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Build up your leg muscles
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for when you have to make a quick getaway
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Look. Ain't that your mama
tongue-kissin' Louis Farrakhan?
Whoa!
And if you order
our fitness program today...
we will send you our helpful
Deal Some Meal cards.
- Help me out, Michelin Man.
- Don't you mean handout, Freeloading Willy?
Let me show you how it works.
When you're done eating all the food listed
on these cardlets, you're done eatin' the meal.
The shakes are easy to make.
Simply add your favorite ingredients.
- Some fried chicken for Al.
- And a cr*cker for the cr*cker.
Blend thusly.
Mmm!
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- If that's low-cal, that must be Rush 'N Al's!
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as Clinton's health plan...
you've gotta take firm action.
- Don't you mean affirmative action?
- Hell, no.
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because even if we can't all get along...
- Can't we all sweat along? Come on, everybody!
- Yes, sir!
[Man Announcing] Send $ . to
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- [Laughing]
- ♪ In living color♪
♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪
♪ In living color♪
- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪
♪ In living color♪
♪ In living color♪
♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪
♪ You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪
- ♪ Take it from me, it's a'ight to be ♪
- Hi-yah!
♪ In living color♪
♪ And how would ya...
How would ya... How would ya f... ♪
♪ How would you feel knowing
prejudice was obsolete ♪
♪ And all mankind danced
to the exact b*at ♪
[Echoing] ♪ And at night it was safe
to walk down the street ♪
♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪
♪ In living color♪
♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪
- [Turntable Scratching]
- ♪ In living color♪♪
[Laughing]
Ma, slow down!
I'm tryin' to talk to ya!
Gloria, Archie
will be home any minute.
And if he doesn't get his dinner
by : , he gets gas...
and he poops in his sleep.
Oh, Archie, you're home.
How was your day?
It was fresh, Edith.
You're never gonna guess
what happened today.
You didn't get pulled over
by the cops?
No, I didn't get pulled over
by the cops, you dingbat.
We were eating lunch today,
and this trucker comes by, you see.
So we pull him out of his cab.
We b*at the hell outta that h*nky.
- Oh, that's terrible, Archie.
- No, Edith, that's good...
because the trucker turned out
to be Stretch Cunningham.
He'll be out for six weeks,
and I'm taking over his job.
Daddy! How can you celebrate
something like that?
Like this. Whoop-de-do!
Whoop-de-do! Whoop-de-do!
Now, where the hell
is dinner, Edith?
Oh, we're waitin' for Gloria's
new boyfriend, Michael.
Yeah, Daddy, and I want you
to be really cool with him.
Don't worry, little girl. If he
makes you happy, he makes me happy.
- [Doorbell Rings]
- Now open the door for the hamhockhead.
Daddy!
Hi, Michael!
Hello, everyone.
My, what an interestin' weave.
Who hooked ya up?
I grew it myself,
and they're called dreadlocks.
Dreadlocks, schmeadlocks.
That's a dried-upJheri Curl there.
Looks like an activator
went on strike there, Michael.
Mr. Bunker, you don't understand.
I'm Jamaican.
Jamaican, Haitian, Dominican... What the
hell's the difference? You need a fade.
- Daddy!
- Case closed. Let's grub.
Well, everybody sit down.
Archie, I hope you like it.
It's your favorite... collard greens.
Where the hell did you pick these, Edith?
They smell terrible.
You been down
to the railroad tracks again?
They smell like somebody's armpits.
No, Mr. Bunker.
I'm afraid that is me.
I am au naturel.
What's au naturel?
Ma, that means he doesn't
believe in using deodorants.
Oh. Ohhh!
You'd think bein' surrounded
by all that water...
they'd at least touch it
every once in a while.
But what would you expect?
Jamaicans rank pretty low.
I'm sorry, Gloria.
I love you...
but I won't sit here
and be insulted.
[Gasps]
Daddy! Ma!
Archie, do somethin'.
Apologize.
Gee! Okay, Michael there.
Look, uh, I'm sorry
if I offended you and your...
what do you call...
"Risteferians" there.
- Rastafarians.
- Whatever.
Mr. Bunker, your thinkin'
stinks, ya know.
For your information,
we're all the same.
No, no, wait a second, buddy.
That's where you're wrong!
'Cause at the top of your list is your classic
American brother there. We were here first.
We invented the peanut and your...
what do you call... your Soul Train there.
Second on your list are your Africans
who traded us for a bottle of rum.
The sellouts. And on the bottom of the list
there, you got your island brothers...
your basic... what do you call...
cab driver/shortstop.
Oh, Daddy, stop it!
You know, you could learn
a lot from Michael.
He's very close to nature.
Unlike yourself. Me, I only put
natural things in my body...
from the earth, like ganja.
Aw, geez.
What's ganja?
It's the Chronic bud.
Now get my nine, Edith.
We got a crackhead over here.
- Oh.
- Crackhead?
If you don't mind me sayin',
Mr. Bunker, it's attitudes like yours...
that continue to allow our people
to be oppressed by the oppressor.
And let me tell you somethin',
Mr. Henry Belafonte there...
[Blows Raspberry]
That is it!
I am leaving!
Daddy, do something!
He's the man I love,
and I'm gonna have his baby!
What? You hit that?
You hit that? Aw, geez.
Now, Archie, check yourself.
Remember your high blood pressure.
That's a good idea, Edith.
I think I'm gonna give
myself a stroke right now.
I'm giving myself a stroke, Edith!
I'm giving myself a stroke here!
I'm giving myself a stroke here, Edith!
Aw, Archie!
Are you...
Archie, are you all right?
Peachy keen, Edith.
I got my lovely wife here,
my beautiful little girl...
and a son-in-law
named Bob Marley there.
- ♪♪ [Hip-hop]
- ♪♪ [Men Rapping]
♪♪ [Continues]
♪♪ [Ends]
Hello. My name is Francis.
And welcome to the Curly Cue Restaurant.
How are you guys doing?
- Fine.
- Good. Would you like to hear
my specials for this evening?
- Sure. Why not?
- Okay, well, for appetizers...
we have a lovely Belgian
endive salad with garlic croutons.
They are very, very nice.
We have a very mini goat cheese pizza.
It's like an Eggo waffle,
but it's really, really small...
and it has different
kinds of cheeses on it.
It's really, really delicious.
Now listen to this.
We have a black bean
crab cake napoleon.
Very, very delicious.
Appears to look like hockey pucks
but isn't. Very, very delicious.
And we have a very ugly fruit chutney.
Now, what we do is we combine a peach...
- I know what I want.
- Can you tell me about the chutney?
Uh, sure. The chutney is actually made of
a combination of Cap'n Crunch and Pop Tarts.
We chop 'em up really, really fine...
and we put clear gelatin over 'em...
just like they make 'em in Starburst...
and it's really, really good.
We take that and dust it
with a Norwegian cocoa.
Now, that's like the cocoa you get...
you know, with the little rabbit on the carton.
- But it's not.
- Hey, excuse me. We're kind of hungry here.
So could we just get
like some chips and salsa?
- Uh, sure. That shouldn't be a problem.
- Great.
That we have in crushed corn.
It comes out of the Southwest.
Blue chips, triangular.
They're really, really wonderful.
The corn...
They call it maize, you know.
The corn is really wonderful.
They import that from Mexico...
Hey, fine. Whatever. Just hurry.
Now for the salsas this evening.
We have a relish salsa.
That's with a white...
Shut up! Go get it!
[Stammers]
Red speaks.
Oh, I forgot almost!
For the beverages this evening...
- Water. Water.
- Oh, I ain't surprised.
Um, we have a Norwegian
pomegranate sparkler...
- which you will really, really love...
- Hey, hey, hey, hey!
- Plain water!
- We don't have crude oil.
We also have an orange juice...
Hey, buddy, buddy, buddy. Two atoms
of hydrogen, one atom of oxygen...
two glasses of water!
Hmm. And two and two
makes four, huh?
Don't you just love this place?
No.
And on my birthday,
we're goin' to Snack-n-Shack.
[Laughing]
Oh.
Lucky day! All right, this
is for you and Roy Firestone.
Now, would you like to hear
our entrées for tonight?
- Oh, yes, I would love to!
- That's wonderful.
- No! No more specials, man. Come on.
- Man, you... [Screams]
You scared the hell out of...
Are you Kashif?
Hey, man. Yo, I don't know
what you're talkin' about.
- But could you tell me where the bathroom is?
- He looks just like Kashif.
Uh, yeah, the bathroom. Certainly. You take
the lovely route by the maître d's podium.
- Yeah.
- Past the coatroom you will see a paneled wall.
- It has flowers on it like on the Scooby Doo van.
- Yeah.
Really, really nice. You go past that.
You'll see some tiny little bonsai trees...
Just point!
- Which way, man? Which way?
- That way.
Yes!
Somebody help my wife!
She's choking!
- Anybody know the Heimlich?
- Uh, yes, yes. Uh, certainly I do.
I can actually go
with the traditional move...
which all I do is wrap
around here to the torso.
Hold on. Hold on.
And/or I can do the French étouffée...
and that is a sh*t
straight to the midsection...
which will bring the food
right out through the nose.
Or I can do the Caribbean,
which I limbo...
She's choking, you idiot!
- Caribbean...
- [Grunting]
Did she have
microwave popcorn?
How about you like something
in a lovely fist, buddy?
I wouldn't recommend you do that,
see, 'cause I grab it here, crane here...
right here to the thing,
sit you in the seat.
Now, I have options at this point.
I can take this knee. You see it.
All right? Do just like
in Jurassic Park, baby.
All right?
Turn.
I got a knee to the midsection,
which is gonna shut you the hell up!
Or I can break his collarbone.
At this point,
I have some choices.
Okay? I can either do
all those morbid things...
or finish reading the menu,
Lawrence McCutcheon!
- The menu. The menu.
- The menu.
Right this way, Mr. Bonds.
We must hurry.
- We don't want to keep
your baseball fans waiting.
- Thanks, Mark.
- Oh, no! My God!
- [Tires Screeching]
- What happened?
- I think I hit a water buffalo.
Hey, let me in here.
You better let me in here. [Barking]
Hey, man, get us
the hell out of here!
- Where is it? Where did it go?
- [Barking]
- Hi. How y'all doin'?
- What does it want?
I want you to get up outta
this car is what I want you to do.
Mark, just do what it says.
Just do what it says.
I got you. You finally here. Don't run
from this. What's wrong with you?
Lady, lady, lady!
Y'all got the wrong ballplayer.
I'm not the guy that fouled
that ball off your face.
Oh, you so crazy.
Look, I got a surprise for you.
Meet the fruit of your pork loins.
Wanda Jr., meet your dad.
[Loud Belching]
You got the wrong guy.
Look, look, look.
I'm Barry Bonds.
I'm a baseball player.
I know who you are. You can get this
right on Slauson and Crenshaw.
I got ReggieJackson and everybody.
So where was you April then?
Huh? Where was you?
- I had a double-header that night.
- Ooh, double-header.
- I like double-headers. You so kinky.
- Please, please.
That's what I like about you. Don't you remember
you picked me up at the Chunky Monkey, right?
And you was in this "Listerine," and we was
drinkin' cognac and "vodkay" and pork rinds.
'Cause you like that stuff.
That's what you like. That's what you like.
And then the next thing I know, in the morning
you go try to jump out the window...
and leave me by myself
with this responsibility.
You ain't right. You ain't right.
You got to pay for your responsibilities.
How could you
do me like this? Huh?
- Let me see your booty. That's the way I can tell.
- No.
That's a lot ofbooty,
but it ain't no "T." Who's got the "T"?
I've been tryin' to tell you,
I'm not the guy you're lookin' for.
Well, all I know... He was tall, and he was
black, and he was drivin' this "Listerine."
- Oh, no, no, no.
- There he go.
- No, no, no, no!
- There you are!
[Man Announcing]
Live from the inner city...
it's East Hollywood Squares.
With Ike Turner, Eartha Kitt...
Garrett Morris, Isabel Sanford...
Gary Coleman, Video Star...
Antonio "Huggy Bear" Vargas...
Esther Rolle and Skeeter.
And now the host
of East Hollywood Squares...
Peter Marshall.!
Thank you, Kenny. Welcome
to East Hollywood Squares.
Hello, stars.
Good to see you.
Well, you know Susan here
and Henry, our players...
and I want to show you
folks at home...
who our secret square is
for this first game.
So, Susie, you're
going to start it off.
You won the toss backstage,
so pick a star and good luck.
Okay, I'll take Ike Turner, please.
- [Peter] Ike, how's it going?
- What the problem is!
- I said how are you?
- Yeah, back at you with a baseball bat.
Uh, Ike, listen carefully.
How long...
How long does it take
to whip eggs for a soufflé?
Tina? Is that you?
Tina, you shut your damn mouth.
Uh, are you listening carefully?
The question refers to whipping eggs, Ike.
Oh, I thought you meant
whippin' ass. Okay, look here.
Uh, all right, Peter.
That's right. That's right.
Well, first of all, you got to begin with
they're good eggs, then they're bad eggs.
First you got to get all up in here.
Now, once you up in there,
you got to bust it open. cr*ck it.
You know what I'm sayin'. cr*ck?
Who said somethin' about cr*ck?
No, man, that ain't no cr*ck.
That was, uh, baking soda, man.
I'm off the narcotic.
And, Tina, if you're
watchin', call me, girl.
I got a tune for ya. All right, Peter,
I gotta say about three minutes.
- Three minutes, Susan.
- I'll agree.
- [Buzzer Buzzes]
- No, no, I'm sorry. That's incorrect.
It's about, uh...
It's about nine. Nine minutes.
And, Ike, get some help, please.
Okay, uh, Henry, uh, pick a star.
- I'm gonna go with Eartha Kitt.
- Sure.
Eartha, in the movie
Batman Returns...
what box office star
played Catwoman?
Well, Peter...
[Purrs]
I hate to be catty,
but I do, uh...
I do say that after all
I should've played the part.
That Michelle Pfeiffer is just
not half the "cat-ress" I am.
She was a catastrophe.
[Hacking]
Just as I thought.
A hair ball.
I believe the answer is...
Her answer is Michelle Pfeiffer.
- I'll agree.
- Correct. "X" gets the square.
All right, Susan. Your turn.
Okay, I'll got with Isabel Sanford.
[Peter]
Isabel, dear, nice to see you.
[Deep Voice]
Yes, George.
No, no, no, Isabel.
It's Peter here.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Bentley.
- That's all right.
According to the
Food and Drug Administration...
what's part
of a well-balanced breakfast?
Oh, that's simple.
Corn flakes, toast,
whiskey, cigarettes...
perhaps that fur ball
she just coughed up...
and a hint of schnapps.
Isabel, girl, you sound kinda cute.
Can you take a punch?
[Snorting]
- Well, Peter, I'm gonna have to disagree.
- [Bell Dings]
Correct.
Circle gets the square.
Put the circle up there,
Isabel. There you are.
You know, we've been playing
the game here all evening.
We haven't even heard
from our good friend Gary Coleman.
- Gary, how're you doing up there?
- How ya doin', Peter?
- Nice... Good, good. You see that?
- [Audience Applauding]
Tell us...
What have you been up to?
Well, I just finished
my new book...
What You Talkin'About?
I'm Not Webster.
All right. Your pick, Henry.
- I'm thinking of going
with my favorite actor, Antonio Vargas.
- Certainly.
[Siren Wailing]
[Peter] That's it.
That is the secret square.
All right, here we go, for the game.
We go to Huggy Bear.
What were George Washington's
false teeth made of?
I don't know nothin', Starsky...
but the word on the street says
that Baretta's got a bird.
And there's stuff
comin' in on Pier .
You know, I had
goldfish in my stash.
All right. Do you agree
or disagree?
- I'll agree.
- No.
- [Buzzer Buzzes]
- I'm terribly sorry. You should've disagreed.
Susan, well, you can
win it all right here, okay?
Oh, this is so exciting.
I'm gonna take Huggy Bear to win!
For the win, Antonio, what do Georgia,
Florida and the Carolinas have in common?
Hey, hey, hey, Hutch, Hutch.
I don't know nothin' about nothin', man.
But all I know is
word is on the street...
that they all down
with a pimp named Silky.
- I'll disagree.
- [Bell Dings]
Circle gets the square and the game.
Congratulations, Susan.
It looks like you're our new champion.
Uh, Peter, excuse me,
but nobody asked me anything up here.
I'm wonderin' why
nobody asked me nothin'.
'Cause you're too damn loud!
That's why!
Who you callin' loud,
you old crow? cr*ck-smokin'...
Boy, you better shut up.
I'll whoop you like you was Tina!
I'll perm your curls.
I'll stick my foot in your behind
and kick it to hell and back!
- I'll k*ll you.!
- Did someone say Helen?
Well, that does it for this session
of the East Hollywood Squares.
Thank you, stars. Thank you, players.
Thank you, audience.
And join us next time for more fun
on the East Hollywood Squares. Bye-bye.
Thanks for watchin'. We'll see you
next week. Good night, tomahawk.
♪♪ [Theme]
♪♪ [Theme]
05x09 - November 11, 1993
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Sketch comedy series strove to produce comedy with a strong emphasis on modern Black subject matter.
Sketch comedy series strove to produce comedy with a strong emphasis on modern Black subject matter.