01x06 - The Ballad of Eduardo

[bunniefuu]

- Hey, buddy boy. How's your morning going?

- Not great. And also, "buddy boy?"

Speaking of great,

I had a great night with Ruby,

and I just got a text

from an old professor of mine.

My morning's circling the drain.

I only mention it

because you briefly pretended to care.

Got my first

quarterly budget meeting with Anna.

That blows. So Professor Carlisle's coming

into town, and he wants to get together.

I was always his favorite.

- You had more.

- I did.

I'm scared.

It's like going into a meeting with a lion

knowing if I say the wrong thing,

it'll open its mouth of razor-sharp teeth

and criticize me.

I used to be scared of Professor Carlisle

and now he's coming out to Los Angeles,

and who's he excited to see? Me.

Thanks for the advice. I'll try to apply

it to my totally different situation.

Oh, this guy.

Just left me another voicemail.

Probably wants to gush more

about my senior thesis.

Shall I play it for you, my fine fellow?

You can hear how splendid I am,

lest you harbor doubts.

- Are you reading off of something?

- I'm in a good mood.

Jackson, buddy boy.

How are you, my fine fellow?

Splendid, I hope.

Oh.

I meant to ask,

we lost our commencement speaker

for this weekend,

so I'm going to ask your father

if he might step in.

Could you perhaps

put in a good word for us?

It would mean

g*dd*mn it.

That's why he reached out to me.

I'm sorry.

This is like in seventh grade

when Miss Blake miscast you in Godspell

just so she could meet your dad.

Green Lab,

great progress on the prosthetic hand.

Love that you've programmed it

to make the "hang loose" sign.

Now just get it to do

everything else a hand can do.

Red Lab, we're on a tight deadline

on the carbon project,

so I'm sending you a new sequence I wrote.

Brace yourselves. It's beautiful.

Blue Lab, good job

on the high-protein banana.

You've quadrupled the nutrients,

Now just get rid of the squid aftertaste.

Okay, let's go, everybody, get to work.

Go, team.

Today's your landscaping day.

Why aren't you moving begonias

around someone's garden?

What happened to your priorities?

The twins lit a fire under my ass.

In the next board meeting, we have to show

concrete made out of captured carbon.

- So I knew I had to come in today.

- Thank God.

And get everybody started.

Now, I need to go to my landscaping.

And I need to strangle you,

but look at me not doing that.

Anna, my landscaping job is important

because when I'm working there,

I am working here.

And when I am working here,

I'm working there.

Uh-huh, your shoes are untied.

- And when I'm tying my shoes

- Oh my God, go and fertilize something.

Oh. I was asked to give

a commencement speech.

I need someone to write it for me.

- Someone who knows me well.

- Okay, good luck with that.

I want you to do it.

It needs to be brilliant, evocative,

and ideally, go viral.

- But not so viral that there's a backlash.

- Okay, good luck with that.

I'm talking to myself now.

Have Malcolm help you.

You two know me better than anyone.

Open with a joke. Funny, but not so funny

that there's a backlash.

So how was the rest of last night?

It was great. I danced. I stole a fork.

Someone gave me their hat.

Then I got home and Brian was all,

"Oh, I hope you had fun."

"You missed the best Dateline ever,

and I won't tell you about it."

I'm so glad

I've decided to not be critical of him.

Hey, at least you got

a free hat and a fork.

Speaking of getting forked,

did you do sex on Jackson last night?

Sometimes when you speak,

it sounds like a spam email.

And no, we were both pretty drunk,

so we just made out, cuddled,

and fell asleep together.

That sounds nice.

It was, at first.

Then he spent the night and he woke me up

with a coffee and a scone

from my favorite place.

So the problem is that he's a nice guy

you could have a real relationship with,

as opposed to the fork boys

you usually date?

He already asked me out again.

This is happening so fast.

What if he thinks

this is beginning of a relationship?

What an assh*le.

I know. He's a great guy.

I wish I was normal. I wanna be normal.

That's hard for someone who was raised

by a mother that was divorced seven times.

You sabotage your relationships

because your insides

are a pile of traumatized garbage.

- Aw, bestie.

- It's not your fault.

If you wanna change your pattern, do it.

Fine, I will try to be nice

to the guy that's being nice to me.

- Great.

- Look at what you did to me, Mom.

And Darryl, Jerry, Carmine,

Darryl, again, both Scotts and Judith.

Change of plan. We have to write

a commencement speech for Ellis.

He said to open with a joke,

which is great because I have

a really good sense of humor.

- You're kidding, right?

- No. I'm hilarious.

Okay. I don't know

what advice to give graduates.

I can't even cancel my gym membership

because I'm too scared

of the woman at the front desk,

and I can't use it because I'm scared

of the woman at the squat rack.

Do you go to Curves?

And don't worry. We'll be fine.

I'm also a pretty experienced writer.

- You mean because of your fan fiction?

- What fan fiction?

The fan fiction you don't write

and I don't know about.

Exactly.

Okay, so a funny opener.

Oh, here's something hilarious

that happened.

My horrid neighbor

accidentally electrocuted herself.

Why aren't you writing this down?

Good morning.

Oh, Ruby, you look nice today.

Thank you.

That's so sweet. Thanks so much.

Okay. Uh, Luna, heard you went home

with a hat last night.

Yes, we slept together.

It was a beret, so it was rude, but sexy.

In the morning, it read me poetry

and left without showering.

Typical beret.

- Ellis sent this sequence.

- He's right. It's beautiful.

For all of his many, many flaws,

of which there are many,

my dad is pretty good at science.

We should start on it.

I heard the board needs to see something

by next month or sh*t's going down.

Then let's get started.

I hid your favorite almond milk

in the fridge

so Larry doesn't finish it again.

That's so sweet.

You didn't have to do that.

- We should get to work.

- Yeah, I'm gonna grab a cup of coffee.

You're doing great.

So

Last night was nice.

It was nice. Yeah.

This morning sucked though.

Oh yeah?

- I want to hear more about that.

- Okay.

Um,

this professor that I really looked up to

used me to get to my dad.

I'm sorry. That does suck.

Sometimes it's hard to know who to trust.

I know that this sounds ridiculous,

but it's really nice

to have someone to talk to about it.

Uh-huh.

- How's it going in there?

- I'm his g*dd*mn girlfriend now.

Oh.

Here's your egg sandwich.

Rosa gave us extra cheese.

She's got a thing for you.

But it can never be.

I love my wife.

However, I will accept the extra cheese.

What's going on with all the guys?

They seem super excited.

Are we getting good manure

with chicken sh*t?

Even better. It's tree trimming day.

And that means Eduardo.

A modern-day warrior ♪

Mean, mean stride ♪

Today's Tom Sawyer ♪

Mean, mean pride ♪

Though his mind is not for rent ♪

Don't put him down as arrogant ♪

Who is that?

That is Eduardo. He's a master.

A once-in-a-generation tree trimmer.

The river ♪

I will take good care of you.

They say he once traveled all the way

to Montecito to trim Oprah's jacarandas.

I heard his pruning skills once brought

a sycamore back from the dead.

What you say about ♪

I want to do that.

My friend, you will never do that.

None of us will.

We're only here

to collect Eduardo's fallen branches.

I don't want to collect Eduardo's fallen

branches. I want to do what he does.

Of course you do. But these dreams

can only live in a man's heart.

- But

- Silence!

The song begins.

Hey, I was looking at Ellis's calculations

and I think I found something interesting.

Where's Jackson?

Jackson, your girlfriend's

looking for you.

- Luna!

- He's not here.

He went home for lunch.

That Jean woman booked an open mic

for them, so they need to practice.

That's exactly the type of evening he's

gonna expect me to go to. I can't do this.

You gave it a try. For an hour.

Still, if you're not ready, don't do it.

How do I end things with Jackson

without hurting his feelings?

You can't. Anyways,

I think it's more efficient

if we use strontium chloride

instead of calcium chloride.

I think you're right. Which is hard to say

'cause I want to focus on my thing.

- You should take this to Ellis.

- I don't know.

What if he feels undermined?

Why would I change what he sent down?

- You improved it.

- You never know how a boss is gonna react.

When I was an intern,

I found an error in my boss's math.

Two months later, he left his wife.

Yeah, those things might not be related.

No, they were.

He was working on a mathematical proof

of why he should be married to his wife.

Okay. Still,

you can't not advocate for yourself.

You can't protect someone

because you made their idea better.

You can't protect someone's son

to not hurt his feelings.

- That's also true.

- So we're both gonna be strong.

- And say what we need to say.

- Yes, we are.

- I'm terrified.

- So am I.

I hope you don't mind rehearsing in the

basement. The acoustics are wonderful.

Oh, I love subterranean sound.

I once played all night

in the tunnels beneath Paris.

It was so beautiful I could almost forget

I was standing in sewage.

What's with the fort?

My dad and his weird therapist friend,

Leslie, built that.

They go in there to tell secrets

and smoke cigars.

I think. I'm not sure.

There's no girls or sons allowed.

Leslie Clevenger?

The therapist the board hired?

Never kidnap a man who hates his life.

There's a good chance he'll never leave.

Except Tuesdays and Thursdays

for his water aerobics class.

Hang on. When you say "kidnap,"

you mean your dad's irresistible charisma

trapped Dr. Clevenger under his spell?

No.

I mean more of a throw a guy in a basement

and lock the door kind of thing.

Wow. Even for Ellis, that's a first.

Let's hope. Shall we?

And

I'm walkin' on sunshine, whoa-oh ♪

I'm walking on sunshine

And it's time to feel good ♪

I'm feeling good, I'm feeling life ♪

I love to live, I live Liv Tyler ♪

Hey, hey. We're rehearsing.

- And you sound great.

- Jeanie. Jean Sequence.

- Hi, Ellie.

- What are you doing here?

I gotta grab a chainsaw.

Oh, do either one of you do calligraphy?

You know, wait,

that's probably a little thirsty.

Um, hey, if you want to take a break,

I'll make lunch.

We can talk about that Irish dancer

you've been seeing.

I'd love to. That man is incapable

of moving the top half of his body,

but boy, the bottom half? Damn.

Hey, Dad, um, maybe you and I could

talk upstairs privately real quickly?

It's personal. It's about my underwear.

There's no way it's about his underwear.

It's not about my underwear.

Yes I knew it!

Is it about where all of our cheese went?

I tried to make a sandwich today,

and it was very demoralizing.

Leslie loves cheese but can't eat it.

He dumped it all in the toilet.

In the toilet? Why?

So he wouldn't be tempted.

He even made a rhyme up about it.

I think it was,

"Garbage cheese, retrieve it fast.

Toilet cheese, yuck, I'll pass."

I'm starting to see the downside

of having him here.

You know he had people over

again last night.

He called it a "salon," but all they did

was get drunk and wrestle in the library.

I know.

One of his friends got his head stuck

in your vintage Earth globe

and wore it home.

But, no, I want to talk to you about Jean.

You want to get out of that open mic?

I think that's wise.

What? No.

- You have a huge gravitational pull.

- Thank you.

To be clear, this is a complaint.

People get pulled away

from my life and into yours.

It's like this morning

with Professor Carlisle.

I thought he was reaching out to me,

but he was using me to get to you.

No, no, no, no, no. He was in a jam.

He lost his commencement speaker,

and it was between me and Rudy Giuliani.

Do you really hate your school that much?

Jean is one of the few people

I know isn't using me to get to you.

I don't want you to pull her away.

Jean loves you, Jackson.

But I can be her friend too.

No one likes a Jean hog.

Right, but we were

in the middle of something,

and then you came in

and it was all about you.

You're like the sun.

People get sucked into your orbit.

Do you really think so? The sun's awesome.

It shines bright,

and it helps things grow.

You're a child. I knew

I should've chosen something else.

- But I hear you.

- Thank you.

I'm gonna ignore it.

Because I am who I am,

and most people think that is pretty cool.

How about this?

"Congratulations, graduates."

"Until now, you've been surrounded

by people who've cared about you."

"Teachers, parents."

"Some of you might've even had friends."

"But that all ends today because

the real world is ruthlessly indifferent."

"No one cares about you

or your suffering."

Okay. All of that is super awesome.

What if we do exactly that

because it's great

but make it a little more upbeat?

- You don't think this is working?

- I'm not saying that.

- You are saying that, so say it.

- Okay, I'm saying that.

- How dare you?

- I'm sorry. You're right.

You don't really think I'm right.

Hold your position.

I think graduates need more encouragement.

- You're wrong.

- I agree.

- You don't agree, so say you disagree.

- I disagree.

- With me or with you?

- I don't know what words to say.

With you.

Change of plans.

I was wrong about the strontium chloride.

Great. Now you don't have to tell Ellis

you bested him.

I get to put the proteins

in the cryo-freezer,

which means my complexion

is gonna look amazing.

No, I mean I was wrong

about how right I was.

It turns out my idea totally disrupts

Ellis's whole thesis.

I'm deleting my work.

You can't, remember?

We decided we're not in the business

of protecting people's feelings.

You're gonna tell Jackson

you don't wanna be in a relationship.

That's enough heroic female truth

for a day.

Actually, I decided not to do that.

He had kind of a bad morning,

so I'm gonna wait a day or so.

Huh.

How long before you gave me sh*t

about wimping out

did you decide you were also wimping out?

A couple of hours.

Hey.

Ooh! You won't believe what happened

with my dad and Jean.

I can't do this.

I'm gonna be in the cryo-freezer.

Seemed a bit harsh, no?

I'm sorry. I'm busy preserving

your dad's ego right now.

Do you also need help?

Nope.

Hey, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm putting away a vial.

I think I can handle it.

- Oops, maybe not.

- Oh, I got it. I got it.

- There it is.

- Thank you.

So I'm kind of going through a lot

right now with my dad,

and it's just not a good time

for me to be in a relationship.

Wait, you are breaking up with me?

I wouldn't say a break-up.

We went on two dates.

Right, but just to be clear,

you were getting serious about me.

- If you say so.

- You brought me a pastry from far away.

You mean my scone that you ate?

Sorry. Is this a sex thing?

It's freezing cold. We're in giant coats.

I don't wanna know the details.

I'll turn around.

You don't have to turn around.

Well, I can't leave.

I'm hiding from Anna.

Why are you hiding from Anna?

You forgot the other vial of protein.

I didn't want to let it thaw.

I don't want to have to spend another day

feeding human livers into the liver press.

- What are you doing here?

- He's hiding from Anna. We don't know why.

Anna's psychologically torturing me.

Luckily she went to get a juice,

so I ran away.

Just tell her

you don't like how she's treating you.

You have to be honest with people.

before you're trapped in a freezer

and blindsided by their honesty.

I think you shouldn't challenge a boss,

even if you discovered a better idea.

There's an upside to cowardice.

It's why there's so many cowards.

That's terrible advice.

Definitely, but it works for me.

- I'm just gonna put this away.

- Oh. Yeah.

Yep.

This is exactly what I tell my boyfriend

never happens at work.

Mm-hmm.

Christ, you're all in here.

- Is this a sex thing?

- We're putting protein away.

That's a rather clinical way

of putting it, but okay.

- Malcolm, come on, we're not done.

- How did you find me?

- I tracked your badge.

- You guys can do that?

No.

Come on. Unless you want to work in here.

The cold is great for my skin.

Oh, right? The pain is so worth it.

No. We can go.

Malcolm. Just stand up to her.

You got this.

Malcolm!

Well, I'm gonna head out too.

Okay. Now this is exactly what

my boyfriend hopes happens at work.

Hmm.

You should tell Brian to focus

on his own erotic workplace tableaux.

He works from home.

By the way, I also think

we should cool things between us.

- Oh, okay. Good.

- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, because there's obviously a vibe.

- Obviously.

- Yeah.

But we work together,

so a lot can go wrong.

- A lot.

- Mm-hmm.

So we are back to where we started.

Just friends.

Just friends.

You got me down on my knees ♪

Oh no. I was worried this would happen.

And it is.

Please, Ellis. Do not climb that tree.

I must.

There is beauty in observing

the greatness around you,

instead of just the greatness within you.

I'm sorry. I can't accept that.

I can do this.

I got this.

And now you must learn.

Little help? Oh God!

Never mind. I got it.

Didn't drop the chainsaw this time.

Good for you.

Finding victory where there is none.

Oh my God. I see it now.

All men live in the shadow of other men.

"The dictionary defines pain

as physical suffering,

but it's more than that."

I'm gonna stop you.

- Are you sure?

- I think so.

I I mean yes.

Your stuff is all too negative.

- You know nothing.

- Also, you're being mean to me.

- No, I'm not. And I don't care.

- Why do you treat me like this?

- Because I worry about you, okay?

- What?

When I was young, my dad left,

and my mother, unfortunately, didn't.

Instead, she jumped into

a very committed relationship with vodka.

And so, at age 12,

I basically had to raise

my little sisters and my brother on my own

while simultaneously appearing as Maria

in The Sound of Music

in a local amateur production.

And I learned very quickly

that the world is a frightening place,

and if they were going to be safe,

then I'd have to learn to be tough.

Wow. Every villain has an origin story.

I mean every person.

My point is

toughness is what kept me alive.

And when I look at you,

I worry that if you don't toughen up,

the world's gonna grind you into a sausage

and make a broth with whatever is left.

Sorry, that was brutal,

but you did call me a villain.

So you put me through all this

just because you were worried about me?

Exactly.

Plus, it's fun for me.

Oh, maybe I am a villain.

Hey. You wanted to see me?

- Son, I do want to see you. Always.

- You're really winding up to something.

I walked a mile

in your shoes today, Jackson.

I lived in the shadow of a god.

You almost made it through a whole day

without comparing yourself to a god.

I am not a god.

But I learned something as I was lying

on the ground, looking up at Eduardo.

Who's that? Nope. Nope.

I'm not gonna slow you down.

I experienced how hard it must be

for you to live in my shadow.

You have an important relationship

with Jean.

It should just be yours.

I am going to back off

and take my shadow with me.

Thank you. I appreciate that.

And I also realized how Professor Carlisle

used you to get to me.

So I won't speak at the commencement

if you don't want.

I appreciate that.

Oh, come on. I gave you the Jean thing.

I fell out of a tree.

Let me speak.

It doesn't cost you anything.

Oh my God.

Do the speech. You're unbelievable.

Thank you. I'll mention you in it

if it makes sense. I'm not gonna force it.

Okay, can't wait to see what you land on.

What's happening?

It must have been cold there

In my shadow ♪

Without any sunlight on your face ♪

You were content to let me shine

That's your ♪

Hey, Luna.

- Hey, boss. You wanted to see me?

- Please, sit down.

So I read your deleted work

in today's lab report.

You can read our deleted work?

That totally undermines the definition

of the word "deleted."

- What happened, Luna? Why'd you do it?

- I went rogue with a dumb idea.

A dumb idea,

or an idea that was better than mine,

and you were worried about how I'd react?

So you can read our deleted work

and our thoughts?

Luna, we only want big swings here.

It's the only way

we're ever gonna discover anything new.

I don't want my son living in my shadow,

and I don't want you stifled by it either.

Thank you.

That's really good bossing, boss.

Don't ever let your fear

of someone's reaction stop you.

If something's right, it's right.

And if it's wrong,

no matter how much you pretend,

it's never gonna be right.

Yeah.

Why should I apologize

for wanting to go dance

or for coming home with a hat and fork?

I don't understand the context,

but I feel like you're embracing my point,

so I agree.

Hey, how'd it go with Jackson?

We decided we're better off as friends.

It was totally mutual.

I don't even remember who said it first.

So he said it first?

- Yeah. How'd it go with Ellis?

- I have to break up with Brian.

Oh my God, it went that well?

No, he just said some stuff about

being fearless and doing what's right,

and I know Brian's not right for me.

Luna.

I'm gonna be home all night.

Call me, okay?

Okay.

"The world is a brutal place,

but there is always room for hope."

"But don't let the search for hope

make you weak."

"Also, don't be so cautious

that you don't let in love."

"But be somewhat cautious

because love can betray you."

- It's a little wishy-washy, no?

- My stuff works.

Forget the speech.

I know what I'm gonna say.

See?

This is the perfect lesson for you.

You can't count on anything.

Sometimes you climb a tree.

Sometimes you fall out of a tree.

And what I've learned recently is that,

in the journey of life,

climbing and falling are the same thing.

Just in different speeds

and different directions.

I wish I could be like him.