05x06 - October 21, 1993

[bunniefuu]

- [Laughing]
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

- ♪ Take it from me, it's a'ight to be ♪
- Hi-yah!

♪ In living color♪

♪ And how would ya...
How would ya... How would ya f... ♪

♪ How would you feel knowing
prejudice was obsolete ♪

♪ And all mankind danced
to the exact b*at ♪

[Echoing] ♪ And at night it was safe
to walk down the street ♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- [Turntable Scratching]
- ♪ In living color♪♪

[Laughing]

Hi! I'm Rush Limbaugh.

And I'm Al Sharpton.

And we've put aside our differences
to bring you...

Rush 'N' Al's
Big & Loud Men's Shop!

Now, you may be asking yourself...

what could I have in common
with h*tler's chunky nephew?

Yes, and what could I possibly have in common
with this pork chop with a pompadour?

Well, we both have
an insatiable appetite for power.

And for pizza! Along with a taste
for clothes with elastic waistbands!

That's right.

I see it's not just your politics
that lean to the right.

Yes, it's true... we get
a little loud and overbearing.

But you won't mind
when we put you in a suit...

for the price of a good perm, a curl
and a case of Dark and Lovely!

- Isn't that right, Pillsbury Dough Boy?
- Right you are, Rerun!

Hey, hey, hey!

And, unlike "the reverend,"
our tailors are real men of the cloth.

Let some feminazi try and resist you
in these attractive yet roomy slacks.

Feels good to have bobo at your feet,
doesn't it, bro?

Now, take a look at this baby...

specially designed by me
with talent on loan from God.

At only . , even you lazy
welfare freeloaders can afford it.

- He normally wears a hood with that white suit!
- That's right.

And it doesn't matter what
if you're big or loud...

'cause we got sizes for everybody...

large, larger
and the new Malcolm X-tra large.

Now, don't worry about getting food
all over your new suit.

All of Rush 'N' Al's Big & Loud suits...

come with our patented
eater's side air-bib!

Now, that's convenience.!

I have a dream...

that I would one day fit in a waist.

- Keep dreaming, pal.
- Get your pink, sweaty white hands off me, bobo.

Oh! Are you gonna start crying,
Rodney King?

Oh, look! There goes Martina Navratilova
kissin' all over your mama!

So maybe we all can't get along.

But we can all get a long coat,
a sport jacket and two pairs of trousers...

for under $ .

That's right... under $ .

At Rush 'N' Al's, we've got the suit for you,
whether you're white or wrong.

And we're easy to find too.
Take a right on Martin Luther King Boulevard.

And just keep heading west until
you smell the tender, flaky apple fritters...

leading you to our spacious outlet.

- So come on down!
- To Rush 'N' Al's Big & Loud Shop.

Our stomachs are inflated!

But our prices are not!

Come on! Let's go and eat!

Hi, this is Kitty Singleton
in the Fox News room.

Joining us is the director of Housing and
Urban Development, Mr. Richard Sullivan.

Mr. Sullivan, how have the recent
budget cuts affected HUD?

Terribly. Our agency was one
of the hardest hit by the cutbacks...

largely due to the negative press
over past scandals...

which is tragic because low-income housing
is essential to the welfare of the country.

By making cutbacks in our department...

you are really shutting the door
on the future of our children.

But what reassurances do we have
that impropriety won't happen again?

Well, I guess all you have is my word.

See, when the treasury was first set up,
they lacked a mission statement...

unclear goals of the department that allowed
the situation to get way out of hand.

Employees were not required to get projects
and loans approved through proper channels.

But since that time new rules
have been implemented...

which provide safeguards
against that ever happening again.

You mentioned a mission statement.
What is HUD's mission statement?

Well, I can't tell you
the exact wording...

but we are here to help provide low-income
families the chance for affordable housing...

and, in the process,
help develop the inner city.

How will the cuts
in the budget hurt HUD?

Kitty, the budget cuts
were based on the idea...

that the interest rate
would fall below four percent...

thus lowering the need
for HUD dollars.

But the interest rate
has remained constant...

which will deplete the funds that HUD
has allowed for low-interest loans.

What exactly is HUD doing to revitalize
the nation's crime-ridden public housing?

Well, as you know, there are
over . million Americans...

living in public housing...

and HUD has delegated
over $ , , ...

for rebuilding and security purposes.

We are hoping to improve
the housing department...

so that the families can once again
feel secure in their own home.

But won't the cutbacks
be detrimental to public housing?

No. Regardless
of presidential budget cuts...

public housing
is our number-one priority.

So I would like to reassure the low-income
tenants that even though the president...

is retreating from urban homesteading...

the housing department
will not abandon these people.

Now, what projects can we expect to see
from HUD in the near future?

Oh, well, to name all the goals
of HUD would be futile...

considering the time allotted here.

But I can tell you that
the new commission was designed...

not only to help the consumer...

but also the infrastructure
of our inner cities.

Okay, now, you speak about public housing,
but what about the first-time home buyer?

With proper employee verification
we can ensure that those people...

will be first on the list to get homes
with substantial down payments.

Well, I want to thank you
very much, Mr. Sullivan...

for taking time out of your busy schedule
and joining us here today.

- It's been my pleasure.
- This has been Kitty Singleton, live for Fox News.

Good night.

♪♪ [R&B]

♪♪ [Ends]

[Announcer]
And now, a few minutes with Randy Rooney.

Did you ever notice how many myths
there are about black people?

Why is it white people say
we all look alike?

I get Gary Coleman and Shaquille O'Neal
confused all the time.

And why do they always tell me
some of their best friends are black...

yet you never seem to see them
with their best friends?

[Pager Beeping]

How come when a black man's beeper
goes off, he's a wanted felon...

but when a white guy's beeper goes off,
he's a-wanted in surgery?

And why is it that every government report
that comes out about black people...

makes our future seem so bleak?

We've got high blood pressure,
high cholesterol...

high triglycerides, high sodium.

The only thing that's low is our pay.

[Siren Blaring]

Did you ever notice that the police
seem to always pull you over...

when you're hanging
with the homeboys?

Their idea of a warning
is a Taser blast.

And those Taser darts hurt!
Ouch!

These are one
of those flesh-colored Band-Aids.

Whose flesh
are they talking about anyway?

Certainly not ours.

And when the police pull you over...

why do you always seem
to fit the description...

of a suspect they're looking for?

Kind of makes you think
it's a conspiracy, doesn't it?

Do you ever wonder why white women always
clutch their purses when a brother walks by?

They think we're all criminals.

Jeffrey Dahmer was white, but I don't think
every white person I see wants to eat me.

And you know what really bugs me?

Why is it a Soul Train?

I guess if it were a Soul Buick,
the cops would pull it over...

because Don Cornelius
fit the description...

of a suspect they're looking for.

[Announcer] And that was a few moments
of dissing with Randy Rooney.

- What'll you have, pal?
- Uh, uh, uh...

- How much... How much... How much for a beer?
- Uh, dollar- .

Dollar- ? Good Lord!
That's a lot of money for a beer.

Uh, uh, uh...
How much for a light beer?

- . .
- . ?

Good Lord!
That don't sound too light to me.

Uh, uh, wh-why don't you wring out
the dirty bar rag in my mouth? Yeah.

Uh, I can't do that, man.

Okay, okay, okay.
Uh, uh, how much for a virgin daiquiri?

- Uh, that'll be . .
- . ! Good Lord!

How 'bout I give you cents,
and you give me a Kool-Aid with six kids?

- I can't do it, man.
- How 'bout... How 'bout wine?
How 'bout some wine?

- Three dollars.
- Three bucks! Good Lord!

How 'bout I give you cents...

and you give me a rum Lifesaver
and a glass of water?

Look, man, I poured a beer earlier.

You can go ahead and drink that, but when
you finished, you got to get out of here, okay?

Thanks a lot, man. Thanks a lot.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!

How much for them pistachio nuts?

Pistachios are a dollar, buddy.

A dollar for pistachio nuts!
Good Lord!

How 'bout I give you cents,
you let me suck them right off your fingers?

Look, buddy. Don't get smart with me.

I'll have you thrown out of here, all right?
Don't make me call the bouncer.

Hey, hey. That's all right.
That's all right. Okay.

Hey, ladies. How you doin'?
What you listenin' to?

- We're playin' some Bell Biv Devoe.
- Bell Biv Devoe, huh?

- Uh, how much it cost? How much it cost?
- Three dollars a song.

Three dollars a song? Good Lord!

How 'bout I give you cents,
and you play some Ralph Tresvant?

They don't even have Ralph Tresvant.

Why don't you just quit bothering us?

Look, buddy, why don't you get away from
the jukebox and stop bothering my customers?

Why don't you give me another drink,
and I'll just bother you?

Don't push it.

Good man. Good man.

Boy, you sure look good tonight,
and I sure am horny.

Uh, how much it cost
for some company?

- Fifty bucks. Let's go.
- Fifty bucks! Good Lord! Fifty bucks.

That's a lot of money.
Now, what do I get for that?

I'll go home with you and take you
to the moon, okay? Let's go.

How 'bout I give you $ ,
and you take me to El Segundo?

Fifty bucks.

Fifty bucks!
That's a lot of money.

Okay, how 'bout I give you eight dollars,
and you let me smell your bra?

Look, I told you bucks, okay?

Okay, okay.
How much would it cost...

How much would it cost me if I was
to rub up against your leg like a dog?

- Seventy bucks.
- Seventy bucks! Good Lord!

Oh! Oh! How 'bout I give you four dollars,
and you give me a Scooby Snack?

Look... Look, swamp thing.
Why don't you just get the hell out of here?

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Is this creep botherin' you?
- Yes, he is.

Hey, man, like I told you...
I warned you, didn't I?

Snooky!
Get this guy out of here.

- With pleasure.
- Who's Snooky?

I'm gonna punch you
into next week, buddy.

Why don't you punch me into Wednesday?
That's pay day!

Hey! Hey! Snooky! Snooky!

♪♪ [R&B]

♪♪ [Soloing]

♪♪ [Ends]

Yeah, right this way, now.

Uh, excuse me,
but that girl's sitting in my seat.

Now, hold up, Uncle Remus. Look, she's
sittin' there 'cause I told her to sit there.

- But I got a ticket.
- I don't care if you got a ticket.

I want to hit on her. I don't want to hit on you.
Now, sit down, Big Daddy Kane.

Yeah, s... sit down,
Big-Big-Big Daddy Red.

Hey, hey, hold up,
J.J. Walker and Carol Burnett.

[Cackling]
What'd you say?

Hi, I'm Nancy Axelrod.
This is my assistantJordan.

I called early for V.I.P. Seats.

Oh, you called for V.I.P. Seats?
So you supposed to be sittin' over there, right?

- That's right, yeah.
- No, that's wrong. You ain't on the list.

- You don't even have a list.
- That's why you ain't on the list.

Yeah, I guess... I guess we-we-we
call you listless, M-Muppet man.

All right, now,
hold on just a second here.

I happen to be
Marsha Warfield's agent, okay?

Marsha Warfield. So I suggest
you treat us with a little more respect!

I don't care if you're Marcia Brady's agent.
You're not getting those seats.

Well, this is absolutely unacceptable!
The producer is gonna hear about this!

- The producer, all right?
- Get out of here. What are you? A parrot?

Hey, yo, man! This is what we
used to do back in the day.

- ♪♪ [Rhythmic Sounds]
- ♪♪ [Vocalizing]

Yo, yo, yo, hold up, hold up.

Can't you see the sign?
Ain't nobody allowed on the stage.

Yeah. Y-You can't read?
R-Reading's fundamental.

You better get h-hooked on phonics.

I can read the sign.
I'm the producer of the show.

Well, you know what?
I wish I could let ya back, Mr. Producer...

but I happen to think that you're a liar.

Liar, pants on fire. B-Bologna log.

- All right, look, boys...
- Oh! Whoo! Boys!

- It's on, it's on.
- After the Rodney King stuff, whoo!

All right. Listen up, you two.
Get back to work. That's an order.

- You want fries with that?
- Big Boy eat the "J" off ofJanuary.

I guess you need directions
to your seat, my sister?

No, I'm Marsha Warfield.
I just came to get a feel for the crowd.

- [Laughing]
- [Muttering]

Okay, anyway, so you're supposed to go
tell some jokes and that type of stuff.

- The crowd'll be laughing and all that stuff, huh?
- They'll go, "Hee-hee, ho-ho."

Why do I get the feeling you two
went to school on the little bus?

How'd she know?

Oh, yeah, I know you now.
You was on that show Night Court, right?

You used to hang around,
like, Harry and Dan and all that.

- Yo, who was that big bald-headed guy?
- Bull.

You damn right it's bull!
I don't believe you no Marsha Warfield!

You got that right.

Ain't anybody seen you on the back page
of Jet or in the damn middle.

- Look, Amos and Burrhead, if you don't mind...
- I do mind!

That's right, and a m-mind
is a t-terrible thing to waste.

Don't you two have a car
to jack somewhere?

How did she know we had a car...
Hey, look here.

If you was a man,
I'd be bustin' your ass right about now.

If you was a man, I'd let you.

It's on!

- It's on!
- Excuse me!

- Ms. Warfield, is there a problem here?
- Yes, there is.

Yeah, th-there is.
There's your problem right there!

- Is that true?
- No, there ain't no problem, man.

I was just gonna help
Ms. Warfield get backstage.

Let's go, Ms. Warfield.
I'll escort you to the green room.

Thank you. Here's a quarter.
Go buy yourself a personality.

Yeah, and with the change,
buy yourself some class!

And l-learn how to m-manage
your emotions.

Uh, uh, I was just
in the green room, 'cause...

Yeah. I'm gonna put you in
the black and blue room! That's what's up!

[Laughs]
Let's do like old school.

- ♪♪ [Rhythmic Sounds]
- ♪♪ [Vocalizing]

Come on, put your hands
together right now!

Put your hands together!
Keep it going!

Let's give it up for the Guru's Jazzamatazz
along with N'Dea Davenport.

You know it!

♪♪ [R&B]

♪♪ [Rapping]

♪♪ [Singing]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Ends]