03x15 - January 19, 1992

[bunniefuu]

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Anything you want is up to you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You for me and me for you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can be anything you wanna be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Let's take a trip and sip on a dream ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

- ♪ Glide with the guide on a funky scene ♪
- ♪ All right ♪

♪ Here comes another one of those
funky, funny mo'money shows ♪

♪ A cast for laughs
and talented roles ♪

♪ And sisters with twisters
for you been lookin', listener♪

♪ It seems you don't believe
so you can believe what I convince ya ♪

♪ Some booty to your short and thought
We'll make it snappy ♪

♪ With jokes and pokes
at folks to keep you happy ♪

♪ No need to hold
your remote control ♪

♪ Chill
This show's got soul ♪

♪ All aboard, all aboard
The train never troubles ♪

♪ You'd better snuggle up
couple up ♪

- ♪ On the double-dub-double ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's hard to believe
but some of the best things in life are free ♪

♪ So, fellas, grab your girl
Tell her that you love her♪

♪ 'Cause that's the way you're livin'
when you're livin'in living color♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go ♪♪

Welcome to the Lamaze method
of natural childbirth.

Let's see how well we remember
last week's lesson, ladies.

We're gonna start by relaxing
our groin muscles.

Well, well!

Hey! I was gonna suggest
spin the bottle...

but look like y'all
are a whole lot more advanced.

Frenchie, what are you
doing here?

This is a Lamaze class.

Lamaze? I thought you said LaBelle.
Where's Patti at?

- [Chuckles]
- ♪♪ [Singing]

- And you are Mister...
- Oh, let me introduce myself.

I am Leonard,
but all my friends call me Frenchie...

'cause I'm hip, I'm slick and all the ladies
love my childbearing hips.

Ooh. Well, Leonard...

this is not
a Patti LaBelle concert.

- Mm-hmm.
- This is the Lamaze method of natural childbirth.

Well, that's great,
'cause I was born naturally.

That's right,
right on the side of the road.

- Mm-hmm.
- That is natural.

Hey, Janice, you look pretty good
laying down like that.

Last time I seen you like that
was in the locker room of the Rams...

- after two sh*ts of tequila.
- What? That's not...

Oh, I see. Well, Janice, maybe...
maybe your friend Leonard...

would like to act
as your Lamaze coach.

- I would be très pap smear.
- Oh.

Frenchie? No way. I am waiting
for my husband, the father of my child.

- He'll be here any minute.
- [Instructor] Oh, my goodness.

I'm so forgetful.
Your husband called.

Apparently he was driving along the highway
and he spun out in an oil slick.

I knew I dropped
my T.C.B. Somewhere.

- Oh, my God, was he hurt?
- No, neither is my Gremlin.

- Don't worry about it, baby.
- If you'll just sit right down here, Leonard.

- All right.
- Okay, now before we begin
on our breathing technique...

I'm going to show you
a short film...

that should take some of
the mystery out of delivery.

[Woman Breathing On Tape]

You see, this is the moment
when we first begin to see the head.

Hey, hey, hey!

Last time I saw something this freaky
was at Clarence Thomas's house down in Tijuana.

Ain't Long Dong Silver in this one?

Okay, that's enough of that.

Uh, let's move on to one of
our most important techniques...

that's panting
and heavy breathing.

Well, seems to me like that's
what got you here in the first place.

- Frenchie!
- And...

[Women Breathing]

That's right,
now push and push.

♪ Push, push, intoJanice
Push, push, intoJanice ♪

♪ You know how to get down
Ooh, ooh, go on, Janice ♪

My goodness, Leonard, you certainly have
enough enthusiasm for the rest of us.

Janice, perhaps you would like to
demonstrate the simulated childbirth.

You just help me push
while I contract.

- All right.
- That's right, Janice.

Make sure you're really pushing. Sometimes
those little fellas don't like to come out.

Well, hell, can you blame 'em?
I wish I could move back.

[Moaning]

♪ Good God
I got to have it ♪

Somebody better callJames Brown,
'cause I think we got a hit on our hands.

- Go on, baby.
- Oh, there it is!

Oh, my goodness, Janice. Now, Leonard,
what's the first thing you do with a child?

- Well, let's see. We gotta slap it...
- That's right.

Clamp it
and then curl him down.

- Come here, baby boy.
- Don't get carried away, Frenchie.

Yeah.

You know, Janice,
if we had a boy...

the house would stay clean,
the fence would be painted...

- and the Gremlin would always be shiny.
- Really?

That's right, 'cause I have
someone to do it for me.

Gotcha!
[Baby Talk]

[Announcer] You're a New Yorker,
and because you're a New Yorker...

you don't care how you travel,
so long as it's quick and it's cheap.

That's why you travel Big Apple Airlines...
your subway in the sky.

Yes, on Big Apple Airlines...

courteous Guardian Angels
are ready to attend to your every need.

Enjoy a complimentary beverage.

Malt liquor?
Thunderbird?

And rest easy knowing
that New York's finest transit cops...

are never more
than a few feet away.

But the real reason you fly Big Apple Air
is that it's a taste of New York in the sky.

From the delightful urine scent
that permeates the cabin...

to the crazy collection
of characters.

Honey-roasted peanuts.
Headsets for the movie.

To the impassioned cries for help
ignored by all.

Excuse me,
ladies and gentlemen.

I don't like to beg,
and I don't want to steal...

but I have developed
an allergy to my own sweat...

thus I cannot work
or it will k*ll me.

Contributions
will be appreciated.

[Announcer] It's Big Apple Airlines,
where the street meets the sky.

[Jamaican Accent]
Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.

Unfortunately, someone jumped
in front of our plane...

so we're going to be
a little delayed this morning.

But in the meantime, please remember
the rules of flying on Big Apple...

no smokin', no spittin',
no dischargin' of firearms.

[g*nf*re]

Street news! Street news!
Yo, yo, listen up, everybody.

Looks like we're about
to take off...

so if y'all please just sit down
and hold on to your straps...

we're about to close
the doors, all right?

Prepare for takeoff.

[Karate Yell]

[Announcer]
Yes, Big Apple Airlines...

your subway in the sky.

♪♪ [Whistling]

Excuse me,
but don't I know you?

Hey, you're Darth Vader
from those Space Wars movies.

- Is that?
- Yeah.

- No, I'm not Darth Vader, okay.
- Uh, Abe Vigoda.

- No.
- Telly Savalas.

- No. Guess again.
- Um, oh, Uncle Fester!

Look, I might as well tell ya.
I'm Death, okay?

I was gonna guess that next,
either Death or Keith Richards.

Honey, it's Death!

- Oh, my God.
- Honey, it's Death.

- He's come for us.
- No.

- But thanks for reminding me of Keith Richards.
- Whew!

- Woah!
- Hey, look, let me buy you a drink, huh?
Hey, waiter!

- Oh, no, no, I can't.
- What do you want, a suffering bastard?

- No, I can't.
- How about a zombie? Zombies for everyone.

- Keep 'em coming.
- Perfect.

So, if you're not here on business,
what are you doing here, Grim Reaper?

Just like you, I'm on vacation.
First in , years.

I wanna leave
all that behind at the office.

- I hear that.
- No, no, no, I don't drink.

- Really, I can't. Please.
- Oh, come on, loosen up. You're on vacation.

Like Liberace says,
"Come on, bottoms up."

Hey, that's not bad.

Hey, what's it take to get
another drink around here?

That's the spirit.

Well, l...
Can I ask you something?

Oh, honey, come on.
The man's trying to get some rest.

No, that's okay.
Go ahead. Ask away.

I just got to know...
the Kennedy assassination...

Did Oswald act alone?

Hey, that's for me to know
and Oliver Stone to find out.

- Death, you slay me!
- Watch it.

You know, I have got an idea,
but it is so naughty.

- Come on, honey. Let's hear it.
- Well...

- Spill it, baby.
- Okay. Okay.

Well, here it is. I mean,
I guess people must ask you this all the time...

but I would be so thrilled
if you would just k*ll somebody.

- Oh, here?
- Yeah!

- Oh, no.
- I mean, that would be so cool.

- No, no, I couldn't.
- Just a little person. Just... Oh, please?

- Okay. Who gets it?
- All right!

- How about, um, the waiter?
- Good idea.

A little drinky-poo first.

[Belches]

Oh, garçon.

Oh, yeah, um, uh, listen.

I think I'll have the swordfish...

and I think you'll have
the kidney failure.

You are good.!

- And you are fast!
- Did you like that?

- That was beautiful.
- Really? Let me buy you guys a drink.

- Why not?
- Bartender, another round over here.

- I got one for you. You guys like Hitchcock?
- Sure.

Watch this. Birds. Peck, peck, peck,
peck, peck, peck, peck, peck.

Oh, oh my God!
[Yelling Indistinctly]

- It's like a -D movie.
- Oh, wow.

Hey, you know what? A lot of people
have seen a Heimlich maneuver, right?

But not in reverse.

Quick impression...
Buddy Holly.

Aah!

You might wanna get down for this one.
Drive-by.

- [Vehicle Passing By]
- [g*nf*re]

- Oh!
- And here's a little something...

I like to do on a hot day
at Disneyland.

I call it spontaneous combustion.

[Moaning]

[Thunderclap]

That one always makes me thirsty.

- That was just great.
- Yeah, that was real great.

- But we gotta get outta here, man.
- Yeah.

- [Laughs] So what am I, a jerk?
- No.

- You don't wanna be around me now, is that it?
- Well...

I'm not good enough
for you people? Hmm?

Come on.
It's a party, right?

- Well, yeah.
- Open the bottle.

For my next trick,
I need a volunteer.

[Slurring]
Sometimes you just gotta get in there...

- and get your hands dirty.
- [Bones cr*ck]

Okay, who else wants a kiss?

[Kissing Sounds]
Kiss of death. Don't be shy.

There's nobody left.
You k*lled everybody.

There's nobody left.

That's awful.

There's only one thing
left to do.

- Oh, no, please, please, no.
- You said you weren't gonna k*ll us.

I'm sorry.

It is your fate.

I have to take you...

on a road trip to Vegas!

- [Screams]
- Jump on the funeral train.

♪♪ [Vocalizing Rumba b*at]

Couldn't you just k*ll us?

♪♪ [Vocalizing Continues]

♪♪ [Hip-hop]

♪♪ [Hip-hop Continues]

♪♪ [Fades]

[Man] Captain's Log: Stardate, uh...
[Raspberry]

Hell, I can't remember.
Our five-year mission has now turned into .

We just left the Romulan galaxy...

and we're approaching...
senility.

We are also being followed
by an unidentified vessel...

which may be hostile.

This... entity...

this thing has been chasing us
for two solar systems.

Mr. Sulu.

Establish warp speed.

And turn that blinker off.
We've been turning left since Rikus Five.

Aye, aye, Captain.

- Hey, look out for that asteroid!
- [Crash]

Damn you, Sulu!

Are you... blind?

Well, legally, sir, I am.

However, in this galaxy,
I am allowed to drive to work and back.

Captain, my sensors tell me...

there's a deadly gas
emanating from the engine room.

- Scotty.
- Aye, Captain.

What's going on down there?

Captain, I've lost
complete control of my bowels.

You should be wearing
your Starfleet Depends.

Aye, Captain, but I've sprung a leak,
and I can't hold it much longer.

Stay where you are,
Scotty, please. Spock.

Spock, stop wandering around
and tell us who these people are.

Actually, Captain,
it's several ships.

They're honking
and yelling profanities.

Well, tell them to go around.

Well, by the way, Jim,
I must remind you that as a Vulcan...

I must mate once every seven years
in order to survive.

I've only got two days left, and, well, sir,
you're starting to look good to me.

Careful, Spock, that's how I broke my hip
in the first place.

Captain, they're f*ring on us.

[expl*si*n]

Damn kids!

Uhura, try to establish
communication with the attackers.

What did I tell you
about wearing those old outfits?

Oh!

So, you wanna be down
with O.P.P., huh?

Pardon me. [Gagging]
Oh, God.

Uhura, believe me,
at this point in your life...

no man is bold enough
to go there.

- You didn't say that light-years ago, sucker.
- Shh!

Captain, wait. I think they're trying
to establish communication.

Screen up.
Everybody, clap on.

There's nothing on the screen.

Jim, their radar has jammed our frequency.
They're about to fire upon us again.

Mr. Sulu, get us out of here!

God, he's flatlining again.

I told him to take
the nitro pills.

- [Beeping]
- Clear.

[Yells]
Aye, aye, sir.

- [Crash]
- Whoa!

Spock, my Vulcan friend,
where are you?

Help! I've fallen
and I can't get up.

Spock needs medical attention.

Bones to the Bridge.
Bones to the Bridge.

Please do something.

Damn it, Jim,
I'm a corpse, not a doctor.

Captain, sensors indicate
that there are intruders onboard.

Oh, maybe it's Meals on Wheels.

I'm taking no chances this time.
Establish defensive positions.

Okay, people,
you've had your fun.

It's back to the Sunny Side
Retirement Colony.

Your children have been
very worried about you.

We're not going anywhere
until we get our trip to bountiful.

- Right, guys?
- [All] Right.

We're having
Salisbury steak tonight.

With mashed potatoes?

And tapioca pudding.

You dirty bastards!

- Spock, not you.
- Are you kidding, Jim? It's Bingo night.

Besides, live long and prosper.

Ahh! Damn arthritis.

[Beeping]

Captain's Log: Stardate .

I guess six sequels
was not too bad for a "B" TV show...

that was canceled light-years ago.

I could stay and fight,
but no sense b*ating a dead dog.

All right. Thank you
for joining us this week.

We want you to make sure
you're here next week.

We're throwing the ultimate halftime party
during the Super Bowl.

So instead of getting up and going
to the bathroom like you usually do...

flip that channel
and join us here.

We're gonna have some special musical guests,
all your favorite characters.

- It's gonna be live, so be in the house. Peace.
- Show ya right.

Ha!

♪♪ [Hip-hop]

[Audience Whooping]

[Audience Whooping]