04x03 - October 11, 1992

[bunniefuu]

♪♪ [Rock]

Hi, I'm Cindy Crawford,
and this is M.T.V.'s Rock the Vote...

coming to you from
L.A.'s Hard Rock Cafe.

And we're asking the future of America...
the M.T.V. Generation...

what they think about
the election issues.

Excuse me.
Cindy Crawford, M.T.V.

In this election year,
what's the number one issue for you?

There's too many g*ns.

Yeah, there shouldn't be
so many g*ns.

Yeah,
they should just, um...

take all the g*ns and b*ll*ts
and put 'em in a big...

- Um, I don't know...
- Canister.

Yeah, a big canister.
Yeah.

And they should
just... dump 'em in the sea.

Wow, that's
a really good solution.

How do you feel about
the problems with the homeless?

Now, that's
a really big problem.

Yeah, there are a lot of
homeless people, man.

Why can't they just take
all the homeless people...

and gather 'em up
in a big...

- Um, I don't know...
- Canister.

Yeah, and then just
dump 'em in the sea.

Strong words indeed.

Hi. Cindy Crawford,
M.T.V. News.

What do you feel about
the environment?

Uh, I'm for it.

Okay, thank you.

Hi, Cindy Crawford,
M.T.V. News.

- Could you tell us the difference between...
- Hi.

The Republicans
and the Democrats?

Oh, yeah. The Republicans
have an elephant...

and the Democrats
have a little... horsie.

Wow. And they say
young people aren't informed.

Now, if you were president,
what would you do?

Oh. If I were president...

I would make it a law
that, uh, everybody got along...

nobody stole
or m*rder*d each other.

And how would you
enforce that?

I'd make it a law.

That's a really good idea.

Thank you.

The voice of young America
coming through loud and clear.

So get out and vote because
voting is really, really important.

I think Madonna
said it best when she said...

"Voting is
really, really important."

For M.T.V. News,
I'm Cindy Crawford.

♪♪ [Rock]

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Anything you want is up to you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You for me and me for you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can be anything you wanna be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Let's take a trip and sip on a dream ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

- ♪ Glide with the guide on a funky scene ♪
- ♪ All right ♪

♪ Here comes another one of those
funky, funny mo'money shows ♪

♪ A cast for laughs
and talented roles ♪

♪ And sisters with twisters
for you been lookin'listener♪

♪ It seems you don't believe
so you can believe what I convince ya ♪

♪ Some booty to your short and thought
We'll make it snappy ♪

♪ With jokes and pokes
at folks to keep you happy ♪

♪ No need to hold
your remote control ♪

♪ Chill
This show's got soul ♪

♪ All aboard, all aboard
The train never troubles ♪

♪ You'd better snuggle up
couple up ♪

- ♪ On the double-dub-double ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's hard to believe
but some of the best things in life are free ♪

♪ So, fellas, grab your girl
Tell her that you love her♪

♪ 'Cause that's the way you're
livin'when you're livin'in living color♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go, go ♪♪

Thank you for comin'.

[Sobbing]
He's with the Lord now.

There, there.
All right. It's all right.

- All right. Wait.
- [Straining]

Wait a minute.
What in...

Oh, God,
it's Cousin Elsee!

Cousin Elsee! What are you doing here?
You weren't invited.

Oh, I woke up this morning,
and my breath was so stinky...

even my feet were
complaining about it.

I said to myself, the only thing
that can smell worse than that...

is the rotten dead corpse
of old Uncle Luther.

- That's Uncle Clarence, Elsee.
- Oh, that's right!

Luther's funeral
was this morning.

This is my fourth one today.

I done see more lifeless bodies
than at The Byron Allen Show.

Could we all please be seated?
We're about to get underway.

What is that smell?

Oh, I'm sorry.
That was me.

The last funeral
was catered by Taco Bell.

I guess I better make a run
for the border. [Laughs]

Anthony!
Is that my little Anthony?

Don't you act like
you don't know Cousin Elsee...

when we used to
take baths together.

I remember when this boy
would not take a bath.

You had to b*at him upside the head
with a billy club to get him in the tub.

Mm-hmm. He had more crust
on him than a sourdough pizza.

Hey...

So, now, Anthony, you gonna
introduce me to this sweet little devil?

Yeah. Cheryl, this is
my cousin Horsie... I mean, Elsee.

- Elsee, Cheryl.
- Hi, baby.

Look at this precious
little morsel.

Hair so soft!
Is this a weave?

Oh, God,
and thighs so taut!

The inner thighs all taut.

Breasts all firm and perky...
nipples sticking up like turkey testers.

[Clears Throat]
Can we get underway now, please?

[Elsee]
Yes, we can.

Clarence was a fine man.

[Laughs]

I was just thinking
about something funny.

Yes, sirree!

I remember when I was
just a little girl...

and old Clarence sat me on his knee
and gave me a nickel and a kiss.

Well, I got
so hot and bothered!

Oooh-whee!

Talk about water
on the knee?

"Talk about water on the knee"!
[Laughs]

I'm a lunatic!

They need to put me in some
Tupperware and lock me away.

Elsee, please!
This man has passed away.

- Would you show some respect?
- Oh, sure I will.

- Now, what did he die of?
- Cancer.

Oh, that cancer
is something else.

I lost an ovary
and my prostate to cancer.

- Your prostate?
- Oh, sure.

Cousin Elsee got
a little bit of everything.

- Now, let me just pay my respects.
- Thank you.

Oh, dear lord!

Dear... Oh! Dear...

Oh, my heart!

Oh, look.
She's passed out cold.

She needs mouth...
Oh! Somebody.

Reverend,
Reverend, Reverend.

Well, l... l...
I guess I got to.

Aaah!

Elsee!
Cousin Elsee!

Back! Back,
you unholy Donkey Kong.

Cousin Elsee!

Now, come on. Just pay
your last respects and leave. Please!

Oh.

Whoa, boy. It's a shame
to see you go, Cleavon.

- Clarence!
- Whatever.

One thing's for sure... I can say you look
exactly the way I remember you.

Yep. Exactly.

Well, now that
you're going on...

I guess Cousin Elsee should just
say good-bye and move on.

- H-Hey...
- Oh, my God!

[Clamoring]

Woman, you blasphemous gorilla.

♪♪ [Hip-hop]

♪♪ [Fades]

[Man] They're neglected,
they're unwanted, they're young.

And, you know,
they're available.

Hi, l-I'm Woody Allen.

For just $ a month,
you know...

which is, mind you, a lot less than
the cost of your one hour of analysis...

you could not only feed one of these...
these gorgeous, delicious Asian girls...

you know, y-you could
also date one.

Believe me, they don't have...
They don't have homes.

You know, th-they
don't have clothes.

They don't even
have breasts yet.

You know, just-just think of it as
an investment for your future, you know.

Just-Just-Just look at
the difference you can make.

You know, right here...

You know, years ago,
this girl was just...

a tiny orphan
living in utter squalor.

But, you know, just...
Ooh, just look at her now.

Ooh, me so hungry.

- Guess who?
- Papa Woody!

Yes, dear. Papa...
You know, just...

You know, don't... don't, uh,
you say anything. [Clears Throat]

I believe it was Sigmund Freud
who, uh, once said...

you know, a girl's
first love is her father.

But, you know, if I could just interject
right here, you know, at this juncture.

It was a lot easier
at that point...

to sneak into a seedy motel
under an assumed name.

You know, I don't think I'm being
facetious or really even didactic...

when I say, you know, it's not everyone
who's got a wife naive enough...

to, you know, bring one of these nubile,
young goddesses home with her, you know.

But, you know, hey,
look what it's done for me.

And when it comes to women,
I've always been a total loser.

You know, when I was...
when I was breast-feeding...

I remember my mother,
she said to me, you know...

"I'd kinda like to get
to you know you better."

But, you know, the real
beauty of this offer...

is it's totally
tax-deductible.

You know, so please call...

- -date-the-children.

And if-if-if a woman named Mia
answers the phone, you know...

just... hang up
and try after : .

Her medication
will have kicked in by then.

Go, "K-nicks"!

[Chuckles]
That's Knicks, my little blossom.

The New York Knicks.

[Announcer]
Date the Children.

When a million dollars
in therapyjust isn't enough.

♪♪ [Hip-hop]

♪♪ [Man Rapping]

Mother Brooks, I don't know
how we can thank you for all your advice.

Who needs a marriage counselor?
After years of being together...

y'all got to be the expert
on staying together.

That's true, sweetheart. I can't believe
what people today get divorced over.

- Mm-hmm.
- Why, I remember when Mr. Brooks here...

when I caught him in bed with
your Aunt Louise and your Cousin Lester.

I said to myself, " Well, at least
he's keeping it in the family."

Well, the water got rough,
but the ship didn't sink!

That's right, honey. We were raised
to believe that when people got married...

they should stay married,
through thick and through thin.

- Oh, yes, sir.
- For better of for worse.

Till death do us part.

Now, that's exactly
how it's gonna be.

Me and Miss Brooks gonna
be together till the day that we die.

Well, I hope that's
a long time coming.

Y'all two take care, hear?
We love you both.

- All right, now.
- Bye, children.

You know, Mrs. Brooks...

Iookin' at your tired, dried-up,
wrinkled husk of a body...

made me a might thirsty.

Would you mind fixin' me
a nice, cold glass of lemonade?

Oh, why, certainly, Mr. Brooks.
Anything to help a man...

who can't stand on his own
two feet 'cause he ain't got no spine.

[Sneezes]

- Here you go, Mr. Brooks, your lemonade.
- Oh!

Glory be!
Uh-huh.

Yeah, and here's to years
of bein' together.

Mr. Brooks, you ain't going to
light up one of those...

old, nasty, foul-smelling
cigars, are you?

Well, yes, I am.
This is the only thing in this house...

that ever gave me
satisfaction.

Oh, well, what do you
expect, Mr. Brooks?

That stinky cigar smokin'
better than you ever have.

Well, now long as we
on the subject...

of funky smells,
Miss Brooks...

Them feets of yours
is so big and nasty...

you the only woman I know
can fill up a mason jar...

with her own toe jam.

That's mighty ironic
coming from you, Mr. Brooks...

with all that burping
and passin' gas you do.

I don't know if I'm sleeping with
my husband or Mt. Pinatubo.

Oh, Mr. Brooks, I think
I'd like to get a better look...

at your
life insurance policy.

Do you mind pluggin'
that lamp in over there for me?

Well, not at all, Miss Brooks.
Not at all.

Let me just find
this thing here.

- Are you grounded, Mr. Brooks?
- I beg your pardon?

Oh, I hope I didn't wet you.
I'm sorry.

Oh, Lord. I guess it ain't
as wet as it usually get...

when you forget to wear
that damn diaper in bed.

- Well, I'll wear my diaper if you wear some socks.
- [Laughs]

Those toes of yours
look like a row of Brazil nuts.

If you so worried about
covering things up...

please would you stop wearing
them see-through negligees?

You're body make
my stomach spoil.

You got so much
hair on your chest...

I need a damn weed whacker
to find one of those...

shriveled, lopsided
nipples you got.

Is that so?
Well, Mr. Brooks...

with your false teeth,
your glass eye, your wooden leg...

your plastic hip, your pacemaker
and your hearing aid...

you got more attachments
than a Hoover a*t*matic.

At least my parts ain't
drooping, Miss Brooks.

Your butt hangs so low...

you can walk and cover your tracks
at the same time.

Mr. Brooks, would you get that ball
of yarn for me, please?

Oh, why, sure, Miss Brooks.
Why, sure, Miss Brooks.

[g*nsh*t]

Damn kid
with the firecrackers!

Here's your yarn, Miss Brooks.
Whatcha knittin'?

- Oh, I'm knittin' a muzzle... for your mama.
- Uh-oh.

Uh-oh.
It's on now.

Oh, it's on now.
Speaking of mamas...

Your mama's so cockeyed...

she can watch a tennis match, and she don't
even move that big head of hers.

- You gone and done it now, Mr. Brooks.
- Come on!

- Ooh!
- Ooh!

I see you still got your hook.
Well, here I go.

- Uppercut!
- [Groans]

Mr. Brooks, now you done worked me up.
Let me get my blood pressure medication.

- Ooh, and my heart...
- Mr. Brooks!

[Doorbell Rings]

Help!

We've fallen,
and we can't get up!

Grandpa,
I left my wallet...

Why, you frisky little devils!

After all those
years, Grandpa.

Well, we still together!

Well, since you're
down there now...

Please welcome
E.M.I. Recording artist...

g*ng Starr,
featuring Nice & Smooth.

Doin' their new
current single, "DWYCK"!

♪♪ [Hip-hop]

[g*ng Starr] Come on!
Come on! Come on! Come on!

Ya know what time it is!
Get up out your seat. Make some noise.

How many people in the place
love your mother?

If you love your mother,
put you hands up like this...

and wave from
side to side.

- Say hey-oh!
- [Audience] Hey-oh!

- Say hey-oh!
- Hey-oh!

Somebody scream!

[Screaming]

♪♪ [Rapping]

[Man Speaking]

♪♪ [Rapping Continues]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Rapping]

Peace to Brooklyn.
Peace to uptown, the Bronx.

♪♪ [Fades]