05x04 - October 7, 1993

[bunniefuu]

Hi, I'm Loomis Simmons.

Ladies, do you long for
the pitter-patter...

of tiny little feets
in your house?

Are you worried that the cuckoo bird
in your biographical clock...

has stopped laying eggs?

I hope so. But you don't have to
worry when you let me...

knock you up!

The plan is simple to follow.

Call me, Loomis...

and I will send you one of
my motivational tapes...

recorded on these high quality
eight-track cartridges.

It'll get you in the mood for one of
our romantical encounters.

- Let's listen.
- ♪♪ [Romantic]

My chéri "amoivra."
This is your last chance!

Ain't no man
in his right mind want you!

Your ovaries ain't no good.
They look like raisins.

Loomis is the man.
Loomis is the man.

Loomis is the mannn!

Mmm!

Don't that just
make your nature rise?

Next, I, Loomis Simmons,
will come up in through your crib...

and introduce ya
to my partner.

You know what I'm
talkin' about?

Maybe two or three times
if necessary.

Now, you may think,
"But, Loomis...

I'm too butt ugly for even you
to want to knock me up."

And you're probably right.
But when I gently apply...

my special beauty enhancer
over your mug...

even I can get the job done.

And don't forget Loomis's
no-return guarantee.

As soon as you drop that calf,
I ain't comin' back.

Let's listen to one of
my satisfied customers.

My wife and I
wanted to start a family...

but our schedules always seemed
to conflict, so we called Loomis.

Now we're
one big happy family.

Thank you, Loomiseses.

So do what thousands of other
hard up heifers have done.

Call - -K-N-O-C-K-UP today...

and before you know it,
you'll be carryin' your own bundle of joy...

or as I, Loomis, like to call it,
"a fruit of Loomis"...

when you let me knock you up!

- [Laughing]
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

- ♪ Take it from me, it's a'ight to be ♪
- Hi-yah!

♪ In living color♪

♪ And how would ya...
How would ya... How would ya f... ♪

♪ How would you feel knowing
prejudice was obsolete ♪

♪ And all mankind danced
to the exact b*at ♪

[Echoing] ♪ And at night it was safe
to walk down the street ♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- [Turntable Scratching]
- ♪ In living color♪♪

[Laughing]

[Announcer] And now a word
from the Corlick sisters.

Actually, this commercial is
meant to serve as an apology.

Right. Believe it or not,
they've had some complaints...

from some of the black customers
here at Lenny's.

- That's "Deny's."
- Oh.

And you black people,
I realize that whole sl*very thing...

might have been
a little unpleasant.

- Oh, it's a darn shame.
- But we're not here to change the world.

- My, my, no.
- We're just here to serve...

the kind of food weirdos
and insomniacs love to eat.

And any other religion.
Makes no difference to us.

- Oh, you are a moron!
- We're through talking about religion.

Let's talk about all
the new black people we bought.

- You mean "hired"! People used to complain...
- Yeah.

There was only one black guy working here,
and he was mopping the floors.

Now we have four guys mopping the floor,
and we've changed our venue.

- That's "change of menu."
- Right.

We serve the same food
full of flavor and Geritol.

- That's "cholesterol"!
- That's right.

And we've given our new name
to appeal to Africans and Farrakhan.

- Oh, that's "African-American"!
- Okay, smarty-pants.

- Let's talk about the bibs.
- That's "ribs."

Just look at our new
"Baby's Got Back" Ribs.

Oh, God, this sucks!

That's not all that sucks.

There's also our special
Drive-By Breakfast.

I just love those dead pigs
in a blanket.

And be sure to try our all new
Grand Slambo Dinners.

And we've added extra watermelon
to our stolen car.

- That's the "salad bar"!
- Eat up, house fly.

That's "homeboy"!

[Announcer] Deny's... Where black money
is as welcome as anybody's.

♪♪ [Man Singing]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Ends]

[Announcer] Now, from the director
of Boys in the Hood...

comes a film
starring JanetJackson...

as a singer who shouldn't
try to do movies...

and Tupac as a rapper
whose mother named him...

him after a cheap way
to buy toilet paper.

They were both looking
for a little UnpoeticJustice.

Yeah, Chicago, he fine.

There he is.
Isn't he cute?

Girl, you need to roll up
to Oaktown with us.

Girl, you trippin'. JanetJackson
don't ride in no mail truck.

- [Scoffs]
- How long you been doin' hair anyway?

[Thinking] I don't do hair. I make up
poems and say them to myself.

Today, this movie opens.
Tomorrow, the video shelf.

Girl, what's wrong with you?

Hey, baby.
Damn, them jeans is tight!

[Thinking]
Tight. My jeans are too tight.

It takes four people
to pull them off me at night.

Let's cut the bull.

I know what you really want.

What I really wanna know is,
what you doin' in this movie...

when you've never been to the hood
a day in your life, understand me?

[Thinking]
I do not like being in the hood.

I do not like it,
though I should.

I do not like
green eggs and ham.

I do not like them,
Sam I am.

Tell me, baby,
how you get a name likeJustice?

- It's a long story.
- Hey y'all, I just remembered.

- This is a John Singleton movie!
- Oh, yeah.

- Bleep you!
- Well, bleep you!

- Well, beep you!
- Well, beep, bleep, bleep, bleep!

- Well, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep you!
- Well, beep, bleep, then...

bleepy bleep, bleep!

Now that the cursing's over,
it's time to hear some more voices.

[Man's Voice Speaking Spanish
In Janet's Head]

[Translating]
Where is the library?

Why couldn't I get
Whitney's role in The Bodyguard?

Oh! Oh,
you too good for us now!

[Man's Voice]
Attention Kmart shoppers.

We have a blue-light special
on Aisle .

Now available, video copies
ofJohn Singleton's PoeticJustice.

Just . . Wait a second.
Make that . .

[Announcer]
UnpoeticJustice.

It's notjust a movie,
it's a... a-a-a...

We don't know
what the hell it is.

Some of you are stunned by Thomas Hearns's
choice of a challenger for his comeback.

His opponent, a virtual unknown
by the name of Carl "the Tooth" Williams...

unranked by the W.B.A.,
the W.B.C., the I.B.F. And the W.B.F.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Carl "the Tooth" Williams.

[Reporters Shouting Questions]

Tooth, where were you born,
Tooth?

Basically,
I was born though in C.P.T.

Uh, Mr. Williams, what would you say
to those who contend...

that you're completely
out of your league...

and no match for Mr. "Hitman,"
Thomas Hearns or somethin'?

Well, I think they should read
the paraphernalia.

- Well, what about your record?
- My record speaks for itself.

Uh, Tooth, your record is
and .

Yeah, but I'm closing in fast
on that number.

But, uh, like I said,
my record speaks for itself...

but it don't necessarily
speak for myself.

Whatever I had said.

And, anyway,
I got new techniques right now.

- Ah, training techniques?
- No, actually, I got new brushin' techniques.

See, I feel that a clean toofus
is a happy toofus.

Tooth, I've got
a question for you.

What would you say
that Muhammad Ali...

Joe Frazier and George Foreman
all have in common?

Uh, basically, uh,
they all kicked my ass.

Ladies and gentlemen, Tommy Hearns
is entering the building now!

- Where he at? Where he at?
- ♪♪ [Hip-Hop]

Uh, Mr. Hearns...

- [Female Reporter] Tooth, what are you doing?
- I'm staring him down.

I'm getting into his head.

- But that's his manager.
- Oh, say, yeah, I knew that. I knew that.

Uh, Mr. Hearns... Mr. Hearns,
can I ask you a question?

There are some people out there who think
that Carl "the Tooth" Williams...

poses no danger
to your title.

Well, that's not true. Every bone
in his body has been broken...

so that makes him flexible.

Tooth, you've gotta feel like you're
pretty much completely out of your league.

Well, you know, basically,
that's what they had said...

when I fought Sugar Ray Leonard
and Chavez.

Right. And Sugar Ray Leonard
broke your spine and your jaw...

and knocked you out
in seconds.

Well, he did, but a lot of people
didn't report...

that I was back on solid foods
within weeks.

Tooth, whom do you credit
your success to?

I credit all my success
to the man upstairs.

- God?
- No, Mr. Johnson in -B.

He used to run me
down to the gym every day.

And I also give it up to my mama.
Come on out, Mom!

- M-M-Mrs. Williams!
- [Reporters Shouting]

Just call me "Gums."

Oh. Oh, listen, son,
you forgot your tooth protector.

- There you go, baby.
- Thank you. Ah. Ah.

- There you go.
- [Male Reporter] Uh, Mrs., uh...

Mrs. Gums, what was it like bringing up,
uh, your... your son?

I remember the very first day
of second grade.

He come home,
his eye all swoll up shut.

And he just kept sayin',
"Cut me, Mommy. Cut me, Mommy."

He was so cute. You know, we didn't have
much money back in them days...

but luckily, it seemed like the Tooth
Fairy would be there every other day.

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, and basically, as Mom had reiterated...

- I was tryin' to...
- Don't interrupt your mama!

[Groaning]

That was a cheap sh*t,
'cause it was after the bell had rang.

I feel I will regain my title.

But after that falling down,
I feel like I'm kinda warmed up now.

Look out!
[Laughs]

You warmed up, huh? Come on.
I got something for you.

You fall to all the contenders
from Tyson to Ali...

but, boy, you must be crazy
to step into the ring with me.

- [Groans]
- Whoa!

- I got your back, son. Don't worry. Don't...
- Hey, hey!

Hold on. It wasn't like that.
You gotta understand.

Listen to me. Listen to me.
Let me talk to you. I wanna talk to you.

Oh, I don't believe it!

The Tooth's mom has just knocked out
Tommy "Hitman" Hearns!

[Reporters Shouting]

Yes, sir,
I understand completely.

I assure you, sir.
We are gonna find a new hit show.

We'll have this network
back on top in-in no time, all right?

I promise.
I guarantee it.

All right. Yes, sir.
I understand. Good-bye, sir.

- [Sighs] Where am I gonna find a hit show?
- [Whirring]

♪♪ [Both Singing, Indistinct]

Pardon me, home skillet.

Did I hear tell someone
mention a hit show?

- Dig that, 'cause we down with that, man.
- Who the hell are you guys?

- I'm glad you asked. My name's Clavell.
- And I am Howard Tibbs III.

[Together]
And we are Funky Finger Productions.

I believe me and you met
at the RickyJames trial.

Dig it.
And the courtroom was smokin'.

Look here.
Before we go any further...

anybody ever tell you
you look like a swollen Tom Cruise?

Don't he? All up here.
Let me give you one of my cards.

You know,
I'm fresh out. Howard.

- Bam!
- Look out.

Now, the number on the back
is ours. Dig that.

Now, this coupon will save you
cents on Miss B.J.'s collard greens.

- Joanna, get me security, fast.
- Hey, well, hold upJo-jo.

You and your big legs.
[Laughs]

- Not so fast, Home Shopping Network.
- Stop that.

We've been watching this late night thing,
and we got our own little ditty.

- I'm gonna have to ask you fellas to leave.
- And I'm gonna have to ask you...

to sit down, haystacks.

Look, I got an idea that is so phat,
Richard Simmons wants to outlaw it.

Finger-lickin' good. You can gain
three pounds just lookin' at it.

You guys have no references. You have no
experience. Why would I ever give you a show?

You know, I thought you
might have some doubts, Home Box Office.

Can I call you HBO?
[Laughs]

So, uh, look here.

We brought what we like
to call the Top Three List.

Howard,
where did I put that?

You got it, Howard?

Whoo.
B-B-B-Bam! Bam!

[Mutters]

Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

Now, straight from
the home office of Compton, C-A...

tonight's Top Three List.

Top three reasons why
you should give us our own late show.

Here we go.
♪♪ [Imitating Drum Fanfare]

♪♪ [Beatboxing]

Now, look, if little Tootie
is livin' single...

- then why can't me and Clavell be livin' large?
- ♪♪ [Imitating Rim sh*t]

- Number two.
- Number two?

♪♪ [Beatboxing]

Arsenio may have a long finger, but he
ain't got no funky finger. Say what?

- You hear that?
- I heard that.

- And number three.
- ♪♪ [Beatboxing]

Your wife won't think
it's too nice...

when she finds out
that you know Heidi Fleiss.

- Hey, now!
- You guys are insane!

Well, hold on there now,
Home Improvement.

You know, we happen to have
a little taste...

of what we like to call
the season premiere.

- Howard?
- Watch it! Bam!

Now, it's a cross between
The Tonight Show...

The Tomorrow Show
and The Today Show.

We like to call it
Yesterday and Then Some Mo'.

All right.
Is this bad mammer-jammer on?

Okay, we're back.
[Laughs]

Now, we got a great show
for you tonight.

Antonio Fargas
all up in through here. [Laughs]

- Huggy Bear is in the house.
- Huggy Bear's in the house.

You here me? Also, Rodney Allen Rippy
and the music of Rockwell.

Brother, did you see him
last night, T.?

- Man was out there on that tip.
- Say what? [Laughs]

- Yes indeed. Uh-oh! Uh-oh!
- [Alarm Blaring]

Howard's wearing the booty cam!
Go, Howard! Go, Howard!

With the booty cam.
With the booty cam. Break it down.

♪♪ [Beatboxing]

On the booty cam.
On the booty cam. And I'm waving.

I'm waving... on the booty cam.
Hey, now!

We got another tape
of stupid pet tricks.

Got Clavell's ferret on there.
Wears a snap cap too.

- He's all that.
- Hey, now!

It's about time.!
Get these guys outta here.!

So I guess you gonna call
the number that's on the card?

Hey, look here. Call my agent, Sidney.
It's S-l-D-Nay.

Our job was security guard
for Popeye's...

Live, love and laugh.
See ya next week. Peace out.

♪♪ [Theme]