01x02 - Lovers' Spat

[bunniefuu]

[UPBEAT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING]

- This is perfect.

- [CHUCKLES]

Um, okay, so, I normally don't say

this on the first time with boys,

and by "boys" I mean men or guys,

uh, male-presenting people of age. Um.

But I would just like to

put it out there that, um,

I'm fine if this is like,

uh, a one-night thing,

and if it's [STAMMERS]

more than one night,

that I'm also fine.

So, yeah.

And what would, uh,

your take on this be?

I don't think this is just one night.

So two nights?

Melissa, you are gorgeous and

funny, and you're a doctor.

Maybe it's two nights. Maybe three.

I mean, who knows? Maybe

Maybe we'll be together forever.

But, for now, can we just

take it one moment at a time?

- Yeah.

- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I'm great at that.

So, yeah. Wow. Okay. So, mm, two nights?

Could be two nights. Could be forever.

Could be, you know, anything in between.

- Um, sorry, I'm ruining it.

- Mm-hmm.

- I'm ruining it. Mm-hmm. [CHUCKLES]

- Mm-hmm.

I don't understand.

Why couldn't we cross?

- I mean [SIGHS]

- What?

Look, this whole thing is insane.

I'm still trying to wrap

my head around all of it.

But apparently, according to the

leprechaun, this isn't true love.

So [STAMMERS]

you don't really love me?

I didn't say that. Of course I love you.

Then what are you saying?

I'm not saying anything,

but apparently some cosmic

verdict has been reached,

and we failed. That's all.

So you're ready to give up on us

because of what a leprechaun said?

No, stop. I am just trying to

figure out how to get out of here

and get back to reality.

But not together.

We already tried together.

[CHUCKLES] So, what? Wait, you

wanna try with other people?

- [STAMMERS]

- [MUSIC STARTS]

[JOSH] Oh, no. No, no,

no. Please, no song.

I'll do anything.

Yeah, guys, we're actually

in the middle of som

Ooh ♪

You can't plow a field ♪

Without hitting some stones ♪

- Every steak's bound to have some fat ♪

- [CHORUS VOCALIZES]

- [WOMAN] You can't eat a fish ♪

- [CHORUS] Fish ♪

- Without getting some bones ♪

- Bones ♪

- And ya can't have love ♪

- Can't have love ♪

- Without having a lovers' spat ♪

- Lovers' spat ♪

Would you leave us

alone for just a minute?

Seriously, please?

First she says something ♪

Bound to get his gander ♪

Then he says something mean ♪

To get her back ♪

Then she complains ♪

That he don't understand her ♪

And then he gives her a smack ♪

No! Oh, no, that's not okay.

[STAMMERS] Unless it's consensual.

It's just a love, love, lovers' spat ♪

Just 'cause you're feudin' ♪

Don't mean that you're concludin' ♪

It's as plain, plain, plain as that ♪

It's only a lovers' spat ♪

First he says: ♪

Yeah, I'm I'm not doing this.

Then she says: ♪

Oh, what a surprise. You

don't want to talk about it.

Then he says: ♪

Um, what is that supposed to mean?

Then she says: ♪

It's not supposed to mean

anything. I said what I meant.

Then he says: ♪

I can't do this with

all these people around.

Then she says: ♪

Oh, you can't do this, period.

Every gal and feller ♪

Are bound to have a yeller ♪

- We have to get out of here.

- Yeah, yeah.

Eve and Adam frolicked in the garden ♪

Living there was

such a sweet delight ♪

Come on!

Till Adam, he said ♪

"Madam, beg your pardon ♪

But my apple's missing a bite" ♪

They had a ♪

Love, love, lovers' spat ♪

Just 'cause you're wranglin' ♪

Don't mean that you're untanglin' ♪

It's as plain, plain, plain as that ♪

It's only a lovers' spat ♪

First she says: ♪

So what's the plan, Josh?

Look for someone new?

Then he says: ♪

I'm not having a discussion

that's part of a musical number.

Then she says: ♪

Why won't you just answer the question?

Then he says: ♪

Fine. Yes. If it's a

way to get out of here.

Then she says: ♪

I knew it. I knew it!

Then he says: ♪

[GROANS]

It's like if The Walking

Dead was also Glee.

- You watched Glee?

- I was aware of it.

- It's just a ♪

- [MELISSA GASPS]

Love, love, lovers' spat ♪

Holy sh*t.

Just 'cause you bicker ♪

Don't mean that you'll end quicker ♪

It's as plain, plain, plain as that ♪

It's only a lovers' spat ♪

When he puts her on the spot ♪

And she spits out of spite ♪

They're a kettle and a pot ♪

Both convinced they're right ♪

And they think it's all for naught ♪

Then they kiss ♪

Good night ♪

Do you think this is true love?

What?

Do you think this, you

and me, is true love?

[INHALES] You don't?

You don't. Okay. Good to know.

What does that even mean, true love?

It's like you've got this perfect

idea of what love is supposed to be.

Maybe that doesn't even exist.

Just because something is hard

doesn't mean it's unattainable.

It takes work. But clearly

you're not willing to do that.

You know what? I'm done. It's over.

- Mel.

- No, I mean it!

We're officially broken up now.

You're free to find true love with

whoever you want. 'Cause this is it.

The end. And And you suck.

And I hate you. And I hope you die.

- Mel.

- Stop saying "Mel."

You sound like a freaking idiot.

That's how you end a lovers' ♪

How you end a lovers' ♪

Spat ♪

[MUSIC ENDS]

[BREATHING SHAKILY]

[MELISSA SNIFFS]

Miss Melissa.

Oh, Mr. Mayor. I'm

I'm sorry, I was just

Are you okay? Have you been crying?

Um

Come here. What's wrong?

Nothing you need to worry about.

I am the mayor. I worry about

everything that happens in Schmigadoon.

Now, what's the trouble?

Josh and I broke up.

Oh, no. You sure it

wasn't just a lovers' spat?

Yes, it wasn't a lovers' spat.

It's over. It's actually over.

Oh, Melissa, I am so sorry.

I really thought he was the one.

But I guess I don't know.

I know it hurts right now,

but that won't last forever.

Soon you'll forget all about Josh

and find somebody new. Somebody better.

It's not that easy.

I didn't say it would be easy.

But it will happen. I'm certain of it.

[MUSIC STARTS]

Somewhere love is waiting for you ♪

Someday it will come right on cue ♪

Just as every morning ♪

The sun comes into view ♪

Somewhere love is waiting for you ♪

Oh, am I supposed to si

And when you find him ♪

Bells won't be ringing ♪

No angels singing ♪

To lead you to him ♪

For when you find him ♪

A little voice ♪

Leaves you no choice ♪

But to pursue him ♪

Then he'll smile at you ♪

Place your hand in his ♪

And at once you'll know ♪

What contentment is ♪

Then he'll hold you close ♪

In his strong, tanned arms ♪

And your heart's a fire ♪

Setting off alarms ♪

At last the love that was forbidden ♪

No longer must be hidden ♪

Somewhere love is waiting for ♪

You ♪

Mr. Mayor, are you are you gay?

I try to be.

Schmigadoon's motto is,

"We always strive for

peace and happiness."

So I try to be an example of joy

and gaiety for the folks in town.

But sometimes it's not so easy.

Life can be so hard.

I guess this is the place I

come to when I want to be gay

but I can't.

Oh.

Mr. Mayor, I'm I'm sorry, I

Oh, look at me going on and on

when I'm the one who's

supposed to be comforting you.

You have. I do feel better.

Good. Because you know what?

Everyone in Schmigadoon

deserves to find true love.

Yeah. They do.

Here's to finding true love.

[THUDS]

[MUSIC STARTS]

- Oh, a reprise.

- Mm.

Somewhere love is waiting for ♪

You ♪

- [THUD]

- [MAN] Ow!

Sorry, Pete.

You ♪

Well, hey there, Mr. Skinner.

Hey, uh, uh, Betsy is it?

Oh, you remembered.

And these are my

sisters, Laurey, Carrie,

Nellie, Fiona, Cindy,

and that is little Tootie.

Is this the fella who said the

joke about sleeping like a log?

That is him.

Oh, say it again. Please.

What, that I slept like a log?

I told you he was funny.

I'm so sorry to hear about you

splitting up with Miss Melissa.

Though I do suppose that means

you'll be looking for a

basket to bid on tonight.

- Oh, no. No, I [STAMMERS] I

- [GASPS]

I mean, uh [STAMMERS]

What What, uh

What What basket?

Well, tonight's the annual

picnic basket auction

to raise money to buy

books for the library.

And replace the ones the

reverend's wife b*rned.

Every gal in town makes up a picnic

basket to auction off

to the men in town,

and the highest bid gets the basket

plus dinner with the gal who made it.

And maybe a little something

special for dessert.

Though it is a secret

whose basket's whose,

so [SIGHS] even

if someone wanted to,

he would have no way of

knowing which basket was mine.

So what do you say, Mr.

Skinner? Are you coming tonight?

- Oh, yes. Please come. You have to.

- [TOOTIE] Oh, yes. Please come.

Okay. Okay. All right, I'll

come. I'll come. All right?

For the library. All right?

And actually, it's, uh, Dr. Skinner.

Dr. Skinner? Oh, my.

All right, get outta here, y'all.

These chairs ain't

gonna set up themselves.

- [GIRLS GIGGLING]

- [FIONA] Bye, Dr. Skinner.

Nice to meet you.

My basket will be

waiting for you tonight.

It'll be wrapped in a

pink, velvety ribbon,

and it will smell like

peaches and sweet cream.

I'll see you tonight.

Okay. [CLEARS THROAT]

- Hey.

- Hey.

What are you, selling popcorn now?

I just thought maybe I'd stop by

this, uh, basket auction thing.

You're going to the basket auction?

We broke up, like, two hours ago,

and now you're going

to the basket auction

where men are bidding

on women like livestock.

Well, it's [STAMMERS]

It's for the library.

Oh, let me guess. You're bidding

on the Rhodes scholar waitress

who thought "slept like

a log" was hilarious.

I just think I think

it's the way I said it.

You are so predictable. Whatever.

Go have fun with your teenage cliché.

She's not a teenager.

And I'm just trying to get

out of here. Aren't you?

Yeah, I'm trying as hard as I can.

Ooh, if only I'd known the secret

was just laughing at everything you say.

Mel, be fair.

- [LAUGHING] Oh.

- You know, you're stuck here too.

I'm not suggesting this

for the actual world,

but since we're both

stuck in this world,

maybe you should make your own basket.

Oh, really? So I can be bought

by some man with four teeth.

No, thank you.

Okay. I hope you like it here.

Now if you'll excuse me

I got a basket to win.

Hey, cool hat.

You wish you had this hat.

Oh, good one.

[LISPING] It's the

picnic basket auction.

[TOWNSPEOPLE CHATTERING]

- See, 'cause they [LAUGHS]

- [CHUCKLES]

Whoa, you're not gonna

wanna drink that, missy.

That there's the gentlemen's punch bowl.

It's got alcohol in it.

Oh.

Thank you for the

warning, Larry the Fireman.

It's time. It's time.

It's time for the auction.

Who is that kid?

What, is his job to announce everything?

That's Carson, Miss Tate the

schoolmarm's little brother.

Their parents are dead, so

she's had to raise him herself.

Poor kid's got no friends.

You know, on account of his

tongue being too big for his mouth.

- [GAVEL KNOCKS]

- [MENLOVE] All right, gentlemen,

time to loosen up those pockets and

raise some money for the library.

And replace all the books

that were recently destroyed.

- Because they were filthy.

- Filthy?

No, these were great

works of literature.

Chaucer, Voltaire, Balzac.

- Won't take a husband.

- All right. All right, enough prattling.

Now you all know the rules.

You're not supposed to know

which basket goes with which gal.

But, of course, if your

sweetheart's told you

what her basket looks like,

that ain't my business.

[MENLOVE, CROWD LAUGH]

So, is that gooseberry pie I smell?

What am I offered for this beauty?

Two bits from Preston. Three bits!

Four in the back from Barnaby.

Five bits. Thank you,

five. Six bits. Six bits.

Going once. Going twice.

Sold to Jeremiah in the front row.

- How much is a bit?

- Twelve and 1/2 cents.

Why's there a term for 12 and

1/2 cents? How's that helpful?

What do I hear for that one?

Two bits. Thank you, sir.

Three bits. Four bits. Five

bits. Six bits. Seven bits.

Sold to the gentleman

in the cap over there.

Sold to Uncle Otis in the third row.

Sold to Enoch from The Schmigazette.

Sold to Curly for five bits.

Sold to Marcellus for three bits.

All right, there's only one basket left.

And something tells me this

one's gonna be mighty popular.

What do I hear for this fine basket?

- Two bits!

- Four bits!

- Four bits, thank you, sir.

- Dang it.

- Six bits!

- Two dollars!

[MENLOVE] Two dollars? [LAUGHS]

Nobody's ever bid two dollars before.

[LAUGHS] Okay, two

dollars. Going once

Two dollars and two bits.

[CROWD GASPS]

I can't compete with that.

Well, it looks like this

basket is going to Henry

for two dollars and two bits.

Going once. Going twice.

Hold on there, Mr. Mayor.

- Twenty dollars.

- [CROWD GASPS]

Sold to the newcomer, Mr.

Skinner, there, for $20.

- That's Dr. Skinner. [CHUCKLES]

- [CHUCKLES]

Hey, I'm a doctor too, by the way.

But you're a lady.

[MENLOVE] I think we can all agree

this was the most successful picnic

basket auction we've ever had.

- That's

- [MENLOVE] Thanks to our bidders

All right, hold on.

Excuse me, I'm sorry.

Pardon me. Pardon me.

The auction is not over yet.

Well, Miss Melissa, you've

decided to make a basket?

No, no. I am the basket, baby.

- [CROWD GASPS, MURMURS]

- [MENLOVE LAUGHS]

I don't think you quite understand

how the picnic basket auction works.

Oh, no, I understand how it works, okay?

'Cause these horny sickos are

bidding on women like pieces of meat.

Okay.

- Well, guess what.

- All right.

This piece of meat has a brain.

And it is filled with

thoughts and ideas.

So let's get this party started.

Who wants to buy this meat basket? Ow!

Mel, please. Get down from there.

You get down from there.

Shut up. You're just jealous.

Oh, and by the way, where we

come from, $20 is like nothing.

It's like a medium pizza,

okay? So don't be all impressed.

Uh, okay. [CHUCKLES] So, um

let's start the bidding at two bits.

Do I hear two bits?

Two bits to start.

How about one bit? One bit

for the lovely Miss Melissa.

Mm-hmm.

Do I hear five cents?

Ah, we have five cents.

Actually, I just have a question.

I'm confused. Is there pie?

No, but you get something better.

- Cake?

- No.

A strong, independent woman who will

never accept less than

she deserves again.

Now who wants to buy me?

- [MENLOVE] Yes, Henry for five cents.

- No, I got a question too.

Would you be willing to bake

a pie? Say, at a future date?

No! There's no pies or no

preserves, okay? It's just me.

[MELISSA INHALES] But come on.

I'm attractive. I'm well educated.

I make good money. I

volunteer, or intend to.

Plus I'm fun. You shut up!

- You know I'm fun.

- What did

So come on. Let's bid already.

[MENLOVE] Come on, fellas.

It's for the library.

[MAN] Two dollars.

[SWEEPING MUSIC PLAYS]

All I got in the world.

I have a bid from Danny

Bailey for two dollars.

Going once. Going twice. Sold!

Oh.

Did you see that?

This super-hot guy just bought

me for two dollars. Yeah.

Make it rain, Danny Bailey.

Well, that was fun.

Uh, obviously those signs at

the punch bowls don't work.

Good night, everybody.

You kept me in suspense

there a little bit.

[JOSH] Yeah.

I don't like those

two outsiders, Howard,

or their newfangled city ideas.

They don't belong here.

Oh, I don't know about that, Mildred.

I know you don't, that's

why I'm telling you.

They need to go.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]

- So, Danny Bailey.

- Guilty as charged.

Until proven innocent.

Or not guilty due to

plausible deniability.

Prosecution didn't do

their job. Mistrial.

[CHUCKLES] This is fun.

Are you having fun? We're having fun.

So much more fun than Josh

and that stupid waitress.

- Don't you think?

- I reckon so.

Say, what do you think

of that teddy bear?

Ugh, it's creepy.

- You want it?

- Yes.

- Are you gonna win it for me?

- Heck no.

You're a strong, independent woman.

You're gonna win it for yourself.

[SIGHS]

Uh, wait. Is this an actual g*n?

- It sure is.

- [GRUNTS]

Now, you're gonna want to place

your left hand on the barrel

while you position your

finger on the trigger.

Now, be careful.

This thing can go off if you stroke

it the right way, even gently.

So mind your grip and just remember

these things were built to explode.

- Uh, Danny.

- Yes, Melissa.

Um, this might be a bit complicated

because I am a bit tipsy

in the spectrum of consent,

but all I'm thinking right now

is how good your neck smells

and how I would throw my

mother in front of a bus

to get the chance to ride you.

You're a funny kid. What's a bus?

- [MELISSA GASPS]

- Oh.

- And the lady wins a prize. [CHUCKLES]

- Oh. [CHUCKLES]

- Wow.

- It's all yours, Melissa.

I mean, even, like [CHUCKLES]

how you use my name in a

sentence, it's limb-wobbling.

I'm not used to this, okay?

I'm generally pretty

level-headed and rational.

Well, yee honk.

- Yee honk?

- That's right.

I like women who can think for

themselves. But sometimes

you got to do less thinking.

- [JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

- How do you feel now?

Holy sh*t. Am I about to get a song?

My own song? [GASPS] I am!

When it comes to love and romance ♪

I've never left a thing to chance ♪

Stiffer than a froggy

in formaldehyde ♪

Now it's time to enjoy the ride ♪

Oh, it's in my range and everything.

What about plans you've made? ♪

Plans are for sissies ♪

I've heard you've never strayed ♪

Mm, just give me some kissies ♪

Always used to let ♪

My conscience be my guide ♪

Now it's time to enjoy the ride ♪

Whoo.

Effortless, effortless ♪

This is so effing effortless ♪

Ready to taste the things

I've never tasted ♪

Wow! Your pants are

really high-waisted ♪

What about being good? ♪

I wanna be bad now ♪

Doing the things you should? ♪

What are you, my dad now? ♪

Bring on all the fun ♪

That I have been denied ♪

Now it's time to enjoy the ride ♪

- [DANNY CHUCKLES]

- Ooh.

[BALLOON POPS]

[JAZZ MUSIC CONTINUES]

Oink, oink ♪

[BELL DINGS]

[RHYTHMICAL g*n sh*ts]

[BELL DINGS]

[BOTH] Yeah.

[MUSIC ENDS]

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

Whoa, this is, uh, some little hike.

- [EXHALES HEAVILY]

- Well, I thought it'd be good to get away.

Especially from that

heartless Miss Melissa.

Oh, let's not talk about Miss Melissa.

Oh, you poor thing.

I mean, you must really be hurting.

But don't you worry. Betsy

is gonna make it all better.

Would you like that?

Yes. Yes, I would.

Oh, I just love this place.

The high school kids

call it "Virginity Ruins."

It's where they all come

to, you know, "picnic."

[LAUGHS] Not that I've

been here before. Tee-hee.

Uh, well, if if you

had been here before,

it would've been a long time ago

because it was way back

when you were in high school.

Am I right?

Oh, look! There's the

swing I used to swing on

the summer that I turned 14.

[GASPS] Oh, it seems like

that was only yesterday.

But it wasn't, right?

Oh, and over yonder,

there's the special tree that my

papa planted the day that I was born.

Oh, no.

You are really young.

Look, Betsy, I feel like it's a

good time to set some ground rules

in terms of what's gonna

happen between us tonight.

- [JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS]

- [BETSY GASPS] Why, Dr. Skinner,

what makes you think anything's

gonna happen between us?

You know, I think you have

the wrong idea about me.

Other girls flirt and talk romance ♪

Soon as they see a pair of pants ♪

When the sun goes down ♪

They let their morals slide ♪

But I'm gonna wait till I'm a bride ♪

[CHUCKLES] That's great to hear,

Betsy, 'cause here's the thing.

You are way too youn

Other girls like to show their skin ♪

Gettin' a boy's mind set on sin ♪

Willing to do things ♪

That I have never tried ♪

Cause I'm gonna wait

till I'm a bride ♪

Okay, I'm kinda getting

some mixed messages here.

Baby, you're much too much ♪

I'm losing my senses ♪

Hoping you still got touch ♪

There go my defenses ♪

Baby, don't you wanna ♪

Find out what's inside? ♪

Yes.

Now it's time to enjoy ♪

The ride ♪

[MUSIC ENDS]

But then again, why wait?

[g*n COCKS]

Papa!

You better start proposing, son.

[JAZZ MUSIC FLOURISHES, FADES]

First she says something ♪

Bound to get his gander ♪

Then he says something mean ♪

To get her back ♪

Then she complains ♪

That he don't understand her ♪

And then he gives her a smack ♪

[SMACKING SOUND]

It's just a love, love, lovers' spat ♪

Just 'cause you're feudin' ♪

Don't mean that you're concludin' ♪

It's as plain, plain, plain as that ♪

It's only a lovers' spat ♪

First he says: ♪

Then she says: ♪

Every gal and feller ♪

Are bound to have a yeller ♪

Eve and Adam frolicked in the garden ♪

Living there was

such a sweet delight ♪

Till Adam, he said ♪

"Madam, beg your pardon ♪

But my apple's missing a bite" ♪

They had a ♪

Love, love, lovers' spat ♪

Just 'cause you're wranglin' ♪

Don't mean that you're untanglin' ♪

[SONG FADES]