01x01 - Jane Eyre FICTION BRO

[bunniefuu]

Bad news, everyone.

They have pushed back

our renovations again.

I know. It's such a bummer.

But, at least we still have staff picks.

All right, m'lovelies, give 'em to me!

I've got "The Transformenstruation".

It is the first book in Michaela Ramos'

Bloodiest Moon Trilogy.

Oh!

It's terrifying, and

angsty, and so necessary.

Why are we pushing this drivel?

Okay, it's a bunch of magic

and fairy tale nonsense.

Bryce.

Oh, are you outraged about

a fiction book being promoted

at the, hm, checks notes, library?

- You forget what we do here?

- Never.

We are a public service

for tax paying citizens

and landed immigrants who

came here the right way.

- That's not exactly

- But that book is trash.

Okay, I won't read it, haven't

read it, but it's trash.

Noted. Now, what's your pick?

Oh, are you flippin' kidding me?

Jaq, language.

Bryce, what exactly is

"The Republic's Edge"?

Oh, they're a conservative faction

Faction?! Ha!

Overreact much? No.

No, we're just a bunch fellas

who get together and talk policy.

I mean we started as a paintball

group for Christ's sake.

Wendy, no, they're a

bunch of right wing dicks.

- Dicks?

- Dicks.

Let the record show I'm offended.

Okay, nice try, tohtineh but white men

- can't be offended, so

- Has anyone received a call

from our day transfer?

He's late.

Can I even park here?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, man!

What are you doin'? Quit it!

Mid-stream? Nah, that's

bad for your Wang.

Ugh. Unbelievable.

That book is garbage.

How can you write a whole

book on menstruation?

You know, what's garbage is

your podcast that you listen to.

Patton Jefferson's "Lamestream Bias"

is a haven for reasonable thought, okay?

He is a man of the people,

for the people, by the people.

- Esjieeee!

- Wendy, no, she

That book cost a fortune to bind

and intellectually copyright.

Bryce, could you please

just pick an actual book.

Okay, all right, just

put up last month's.

- Eat, Pray, Love?

- What?

I like the chapters where she eats.

Ah, morning, Wendy!

Morning.

Alvin, Slow down!

I'm not taking you to urgent care again.

Sheila, what are you doing here?

You're not scheduled to work

the settlement desk today.

No, but I left a textbook and

I'm already late for class, so

Sabine!

You are lookin' fancy and hireable.

Thanks to your program.

I can't afford anything this boring,

but, I'll borrow it.

Well, I'm glad one of my old suits

is being put to good use.

Hey, are your computers working yet?

I need to print a résumé.

Oh, no, the replacement

computers aren't here yet,

but they should be here later today.

Hm.

We can print it in my office.

Yeah, I should have enough

toner left for a couple of pages.

Okay.

Wait! Hey, hey, hey, hey!

I am so sorry, but,

I guess none of you

wanted it badly enough.

But, if you need a freelance consultant

to be better at things, then

please make an appointment.

Okay?

Bye. See you soon.

You know you really shouldn't

have that study room every day.

Well, I won. It's library law.

No such thing, Alvin.

Grabbing a coffee. Back in 15.

Heavens. It's just one day, Howard.

One day. Oh, um, good morning.

I'm I'm looking for the branch head,

Wendy Yarmouth?

- You found her!

- Oh.

And you are our day transfer

from Midtown Library,

Howard Toot.

Oh, um, Tutt. Howard Tutt.

I'm glad you're here. Consent to a hug?

Oh, no. I'm afraid not.

All righty, let me show you around.

Oh, is there a place to put my

Nothing.

We have fiction over here.

Uh, these are our new releases.

We've got DVDs back there.

We need a new Muppet Movie DVD

'cause I have worn that sucker out.

Oh, DVDs don't wear

out. They deteriorate.

Reference materials and magazines.

Um, so that's it? Just the one floor?

We have a few meeting

rooms downstairs, but, yeah,

this is our baby.

I'm sorry. What happened there?

Um

Yeah, you know, sometimes

with these older machines,

it's just best to restart.

Run!

We all went home early that day.

Why hasn't home office

fixed any of this?

You know they just put a mini

movie theatre in at Leslie.

- Did they?

- Yes.

Even at Midtown, we had a bank

of computers short one morning.

They had replacements

into us that afternoon.

How long has it been for you? A month?

Months

Uh, but, they said they're coming today.

So maybe I will go give them a ring

and see where they're at.

Come on.

Bryce, can you show

our day transfer around?

I have to check on the status

of our replacement computers.

You finally gonna show those

paper pushers what's what?

That's right.

About to get a whole buncha

Wendy up in their craw.

Fools better have my Norton AntiVirus.

Yeah, there's "Fierce Wendy." Love her.

And, you ruined it.

Uh, this is Tanya. This is Jaq.

Jaq is the only librarian

that understands our

social media accounts.

This is my assistant head, Bryce.

Bryce, Howard.

Bryce Howard!

We just need a Dallas

now to complete the set.

- Bryce, you got him?

- Yeah, I got him, boss-lady.

"Boss-lady?"

So if she was a guy, you'd

call her boss-man, right?

Don't try to ensnare me in

one of your sexism traps.

I'm not. I'm just asking.

It's not gonna work again.

Besides you don't

need to say "boss-man."

The man part's implied.

Is there, like, a locker, or

some such I can put this in?

Just toss it on the pile.

Your jacket can keep my jacket warm.

Ah.

Y-You know, I'll just keep it on.

- It's, uh, deceptively light.

- Uh-huh, what?

Are you worried us poor Jameson staffers

are gonna steal your fancy

jacket that's got all the

the buttons on it still?

No, I I have thin bones, yes.

- Thin bones.

- Ugh.

All right there, Big Library,

I'll take you on the ten cent tour.

Stay close. Keep up.

So why take a day transfer?

You, uh, trying to get

away from your branch?

Oh, no. Um, I'm at Midtown.

I love it, obviously, but, um,

I'm looking for a bit of extra cash.

Mm-hm.

Uh, yeah, it seems I need to

replace half of my furniture.

Oh! Bed bugs or break up?

Um, break up. Thank God.

Mm-hm, been there. A lot.

Anyhoo, over there at the front desk

you got your Naloxone.

If anybody asks, the needle

drop is in the washroom.

Uh, there's a lot less g*ng fights here

than at my previous library.

- Oh.

- And over there you've got

Oh, you've got a young

fella about to read

some feminist trash.

Excuse me.

Young man, put the book down, please.

Hi, there. Can I help you find a book?

I'm fine.

Oh, well, maybe something else?

A movie or an instrument?

Oh, you're getting

close. You are very close.

Jaq!

Need something, Wendy?

What's Bay Street's deal?

His name is Big Library. Day transfer.

Howard, what is your problem?

No problem. I

I'm just trying to help

Wendy find something

so she can be on her way.

Oh. On my way, eh?

This elitist prick is trying to kick me

out of a public library.

As a member of the public,

who should I complain to?

I'll tell the Other Wendy.

Look, I have an exemplary track record

dealing with patrons of all types.

So I'm sure me and this Wendy

can sort things out on our own.

Well, all is forgiven.

If

Okay, okay. Okay, okay.

You were gonna kiss my hand!?

You were. You were gonna do it.

You have no idea where it's been.

- No, I don't.

- No idea.

Welcome to Parkdale, Hollard.

They're here! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Wait. Stop, stop, stop right there.

What in puppy kisses are these?

Your "new" computers.

No, no, no, no, no!

These are older than the ones we had!

Sucks to be Jameson.

The only thing that sucks in here

is those dusty, old computers.

So take those dinosaurs

back to a museum!

Yeah, get 'em, Fierce Wendy!

And, bring us some computers

made after the Mesozoic era!

Okay, she's tryin'.

This is C-R-A-P, Loretta!

Again we're brushed aside.

We are understaffed,

underfunded, under fire.

We literally had a fire!

We cleaned that up.

And left us without computers.

Half our patrons come

here to use the computers.

We can't just forget about Jasmine,

who comes here to do research

for school projects, or,

or Pam, a single mom who

can't afford Internet at home,

or Bob, who does only appropriate

things on there. I hope.

Well, I just sent you six computers.

They had Netscape Navigator on them!

If you have good Wi-Fi,

your patrons can just

bring in their laptops.

I bet you would send us computers

if we were any other branch.

Like Leslie, maybe?

Wendy, tread lightly.

I'm not treading. I just

You were their branch manager

before you got this job

running facilities,

which you totally deserve,

but I just heard that

they got a movie theatre.

It's more of a screening salon.

And I petitioned for that years ago.

If the other branch managers knew

I'm gonna stop you right there, Wendy,

'cause I do not

negotiate with t*rrorists.

t*rror1st?!

Because I want some flippin' computers?!

Oh! Language.

All right, well, your

complaint is noted.

Thank you so much. I gotta go.

N n No!

Damn it!

Oh! Language.

These computers,

you're not keeping them, are you?

Mm, probably.

Fierce Wendy's gonna

do something, right?

Mm, that Fierce Wendy thing

is pure fiction section.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I love her.

I would melt a body in a

tub full of hydrofluoric acid

for her, but, she cares too much

about what other people think.

And so, this is what we get.

Disappointing.

Yeah.

Listen up, fellow library staff!

- Please leave.

- We're done anyway.

They're all yours.

That's right. They're all ours.

Safe trip back to 1987

or wherever the frack you came from.

- Language.

- Oh, wow.

Can these things even

connect to the Internet?

Oh, you know what?

I'll go over to Tech Town.

They're always having sales.

I could maybe pick

up a couple computers.

No, Wendy, you can't afford it.

I have a little savings.

These are the most

basic computers we have.

I could give you 10 percent

off. Every little bit helps.

Maybe we can think of

another way to drop the price.

- I'm happily married.

- Oh, no, no.

Did you think I was trying to be flirty?

I-I no, I'm sorry.

Let me try that again.

I am the manager of the Jameson Library.

- I'm good.

- Okay, all righty.

Oh!

Hi, Loretta. Call to apologize?

Hi, welcome to Tech Town.

Are you in Tech Town?

No, I'm at lunch. She said "Taco Town".

There's no food in Tech Town!

Don't blow your salary

to make a point, Wendy.

- Did you call for a reason?

- Yes.

I can't get you better computers yet,

but, I have a solution to

your understaffed problem.

I'm listening.

And I'll tell you this

is a poorly built shoe.

You look along the seams here

you can tell that this

is just one stitch.

- Okay.

- Okay, what's happening?

What am I walking in on?

Just another round of

What's the Weirdest Thing

you Found in the Return Slot?"

Size 10 men's shoe with a

perfectly good golf ball inside.

Okay, hang on a second.

How can you even get foreign

objects in the book return?

Isn't it automated?

Okay, you're gonna wanna hold

onto your butt with this one.

- What do ya got?

- Okay, ready?

- Oh!

- Ah!

- Well, you win.

- Oh, yeah,

- That's good, that's good.

- Look at those freakin' teeth.

- There those are.

- You wear dentures?

No.

You know, it's official.

This branch is worse than Tyler Perry's

"A Madea Family Funeral".

Who's Madea? Who's Tyler Perries?

And whose funeral is it?

Howard, have you taken

out the trash yet?

Are you serious? You guys

don't you have a clerk?

Oh, do you mean our book butler?

He's outside with the trash receptacles,

because, he's a raccoon.

Four more hours.

Um, Howard, can I speak

to you for a minute?

I have some news that you

can take one of two ways.

Option A, freak out, which

is helpful to no one, or,

um Option B, try to

look on the bright side.

Okay

You can finally take off your coat,

because your day transfer

is officially permanent.

Welcome to Jameson!

What? No.

- What?!

- Oh!

Maybe this celebration

cupcake will help?

It's probably best.

It's been there a week.

No, n-n-no, no, Isla, this

was supposed to be for one day.

Jameson needs help. It's a win-win.

- You see two wins in this?

- One for Wendy and one for me.

Now it won't be so awkward here.

It's not my fault people

are awkward around us.

Okay, you called off our engagement.

If it were up to me,

we'd be married by now.

Yeah, I know.

Either way, things are

weird with both of us here.

- Weird how?

- Ugh.

Good evening, patrons.

This is just a friendly reminder

that the Midtown Library

is closing in 10 minutes.

So, do check out any

books that you have.

And, yes, I know, parting

is such sweet sorrow.

You know, I thought she was the one,

but, uh, I'm the one sleeping on a futon

in my ma's basement.

Lacrimo, ergo sum!

- Howard!

- Um, ten minutes.

- Gotta go, bye.

- Grow the (BLEEP) up.

Listen.

It is a new branch, new co-workers.

It's a fresh start.

I don't want a fresh

start. I want my old branch.

I am complaining to home office.

Good luck with that. Bye, Howard.

Isla Donovan, do not hang up this phone!

Isla!

Ay, it's a library,

dog! Cut all that out!

Oh, uh, I'm so sorry.

Yeah, I lost it there for a second.

Yeah, I saw that.

Ain't nobody needin' all

that drama, Jane Austen!

This ain't Pride and Prejudice.

Oh, hey, Jaq. I have a

meeting coming in soon.

So if they get here before I'm back,

- do you mind just

- Oh-ho, I get it.

Because I'm a woman behind a desk,

that makes me your assistant.

- No, no, no, that's

- Get out of my face.

- Yes.

- Denehgeh.

Bye. Bye

Jaq, where's Wendy?

Oh, because I'm a woman behind a desk,

I'm her assistant.

- Wendy?

- Yeah, Hoddard?

Oh, you know what?

Um, I actually meant Other Wendy.

Yeah, well, you didn't specify

so now you got my attention.

Where do we go from here, Hoddard?

You and me, on a

beach, maybe go-karting.

You know what? That sounds nice.

You thought of monster trucks?

- Wendy?

- Yeah?

Please transfer me back to Midtown.

Oh, it's hard enough

sending books back to

their original location.

Let alone people.

Loretta said that your branch manager

was gonna give you a call.

I don't know why I

expected anything from you.

Sorry?

I'm gonna tell you something

your staffers will never say.

It doesn't matter how "adorbs" you are,

or how many cupcakes you

have, or how many computers

you ridiculously try to buy yourself.

Until you actually become Fierce Wendy,

whatever that means,

your branch will never be respected.

Is this a Jameson tradition

I'm about to report?

You close your mouth and you listen now.

Okay, Big Library?

We don't like how you

talked to Wendy just now.

So, you're gonna fix it,

or else "Big Library's"

about to become "Short Stack."

Come on, you're the one that

told me she was too nice.

Wendy is a delicate piece of china.

She's not dishwasher

safe. You understand me?

No No, I don't.

Listen, you're gonna suck

it up and go say sorry.

Can I at least go pee first?

Yes.

- Oh.

- Oh okay, yeah, we'll be out

Mm-hm.

Um

Look, um

I'm sorry about what I said earlier.

- I was

- You were right.

Norman, our old branch manager,

he wasn't easy to work for.

And I really didn't

wanna end up like him,

but, maybe I've gone

too far the other way.

No, Wendy, people love you.

Uh um,

pathologically and homicidally.

And I understand why

Jameson isn't ideal.

But, can I ask you something?

Why did you wanna become a

librarian in the first place?

Well, I guess, when I was a kid,

I'd be in my library all the time.

There's this lady, Mrs. Brenneman.

Here you are, Howie.

Thank you, Ms. Brenneman.

Howard : She'd always

share her cookies with me.

She'd even warm them up.

My library was kind of a second home.

Closing time, Howie.

Howard : She was just there,

through it all.

Kind, smart, she listened.

I wanted so badly to be

that for someone else.

Why don't you give Jameson a sh*t?

Be our Mrs. Brenneman.

This is very heart-warming,

but it's not fair, you know?

Isla gets to stay at Midtown

and she's the one who cheated.

Hm.

Hold your hush puppies.

You were in a relationship

with your branch manager?

Well, she wasn't the branch manager

when we started dating,

and so we thought it

was fine to keep dating.

In actual fact, our

problems only really began

when she was promoted over

me, but up until then

Hold on. Howard, stop.

I I-I'm sorry.

We will unpack all of

that some other time,

but just for clarity,

she didn't transfer you

when she became branch manager?

No.

Then you broke up, and you were Gonzo?

Yes.

Well, that was an odd,

little rollercoaster.

Isla, I really appreciate

you sending Howard to us,

but I was hoping to get someone

with a little more experience.

Howard has over 10 years under his belt.

He's pretty solid.

So why'd you dump him?

As an employee, not as a fiancé.

Right. He told you?

He did.

You know, I'm great at keeping secrets.

Especially one that

could get you transferred

to some hole-in-the wall branch

on the outer rim of Toronto.

I just need a tiny favour.

Okay. What do you need?

Good news, m'lovelies!

New computers. You can thank Howard.

Wait. What?

- Mm-hm.

- Why?

All those stickers say

"Property of Midtown Library."

That is why I printed up these.

Look at you, boss-lady.

Did you leverage my

relationship with Isla

for these new computers?

So, I just need a book from

you for our staff picks' shelf.

How about "The Betrayal"

by Kate Furnivall?

Ooh, a romantic!

Welcome to the team.

- Gimme that.

- Okay.

Welcome home, computer.

Hi, you new here?

Sorry, what?

Um, yeah. Uh, yes.

I I am.

I'm new. To the branch, that is.

I'm a new transfer. Howard.

- Sheila.

- Do you work here as well?

Sort of. I run the settlement desk.

But on Saturdays I bring

Wendy a little something.

Oh.

Did you bring me a little something?

I'm I'm sorry. That

was terribly awkward.

I don't have a coffee for you, but

- Thank you.

- Nice to meet you, Howard.

Hey, Wendy. Here's your coffee.

Thank you!

Mm!

She's way out of your

league, Big Library.

So, "Big Library's" sticking, huh?