02x05 - Steve Guttenberg's Birthday

[bunniefuu]

Wow, look at you.

It's new Ron.


- It's new new Ron.


- Uh
-huh.

Being locked in that coffin, Henry, I was mano a mano with some heavy sh*t like what is a life? Who am I? And how high were you during this? Not important.

Don't do grass.

Get high on life.

The cereal? I didn't know that you could smoke cereal.

No, existence.

I was drifting in darkness and I heard a voice: "Only dead fish go with the flow.

" The voice of Sarah Palin? Or maybe God or Jesus, Buddha any one of those guys.

And I went out, got a haircut, joined AA, got a new backup shirt.

Don't drift through life my takeaway from being locked in a coffin while high.

My takeaway don't get into a coffin while high.

So you didn't see anything? No.

Are you sure this is even the right house? That's what it says here.

Hi.

What's all this? Party Down Catering.

You booked us.

Oh sh*t.

Oh my God, did you guys see "Three Men and a Little Lady"?
- That is Ted Danson.


- That's actually Steve Guttenberg.

Jewishy much? No wonder he changed it to Danson.

My 50th was tonight, but my friends threw me a surprise party on Friday and I totally forgot to cancel you.

We kind of have a two
-day cancelation policy.


- So I eat the deposit?
- Yeah.

And what about the food and everything? Probably toss it.

Oh man, that's a waste.

That feels wrong.

Hey, it's still my birthday.

I'm not doing anything.

You know what? Invite your friends.

We'll have a party.


- Oh no.


- Yeah, unless you've got other plans.

Oh my God, other plans? Are you kidding me? Partying with the Gutte.


- This place is freaking amazing.


- It is.

I'm totally getting a place like this.


- Steve: Yeah?
- Lydia: Whoo! Yes.

Thank you.

I can't believe I'm really talking to you.

Oh, aren't you sweet? My daughter is an actress, so I'm probably gonna be pestering you for secrets on how to be an actor.

No secret.

It's like the old joke a guy gets into a cab and says, "How do I get to Carnegie Hall?" The driver answers, "Practice.

" Right? Practice.

Are you kidding me? The driver's deaf.

Oh, where are my manners? This is my friend Mrs.

Gomez.

You guys appear to be very close.

Well, now I've just moved here and I'm making new friends.

And Mrs.

Go Fulgencia is my neighbor across the hall.


- That's nice.


- "Boys from Brazil.

"
- That's right.


- Are you from Brazil? No.

Hey.


- A nice setup, huh?
- Yeah.

I bet you must be thinking right now what a terrible mistake it was to quit acting.

Well, did I happen to mention that my place has a view of a Taco Bell? Did I happen to mention that this guy has got "Herbie Fully Loaded" on DVD and on Blu
-ray? Point Guttenberg.

Shrimp? Hey, how's it feeling, new Ron?
- New new Ron.


- Oh, of course.

Getting my chops back, Henry.

Oh, tonight's gonna be a good night.

Yeah, I can't wait to see the feedback card.

He wanted to work the party anyway.

Who am I to say no? All right.


- Oh, holy sh*t.


- What?
- "Sundown Strip"?
- Yeah, what is that? It's this indie I did years ago.

I had this tiny part as a troubled teen.

Hey, do you guys know any German? What's "Ayn Rand" like "a rand"? Ayn Rand the writer? Is that what you're talking about?
- Yeah, it sounds kind of familiar.


- Ayn Rand wrote about how awesome awesome people are.

Right.

Who is that little waif? That is Collette.

She's in my scene study class, really cool.

She's like super deep.


- Like you.


- Yeah yeah.

I really want to bang her.


- A man of fine taste.


- Oh yeah.


- Hey.


- Here.


- Anspert.


- Great.

'93 Barolo.


- Thank you so much.


- Yeah, really.

This goes great with cheese and duck.


- I can see that, yeah.


- Excuse me.

Hey hey, whoa.

Don't don't don't.

Don't touch.


- That's art.


- This is art? It's Joseph Kutz.

That's pure iceberg water.

It costs 10 grand a year just to fly in new ice from Greenland.


- That's a lot of money.


- Okay? You'll be all right, yeah? Yeah.

Kutz.

Oh God, this just takes me back.

You know, I was a caterer, a waiter.


- Really?
- Yeah, I did everything.

So you're actors, I presume.

Oh yeah.

Well, he was, but
- It didn't work out or?
- Kind of.

Well, let me tell you something: Those days working gigs, making squat, just a bunch of struggling actors goofing around the best time of my life.


- Oh, love it.


- Really? Better than when you were one of the biggest stars in America? Better than now? Well, maybe not the best time.

Too big.

Hey Ron, do we have any more cheese? I got it.

I got it.

That's my job.

I got it.

Don't worry.

I'm not worried.

Should I be? No, Henry.

As I said, I am back and everything's going great.

Okay, I thought you were back in AA.

I am.

Okay, Ron, if any of this is making you uncomfortable Not at all.

No no no.


- Are you sure?
- Yes, I'm totally copacetic.

All right.

Travis, hey.

It's Ron from AA.

I'm at a party in Sherman Oaks and I can really use your help.


- What the f*ck?
- See, he totally just went off on it.

He said it was just a bunch of technobabble.

He didn't understand Yeah, the only words that aren't technobabble to a producer are "coke" and "whore.

"
- So are you guys actors too?
- Do we look that stupid? No, we're writers.

This is my writing partner.

Kent Gerbels.

And no, it's not spelled like the n*zi propaganda minister.

It's like the rodent.


- But with an E.


- Instead of the I.

Huh.

So what you got there? Well, we gave our script to a producer who was interested.

And then he gave us these notes that you just took from me
- and you're gonna read them.


- "Inert and without humanity.

" Yeah, it's like he just read the words.

He didn't get the big picture.

In one ear, out one ear.

Well, let me ask you something: Have you ever had anything produced? Yeah, we wrote "I am Legend.

" I just work catering to keep in touch with the common man.

What I'm getting at is, have you ever heard your words read aloud? No.

In the theater, where I come from, writing and acting are intertwined.

The first play I ever did was an off
-Broadway thing called "Screw You" totally rewritten in rehearsals.

So I was thinking that since we have the time and expert thespians at the ready, we would read a scene from your comrade's script and see if we can give him some insight.

Yeah?
- All right, yeah.


- Okay, all right.

Mr.

Guttenberg, I don't want to do this anymore.


- I don't like it.


- Oh, that's fear talking, Roman.


- No, it's honesty.


- Really.

Okay, Henry,
- you are our Captain DuClarke.


- Wow.


- Casey, you are sl*ve girl.


- What a shock.


- Kyle, you are Krond.


- Krond.

And Collette, you are Borp 7.

Wait, can I be the robot, please? It's not a robot.

It's a bio
-cybernetic organism.

Can I be that? What do we do, Ted? Ah, my beautiful little birds.

You are our audience, without whom this would all have no point.

Mr.

Guttenberg, can I?
- I don't think it's gonna help.


- Aww.

I think we should call it quits.

I don't feel comfortable doing this.


- Look, I know.

I understand.


- No.

This is scary.

And you feel vulnerable.


- A little bit.


- But if you want to be a true writer, you have to commit to your work.

If you don't share it with the world, then you're only a writer in your head.

Making art is an act of courage.

Do you know who said that?
- Morrison.


- Steve Guttenberg? Yes! No risk no reward.


- Let's be brave.


- Yeah.

Come on, you're like a tiger, a lion strong with your mane.

Come on.

Okay, my cast prepares.

Interior bridge.

And Accione! Reading on deuterium levels? 705.

2, Captain.

Your ship will never withstand a quantum flux between a binary star.

What's that? Binary what is that? It's when like two stars they kind of form together.


- Oh.


- It's not important.

We've just got to keep the flow going.

Um, it will in a GÃdel space
-time field.

Without negative energy synthesis? We reverse the tachyon cannon, generate an Alcubierre warp, a quantum tunnel through the Cauchy horizon.

And form a naked singularity.

DuClarke.

What are you doing on the bridge? You should be in the surgi
-tube.

I was scared.

I heard explosions.

If the coordinates you stole from your boyfriend are inaccurate, you'll hear more, because this ship will be totally atomized.

Boyfriend? He's a sl*ve trader.

I was nothing to him but merchandise.

Fine merchandise, eh, DuClarke? The best.

If we don't make it
- I don't use the word "don't.

"
- He pushes her away roughly.


- I just no, I got it.


- Sorry sorry.

I just wanted to thank you for saving my people.

Dies.

For real?
- She dies.


- Juliette d*ed.

7, check her readings.

Life functions terminated.

Cauchy horizon passed at deuterium level 7.

001.

A statistical anomaly what you call luck.

Is it? And scene.

Well, I thought it was great.

I love nautical stories.

Do we have to discuss it? Courage, young writer.

This is the crucible.

It's like previews.

My character seemed to lack depth.

Yeah.

It was a robot.

Yeah, and DuClarke was kind of a d*ck.

Yeah, sl*ve girl saves his life and what does he do? He makes crass jokes to his nemesis.

Crass? That wasn't cra he says that she is the best.

Yeah, you are the best space whore.

Thank you.

Thanks.

You know, I feel like it could have been more deep.

Okay.

Yeah, you know, I think it was really interesting how neither of the alpha males could see past their gender construct of femaleness, you know, to relate to her humanity.

It was like they could only relate to each other.

Yeah, it's like they were both, like, gay.

Well, you know, I thought of them as Jungian shadow figures.

Ooh, I just started Jung.

Have you read "Man and His Symbols"?
- Oh my God, yes I have.


- Oh my God, you guys, I just ordered it.

I can't wait.

All right, I won't ruin it for you.

Okay, thanks.

Hey, um, do you have any smart sh*t I could say? I just didn't feel it.

Oh, sorry it's not "Pat the Bunny.

" Oh, I think that's it.

The missing element heart.

It's hard sci
-fi, Steve.

Are science fiction and heart mutually exclusive? One
-word answer "Cocoon.

" Just give it another pass and we'll try it again.

You want me to do that again? I felt like I was being hunted for sport.

Courage.

What did we talk about? No risk no reward.

Okay, everyone, drink, relax,
- hit the Jacuzzi whatever you want.


- Ooh.

We'll reconvene in a half an hour for another reading.

"Hey, what did you do this weekend?" "Oh, I hung out in Steve Guttenberg's Jacuzzi.

" How badly do you want to say that? Yeah, but rain check, okay? I wasn't really asking, but It's the singularity, you know, the theory that machines will become conscious.

Ooh, like computers with souls.

Have you read Eckhart Tolle? Yeah, of course.

It's kind of like what I was going for.

Hey, are you done trying to hit that? Do you think maybe we could go rewrite? Let's do it.

Let's make it happen, I guess.


- Jeez, man.


- m*therf*cker.

Sorry about that.

He's so little.

Hey, you know, this whole experience really just makes me makes me think of "This Said Zarathasis" by Neesh.

You mean Nietzsche? It's actually pronounced "Neesh.

" It's German.

Yeah.

Hello.

Hey, I'm Steve.


- I'm Travis.


- Hey, Travis.

Come on in.


- Is Ron around?
- Travis.

Travis, hey.

Hi.


- Your friend, yeah?
- Yes.

You said "invite friends.

" Sure.

I'm so glad you invited somebody.

Here you go.


- You know who that is?
- Yeah, Steve Guttenberg.

Come here for a sec.

Thank you for coming.

No problem.

I've gone off the wagon a few times myself.

Probably not a good idea to be hanging around all this wine.

That's some nice sh*t though.

I'm sure the temptation to just have a taste is driving you crazy.

Well, I'm more of a beer man myself.

Actually, I need your help with this.

I got a shrimp caught in the filter pump thingy
- and I can't get it out.


- Wait, you're not drinking? This is a work of art, a Kutz.

And if the host finds out I got a shrimp caught in his Kutz Travis, please help me.


- Can you tell the difference?
- They both taste just red.


- Okay.


- This one tastes like a rock.

This one like dirt.

Okay, yes yes.

Maybe I taste dirt.


- No no, you've got the rock.


- Mm! So Lydia, you were saying before that you thought your daughter was gonna become a star.

Oh yes, my daughter is going to become a star.

Success is a lifestyle you need to prepare for.

You read in the tabloids every day some schmuck hits it big and falls to pieces
- because he wasn't ready for success.


- Oh gosh.

Let's imagine you make millions of dollars.


- What do you do?
- I have millions of dollars.

I throw a big party and I buy some new shoes.

And Escapade loves horses, so we could probably get, like, 100.

Henry, Henry, what would you do with your millions of dollars?
- I'm floundering here.


- Oh wow.

I don't know.


- A fleet of blimps.


- Oh, that's such a good idea.

You see, that's what I'm talking about.

You've got to educate yourself.

I was very very lucky.

Someone showed me the way.

I learned to live well fine wine, clothing, art.

In fact, have you got a second? Here is Garrett Schlimmt German Expressionism.

I placed both these paintings here to contrast the very different views of nature.

One is pretty and one is ugly? Yes, there are many different ways of seeing.

You are an expert.

Here is my little Felix Krapp.

Okay, this is where I'm just like, "Looks like a bunch of squiggles.

" That's exactly what it is.

That's a picture of a feeling.

Exactly.

Hmm hmm hmm, somebody's going to do well with their millions.

Millions? I work at the airport.

You could find it in a bag.


- Sure.


- Miracles do happen.

Oh, this is so exciting.

By George, I think I'm getting it.

Oh, that's the spirit.

Steve: Oh, Henry.

It's great, isn't it? Yeah.

It's Ian Spankler, British.

I picked it up for 300 just before he took off.

$300? $300,000.

He wants to have sex with a porcupine, but it's poking him.

Yes.

So what if Borp 7 was wrestling with some kind of proto
-soul?
- Was that Henry?
- What?
- What were you watching?
- What are you watching, weirdos? Look, she's a robot.

No, she's bio
-cybernetic.

She has these nanotech circuits that can make her evolve.

The only reason you're saying that is because you want to put your phallus in Collette.

No, I'm saying that because what they said was right, and when the sl*ve girl dies, it should be moving.

You know what would be moving? If there was a panda and a kitty on the Titanic and they got cancer and fell in love.

That would be moving.

Let's put that in the script.

Yeah, can you relax, man? Could we try this? No risk, no reward, or whatever Steve Guttenberg said.


- Try it.

Whatever.


- Thank you.

Just don't sprain your fingers selling out.

Can you fix it? Diaguchi intake feeding some type of chip
-driven Jap filter system.

I can't even see the shrimp.

It's I can try, but it's gonna be tricky.


- Jesus, man.


- What?
- He's pouring an '89 Saint
-Émilion?
- Oh yeah.

New pages.


- Ron, more vino.


- Oh yes, Mr.

Guttenberg.

Hey, where are my players? Okay, I really appreciate it, Travis.

Wine.

Oh, hey hey, try this one.


- Okay.


- All right? They'll like it.


- Okay, we've got Krond.


- Yes.


- And the handsome Captain DuClarke.


- Oh yes.


- Spectacular, gorgeous sl*ve girl.


- Thanks.

And Borp 7.

Let's get it on its feet.

Henry, what would you say if I said I'm about to act your ass into next week? I'd say I'm retired, so who gives a sh*t? Well, then I'd say you're a massive enormous p*ssy.

Okay, then I guess I would say I could act you under the table with one feeling tied behind my back.

Oh really? I'm tasting sticks and rope.

Thank you.

Now my actors, prepare.

Interior bridge.

Accione! Captain, I'm worried.

Good.

Right off with the feelings.

They caught me.

What can I do? About our deuterium levels? Yeah, me too.

About you, sir.

Since when was worrying part of your programming? Coordinates set! The dreaded binary star? You'll k*ll us all, DuClarke! Or is that what you want since she d*ed? Yeah, maybe it is.

Maybe I've What are you doing here? I thought you were dead.

I had to know if the coordinates were I had to know that you were safe.

Well, if they do work, it's because you've saved us all.

Now get back into that surgi
-tube! Eh, her face is ruined.

She's of no use.

DuClarke, no.

Is that all she is to you a face?
- What the f*ck was that?
- Dude, I'm acting.

Oh, awesome.

Okay, I'm back in.

Sir, chance of survival is.

079.

She risked all.

So can we.

Engage! Let's do it! Uh, sorry.

The door was open.

Is Travis? Yeah, go, kitchen.

Okay, Borp 7 fires a tachyon cannon.

There's a space warp thing.

Oh no! Boom! We're clear.

Thank you for saving my people.

No! No! No
-o
-o
-o! Sir, her life readings Oh, what do you know about life? I'm learning, sir.

What do you know about life? You saved the galaxy.

And scene.

What a thrill ride.

Oh my God, it was so sad when the sl*ve girl d*ed.

Right?
- He loved her.


- Yeah.

Humanity, heart, drama God, great.

This is what I love about theater.


- You put yourself out there voila.


- Thank you.

I loved when she said, "I'm learning.

" You know, it's like she was learning to learn.

Yeah, I can't believe this guy didn't want to put that in there.

Why are you gonna say that? I didn't say that.

You know, it really made me think of Ayn Rand.

How so? Hey, have you seen his art collection? He has a Spankler.

Of the dude f*cking the porcupine?
- Yeah.


- I love Spankler.

Do you want me to show you? It's right in the other room.


- Oh yeah, that'd be great.


- Whoo! It's of a dude f*cking a porcupine.


- It's a bad environment.


- I know.


- What are you doing here?
- He's my sponsor.

He's helping me.


- Who are you?
- I'm Carlos.

I'm AA too.

I'm here to help Travis.

Oh.

Didn't you fix that pump? I got the shrimp out, but I'm too wasted to reattach the intake.

So they sent you to attach it? You called your sponsor here to fix a fish t*nk? It's art, a Kutz.

Do you understand what AA is actually for? I thought I did.

You don't.

I should have been a movie star.

I should have been a movie star.

Yeah.

Hey, this isn't gonna be awkward, right, that we're just in our underpanties with each other? No no no.

Nothing I haven't seen before.

True.

Hey, so I saw your scene in that movie.

God.

Come on.

You were really good.

Like, I didn't know that you were that good, 'cause you never told me that you were, like, a legitimate actor
- for real.


- Come on.

You gotta miss that a little bit.

Miss constantly being rejected? Not really.

No, miss doing something that you're amazing at.

Well, I'm good at team leading.

Yeah, but no risk, no reward.

Well, I have a saying no risk, no risk.

After all that bullshit, going back, starting over no way.


- Ron did.


- Oh, Ron did? Wait, did I just use Ron as a life example?
- What are you doing?
- I'm begging you to just be quiet.

I can't do that.

'Cause you have a girlfriend.

And you have a boyfriend, so Paul and I we, like, drifted apart, I guess, like, a few weeks ago.

Okay, but still, you know I mean, maybe this has kind of been lost in the shuffle but you did kind of break my heart.

And that's kind of still there.

Now it's very awkward.

Hot tub, yes.

Mind if I join? I'm gonna get out.


- You
- No, I'm gonna get out of the hot tub.

Casey.

Okay.

Okey
-doke.

Whoa.

You really should take your underwear off.

The jets feel great on your balls.

You know, I should probably get going, I think.


- Ooh, what's going on out here?
- Oh, wouldn't you like to know?
- Are there suits we could borrow?
- Who needs suits? No risk, no reward.

Come get your tuchuses in here right now! I said right now! Stop it.

I don't know, man.

I just think that the first draft you guys have is way stronger, I do.

You know, DuClarke and Krond that's where your story's at.

They're like Jungian shadow figures.

Roman: So much came out of that rewrite.

Why haven't I ever rewritten before?
- I think the first one's way
- Why did Steve Guttenberg have to tell me that I needed to rewrite? Taking off? All right, see ya.

Lydia: Hot tubbing it Hollywood style! Now this you don't have to teach me.

A hot tub I get.

When I'm rich, I'm gonna buy you one.

Thanks.

The rewrite was great, wasn't it? Yeah, you know what I think would be cool? If more of it was about, like, the robot growing a soul.

You know, that is a cool idea.

Maybe we can, like, get together or something after and talk about it.


- No.


- No.

Hey Henry, you were great in it.

How come you gave that up?
- Thanks.


- Steve: Henry, all that talent it's been my experience nine times out of 10 if you've got the talent, you break through.

Yeah, but what about that one guy? Ahh.

Who wants mochi?
- Lydia: I do!
- Mrs.

Gomez: I want mochi!
- Steve: I have takers?
- Lydia: What's mochi? I want it! I think Steve Guttenberg had a fun time.

It was a great night.

Have you seen my clipboard anywhere? Oh yeah, I took it force of habit.

"Sorry.

You really were good.

" Who's that? Oh.

You know what? I think this is for you.

Your buddy Travis he must be sorry you got kicked out of AA.

Oh, that's sweet.

I actually realized, though, I don't need it.

Those guys have a real drinking problem.

I can't wait to see the customer feedback card.


- I got so much out of tonight.


- You are my A
-list writers.


- Steve.


- A pleasure, really.


- Thank you.


- Roman, so talented.


- I had a great time.


- We're gonna send you the new copies.

Roman: You helped out.

You helped out a lot.

Thank you.


- Good night.


- Whoo! What an education, wow.


- My two favorite girls.


- Thank you.

I feel so ready to be rich.

Aww.

Goodbye.

I've got to make my shift at the airport.


- Steve: Ciao.


- Hey, maybe tonight's the night that you'll find your bag of money.

Bye, Ted.

Be careful.


- Hey Steve, great hanging with you.


- So wonderful.

Kyle, you are amazing.

Oh, thank you so much again.

You're the best.

See you in class, Kyle.

And remember no risk, no reward.

I f*cking hate Steve Guttenberg.