05x16 - February 3, 1994

[bunniefuu]

I'm Tonya Harding,
U.S. Olympic hopeful...

and Portland's favorite blue-collar bimbo.

Are you tired of getting the shaft
when you should be getting the gold?

You sick of losing out
on lucrative product endorsements...

just because you're a duck-huntin',
drag-racin', chain-smokin' broad?

Well, bring 'em to their knees
with the Club!

Why? Why?

Take that, bitch!
Take that to Norway! Endorse this.

What could be simpler?

The Club has been making winners
out of losers all across America.

And now it can help you.

Hey, what'd you do that for?

I thought you were
that sissy, Brian Boitano!

Now, let's say Mom
has a big mouth...

and you're worried she's going to
jeopardize your endorsement contracts.

Oh, look who's here!

My daughter!
Little Miss Second Best.

Not good enough for first!

After all the money
we've spent... Aah!

Bitch!

Love you, too, Mom.

The Club is recommended
by four out of five Texas cheerleaders' moms.

And it's so easy, the entire family
can use it, even ex-husbands.

Although my attorney says
I don't know anything about that.

But don't take my word for it.
Listen to my former bodyguard, Shawn Eckardt.

I used to be this hack bodyguard...

lived in a trailer in my own
pathetic little fantasy world.

Then her sleazo husband
introduced me to the Club.

Now, I'm a celebrity. I even got
on the front page of a bunch of newspapers...

which is pretty good
for a slug like me.

Hey, you. Come on.

- Hey, she did it!
- Did not!

Aah!

Come on, come on.
Let's go. Let's go.

So go for the gold.
Go for the Club.

- [Laughing]
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

- ♪ Take it from me, it's a'ight to be ♪
- Hi-yah!

♪ In living color♪

♪ And how would ya...
How would ya... How would ya f... ♪

♪ How would you feel knowing
prejudice was obsolete ♪

♪ And all mankind danced
to the exact b*at ♪

[Echoing] ♪ And at night
it was safe to walk down the street ♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- [Turntable Scratching]
- ♪ In living color♪♪

[Laughing]

Archie, you're home.

How was your day?

Step off, dingbat.
Work sucked!

I'm sorry, Archie. Maybe this'll
brighten your day. Peep this.

I got us two front-row tickets
to the Funkadelics concert.

Word up! How did you
manage to get these, Edith?

- I traded in your nine.
- Aw, geez, Edith. Not the nine!

I'm sorry, Archie!

Next time somebody busts into the crib, I'll
bust a cap in his ass with George Clinton tickets!

That's just great, Edith.
Just great!

Now leave me alone.
I'm going to bed.

But, Archie, I invited Mr. Munson
and his new girlfriend to play spades.

Aw, geez, gimme a break. I'm not in the mood
for Munson and his roving cockeyes there.

Yeah, they are kind of wack.

Try not to stare at 'em, Edith.

The last time he was here
you almost got yourself hypnotized there.

Oh, Archie, try and be nice.

He really wants you to like his new girlfriend.
I hear she's fly.

[Doorbell Rings]

Don't worry, Edith.
Munson is my ace.

I would never, never dis him.

Hey!
What up, now, Archie?

Aw, geez,
look at the sellout over here.

Uh, Archie, Edith, I would like you
to meet my new main squeeze.

This here is Snowflake.

Hi, everyone!

Snowflake?

Yeah.
It's my stage name.

That's lovely.
So you're in theater?

Yes.
I'm an exotic dancer.

Oh.

Ohh!

Snowflake, go on, give Archie a taste.
[Imitating Drumbeat]

Hold it a minute!
Get away from me!

Munson, call off your bimbo
here, huh?

[Whistles]

Well, it's very nice
to meet you, Snowflake.

And long time no see
to you, Mr. Munson.

How have you...

Hey, Edith...

Your wish is my command.

Edith, Edith, how 'bout gettin' us
some snacks out here?

Yeah, okay, Archie.

Snowflake, why don't you
go on and help Edith out, baby.

- Okay, baby.
- Aw, sookie sookie, now!

Aw geez!
I'm illin' over here.

Munson, are you buggin out,
bringin' her here?

Hey, now, hold up, Archie.
You know I don't play that.

If you can't get along with me and my
woman friend, we gon' raise up right now.

Snowflake, bring yo' ass!

Chill yourself out, Munson!
Just chill yourself out.

I got nothing against her
'cept she's white!

I can kick it with anybody.

Okay, everybody.
Time for cards.

Uh, you know what?

Uh, Archie, why don't you
partner up with Snowflake...

and then me and Edith
will double team.

Hold on a second. I ain't teamin' up
with the white broad!

Oh, chill out, Archie.
I'll be Snowflake's partner.

Okay, Edith.
I won't let you down.

I just love spades.

We kinda' figured that
when you walked in with Munson there.

Snowflake, you wanna deal, girl?

- Yeah.
- Go ahead.

- [Giggling]
- Her giggle's so cute!

It's one for you, it's one for you,
it's one for you...

- It's two for you...
- Uh, baby?

Me!
[Giggles]

It's two for you,
it's two for you...

it's two for me,
it's three...

Is she gonna deal
like that all night?

Could you hurry it up,
Snow White?

- It's Snowflake!
- Whatever!

With all the white girls to choose from, you
could've picked one that finished first grade.

Hey, hey, hold up there.
You 'bout to work my last good nerve.

Why are you yelling at me, baby?

- I'm not talking to you!
- But you're looking at me!

See what you did? I hope you happy!
Now my woman's all upset.

But I didn't say nothing.

- He's talkin' to me.
- But he was lookin' at me.

The brother is cockeyed, Edith!

- Who the hell you calling cockeyed?
- I didn't call you cockeyed!

[Crying]

See, I'm not talking to you!

But you're looking dead straight at me!
[Sobbing]

Now my woman is mad.
I ain't never gonna speak to you again!

Snowflake! Baby child!

Hold on a second, Munson.

Munson! Munson!
Hold up! Munson! Hey, Munson!

Mu... Geez!

- Was he talking to me?
- No, he was talking to me.

- But he was lookin' at me.
- Will you check yourself there?

Great, now I lost my g*n
and my best friend.

I'm sorry, Archie.

But look on the bright side... at least
we're still going to see the Funkadelics.

Well, whoop-dee-doo,
whoop-dee-doo, whoop-dee-doo!

[Announcer]
He's a man barely alive.

We can make him better.
We have the technology.

We can rebuild him.

We can make him stronger,
faster, longer, harder.

John Bobbitt is
The Six-Million Dollar Man.

John, I'm Oscar Goldman.

We've rebuilt you.
We've equipped you with a bionic limb.

Really?

My arms don't feel any different.
My legs feel normal.

Well, maybe you ought to
take a look at that swimsuit calendar.

Whoa!
[Chuckles]

Hey, these bionics are terrific!

Thanks, Mr. Goldman.
See ya.

Whoa!

John, that's a powerful w*apon
you've got there!

Don't let it fall into
the wrong hands. John!

[Announcer] SeeJohn use his super
bionic power to help people in trouble.

I wasn't paying attention. I just hit him,
and now he's trapped underneath my van.

Well, he's limp,
but I still have a pulse.

- [Sobbing]
- Don't worry, lady.

- Talk dirty to me!
- Do you think that's really appropriate right now?

- Do you want to save that kid?
- Yes, I do!

Okay. All right.

Imagine Cindy Crawford
dressed in a skimpy French maid's outfit.

Nothing!

How about putting Madonna across
your knee and slapping her bottom silly?

Nah.
It's not working.

If only a big, strong, muscular man
was here to take control of the situation...

with his sturdy flanks
and sturdy hands.

He could push and pull
and push and pull and push and pull...

- Yeah.
- And free this little boy who's trapped.

How did you do that?

I don't want to talk about it.

[Announcer]
So tune in for the exciting episode of...

John Bobbitt:
The Six-Million Dollar Man.

- Wow.
- [Groaning] Okay, doctor.

I am now experiencing... Ohh!
Some slight discomfort.

Wow! [Laughs]
I bet you are.

I've never seen hemorrhoids
quite that big, Doug.

Thank you.

Looks like somebody
has shingled your butt with Spanish tile.

I'm afraid we're going to have
to retract the hemorrhoids with a steel rod...

so we can expose them
and then burn them off with a laser beam.

All right? Then we'll get you real fixed up
and ready to go home.

- Uh, Doc...
- Oh, I'm sorry.

We can use these twice.

All right, Nurse,
could you get Doug ready?

Sure, Doctor.

Okay! This will
just take a minute.

[Gasps]

- Doug?
- Yes?

[Laughs]
It's me! Peggy!

Oh, my God! Peggy!

Yes! You remember!
Saturday night!

[Laughs]
God, I had so much fun.

- You're such a great dancer.
- Why, thank you, Peggy.
You're not so bad yourself.

- Oh, wow, gee.
- I had a time. I tell you.

- Yeah...
- Ow!

Oh, I'm sorry.
Wow, Doug! If I only knew!

I'm surprised you were even able
to dance Saturday night.

- Um, Peggy?
- Yeah?

Uh, I would really rather
have another nurse.

You know, i-it...
Are you all right with that?

What?
You don't trust me?

Well, it's just, you know...
it's kind of embarrassing.

Doug, I'm a registered nurse.

There's absolutely nothing
for you to be embarrassed about.

Whoo!

Uh, listen, babe...

I think you're gonna need a little shave-a-rooney,
if you know what I mean.

- So just hang tight. I'll be right back. Okay?
- Okay.

Uh, could... could someone
please shut the door?

Hello! The door!
Somebody? Please?

[Speaking Spanish]
Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!

[Speaking Spanish]

And this is the ward
where we perform our laser... surgery.

Laser. Cool.

- Hey, look at that guy's butt.
- Gross!

Uh, come on, kids.

We're going to MichaelJackson's house.
Come on. Hurry up.

Will someone please close the door.

Peggy! Peggy?

Doug? What's wrong now?

- Could you please turn me away from the door.
- Oh, sure, hon.

- Are you all right with that?
- Yeah!

- Thank you. You're a doll.
- There we go. Be right back.

[Laughing Loudly]

Curtains!

Will someone please...

Peggy! Peggy!

Doug, Doug, shh!
What's wrong?

Peggy, I'm sorry. Could you
please close the curtains.

- Oh.
- Thank you.

Whatever you want.
But it's such a lovely day.

Okay!

I'm just going to swing you
here into the light. All righty?

Why, thank you so much, Peggy.

All right, hold tight.
Here we go. It won't hurt.

[Woman On P.A.] All nursing personnel
report to station seven, stat.!

- Gotta go. Hold tight.
- Peggy... Peggy! Please shut the door!

Good lord,
you got a big hemorrhoid!

Look like two ham hocks!

Petey, is that you?

This is Linda George
coming to you live for Eye on America.

We're taking an in-depth look at the
increased cost of laser hemorrhoid surgery.

Is it warranted, or is the public being
made to pay for a giant insurance scam?

Now, here...

Wow! Guys, guys!
We've got a live one.

Get a close-up of this guy's large,
gaping, cavernous rectal cavity.

- Wow, what a great sh*t.
- Will you please leave!

It's obvious that you're here
for hemorrhoidal surgery. Is it expensive?

Is this live? Is this national?
Cause I'm not all right with that.

Please turn the camera around.
Peggy!

Hey, wait a minute. I know you.
You're high school principal Doug McPhearson.

- No, no, no.
- Yeah! I did a story on your school last month.

Come over here and get a nice, good sh*t
of Mr. McPhearson's face.

This one!
[Laughs]

Is this Hard Copy?

We have a hemorrhoid
exclusive here, folks.

We'll be right back after these messages
to talk to Mr. Doug McPhearson.

♪♪ [Dance Funk]

♪♪ [Ends]

Whoo!

Man! Man, oh, man! What a blizzard!
We are lucky to be alive!

Man, you ain't lyin'.
I am freezing!

- Is anybody home?
- Man, we're just lucky we found this place.

Hey, Richie, look at this, man!

Look at this!
We done hit the jackpot!

Oh, snow!

Trapped all alone with snow bunnies?

[Laughs] And no way out of here!
Man, this is great.

[Woman]
Hey.! Who's out there?

Just a couple of handsome skiers
who got caught in a snowstorm!

Who's in there?

Uh, just me and my sister,
butt naked with some sesame seed oil.

Oh, man.

Look here, girl. We just need to dry off
these wet clothes we got.

We'll be on our way
as soon as this storm lets up.

Yeah, and I hear it's gonna
be about a week or two.

Come on out, snow bunny!
Don't be shy now.

[Both Screaming]

Hey!
What's wrong with y'all?

- [Screaming]
- Here's your snow bunny right here.

Oh, my Lord! It's a yeti!

I like spaghetti.

You know, the thing about it is,
y'all frozen and stuff.

I can't wait for y'all to thaw out
and see which one melts in my mouth.

- [Groaning]
- Not me, Wally Gator.

I'm gonna call for help.

Oh, you know, I forgot to tell you.
[Growls]

I didn't pay my Sprint bill.

So you just gonna have to
weather the storm with me.

Who's first to ride on the...
[Barking]

You mean Bullwinkle on a -speed?

- Hey, man! Hey, hey!
- You too small for me.

I said, you too bony.
You too bony.

I need somebody
with some meat on 'em.

Well, you would love Todd.

I'll break this off in your...
Man, I'm gon'k*ll you.!

Todd, meet my friend, Wanda.
Wanda, this is Todd.

Man, I'm gon'...

Look, why don't you two go and get acquainted.
I'm gonna go chill in the back.

Y'all look good together.

Now, that is a couple...

[Screams]

Now it's Judy in the house!

Judy, have you met Richie?
Richie, this here is Judy. Get your...

Man, I think we found
the other half of that damn moose.

Y'all kinda wild.
But, Wanda, they both look busted.

Hey, girl. Oops!

What's wrong with you?
You know boogers can't be choosers.

And you can't be human!

Man, is that a wet squirrel?

Wanda, they don't like me.

Everyone always likes you better!

Oh, damn!
[Laughing]

But you got a nice smile.
Why don't you bust your caps.

- [Richie, Todd Scream]
- No, no, no.! I mean your teeth.!
Show 'em your teeth.!

Oh, my eyes.!
Lord, make them stop the burning.!

[Muttering Prayer]

This mountain air has got my lips
all dry and crusty.

Got my lips feelin' like a tub
of Rotisserie Gold. What about yours?

Mine are like Original Recipe.

[Screaming]

Richie, man,
I am outta here, man!

What are you talking about, man?

You can't get outta here, man!
Ain't no place to go! You will die out there!

You ain't seen what they look like, man?

We gon' die like men.
Like men!

You guys ever had a butt hickey?

[Screaming]

Now, I told you, I got you.
And we gon' rock your world.

And I'm gonna crush your bony butt
into some fine powder.

Mmm!
[Blabbering]

Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!

Now, man,
we are civilized adults here!

Yes, that's correct, man.

Both of you babes are so much
like gargoyles... I mean, so gorgeous!

We need to get
some hot buttered rum.

Yeah, and two Doberman...
I mean, some champagne...

and, like, some muscles...
I mean, mugs.

[Wanda]
Yeah, Cold Duck.

- I tell you what. We'll be right back!
- Yeah.

Hey, thanks for watching.
Tune in next week. What's up, Brooklyn?

Missy and Chris!
How ya doing? Peace out!

♪♪ [Theme]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Ends]