05x22 - April 7, 1994

[bunniefuu]

- [Laughing]
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

- ♪ Take it from me, it's a'ight to be ♪
- Hi-yah!

♪ In living color♪

♪ And how would ya...
How would ya... How would ya f... ♪

♪ How would you feel knowing
prejudice was obsolete ♪

♪ And all mankind danced
to the exact b*at ♪

[Echoing] ♪ And at night it was safe
to walk down the street ♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- [Turntable Scratching]
- ♪ In living color♪♪

[Laughing]

♪♪ [Carnival]

Hurry up, Uncle Pete.

Okay, here we are, boy.
Here we are.

Don't it look nice?

- Yeah, well, let's ride some rides.
- Rides?

You ain't sayin' nothin'
about getting on no rides.

You said you wanted to
go to the carnival and here we are.

Well, you ain't ridin' a damn thing.
Now look at it. Now let's go.

I want to ride the carnival rides.

Okay, you can get on
the carnival rides.

Come on, let's go over
to the ticket man.

Welcome to Two Flags Over Compton.

Okay, how you doin', Mr. Two Flags?

Uh, uh, let me just
ask you a question.

- How much it cost to get on the roller coaster?
- That's about four bucks.

Four bucks to get on a roller coaster?
Good Lord! That's a lot of money.

How about I give you cents
and you let me scream in your ear?

- I don't think so.
- Okay, okay, okay.

How much... Let me ask you something...
How much... Let me ask you something...

How much would it cost
to get on the bumper cars?

- Three dollars, $ . , $ . .
- $ ...

- Now how much it cost if I don't bump nobody?
- Still $ . .

Good Lord! That's a lot of money.

How about a give you cents
and you let me crash my Pinto into you?

Okay, okay, okay. How much it cost
to get in the haunted house?

- That's about $ . .
- I'm scared of $ . .

Six dollars? Okay, how about I give you
cents and you just scream "boo"?

Boy, I wish you'd just leave.
Get the hell out of here.

Uncle Pete, I'd rather
ride the Ferris wheel.

Okay, okay. Hold your horses, boy.
All right? All right?

- Uh, how much it cost to get on the Ferris wheel?
- That's about $ . .

Two dollars? Good Lord!

How about I give you cents
and you let us spin around till we vomit?

Boy, if you don't get out of here...

Cotton! Cotton candy!
Peanuts!

Uncle Pete, I want some cotton candy.

Okay, okay.
You'll get some cotton candy.

- How much for the cotton candy?
- Cotton candy, $ . .

One dollar for cotton candy?
Good Lord! That's a lot of money.

Now why should I pay that
much money for a sugar-coated Afro?

I want some roasted peanuts.

Boy, you want everything.
How much it cost for some roasted peanuts?

- One buck, .
- A buck, ? How much it cost for unroasted?

- A buck, .
- Now how they gonna quote
the same amount of money...

when one don't got no roast on it?

Uncle Pete, can I please have a balloon?

Okay, you can please have a balloon.

How much... Let me ask you a question.
Let me ask you, how much it cost for a balloon?

- Two dollars.
- Two dollars?

Now why should I spend $ .
on something I already have?

- Boy, here's your balloon. Now blow it up.
- Hey...

Uncle Pete, what does "condom" mean?

Condom means give it back
when you're done.

Hey, I didn't know Luther Campbell
was in town. All right.

Look at all those games!
I want to do the sh**ting gallery.

- Good Lord!
- And the ring toss.

- Good Lord!
- And the dart throwing.

Good Lord! Don't you like tag?
Tag, you're it.

No, I'm not.
I want to have fun.

Okay, I'll show you some fun.
Come on. Let's go see the freak show.

Step right up! Step right up!
See the bearded lady!

See Coco, the human bowel!
See Lulu, the -pound woman!

- Hey, excuse me. How much
it cost to see the fat lady?
- Uh, $ . .

Two dollars for a fat lady?
Oprah come on every day for free.

Okay. How about I give you cents
and you show me a rerun of Thea?

This is boring.
I'm gonna ride on the Ferris Wheel.

Where you goin', boy?
You better get... You better get...

Now, where you get
some money from?

- Mama gave me $ .
- Ten dollars? Good Lord! That's a lot of money.

Why don't you lend your Uncle Pete
$ . so I can get some popcorn?

Two dollars?
Good Lord! That's a lot of money.

How about I give cent
and you go get some cream corn?

Hi. I'm Loomis Simmons.

Ladies, are you stuck
in a dead-end job?

Do you put in hours and hours
for a minimum wage...

while the executives get rich
from your blood, sweat and tears?

I hope so. 'Cause I can
help you achieve your dreams...

and all you have to do is...

The plan is simple.
You get me a job at your company.

Then let Loomis do the rest.

I'll pinch your "bootais-maximus..."

I'll whisper sweet nasties all up
and through your earlobes.

I even expose myself.
But don't worry. It's no bother.

Then you file a sexual harassment lawsuit
against the company...

and give Loomis half the money.

It's just that simple.
Observe, won't you?

- Mail call for Miss Hooters.
- Thanks, Loomis.

Oh, how clumsy of me.

Would you mind bending over
to, uh, pick those up?

Okay, Loomis.

Oh, my, my!
Look, the peaks of Mount "Bootey."

Hey, you sexually harassed me.
I'm going to sue this company.

Of course,
that was just a sample.

In reality, this would go on
for days and days.

But don't take Loomis's word for it.

Listen to some of my satisfied customers.

Loomis grabbed my ample breasts...

and we split $ , .

Thanks, Loomis.

Loomis climbed on me
at the water cooler...

and rode me through personnel
and we split $ , .

Thanks, Loomis.
Yee-haw! Ride 'em, cowboy!

What you waitin' for, girls? Hurry and call
now, 'cause I haven't had any in weeks.

And if you order now,
you will get this.

A photocopy of Loomis behind.

So pick up the phone and dial:

Call now.
Loomis is standing by.

It's time to make a positive
change in your life. So...

Hey, kids.
It's time to have some fun.

First, I'm gonna teach you how to
asss... semble your w*apon.

- ♪♪ [High Notes]
- What's that kids? You say
that we did that yesterday?

You're damn freakin' right
we did it yesterday!

We're gonna do it every freakin' day
until you freakin' get it right!

Do you freakin' read me, maggots?

- ♪♪ [High Notes]
- I said do you freakin' read freakin' me?

♪♪ [Bass Notes]

- That's more like it.
- ♪♪ [Piano]

♪♪ [Singing]

♪♪ [Ends]

Or you'll wind up choking
on your freakin' blood in the jungle...

while Charlie parades around with
your buddy's head on a freakin' stick!

[Doorbell Rings]

Oh, I wonder who that could be.

- ♪♪ [High Notes]
- Let's just check it out.

Fire in the freakin' hole!

- [Man Groaning]
- [Door Opens]

- Hey, kids!
- [Door Closes]

That sounds like the tortured screams
of my old foxhole buddy, Al Klanski.

Hey, Al, sorry about the friendly fire.

What's the matter with you,
you freakin' freak?

You're lucky I was wearing
the freakin' flak jacket, Larry.

Yeah, well, you're lucky old Rosie here
wasn't full ofTeflon tips.

Otherwise, blamo!
Call the bugler.

[Both Laughing]

So, Al, what's the, uh,
rainy-day fun project for today?

Today, Larry, we're gonna make
a Bouncing Betty anti-personnel mine.

Outstanding. Let's hump it over
to the arts and crafts area.

- Shall we?
- ♪♪ [Piano]

- ♪♪ [Ends]
- We learned that in the jungle.

Now, Larry, this is real simple.

All youse kids need is
a couple of Popsicle sticks, rubber bands...

- That's all you need.
- Some glue...

- Yep.
- And a mine.

Yeah, but remember, kids,
glue can be freakin' dangerous.

So cr*ck a freakin' window.
Now...

- [Helicopters Approaching]
- ♪♪ [Classical]

Hey, do you hear that?

- [g*nf*re]
- I could swear I hear choppers, man.

- I don't hear nothin', Larry.
- Oh, that's because you got help.

But it's time for the rest of us
to go to Flashback Land.

You sure you don't want to come?

No way, man.
I got a bad feelin' about this one, Larry.

Ahh. Ahh.

Hey, you guys. How would you like
a good old American chocolate bar?

Thank you for chocolate bar.

We have something for you too.

You die, Yankee pig!
Now die now!

Sarge! Speak to me, Sarge!
Speak to me!

- Sarge, speak to me.
- Larry, come back. You're freakin'out, Larry.

Never... Never get off the boat!
Never get off the freakin' boat, man!

[Panting]

You know, Al, you were right.
It was a bad one.

Hey, kids, how does it feel
to go to hell and back?

- ♪♪ [High Notes]
- Oh, come on. School's not that bad.

Hey, come on, Larry.
It's time for us to get to work.

The mail don't deliver itself,
you know.

[Both Laughing]

I'm buyin'.
[Laughs]

Well, see you kids
again tomorrow.

Until then, just be glad
you weren't born in the early ' s.

♪♪ [Piano]

♪♪ [Singing]

♪♪ [Ends]

Somebody make it stop!

As you were, kids.

[Announcer] Live from the inner city...

it's the East Hollywood Squares.

With Michael Dorn...

Minister Louis Farrakhan...

the Cream of Wheat Guy...

hot young directors,
the Green Triplets...

Jaleel White,
Joe and La Toya Jackson...

Joycelyn Elders,
Rupaul and Stedman.

And now the host of
the East Hollywood Squares...

Peter Marshall.

Thank you, Kenny. Welcome to
the East Hollywood Squares. Hello, stars.

Nice to see each
and every one of you.

I'd like you to meet our players.
First, Michelle Lassman.

Michelle, welcome to our show.
What do you do, dear, for a living?

Oh, l-I administer enemas
to constipated pets, Peter.

- Oh, that's nice. Good for you
and continued success.
- Thank you.

Yes. Uh, this gentleman
is Allan Stevenson.

- Allan, welcome to the show.
What do you do, sir?
- What?

Oh, uh, my name's Allan Stevenson...

and I am a test volunteer
for prescription dr*gs in laboratories.

Thank you.
And welcome to our show.

Yes, now, Allan, uh, you won the...

Allan, y-you won the toss backstage, sir,
so I want you to pick a star.

I would like to begin by taking Rupaul.

Oh, take me, Allan.
Take me.

- Now, Rupaul...
- [Rupaul Indistinct]

Uh, Rupaul, here's the question.

In the movie The Crying Game...

what is the surprise
in The Crying Game.

Surprise, Allan.
Is this a trick question?

There was no surprise in that film.

L-l-I, uh, I disagree.

Good. That's right. The surprise
was that the female lead Dil...

turned out to be a man
and "X" gets the square.

Oh, wait. Allan, I knew all along
that Dil had a pickle.

- Michelle, quickly, pick a star.
- I'll take that cute little Urkel kid, please, Peter.

Jaleel White.
Yes, TV's, uh, Urkel. Jaleel.

[Audience Cheering]

Uh, if you don't mind my sayin' it,
Jaleel, you... you don't look so well.

Well, you know,
I'm going through a messy divorce, Peter.

Never marry a broad
you met at a strip club.

I see. Well, thank you
for that advice.

Now here's your question.
How old are you?

[Giggling]
I'm .

- Oh, I disagree.
- [Peter] That's good.

'CauseJaleel is actually,
on St. Swithin's Day, will be .

Of course I'm not .
If you believe that, baby...

I've got a time-share at Florence and Normandy
you might be interested in.

Well, thank you very much.
Circle gets the square. Allan, back to you, sir.

- Uh, geez! There's a lot of geese in here.
- Yeah.

- I will take Louis Farrakhan, please.
- Certainly. Welcome, Minister.

- Mr. Peter Marshall.
- [Audience Cheering, Applauding]

Oh, no. I don't need your claps.
I don't need your claps.

Mr. Peter Marshall,
you can save your breath.

Give me an "X," an "X" right now,
and I will wear it proudly.

Well, Minister, we have to
ask you a question first, sir.

I will not have this. I will not stand for
an "O" to be on this proud black square.

See, because the "O" equals zero, see.

It is null and it is void.

Well, listen, pal, I'm not gonna argue
with that. "X" gets the square.

Lucky break for you.
Could have been a bad break for me.

- A-Assalamu Alaikum.
- All right. Michelle...

[Farrakhan]
I'll bust your ass, boy.! I will bust his ass.!

Uh, thank you very much.
Let's move along here.

- Michelle, pick a star, please.
- I'll take Michael Dorn for the win.

From TV's Star Trek, ladies and gentlemen,
The Next Generation.

- Uh, Michael.
- [Audience Cheering]

Nice to see you, Michael.
And I see you're still in your make-up.

What make up do you speak of,
White Human?

Never mind.
Here's your question, Michael.

The Enterprise leaves Rigel
at the speed of warp five.

The Klingon Destroyer Trog
leaves Antares at the speed of warp six.

Now which craft will
reach Deep Space first?

Hmm. I will say the Enterprise.

- The Enterprise. Michelle?
- I disagree.

Correct.
Circle gets the square and the game.

I have been dishonored
and to a Klingon honor is all.

The only honorable
solution... is death.

- [Whirs]
- Ohh!

Well, that does it for this session
of the East Hollywood Squares.

Thank you, stars.
Thank you, players.

See you here next time for more fun
on the East Hollywood Squares.

[Peter] I said clean that up.
Will somebody clean that up?

Hey, yo. Jive Records recording artist,
Souls of Mischief, singing " 'Til Infinity."

Oakland all up in the house.

- ♪♪ [Hip-hop]
- Yo, what's up, y'all?
Souls of Mischief in the house.

Tajai, A-Plus, Phesto, Opio.
Brothers from the east side "O."

That's Oakland, California, baby.

We not no mad, murderous maniacal type,
brothers. We just be chillin'.

So, Opio, why don't you
tell me who you're callin'.

♪♪ [Rapping]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Ends]