04x33 - Episode 33

[bunniefuu]

Hi, I'm JoeJackson.

You know me as the father
of theJackson Five, being a tightwad...

and b*ating my kids
like a drum.

But, you know, you really
shouldn't b*at your kids.

It's just they do so many
damn things that make you mad...

like swell up
when you whup 'em.

Then you got to whup all of'em
so you have a matching set.

That's why I'm so glad
this new toy came along...

theJoeJackson,
Jackson Kids...

Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots.

Yes, now you can
b*at my kids too.

b*at all theJackson kids.

b*at Michael. Hit him so hard,
you'll knock the white off him.

Boy's talking about
a skin disease...

His skin's been bleached more times
than Madonna's mustache.

b*at that stank, LaToya.
Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.

String her up
by her funky weave.

And sucker punch the hell out of
my personal favorite, Tito.

Hey, Tito?
You wanna go a few rounds?

- You gonna knock my block off again, Dad?
- You got that right, boy.

I'm gonna hit you so hard,
by the time you stop rolling...

yourJheri curl's
gonna be back in style.

Compared to you,
Woody Allen's father of the year.

[Laughs]
Good sh*t, Son.

Too bad you can't
knock the talent into somebody.

Oh, I tried.
Lord knows, I tried.

Well, I got you this time.
That's for scaring Michael...

- and that's for cheating on Mom.
- Oh, watch out, Son.

And most of all,
that's for naming me Tito.

Look, I won! I won.
Lfinally did something right.

Yeah, well, watch out
for my left foot. Come here.

I brought you into this world,
I'm gonna take you out.

[Announcer] So don't slug your kids.
Slug JoeJackson's kids.

They're used to it.
Get the new...

JoeJackson, Jackson Kids
Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots.

Just b*at it!

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Anything you want is up to you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You for me and me for you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can be anything you wanna be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Let's take a trip and sip on a dream ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

- ♪ Glide with the guide on a funky scene ♪
- ♪ All right ♪

♪ Here comes another one of those
funky, funny mo'money shows ♪

♪ A cast for laughs
and talented roles ♪

♪ And sisters with twisters
for you been lookin'listener♪

♪ It seems you don't believe
so you can believe what I convince ya ♪

♪ Some booty to your short and thought
We'll make it snappy ♪

♪ With jokes and pokes
at folks to keep you happy ♪

♪ No need to hold
your remote control ♪

♪ Chill
This show's got soul ♪

♪ All aboard, all aboard
The train never troubles ♪

♪ You'd better snuggle up
couple up ♪

- ♪ On the double-dub-double ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's hard to believe but some of
the best things in life are free ♪

♪ So, fellas, grab your girl
Tell her that you love her♪

♪ 'Cause that's the way you're livin'
when you're livin'in living color♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪♪

♪ Go, go ♪♪

Hello, I'm David Alan Grier.
We here at In Living Color are aware...

that our program can
offend certain viewers.

That's why we're
introducing our new...

In Living Color
voice mail feedback line.

If you're a member of an offended
viewer group, we want to hear from you.

Just call this number...
- .

Remember, we want
to hear from you.

[Woman] Hi, you've reached
the In Living Color feedback line.

If you're a h*m* offended by
our portrayal of the gay community, press one.

If you're an African American offended by
negative portrayals of blacks, press two.

If you're a white supremacist
offended by...

our positive portrayal
of blacks, press three.

If you're a feminist offended by
our sexist jokes, press four.

If you're a gay Armenian midget,
press the star button now.

If you're...

Okay, now listen up.
This is how it's gonna be.

This is Mom's Beauty Shop.
Our motto is...

"Bring us your head,
we'll make it happy...

whether you want it
straight, curled or nappy."

My name is LaShawn.
I'll be your supervisor.

Yeah, well, I don't need no supervision,
'cause, you know, I went to USC...

you know, University
of Supercuts, so, uh...

I don't actually need... I got a degree
so I don't really need no supervision...

Well, actually, I don't
really care, you know...

'cause if I was impressed with degrees,
I'd be dating a thermometer or something.

Uh, hello. I've been waiting here
for minutes.

Oh, well, that's cool
and everything.

I'm sure that somewhere in London,
Big Ben is shedding a tear just for you.

Mm-hmm. But what you
need to do right now...

is just read the magazine
and relax.

- This magazine is years old.
- Well, lucky for you.

You'll probably find a picture
of that dress you have on in there.

Uh, what did you say
your name was?

Slade the blade,
to cut them funky braids.

Uh, no, I don't think so.
You don't touch my hair, okay?

That's rule number
one and two, all right?

- What's wrong with you?
- What's wrong with you?

- Just come back here with me and be quiet.
- [Babbling]

Okay, now this is
not a space alien...

it's a woman sitting up
under the dryer.

Now what I want you to do is set
the control on medium for five minutes...

then take her out
and curl her hair, okay?

- Any of that you didn't get?
- Well, what I didn't get is how come...

me and you don't get together,
understand, yo, yo?

Because I don't want to get
what you probably got. Mm-hmm.

Just do what
I'm saying, okay?

And when you finish that, go and put
a tent in Miss Smith's hair.

What she need a tent for?
Her head goin' camping?

Uh, welcome to Mom's
Beauty Shop. May I help you?

I don't know.

- Uh, my boyfriend says I should dye my hair.
- Mm-hmm?

I wanted to get curls,
but my boyfriend says...

- I should probably leave it straight.
- Mm-hmm.

You know, I don't really
know what I should do.

Well, I know exactly
what you should do.

You should probably get your boyfriend
to comb your hair.

Go on somewhere.

Yeah, girl. I'll take you
back to the crib...

throw on some Sly and the Family Stone,
girl, so you can tease me.

Then I'll comb you with that
hot comb Crown Royal greaser.

- Oh, Slade.
- [Laughs]

Excuse me. I'm sure that
Chuck Woolery won't mind me...

breaking up your little love connection,
but what are you doing?

What I'm trying to do is
meet some nice people...

- and get more acquainted
to the people in this staff.
- Mm-hmm.

I'm sure we can plan a little meet and greet
function for you later, you know...

but right now while you've got
so much time on your hands...

why don't you pick up a rag
and clean up around here or something?

And as for you,
Madge the Mouthy Manicurist...

I suggest you get back to work
before you soaking in it, okay?

Okeydokey.

Oh, I know you didn't!
I know...

Do you wipe up the floor
with your grandmother's wig?

Don't answer that.
This wig costs $ .

Well, I'm just doing what you told me to do.
I'm trying to clean up some stuff.

How come you didn't tell me
that VO was your I.Q.? Never mind.

Now, look.
Look, look.

Didn't I tell you to take her
from under the dryer?

[Screams]
Oh, no! Oh, my God!

I'm getting married tomorrow.

Well, I guess you're going
as the bride of Frankenstein.

- [Screams]
- [Babbling]

Oh, for crying out loud.

Won't someone
please finish me off?

Um, well, if you'll excuse me,
Mr. Absentminded Hairdresser...

Wait a minute.
Who you calling absentminded?

Well, pardon me.
I was unaware that you...

turned down a full scholarship to Harvard
so you could go to beauty school...

and ultimately work your way
up into the spotlight...

here at Mom's Beauty Shop.

Come over here.
Did you put the henna in her hair?

Yeah, I put
the henna Barbara in there...

- and it's gonna look good
as soon as it come up out.
- Mm-hmm.

Your confidence is very impressive.
Let's just see that it works, okay?

Oh...

Oh! Oh, what have you
done to my hair?

Oh, oh!

[Laughs]
My bad.

What did you do?
Rinse her hair with Flushes?

When I said I wanted
a movie-star look...

I wasn't thinking
of Marge Simpson.

- I want a refund.
- That's all you want?

Well, honey, before you go to Homer, let me
put you in touch with the refund department.

- Go on somewhere.
- I don't believe it!

Uh, Grandma?

What do you want,
you old heathens?

You got a problem,
you fish-eyed fool?

Uh, yes, thank you.

- Look what he did to me!
- Ha.

Quite an improvement.

Now your hair matches
those veins in your legs.

Listen,
I demand satisfaction.

Hey, look, lady. You don't tell us what
we need to do, understand?

- 'Cause we run this.
- You better watch it, sucka.

You fired.

- Come on, honey. We gonna be late.
- You can't leave me like this.

The hell we can't.

- We got an appointment with the hair dresser.
- After you, Grandma.

♪♪ [Hip-hop]

♪♪ [Men Rapping]

♪♪ [Orchestra Theme]

Captain, the aliens have requested
permission to board, sir.

Permission granted. I am eager
to see what these humanoids look like.

Welcome aboard.

Stop!

Why is it that every black
alien character...

has to have a head
like a butt, a foot...

or some other
embarrassing part of the body?

Thank you, captain.

I hope you don't mind
if my crew looks around.

Not at all.
Bring them in.

This is Borkel.

Welcome, Borkel.

This is Crane.

Welcome, Crane.

And this is Quartz.

Hey, Quartz.
How are you doin'?

Quartz is very popular
on our planet.

[Woman]
Why?

Gentlemen, we are
the only studio in town...

without a single black filmmaker.

This is a key market
that we simply have to tap...

so today I have lined up meetings...

with some of the hottest young
black filmmakers in Hollywood.

This must be the place!

Now, wake up the dotted line
'cause the Funkateers are here to sign.

On the good foot, you know?

Gentlemen, you're early.

And you look sweet enough
to eat, honey.

Oh, I get a cavity
just lookin' at you, sweet thing!

Look here, home skillet,
save some for dessert, ya know?

- Now, you must be...
- Funky Finger Producciones.

- I'm Clavell.
- I'm sorry. I don't see your name here.

- And I'm Howard Tibbs III.
- Let me give you one of my business cards.

You know, I'm fresh out. Howard?

Bam!

All right, the number's here,
but you're gonna have to read real quick...

'cause it's growing back fast.

- I'm gettin' ready to buy
one of them blow out kits.
- Basketball Afro for days!

Well, it is certainly a pleasure
to meet you both.

Let me start by introducing you to our
vice president of publicity, Lee Dagget.

- Say what?
- Bam! You're just the man I wanted to see.

- You all right, homeboy?
- All right.

- Look here.
- Don't push him out the car.

Interesting title.
Oh Knats.

No, no, no. You got that backwards.
Let me see this here.

That's Stank Ho.

See, it's a love story.

It picks up where
Pretty Woman left off...

only this time, she does all her
shopping at Fatburger, ya know?

Did I mention I had
a doctor's appointment?

Block 'em at the door, homey!
[Laughs]

Gentlemen, it has just been
a real pleasure meeting you.

We ain't done yet, big legs!

You know, it's a two-picture deal.

Howard, show 'em the trailer.

I really don't think
we have time for this.

Whoo!

Bam!

Now, you see, this is
a little ditty we like to call...

Dirty Dancing With Wolves.

Ain't no function at this junction.

- I had the time of my life.
- I'm just kiddin', y'all.

But I never met this wolf before.

- Let's take it downtown, home skillet.
- Break it down.

Look here, homey,
I hate to interrupt this thing...

but the costume got to be
back in just about .

- And the bus...
- And here comes my bus.

- There go the bus.
- You got change for a dollar?

I got it. Leroy,
bring my camera by later, could you?

Now how does that grab you,
matzo grip?

- Ahh!
- Well, you know, I think
I've seen just about enough.

Your : is here, Lisa.

Do you two know you left
your sandwich cart outside?

Well, ain't that
a chocolate chip cookie?

You know, I knew we forgot something!

Hey, look, y'all! Who's hungry?

- Please show these gentlemen out.
- Did I mention we also produced...

My Afro's Too High
to Box with God?

Right, and
Teenage Mutant n*gro Turtles.

Say, say, say, brother!

- Isn't that Wes Unseld?
- Love your work, man!

- Hi, I'm Rosie Perez.
- And I'm Arthur Rainer.

Tonight, we have something
very special for y'all.

We'd like to introduce one of the first
and original Fly Girls, Deidre Lang.

We are very proud of Deidre.
She's come a very long way...

and she's very
special to us.

- Very special.
- So, tonight, ladies and gentlemen...

Miss Deidre Lang.

♪♪ [Dance]

[Woman] If you're an animal rights
activist offended by...

our treatment
of animals, press - .

If you're LaToya Jackson,
press - - .

If you'reJoeJackson,
punch - .

If you're Byron Allen,
press - .

If you're...

Doctor, do you have
anything else, uh, to add?

The information I've provided for you
is just the tip of the iceberg.

I mean, there's so much
more evidence that clearly shows...

that boxing not only
causes great physical damage...

but neurological
damage as well.

So you think boxing
should be outlawed?

- Yes, I do.
- Well, thank you very much, Doctor.

All right, send in
the next expert witness, please.

Hey, what's up?

Yeah, it's good to be back
in Caesar's Palace.

I feel that the fight
will go at least seven rounds...

but, you know, he had me running,
back on my heels.

Sir, can you state
your name, please?

Oh, oh, s-s-straight up.
Straight up.

Uh, Carl "the Tooth" Williams.

'Cause the Tooth
will set you free.

That's what I'm sayin'.

Mr. Williams, you fought
some of the world's greatest fighters.

- That's right.
- Uh, George Foreman, Muhammad Ali...

and so on.

What would you say
they all have in common?

Uh, they all kicked my ass.

Basically, that's...
that's what happened.

You know, they...
they all had kicked my ass.

But, you know, that ain't the thing though.
I want me some...

I want me some Tyson.
That's what I want, understand?

But he trying to hide
from me, you know...

but I'm gonna find him,
'cause I want some Tyson.

- Uh, Mr. Williams, regarding your health...
- Yes.

Uh, do you feel
that boxing, uh...

has in any way
affected your sex life?

Well, she ain't with me
no more, but...

I don't think that really has anything
to do with, you know, my boxing.

You know, I don't know who told you
about all that, but, you know...

it ain't like
I can't still, you know...

swing it when I get inside
the bed, you know.

Mr. Williams, wouldn't
you agree that...

boxers who have taken
as many blows to their head as...

as you have, shall we say,
lost something upstairs.

Uh, basically.

Basically they have,
and, uh...

But, you know,
it's nothing to do with boxing.

See, what it is, it's a ploy and a plan
for this senate and everybody here...

to try and keep me away from Tyson,
and I got to have some Tyson.

I mean, according to our file,
you've sustained multiple injuries...

to your... your jaw,
your head.

Yeah, yeah. You look like that
fellow on Star Trek.

Don't he? Straight up, cuz.
You look just like him.

But anyway, I take... I'll take
"exemptions" to that because, you know...

even in the ring, you know,
I keep my tooth polished...

you know
what I'm saying?

And I'm selling these for .
at the crib and stuff.

If y'all want to come by
and get you some, you can.

- [Man] Uh, Mr. Williams?
- Yeah?

Over your career, how many blows
to the head would you say you have taken?

I took all of'em
to the head.

But that's the best way
to take it. Take it to the head.

You know what I'm saying? Come on
down here, and let me show you.

Uh, just let him do it, Senator.
Go ahead.

Now... Now, what you want to do...
Come at me, now.

Come out with your best sh*t.
Come on. With your best sh*t. Come on!

Uh, he caught me with one.
It was a rabbit punch.

I think... Don't stop
the fight, though.

Don't stop the fight.
Don't stop it, man! I can go on!

Don't stop it, man!
Don't throw the towel in, man!

Y'all want a Coke or Sprite
or something?

'Cause it's a two-drink minimum
if you're sitting in these chairs.

- Mr. Williams.
- I gotta see some I.D. From y'all.

I don't think you're helping your cause
by demonstrating this kind of...

Oh, you're trying to... You're trying
to dog me. You're trying to dog me.

- Mr. Williams...
- Well, come on, Marcia Brady.

Come on.

Well, basically, the reason
that I didn't hit her...

is 'cause I respect women
and, you know...

the whole boxing got my head dizzy,
and she caught me off guard.

Mr. Williams, you claim that
boxing's been very good to you.

Yeah, in a sense.
In a sense.

But I hardly think
that your report...

let alone your record,
supports your claim.

Oh, yeah, I do have
a record out.

It's called, uh,
Carl "The Tooth"in the House.

And it's like...

♪ Got to cake your icing
Gonna get me some Tyson ♪

Your testimony's been very helpful
and very enlightening.

Thank you for your time,
and you'll get our decision later.

No, there ain't gonna be no decision.
No, I got to have mine.

That's how they took my last fight
from me. It ain't gonna be no decision.

What are you talking about?
You sitting there all bourgeois...

Uh, Charlie, please.

Sitting over there,
all bourgeois... Hey, man!

Get up off me, man!
Get up off... My head is dizzy.

[Woman]
If you're a pimp offended by...

our depiction of panderers,
press - - - .

If you think Delta Burke is exactly
the right weight, press - - - .

If you're a physically-challenged
Eskimo, press - - - .

If you're a m*llitary personnel who enjoys
Gomer Pyle in more ways than one...

press - - - .

[Announcer] Now, the bad boys
of comedy present television's...

hardest-working
staff and crew.

The people who make In Living Color
happen each week...

want to thank you and wish you
a happy, safe summer vacation.

[No Audible Dialogue
Or Sound Effects]