04x06 - November 1, 1992

[bunniefuu]

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Anything you want is up to you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You for me and me for you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can be anything you wanna be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Let's take a trip and sip on a dream ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

- ♪ Glide with the guide on a funky scene ♪
- ♪ All right ♪

♪ Here comes another one of those
funky, funny mo'money shows ♪

♪ A cast for laughs
and talented roles ♪

♪ And sisters with twisters
for you been lookin', listener♪

♪ It seems you don't believe
so you can believe what I convince ya ♪

♪ Some booty to your short and thought
We'll make it snappy ♪

♪ With jokes and pokes
at folks to keep you happy ♪

♪ No need to hold
your remote control ♪

♪ Chill
This show's got soul ♪

♪ All aboard, all aboard
The train never troubles ♪

♪ You'd better snuggle up
couple up ♪

- ♪ On the double-dub-double ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's hard to believe
but some of the best things in life are free ♪

♪ So, fellas, grab your girl
Tell her that you love her♪

♪ 'Cause that's the way you're livin'
when you're livin'in living color♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go, go ♪♪

[Man Announcing]
And now, another episode ofThe Head Detective.

I don't see anything, Detective Head.

- It smells like a setup to me.
- [Sniffs Deeply]

But you wouldn't know anything about that,
because you're just a stupid rookie.

Hey, hey, hey!
I'm not stupid, okay?

Besides, why do they call you "Head"?

Something crazy from
your college days, huh?

Just go check out the back.
I'll keep an eye on things here.

Okay. Wait, wait. We need a code word
you can yell if you get in trouble.

How 'bout "help," you idiot?

Got it. No problem.

I'm gonna camouflage you.

- Mmm, ripe and ready to eat.
- [Switch Clicks]

And you, mi amigo,
are ripe and ready to die.

The Dominguez brothers...
Manny, Moe and Joaquin.

I thought I sent you to prison for life.

Yeah, but with good behavior...
Phht! Got out in three months.

And we spent those three long meses
dreaming of the day...

when we could put you through
your worst nightmare.

No, no, not juggling. Help!

- Freeze!
- Help!

Damn, that sounds like Head.
But he definitely said, "Help, you idiot."

He's just yelling "Help."
[Laughs]

He's probably testing me.
Oh, it's a trap.

Think you're slick, Head.

Freeze.

Buenas noches, la Cabeza. Pull!

- Go on!
- [Laughing Wildly]

[Beeping]

Doc! Is he gonna make it?

It's touch and go at this point, son.
We... had to amputate.

Amputate? What-What part?

- Maybe we should sit down.
- Damn it, Doc! Give it to me straight.

- His hands and his feet.
- Oh, God!

We were able to save his ears.

- Can I see him, Doc?
- Do you have a strong stomach, son?

- Yeah.
- [Whispers] Go ahead.

- [Machinery Beeping]
- Come on, sir.

You're gonna make it. Just hold on.
You're gonna make it.

- Okay?
- [Sustained Beep]

No, sir, I won't let you go!

Clear!

- [ElectricalJolt]
- Uuh!

Clear!

Ow!

- Rookie?
- Sir?

- Is that you, rookie?
- You bet!

- I can't feel my arms.
- They're in the other room, sir.

- Rookie, come here.
- Huh?

- Come closer.
- Yeah?

[Shouting] What the hell is wrong with you,
leaving me alone like that?

Get me out of here.
It's payback time.

- ♪♪ [Salsa]
- [All Chattering]

Hey, check here.
We got a package for the Dominguez brothers.

It's from Juan Valdez, a piñata-gram.

Hey, somebody likes us.
All right!

It'll make hiding from the law
a little bit more fun.

Ah, ¡mira! It's party time!
[Chuckles]

- Okay, freeze, jalapeños. You're under arrest.
- ¡La Cabeza!

No! N-No! Heads up, wiseguy.

- Look out, Head!
- You may have won this time, la Cabeza...

but I'm going to have the last laugh.
[Laughing]

Head!

Ha-ha-ha! ¡A y!

I got you, Head! I got you!
Come on, baby. Come on.

- Whoo-hoo!
- Thanks, rookie.

Yeah!

Head? Head?

[Announcer] This has been another episode
ofThe Head Detective.

Excuse me, madam.
Could I have a moment of your time, please?

- I'm sorry, I'm in a hurry. I've got a plane to catch.
- Please, wait.

You don't understand. I'm not a beggar,
I'm a poet, and I'd like to read you a short poem.

Now, if you like my poem,
then I'd appreciate a small donation.

If not, then all I want to hear
is your honest criticism.

All right, go ahead.

Thank you. I call this poem...

"Unidentified Flying Objects."

Hark, who goes there?

A bird, a butterfly...

tender raindrops falling.

A rock, a brick, a tightly clenched fist.

Ka-bang!
Crashing into the unsuspecting bitch's skull.

Ouch! Groan!
A bloodcurdling scream.

Aa-aa-aahh!
Fingers clawing at piercing blue eyes!

All the colors of the rainbow,
when all I wanted was some green.

Pain, agony, misery!

These are a few of my favorite things.
[Spits]

[Stammering]
Th-That was very good.

- Um, here take this. Uh, just please, don't hurt me!
- Hey! Hey, thanks.

- Thanks for supporting arts. Have a nice trip, lady.
- Excuse me, sir.

- Would you like to buy some
candy to support my troop?
- Sorry, littleJohn Singleton...

but I ain't got no...

I ain't in a position right now to make
a monetary contribution to your cause.

But, uh, have a...
Feel free to take this little poem back with you...

to your little friends
at the clubhouse, okay?

I call this poem "Twinkle, Twinkle."

You like that, right?
"Twinkle, Twinkle."

Twinkle, twinkle, little Smurf...

selling Milk Duds on my turf.

Disappear without a trace.

On a carton of milk, you'll find his face.

Twinkle, twinkle, candy man...

punched in your mouth
by this big, black hand.

Hey, there, little fella.
Is this guy bothering you?

He's a bad man!

All right, buddy,
let's see your solicitor's permit.

- Hey, man, since when do you need
a permit to recite poetry?
- Are you a poet?

- Yeah!
- Well, now, why didn't you say so?

- I'm a bit of a poet myself.
- Get outta here.

- Yeah, and I'd like your honest criticism.
- Okay.

Now, I call this one
"The Poet Near Gate ."

[Clears Throat]

[Loudly]
There once was a cop on his b*at...

who met up with a poet
from the street.

The cop threw him in jail,
the poet couldn't make his bail...

and now his nickname
is just "Sweet Meat"!

Where you going, man?
You're gonna miss the best part!

All right, the show's over.
Come on. Move a long, little guy.

♪♪ [Funk]

♪♪ [Man Rapping]

[Cheering]

Thank you.

Thank you.

But you know,
waking up every morning...

on a cold sidewalk...

with no food or shelter,
that's not so funny.

The homeless don't need our scorn.
They need our respect.

- They shouldn't have to beg.
- ♪♪ [Singing Soul]

Okay, okay. All right, I'll bite.

- Who-Who are you?
- Oh, I'm Anton Jackson.

It's a pleasure
to meet your acquaintance.

- Hey!
- Hey, I'm an all-around entertainer.

I'm surprised you didn't
invite me to be on the show.

See, I do comedy, magic...
You know, I do all sorts of things.

Listen, mister,
we're doing a show here.

You better get off me
'fore I move my bowels on you.

Now, l... I don't think that'll be necessary.
Look, just let him stay, you know.

Since the show is about
people like him...

I think maybe it's only fair that
we should let him perform, okay?

- I think... What do you say?
- [Cheering]

So, okay. All right, so, uh...
so let's-let's see what you can do.

- Anton?
- Yeah, okay. Well, my first magic trick...

I'm gonna make Whoopi here disappear.

Now, I say, hocus-pocus,
broccoli and ocras...

couple of Vienna sausage,
a hard-boiled egg...

and some leftover Chinese food.

- Oh, God, man!
- Disappear!

Ta-da!

Okay, just like Ghost.

You know, its good to be back in L.A.
I just spent time on the road.

Actually, it was more like the ground.
[Laughs]

Ba-dum-bum.
That's a "bum roll."

I just flew in from the sperm bank,
and boy are my arms tired.

Seriously, folks, seriously,
I was standing in line...

at the soup kitchen the other day,
a woman comes up to me.

She said, "Hey, what's your sign?"
I said, "Will work for food."

And now, for another magic trick,
ladies and gentlemen...

the never-ending booger.

Here, bring that home to your kids.

All right, ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to introduce a good friend of mine.

This is my little homeless pal, Squeegee.

Say hello to the people, Squeegee.

[Nasally]
Hey, hello, how's everybody? Where we at?

Oh, we're at the Comic Releef.

Okay, well, then,
let me relieve myself.

Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen, thank you.

Listen, ladies and gentlemen,
I'm not gonna hog the whole show...

because I'd like to introduce...

a very personal friend of mine...

a discovery of my own.

I met this woman in my box...

and I've been trying
to unwrap hers ever since.

Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for Miss Shirley Dupree!

Give it up, damn it.
I didn't come all the way...

from the Betty Ford Center here tonight
for you to look at me like I'm crazy.

Put them hands together
and give up the clap!

[Cheers, Whistles]

Thank you.
Yes, I just flew in from Betty's place...

and I want you to know...

that Betty can have
my endorsement any day.

I had a ball.

[Coughs]
By the way...

I was introduced tonight
as Shirley Dupree.

But I'm known among my peers...

on the jazz circuit...

as Shirley "Thunderbutt"...

Dupree.

[Scattered Laughter]

Why you laughing?

I know why you're laughing.
You're saying, "Well, where's the butt?"

Well, I want all
y'all to know something.

I was a fine, young,
sexy thing in my day.

I had breasts as big as basketballs...

and a butt bigger
than Oprah Winfrey's...

and Nell Carter's put together.

And if I'm lyin', I'm flyin'.
As you can see, I'm still here on the ground.

I want to thank Whippi...

Whoppi... Wonton...
whatever her name is...

for helping the homeless people.

We homeless people
got to stick together...

and we've gotta get our own.

Which reminds me of a song my good,
dead friend Billie Holiday used to sing.

♪♪ [Singing Blues]

Sound like her, don't I?

Oh, yeah. Come on.

Help me out here, Anton.

Help me out, baby.

♪♪ [Imitating Harmonica]

♪♪ [Imitating Harmonica Continues]

[Cheering, Applause]

Thank you.

Damn, I didn't know you could sing like that.
Mama, you sure can blow.

You ain't seen nothing yet.

Hey, thank you very much.
We had a great time tonight.

And I just want to remind you...
we all want to remind you... get out and vote.

It's the only way we can
bring about change. Vote!

♪♪ [Hip-hop]