01x12 - Da Club

[bunniefuu]

Next case, The City of New York
vs. Captain James T. Kush.

He was arrested for growing
and selling marijuana

- on his charter boat.
- Hold on.

Yes, this is the least
surprised I've ever been.

Your Honor, my client
runs a respectable business

beloved by college students, Deadheads,

and Woody Harrelson.

Plus, Your Excellency,
I was in international waters.

My only judge should be the sea.

Um, you were in the East River.

That's not international or water.

Still, though, felony drug trafficking

seems a little steep.

Uh, Counselor, do you know why
the DA's office went so harsh?

Hmm? Oh, absolutely,

I am listening.

The court chooses to let
the defendant off with a fine

and a stern "don't ye be growin'
any more cannabis

on yer vessel, argh."

Okay, dude, a piece of advice...

Cheetos are not a deodorant.

Olivia, you feeling okay?

I mean, I know
you don't like being here,

but tonight it actually shows.

It's hard to care
about these other cases

when Eli Bettencourt is over there.

Wait, Eli Bettencourt? Is here? Tonight?

Who is that?

He's the one with the nurse.

He's one of the city's
biggest political power brokers.

And luckily for me, he was assaulted

on his way home from dinner.

If I win, I'll gain
his undying gratitude

and be on my way to becoming
the first classically hot

Supreme Court Justice.

Well, u... unless you count Earl Warren.

Ooh, he was a smoke show.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
destiny awaits.

Your Honor, District Attorney
Jeff Dewitt,

representing New York City

and my dear friend Eli Bettencourt.

I'll take it from here, Alicia.

Well, stay positive.

Maybe the victim in your next
case is also a power broker.

Or maybe that giant snake
will swallow you whole.

You just never know.

That's Night Court, baby. [LAUGHS]

[♪]

[♪]

Well, if it isn't Dan Fielding.

So the rumors are true.

- You're a public defender now?
- Jeff Dewitt.

I heard you drowned
on the Lehman Brothers boat.

You wish. They do women
and children last.

- You two friends?
- Former colleagues.

Jeff and I go way back.

I used to give him advice
on how to dress.

Obviously he's forgotten all of it.

I'm actually glad you're here,
Mr. District Attorney.

I've noticed some trends
coming out of your office

that I'd really like
to talk to you about.

Too much justice? Up top, boom!

No, of course, the DA's office
takes the concerns

of a jurist like yourself
very seriously.

Let's... Let's get a meeting
on the books.

Oh, I've never had a meeting
on the books.

I've had a meeting about books.

Back home when they tried to ban
"Cat in the Hat"

for being pro-mischief.

Care to bet on the outcome
like in the old days, Dan?

Sadly I'm no longer a gambling man.

So say ?

Easy money. She looks like a pushover.

Ah, sweet Jeff, you're going
to wish you d*ed at sea.

Next up, The People vs. Gil Crandall.

My office is charging as*ault
and robbery in the first degree.

See, this is exactly

the kind of excessive charge
I'm talking about.

The fact is Mr. Bettencourt was att*cked

for his to-go container
of hard-earned oysters.

Gil here stole food out of this
great man's beautiful mouth.

Well, according to
the doorman's statement...

Ooh, I wonder whose side
the doorman is going to be on.

The two men bumped into each other

and Mr. Bettencourt threw
his doggie bag at the defendant,

yelling, "Suck on that, Poor-o."

By the way, I'm a cashless business now.

I have something called Venmo.

[♪]

What's all this?

Ah, I have a meeting tomorrow
afternoon with Jeff Dewitt

at something called
the Manhattan Heritage Club.

Heritage Club? That's old New York.

You know, it was founded in
as a place to be able

to gossip behind
Alexander Hamilton's back.

Well, it sounds like the
perfect place to convince Jeff

that his office's focus
on conviction rates

is ruining lives and not
making the city any safer.

And you're going to say
all those words to him?

Of course not.

I also have my iPad loaded up
with pie charts.

Ooh, do you think
I should call it a pie pad?

Thank God I'm here.

You know, if you tell him what
you want, you will never get it.

You need Dan Fielding's
three-pronged approach

to backroom dealing.

Alright, you start with
a few good-natured insults,

Follow it up with a couple
of backhanded compliments, huh?

And by that time, he's going
to be three scotches deep

and he will tell you
what he really wants

and then you're in the driver's seat.

Metaphorically speaking.

If you're actually in a car,

it's a whole different set of prongs.

Dan, I appreciate the advice,
but I'm all good.

This isn't some backroom deal.

In fact, when I meet with Jeff,

I'm going to ask for
the front-iest room they've got.

He's going to eat you alive.

Beef jerky?

Why are you eating shame food
out in the open?

Eli was supposed to be
my Golden Ticket out of here.

And then Jeff Dewitt showed up
like a fat German kid

and snatched my Golden Ticket away.

Hey, it's still a win,
as long as you're not

one of those four weird grandparents

sleeping head to toe in the living room.

Well, at least you don't have
to waste your Saturday

at Jeff's dumb old club like Abby.

Abby got invited to
the Manhattan Heritage Club?

The premier club for
legal elites in New York City?

The club that I have dreamed
of joining ever since I realized

the pure joy of excluding people?

If I got there, I wouldn't
have to wait for some Eli

to get punched in the face.

That club is crawling with rich,
punchable old men.

Crawling? Is that what rich
people do when we're not around?

Do you get so much money they're
like, "I'm a baby again"?

That place is wasted on Abby.
She doesn't want to use

social interaction
to advance her career.

She just wants to be friends
with people, like a psycho,

and unironically use terms
like... Lady date!

I just never get tired
of calling it that.

I am so glad we're finally doing this.

Even if the only time you had available

was when I had to be at this club.

Uh-huh, yeah, definitely here
just for you.

You could help me
talk that DA talk with Jeff

and then we can scoot off
to Color Me Mine.

Color me excited.

It's everything I ever dreamed.

There's the state's attorney.

Oh, and the governor's chief of staff.

And that sugar daddy husband
from "Real Housewives"

- whose name I always forget.
- Oh, it's Bradman.

He got his neck done, but...
but that's not important.

No, if we can get Jeff pumped
about evidence-based

prosecution reform,
I really feel like... Olivia?

Oh, you got this, girl.

Oh! Is that a state comptroller I see?

Judge Stone, welcome.

What do you think of our little club?

Ah, it's fancy.
I'll try to resist the urge

to pull on all the books,
looking for a secret room.

Please do.

Oh, and you'll never guess
who I ran into.

Judge Stone. As I live and breathe.

Which makes me the
healthiest person in this room.

Dan, if I didn't know better,

I would think you were
checking up on me.

Not at all. I've been a member
of this club since the 's.

And I am currently up to date
on my dues,

despite what is clearly
a clerical error!

Well, strap in, Jeff.

I am about to take you
on an epic journey

to a safer New York.

My iPad will be
our magic carpet as we...

Oh, it seems that someone

snatched our magic carpet on the subway.

You think someone made off
with your iPad?

Jeff, "made off," too soon? [MADOFF]

Gentle ribbing.

Prong one. Ch... Check.

[♪]

Sorry to drag you down here
on your weekend, Gurgs.

Well, make it quick. Saturdays
are when I work on my novel.

I just got to the twist.

They were on a submarine the whole time!

- Whoa!
- And there's a character based on you.

- What?
- But he dies like right away.

Or does he?

He does! [LAUGHS]

So, what's Abby got you doing?

She wanted me to pick up
copies of her research

to take to some snooty club.

If they'll even let me in.

Alright, Neil,

I'm tired of watching you
mope around about Abby.

She's your boss and she's engaged.

It's not going to happen.

But if you want to stand
a chance with any woman,

you know what you need to do?

Hope your book gets big
and people recognize me

as the cool guy
that dies in the beginning?

I didn't say cool.

You need to build up some confidence.

Change your clothes, Neil.

We're going clubbing.

- Can I still wear comfy shoes?
- No, you may not.

Okay, my presentation materials

are running a little bit late,

but I think we should just dive in.

My first slide was a word cloud

- which I will now describe from memory.
- [CELLPHONE RINGTONE PLAYING]

Oh, sorry, I got to take this.

Hold on!

It's my investment guy.

If I don't answer, he goes rogue.

Last time, he went all in on
Theranos after the documentary.

- What?!
- Hurry back. I'll get us some steaks,

- a couple scotches.
- Oh, I can't.

I'm seeing a nurse. She's got me
down to two steaks a day.

Dan, what are you doing?
I told you I got this.

Yes, I know. No, I'm just helping.

Look, these guys are trickier
than the cow tippers

and Jet-Ski hooligans
you dealt with upstate.

We have some tough customers back home.

Biff Cratchit, Wink Honeycrisp,
Colonel Ciderman.

Okay, fine, fine, fine,
I don't need a rundown

of the corn crime all-stars.

I've known this guy for years

and you're not going to get
any traction with him

until you figure out
what it is he wants from you.

I don't know. I think
I could sell him on this.

People can change. You changed.

Yeah, but I'm incredible.

Well, we're sticking with coal!

Jeff, I think word clouds
can be a little abstract.

Let's get concrete.

Your policies affect real people.

You know what, though, Abby,
I think, you know,

maybe our friend would rather talk

about how you could fast-track his cases

or go easy on his buddies,
huh, huh, huh?

Get him a restraining order
against all children.

Are you winking at any of these, Jeff?

Actually, I'm not into
horse trading anymore.

Unless you have an actual
horse you... you want to trade.

I have got one I am dying to get rid of.

So, no meat, no horse trading.

You've changed.

That's interesting.

Dan, should we get something to eat?

I hear the crow here is excellent.

It is. They call it field squab
and it is to die for.

Field squab!

[♪]

I can't believe you wore that.

You look like an off-Strip
blackjack dealer.

Uh, I saw a guy dressed
like this in the Olympics.

Granted, he was wearing ice skates.

I don't know, Gurgs. Let's just
leave the folder and go.

No. You need this and you belong here.

Remember what Tony Robbins says.

"Get out of my seminar, Neil,
you're bumming us out"?

Exactly, and we're going
to prove him wrong.

Just follow me.

The finest of afternoons.

We're here to see... Arthur!

Arthur, is that you, old boy?

They told me you was there.

I belong here.

Of course you do.

Spa waters, table three.

And put on a tie.

No one wants to see your neck.

I... I just think I could
really thrive in this club.

All I need is someone
to sponsor my membership.

Sorry, miss, I already
gave my one sponsorship

to my youngest son here.

Well, I'll leave you to your mush.

I keep all my club clothes at work.

Trials end, I throw this on,
show up at a club,

and sometimes the deejay hasn't
even gotten to the drop yet.

Everyone's waiting around like,
mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm,

and then I show up and it's like
bwoooo, wah-wah-wah-wah!

[LAUGHS]
Olivia, what are you doing here?

What am I doing here?

I capitalized on a woman's
desperate need for friendship.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I was just teaching Neil
a lesson in confidence.

Neil's here?

What, they just let anyone in this dump?

And that's the amount of recidivism

reduced by this approach.

Now, here's the point
in the presentation

where I would've offered you
whipped cream

to go with your pie chart,
and you would've loved it.

Well, I got to tell you,
this has been eye-opening.

Excuse me. Oh, good,
someone found my iPad.

And all I need to do to get it back

is answer a series of riddles.

Excuse me.

So, Jeff, you're actually interested

in what Abby is saying?

Oh, I'm eating this up.

Usually I have to bribe a nanny

to figure out a target's weaknesses.

But she is handing me
all the material I need.

- Need to improve society?
- [LAUGHING]

No.

To improve my chances
of getting re-elected.

I've been looking for
a soft-on-crime judge

to be the face of everything
destroying New York City,

and she is the perfect scapegoat.

Third scotch, third prong, system works.

Abby, the third scotch worked.

He wants a scapegoat
for the next election

and it's going to be you.

So now we know what he wants.

We can use it against him.

I don't want any more prongs, Dan.

No, no, no, no, no,
we're done with prongs.

We're into phases.

Now, phase one has five prongs.

Dan, stop it. I want to change things

and I'm not going to do that
by playing the same games

you've all been playing
since the wall-deer had bodies.

I don't want you to get hurt.

Thank you, but I got this.

I want to do things my way.

I understand. Enjoy your Shirley Temple.

Sherlock Temple.

They don't have drinks
named after women.

That's why I haven't paid my dues.

You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

- Rough day?
- Yeah, it's been...

Neil, what is happening?

Why are you bartending?

Well, I came to bring you that folder,

which I'm realizing I never did.

They thought I was a waiter,
so I said, "This isn't my job,"

confidently, and they
promoted me to bartender.

It's actually very fulfilling work.

People want my attention.

They ask for my advice. It's nice.

So care to pour me a story?

Just things seemed so much
simpler upstate.

People here seem to have an agenda.

I've lived a lot of lives today.

And if there's one thing I've learned,

it's that people
are the same everywhere.

Some are just lousy tippers.

Wow, Neil, that's really profound.

- [LOUD JINGLING]
- That ice is really loud!

Oh, I don't know where the ice is.

I just put my keys in here
and I shake them up for show.

If someone wants a cocktail,
I just recommend a scotch.

[CHUCKLES] I tell them "it's peaty."

- Peaty.
- It means smoky.

Look, it's Scottish swamp juice.

I don't know why people like it.

Petey... That's it.

Jeff is a corn crime all-star.

And I know just the person
who can help me prove it.

Eh, not going to help you.

Can you just tell me if my
suspicions about Jeff are right?

Uh, no, because if they are true,

maybe I confront Jeff
and he gets me into this club.

Why do you want to be a part
of this club anyway?

You're better than this place.

You think I don't know that?

I hate this place
and everything it stands for.

The people are jerks,
it smells like gravy,

and eight different men came up to me

and asked me who my husband
told me to vote for.

If you want to get ahead,
this is where you have to be.

Blackmailing Jeff to get into
this club is not the dream.

You using your drive and intelligence

to rise to a position of power
where all the Jeffs

wants to blackmail you,
that's the real dream.

You really think
that could happen for me?

Stick with me and one day
people will be lining up

to ruin your life.

Alright, Jeff Dewitt, let's talk!

Damn it, why'd that
have to be a curtain?

I just feel like I just stormed
into a shower.

No, it worked. Keep going.

Let me tell you about a little
scandal that happened upstate.

You see, Biff Cratchit always
won the Squash Art

competition at the county fair,
but that's only because

Petey Gooster always gave him
his best squash every year.

But the year that Biff
finally lost was the year

that Petey found out that
Biff was sleeping with his wife.

After that, Biff never
won anything ever again.

Well, I like a carnival sex
yarn as much as the next man.

But what the hell does any
of that have to do with me?

You let it slip earlier
that you're dating a nurse.

And in court the other day,

I saw you making
a flirty face at Eli's nurse,

who I also learned is his wife.

And his daughter's former roommate.

- Gross.
- I think you're having an affair

with your biggest campaign donor's wife.

And if that comes out,
just like old Biff,

you're going to lose your squash daddy,

and that squash for you
is K every election cycle.

Nice story. You can't prove it.

Ooh, but I can.

Remember that Eli Bettencourt
case you stole from me?

Well, I called every witness,

but his wife wasn't one of them
because she was here.

"With a friend."

A friend that Neil's new co-workers

at a job he doesn't really have
confirmed was you.

And I heard that you two were
in a back room doing face stuff.

- Just say kissing.
- Got it.

Well, that is a large pile
of dirt you have there.

What do you want?

Oh, same thing I've always wanted.

For you to take this research to heart

and effect some positive change.

I don't know what your game is.

No game. Games are your thing.

I'm just sharing information.

So am I being blackmailed or not?!

This is really unnerving!

I'm going to read
the whole thing, I promise!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
so, are... are... are we cool?

Oh, and, um, you guys might want to find

a different place to hang out.

Yeah, turns out that
this club is in violation

of all kinds of different codes,

so expect a fun little visit
from people in jackets.

[LAUGHS]

- Up top, boom!
- Up top, boom!

[♪]

Turns out I'm much more comfortable

in a place where I am by far
the most successful person.

So, you decided to go
with blackmail after all?

Absolutely not. He just thought I did

because that's how he does things.

And as you said,
he hasn't changed in years.

- You know why?
- Because he's not incredible?

Well, yeah, but

also he doesn't have anyone

in his life to make him better.

Like my late wife or your father.

Or you.

- Cocktail, m'lady?
- No, thank you.

- I don't drink.
- Neat.

So glad I spent $
on bartending stuff.

- [KEY CLINKS]
- Why does this drink have a key in it?