01x04 - Pilgrims and Sex Parties

[bunniefuu]

That picture of you with the jar

and the hawk on your head has gone viral.

They're calling you "The Wizard of Odd."

There's even a meme going around

where the scarecrow

is offering you a brain.

We need to address the fallout.

Are you listening to me?

Christ, are you

in a meditative trance again?

Oh!

Whoa.

It's very dangerous

pulling me out like that.

I was in a tree with monkeys

comforting my inner child.

Now that little boy is alone

with a pack of monkeys.

That doesn't feel like a real problem.

As opposed to, say, this.

I know, it's a disaster.

I was hoping the monkeys would have

some advice, but they were silent.

Yes, we all cherish the monkeys.

In other news,

your human friend, Jean, is here.

She's not imaginary

and your best ally on the board,

so maybe she has something to offer?

Oh, Jean's here? She is so nice.

I like being around nice people.

It makes me feel safe.

Great. I'll go and get her.

Hey, hey, hey. Stay here.

There is no here.

Oh, hi.

Are you getting coffee?

- I'd like to.

- Please, you go first.

You have your coffee,

so technically, you've already gone first.

Indeed. And now you shall go first.

Thank you.

Yeah.

It's, uh, Malcolm, right?

Since day one.

So how are things in HR?

Is that okay to ask

or is it against the rules?

Sorry, now I have to write you up.

I hope I don't get spanked.

Okay, too far. I I do work in HR.

Sorry, sorry. I'm not even into spanking.

That's probably also not okay to say.

I'm gonna go.

Jeanie! Jean Sequence. Get over here.

It's so good to see your face, Ellis.

How are you holding up?

I still feel Katie's presence

every minute of every day.

So do I. She was my best friend.

Just pure radiant light.

So that reporter screwed you in the ass

with King Kong's d*ck.

- I see you're still writing your poetry.

- I try.

I'm so sorry I missed the board meeting.

I am going to establish soft eye contact

and gentle physical touch

to create a comfortable connection while

we begin to discuss the uncomfortable.

That sounds nice.

I wish you would do things like this.

There's a lot of things

I wish about you too, my friend.

The article has created

some new complications.

The twins are saying

you've so embarrassed the company

that you need to be replaced.

Those entitled trust fund jerks.

They've ruined being

a rich white guy for everybody.

Ellis, I've always been on your side,

but the twins are talking to other board

members and discontent can be contagious.

Okay, I'm gonna let go now,

but just because my hands are sweaty.

I understand

you've hardly been in the lab.

What you need to do is get back to work

and show the board some real progress.

Love it. And not just because

I've been saying the same thing for weeks.

Oh, no, wait, that is why.

I'll do it.

And I'll get to spend time with Jackson.

But what about the twins?

They're not going anywhere.

Oh, you leave those turds to me.

I've recently uncovered some information

that should shut them down for good.

Oh, tell me.

Uh, no. I want to be surprised.

Oh, tell me.

No. Don't.

Thank you for your support

and friendship, Jean.

It means the world to me.

Anna, Ellis is so lucky

to have you in his corner.

Thank you, Jean.

Oh.

All right. Very good.

Yep, that's plenty for me.

Thank you very much.

Jackson.

- Jean! Oh my God. It's so nice to see you.

- Oh, I heard you were working here.

Your father must be delighted.

He is. Although he keeps me grounded

with targeted att*cks

on my wardrobe, posture, and personality.

So tell me, how have you been feeling?

Wow, straight into it.

Um, I've been feeling fine.

Still hard. Comes in waves.

I just want you to know that if you ever

need anything, I'm here for you.

- This is a lot of eye contact.

- Then let's release it. On my count.

Three, two, one.

Go.

Oh, I'm still playing harp.

Maybe you can swing by sometime

with your flute.

We can have

one of our legendary pluck and toots?

Sounds great. Although, I'd still like

to find a better name for it.

Split, you nucleoid jerk!

Yeah, what are you waiting for,

you precious little prince?

There it goes!

Some cells need to be shamed

or they'll never divide.

So, you think you're gonna

give Jackson another chance?

- Do you really want to talk about this?

- I'm fine. I'm happy with my boyfriend.

Brian's solid. He likes me. We go to bed

at the same time. Let's see, what else?

I'm sure there's more. We all love Brian.

Always in his trusty pair of Crocs.

- Don't call him that.

- Don't call him what?

- A loser.

- I didn't call him a loser.

- Really? Could've sworn you did.

- I just mentioned his Crocs.

Stop calling him that.

Okay, I see the problem.

When you say "loser," I hear "loser."

Damn it! I mean "Crocs."

When you say "Crocs," I hear "loser."

I know how you feel

about those stupid things

he wears literally everywhere.

So, you and Jackson?

I like him.

He's definitely authentic, which is nice.

So if you're sure you're okay with it

- Okay, I'm not gonna see him again.

- Well, you know what's best for you.

Morning, ladies. What's new?

Rumor has it

I have a crush on the hot HR guy.

- Oh my God, you should ask him out.

- I can't.

- Coward.

- You suck.

It's too dangerous. He works in HR.

If he's not into me,

he can report me to himself,

and whose side will he take?

He's right. It is risky.

What if we could determine scientifically

whether he's into you.

We could develop an empirical methodology

for determining his romantic interest.

It'd eliminate the risk.

Then you could hit that sh*t

like you're on vacation.

I do love hitting sh*t on vacation.

Let me think about it.

- Coward!

- You suck.

Hello, science guys and gals.

- She still doesn't know our names.

- Mm-hmm.

So big day today.

Ellis is back in the lab.

Not passing through. No side projects.

- Limiting my distractions.

- No distractions.

It's great. For a second I was worried

that the man that I live with

was going to be working

in a separate room from me.

Okay, so I have some ideas

that I think might jump-start us.

Very good.

Have fun putting little drops of things

onto other things and watching it.

I've literally no idea what goes on here.

I'm off to deal with some turds.

Oh, I realize you don't have

the necessary context for that.

I'm confronting these awful men.

Just do your science.

- I don't need you to babysit me.

- I just want to see the magic.

Okay. So I know you guys were tracking

the carbon reaction,

so I had a wild

idea.

If we could get

some sort of

reductive oxidant

on the anode.

Dad, are you crying?

No. Why would I be crying? I'm fine.

So, um

The anode

Maybe the cells are too beautiful?

Hey, buddy. What's going on?

Nothing. Just working in the lab.

Maybe we go for a walk?

No. No distractions.

Okay. I don't know what's happening

but I feel like it's winding down.

Just give me a minute.

- What are you doing here?

- Yeah. What are you doing here?

We need to talk.

- Hey, that's our house.

- It's our house.

- You need to stop going after Ellis.

- Never.

When Ellis started his company,

Dad loaned him money,

but when Dad wanted to start his company,

Ellis wouldn't lend him a cent.

It was a tiger petting zoo.

It was a tiger petting company.

It was immoral, and your dad

didn't know a thing about tigers.

You sound just like our mother.

Oh, that woman.

Never believing in our father.

- So why don't you go after her?

- She's our mom. What is wrong with you?

Yeah, I'm the idiot here.

Let's get to it.

I've recently uncovered

some information about you

that could be extremely embarrassing

for you both.

You've been attending extravagant

sex parties with other one-percenters

where you exchange bodily fluids

and shitty political opinions.

Scoff. We work in tech. It's no big deal.

Did you just say "scoff?"

Yes, I was scoffing. That's how you scoff.

No, it's not. You don't say "scoff."

Scoffing is a sound of disbelief.

No, it's not. Scoff.

- Are you okay?

- That's scoffing.

I know you're not embarrassed

by your sex parties, but I'm confident

that your sad, demented friends

won't invite you back once they see this.

You're Pilgrim reenactors.

I am enjoying our freedom

from the tyranny of the Church of England.

And I am churning butter.

Where'd you get that?

Well, there's a very sweet 14-year-old

in my building

whose hobby is collecting dirt

and destroying people.

So we act like Pilgrims.

What's the big deal? People love Pilgrims.

They invented America.

That's just objectively not true.

And beyond glorifying

r*cist, genocidal colonizers,

your little reenactment society

doesn't allow women.

And some women would find that offensive.

Perhaps even some of the women

who attend your magnificent sex parties.

She's right. The sex party women

take discrimination super seriously.

And women are the best thing

about our sex parties.

If they're mad at us,

who would we have sex with?

Just Julian?

Stop going after Ellis.

If you don't, this gets out,

and you'll be stuck

with your own bodily fluids forever.

Jackson, please, stop.

The song is called "Walking on Sunshine."

Not "Crawling into Darkness."

Yeah, I tried to hide behind the music,

but the flute only blows the truth.

Our instruments reveal

everything about us.

It's why I quit playing the harp

for my husband

when I was banging my trainer.

I'm just worried about my dad.

- He couldn't stop crying in the lab today.

- Did you try to help him?

He never wants my help.

He loves telling me what to do,

but when I try and tell him something,

he just gives me this condescending smile.

It's like

Hmm.

He just seems so overwhelmed.

Hmm. Do you maybe know someone else

who sometimes feels overwhelmed?

Oh my God. Yeah, every day. Yeah.

- It's me, right?

- Yes.

And since you two share that,

maybe you can help him get through this.

I walked into that.

The lab has always been the safest place

for me. It's where I feel most at home,

which is why this is so scary to me.

- Hmm.

- What if it happens again?

What if I can't go back in the lab?

And then, if I can't go back in the lab,

who am I?

Hmm. Um, can I have a sip of your cocoa?

I offered you a cup

and you said you didn't want any.

That's before I knew

you had little marshmallows.

I know you. If I give you a sip,

you're gonna take a big gulp.

I won't! I promise. It's too hot anyway.

A little sip. That's it.

A sip. A little bit of chocolate.

Thank you.

That's uh

That's enough.

That's enough. That's enough!

You left one little marshmallow.

I can't believe you let me have a sip.

All right, let's focus on your problem.

Maybe you need to get away.

Let's go take a trip, right?

You never take me anywhere.

Hey, Dad.

And Leslie. Ah, of course. Hello.

Hello to you, young man.

We were just talking about travel.

- Maybe going to Spain.

- Oh, Ibiza?

- Yeah, the cradle of civilization.

- It's where they invented the DJ.

No, just don't.

- How are you feeling?

- I'm still shaky.

I don't know why I was crying.

I I just got completely overwhelmed.

I actually have something that I do

when I'm feeling overwhelmed.

- Really? What is it?

- I want to tell you,

but I need you to promise you're not gonna

smile and get all condescending

like you sometimes or always do.

- Jackson, I do not do that.

- Well, you're doing it right now.

You are so wrong, buddy.

You know what? Just forget it.

Okay, I won't do what I don't do anyway.

What were you gonna say?

Fine, I will tell you,

but it's very personal and embarrassing.

If you want to talk about masturbation,

this is a safe space.

No.

When I feel overwhelmed,

I pinch my butt really hard.

Sounds stupid, but it works.

The pain grounds me

and makes me live in the now.

I appreciate you sharing that with me.

I'm gonna try that. Thank you.

You're so welcome.

You two are so great.

This is why I went into family practice.

Not to have my patients scream at me

and tell me to wake up.

Hey. Everything okay? I heard things got

a little emotional in the lab yesterday.

A little, but Jackson's helping me.

How's everything with the twins?

You can't spell "twins" without "wins,"

and yesterday, I had two wins.

Because they're twins,

and I'm a wordsmith.

That was delightful.

- We thought we'd find you here.

- What, in my office?

What keen minds you have.

We just wanted to pop by

and ambush you with something

like you did to us.

Yeah, like you did to us.

Maybe you should get to it

before you forget why you're here.

Oh, we won't forget.

I got it.

You write super cringey fan fiction

about your office, and we found it.

- I don't know what you're talking about.

- We know it's yours.

We work in tech. So we know other people

who work in tech who can do things.

Maybe all your coworkers

would like to read your masterpiece,

Thank God For Anna.

Oh no.

"It was just another morning at Dragon,

but Anna was looking

especially spectacular."

Good morning, Anna.

You're so pretty today and every day.

- Thank you, girl scientist.

- You're welcome.

And I'm going to stop making such a fuss

about you not knowing our names.

It's our fault

for having such unmemorable names.

You're smart and have a great brain.

Anna, I was thinking

about the time the columns got switched

in the internal assets report

and you caught it and corrected them.

I was a fool

for not giving you proper credit.

You are smart, have a great brain,

and are easy on the eyes,

if you know what I'm saying.

I do know, and it's never going to happen.

Never say never.

Hi, Anna,

may I please sing a song I wrote for you?

Another one? Well, okay.

We owe it all to Anna

Every paycheck and banana ♪

Yes, Anna's the only one

That we can adore ♪

But it's hard being modest

When you're working for a goddess ♪

Please, stop.

If this ever gets out, no one here

will ever take you seriously again.

Yeah, try running a company

where no one respects you.

- We've done it twice and it sucks.

- Tell me what you want.

If you release so much as one photo

of us in a buckled shoe,

everyone in your office

will get a copy of Thank God For Anna.

Fine, you stupid colonial farmers.

Your secret is safe.

Good. The three of us are at a stalemate,

so we'll go back to destroying Ellis.

For our father.

- Our father.

- Leave me.

Oh, boy.

After extensive research,

we have developed a foolproof way

of determining whether HR guy

is romantically interested in you.

Variable A is this piece of lint.

Variables B and C

offer alternative debris

Guys, please.

We put lint on your shirt

and wait to see if HR guy picks it off.

Grooming a potential mate

is a way of expressing interest.

So if he touches you,

you know he likes you.

This is great.

Although I picked something

off my mom's blouse the other day.

Okay, little buddy. Let's do this.

- Science makes everything better.

- Nuclear weapons.

- Oh.

- Good morning.

Good morning indeed.

You ready to get to work?

I have a new idea

on how to approach the carbon phasing.

Oh, thank you, but I'm gonna be all right.

Got some advice last night

from a very special little man.

Great. They have no idea

who you're talking about.

- I'm gonna get some pipettes.

- I'll help you carry them.

I'm excited to try the butt stuff

you taught me.

No, uh, it's not butt stuff

in the classic sense.

It's more of a way of using your butt

to make you feel good.

Mm-mm. Like a way of using your butt

to help you achieve g*dd*mn it, Dad.

Okay, so I was thinking

if we invert the

anode, we might accelerate the

Come on. Come on.

- Dad?

- No, it's working. It's working so good.

Reductive oxidant

That was my idea,

and I will see you all tomorrow.

Dad.

I'm sorry

I couldn't make your butt thing work.

Just because something works for me

doesn't mean it has to work for you.

You were trying to help me,

and I know how hard that is for you.

I didn't want to disappoint you.

Oh, Dad, you never need to worry

about disappointing me.

Oh, my son.

- Because you disappoint me every day.

- Nice.

So, what do I do?

If I don't get back into the lab,

your mother is going to k*ll me.

The carbon project

was super important to her.

Well, if she kills you,

she'll have to spend time with you.

I think she's probably enjoying

the time off. At most, she'll haunt you.

Still, I don't want to wake up one night

with her hovering over my bed,

disconnecting her jaw

and shrieking at me in disappointment.

Hey, have you thought that maybe you're

putting all this pressure on yourself

because you don't want to disappoint mom?

- But why is it only happening in the lab?

- Because of the carbon project.

The lab is where you feel

you could disappoint her most.

- Oh my God! Why didn't we think of this?

- Well, I just did.

No, but I understood immediately.

Don't you understand? The lab

is where I could disappoint her most.

Don't try to make this seem

like your thing.

And you're not gonna disappoint mom.

She used to say, "The only way

to let someone down is by giving up."

You're right.

No. She's right.

No. I'm right.

I'm not gonna give up.

I hope you learned something today.

Hey. How's your dad?

He's gonna be all right.

I figured out the problem,

but then he took all the credit.

- Like you're taking the credit now?

- Oh my God, it's in my DNA.

What are you

You had a piece of lint.

Okay. Okay.

It was just a piece of lint.

It didn't mean anything.

Science is stupid.

No, science is smart.

Why are you so wet?

- I am doing the best I can.

- Okay.

You know, I was thinking

you should ask Jackson out again.

He's a nice guy. Do it.

- Are you sure?

- Yes.

Do I think he's cute? A bit.

Does it mean I want to dump Brian

and date Jackson?

- Well?

- No.

Ask him out.

Fine. If you're really okay with it,

then I will.

Good. Thank you.

Ruby? Luna? Is anyone naked in here?

You can uncover your eyes.

We finished putting our breasts away.

The lint test worked.

Hot HR guy picked it off me,

so I asked him out.

We're leaving in ten minutes.

Would it be weird

if I rubbed against Ellis

so I could smell like him?

Yes, but no weirder

than how obsessed you are with him.

I'm not obsessed with Ellis.

And I already hugged him two times today,

so I'm probably good.

Hey, hey. Are you ready for that drink?

God, am I. I just got an email from Ellis.

He wants me to look into

registering his hawk as a service animal.

Sometimes that guy

can be a little difficult.

Uh, excuse me?

Ellis. Sometimes he's a little difficult.

Didn't work out. Too many red flags.

- There you are.

- And no tears.

Great. How were you able

Come here, come here. Look at this.

- See that?

- Nope.

- What, that speck? What am I looking at?

- I had a breakthrough.

Tell me.

You are looking at a particle of concrete

made entirely from greenhouse gases.

We did it. And it's just the beginning.

- Oh my God. Ellis, this is incredible.

- Isn't it?

Look at you. Smiling.

Uh, I shouldn't be.

I couldn't get the twins to stand down.

They have some embarrassing information

about me.

Any more embarrassing

than the world seeing you hiding

under some half-assed invisibility cloak

with a jar and a hawk on your head?

I write office fan fiction.

- Oh, well, that's not necessarily

- In a world where everybody worships me.

In one chapter, I defuse a b*mb.

I will give you $40,000

if I can read that.

No. I'm just telling you

so that if the twins do release it,

you're not blindsided.

God, I hate those guys.

Dicks.

You know, it's one thing to come after me,

but you shouldn't have to deal with that.

I think it's time for a little payback.

We have some smallpox

way in the back of the cryo-freezer.

Mm, I have a different idea, but I like

how you've lost all sense of scale.

So we just hold one end

and throw the whole roll over the house?

And the bushes and the trees.

Literally everything.

Everything. Oh my God. This is thrilling.

Woo-hoo! We're coming for you!

And if it rains,

it's impossible to clean up.

Oh my God, I hope it rains.

Rain!

Okay. No more yelling.

We're getting close.

Lights.

We move like cats in the night.

I think you just hit a twin.

Uh-oh.