second?
- We want to talk.


- We? You are bartender here, yeah? Oh no I mean Yes, tonight just not regularly all the time, like, every night.


- We're kind of
- It's good way to pick up chicks, yeah? Like that one.


- You like that one?
- Oh, no.


- She's my girlfriend.


- Oh, yeah? That's cool.

Muky told me that you You put the moves on her, my girlfriend.

No, I wouldn't do that.

Why, because she's unattractive, my girlfriend? No, she's attractive.

I just She's not my type, you know? I'm kind into blonds.

I like the blonds.

And also I have a girlfriend.

I have a girl We're actually We're engaged.


- We're engaged?
- We're We're engaged.

To be married.

And I mean, we're still working.

It's not official, like I'm so looking for a ring and all that All that stuff.

But we're very much in love with each other.


- I love you.


- She's your fiancée? Yeah, so I would never, you know.


- She's not blond.


- She's not.


- But she has a terrific personality.


- Cool, see ya.

So I feel like we're a good match.


- For now.


- So you guys are pretty serious? It's great.

You know, we have our ups and downs and everything but Okay, I got it! It's been driving me crazy, the beer ad! "Are we having fun yet?"
- You look like that guy!
- I am that guy.


- What?
- Get the f*ck out of here!
- That's me.


- Go ahead, do it! You want me do it? "Are we having fun yet?"
- It was you!
- Rudy!
- Do it again!
- You wanna see it? "Are we having fun yet?"
- I don't believe it!
- I'm the regular guy.

It's that guy and his fiancée! Yeah! Henry! Henry Pollard.


- Nice to meet you.


- Casey Klein but soon to be Pollard.

I know it! She's a Stand
-up Showdown, uh? You did not see Stand
-up Showdown.

That was on, like, years Nobody saw that.

I saw it on TV.

So funny! Celebrity couple! You have Brad, Angelina, working at your party! Brandy, brandy! Cognac and bring glasses.

You read script?
- No, I didn't read it yet, sir.


- Bring bottles.

Then read script.


- Do it!
- "Are we having fun yet?" So I'm standing there, in half a string bikini
- Here you go, sweet.


- Thanks.

Covered in fake blood, and I've got this harpoon thing through my neck and Dom walks in.

I don't know if you remember that.

Dom De Luise.

You, more brandy.

So Dom walks on the set, he looks at me he turns around to the makeup lady and he says, "I'll have what she's having.

" And the nice of all, they make mine a double! God, the coke was so good, back then.

Dom De Luise himself, it's incredible! Same, please.

Go, go now.

Move.

Tell us more.

Well, it was my first safe sh**ting.

I'm going to the commissary and I lock eyes with Jan Michael Vincent.

What the f*ck was that? It's this girl who was flirting with me.

It turns out it's Ricky's girlfriend.

And Ricky might be a m*rder*r.


- I'm just trying to stay alive.


- Which girl?
- Which? Just some girl.


- What do you mean "flirting with you"?
- Flirting.


- Like touching you
- or like talking?
- Just flirting.


- Why do you care?
- I don't care.

Come on, you wanna take this sh*t elsewhere? I'm trying to work here.

Shut up, Roman.

So if just for tonight, you could pretend that we're in a regular relationship without, like, craziness Maybe if you could refrain from flirting with every gross girl that's at every party.

Maybe you could refrain from flirting.

Nice come back.

Really? You have to help me, I'm dying here.

And these guys won't let anybody help "Are we having fun yet?" My favorite couple.

Bring us bottle.

Let's go.

Come on, let's dance.

Dancing! What are you doing? I'm all by myself out there.

Ricky made me read his script.

These guys are assholes.


- How's his script?
- It's terrible.

Listen to this.

Crowjar.

The f*cking hero's name is Crowjar.

Crowjar? "You betray me.

You are lower than animal.

" And there's no articles, This thing's terribly written.

"Gobi on ground cries like woman.

"Crowjar puts g*n down.

Crowjar: I will k*ll you "like man with hands.

"Gobi cries "and Crowjar takes Kn*fe and first cuts off head and then all parts.

"And puts him in bags and goes to the sea.

" That should be a new f*cking scene.

"And puts Gobi in the water deep where no one will find.

"
- As you see
- You're not kidding.

That is terrible.


- No, this is what happened.


- What do you mean? This is basically a badly written and poorly plotted confession.


- My God.


- Yeah, and that's not all.

In the end, he finds the guy who squeals on him.

And kills him too.

A fat guy with glasses.

Here we go.

"Mulak is fat man with womanish glasses.

"Because eyes like heart is weak.

" Fat guy with glasses.

Fat guy with glasses.

You know, acting is like crime.

But instead of using g*ns or clubs, I as*ault you with emotions.

Or even knifes.

Knive, that's right! What, is that your girlfriend over there?
- Yeah!
- What a Euro
-trash piece of work.

You know, this is starting to feel a little bit like jealousy.


- Cause I thought we were
- I'm observing.

Do it again, yes? All right, "Are we having fun yet?" What's he doing? These are my spoons.

Can I have some Relax.


- What are you doing?
- Stop the music.

Stop the music! Men who escape as I did, from Jerusalem.

You understand which things really matter: honour, friends, women, and celebrities! Let's hear for Hollywood celebrities! You make us laugh! You make us cry! You do just what it means to be human.

Henry and Casey, our lives are complicated, yes.

But there are things we know that are greater than complications! Loving, companionship.

This special somebody who keep life from becoming vast,
- dark
- Just do it.

Pit of despair.

Nothing else matters! And so, I I take from your example.

I turn to Ula and say, "Ula, will you be my wife?" Ula, will you be my wife? Party back on, music! I've got a Joan Van Ark story for you that will blow your mind.

But first, I have to take a leak.

No, not now.

I am your sl*ve! Good.

We need cheeses and brandies.

Actually, sir, I need to talk to you about something.

It's fairly What do you need to talk to me about? Constance left something very special for you in the kitchen, she wants to be discreet.

Is it underwear? It's in the kitchen.


- Roman, Roman.


- So, where is it?
- Is it underwear?
- No, it's
- We have to tell you something.


- What do you have to tell me? It has come to our attention,
- I mean, that you might be
- He's gonna k*ll you!
- What?
- Ricky's gonna saw your head off.


- Clean off.


- What are you talking about? It's all in here.

Ricky thinks you ratted him out about Gobi.


- Who?
- The guy that Ricky k*lled.

I don't know that for sure.

Well, he's acquitted, it means "innocent".


- It's all in here.


- We know that.


- I can't find it.


- It's right here.

Okay, look, look.

It's at the bottom.

Fat man with womanish glasses.


- No offense.


- That's you.

I mean Not the Sorry.

No, I don't think they're womanish.

He wrote that.

Ricky wrote it.

I don't feel really good.

Ricky, he's got a Kn*fe! He's got a Kn*fe! Ricky! He read the script, Rick! Zoltan, no.

They think you're going to k*ll me.


- What do you mean?
- In your script, it says they k*ll fat guy with glasses
- and they thought
- That it is you? I k*ll you, I k*ll you, I k*ll you! I k*ll you back, I k*ll you back, I k*ll you back! He's my oldest friend.

I'm not going to k*ll him!
- That's good.


- It's just script.

It's make believe.


- Fiction.


- Hey, flat top, Cognac! Hey, alright So, you read it?
- What do you think?
- I loved it, I really really liked it.

That's great.

What is your favorite part? You know, there are so many good parts when Mulak grabs his mother by the throat and throws her out the window on the house, and
- it
- What else? When Mulak makes his grandmother pick up the food that he dropped.

How was the syntax? So maybe we can just call it even, you know.

Cause
- Like I flirted, and then you flirted.


- No.


- So?
- Definitely not.


- Why not?
- Because you totally made out with that girl!
- Muky told me everything.


- What?
- Busted!
- So, I guess you're up one.


- Sorry.


- Except not really, cause I made out with Rick Fox.


- You did?
- A little bit.

Okay? Add me on MySpace, you know.

I'm gonna start using it as a fansite, so
- Great.


- What a glorious night, Zoltan! Okay.

Feel my heart.

It beats for you.

So wonderful meeting you.


- I'm going to watch Dingle Berries.


- Do, do! Okay, okay, tell me, tell me.

What else is good? The part when he, the character, cuts off Gobi's nuts, and shows them to him and says "You nuts.

" But I think you meant "You are nuts.

"
- Minor grammatical error.


- Ricky! Let's go, man! Come on! That's my favorite part too.

You like all best part.

Thank you very much for notes.

I send you next draft.

Wrong fat guy with glasses!