05x19 - February 24, 1994

[bunniefuu]

- [Laughing]
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

- ♪ Take it from me, it's a'ight to be ♪
- Hi-yah!

♪ In living color♪

♪ And how would ya...
How would ya... How would ya f... ♪

♪ How would you feel knowing
prejudice was obsolete ♪

♪ And all mankind danced
to the exact b*at ♪

[Echoing] ♪ And at night it was safe
to walk down the street ♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- [Turntable Scratching]
- ♪ In living color♪♪

[Laughing]

All right, Mr. Harris. Are you ready
to make your opening statement?

Yes, I am, Your Honor.

My client has filed a paternity suit to obtain
child support from the father of the child.

And where is the alleged
father of the child?

I wish I could tell you that,
Your Honor, but...

Your Honor, this is the defendant,
Carl "The Tooth" Williams.

Mr. Williams,
is this your attorney?

No, he just hangin'.

- Then are you handling yourself?
- Not right now.

It's kind of hard to get to it,
you know, with the gloves.

Mr. Williams, what I want to know is,
will you be acting as your own lawyer?

Well, as the famous scholar
Leon Spinks has said...

"Any boxer who represents himself
has a fool for a client."

- So you will be representing yourself.
- Basically.

Your Honor, I'd like to call
Carl "The Tooth" Williams to the stand...

withoutJabba the Hut.

Uh, please.

Raise your right hand.

- Uh...
- Mr. Williams!

Please raise your right hand!

Oh. It's great. It's great.

Your other right.

S... Skip it.

You promise to tell the truth, the whole truth
and nothing but the truth, so help you, God?

It's all good.

Your Honor, I will prove that this man
was intimate with my client...

the night of May the eighth...

at the Snooty Fox Motel on Crenshaw.

Ah, see, that's a lie 'cause, see,
the Snooty Fox is on Western.

No, actually, it's on Vermont.
Please continue.

- I thought I saw...
- Continue.

Uh, Mr. Williams, my client
was the card girl at your bout...

against Razor Ruddock.

- Do you recognize her?
- Uh, look, man.

Sometime within that whole round,
I was knocked into a coma...

so, you know, I don't really... you know.

And when did you come out of that coma?
[Snickers]

Uh, very soon, hopefully.

Okay!

If it pleases the court,
I'd like to show you Exhibit "A."

"A" is for Apple, "J" is forJack.

Cinnamon-toasted AppleJacks.

Order! Get to the point, please.

- You need a good breakfast, and that where it's at.
- Mr. Harris.

All right. It started off
with AppleJacks.

All right, now, look.

This bra was found on the floor
in your hotel room.

- Explain that to us. Can you do that?
- Well, after...

- Explain it, man!
- Hey, brother. It's all good.

Well, basically, see, what had happened
was is that we ran out of coffee filters...

and I said, " Hey, look. What you doing
with that around your chest, Miriam?"

So we used that.

And then I had told her
that my nipples had dilated.

And I needed, uh...

I needed... I needed...

I needed some circumference.

I want the truth!

You can't handle The Tooth!

You weep for Santiago because
he had no code, he had no honor.

Now, can I go now?

Mr. Harris, get on track, please.

If it pleases the court,
I'd like to re-create...

the events of that evening.

If it please me, I would like
for you to "coliferate"...

the same, uh, "crustination."

Will the plaintiff please
approach the bench, please?

Come on. You're all right.

Like, it's all right.

It's the night of May the eighth, .

Damn! I'm still writing checks
and puttin' on 'em.

I knew they were sending
the checks back for some...

The two of you check in
to the Snooty Fox Motel.

- Anyway, Urkel.
- You went into the...

Your Honor, I will admit
that Urkel is about my age now.

You went into the Snooty Fox
under the name Carl "The Tooth" Williams.

As you had mentioned, that is ridiculous!
Why would I make up a name like that?

Sir, that is your real name.

In this country.

Besides the fact that you look like you've
been chewing on black jelly beans...

what happened next?

I'll tell you what happened.

He took me up to my room,
and everything happened so quickly.

I mean, the whole thing
lasted maybe two minutes.

I went down for a quick count!

After the fight is what the hell
we're talkin' about here.

- Is that what we talkin' about?
- That's what we talkin'about.

- Well, step on.
- At the hotel!

Well, after the fight, you know,
she was coming at me pretty hard.

She was hittin' below the belt.

But I stuck with my "scragedy."
I was stickin' and movin', stickin' and movin'!

Yeah!

So, from what I can tell...

he is admitting that he
had relations with my client.

No. We just had sex.

Your Honor, I rest my case.

Anybody in their right mind
can see that this child...

was fathered by The Tooth.

[Crying]

Oh, no. See, this can't be my child
'cause his Jheri curl ain't wetted down.

It's all dried up. He ain't got no teeth
in his head. What's going on?

- Hey!
- Come on, Tooth!

I think he got me with a sucker punch, man.
I need a rematch.

This is ridiculous! Come on!

[Both Arguing]

[Announcer]
From the makers of Philadelphia...

the story of one man's struggle
to stay out of the closet...

San Francisco.

Mr. Beckett, we used to consider you
a top-flight attorney at this firm.

We'd give you a job,
and you'd get right on it.

- But lately you've been careless and sloppy.
- What are you talking about?

You misplaced the files
for the Liberace estate!

Last night you claimed that you were
with a client, and we got photos of you.

You care to explain that?

That's my friend Frank!
He looks great in a dress.

Oh, really? Maybe you'd like to explain
that little white mark there on your finger!

That's where I wear my college ring.

Isn't that the traditional
wedding ring finger of a breeder?

- Breeder?
- Breeder.

Breeder, breeder.
Breeder, breeder, breeder!

- Sing us the first-act finale from Phantom.!
- ♪♪ [Note]

- I can't remember!
- Of course you can't remember
'cause you never saw it!

How many heterosexuals does it take
to screw in a lightbulb?

- That's not funny!
- I told you he was straight!

[Moans]

Mr. Beckett, your services
are no longer required!

- Are you saying I'm fired?
- Bitch, did I stutter?

I need an attorney. I've been fired by my
law firm... Nelson, Tenderloin and Sugarstein.

I need someone who can think like them,
get inside their heads, play their games.

Someone like you, RuPaul.

- Am I that obvious?
- Well, yeah, kind of.

Well, you're cute.
I'll take your case.

Thank you.

Listen, what was the real reason
why you think you got fired?

- Well, they found out I was straight.
- [Screaming]

[Screaming]

[Announcer] Tom Hanks and RuPaul
starring in San Francisco...

coming out to a theater near you.

♪♪ [Hip-hop]

♪♪ [Ends]

[Announcer]
This... is...

The Dirty Dozens
Tournament of Champions!

Now entering our studio...

a five-time champion
from uptown New York...

T- Dog Jenkins.!

Another five-time champion
from Houston's Fifth Ward...

Amfeny Clark.

And last year's Dirty Dozens
Tournament champion...

from Compton, California,
Damian "Foosball"Franklin.!

[Man]
Foosball rules.!

And now the host
of Dirty Dozens, Stu Dunfey.!

Thank you so much.

Hello, and welcome to The Dirty Dozens
Tournament of Champions.

- What's up, Stu?
- T-Dog in the house. How are you, my friend?

- I just seens you last week.
- We see you here every week. How's your mom?

- She doing fine.
- How's the colitis?

- He all right.
- All righty.

We are present at the Dirty Dozens game board,
where talkin' trash can get you cash...

and you might be the champ
if your mama's a tramp.

Now, let's look at our categories.

- "Your Mama's So Bald," "Your Mama's So Fat"...
- [Bell Dinging]

"Mama's So Stupid"
and "A merican Authors".

T-Dog, you won the coin toss.
Start us off.

I think I will take
"Your Mama's So Stupid" for .

Let's have a look.
"Your Mama's So Stupid."

- [Beeps]
- Amfeny.

Your mama's so stupid,
she tripped over a cordless phone.

[Bell Dings]

And you're on the board.
Pick again.

How about "Mama's So Fat"
for a hundred, Stu?

Classic category.
"Your Mama's So Fat." T-Dog?

Your mama's so fat, she look
like she's smugglin' Volkswagons.

[Bell Dings]

Mama's a big old greasy ho!

All righty, T-Dog, need a category.

I think I will go with "American Authors"
for , Stuness.

New category. Born in , Nathaniel
Hawthorne wrote such classic fiction...

as The Scarlet Letter
and The House of the Seven Gables.

For $ ,
how stank was his mama? Foosball.

Nathaniel Hawthorne's mother
was so stank, she sweated Black Flag.

- [Bell Dings]
- Correct!

All even at a C-spot!
Foosball, pick a square!

I'll take "Your Mother's So Fat"
for , Stu.

"Your Mama's So Fat." T-Dog.!

Your mama's so fat,
she wakes up in sections.

- [Bell Dings]
- The Underground don't stop for ho's.

Let's go with
"Your Mama's So Bald" then.

For ,
"Your Mama's So Bald."Foosball.!

Your mother's so bald,
she blow-dry hair like that.

- [Exhaling]
- [Bell Dings]

Yes! Foosball, pick a category!

Uh, I'll take "American Authors"
for , Stu.

All righty.
Listen carefully, Foosball.

Author and humorist Samuel Clemens
wrote the classic Tom Sawyer...

under his better-known pseudonym.

What was that pseudonym,
and how big was his mama's butt?

- Amfeny.
- Yeah.

Mark Twain,
and his mama's butt was so big...

if you put your ear up to it,
you can hear the ocean.

- [Bell Dings]
- And you have control of the board.

I'll take "Mama's So Fat" for , Stu!

T- Dog.! Break 'em off somethin'.

You too much, man.

Your mama's so fat,
she got stretch marks on her clothes.

- [Bell Dings]
- Yes.!

- Pick another.!
- [Bell Dinging Repeatedly]

Oh! And that's the end
of the first round.

Let's reveal the final squares
of tonight's mystery dis.

Gentlemen, peep this!

Foosball.

Your mother's so fat, the back of her neck
look like a pack of hot dogs.

- [Bell Dings]
- Yes, for .!

Foosball, you and T-Dog are tied.

Amfeny, we'll say good-bye to you.

It's time for " Your Mama's Wheel
of Sudden Death."

It's time for " Your Mama's Wheel
of Sudden Death."

You know the rules.
I spin the wheel.

Whatever body part it lands on, that's where
you have to direct your dis. T-Dog!

"Teeth."

Your mama so toothless,
it takes her a hour to eat Minute Rice.

- [Bell Dings]
- Foosball, your turn!

"Eyes."

Your mama's so blind, she got eyes
on her butt and still can't see squat.

- [Buzzer Sounds]
- No! I'm sorry, Foosball.

You used the word "eyes,"
but technically that's a butt dis.

And that makes T-Dog our winner!

Congratulations, T-Dog.
You've certainly come a long way.

Now, you can stop here
and take home your winnings...

or face the final test and become
a true Dirty Dozens Grand Master.

Are you willing to risk it all,
double or nothing, and go for greatness?

[Crowd Cheering]

- I think I'll go it.
- He'll go for it! All right!

That means you'll be facing off with the all-time
Dirty Dozens Hall of Fame Champion...

Ed O'Neill!

Down!

Who is this loser?

Oh, you tryin' to step to me, huh?

Hey, I have a girl who does that for me.

Yeah, come on,
Christy Love. Whoa!

Back off, Nitro!
T-Dog, chill! U-N-l-T-Y.

Loved you in Coffee.

Shes a rough chick.

You'll have to settle your differences
on the field of Dozens.

T-Dog, you've got seconds to dis
our champion's mama so badly...

he gets his butt out
of the Royal BarcaLounger chair.

This is for the championship.
Sixty seconds on the clock.

Ready? Begin.

Your mama's so fat, she got a job
at Magic Mountain pushin' the Buccaneer.

[Bell Dings]

- Your mama's so fat, after sex she smokes turkeys.
- [Bell Dings]

She's so fat, after making love to her...

I roll over twice and I'm still on her.

[Bell Dings]

Your mama's so stupid, she was fillin' out
a job application that said "sign here"...

- and she put "Sagittarius."
- [Bell Dings]

Well, your mama's so ugly,
Ted Danson wouldn't date her.

[Bell Dings]

Your mama's so fat,
she plays hopscotch like this...

L.A., Chicago, Detroit, hop.

[Bell Dings]

Your mama is so stupid...

she gave your uncle...
[Bleep]

'Cause he said it would
help his unemployment.

[Bell Dings]

Yeah? Your mama's glasses so thick...

when she looks at a map,
she can see people waving!

[Bell Dings]

And your mama's nose is so big,
you can go bowling with her boogers.

[Bell Dings]

And your mama's so fat, before
God said, "Let there be light"...

he told her,
"Move your big butt out of the way!"

- [Bell Dings]
- I'm gonna k*ll you for that one, man.

- [Bell Dinging Repeatedly]
- Ladies and gentlemen,
the champion maintains his throne!

Congratulations!

Ladies, send him home to
his big, fat, stinkin' mama.

We don't love them ho's.

That's all the time
we have for tonight.

Join us next time
on The Dirty Dozens.!

You know, a lot of times
we like to do these closings...

and do jokes and be crazy, man.

I just want to say, I love you guys.
Thanks for supportin' me.

I love each and every one of you.
Good night!

♪♪ [Theme]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Ends]