03x17 - February 2, 1992

[bunniefuu]

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Anything you want is up to you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You for me and me for you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can be anything you wanna be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Let's take a trip and sip on a dream ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

- ♪ Glide with the guide on a funky scene ♪
- ♪ All right ♪

♪ Here comes another one of those
funky, funny mo'money shows ♪

♪ A cast for laughs
and talented roles ♪

♪ And sisters with twisters
for you been lookin', listener♪

♪ It seems you don't believe
so you can believe what I convince ya ♪

♪ Some booty to your short and thought
We'll make it snappy ♪

♪ With jokes and pokes
at folks to keep you happy ♪

♪ No need to hold
your remote control ♪

♪ Chill
This show's got soul ♪

♪ All aboard, all aboard
The train never troubles ♪

♪ You'd better snuggle up
couple up ♪

- ♪ On the double-dub-double ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's hard to believe
but some of the best things in life are free ♪

♪ So, fellas, grab your girl
Tell her that you love her♪

♪ 'Cause that's the way you're livin'
when you're livin'in living color♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go ♪♪

Eight times five...

Carry the three.

Aw, damn it.

I've got to make
this speech tomorrow...

and I still don't know what to
do about the... economy.

[TV: Male Announcer]
Do you recognize this man?

[Announcer Continues] If you don't,
you're not watching enough television.

- He's Tommy Wu.
- [Tommy] Hey, idiot!

Rotting in your own filth!

- What do you think of this
excellent lifestyle I'm living?
- Ding!

- Just a few moments to air, Mr. President.
- All right.

Okay. Let's clear.

- [Exhales]
- [Man] Okay, here we go.

In five, four, three, two...

Fellow Americans...

I've been staying up late, nighthawkin' it,
burnin' the candle at both ends...

thinkin' about this...
economic mess we're in.

And I'll tell ya, the whole thing
makes me wanna exhale liquid.

But I'm not gonna,
not this time.

I've got a little trick
up my sleeve.

Without further ado, please welcome
my new chief economic advisor...

the Donald Tr*mp of the Orient...

and the reigning king
of late-night television...

Mr. Tommy Wu.

- Come on out here, Tom.
- Thank you, Mr. George.

Japanese say
problem with U.S. Economy...

is that American worker
fat and lazy.

- Oh, yeah.
- But they only got it half right.

American worker stupid too.

You want to see nice picture
of American auto worker?

Then look up "imbecile"
in dictionary.

Whoa, Wu. Whoa.

- Stick to the thousand points of light.
- Sorry.

Okay. Plan is so simple
even American can understand it.

Step one.

Surround yourself with
beautiful California girl...

with intelligence of head lice.

Step two. Buy sport car.

That all makes perfect sense.
Then what, Wu?

That it, stupid!

Now people lend you money...

because they think
you're so damn successful.

I know it doesn't sound like much,
but I've checked it out...

scrutinized it,
spanked it, diapered it...

kicked it in the pants,
ran it up the flag pole to see who'd salute.

And I'm here to tell ya,
Tom Wu's plan works.

See, after I took the seminar...

I picked up this house...
no money down.

- Why can't you do that?
- And that's not all.

President Bush got boat.!

Got private plane.!

He even take vacation
in middle of Gulf w*r.!

And I'll tell ya another thing.

Not every woman I sleep with looks like
she just stepped off a $ . bill.

Hey there, Georgie's girls.

That's right.
Since Bush learn secret...

no longer people call him "limp wimp."

No way, Wu.

Not since I bought up five defunct
S and L's for cents on the dollar.

And how much profit
you make on those, George?

I made , G's.
G's for George.

Now, why can't you do that?

And not only that, but Tommy Wu's plan
worked for Barbara too.

Come on out here, Bar.

So, if you can read at all,
read my lips.

Stop stimulating yourself,
and stimulate economy!

And read my lips.

Ask yourself not what
your country can do for you...

- but ask yourself...
- [Together] Why can't you do that?

Good night and God bless.

♪♪ [Hip-hop]

♪♪ [Woman Singing]

♪♪ [Ends]

[Man] And now another episode of
The Head Detective.

This is pathetic.

I'm shocked that an officer
from this precinct...

has stolen $ ,
in evidence money.

Come on, Chief.
No one in this room is a thief.

I don't know, partner.
Smells like someone stole your deodorant.

I'm gonna search every officer's locker
in this room, starting with the Head.

Chief, you can't be serious.

Head's never done a dishonest
thing in his life. Look at this face.

Sorry, Head.
I've gotta do what I gotta do.

Well, well, well.
Look what we have here.

I didn't do it. It's a setup.
Can't you see?

They're tryin' to set me up.
I didn't take it.

You know what
your problem is, Head?

You're caught red-handed, and you can't
even admit it. You have no guts.

That shouldn't surprise you.
I don't have any spleen.

I got one genital
and a half a colon.

Shut up, Head.

I'm sending you away
for a long, long time.

L-I won't go. You can't send me away.
Tell 'im, partner.

- Get outta here, you thief.
- Oh!
- [Loud Thud]

[Inmates Chattering]

Gee, I stick my neck out
for the force all these years...

and this is the thanks I get?

[Sighs]
I can't believe it.

Hey, man,
what are you in for?

Oh, man, they said
I looked up some lady's dress.

It's not like I had
any choice in the matter.

Yeah. I know what you mean.

You know, you got kind of
a nice smile yourself.

Hey! Don't touch me.
I'm not into heads, okay?

Say, look, pal, you really shouldn't
run away from your feelings in here.

I mean, we're gonna be here
for three years together.

Listen, buddy, you stay on your side
of the cage. I'll stay on mine, okay?

Just leave me alone.
I wanna get some sleep.

Well, yeah, but, uh, you know,
the bed's on my side of the cage.

Okay, but you're gonna
have to shave first.

He loves me.

He loves me not.

- [Snoring]
- He loves me.

- [Snoring Continues]
- He loves me not.

- [Loud Whisper] Psst! Head!
- Yes, darling?

- Head, wake up. It's me.
- Hey, partner.

Hey, who's that with you?

Oh, that's just, uh...
He's just Lou, a guy I met.

- You didn't...
- What, like it? No.

I didn't like it. Of course I didn't.
It was just a little footsie.

Shh, shh, shh, shh! Okay, okay.
We'll deal with that later.

- Listen, I know who framed you, Head.
- Who?

- It was the chief.
- Oh, God, no.

- You gotta get me outta here.
- All right. Hang on.

- Hey, partner. One other thing.
- Yeah?

Let's kind of keep this
between me and you.

Sure. Our secret, Head.

Thanks.

And where the hell
do you think you're goin'?

- Uh-oh.
- They got us surrounded, Head.

Nonsense, partner. Remember
when you played with Pelé?

Man, you were the greatest
soccer player in the world.

Head, this is no time
to reminisce.

No. Don't you see what I'm drivin' at?
Kick me past 'em.

- It's too dangerous.
- Damn it! Just do it.

All right.
! Juegan, amigos.!

[Man] Go, man.!
Yeah.! Yeah.! Yeah.!

[Cheering, Chattering]

[Cheering]

Hey. Hey, bring him back here.

I'll give you
a pack of cigarettes.

[Chortling]

All right. Yes.

Peekaboo.

Look like the game's over,
huh, Chief?

I just wanna know one thing.
Why'd you frame me?

I had to.

For the last six years, you've won
the office limbo contest...

and I'm sick of it.

With you out of the way...

I was guaranteed to be
limbo champ this year.

[Whimpering]
Now you've ruined everything.

Yeah, well, now it looks like you're
gonna do some time, Chief.

I want you to say hello
to my friend, Big Lou.

- No! No, not Lou! Not Lou!
- Yeah. Big Lou.

He likes it
when you touch his beard.

The creep.

- ♪♪ [Limbo]
- [All] Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

- [Whooping]
- [Cheering]

All right, partner. Your turn.

Heck. You better lower that
about inches.

- I wanna go ankle-high. [Whoops]
- Come on!

[All Cheering, Chattering]

[Cheering, Chattering Continue]

- Lower!
- [Man] Keep going.! Go.! Go low.!

Ah-ha-ha!
Whoo!

[All Cheering]

[Man] This has been another episode
ofThe Head Detective.

On behalf
of the United Nations...

I am pleased to announce that a peaceful
settlement has been reached...

between the Palestinians
and Israelis...

and we hope it lasts a thousand years.

[Delegates Applauding]

Now, to help us celebrate
this new beginning...

I'd like to introduce
a goodwill ambassador...

who has brought laughter
to thousands.

Please welcome Don Rickles.

- [Applause]
- ♪♪ [Bullfighting]

- ♪♪ [Stops]
- Thank you, my darling,
for that wonderful introduction.

Now wait in the car.
Anyway...

Yeah, baby.
Can I get a "Amen"?

It's a good thing
you cut it off, though...

because the Arab
was gonna make a bid. Aw!

By the way, Habib, your wife called.
The Slurpee machine is broke.

Anyway...

I don't know why he's here. Somebody
rubbed a lamp, and I get three wishes. Aw!

No, seriously, my friend...

God knows
I love the Arab people.

I cough their names up every day.

- [Hawking] Achmed! Aw!
- [Man Laughing]

That's very funny.

You're an Israeli. Pardon me. I didn't
recognize you without the gas mask.

Aw.!

Let me make you feel at home.
Incoming Scud!

- Now that's comedy.
- [Chuckling]

Who asked you? Aw!

I think it's only fair at this time to address
the Iraqi delegate here today.

Put your veil back on, ma'am.

Aw! You're scaring the Polish guy.
Look at the Polish guy.

He's puttin' on headphones.
He thinks we're gonna show a movie.

Fire on the wing!
We're goin' down!

Excuse me.
I am Czechoslovakian.

Oh, big difference.
h*tler took them both in minutes.

Of course, he had an army.
What did you have?

Girl Scouts selling cookies
at the border. Anyway...

It's good to see the Germans
reunited again...

- Siegfried and Roy.
- This is an outrage.

This man is going to ruin
everything we have accomplished here.

I'm sorry. I really didn't know
he would be like this.

Give him a couple more minutes.
I'm sure he'll calm down.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! The Greek
has gotten restless.

Let me say something to the Greeks.
Stay in front of me, okay, pal?

Anyway...
Seriously, you're a big dummy.

Aw! Why can't you be
more like the Irish guy?

I love the Irish...
always quiet and happy.

Watch me wipe the smile
off his face.

Last call! Anyway...

Where's the Italian?
Where is he?

Oh. Bless you, sir.

The Italians are very much
a part of the foundation...

of this great country
we live in.

Unfortunately, there are also a couple of them
in the foundation of this building. Aw!

- This man is scum.
- Oh! Oh, great!

I'm being heckled by a black guy
from Zanaba... Zanama... Whatever.

Aw! Didn't I see you
on Trilogy of Terror?

Anyway...

What is your name, sir?

My name is Motumbo.

Motumbo.
English translation... Leroy.

Aw!

Is he coming towards me?
Somebody get the elephant g*n.

Aw! Look! Tracks.

Motumbo, white women...
that way. Aw!

Seriously, my friend,
we're all the same on this Earth.

And from the bottom of my heart...
Oongawa!

- Aw!
- This man deserves to be tortured!

- Let's rig his car with dynamite.
- Yes.

I can get it for you wholesale.

I say shrink his head.
Shrink his head.

- Wait! Rain Man isn't over yet.
- [Scoffs]

[Muttering]
Why don't you go up to the ice rink?

You're a bunch of hockey pucks.

♪ I'm a nice guy ♪

♪ I'm a nice guy ♪♪

- ♪♪ [Movie: Sound Track]
- [Bodyguards Laughing]

Oh, this is great... a theater that still
shows The Golden Child.

[Laughing] I should
buy more movie houses.

Then they could show
Harlem Nights too.

- Right, Fruity?
- [Laughing] You're damn straight.

[Loud, Braying Laughter]

I know the movie's funny,
but this guy is laughing...

This guy's laughin' so hard,
I can't hear myself laugh.

Hey, man, you wanna
keep it down?

Hey, man. That's it...

Yo, man. What's...
Hey, man.

Yo, man, what's up?
Why you laughin' like a jackass?

Eddie! If the shoe fits, wear it.

Oh, my main man, Eddie.

Sit your leather-clad,
wanna-be-a-rock-star...

hunk of burnin' butt
on down next to me.

It'll be just like
old times, Eddie.

Hey, look, what...
What are you doin' here?

Oh. I'm surprised
you don't remember me, Eddie.

It was four long years ago that you
sentenced me to my own show...

when you knew I wanted
to be a movie star, Eddie.

Did you see
Amazon Women on the Moon?

Let me refresh your memory.
[Screams]

I should've won an Oscar
for that one, Eddie.

Now Byron Allen is doin'
funnier sketches than me.

Kadeem Hardison's out of town, and I got
the Nielsens breathin' down my "back."

So I'm afraid you're gonna have to give me
some of that " Be my best friend...

wanna hang out with me all night"
Murphy magic.

Back to the show!

Look, I wanted to do more cameos,
but you was always around me.

I needed some breathing room. I'm sorry
for what happened to you a long time ago...

but that was a long time ago,
all right?

I'm sorry. All right?

Oh, you don't know
"long time," Eddie.

You have no concept
of time at all.

You've never had
to interview Ed Asner.

And pain? Have you ever tried
kissin' Diana Ross?

The hair moves while you're reachin'
for the lips, Eddie.

Besides that, I seen an old picture
of Paula Abdul before the nose job.

Now that's pain.

Oh, look, man. You buggin', man.
I'm outta here. I'm out.

Vengeance is mine!
Tell me, my people.

Eddie.

Eddie, let me make myself
very clear.

I get into million homes
a night.

I can get into yours.

I want your career, Eddie.
Your career.

Except for them last three
music videos you done.

♪ I just wanna
party all the time ♪

♪ Party all the time ♪♪

That oughta do it.

Now, let's see if he's still outside.

Eddie, you been a bad boy.

Now, my people tell me you have a restraining
order against me, and that it's legally binding.

But don't feel bad, Eddie.
I could be Art Buchwald.

Yes. We're gonna party
all the time.

Party all the time.

That's it.
I'm callin' the police.

Hello. This is Eddie Murphy.
I'd like to report a crime.

Huh? Okay. Just once.

[Signature Laugh]

What? All right.

[Imitating Bill Cosby] I would like
to talk to you about some of the things...

that you've been sayin'
on the show.

[Drops Imitation]
Now can I get some service?

Okay. I'd like to report
that somebody is...

He's... That's funny.
He's gone.

Never mind.

Boy, I'm thirsty. Consuela,
can I get some Evian or somethin'?

All right. Let's go, man.
Let's do this.

Oh, Eddie, don't you hate
when your mouth get all dry...

and you get that white stuff all up in here
and that crust runnin' on the side?

People be lookin' at you, goin',
"Damn.

Is that Eddie Murphy
or Cicely Tyson?"

Here's your water.
Eddie, don't be frightened.

I'm just here to do whatever it takes
to have you come and do one...

just one guest spot
on the show.

I'll clean the house.
I'll shine your table.

Hey, let me update your suit...
take the bells out for you.

Look, that's it.
I'm callin'Joe Piscopo...

and he's gonna come up here,
he's gonna bust your ass.

Well, you know, Joe...
Joe could use the work.

Yes. The steroids definitely
affected his career. Oh.

Yo. What seems to be
the problem now?

I don't know, my man.
She seems to be stuck.

Look, just g*n it, all right?

[Revving]

You can run,
but you can't hide, Eddie.

You can't hide.

♪ We're just gonna ♪

♪ Party all the time
Party all the time ♪

- [Screaming]
- [Announcer] Cape Fear II.

Our people tell us
it's coming soon to a theater near you.

Yea!

♪ Bop doo
bop-bop-dee-boo ♪

- ♪ Scoop doo doop-doop-doobety-doo ♪
- [Indistinct]

♪ Doop doo
scoop-doop-dee-doo... ♪♪

- Once again, we'd like to thank y'all for...
- Thanks for joinin' us...

[Man Shouting, Indistinct]

- Join us next week! Thank you!
- [All Chattering]

- ♪♪ [Hip-hop]
- Hi, Mom!