04x09 - November 22, 1992

[bunniefuu]

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Anything you want is up to you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You for me and me for you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can be anything you wanna be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Let's take a trip and sip on a dream ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

- ♪ Glide with the guide on a funky scene ♪
- ♪ All right ♪

♪ Here comes another one of those
funky, funny mo'money shows ♪

♪ A cast for laughs
and talented roles ♪

♪ And sisters with twisters
for you been lookin', listener♪

♪ It seems you don't believe
so you can believe what I convince ya ♪

♪ Some booty to your short and thought
We'll make it snappy ♪

♪ With jokes and pokes
at folks to keep you happy ♪

♪ No need to hold
your remote control ♪

♪ Chill
This show's got soul ♪

♪ All aboard, all aboard
The train never troubles ♪

♪ You'd better snuggle up
couple up ♪

- ♪ On the double-dub-double ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's hard to believe
but some of the best things in life are free ♪

♪ So, fellas, grab your girl
Tell her that you love her♪

♪ 'Cause that's the way you're livin'
when you're livin'in living color♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go ♪♪

- Hey, Grandma, you need help with somethin'?
- Oh, no, thank you, baby.

- I got all the help I need here in old Mr. Brooks.
- Oh, that's right.

Me and Mrs. Brooks have been making
Thanksgiving for the family...

going well nigh on years now.

[Both]
And we're still doin' it together.

Yeah, we're gonna go to the store
and get some pumpkin pie for dessert.

- Okay, baby. Bye, babies!
- Y'all... Y'all be careful now.

Mm-hmm. Yes, indeed.

You know, Mrs. Brooks...

Iooking at your big old flabby
Jell-O pudding jiggling behind...

made me a mite depressed.

Would you mind getting me
some eggnog and rum?

Oh, sure, Mr. Brooks.

It's an honor to serve a man
whose hemorrhoids are so big...

he's taller sittin' down
than standin' up.

- And while we're doin' each other favors...
- Mm-hmm?

Do you mind stuffing
the turkey for me?

Well, not at all, Mrs. Brooks.
Not at all.

Thanks to you, I'm an expert at sticking
my hand up cold, ugly birds.

- [Snapping Sound]
- Ooh! Oh!

Ow! Oh!
You know, Mrs. Brooks...

I ain't felt pain like that
since the night we got intimate...

and your dentures
locked up on my nipple.

Would you mind getting me a Band-Aid
from out of the cabinet?

Why, sure, Mr. Brooks.

I wouldn't talk if I was you,
Mr. Brooks.

You the only man I know who got
a label on his drawers that says...

"Contents may cause drowsiness."

And as far as a Band-Aid
is concerned...

I believe there's one right there
over in the closet.

Well, you one to talk about
a person's body, now, Mrs. Brooks.

You're one to talk. Oh.

Mm-hmm.

sh**t. Between all that
meaty thighs you've got...

the cheese under your neck
and them rolls of fat on your belly...

you a walking delicatessen.

- Oh, you ready to take your trip now, Mrs. Brooks?
- Oh, I'm not going anywhere.

- The hell you ain't.
- [Squeals]

Now, either my eyes are
playing tricks on me, Mrs. Brooks...

or you starting to look
just like your mama.

I wouldn't talk about mamas
if I was you, Mr. Brooks.

Your mama's butt is so blubbery,
last time she bent over...

a toilet bowl and two stools
fell out.

Oh, watch out.
That's my mama. Watch out.

Oh, my goodness.
Do you see that fly in the punch bowl?

Where? Where, where, where?

Here!

Oh, no.

Where'd she go?
Now, that was stupid.

That was plain stupid, Mrs. Brooks.

Oh, you're not one to talk about stupid,
Mr. Brooks.

Your daddy's so stupid, he thought a condom
had two bedrooms and a Jacuzzi.

Yeah? Well, at least my daddy
had common sense.

Oh, he the one told me...

He said, " Son, you don't marry hos.
You rent 'em."

You gone done it now, old man!

Prepare to meet your pacemaker!

En garde, Mrs. Brooks.

I'm about to chop you up
like n*gro sushi.

[Ferocious Shouting]

Oh, you done angered me now.
Prepare to enter the dragon.

Only thing I see draggin' around here
is them sagging breasts of yours.

Ha-ha! Yeah. I see your master
done trained you well, grasshopper.

But the smell of death is in the air.

Oh, that's not the smell of death,
Mr. Brooks. That's your upper lip.

[Grunting]

- Grandma! Grandpa!
- On the table?

[Both]
We still together.

[Man] Welcome to Candy Cane's
Puppet-Time Theatre.

- Lookie yonder.
- Hi, kids!

I'm Candy Cane,
and welcome to the show.

Boy, oh, boy,
are we gonna have fun today...

because every day's fun
in Candy Cane Land.

Except for Saturday night, when you
sit home alone being stood up again...

because men are lying scum
who never call back.

Oh, but that's not
your problem... yet.

Hey, there, Candy.
How ya doin'? Land O'Goshen.

Well, look, kids. It's Farmer Smiley.

- Sure enough here.
- I haven't seen him in a while.

How you doin', kids? I'm here to tell you
about the letter of the day.

- Lookie yonder.
- [Gasps]

And what letter is that, Farmer Smiley?

Well, the letter is, Candy... is "C."

- Lookie there.
- That's a great letter!

Mmm.
What words start with the letter "C"?

- Uh... Cow.
- Cat.

- Car.
- Cruel.

- Cookie.
- Creep.

- Cake.
- Commitment.

- sh**t, dog.
- Okay, now let's put them all together...

and make the sentence of the day.

- I've got one.
- Oh, Lord.

Farmer Smiley is a cruel cat
who can't commit to Candy Cane...

'cause he'd rather be
with his wife, who's a cow.

Can you think of
any other words that start...

with the letter "C," Farmer Smiley?

Yeah, I can think of some words
that start with "C."

I'm sorry. Come back.

[Giggling]
Call me!

- [Chimes Ringing]
- Uh-oh! You know what that means?

It's Fun Fitness Time...

and to help Candy Cane today
are my two very best friends...

Anorexic Rabbit...

and Bulimic Beaver.

Okay. Let's begin.

♪ Bend and stretch
and reach for the stars ♪

♪ I'm wasting my life
in single bars ♪

Again!

♪ You're still gaining weight
but what can you do ♪

♪ When you're a used-up bar slut ♪♪

Who's been a pin cushion for every Tom,
d*ck and Farmer Smiley in town!

I can't even rhyme!
[Screams]

[Screaming, Sobbing]

♪♪ [Horns: Fanfare]

[Laughing]
Oh, kids. Did you hear that?

It's time for Fairy Tale Castle.

Today we're going to tell you the story
about the beautiful maiden...

and the handsome prince.

Once upon a time in a faraway land
lived a fair maiden...

with a little bit of cellulite,
but you could barely see it.

And one day
she met a handsome prince.

Hello, fair maiden.

I have never seen such a beauty
in all the lands.

Would you like to see my castle?
[Sinister Laughing]

The fair maiden didn't want
to seem so cheap and desperate...

but she had never done it
in a castle before.

Well, you've made
the right decision, fair maiden.

Just open up your drawbridge
and let my Trojan horse inside.

Ha! Ha! Ha!

[High-pitched Voice]
Isn't there something you're forgetting?

Oh, uh, uh... I, uh, uh... Hmm.

- I love you?
- Bingo!

The fair maiden was in love.

Let's do this froggy style.
Baby, come on! Ha-ha!

Give me some bam, bam!
Yeah! Bam! Two times!

- Bam! Come on. Come on. Baby! Ha-ha!
- Oh! Ouch!

- Oh, yeah.
- But then the prince showed his true colors...

- by saying...
- I'm tired. Go catch a cab.

So the fair maiden
turned to him and said...

"Burn in hell, you creep user pig!"

[Screaming]
Crazy bitch!

Then the fair maiden pulled out a g*n
and blasted off the prince's crown jewels!

Come on, baby.
It's not like that. It was a joke, see?

And the fair maiden lived
happily ever after...

in a world without
filthy, evil, stinking men!

Bye-bye, kids.

♪♪ [Man Singing: Hip-hop]

♪♪ [Man Rapping]

♪♪ [Fades]

- ♪♪ [Woman Singing: Disco]
- [Announcer] Cable Access Channel presents...

Men On Cooking.

Hello. I'm Blayne Edwards.

And I'm Antoine Merrywether.

- And welcome to Mens On Cooking.
- Mens On Cooking.

This is the show that look at cooking
from a male point of view.

Mm-hmm. Today's show
is brought to you by a brand-new sponsor...

Dairy Queen.

I scream, you scream,
we all scream down at the Dairy Queen.

[Screams]

Now, today...

today we're gonna make
a very special dinner only for the mens.

Mm-hmm. We're gonna start with special
cocktail weenies for hors d'oeuvres.

- Why do they call 'em "ho d'oeuvres" anyway?
- 'Cause a ho gotta eat too.

Ooh!

Well, I just love these scrumptious
little piggies in a blanket.

All hot and steamy.

Nestled up in between two soft buns.

Just plumpin' when you cook 'em.

Mmm. And they're bite-sized too.

Yummy! Now it's time for us
to decide on our main dish.

I was watching one of them other little shows
on TV, and they was cookin' up red snapper.

[Both]
Hated it!

That's why we always decided on poultry.

'Cause nobody love a little chicken
more than we do.

So anyways...

Oh, boy! Ooh, I got
a sudden yen for some beef.

- Hi. You must be the new boy.
- Yeah.

- What's your name?
- Richard.

I bet they call you "d*ck" for short.

Now here's our poor,
unsuspecting little turkey.

He's nubile and young,
just sittin' there waiting to be dressed.

Don't he look precious,
all naked and helpless and alone?

That remind me of my first time.

We're gonna start by gently
massaging oils into the turkey.

[Whimpers]

- Don't hurt him.
- I'm in love, child. I ain't gonna hurt this bird.

- I think someone's done this before.
- I think so.

See, now we need to loosen this turkey up
by moving his legs around a bit.

Work those turkey legs, little Miss Thing.
Work it. Work it. In and out.

- What's that do?
- Nothin' for the turkey, but it gets me woozy.

You're crazy.

[Gasps]

Oh, my. Look like somebody
already stuffed the turkey.

Excuse me, boy.
Could you put that in my car, please?

Now the luscious bird
is ready to be heated up.

And while you're browning your Butterball,
you can prepare your vegetable side dish.

You know, other shows would suggest...

the traditional tossed salad
topped with cherry tomatoes.

[Both]
Hated it.

- I hate everything but the cherry.
- I know.

Personally,
I prefer a stuffed zucchini.

- Now, remember when you're
selecting your zucchini...
- [Gasps]

You got to squeeze it.

Use all your strength.

Make sure it's ripe.

- Then gently take a Kn*fe...
- [Screams] No! No!

Do not touch this zucchini, child.

This is so beautiful in its natural state.

Boy.

Would you put this in my car, please?

Now it's time to select a volunteer
from the audience.

Let me see. Fish, fish, him.

How can I help?

Um... could you pick that up for me,
please?

Thank you very much.
How 'bout some applause? Yea!

Another perfect way
to please your palate...

is with dessert.

- Ladyfingers? Hated it.
- Hated it.

- Apple Brown Betty? Hated it.
- Hated it.

Ooh.
What about nice, fresh bananas?

[Both]
Yummy!

And what's whole bananas
without somethin' on top of them?

- No fun.
- That's why fresh whipped cream is mandatory.

- Mm-hmm.
- And we like to whip it ourselves.

- [Whirring]
- [Squealing]

Oh!

Now, this item is a must-have.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, boy!

Could you put this in my car?

Oh, uh-uh, uh-uh!
That goes in my car.

You jealous little bitch.

Now we have to say good night...

and it's time to give this meal
a very special...

Chef Boyardee snap.

[Both]
Two snaps, and wipe your mouth.

Join us next week when we show you
how to tenderize your rump roast...

or jerk your chicken.

- I thought we was cookin'.
- Don't we always?

- Until then, ciao, chow, ciao!
- Ciao, chow, ciao!

♪♪ [Woman Singing: Disco]

Tonight we got a very special guest
they call the queen of hip-hop soul.

Please welcome Uptown
recording artist MaryJ. Blige.

♪♪ [Vocalizing]

♪♪ [Singing]

♪♪ [Women Singing]

♪♪ [Vocalizing]

♪♪ [Man Rapping]

♪♪ [Singing Continues]

♪♪ [Vocalizing]

♪♪ [Man Rapping]

- ♪♪ [Man Rapping]
- ♪♪ [Singing Continues]

♪♪ [Rapping Continues]

♪♪ [Singing Continues]

♪♪ [Vocalizing]

♪♪ [Continues, Fades]