02x01 - Welcome to Schmicago

[bunniefuu]

[UPBEAT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[WEDDING GUESTS CHEERING]

And there's his little foot. [CHUCKLES]

- Any pain?

- Ow.

All right, well, that's

telling us something.

[LAUGHING]

All right, let's help

get you two pregnant.

There's her little foot.

- [SIGHS] Any pain?

- Ow.

- Ooh, I want pudding!

- [MELISSA SIGHS]

Did somebody say "corn puddin'"?

No, nobody said "corn puddin'."

Right. Yes, I know that. [CLEARS THROAT]

Yes, I [CHUCKLES]

I'm sorry. I Sorry.

Dr. Skinner, you said

you'd fix my son's knee.

Well, what do you say now?

Does that look like it's fixed?

- Hank, w we talked about this

- [HANK] Oh, no, no. No.

and I-I told you that there's

only a 50% chance surgery would help.

[HANK] Tell it to the judge,

'cause I'm suing your ass.

You're going to jail. Doctor jail.

Okay.

That's the foot.

There's two of 'em.

- [PATIENT] Ow!

- Any pain?

- Hello, Melissa!

- Hi, Mrs. Sliwinski.

How are you? I haven't

seen you in a while.

Oh, I've been in California,

visiting the grandkids.

One of them is gay now.

Oh, great.

So, it looks like you've got good news.

- Um

- Is it a girl or a boy?

Oh. [CHUCKLES] Neither. No,

I'm-I'm not pregnant, actually.

But we are we are trying.

Oh. Well, I [STAMMERING]

It's okay. [CHUCKLES]

Yes, well Have a good walk!

[SIGHS]

[CHILDREN PLAYING]

What's wrong?

[SMACKS LIPS] Oh, I don't know.

I just [SIGHS] It feels like

we should be happier, you know?

- [MELISSA] That's the foot.

- [PATIENT] Ow!

- [MELISSA] That's the foot.

- [PATIENT] Ow.

- [MELISSA] That's the foot.

- [PATIENT] Ow!

[MELISSA] That's the foot.

Unfortunately, this

cycle was not successful.

But we can always try again if you want.

[WEATHER FORECASTER] Looking

ahead [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

We can expect temperatures in the

high [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[FORECASTER CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

Hey.

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

So I was thinking,

and I know this sounds crazy

[INHALES SHARPLY] but what if we

- Yes.

- Yes?

[EXHALES SHARPLY] I really

hope we don't run into

anyone out here. We look insane.

Maybe we are insane.

I feel like this is around

where we saw the bridge.

Oh, yes! I think I remember this tree.

You remember this tree?

From two years ago?

I just really wanna find it.

No, I Don't worry, we

will find it. All right.

[EXHALES SHARPLY] I got

a really good feeling

about this direction.

- Totally. Yes. Me too. Yep.

- Yeah. Uh-huh.

Maybe we're not supposed

to find it again.

Maybe it's one of those places that

you only go once and never return.

Oh, like SoulCycle.

Not gonna lie,

I am seriously questioning

our wardrobe choice right now.

[PANTS] Yeah. But don't

give up. [EXHALES SHARPLY]

Yes! That's the Schmigadoon

spirit! [EXHALES SHARPLY]

[SIGHS] We're never gonna find it.

Schmigadoon, where are you?

[SIGHS]

We should head back before it gets dark.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

[THUDS]

What was that?

Oh, damn it.

[SIGHS] Yep.

Flat tire. Perfect.

Well, we've got a spare, right?

[SCOFFS] I don't know. I'm not

a car guy. You know that. I

- You don't have to be a car guy

- [ORGAN PLAYING]

- to know if we have a spare.

- Wait.

What's that?

Sounds like an organ.

[GASPS] It's music.

It's music.

Okay, let's not get

too excited, all right?

- [STAMMERS] But it's music! Come on!

- Yeah. Wh Yes.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[MELISSA] We made it! [GASPS]

[JOSH] "Schmicago"?

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

[ENSEMBLE] Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

What the

If your life is a bore ♪

And it's left you wanting more ♪

Leave your fancy degrees ♪

And your jobs and your cheese ♪

It's time to change

your point of view ♪

Schmiga-dee-do ♪

There's a world to explore ♪

With a thrill behind each door ♪

We got song, we got dance ♪

Lots of sex, no romance ♪

We've got it all and just for you ♪

Welcome to Schmicago ♪

Our fantastical farrago ♪

Mystery and magic ♪

Endings that are tragic ♪

Welcome to ♪

Schmicago ♪

Schmicago ♪

[GASPS] It's the mayor.

[LAUGHS] Hey, Mr. Mayor!

I don't think that's the mayor.

Honey, of course it is.

Mr. Mayor, it's Josh

and Melissa. We're back!

Stop it! Would you wave hello

to Sutton Foster in The Music Man

because you remember her

from Thoroughly Modern Millie?

I'm guessing no?

This is not Schmigadoon.

This is Schmicago.

Which means that is not the

mayor. It's someone else.

- [GROANS]

- Dreams of fame on the stage ♪

And revenge that's fueled by rage ♪

Women brimming with lust ♪

Men that you shouldn't trust ♪

And orphans that don't wanna die ♪

Schmig-a-dee-yi ♪

Quest for meaning in life ♪

And an end to all this strife ♪

Systems running on greed ♪

And good guys who succeed ♪

And also someone's gonna fry ♪

- Oh.

- [GASPS]

Welcome to Schmicago ♪

Our fantastical farrago ♪

- Look it up.

- [SCREAMS]

Mystery and magic ♪

Endings that are tragic ♪

Welcome to ♪

Welcome to ♪

Welcome to Schmicago ♪

Schmicago ♪

Schmicago ♪

Schmicago ♪

- Okay.

- I'm really into this.

- Yeah. Rein it in, pal. Please.

- Okay.

[ALL WHISPERING] Peas and

carrots. Peas and carrots.

Okay, what? I'm sorry. Can you

all not talk at once, please?

- Because we can't understand you.

- We're trying to understand

Welcome to Schmicago ♪

Our fantastical farrago ♪

Mystery and magic ♪

Endings that are tragic ♪

Welcome to ♪

Welcome to ♪

Welcome to ♪

Welcome to ♪

Welcome to ♪

Welcome to ♪

Welcome to ♪

Schmicago ♪

Schmicago ♪

Schmicago ♪

Schmicago ♪

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

[MUSIC STOPS]

Thank you! [LAUGHS] Thank you.

- Oh, so we Oh. Yeah.

- Yeah.

Thank you, ladies and

gentlemen. Aw, you're too kind.

No, really, thank you.

For this evening's diversion, we

present the tale of Josh and Melissa!

- [GASPS]

- [STAMMERS]

The story of a typical married couple

in the midst of a typical

existential crisis.

Here on a quest for the

most elusive of treasures.

Happiness. [CHUCKLES]

Who is he talking to?

Oh, s At one point,

a lot of musicals had narrators.

You know, like, instead of a story.

Ah. All right.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Go ahead.

Oh, really? Do I have your permission?

- Uh-oh. Oh, he's peppery.

- Oh.

No, don't piss off the narrator.

Josh and Melissa attempted to find

the answer by returning to Schmigadoon,

but as we all know, you can

never return to Schmigadoon.

So now our heroes,

lost and disoriented and disappointed,

enter the city of Schmicago,

looking for a place to stay.

So clearly we're in the

next era of musicals here.

Chicago, Cabaret, Pippin.

Great. I haven't seen any of 'em.

[INHALES SHARPLY] I'm actually

less familiar with these shows too.

'Cause I I'm more into, like,

the earlier, happier ones, you know?

[INHALES SHARPLY] Probably

because of a bad experience

I had when I was eight.

My dad took me to Sweeney Todd.

- [Kn*fe SLASHING]

- [AUDIENCE GASPS]

[SCREAMS]

We left early.

But I do know that generally

these musicals are darker

with more sex and v*olence

and imperfect rhymes.

Imperfect rhymes?

Yeah. You know, like, when

you rhyme "time" with "fine."

Oh, well, come on. That

doesn't really matter.

It matters a lot.

- Yes, it does. I I can see that now.

- Mm-hmm.

Look. Hotel Schmicago.

Maybe we should stay here.

What?

You sure you wanna stay?

[STAMMERS] You don't?

I don't know. It's

just [INHALES SHARPLY]

I wanted Schmigadoon, you know?

A place with happy

people and bright colors

and songs about falling

in love and food. Not this.

Okay. But still, we're

in a magical land.

I mean, we-we made it.

And to be honest, I'm really vibing

more with this place, you know?

It's It's edgy, like me.

Mm-hmm. Hmm.

[CLEARS THROAT, STAMMERS]

Look, we've got true love.

We can leave whenever we want.

Let's just stay the night

and if you still don't like it,

w-we can go home tomorrow. Okay?

- Okay.

- Thank you.

But if this is about all the T & A

Hey, you have got the only T I wanna A.

- Yeah, that did not work.

- Mm-mmm.

- Forget I said it.

- Ooh, I wish I could.

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

[STAMMERS] Hello. Hey. Oh.

- [CHUCKLES]

- Hey. [CHUCKLES]

Uh, wow. Hey there. [INHALES SHARPLY]

Extremely blond person

th-that I've just met.

Uh, we'd like a room, please.

We're from, uh, out of town.

No kidding.

It's 50 cents an hour, cash.

- Uh

- Oh. No. [CHUCKLES] Uh, no, no, no.

We're We're actually

spending the night.

We need it for the whole night.

Three dollars, cash.

[JOSH] See? I was right

to get those singles.

[MELISSA] You're very smart.

There you are.

So [SIGHS] you two want a girl?

Hmm? Uh

You need my help to

answer that question?

No, no. I just, uh

[STAMMERS] No, thank you.

Really not interested in a three-way.

It's been hard enough to find one person

that I wanna sleep with. [LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLES] But she found him.

We're, uh We're married.

Just over a year now.

I'll drink to that!

Checkout is 10:00 a.m. sharp.

Thank you.

Have a nice evening.

All right. Um [STAMMERS] Yeah, yeah.

I mean, it'll be fun. It-It's

an adventure. [CHUCKLES]

Adventure?

This is like that season of

American Horror Story I gave up on.

Well, I don't know about you,

but I am ready to hit the

- [TOILET FLUSHING]

- [PEOPLE ARGUING ON THE STREET]

hay.

[SIGHS]

[MATTRESS COILS SQUEAKING]

Uh, yeah. Maybe we'll just

take turns sleeping standing up.

Sorry, have you got a cigarette,

darlings? I'm simply desperate.

Um.

Oh! You must be new.

Yes, well, we are always in and out

of each other's rooms here, darlings.

We can hardly keep track

of who sleeps where.

[INHALES SHARPLY] I'm

Jenny. Jenny Banks.

I'm Melissa. This is Josh.

Oh, I simply adore your

outfits. They're just marvelous.

What do you think of mine?

It was a gift from one of

my older gentleman friends.

I'm the most scandalous gold

digger, darlings. [SQUEALS]

Isn't it just deliciously decadent?

- I don't

- Uh

Ooh, we are going to become the

best of chums. I just know it.

And I have the most

spectacular people instincts.

I'm quite literally never wrong.

Madam Frau says that it's

because I'm an old soul.

And she should know. I mean, she's

practically 50, the old battle-a*.

Fifty's not that old.

How long were you two planning on

staying? I hope it's terribly long.

Uh, we-we are No,

we we are not sure.

Oh, no! But you simply

must stay forever.

We're going to have the most marvelous

time together, the three of us.

In fact, you must come to see

me perform at the club tonight.

I have a brand-new number, and

it's going to be just fabulous.

I'll just die if you don't come.

Promise me you're going to come.

Swear on your lives.

- Just say yes.

- Sure, we'll be there.

Oh, you are little dears. The

both of you. Mmm. [KISSING]

Okay, I will see you tonight. Au revoir.

Oh, I forgot. Do you

have a cigarette, darling?

- Nope.

- Sorry.

And, you know, actually, as

a singer, you shouldn't

See you tonight. Tschüss.

There's somebody else we don't

know from Schmigadoon. [CHUCKLES]

Are Are you joking? That was Betsy.

What?

That was Betsy. She just

changed her hair color.

Are you sure?

How are men in charge of anything?

KRATT KLUBB

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

[JOSH] 'Kay.

- Fun crowd. Mmm.

- Yeah.

- [UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS]

- Oh.

Do we shock you? ♪

Make you ill at ease? ♪

Do we offend ♪

Your tender sensibilities? ♪

There's no norm we won't transgress ♪

Look! There's a man ♪

And he's wearing a dress ♪

- Mm-hmm.

- Yeah. I mean,

I've literally seen every

season of Drag Race, so

Yeah, so

Do we scare you? ♪

Are you too refined? ♪

I'm into boys and girls ♪

Does that just blow your mind? ♪

Mmm.

Other girls get thanked and tipped ♪

Us, we just like ♪

To get spanked and whipped ♪

I wonder if the meat loaf's any good.

Does that shock you? ♪

We hope it shocks you ♪

'Cause we're really putting ♪

A lot of effort into it ♪

What do you think about this? ♪

I've got a tattoo.

- It's cool.

- Cool.

What do you think about that? ♪

I've experienced an

orgasm. A female one.

What do you think about? ♪

Does that shock you? ♪

We hope it shocks you ♪

'Cause we're really

putting a lot of effort ♪

Really putting a lot of effort ♪

Really putting a lot of effort ♪

Really putting a lot of effort ♪

Really putting a

lot of effort into it ♪

[MUSIC STOPS]

[CHUCKLES]

Danke! Danke! Danke! Merci ! Gracias.

Ankthay ouyay.

Emma?

Oh. Oh, her you recognize?

- Interesting.

- Mel

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen

[CLICKS TONGUE] to the Kratt Klubb.

Where you can escape all

your troubles out there

and enjoy the delights of our

beautiful cabaret girls in here.

Annie, Kate, Molly, Tessie,

Pepper, Duffy and Elsie.

Mmm.

Now go, change into something

less comfortable. Huh?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

- [LAUGHING]

- Okay.

You have to move. Now. Schnell.

This table is reserved for the owner.

- Oh, we didn't know that.

- [STAMMERS]

[OWNER] No, please don't get up.

[SERVER] I'm sorry, Mr.

Kratt. I was just moving them.

Nonsense, Madam.

I take it the two of

you are new to Schmicago.

Yes. We just got in today actually.

Then please join me as my guests.

- Oh. N

- [WHISPERING] Should Should we?

- I guess the three of us can squeeze.

- Get around the leg there. So

- That'll do, Madam Frau.

- [SIGHS]

Yes, Mr. Kratt.

I must apologize. Madam Frau

can be a little overzealous.

- [CHUCKLING] I don't Yeah.

- She's fine. She's great, actually.

Allow me to introduce myself.

My name is Kratt. Octavius Kratt.

Uh, nice to meet you, Mr. Kratt.

I'm Josh Skinner, and

Okay. This is my wife.

- M Melissa Gimble.

- Yeah.

- [JOSH] Oh.

- Delighted.

[INHALES SHARPLY] Yes, and

Wow. So you own this club?

- Yes. More of a hobby, really.

- [JOSH] Hmm.

- My true passion is power.

- Hmm?

Electricity.

- Ah. [CHUCKLES]

- Mmm.

Every single home and business

in Schmicago is powered

by a Kratt generating station.

- Oh, wow.

- Mmm. Wow.

As I like to say, every single

home and business in Schmicago

is powered by a Kratt

generating station.

- That's a good sentence.

- Mmm.

But I am also a great appreciator of art

- and beauty.

- [MELISSA] Oh.

Which is why I spend my evenings

here at the club. Which I own.

- Yeah, right. Yeah.

- You said that. Yes.

Do you have any theatrical

aspirations, my dear?

I'm always on the

lookout for new talent.

Me? Uh, no. Oh, no, no, no.

- I'm a I'm a doctor. An obstetrician.

- She's Mm-hmm.

Of course you are.

Really? Here too?

- I am so sorry.

- [MELISSA] Mmm.

If you'll excuse me.

I have to go powder my nose.

He seems nice.

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

- Mm-hmm.

- [CYMBAL CHIMES]

- Meine Damen und Herren.

Mesdames et messieurs.

Ladies and germs. [EXCLAIMS]

I give you the beautiful, the charming,

the international

sensation, Jenny Banks!

- Hey!

- [UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS]

Back when I was

summering in Brussels ♪

I fell in love with

Martin and his muscles ♪

My heart got pumping ♪

Every time he flexed ♪

[KISSES]

It's fair to say ♪

That I was overcome

by what came next ♪

Turns out He wasn't

all that strong in bed ♪

And that is when I

turned to him and said ♪

We've gone kaput ♪

Now we're kaput ♪

Once our desire burnt like a fire ♪

But now there's nothing left but soot ♪

We had a laugh or two ♪

But now the laughter is through ♪

My dear, I fear that we're kaput ♪

Once I took a lover up in Munich ♪

Who made my prior

beau Look like a eunuch ♪

Soon we were making romance ♪

'Round the clock ♪

But soon, alas I tired

of his cockamamie talk ♪

You see the man had

nothing in his head ♪

And so one night I'd

had enough and said ♪

We've gone kaput ♪

Now we're kaput ♪

Your rear's sublime

but now it's time ♪

It got a visit from my foot ♪

We had a fine affair ♪

But please get out of mein hair ♪

My dear, I fear it's

clear that we're kaput ♪

All right.

We've gone kaput ♪

We've gone kaput ♪

Now we're kaput ♪

Now we're kaput ♪

Once our desire burnt like a fire ♪

But now there's nothing left but soot ♪

We had a fine affair ♪

But please get out of mein hair ♪

My dear, I fear that we're kaput ♪

[DANCERS] Kaput ♪

Kaput ♪

Kaput ♪

Kaput ♪

[MUSIC STOPS]

Whoa! Wow! [CHUCKLES]

So that's Betsy?

- Okay. You stop.

- All right. [CHUCKLES]

- I actually need to go powder my nose too.

- Mm-hmm.

- [CHUCKLES] Oh. Okay.

- Hmm. I'll be right back.

- [PHONE RINGING]

- What?

Hello?

[MELISSA GASPING]

N Okay. No.

Just the bathroom?

Miss, can you hear me?

Miss, can you hear me?

Hey, Josh, we got

What? What happened?

What? No. Uh, I just came

in. I-I found her like

- Is she

- She's dead.

- [SCREAMS] m*rder!

- [JOSH] No, wait!

- We gotta get the hell out of here.

- Yes, but what about her?

She's dead. There's nothing

else we can do for her.

But you have blood on your

hands and someone just saw you.

And this is not the kind

of musical I wanna be in.

Oh. All right. [STAMMERS]

Oh, sh*t. [GASPS] What about the

flat? Can we drive on the rim?

Again, not a car person.

Just let's get across the

bridge and we'll figure it out.

Hurry up! Hurry up! Hurry up!

- I'm hurrying!

- [ENGINE SPUTTERING]

What Well, what's happening?

What is What is that?

- It's dead.

- [GASPS]

[GRUNTS] Let's take a look here. Um

- [LAUGHING]

- [SCREAMS]

- [JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

- [LAUGHING]

What the hell?

Schmicago welcomes your return ♪

But it seems ye both

have more to learn ♪

For though 'tis true

ye found true love ♪

That isn't all ye have need of ♪

- Ugh.

- Oh, God.

So now it's here ♪

Your lives ye'll spend ♪

Until ye've made a ♪

What?

happy end ♪

[MUSIC STOPS]

- Wh No. [STAMMERS] Come back!

- No! Wha

- This

- It's not helpful! It's not helpful!

Are you kidding me? [SIGHS]

"A happy end"? What does that even mean?

I don't know. But what I do know

is I hate that freaking leprechaun.

How are we supposed to make

a happy ending in this place?

'Cause these musicals

don't have happy endings.

And even if they did, I

hate to state the obvious,

but we are not the people to

orchestrate anything involving happiness.

- We're miserable.

- We're miserable.

- [ALARM SOUNDS]

- [MELISSA] Oh, no.

We got We gotta

get across this bridge.

- But the leprechaun said

- The cops are coming,

and I literally have blood

on my hands. We have to try.

Just, um, I don't know.

[STAMMERS] Think happy thoughts.

I can't. That's why we're here.

Okay, uh, maybe if we tried smiling?

Ah, sh*t.

- Come on.

- Oh.

- [OFFICER] Hands up!

- [BOTH] Oh!

Don't move.

Is that him?

Josh Skinner, you're under arrest

for the m*rder of Elsie Vale.

What? No, I-I didn't k*ll

her. I just found the body.

Th-This is crazy. He didn't do it.

Sarge, look at this.

- Why was that in our car?

- I have no idea.

Well, well, well. Looks like

we found us a m*rder w*apon.

Okay, that is not mine.

- No, it's not. We are both very anti-g*n.

- Mm-hmm.

- Josh is actually afraid of g*ns.

- Well, I'm not afraid of them.

My dad took you to the sh**ting range.

I just was really surprised

at how loud it was,

okay? It was super loud.

- [MELISSA] He was crying for a couple h

- [JOSH] I was not crying.

- Quiet! Put him in the wagon.

- [JOSH GASPS]

- Wait. No, no. Where are you taking him?

- Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

Where he belongs. Jail.

- Josh!

- [DOOR SLAMMING]

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

Mystery and magic ♪

Endings that are tragic ♪

Welcome to ♪

Schmicago ♪

We've gone kaput ♪

Now we're kaput ♪

Once our desire burnt like a fire ♪

But now there's nothing left but soot ♪

We had a laugh or two ♪

But now the laughter is through ♪

My dear, I fear that we're kaput ♪

Once I took a lover up in Munich ♪

Who made my prior

beau look like a eunuch ♪

Soon we were making romance ♪

'Round the clock ♪

But soon, alas I tired

of his cockamamie talk ♪

You see the man had

nothing in his head ♪

And so one night I'd

had enough and said ♪

We've gone kaput ♪

We've gone kaput ♪

- Now we're kaput ♪

- Now we're kaput ♪

Once our desire burnt like a fire ♪

But now there's nothing left but soot ♪

We had a fine affair ♪

But please get out of mein hair ♪

My dear, I fear that we're kaput ♪

Kaput ♪