04x08 - November 15, 1992

[bunniefuu]

So, what's up?

[Chuckling]

I'm Chris Rock.
Do you guys know me?

I've been on Saturday Night Live now
for three years...

but, sometimes,
people just don't recognize me.

And that's why I carry this:

The Anonymous Express Card.

[Irish Accent]
All right, son, no loiterin'.

This area's for cast members only.
You'll have to move along.

But, look. See?
I'm in the cast.

I've never seen ya on the show.

And this is Studio H,
home to the hit Saturday Night Live.

Watch this.
Hey, folks.

Excuse me.
Anybody want an autograph?

Who are you?

I'm Chris Rock.
You know, I play Nat "X."

You know, Nat "X,"
the angry, black talk show host.

"Hey, watch out, man!
The white man cam coming.

I know you wanna see me like this,
behind them bars."

I know who you are.
You were, uh, uh, Gumby.

No, that's Eddie Murphy, damn it!
I'm the other black guy.

Oh! You're Damon Wayans!

No! He got fired
from his first season.

Now he's on that other show, the one
I should have been on in the first place.

Hey, look, everybody!
It's Adam Sandler!

Hey, wait!
Hey, wait! Come back!

I'm a celebrity, I tell you.

I've been in two whole sketches
this season.

Hey, how you doin'?

Chris Rock!
How you doin', man?

It's me... Garrett Morris.

- Who?
- Garrett Morris!

The Anonymous Express Card.

Never be the only black guy
on an all-white show without it.

You know, man.
"Base-a-ball been berry, berry good to me."

Garrett Morris, man.
Garrett Mor...

"Our top story tonight is"...

I thought I told you two to move along.
Now, take your friend with ya.

- Get goin'!
- Don't push me.

Get goin', buddy.

[Announcer] Anonymous Express.
Don't be the only black man...

on an all-white show without it.

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Anything you want is up to you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You for me and me for you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can be anything you wanna be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Let's take a trip and sip on a dream ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

- ♪ Glide with the guide on a funky scene ♪
- ♪ All right ♪

♪ Here comes another one
of those funky, funny mo'money shows ♪

♪ A cast for laughs and talented roles ♪

♪ And sisters with twisters
for you been lookin'listener♪

♪ It seems you don't believe
so you can believe what I convince ya ♪

♪ Some booty to your short and thought
We'll make it snappy ♪

♪ With jokes and pokes
at folks to keep you happy ♪

♪ No need to hold
your remote control ♪

♪ Chill
This show's got soul ♪

♪ All aboard, all aboard
The train never troubles ♪

♪ You'd better snuggle up
couple up ♪

- ♪ On the double-dub-double ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's hard to believe but some of
the best things in life are free ♪

♪ So, fellas, grab your girl
Tell her that you love her♪

♪ 'Cause that's the way you're livin'
when you're livin'in living color♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go, go ♪♪

- Have we decided on anything?
- Yes. I'll have a white wine.

Okay. And for you, miss?

- Uh, yes, uh...
- Oh, my God!

What is wrong with you?
Can I get a birra?

Can I have a birra?

Dog, he act like he seen
a baboon or somethin'.

You know, um, I think
you're gonna like Mike's friend Luther.

- He's an actor.
- Oh, girl, no, you didn't.

You got Denzel Washington.
Denzel? Denz?

Denzel? Where is he?

Oh, there they are.
They're over here, Luther.

Man, I hope she ain't ugly...

'cause I can't stand me no ugly girl,
you know what I mean?

Yeah, don't worry, man. I think you two
got a lot in common with each other.

- Hey!
- Come on.

Uh, Luther, I want you to meetJudy.

Judy, this is Luther.
And, uh, uh, this is Wanda.

- Hey, baby.
- Damn! What the...

No! No! This is Luther! This is Luther!
Wanda... Wanda, this is Luther!

Luther, this is Wan...
Luther. Luther.

I'm gonna bust his head.

Girl, uh-uh. This is not gonna work.
I got to go.

- I have to go.
- Just sit.

Girl, I got a reputation.
I have a reputation to uphold.

Now, do I look like I'd be attracted
to somebody like that?

Hey, man, she is fine.

♪♪ [Singing]

So, uh, Luther,
Mike tells me you're an actor.

I can't seem
to place your face.

That's cause I, uh...
I do a lot of radio acting.

You know,
that type of thing.

You know, mostly commercials
and voice-over work.

Well, you need to move your voice over there,
and take your ugly face with you.

Hey, baby, I'd go
anywhere you want, Wanda.

My heart is poundin' for ya.

Well, my ass is itchin'.
You need to lose yourself.

- What's wrong with her, man?
- Come on, now, Wanda.

Just hang in there, all right?

Girl, no, girl.
He looks like an ostrich on cr*ck, girl.

He needs... No, girl.
He needs to put his head in the ground.

- I can't take this.
- Would you...

Would you just give him a chance?
You owe me.

You set me up with your brother.

Well, my brother's good-lookin'.
Hell, he look just like me.

Please?
Please, Wanda?

- Please? For me?
- Oh, you'd make me sick
if you weren't my best friend.

Baby, you smell good.
What you wearin', Speed Stick?

And your eyes are so beautiful.

I know this. Why don't you go be
a victim of a drive-by or somethin'?

Hey, baby.

- Baby, I think I hear your lips calling me.
- Yes, they are.

And, baby,
I wanna sex you up.

- And I wanna hose you down.
- Hey, baby, why you dissin' me?

- You know, I can act real...
I mean real, real ugly.
- I know you can act like it.

You can probably get
an Oscar for it.

"For Best Supporting Ugliness
goes to Ronald Jackson."

You know, Wanda,
looks aren't everything.

I think he's actually quite smart.

Well, if he's so smart,
how come he can't cure ugliness?

You know, just, just...
Why don't you just chill out, you know?

I really like this guy,
and you are blowing it for me.

I'm your best friend.
I even loaned you that dress.

Girl, you can have this little funky dress,
and these drawers too.

- I don't need 'em.
- Stop it!

I'll take those.

Here's your white wine.

- And for you, sir?
- Huh, baby?

- Oh, my God! Not again!
- Hey, man, you want some?

He talkin' about my lady?
That's my lady, man.

- That's my lady.
- All right. Come on. Let's just sit down.

- I don't want nobody gettin' in my stuff.
- Luther, come on, man.

You gotta get used to people starin' at us.
People stare at me all the time.

They get me mixed up with Iman
and Vanessa Williams and all them girls.

[Impersonating Rodney King]
Come on, guys! Can't we all just get along?

No, Rodney, we can't,
and I'm ready to go.

- Hey, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You ain't goin' nowhere.
- What's wrong with you?

- What's wrong with you?
- Hey!

- What is wrong with you? No, you didn't.
- I got you! I got you!

You ain't got nobody.
I'll snap your neck smooth in two.

L-I got you, baby.

- You better understand this. Girl, I'll...
- I got you, though.

It looks like you guys are having such fun,
we're just gonna go and take off.

- Uh, good luck, Luther.
- Girl, don't you leave me here with Chewbacca.

Hey. Come here, baby.

Look here.
Look here.

- Sweetheart, look here. We don't need them.
- You're bruisin' me.

- Hey, hey, hey.
- You're bruisin' me.

- Look here. I'll be gentle.
- I'm bruised. I'm bruised.

♪ I'll be gentle ♪
Check it out.

I know I ain't no Billy Dee Williams
or noJimmie Walker or Shabba Ranks...

but I understand
the finer things in life.

And, right now,
you about the finest, baby. [Laughs]

Well, I don't know why you tryin'
to compare yourself to Shabba Ranks...

'cause you don't compare.

- Why you dissin' me, babe?
- I gotta go.

Wanda... Wanda, look.
No, girl... Look, Wanda. Wanda.

I only got three words for you, baby.
I love you.

Damn it!
[Sobbing]

Did you say you love me?

Look me in my eye and say that.

Look me in my eye.
In this eye.

- Where?
- This one right here.

Come right here. Come right here.
Come right here. No...

- I see you now. I see you now.
- This way more.

- All right. Hold it right there.
- Okay, I see you.

- I see you.
- Now, say it.

You're beautiful.

- You love me?
- I love you, Wanda.

- Will you rock my world?
- I'll rock your world, baby.

I will rock your world.
I'll rock your world, Wanda.

- I'll rock your world.
- I can't take this!

- I'll tell you what.
- I'll rock your world!

You call me if you really
wanna rock my world.

My Cinder...
My Wandarella!

Hey, Wanda!

Hi!
My name is Loomis Simmons...

and if you put your mind to it...

you can make me rich!

Now, there are a lot of"get rich quick"
schemes on TV these days...

but my system is different.

Ya see, you ain't
never gonna be rich.

You just ain't.
It ain't gonna happen for you.

But you can still have
a part of some success... mine's.

And with a minimal investment...

you can make me one of
the richest mens in the world.

And when I have money, I'm happy.

Let me show you.
This is a picture of me with no money.

And this is a picture
of me with money.

See, your money
ain't gonna go far.

But when you put it all together
with everybody else's...

then give it to me,
it can go a long way...

and in "styrle."

I used to be just like you,
down on my luck...

livin' from paycheck to paycheck...

sittin' on my couch
like an old, wet food stamp.

Then, I thought,
"Hold up, Loomis.

Why should we all be miserable?"

Here are a few people who have
benefited from my amazing program.

My wife needed
a critical heart operation.

It was either that
or send money to Loomis.

I had a tough choice to make, but
I think she would have wanted it that way.

Ain't that right, baby?

I sent for Loomis's tapes, even though
my husband laughed at me for doing it.

Then, I sent Loomis our nest egg.

And I would just like to say
to my family, wherever they are...

"See? Who's laughing now?

Loomis is rich,
and you said it couldn't be done."

See what I mean?
All over the planet...

peoples is findin' out
that I can be rich.

Now, all they did
was send me money.

You can too.
And for a limited time...

if you send me a gift of over
a hundred dollars, you'll receive...

the Loomis Simmons
five-cassette audio course.

The first cassette is entitled
"Thank You."

It has a special "thank you" message
from me to you.

[Loomis On Tape]
Thank you. Muchas gracias.

Uh, merci beaucoup.

Thank you.
[MockJapanese]

Cassette number two
is called "Loomis Hums."

It contains over minutes...

of me hummin' my favorite tunes.

Let's listen.

♪♪ [Humming Indistinct Tune]

- ♪♪ [Ends]
- And the other three tapes...
Well, they just blank.

You can do whatever
you want with them.

If you play 'em
and put the volume real loud...

you hear a soft hiss...

much like the soothin' sound
of the sea.

Remember, I can't make me rich.

You have to take the initiative.

Now is the time. Don't let
my opportunity pass you by.

I can be richer than
any of us can even imagine.

So, don't just sit there!
Make a difference! Make a change!

Make me rich!

♪♪ [Theme]

[Announcer] And, now,
for the further adventures of Handi Man!

Ooh! Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Will the owner of
a pink Isuzi please move it?

You're parked in
a handicapped zone.

Oh, my!
I had no idea.

Tell me, how can I ever
make it up to you?

Well, rubbing your breasts
against me is a good start.

- Oh!
- What am I saying? I mean, I'm Handi Man.

I defend and protect
the physically challenged.

Well, what would you say to
a little physical challenge of our own?

Wow!

I must have left my handi-shorts
in the dryer too long.

Handi, I know we've just met...

but I would be so happy if
you would wear this little chain for me.

You make me hotter than
orthopedic shoes on Georgia asphalt.

Georgia asphalt?
Oh, no.

- What's happening?
- What's wrong?

The medallion.

It must be made of"cripplenite"...

the one substance
that renders me totally powerless.

Well, what's the trouble, sugar?

Well, I feel fine when I sit down.

- But when I stand up,
things go 'round and 'round.
- Oh, my!

Handi Man.
A pleasure as always.

I was just thinking about you
as I ran over a Seeing Eye dog.

[Sinister Laughter]

Dr. Naughty.
I should have known.

You betrayed me.
Bitch.

- Oh.
- Please, Handi.

Did you really think
a woman as alluring...

as my Nurse Kaiser...

could actually be attracted
to the likes of you?

No, I see she's only attracted
to the sexually disabled.

I didn't tell him.
I swear!

Go ahead.
Have your little joke, Handi Man.

Your kind won't be
laughing long.

Doug, why don't you help that
four-legged fellow get his bearings?

[Sinister Laughter]

You've gone too far, Dr. Naughty.

I still can muster up
enough strength...

to take care of you
and this big-headed bully.

Let's get busy!

May I have a scotch and soda, please?

Get him, Doug!

I was just kiddin' about
the big-headed stuff, Doug.

Oh, that's...
Oh, that's gotta hurt.

You had enough?

Clean up this mess, handi wipe.

God, I'm so embarrassed.

♪♪ [Singing]

[Hiccups]

♪♪ [Singing Continues]

[Slurring]
I've been defeated.

I'll never be able
to hold my head up...

and look people
straight in the eye again.

Handi, you could never hold your head up
and look people straight in the eye.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Pour me another drink, please.

Oh, Handi!

Oh, just look at you.
What have I done?

I've been so riddled with guilt,
I can't even sleep at night.

You know, there was one thing
I hadn't counted on in all of this.

I didn't count on
falling in love with you.

Yeah, well, you got a funny way
of showing your affection.

Look at me.
It's too late.

- I've lost my superpowers.
- No!

You mustn't say that. No, you have to
pull yourself together, Handi.

The power is within you.
It's always been there.

Just break that chain!

- I can't do it.
- You've got to.

- I can't do it.
- Oh, you've got to.

[Straining]

I did it!
I'm back!

♪♪ [Humming]

I'm so proud of you.

- I gotta go stop Dr. Naughty.
- Yes.

Please meet me
at my place tonight, sugar.

- Oh!
- Sorry.

Up, up, and away!

[Announcer]
Will Handi stop his fiendish foe...

from burnishing the bumps
in every braille book?

Aha!

Another wheelchair ramp in Utah
has been turned into stairs.

Soon, every handicapped toilet
in the country...

will have a little,
narrow doorway...

and every hearing aid will share
a radio frequency with Howard Stern!

[Sinister Laughter]

- Not so fast, Dr. Naughty.
- [Gasps]

It looks like the shoe
is on the other clubbed foot.

Handi Man!
How could this be possible?

The cripplenite!

Haven't you learned? Never underestimate
the powers of the handicapped.

Throw him in the cr*pple pit!

Don't remember to visit the Alamo.

Curse you, Handi Man!

Tell it to the judge, Dr. Naughty.

Oh, Handi!

Nurse Kaiser, how could you?

Once you go handicapped,
you'll never go back.

Come on, Nurse Kaiser.
We got a lot of catching up to do.

- Up, up, and away!
- Well, wait a minute. I can't fly!

- Well, hang on to my handi-shorts.
- Okay.

Up, up, and away!

[Announcer] Tune in next time
for the further adventures...

of Handi Man!

Two up-and-coming brothers,
also very talented producers.

Got the slammin' album out
Mecca and the Soul Brother.

That's on Elektra Records. So, please welcome,
from money-earnin' Mt. Vernon...

Pete Rock and C.L. Smooth...
"Straighten It Out."

♪♪ [Rap]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Ends]