05x19 - Text Thread and The Marital Bed

[bunniefuu]

What do you think?

"Weekend special: Easter Bunny Stew."

Really? Rabbit stew for Easter?

You got any cute elves you

can stir fry for Christmas?

Man, I never thought of that.

Hey, you got anything

sweet for the road?

You guys still have those maple donuts?

- Uh, hold on.

- Aw.

Happy anniversary, you guys.

You didn't need to do that.

And since you had a double

wedding, I only got one cake.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

Man, I can't believe

it's been a year, right?

I know. Look at us.

You guys, I remember

when we were three pathetic single gals

willing to give up the

goods anywhere, anytime,

just to snap up a man.

Sure, we'll pretend it was just me.

But now, I mean, here we are

happily coupled with terrific guys

who can't get enough of us.

- Seriously.

- Right?

- Where do our guys get their energy?

- [laughter]

Oh, yeah. Let a girl breathe.

- You know what I'm saying?

- Yeah, yeah.

No, I'm not surprised. I figured Ben

for a "let's hydrate and

do it again" kind of guy.

Yeah. Yeah, me too.

But, you know, if

we're being honest here,

you and me, I mean,

no guy's as passionate

after a year as they

were in the beginning.

Uh, not in my house,

or in my car,

or in the bathroom at Costco.

I'll have a sample of that, please.

Um OK, but come on, Dad and Louise?

Louise is getting plenty.

That Jell-O is shakin'.

I did not need to hear

that for many reasons,

but mainly because that's

not what's happening

- with me and Ben.

- Mm.

The truth is that

we've barely been intimate

since we moved into the new house.

Oh, wow. Really?

'Cause I'd be jumping all over

that hunk of yummy every day.

Yeah, um it's not me.

Oh. Oh!

Do you think there's something wrong

with the relationship?

Um, only you would know that.

I mean, have you guys talked about it?

Well, I tried once, but

he just kind of joked around.

And I didn't want to push

it 'cause I didn't want

to stigmatize him and make it worse.

Yeah, but I mean, you

can't not do anything.

You know, if your love

life needs a jumpstart,

then as Lanford's leading life coach

and intimacy concierge, uh

I know some tricks.

Jackie, gross. Stop.

Why can't you just be my aunt

and talk to me like a friend?

I mean, I think that'd be a waste

- of six weeks of training.

- [country music]

♪

The Conners is recorded

before a live studio audience.

Just out of curiosity,

when did you all decide

to have Easter here?

Today.

Didn't you see it on

the family text thread?

Oh, that thing dings

so many times a day,

it's hard to keep up.

That was me.

I sent a ton of pics of Beverly

Rose with the Easter bunny.

You know, I'm happy to

be on the family text chain,

but I'm on other threads

and my phone is buzzing all day long.

People probably think I'm a doctor,

or a drug dealer.

Louise, nobody would

believe you're a doctor.

[phone buzzing]

Ooh, just got one

from Mark. Said he's sad

he's gonna miss Grandpa's

Easter egg hunt this year.

Yeah, but he's stuck

with Grandma Bev for Easter.

Nothing like celebrating the holidays

with the woman who remembers

rolling away the stone.

Well, more eggs for Beverly Rose.

And this Easter has got to be great.

Oh, right, it's the

first one she's with you

- instead of her dad.

- Yeah.

And I want her to go back and

brag about how much fun she had

- so his new wife can choke on it.

- [phone buzzing]

Um, Louise,

you know you just sent this

to the whole family, right?

What are you talking about?

- Wrong thread, Louise.

- Seriously?

"Becky is blowing up

my phone with pictures.

"I love seeing Beverly Rose,

"but how about spending

more time with your kid

"instead of posting a thousand pictures

to make it look like

you're a good parent?"

Oh, my God. Look, I'm so sorry.

I thought I was texting

one of my old bandmates.

Because you're going to write

a song called "Crappy Mom"?

Well, that was a terrible mistake.

But if you're gonna

write a song like that,

my mom's given me tons of inspiration.

You have anything that rhymes with

"narcissistic old bitch face"?

OK, I know you said you

don't need my help with Ben,

but just hear me out.

I pulled some of my

old life coach workbooks

on relationships.

Everything you need is right here.

Now, this is called

the soul stare exercise.

You stand on opposite ends of the room.

And you slowly start

walking towards each other

undressing one another with your eyes.

Nope.

Hey, I'm the one getting it regular.

I don't need this. You need me.

- All right, fine.

- OK.

So stand over there.

You're here.

OK, you are Darlene.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

And I am Ben.

Now, remember we are both

primitive sexual beings.

Ben is a lion. You're a lioness. OK?

You ready to roar?

I want to feel you unbuttoning

my shirt with your teeth.

Maybe if you just move

a little bit to the right,

I can go right out the door.

Yeah, that's it. That's good.

You embrace that intensity. Roar!

What are you doing?

I told you. It's the soul stare.

It's right oh, God,

this is Neville's.

This is how peacocks mate.

OK, I'm going back online.

Well, you finding anything in there?

Well, I mean it's mostly

advice written by men

on what to do if a man's sex drive

is stronger than a woman's.

Well, you just change the

pronouns and use the advice.

Oh, sure, I'll tell Ben

that he looks great in his yoga pants.

And then I'll watch the kids

while he takes a bubble

bath and reads "People."

I mean, that could work.

Everybody wants to be complimented

and feel like they're not

being taken for granted.

Maybe. It also says here,

"Physical contact is

not just for the bedroom.

"You're supposed to find

time throughout the day

to reach out and touch each other."

This is the stuff that keeps it fresh!

Where is Ben right now? Right now?

- He's in the kitchen.

- He's fixing the sink.

Oh, my God, this is where

men feel the most like men.

I mean, it's sad, but that's how it is.

So get in there!

Oh, God, I'm so not this person.

No, you're the person that

nobody wants to have sex with.

You're not wrong.

Mmm.

Somebody's looking good under there.

Who put eggshells in

the garbage disposal?

I don't know, but as I was saying, mmm.

If the top half of what I'm seeing

looks as good as the bottom half

What are you mumbling about?

- Who's my big, strong lion?

- [growls awkwardly]

[groans] Darlene, damn it.

You can't surprise me like

that when I'm under the sink.

- Well, I was just complimenting you.

- God.

Well, thank you.

These are my best

under-the-sink clothes.

[giggles] You're so funny.

I got to go get some plumbers' tape

out of the garage.

You want me to help you find it?

No, I think I got it.

It's that little house

we made for the cars.

Do you think this will

smooth things over with Becky?

Nope. I just got off the phone with her.

She said she doesn't want

to deal with you on Easter.

And if you think you're

seeing too much of her kid,

go to a movie for the day.

What'd you tell her when she said that?

I said "Louise is my wife.

If she's not here, I'm not here."

- And what did she say?

- I don't know.

She hung up before I said that.

This is crazy.

Honey, you called her a bad mom.

She's real sensitive about that.

I know that.

And I've texted her,

like, a hundred apologies.

I went back, and I liked

every stupid photo of her kid sleeping.

I even wrote, "She's

so good at being still."

This obviously doesn't

come easy for you,

but I appreciate you trying.

But I really want my

granddaughter here for Easter.

[sensual lounge music playing]

♪

Oh, wow.

Look at you being all

energetic and weird.

It's not weird.

I was just thinking

we never dance anymore.

Well, we never started

because you hate it.

I hate flossing,

but I do it.

Come on.

Honey, I could watch you all night

and analyze you all the next day,

but I am trying to pay the bills here.

OK. [sniffs]

Wow. Are you wearing perfume?

I may have walked

through a blast of Febreze.

You know what? This is fun.

But there's not gonna

be any music to dance to

if I don't pay the electric bill.

Then we'll just dance in the dark.

- Or do other things.

- Ooh.

Or maybe

we can do it another time.

- [turns off speaker]

- Yeah, we can, but we never do.

I mean, yesterday was

our anniversary, you know,

and you were too busy then too.

I mean, do you realize

that we've had sex one time

since we moved into this house?

I haven't been counting.

Well, it's easy. One.

The house is empty.

Why can't we just do it right now?

Why does it have to be now?

You're making too much of this, OK?

Look, it's perfectly

natural for sex in a marriage

to ebb and flow.

Yeah, but while you're

ebbing, I'm flowing.

I mean, I really want

this. I danced for you.

You know how I feel about dancing.

It's for people who don't have

the courage to stand still.

OK, look, if you don't

want to do it right now,

then let's just schedule something.

Oh, God, a schedule.

That's just so formal.

Can't we just let it happen naturally?

Ben, pick a time.

We can't let the fire and passion

- in our marriage die, right?

- OK.

9:00.

What day?

Now I have to pick a day?

- OK. Tomorrow night at 9:00.

- Fine.

See? That wasn't formal.

It was nice and natural.

I'm gonna put it in my phone.

It'll show up in your calendar,

and you'll get an alert,

like, two hours before.

[clears throat] Hey, just so you know,

Ben and I have a sex date tonight.

Oh, good. Where is he right now?

- He's doing inventory.

- Wow.

How much equipment do you guys use?

Happy Easter!

all: Happy Easter!

This is amazing.

I love you guys.

Beverly Rose is never gonna forget this.

That was the plan.

Happy Easter, honey!

Oh, and the Easter bunny

hid eggs all over the yard.

What are you doing here?

I'm trying to make things right.

You wanted a great

Easter for Beverly Rose,

so I'm making it happen.

I'm leaving,

but I'm not going to

ruin it for Beverly Rose.

Someone needs to drive her home.

Oh, come on, Becky.

I'm trying to make a gesture here.

Oh, look out the window as I'm leaving.

You'll see a gesture.

Come on, Becky. Don't ruin the day.

Louise was up all night doing this.

I don't care.

You know what?

You wanted to be here. Let's do this.

I was all for you marrying my dad,

but it turns out you're

one of those people

who pretends to be nice but

talks crap behind your back.

In this house, we insult

each other to our faces.

Damn, this is like "Real

Housewives" without the money.

OK, I think I've been pretty patient

hoping you two would work things out.

Becky, you said this family

says everything to each other's faces?

- That's right.

- Yeah.

Well, here are some texts

I've received recently.

This one is from Aunt Jackie.

"If Louise talks about life

on the road one more time,

"I'm gonna grab her

by her cheap dyed hair

"and kick her up and down the street.

Then she'll be back on the road."

I don't think you should be talking

about anybody's hair, Fantastic Sam.

You can't take that stuff seriously.

Here's another from a child

who shall remain nameless.

[coughs] Harris.

"Has Aunt Jackie ever actually

been institutionalized?

Because I got a bet

going with Mark and Mary."

- It was a game.

- We were just playing

"Which Conners Have

Been Institutionalized?"

- [laughs]

- What are you laughing at?

Because I'm the only one here

who hasn't been as

fake as the rest of you.

Really? Well, how about this?

Just last week, in the middle

of your shift at The Lunch Box,

you said, and I quote

OK, here it is

"You have no idea what a nightmare it is

to work with these two

menopausal Muppets."

- Hey!

- Hey!

OK. I think I made my point.

We've all had days

where we're stressed out,

or pissed, or just having a lousy day.

Before these things,

you badmouthed a friend to a friend.

And that was the end of it.

Now you write it down, you send it out,

and it's out there forever.

It ain't natural.

Look, I just want the

whole family to get along

and enjoy a holiday.

I did something stupid.

Can't we just get over it?

Let's all agree we're

sorry for what we said,

wipe the slate clean,

and delete the Conner text chain.

That's right. Sorry, everybody.

- Sorry, you guys.

- Hit delete.

I do have one last thing to ask.

Was Aunt Jackie ever institutionalized?

Darlene, hey.

I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna be late.

I know, but I can't help it.

The sprinkler pipe burst.

Your dad's going up

on the roof to fix it.

I'm getting inventory out

of the way of the leaks.

I, uh I really don't know

what time I'll be home.

Yeah. Well, I'm sorry too.

OK.

[door opens]

Well, what are you doing up?

You should have gone to bed, hon.

I'm sorry tonight got messed up.

Just stop.

I know you're lying.

I'm not even mad. I'm just embarrassed.

What are you talking about?

My dad was here when you called,

but nice touch with the wet shirt.

Well, I find when

you're lying to your wife

about not having sex,

the details are important.

I've been stood up before,

but I never thought it

would be by my husband.

I'm so sorry.

Why the hell don't you

want to have sex with me?

Oh, no. Yes, I do.

I always do.

When we first started,

I had my own magazine.

I was writing.

I felt really great about myself.

What, and you don't now?

It's just different.

Now I'm hardware store

guy and wear a vest.

And I'm stepdad guy.

And I have a million responsibilities.

And [sighs]

I just don't feel,

you know.

No, I don't know.

You don't feel what?

I don't feel sexy right now.

What are you talking about?

Honey, you're beautiful.

Oh, you don't mean that.

I didn't even have a

chance to fix my face.

Look. Come on, Ben.

You've taken all the crap

that me and my family

have thrown at you,

and you are still standing.

I mean, I think that is crazy hot.

I love that you feel that way.

I mean, I don't know what turns you on

about stressed-out dad

bod, but I'll take it.

I just don't want to

disappoint you, you know?

And you kept pushing me.

And then I guess the scheduling sex

just kind of pushed me over the edge.

OK.

Why don't we shelve

sex for the time being?

We're still gonna make a schedule.

But no pressure. It's just to hang out.

And then you will tell

me when you're ready.

And look, eventually,

I will come to terms

with the fact that I'm not cool anymore.

- And it's gonna happen sooner than later.

- Good.

And if I'm on my

deathbed, just, you know,

throw me one so I

don't wait for nothing.

- You guys doing OK?

- [turns off TV]

I've been racking my brain

trying to figure out why you wrote that.

Do you resent me because I have

a kid and you never had one?

Oh, I don't resent you, Becky.

And my stupid remark had nothing to do

with me having a kid

or not having a kid.

I had a lousy mom.

And if anything, I

could jealous of the fact

that Beverly Rose has a

mom that loves her so much

she wants everyone else to know.

You're a great mom with a great kid

that I'm tired of deleting photos of.

You see, I have an iPhone 4,

and it's clogging it up.

I am one photo away

from not being able

to make a phone call.

You could give Apple

another $1.99 a month.

Over my dead body.

[whispering] Don't say that.

They can hear you.