01x05 - Emotional Erection

[bunniefuu]

♪ ("THAT RING DOWN"
BY GHOSTPOET PLAYING) ♪

♪ I was walking down the street ♪
♪ Nonchalant, soft feet ♪

♪ Glanced across the way ♪
♪ My heart stopped straight ♪

♪ Is that my ex I see before me ♪
♪ New lover hand-in-hand? ♪

♪ I was thinking drat, damn ♪

(VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING)

♪ I was getting over this ♪
♪ I was behind the parapet... ♪

(WHIRRING STOPS)

Lisa?

Dad.

BERNARD: That's my Lisa.

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

Donna. Donna!

Your mom only just got in the bath.

- (EXHALES)
- Oh.

In the house, shoes off.
You know what she's like.

Oh, yeah.

You look good, Dad.

Course I do. I'm bloody gorgeous!

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

You look older.

Yeah, years will do that to you.

Time is a cruel mistress!

Uh, Donna!

Here, come in, come in, come in.

Donna!

Donna!

♪ (PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

- BERNARD: Lisa's downstairs.
- DONNA: What?

- She's downstairs.
- BERNARD: She just knocked the door.

DONNA: Oh, God.

BERNARD: I'm gonna phone John.

♪ (PENSIVE MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

(FLORIAN SELBY GROANS SOFTLY)

(CELLPHONE CHIMES)

BERNARD: Sorry to keep you, Lisa.

Might be a while.

She just dropped a bath b*mb.

She's still doing bath bombs?

(THUD AGAINST DOOR)

Uh, that'll be John.

Oh, the whole g*ng is here.

JOHN: Let me see her!

Calm down, don't come in here all hot.

All right, bruv?

(CHUCKLES) Wh... I mean...

Dad, that ain't even Lisa.

- (COSTELLO JONES SCOFFS)
- (CHUCKLES)

(URINE TRICKLING)

THE DUKE: Gloria!

Gloria.

We've got bodies piling up out here.

- (KNOCKS ON DOOR)
- Give me a minute. Jesus!

Can't a girl piss in peace?

(SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE)

GLORIA DUKE: Hey, you.

I need a favor.

'Kay.

Let's swap.

All right.

GLORIA: All right.

What does it say?

- What, like...
- GLORIA: Okay.

How many lines does it have? One or two?

- Oh, uh...
- No, wait!

Wait, wait. Don't
tell me, don't tell me.

Okay.

I need to know. Go on, tell
me. How many lines does it have?

Wait! No, don't...

No. No, I need to know. Okay.

- How many lines is it?
- Two.

(SCREAMS)

JOHN: So, there's this podcast.

Thirteen-year-old boy, French.

Disappears into thin air.

Family write him off. Dead.

- Then like years later...
- (KNOCKING ON TABLE)

... knock on the door.

He's home, moves in,
happy families, but...

here's the twist.

He's an imposter.

Like you.

(SNICKERS)

Why would I want this life?

You tell me. I don't...
I don't make the podcasts.

- I just listen to 'em.
- No, John, it's her.

JOHN: Okay, okay.

Something that only
real Lisa would know.

When she got upset, she
used to piss on the floor.

- Mm-hmm.
- JOHN: Exact spot, please,

or I'm chucking you out
this house right now.

(SNICKERS)

- You married, Lisa, hey? Kids?
- Oh no, not for me.

Oh, never maternal was she, Dad?

How many women have got

child support claims against you, John?

- JOHN: Uh, no. No... None.
- A few...

I'm a... I'm a simple
creature, I like...

- Okay.
- ... cream pies,

Millwall Football Club,
and true crime podcasts.

In that order.

Oh, so a real Renaissance man.

I don't speak French.

(SNICKERS)

Yeah.

Yeah. Okay, yeah, so you are Lisa.

With your... your big words
and your... your French.

- (COSTELLO SNICKERS)
- Dad, ca... ca... can I hit her?

- Can I hit her?
- No, John, you can't.

JOHN: (SHOUTING) Where
you been the last years?

I will never forgive you
for what you did to my mom.

Yeah, that was out of order...

- in a way.
- Uh.

Out... out of order?

- Nearly k*lled her.
- DONNA: But she didn't k*ll me, did she?

And I don't hold a grudge.

Not to one of my own.

There she is, star of
the show. Hello, Mom.

No, no.

(JOHN CLEARS THROAT)

DONNA: Come here.

Welcome back to the family, Lisa.

You sticking around then?

Yeah, come on, you owe
her that, been years.

Not like you got anyone
else to rush home to.

Yeah, I'm staying. Yeah.

(UTENSILS CLATTERING)

DONNA: My girl's home.

Now, that was a rare
treat. I'm usually a bottom,

but for the first time this millennia,

I'm finally on top.

Save it for your memoir.

When I started out in
showbiz, I was sh*t hot.

Cast as the heartthrob, you see.

- (SIGHS)
- OLD ACTOR: And in the blink of an eye,

I was playing... fathers

and invalids and aging wastrels.

And look at me now, adrift
in the gay wasteland.

(PANTS ZIPPING UP)

It can happen to the best of us.

You're in the gay wasteland,
I'm not in the gay wasteland.

OLD ACTOR: (CHUCKLES)
I know how tough it is,

going from giver to taker.

Sliding all the way down to the bottom.

Hmm? Yeah, we live our youth in lust.

By the time we learn love
is what truly matters,

we've pushed away and hurt
anybody worth giving it to.

(SELBY CRIES)

Oh. Go on. Let it out.

You may have been
impotent for some time,

but it's the emotional
erections that count.

SELBY: You can leave now. (SNIFFLES)

Well, one... piece of advice.

Always aim to harden one's cock...

but not one's heart.

(KISSES)

Good luck out there, hey?

- (BERNARD GROANING)
- (DONNA TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

- (HEAVY STOMPS RECEDING)
- (DONNA GRUMBLING INDISTINCTLY)

DONNA: Come on, move. (GROANING)

- (CONTINUES GRUMBLING)
- (CHUCKLES)

BERNARD: Where's John?

DONNA: He's at the
club with his friends.

(BERNARD HICCUPPING, GROANING)

Oh! Yes.

Rude of you not to have
a drink with us tonight.

(SCOFFS) And you always did think

you were better than us, didn't you?

Going to university,
working at Waitrose.

Is Dad all right? He had a lot.

(SIGHS) What's that?

My diary, from when I was about... .

Memories.

What are they good for, eh?

COSTELLO: Hmm.

Lisa the Liar they called me.

Yeah, well,

had a wild imagination, didn't you?

- You reckon?
- Oh, don't start.

You've been spoiling for
a fight since you got here.

Why would a child lie
about their own mom?

DONNA: Lisa, move on.

Three a.m. ain't the time
to go digging up sh*t.

No, it's the perfect time.

Why would I say disgusting things

- about my own mother?
- Kids are weird f*ckers.

Did you do the same to
John or was it just to me?

John ain't sensitive like you.

You needed toughening up.

So you admit it?

- You're admitting it.
- Look, Lisa.

All I did was try and make you strong.

- (SCOFFS)
- DONNA: And look at you.

You'd do the same.

No. I wouldn't.

'Cause I'm not a f*cking nonce, Mom.

Oh, well, we all have our
own version of the truth.

Yeah, I... You're a f*cking nonce.

That's the truth.

Let's meet up again, sometime yeah?

Kew Gardens?

Yeah.

DONNA: Carvery.

Lovely.

Let yourself out.

(DOOR OPENING)

(COSTELLO EXHALES HEAVILY)

- BERNARD: She's going?
- DONNA: Yeah, she's leaving.

- BERNARD: Yeah, but why?
- DONNA: You know what she's like.

(BERNARD AND DONNA
CONVERSING INDISTINCTLY)

(URINE TRICKLING)

♪ ("COOL IN THE POOL" BY
HOLGER CZUKAY PLAYING) ♪

♪ Let's get hot ♪

♪ On the dancing spot ♪

♪ Hot ♪

♪ Oh, is it hot? ♪

♪ Wow, man ♪

♪ Then let's get cool ♪
♪ In the pool ♪

♪ Oh, let's get cool ♪

- ♪ (SONG FADES) ♪
- ALLEGRA: Costello called me.

And if she's concerned
about your behavior,

things must be bad.

She says you're living
out here like Charlie Sheen

and... not in a good way.

SELBY: Coming from her.

She spent the last year here
acting like a... lottery winner.

Well...

she's worried about you.

Oh.

ALLEGRA: So I brought your
father to cheer you up.

You don't want to end up
like him, do you, darling?

(SELBY LAUGHS)

Yet another person

who went to great extremes
to get away from me.

Oh, don't take it so personally.

Attempting su1c1de was his hobby.

I mean, how many people
die doing what they love?

♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Well, I suppose you've...
wanted him out of the house

for a long time.

(CHUCKLES) He's your problem now.

Well, now look what you've done.
The poor man's drowned twice.

- (CHUCKLES)
- And he's clogged up the filter.

Causes nothing but problems that man.

Alive or dead.

Well, can't that be said for us all.

♪ (MUSIC SWELLS) ♪

♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪

♪ (SOUL SONG PLAYING ON TABLET) ♪

- ♪ We're gonna be all right... ♪
- (IRIS VOCALIZING)

(GLORIA CHUCKLES)

COSTELLO: So I made her admit it.

f*cking sicko.

What you went on last night, Costello,

was a nonce hunt.

- Proud of you, babe.
- I can do anything now.

- GLORIA: Mm-hmm.
- Nothing scares me.

And I'm leaving Selby.

And this time, for real. For real, real.

I swear you've been saying
that since the day you met him.

No, I'm going. I've got
us a place at a refuge.

- You...
- COSTELLO: A nice one. In North London.

- Oh, my Go... (LAUGHS)
- Thank you.

I mean, she can't grow up in all this...

Even he knows that.

Well, you're not the only
one with big news today.

(IMITATES TRUMPET FANFARE)

Right.

So, what service do you require of me?

"Congratulations," or "Don't
worry, we'll get rid of it?"

You know, there was a moment
when I was taking the test,

where I was both
pregnant and not pregnant.

And I'd never felt happier.

I cannot believe

that Paul still banged you

after what you and Selby did to him.

Well, I'm fit, ain't I?

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- (DOOR OPENING)

ALLEGRA: I've told Costello
to come and collect her things.

No. No, they're not leaving.

You take everyone away from me!

I've found somewhere for you to stay.

- It'll be awful, but life is.
- Don't you dare. Don't you...

You know I should've
done this years ago.

SELBY: Go on, f*cking do it.

f*cking bring on the white coats!

Yes, hello, I... I spoke to you

- about a possible referral...
- You f*cking c**t!

- Yes, sorry... Shush!
- c**t!

- Can you... (ALLEGRA GROANS)
- I'm not him!

ALLEGRA: Oh, can you hear me?

(DOOR CLOSING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(DOOR OPENING)

Keys.

(KEYS CLINKING AGAINST GROUND)

Still a little bit cunty,
aren't you, Costello?

Thank you for coming.

He needs you.

Is he okay?

Um...

Iris wanted him to have this.

He's fine.

Now, go in the house and
get your things and get out.

Leave my son alone.

He's been dying to get away from you

since the moment he met you.

Here is your chance to love him.

Don't blow it.

(SIGHS)

Selby...

you have to let us go.

This isn't normal.

It's completely normal to
hate the people you love.

COSTELLO: No, it isn't, Selby.

And I don't want Iris
thinking that it is.

- Oh!
- COSTELLO: Not the laptop, come on.

(PANTING) Wait... wait.

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

You're not leaving me.

- Please don't leave me.
- Oh, God.

Please don't. Please don't leave me.

- Please.
- (SNIFFLES)

Wouldn't it be best for all of us...

if we came to some unremarkable end?

Costello.

There's never been anything
unremarkable about our love.

- (LOUD THUD)
- No. No!

(SOBS, MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY)

I went to see Mom.

♪ (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(SNIFFLES) All my life...

I've been called a liar.

And I wasn't lying. (SNIFFLES)

I know.

I've always believed you.

- I'm not like her, am I?
- You're nothing like her.

(BOTH SNIFFLE)

(SELBY BREATHES HEAVILY)

(CRYING) I don't know how
I'll live without you both.

(WHIMPERS)

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

ALLEGRA: Darling, darling. They're here.

Can I say goodbye to my daughter?

ALLEGRA: Florian.

You know she can't see
you like this, don't you?

(SELBY SIGHS)

(EXHALES DEEPLY, SOBS)

Hey.

Hey.

Did you know, I lived in a refuge

when you were in my belly.

This one's gonna make our lives better.

Bubba?

I promise. Hmm?

(VEHICLE APPROACHING)

♪ (GOSPEL SONG PLAYING
OVER CAR RADIO) ♪

Costello, I'm Serena, we spoke earlier.

And you must be Iris?

Come on. Let's get you home.

(GRUNTS) Okay.

Are you sure you haven't been followed?

- Yeah, I'm sure.
- SERENA: Good.

Because our only rule is,

we lay low and let the Lord guide us.

♪ I'm falling ♪

♪ Never been so low ♪
♪ And I just let go ♪

♪ I'm falling, catch me, Jesus ♪

♪ Catch me ♪

♪ Catch me... ♪

Ah, it seems really nice,
don't you reckon, Iris?

Yeah, I bet the neighbors
have William Morris wallpaper.

Yeah, and I bet they've
got a room just for shoes.

SERENA: Welcome.

No visitors, no contact
with your abuser,

no contact with men whatsoever.
No alcohol, no illegal dr*gs.

- No work. Sign here.
- Sorry. No work?

All residents must qualify
for full housing benefit.

No work or you have to leave.

The council pays your
rent directly to us

and you can claim jobseeker's allowance.

The only work that we do here is God's.

JADE: May the Heavenly Father

stop this noise, so we can heal, Serena.

The Good Lord gives his toughest battles

to His strongest soldiers.
Jade, meet Costello and Iris.

And the Holy Father

has chosen you to deliver
them to their room.

Panic buttons are located by all exits

and must only be used in
the event of an emergency.

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- (MACHINERY WHIRRING)

COSTELLO: What's with the noise?

(GROANS) Neighbors are
excavating the basement

to install a home cinema.

An eight-bedroom
four-million-pound townhouse

just isn't enough for some folk.

(DOOR THUDS)

JADE: Um, word of advice.

Jesus is always watching
like a little peeper.

(WHISPERING) So, don't
do anything I wouldn't do.

(BABY CRYING IN DISTANCE)

A bunk bed.

Great.

(COSTELLO GROANS)

(SIGHS) Oh, God!

As if we haven't suffered
enough already, now this.

(GROANS)

Get outta here.

Well, what do you think of it here?

Well, it sure isn't Disneyland, is it?

COSTELLO: No, maybe the one in Paris.

(SIGHS)

ALLEGRA : This is going to
come out of your allowance,

which doesn't go far, so... (CHUCKLES)

It's not the smartest of places.

At least they'll take care of me.

How long do you plan on keeping me here?

ALLEGRA: Until they
declare you "un-insane."

Oh, goodie.

Well, this is sweet. You must know that

little Iris thinks the world of you.

You've done a good job with her.

Let's meet up when you've recovered.

Chin up.

(CLEARS THROAT) Bye, darling.

- (ELECTRONIC LOCK BEEPING)
- (DOOR UNLOCKING)

(DOOR CLOSING)

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER IN DISTANCE)

(WOMAN LAUGHING)

♪ (MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKER) ♪

- JADE: She went back to her husband.
- SPEAKER: Really?

You know, he only kept
her locked in the basement

for like three months, don't you?

- No, no.
- JADE: Okay, ladies.

I am opening up the book...

- Sorry, Jade...
- ... I am taking bets.

- LAILA: Yeah!
- Okay.

Two to one, he keeps her hostage again.

Three to one, he kills her.
Four to one, she kills him.

Seven to one, she ends up
back here within the week.

- SAM: Yep, you're on.
- Yeah, go on then. (CHUCKLES)

- (ALL LAUGH)
- Would you mind, uh, keeping it down?

Daughter's had a really
rough day. Thanks.

One thing that is for certain,

I'm having her old bedroom,
and if anyone stands in my way,

I will roll them down.

Not fair.

(DOOR CREAKS)

♪ (MELANCHOLIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE)

(PHONE LINE RINGING)

COSTELLO: Um, hi.

Can I check on a patient that
was admitted this afternoon?

Uh, Florian Selby.

Yeah, yeah, I'm family, yeah.

I just wanted check he was all right.

My name? Uh, Costello Jones.

What do you mean I'm not on the list?

I'm family.

Um...

I need to get a message to him.

Family only.

Okay.

Okay.

I get it.

♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪