03x20 - Call Me Consciously Uncoupled

[bunniefuu]

♪

I broke up with Max last night.

Y'all saw what happened.

If you didn't, go to

Hulu right now, watch.

I'll be waiting right here.

Welcome back, I hope

you enjoyed the episode.

So Max stormed out and he didn't

come back until after 2:00.

At least I think it was him.

It's also possible I'm

being robbed by someone

who made a Hot Pocket

and slept on the sofa.

Look, ending it was really hard,

but turns out the guy I've

been pining after for 20 years

is a real d*ck under pressure.

No, thanks.

I'd rather be his friend

than his girlfriend.

And that's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna go out there

and be his friend.

It's not gonna be awkward at all.

I'm just gonna go and

be his friend, out there.

Soon as I get out of bed,

that's what I'm gonna do.

I'm just gonna move my

legs, and go out there.

Be his friend.

Here I go.

Morning.

Hey.

Oh, that didn't feel

like a friend zone "hey."

This might take a little

longer than I thought.

Just got to stay strong.

And stop looking at his sexy arms.

His sexy legs.

God, it's like there's nowhere to look.

So, making pancakes?

Yep.

Nice.

You want some?

I was gonna put bacon in

them, so I made the bacon,

had a bite of the bacon,

and then I realized

bacon, you don't need no pancake,

you're perfect just the way you are.

Ha-ha. Look at that. He's making jokes.

Maybe this isn't gonna be so bad.

This is gonna be like

a conscious uncoupling.

We're gonna be like

Gwyneth and Coldplay.

So, uh, how'd you sleep?

Great.

I'm so glad I gave up my apartment

to move in with my

girlfriend and then get dumped

and sleep on her pull-out couch.

Oh.

That one's yours.

Okay, so maybe we're

more like Kim and Kanye.

♪

Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪

Nothin' wrong with you

but I'd rather be me. ♪

- Hey, baby.

- CARTER: Hey, babe.

You're just in time. Watch this.

Lights on.

Lights off.

Lights on.

I feel like the Mr.

Miyagi of illumination.

Nice, but I asked you to

install the dishwasher.

I can't keep washing dishes by hand,

my manicurist says we

need to see other people.

This is way more important

than a dishwasher.

Turn on sexy lights.

It's the same shade of purple

Prince used for his sheets.

Yeah, I remember the diorama

you made of his bedroom.

(IMITATES PRINCE SQUEALING)

What's in the bag?

Oh, my Aunt Dee's wedding dress.

I always wanted to get married in it.

I was her flower girl

when I was five. And seven.

And nine. Well, she had a type.

Rich, childless and near death.

The Aunt Dee who sends Christmas cards

that we can't put up

when kids are around?

I like her. Let's bust that thing out.

What? Have you lost your mind?

No, you can't see the

dress before the wedding,

it's bad luck.

We're not supposed to have

sex before the wedding,

but I'm still wearing white.

How is this the one superstition

you don't believe in?

You're still forwarding

a chain email from Y2K.

It's been 20 years and the toasters

have not risen up and tried to k*ll us.

That's because I'm still

forwarding the email.

I'm serious, don't look at it.

You act like I don't

have any self-control.

We've had wax fruit on

the table for three weeks

and I've only tried one peach.

These pancakes are really good.

You know, some people

call them flapjacks.

(AS JERRY SEINFELD):

I mean, who is this Jack

and why is he flapping?

Do I taste cinnamon?

Only if there was some on the floor.

Max. I know this is hard.

But we said that if we broke

up we'd still be friends.

And Carter's license says

he's six-two. People lie.

You don't mean that.

I know this feels really bad right now,

but we're gonna work it out.

How am I supposed to

explain this to people

when I don't even get it?

It's like when that

kid at the gas station

asked me how does a microwave work.

I don't know, kid. It's a

box that makes things hot.

It's micro waves.

The answer's right in the name.

I don't know how to tell

people, but can we at least wait

until after my mother's birthday party?

Seriously?

It's just a few days. Max, come on.

This is a big birthday for

her. She's "turning 50."

And when she finds out we broke up,

it's gonna break her "heart."

Fine, I'll wait until

after the party, "friend."

"Thanks."

But for the record, you could've waited

until after your mom's

birthday to dump me.

I waited until after Passover

to tell you I broke your Garfield mug.

Ugh, I hated that Monday.

It's time to give Hot Lots

viewers what they want.

You start at my butt,

tilt up to my face.

I know how to sell the sizzle.

And you sure you don't

want a stunt butt?

I've been squatting, I'm ready.

- Hi, Darren.

- Hey.

Hey, babe, did you hear back from

- any of those wedding venues?

- Ugh.

Just the riverfront one.

Turns out it's just a boat

that crashed into the dock.

Captain said we can't

even do a walkthrough

because it's still

an active crime scene.

Well, that's not an option.

Certainly not at full price.

Well, I'm off to meet

yet another caterer.

Even though we don't have a venue yet.

And yes, I will ask if they

can do "classy pizza rolls."

Tell them I want the same pizza rolls

that they eat at Buckingham Palace!

All right, as a special

wedding surprise,

I want to turn that crawl

space that we discovered

into Randi's she-shed.

She said she wanted a she-shed

when we went to the

Shell station for sherbet.

Are you sure you don't want

to turn it into a home gym?

Get some cake like mine.

Oh, man.

Randi's wedding dress.

Should we sneak a peek?

Dude, Randi told you not to.

That makes me want to do it more!

Like at the zoo when they

say don't pet the animals.

Well, I paid $15. I want to know

what a flamingo feels like, zoo.

Well, it's bad luck.

Uncle Ray saw Aunt Jackie

in her wedding dress

before they got married.

50 years later, he drops

dead of an aneurysm.

Okay, fine, I won't look.

Now go get the drywall.

All right.

Oops, I just tripped on

this loose floorboard.

I better grab this

zipper to break my fall.

DARREN: Are you looking

at Randi's dress?

It's beautiful.

White, lacy.

Mm, she's gonna look so fine

eating pizza rolls in this.

You shouldn't have looked.

Oh, please. Ain't nothing gonna happen.

(CRASHING)

Yeah, that's not bad luck.

I'm just a terrible carpenter.

♪

Damn, this is quite the

itinerary for your party.

- You're doing outfit changes?

- Mm-hmm.

I start as Cleopatra for cocktails,

segue to Jessica Rabbit for dinner,

then bring the house down

with a Janet Jackson

wardrobe malfunction.

Ooh. Ah, this looks fun.

9:00 to 10:30, watch Sheila

open and rate all gifts.

Oh, yeah, that's one of her

favorite birthday traditions.

A couple of years ago I had

my baby shoes bronzed for her.

Got one and a half stars.

Look, if you want them back,

they're probably still at the pawn shop.

KAT: Oh, there you are

in the same clothes

as you wore yesterday.

Boyfriends, they'll do anything

to avoid doing laundry, am I right?

If God wanted me to wear underwear once,

he never would've created inside-out.

Well, don't even get me

started on girlfriends.

They're like, "See what I did for you?"

And you're like, "Yeah,

but I don't like it."

And they're like, "Well, I

did it because I love you."

That's why I swore off women.

Max, I am so excited to

hear you sing at my party.

Yeah, nothing I like better than

singing a love song with my Kat, here.

- Oh, you're so sweet.

- All right.

I'm gonna go upstairs.

Too bad she's working,

otherwise we could, you know,

(WHISTLES) do

boyfriend-girlfriend stuff.

Honey, what happens in the

bedroom stays in the bedroom.

Not necessarily.

Sometimes what happens in the bedroom

ends up on the hood of a Camaro.

Mother, can you watch

the shop? I actually

am gonna run upstairs for a few minutes.

But, uh, don't ask 'cause I won't tell.

Wasn't gonna ask.

And for the love of

God, please don't tell.

Where were you last night?

I was really worried.

I booby-trapped the Hot Pocket box,

but I didn't hear the bike horn.

I didn't want to sleep

on a fold-out again.

My face is 20, my back is not.

Well, where did you sleep?

Did you hook up with somebody?

I really don't see how

that's any of your business.

Uh, it is my business when

you walk through my business

coming from your "biz-ness."

I don't have to tell you

what I'm up to anymore.

Now, if you don't mind,

please get out of my bedroom.

Oh, that's real mature. Max, come on.

Can we talk about this?

Sorry, I closed the door to

my room. I can't hear you.

Oh, then I guess you can't hear this.

Baby shark, doo-doo,

doo-doo, doo-doo ♪

Baby shark, doo-doo,

doo-doo, doo-doo ♪

- Baby shark, doo-doo ♪

- 1-877-Kars-4-Kids ♪

- Baby shark, doo-doo ♪

- K-A-R-S, Kars for Kids ♪

- Baby shark, doo-doo ♪

- 1-877-Kars-4-Kids ♪

(MUFFLED OVERLAPPING SINGING)

Freaks.

Now I want her to tell.

You're still not ready

for Sheila's party?

We're about to go from fashionably

late to stereotypically Black.

Damn! Are you okay?

Uh, yeah, I'm just

a little light-headed

from all the blood loss.

That is you, right, Randi?

Just zip me up.

And don't get any blood on my dress.

I have to return it

to Nordstrom tomorrow.

It's stuck.

It better not be stuck in my hair.

I've got to return that tomorrow, too.

- Hang on, I think I got it.

- Okay.

Uh-oh.

- W-what's wrong?

- Uh, nothing.

Uh, completely separate question:

Do you know where the stapler is?

Damn it, Carter!

None of my other dresses will work.

Sheila specifically said

less cleavage than her.

It's not my fault.

I mean, I just had a run of bad luck.

B-But that happens.

Nothing has to cause it.

Just get dressed.

And I'll try to fix the Oh, God.

- What?

- I just haven't

felt right since I met

that caterer today

- Oh. Oh.

- (RETCHES)

- You okay, baby?

- Does it sound like I'm okay?

- Oh.

- (RETCHES)

Uh, can you say it again?

I couldn't understand

you because of the vomit.

(RANDI RETCHES)

- Just get over here and hold my hair back.

- Okay.

I told you I got to return it tomorrow!

- Okay.

- (RANDI RETCHES)

- (RETCHING)

- (CARTER STAMMERS)

Damn, how many pizza rolls did you eat?

(RANDI GAGGING)

Right in here.

Oh, hi, Kat.

Oh, it looks great in here.

Hello, Mindy, glad you could make it.

You are at the red table,

so look for a photo of my

mother in that color nightie.

Is this your grandson?

Yes, and his name is "mind ya business."

Ah, sweet, they're not checking IDs.

Hey, cuz, where's Randi?

Food poisoning.

No way we're going with those caterers.

Certainly not at full price.

What I tell you? You shouldn't

have looked at that dress.

You were right, all sorts of

bad things have been happening.

- Like what?

- Like right now,

I'm stuck here talking to you.

I hate it when you lash out.

Hey, Max, can I get

another bottle of champagne?

"Mind-ya-business" is throwing

'em back like he's at prom.

Which he's missing to be here.

Another bottle of Dom.

Uh, that's not Dom Perignon.

It's Dom Toretto, the

official sparkling wine

of The Fast & The Furious.

Carter bought ten cases after

The Rock joined the franchise.

Are you drinking?

Uh, let me check.

Why yes, I am.

Okay, I'm just surprised.

You haven't had a drink in months.

Turns out it's like riding a bike.

Well, look at you two,

the second-best-looking

couple in the room.

Yeah, we certainly are still a couple.

And they said it wouldn't last.

Well, looks like you and

I both like younger men.

Oh, we're-we're actually the same age.

Right. So are we.

Miss Leibowitz, can I use the bathroom?

I told you, you don't have to ask.

I'm not your teacher anymore.

All hail Sheila,

Queen of De-nial!

(EXOTIC MUSIC PLAYS)

Hang on, cut the music.

- (MUSIC STOPS)

- Where is everyone?

Uh, the guests are still arriving.

Damn it. This is why

Frampton always takes

an extra hour to hit the stage.

Gene, turn it around.

Let's go.

Can I get a Stoli and

Grey Goose on the rocks?

You know that's just two vodkas.

Well, look who can count.

Sheila, you know how to break a curse?

Katharine still dresses

like a lost and found box,

so obviously not.

Hey, I think I'm gonna bail on the song.

- Just tell your mom I said sorry.

- What?

No, no, then she'll

know that something's up.

Who cares?

I don't feel like getting up onstage

and pretending everything's okay.

It's just like the

high school talent show

when I had to follow the fire juggler.

My whole performance,

you could still hear

him screaming backstage.

Max, we just have to keep

it together for one song.

I don't even want to be here.

Nobody does!

- (SIGHS)

- Excuse me.

Can I get everyone's attention?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Um, first off, good news:

Mindy's date has found his retainer.

(APPLAUSE)

But please keep an eye out for

his Minions retainer case.

Ba-na-na!

Oh, okay, 'cause that didn't

sound exactly like a Minion?

Now I'd like to welcome to the stage

someone who is very special to me.

My daughter Katharine's boyfriend Max.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

All right, you don't want

to do the song, you tell her.

Fine, let's frickin' do it.

Oh, also note, a change in schedule:

I'll be doing my belly

dance after I cut the cake.

♪

Hi, I'm Kat, Sheila Silver's daughter.

And, Mother, just want you

know how much you mean to me.

Hit it, Max!

♪

You and I must make a pact ♪

♪

We must bring salvation back ♪

♪

Where there is love ♪

I'll be there ♪

Unless you're not ♪

♪

I'll reach out my hand to you ♪

Although you don't want me to ♪

♪

Just sing the song ♪

I'll be there ♪

No, she won't ♪

♪

You fill my heart

with joy and laughter ♪

Then you threw it in

the trash compactor ♪

Ooh ♪

Just so you know ♪

I never liked Bridgerton ♪

(GASPS)You take that back ♪

I won't ♪

Damn. I guess I never really

listened to the lyrics.

You're making this harder

than it needs to be ♪

(CHUCKLES) No.

You already slept with somebody

and it's only been two

days? That is so tacky.

Enough already. I slept at Darren's.

Why didn't you just say that?

And when the Duke told

Daphne "I burn for you,"

you cried real tears!

Why am I even defending myself to you?

We're not together anymore.

Damn it, Max!

(HUSHED MURMURING)

What's happening?

I'll tell you what's

happening, this sucks.

She said this song was about me.

Um

Uh

Next up,

a very special birthday video message

from Ernie Hudson,

the Black Ghostbuster.

Gene, roll that tape, will you?

Honey, are you okay?

Yeah. I'm really sorry about your song.

Oh, don't worry about that.

I thought it was good.

My video of it already has 47 likes.

I can't believe you guys broke up.

- What happened?

- It's complicated.

I can't really get into it right now.

Why didn't they just watch

the last episode like you did?

This sucks.

Y'all were my relationship goals.

What about me and Randi?

Check back in when you

learn how to communicate.

(SHEILA SOBBING)

Oh, don't worry, Mother.

I'll be okay.

I don't see how.

Now you're going to die alone.

Hey, baby, how you feeling?

I was feeling better until I saw

Darren's livestream of the party.

Sheila demanded that I spank her.

I mean, it was her

birthday. I had no choice.

No, Kat and Max breaking up.

Yeah.

That was sad.

How'd it make you feel?

We should communicate.

What?

Don't be mad.

I looked at your wedding dress.

- What the hell?!

- You said you wouldn't be mad!

No, I didn't.

The point is I'm cursed.

I mean, your food

poisoning, the shelves,

Mindy's date got grounded.

Baby, you're not cursed.

No, it's true.

You need to just save yourself.

- What are you talking about?

- Mm-mm.

Just walk away, but do it slow.

I need to see that thang

thangin' one last time.

I promise you're not cursed

because it's not gonna

be my wedding dress.

What?

Yeah, Aunt Dee got engaged again,

so she wants her dress back.

Should've seen it coming

when she got that job

at the nursing home.

Then what caused all my bad luck?

Bad luck?

Baby, you are marrying me.

You have the best luck of anyone I know.

Yeah, I am pretty lucky.

(CHUCKLING)

And you lucky too, right?

Sure.

♪

God, there you are. What was ?

Oh.

You're moving out now.

Yep. Moving out.

Also, microwaves cause water

molecules in food to vibrate,

producing heat that cooks the food.

Just FYI.

If this is about the bed,

you can sleep in the bed.

I'll be on the pull-out, see? Whoa.

Sweet Ernie Hudson.

Is there even a mattress in that thing?

I got to go.

But Max, I don't want

you to leave like this.

This feels like we're

never gonna talk again.

I just I just can't keep doing this.

That night on the roof,

you promised I would never lose you.

(SIGHS)

My key's on the counter.

(DOOR CLOSES)

He'll be back. That's his car key.

Baby shark, doo-doo,

doo-doo, doo-doo ♪

Baby shark, doo-doo,

doo-doo, doo-doo ♪

Baby shark, doo-doo,

doo-doo, doo-doo ♪

Baby shark ♪

Mommy shark, doo-doo,

doo-doo, doo-doo ♪

Mommy shark, doo-doo,

doo-doo, doo-doo ♪

Mommy shark, doo-doo,

doo-doo, doo-doo ♪

Mommy shark ♪

Daddy shark, doo-doo,

doo-doo, doo-doo ♪

Daddy shark, doo-doo,

doo-doo, doo-doo ♪

Daddy shark, doo-doo,

doo-doo, doo-doo ♪

Daddy shark ♪

Grandma shark, doo-doo,

doo-doo, doo-doo ♪

Grandma shark, doo-doo,

doo-doo, doo-doo ♪

Grandma shark, doo-doo,

doo-doo, doo-doo ♪

Grandma shark. ♪