01x05 - Beautiful Birthday Bastards

[bunniefuu]

[whimsical music playing]

- [tires screeching]

- [twin grunts]

[whimsical music ends]

- I think you just hit a twin.

- Uh-oh.

- Do you think he's dead?

- [twin] Ellis Dragon!

You son of a bitch!

Well, he's not dead, so that's a win.

[twin] Are you just in there talking?

Get out of the car and help me!

- He's being so pushy.

- I know. I hate to reward that behavior.

[twin groaning]

Hey, one of the twins, are you okay?

I'm Chaz. I'm the sporty one,

and no, my arm really hurts.

Oh my God, Chaz! What did they do to you?

They hit me with their car,

and I totally scraped my arm.

And they did it after midnight,

so they did it on our birthday.

Oh, it's your birthday? Happy birthday.

That's wonderful news.

Do you have any plans?

Why should we tell you?

You tried to k*ll Chaz.

[splutters] Whoa!

No one tried to k*ll anyone.

The real question is

who walks in their driveway

in the middle of the night?

Yeah, that's insane.

I was getting the mail.

Why were you pulling up to our house

with your headlights off?

Don't try to make this about us.

You're the one scurrying around out here

like a rat looking for your night mail.

They're up to something.

- We should call the police.

- Okay, we'll tell you the truth.

[sighs] We were in the neighborhood

because Anna

[Anna] Mm?

is house hunting.

Yes. Yes, I am. I love this area.

- Because of the pepper trees?

- Because of the pepper trees.

Ha! Pepper trees are not a feature

of this neighborhood. You lied!

You're here to k*ll us.

We should press charges.

And tell the board what they did,

and that any of them could be next.

Yeah, then they're gonna vote you out.

There's two things board members hate.

Losing money and being m*rder*d.

Okay.

The truth is we knew it was your birthday,

and we wanted to surprise you with a gift.

Is it death?

No, it's something else.

Something amazing.

Why would you get us a gift?

You don't even like us.

Nonsense. Of course we like you, bros.

[hesitating] Come on, my boys.

We always wanted to be friends.

We just got off on the wrong foot.

Probably because we're intimidated

by how cool you are.

- We are pretty cool.

- That's probably why nobody talks to us.

Okay, we'll accept your gift. Where is it?

- Anna?

- Hmm?

- Get the gift.

- [clicks tongue]

The gift. The gift was your idea.

Why don't you go and get it?

Oh, Anna, we forgot the gift.

Oh, my So embarrassing.

Oh my God. Why does this always happen?

I'm so sorry, you guys. But you know what?

This whole experience

has kind of been a gift, so, um

Good night.

You could go get it.

[TJ] Yeah, if there even is a gift.

There better be. If there isn't, it means

you don't really want to be our friends,

and you came over here

for some evil reason and ran me over.

Then we'd have to report it to the po-po.

Wh Okay. [chuckles]

Guys, of course there's a gift.

Because if there wasn't,

it would mean what?

That we Let's follow your logic.

We get in our car.

We drive all the way down here

for some nefarious reason,

turn our lights off, already weird,

pull into your driveway and hit you

while you were getting your night mail?

That's what you're saying?

Can you hear yourselves? You sound insane.

We will bring you your gift tomorrow.

You're gonna love it.

[whimsical music playing]

[whimsical music ends]

This may be the only time I ever say this,

but I need you to stop working

and focus on a huge distraction.

How dare you interrupt my work?

Kidding. What are we getting into?

We have to get a gift

for the twins, remember?

So you don't go to jail

for almost k*lling one.

Especially since you laid out

exactly what happened,

which even a mediocre lawyer

could interpret as a confession.

Oh God, I've never wanted

to get back to work more. [sighs]

All right. What if we get them something

specifically designed for two people?

Like what? Walkie-talkies?

A couples massage?

I love that. Or a horse costume?

One could be the tail,

one could be the head.

In my experience with those,

there's not a lot of air in the back.

You wanted to be in the back.

You didn't want to steer.

Sorry, am I interrupting?

Yes, and thank you.

So we've been working crazy long hours

in the lab.

Uh, if it's all right with you,

I was thinking we could cut out early

and blow off some steam.

We could all go to a movie,

or what if we got into

a couple of horse costumes?

No, I was thinking more of a bar,

and just the lab people,

and no one would be in a horse costume.

You're right. We should get drinks.

It should be just us. Sorry, Anna.

He's never not been invited to something.

He doesn't understand what's happening.

I'm not talking about you, bud.

You're not invited.

I love you, and I know this is painful,

but this moment's gonna make you stronger.

No, I

I like this. Here. Here's my credit card.

The evening is on me.

- Wow. Thank you.

- You're looking out for friends.

And maybe somebody

who's more than a friend? Ruby.

Okay, I'm gonna go.

[distant phone ringing]

I've got it.

The perfect gift for the twins.

- Sheets?

- No. Why would it be sheets?

Because the right bedding

really makes a room.

Okay. Well, we'll get my thing,

and then we'll get sheets.

[whimsical music playing]

Hey, I've got good news.

Dad said we could leave early? Your dad?

Yes. And he gave us his credit card.

[exhales] Awesome.

This is just what I need

to get over my ex.

- The HR guy you never went out with?

- Can you not bring him up in front of me?

[Jackson] Mm.

So how are things going with Ruby?

Is she gonna come tonight?

I hope so. I like her,

and I feel like something

could maybe happen one day in the future.

Potentially. Or maybe not.

Okay, baller status.

We are going to respectfully bag

some hot consenting tail tonight.

Potentially. Or maybe not.

- Here's to something maybe happening.

- Yeah.

[whimsical music plays]

We are on for tonight,

and you're coming, right?

Definitely. I was just gonna go home

and watch Dateline with Brian like always,

but this is good.

I never go out drinking and partying.

I don't even know how to do it.

What if I can't do it? What if

I'm only good at watching Dateline?

Whoa. Remember? We talked about this.

You said, "Don't let Couch Luna scare me

into staying home."

"Stand up to her.

Bite her if you have to." So you're going.

You're right.

And thank you for not biting me.

Maybe I'll dance,

or drink something that's on fire.

Then throw it up,

then do it all over again,

like a frigging Roman.

Good for you. Also don't do any of that.

So are you excited

to hang out with Jackson?

Yeah. I like him.

Our date was a little bumpy,

but ever since then, he's been acting

like a normal human, and I love humans.

Third-best species.

Fourth. Remember? Whales.

Oh, yeah.

[whimsical music playing]

- You totally nailed that present.

- Thank you.

The other twin's gonna ask us

to come back and run over him.

Which I will gladly do.

- Happy birthday!

- Happy birthday!

And here is the present

that we did not forget this time.

Ta-da!

It's a tandem bike. It's for two people.

Which is how many people you are.

You literally can't ride one alone.

Well, you can, but it's sad.

It looks like someone d*ed.

A tandem bicycle's a great gift.

- The first four times.

- Yeah, we have four of them.

[Anna groans]

It's what everyone gets twins.

Does everyone fill the basket with sheets?

No. Why would they?

To pull together a room.

Look, the important thing is we tried,

and that's enough.

If you really wanted to be our friends,

like you said last night,

you wouldn't just drop off

some crappy present and go.

Yeah. They don't care about us.

We should press charges.

What would it be? Attempted manslaughter

or second-degree m*rder?

- I'll get my copy of the Constitoosh.

- I'm gonna get mine too.

- This is going terribly.

- I know.

I think they may be lonely.

We might have to really be their friends.

I think you might be right.

[both groaning]

- Hi!

- Hi!

We couldn't find them.

All we could find was the Declaraish.

There's nothing about m*rder there.

Hey, guys, we are not attempted murderers.

We're your buds. Come on.

- Bring it in. Happy birthday.

- Aw, hug.

Is it just TJ's birthday?

Is that the reason I'm not getting a hug?

Oh, you want one too?

Well, I don't go around assuming

that everyone is a hug person

because some people aren't.

Okay, here we go.

Plenty for me. [exhales]

That was nice.

So, buds, what are we gonna do next?

Oh!

So much. Right, Anna?

Absolutely!

We're gonna birthday so hard,

you'll forget which one of you is which.

- Sick.

- Sick.

[light rock music playing]

One, two, three.

[clears throat]

That felt good.

It definitely did not burn my esophagus,

and I don't feel like crying.

Same. Because I am in my element.

Should we go dance? That's something

I wouldn't expect myself to do.

Ooh! Look at you. Someone went home.

Do you have a bar mitzvah after this?

Okay, I changed

because I smelled like the lab.

Sometimes people poke fun

'cause they're jealous.

You look good. Very handsome.

The rabbi's gonna love it.

Let's get a drink.

Have you ever had a spicy rim job?

What kind of question is that

to ask a 13-year-old Jewish boy?

[Ruby chuckles]

[phone chimes]

[sighs] It's my boyfriend.

He keeps texting me.

Does he feel threatened

because you're out with the likes of this?

He's just used to me being home.

[phone chimes]

He wants to know

how to tell when spaghetti is ready.

- [phone chimes]

- [inhales deeply]

And if throwing it at the wall

is a real thing.

Relationships, huh? Man, they are

Actually, I don't know.

I've never really been in one.

Is it worth it? Are you happy?

I'm a lot happier than I would be

if I were single. Statistically.

- Statistically?

- Yeah.

People in relationships

are 9.3% more likely to be happy.

And tonight, we're gonna find someone

for you so you can be a statistic.

- That sounds like I'm gonna get m*rder*d.

- Probably not.

Although 1,000 Datelines would disagree.

Oh God.

Is that the hot HR guy?

What's he doing here?

I don't know. I lied to him

about why I bailed on our date.

Just play along.

Hi.

Malcolm. Hey, how's your aunt?

They have to amputate the foot?

They sure did.

- Diabetes is a terrible disease.

- I thought she got bit by a snake?

Right, she did.

I was starting a new conversation.

God, I hate diabetes. Don't you?

It's the worst.

Well, I didn't want to interrupt.

I just wanted to see how your aunt was.

I'm with some friends. Come say hi later.

You should hit that.

But I lied to him before,

and he doesn't like Ellis.

There's too much baggage.

Tonight, we're checking our baggage

at the gate.

HR guy is cute, and he likes you.

Go do sex.

So my whole family is at the reception,

the bride throws the bouquet,

and it's headed directly to my cousin.

Out of nowhere, my sister-in-law jumps up,

bats it out of the air

and screams,

"Not today, you cheating bitch!"

[chuckles] Oh my God!

Was that Eddie or Carlos's wife?

Eddie's. Wait, how do you know

my brothers' names?

You mentioned them the other day

talking about the lake you vacation at.

You remember the lake?

Wow.

You really listen.

- Is that weird?

- Yes, women hate it when guys listen.

- I'm kidding. It's really sweet.

- [man] Rubes.

Oh my God, Cooper. How are you?

Great. I just got back

from hiking the Pacific Crest Trail. Yeah.

Went all the way through British Columbia.

You'd have loved it. Amazing sunsets.

I like sunsets.

Oh, this is Jackson.

Jackson, Cooper. Cooper, Jackson.

Hey. Did you hear

Brandon's gonna free solo Half Dome?

[Ruby] The guy's a freaking legend.

He climbs onsight with no beta

and still finds bomber holds in the crux.

That's sick.

I know a guy named Brandon as well,

so I know how crazy they can be.

- Who's this guy?

- He's my friend.

We work together. Be nice.

I'm gonna go back to the table,

but hey, man, the Pacific Crest Trail

ends at the Canadian border.

If you're gonna make hiking

your personality, learn the trail names.

Step together. Step together.

Arms up, arms down.

That's it, guys.

Keep it loose. Keep it loose.

Don't be shy with those hips.

[dance music playing]

Almost there. Just find that b*at.

And pelvic thrust.

Have sex with the air.

[dance music ends]

This party is weak.

Yeah, we'll just have you arrested.

That would at least be fun to watch.

[in British accent] Oh, no, the bobbies

are dragging me to the Tower of London!

Someone call my father, The Earl of Grey!

And my brother, Big Ben!

Brilliant. Some random English things.

Paddington!

Another bull's-eye.

I'm calling 911.

Wait, no one's arresting anyone tonight.

We have a lot more planned. Right, Anna?

We sure do.

- Right, Ellis?

- [chuckles] Yup. Right, Anna?

Do you think we should tell them

about the birthday party

at the bar where Jackson is?

Yes, you're right.

We'll be honest. We've been stalling

until your real party was ready.

Our real party?

Yes, at a bar with dozens of people there

to celebrate you.

That sounds cool.

All right, just give us a minute

to slide into our evening Uggs.

Who do they think they are,

mocking British culture?

What about their culture?

[in American accent]

"Oh, I eat giant portions,

and I think history started 50 years ago."

[sighs] It's unbearable.

And I spent a day buried in a coffin

with David Blaine.

- Actually, that was six minutes.

- Yeah, but we were face to face.

Hey, sorry to interrupt.

Do these guys also work in HR?

[chuckles] Uh, no. Believe it or not,

I'm not just an HR dork.

This is my bee society.

Yeah, we're bee people.

- Cool, cool.

- It is cool.

Unless you think studying,

appreciating, and trying to save,

oh, I don't know, the insect linchpin

of our planet isn't cool.

Uh-huh. Can we talk for a minute

on a non-bee related topic?

Sure, I can take a bee break.

Bees never get a break.

[Ruby laughs]

Don't worry about Cooper.

Ruby's not into him.

It seems like she is.

They just used to hook up,

but it wasn't serious.

- Ruby just thinks he's great at sex.

- That's not helpful.

Maybe I should go over there.

That's what my dad would say to do.

"Jackson, activate your core

and get back out there."

"Don't waste my genes.

I know everything about everything."

Maybe you should listen

to that cartoon version of your dad.

Yeah. Yeah.

Cooper's not any better than me.

There you go.

What does he have that you don't?

Yes!

Actually,

he has Ruby.

I like you,

so I want to tell you the truth.

My aunt is dead.

Oh my God, Malcolm. Are you okay?

Yes. She d*ed ten years ago

with all her feet.

I told you a stupid lie

because I wanted to cancel our date

since you were talking sh*t about Ellis.

That's an intense reaction.

You must really care about him.

When I was a kid,

my dad wasn't around a lot,

but Ellis was always there for me.

He even got me my first job, so, yeah,

I might idolize him a little too much,

but he changed my life.

He's what you and your friends

might call my queen bee.

[chuckles]

Hey, everyone, it's Chaz and TJ,

the birthday boys!

Gather round to celebrate 'em

'cause it's their party

that we invited you to.

Drinks are on my tab.

[cheering]

Malcolm, over here.

Do you need to go?

No. I'm enjoying spending time with you.

It's okay. Just go.

Thank you for understanding my sickness.

[Malcolm grunts]

I'm here.

Oh my God. This is so fun.

- What is?

- Everything, Malcolm.

Stay back, everyone.

Don't crowd around the guests of honor.

You'll all get your chance.

Who are these people?

I don't see anyone we know.

Did you even invite Julian?

We thought about that, but ultimately,

we wanted to protect the surprise,

so we only invited people you don't know.

So now you can make new friends,

like Malcolm.

He's super friendly, aren't you?

Sure am. What's your favorite color?

- Magenta. Thank you for asking.

- Mine's also magenta.

No way.

It's true. But a slightly lighter shade.

Wouldn't a lighter shade of magenta

be fuchsia?

No. And did you get us a cake?

Yeah, if this is a birthday party,

there should be a cake.

There is a cake. I'll go get the cake.

You beautiful birthday bastards.

So what's your favorite color?

Oh, no. Don't make me pick.

- [chuckles] You have to.

- You made us pick.

[inhales] It's blue.

- [laughing] You're a blue guy?

- No way.

[TJ] We gotta get you a drink.

We're gonna get you

something blue. This guy

- Oh my God, how did you do that?

- I just asked them about themselves.

Huh.

I like alcohol. It's my friend.

Definitely makes things hurt less.

Or more. Can't tell.

I'm sorry about Ruby.

It's okay. We're not in a relationship.

She can do what she wants.

I think you're a much more remarkable,

interesting, weird person

than Cooper will ever be.

Thank you. I think you're remarkable,

interesting, and weird too.

- Thank you.

- [phone chimes]

Should we dance?

I've been asking people all night,

and no one wants to.

It's not really a dancing place,

but how do you feel about pancakes?

I really like pancakes.

Okay, I know a guy. His name is Denny.

He makes pancakes all night long.

You know Denny? That's so cool.

That guy has, like, eight syrups.

Denny rolls deep in syrups.

Should we go say hi to him?

Yes. First, something called Crunk Juice

is testing the limits of my bladder.

Okay, I'm gonna go pay the tab.

Should we race?

That's stupid. Go!

Jackson.

Dad? What are you doing here?

I'm looking for a cake for the twins.

That can't be the answer

to the question I just asked you.

- How's everything with Ruby?

- She, uh, left with another guy.

Okay.

I'm okay with it,

but tell me everything I did wrong.

I should've been more confident,

tried to stop her,

stood-up straighter,

got a haircut from your guy.

No, no. I think it's great.

- Why?

- Because that's what life's about.

Putting yourself out there, trying things.

It's all I've ever wanted for you.

When stuff goes wrong, you recover.

I mean, look at me.

I ran over a twin,

now I'm looking for a birthday cake.

We're all just trying to figure sh*t out.

[chuckles] Wow.

That was surprisingly good parenting.

And with zero judgment.

- Sorry I don't have a cake for you.

- Apology accepted.

Hi, Ellis. Oh God.

Do we have to go back to work?

Because drunk science

would be so much fun.

It is. But no, I have to go to the kitchen

and look for a birthday cake.

Although I'm not confident

in the pastry skills

of the man responsible

for the epic trash can nachos.

- Why is your dad looking for a cake?

- I don't know. Why does he do anything?

Hey, guys!

Ruby. I thought you left.

With Cooper? No way.

I just had to get him into an Uber.

Did you think,

in the middle of our conversation,

I would just ditch you for some guy?

Well, it wasn't just some guy.

It was Coop.

He wandered aimlessly around Canada

thinking he was

on the Pacific Crest Trail.

Jackson, come on.

I was having a nice time with you.

I was having a nice time with you too.

[Jackson chuckles]

Oh, Luna and I were about to get pancakes.

Do you want to join?

Um, actually, I think I'm gonna stay here.

Uh, see what Malcolm's up to.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah.

I've always wanted to learn a more

time-consuming way to shake hands.

You two go have fun. Yeah.

Should we get pancakes?

Or we could skip the pancakes.

That works.

Turn it.

Squid! That was fun.

And you, you're nothing like you are

in Anna's fan fiction.

You write fan fiction about me?

Oh my God. Am I a vampire?

Like you could keep up

with the other vampires.

But okay, fine.

If you never mention this again,

I will make you a vampire.

Yay.

Happy birthday! We got you beef cakes.

Because the two of you are beefcakes.

- Did you hear what they called us?

- I love it.

- We have been working out.

- It's nice to be seen.

Yay!

[phone chimes]

["Be My Lover" by La Bouche playing]

La-da-da-dee-da-da-da-da ♪

La-da-da-dee-da ♪

La-da-da-dee-da ♪

La-la-dee-da-da-da-da ♪

Be my lover, wanna be my lover ♪

Looking back on all the time

We spent together ♪

You oughta know by now

If you wanna be my lover ♪

Wanna be my lover ♪

Go ahead and take your time,

Boy, you gotta feel secure ♪

Before I make you mine

Baby, you have to be sure ♪

You wanna be my lover

Wanna be my lover, wanna be my lover ♪

La-da-da-dee-da-da-da-da ♪

La-da-da-dee-da-da-da-da ♪

La-da-da-dee-da ♪

["Love Tonight" by Groovetek playing]

One love ♪

Look at those weirdos

dancing with our weirdos.

We made friendship happen tonight.

- We really did, didn't we?

- Mm.

- Must be hard not having friends.

- Yeah.

Do you have friends?

Not a lot.

- Do you?

- Mostly no.

Katie was my friend.

Wait a minute, are we friends?

I don't know. Are we?

Well, you've been with me through

a kidnapping and a vehicular as*ault.

You were there for me with toilet paper

when I was being blackmailed.

Maybe we are friends.

To friendship.

So what's your favorite color?

- Oh, we don't have to do that.

- Thank God.

Do you wanna love tonight? ♪

Do you wanna do me right? ♪

You guys really turned it out

for me and my bro.

Yeah, great hang.

So, we all good then?

- Yeah, we're not gonna press charges.

- You guys are familia.

We just hope we're never forced

to vote you out of the company.

That's funny because you actually

have a choice over how you vote.

Yeah, but we really need you

to make us some money.

Because we like you, but we love money.

- Money, money! Money, money!

- Money, money! Money, money!

We're gonna be okay.

Tomorrow, we kick it into high gear

and pump out something incredible

because we have some of the most serious,

hardworking professionals

in the world.

One love tonight ♪

Baby, give me ♪

[Ellis] Tomorrow, we start fresh.

No more distractions.

One love tonight ♪

Baby, give me the night ♪

One love tonight ♪

- [song fades]

- [closing theme playing]

[closing theme ends]