05x11 - December 2, 1993

[bunniefuu]

- [Laughing]
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

- ♪ Take it from me, it's a'ight to be ♪
- Hi-yah!

♪ In living color♪

♪ And how would ya...
How would ya... How would ya f... ♪

♪ How would you feel knowing
prejudice was obsolete ♪

♪ And all mankind danced
to the exact b*at ♪

[Echoing] ♪ And at night it was safe
to walk down the street ♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- [Turntable Scratching]
- ♪ In living color♪♪

[Laughing]

[Man] Well, it's been one hell
of a fight here tonight at Caesar's Palace...

- six of the most intense rounds
of fighting I've ever seen.
- [Bell Dings]

And the seventh round
is under way. Ooh!

A crushing blow to the head,
followed by an uppercut.

Jefferson circling.

- What... What in the world...
- [Crowd Clamoring]

- [Groaning]
- What is this?

Could this be the notorious Fan Man?
No! No!

It's Carl "the Tooth" Williams.
Tooth! Tooth, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm just showing
my skills on the ropes.

You know what I'm saying?
'Cause I got skills like this.

Oh!

See, the thing about it is I have
studied all of Ali's moves, right?

And he has what you call
the rope-a-dope, right?

- Well, this is what I call "dope on a rope."
- [Crowd Booing]

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Tooth, they're booing you.

- It looks like your little stunt
isn't going over here too well.
- No, they're not saying boo.

What they're saying is,
"The Tooth. The Tooth. The Tooth. The Tooth."

Look out there now.

What's going...
Hey! Look out there.

- How you doin', all my fans?
- Tooth, what are you doing here?

- Basically, I'm just dangling.
- But why, Tooth?

Oh, well, you know, see...

I had to ask myself that question
sometimes too, you know...

'cause I was supposed to be here
with Don King, right?

He said he was gonna give me the fight,
but he didn't want to fly a brother in.

And I got a homey...
His name is Luke, right?

He say, " Hey, don't worry about it.

I'll drop you right over the fight,"
so here I is.

Well... Well... That's fine, Tooth,
but why this parachute?

Well, I tried it without it,
but it's hard on the spine.

Right. Tooth, uh, why do you think...

they should give you a sh*t
at the title after this thing here?

Well, you know, considering...
This is just the way I should be.

You know, I should have the title,
you know what I'm saying?

Considering that the W.B.A.
Ranks you at the bottom of the list...

what makes you think
you're worth a title sh*t?

The reason they rank me
at the bottom of the list...

- is because it's in alphabetical order.
- Uh-huh.

You see, it's A-B-C-D...

uh, all them other letters, and then "T."

Uh, actually, Tooth,
the WBA ranks the boxers...

according to the number of victories...

overall points and difficulty of opponents.

- Is that what they do?
- That's what they do.

Okay, for straight... I guess changing
my name wouldn't help then, huh?

- I'm afraid not, Tooth.
- Well, hey, don't sweat it.

- Hey, man, why don't you get out the ring...
- Hey, man.

- I hear you. I tell you what.
- And let some real fighters fight, man?

- I see you got your back turned.
I see you got your back turned.
- I'm over here, man.

- I'm over here. I'm over here.
- That's what I'm saying.

Well, then, it's on, then, man.
Come on, man.

Hey! Hey, brother.

Hey, man. Hey, bro... I just met you, man.
Why we gotta do all this?

Man, man, man, I trained
six months for this fight.

Hey, that's your problem. You need
to quit training and start fighting.

- Man, I'll take you out.
- Oh, did know... Hey.

Take me out?
K.F.C. Got a special rotisserie.

- Look...
- Here.

- That's right.
- [Groans]

Yeah, that's right.
That's right.

Yeah, you right.

Yeah, that's right.
Yeah, that's right.

- [Groans]
- [Groans]
- I don't believe it.

Johnson and Feicher
are both knocked out.

- Tooth, what happened?
- Well... Well, see...

- Where you at?
- Over here.

You saw it here tonight live, folks.

Maybe Carl "the Tooth" Williams
does deserve a sh*t at that title.

You damn skippy.

Let me at 'im!
Let me at 'im!

♪♪ [Hip-hop]

♪♪ [Man Rapping]

♪♪ [Ends]

[Man] This week,
In Living Color asks the question...

"What if the Menendez brothers
were black?"

- Did you talk to the governor, man?
- Yeah, man...

Did you tell him
that it wasn't our fault, man?

- Our mama done flashed us
more than a stop light, yo?
- I'm tellin' ya.

Did he tell you that our dad tongue
kissed us better than our dates?

Did he tell you that every night
our dad tucked us in...

he tucked us in with him?

That ain't funny, man.
It's all your fault, Lyle.

- Man, I'll tell you...
- Mom like to sleep with you the best.

[Electrical Sputtering]

[Sizzling]

Oh! It's hot!

Hi. I'm Lorena Bobbitt...

the crazy gal who filleted
her hubby's beef jerky...

and I'm honored that the people
at Ginsu International...

have decided to cash in
on my cheap celebrity...

and make me a spokesperson for...

the Deboner .

Finally, a kitchen product for
the modern woman who's had enough...

of ordinary knives.

Ladies...

Ladies, do you sometimes feel oppressed
and subservient to your kitchen?

Ah. How liberating.

Look at how it chops this carrot.

This cucumber. This banana.

And ladies, this Kn*fe will cut
any worthless piece of meat.

It can... It can take this
painfully thick kielbasa...

and turn it into a harmless doggy treat.

[Kissing]

Good boy. But don't throw
exhibit "A" out the window...

not with company coming over.

Mmm.
[Chuckles]

Great munchies, Lorena.
[Chuckles]

You could just die for these.

Almost.

The Deboner is made
of forged surgical steel...

sharp enough to perform microsurgery.

In fact, you might even have to.

The handle's made of a miracle
polymer that resists fingerprints...

and the Teflon-coated blade
wipes clean in a jiffy.

Not even DNA testing
could find anything on this.

Compact, so it fits in your purse
or under a pillow.

Say you've spent all day making...

this beautiful guacamole dip
for that special someone...

but let's say that special someone
doesn't come home that evening...

You know, but instead decides
to go sample...

some cheap floozie's salsa
down the street.

Then he comes home
all drunk and smelly...

and thinks he can just
roll on top of you...

like you're some skank concubine.

Well, after Mr. Friendly
has done his business...

why don't you make him
a nice cucumber salad...

with the Deboner ?

It slices. It dices.
It chops. It hacks. It severs.

The Deboner chops
through metal zippers.

Cotton shorts.
Whoo!

And is still sharp enough
to hack away...

at this pimply little gamecock.

You cheating, lying,
stupid son of a bitch, I'll k*ll you!

[Woman] Order now and we'll
toss in, absolutely free...

this Ginsu Nutcracker Deluxe.

So what you waiting for?
operators are standing by.

Don't say Ginsu, say "Ow.!"

Jimmy Pineapple, y'all.
Come on, give it up forJimmy Pineapple.

The comic with the Hawaiian shirt,
Jimmy Pineapple.

Now I'd like to thank
the boys from Precinct ...

for celebrating Officer Shannon's
birthday here tonight.

- Is that all right?
- [Cheering]

Now in the spirit of police
and community relations...

I'd like to bring up this next act...

Sammy and Bill.

Thank you.
Thank you so much.

[Chuckling]
Oh, man, it's good to be here.

Now I'm just trying to help improve
community/police relations...

through a smile.

Now I think it's time you all met
a little friend of mine...

Patrolman Bill.

Oh, man.
Thank you.

Well, it's good to see you,
Patrolman Bill.

Why, you look a little different to me.

[Shouting] Yeah, that's because
you're not looking at me...

through prison bars, you punk.

He's funny, isn't he?

Yeah. Well, right now,
ladies and gentlemen...

we'd like to bring about peacemaking...

by doing a little sketch we call...

"The Traffic Stop."

Comin' at you.
"Traffic Stop."

Thank you.

Uh, Officer, uh...

There seems to be a problem.
What is it?

[Shouting]
Damn tootin' there's a problem.

Get your hands where I can see 'em!

Look, man, what's this all about?
I didn't do anything wrong.

Yeah? Well, it's a
-mile-an-hour zone, punk...

and you're doing .

One mile an hour?

I mean, what's that?
Are you crazy?

Oh, my God.
Looks like he's on angel dust.

Backup! I need backup!

Thank you. Thank you very much.
Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

[Chuckling] Now for our next sketch,
we would like to do...

a little piece we call,
"The Call."

Thank you.

Ding dong.
Man. Who is it?

Police! Open up!

Oh, Officer Bill. Thank God you're here.
I've just been robbed.

Put your hands where I can see 'em!

You don't understand, Patrolman.
I'm the victim.

Yeah? And I'm the freakin' tooth fairy.

You know the drill.
Spread 'em.

Man, this is ridiculous, man.

Why you hassling me, man? The criminal's
running off with all my stuff, man.

Let me ask you something.
Did he steal your damn video camera?

Yes. Good!
[Shouting]

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Y'all been beautiful.
Increase the peace.

I'm off.

Let's give it up.
Sammy and Bill. Come on.

[Chattering]

- Can I help you?
- Yes. Is this Chi Chi Phi fraternity?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, well, my son Barry is rushing.

Barry! Barry!

[Man]
Oh, Ma.

Barry, get in here.

What are you looking at, young man?

You've never seen
an umbilical cord before?

[Groans]
I think I'm seeing things.

Oh, would you look at this pigsty.
This is disgusting.

I do not want you
frequenting this place.

It's a festival of germs
and God knows what else.

Now be a good boy.
Go get me a diet soda.

Go ahead.

Hi. I'm Allison.

I'm in the Morrison dorm.

Hi. I'm Barry.
I'm in room...

She does not need to know that.

You've told her quite enough.

- Barry, are you okay?
- [Groaning]

Yeah. Uh...

Allison, this is my ma.

- Hello.
- What is that thing?

What? My belly button?

Yeah, it's an "outie."

- It's attached to your...
- It happens to be his umbilical cord, Miss Nosy.

Maybe if you'd kept yours,
you wouldn't be such a little slut...

trying to pick up nice boys at an
alcohol-drenched orgy like this one.

You guys are wicked q*eer.
[Sobbing]

Ma! Why do you always do that?

- I think she liked me.
- Oh, honey, not as much as I do.

- I love you.
- I can't live like this anymore.

Everywhere I go, there you are.

I can't even go
to the bathroom alone.

- Well, I don't look.
- Yeah, but you wipe.

Hey, come on, everybody.
Let's Limbo.

- Hey! Hey, get out of here.
- Whoo!

- Get away from me.
- [Laughing]

Smart aleck.
All right, fine.

Never let it be said I am not
an accommodating mother.

All right, you go mingle or whatever
it is you kids call it these days.

I'll just sit here in the corner by myself...

and wait for Alzheimer's to set in.

- Ma...
- No. You shouldn't worry about me...

Even though strokes aren't
uncommon for people my age.

Oh, my heart.

- Okay. I'm going.
- Don't worry about me.

Hi, guys. My name is Barry.

Hi, Barry. You want a beer?

No, I don't think so.

[Whispering] I don't think
my mother would be pleased.

Aw, come on.
How's she gonna know?

All right? Come on.
Come on, chug.

- Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug...
- Well, l...

Okay.

[Belches]

What are you doing?
Are you drinking beer?

Busted.
[Laughs]

Don't you know that alcohol
can damage the fetus?

I'm not your little
fetus anymore, Ma.

Wake up and smell the placenta.

I'm in my th trimester.

Okay, fine.
You go have your fun.

Don't worry about your mother
who gave you life.

I'll just be over here catching
Parkinson's disease.

All right?
Is that what you want?

Fine. Over here in the corner,
catching Parkinson's.

Oh!

- Hi, Allison.
- Hi.

- Do you want to dance?
- Okay.

♪♪ [Dance]

- Barry?
- Oh!

You get away from him.
He's my son.

Oh! Oh!

- Eww! [Screams]
- What?

- Allison, come back.
- It's good for your hair. It's good for your hair.

That's enough out of you, young man.

Obviously you're not
old enough to be an adult.

Now you're very cranky.
You need a time out.

- Stop that! You need a time out.
- I do not.

- Yes, you do.
- Do not.

Oh, yes, you do, young man.
You come with me.

- You are leaving this party. Bye-bye, everybody.
- See ya, guys. See ya.

- [Throbbing]
- I'm sorry about the dance, Allison.

Friday? No, I can't.

I'm... kind of grounded.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, stop kicking.
I mean it, Barry.

I'm gonna hold you in.

Tonight we'd like to welcome
Blue Note recording artist...

Us , doing their new hit single,
"Cantaloop."

- Give it up.
- ♪♪ [Jazzy Dance b*at]

[Indistinct] Yo. This go out to all
my people back home in Brooklyn.

Know what I'm sayin'?
[Indistinct]

Check it.

♪♪ [Rapping]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Ends]