01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

(KEYBOARD CLICKING)

CLARE: Dear Sugar,

I've never written a fan letter before,

but I read your advice column religiously.

Probably because given the state of my life,

I could use some advice.

Where they at? Where they at?

Where they at? Where they at? ♪

Where they at? Where they at?

Where they at? Come on now ♪

If you wanna go and take a ride with me ♪

- (CLARE SINGING ALONG)

- We three-wheeling

in the fo' with the gold D's ♪

Oh, why do I live this way? ♪

- CLARE: Hey, must be the money ♪

- Hey, must be the money ♪

- (CLARE SINGING ALONG)

- If you wanna go and get high with me ♪

- (CLARE SINGING ALONG)

- Smoke an L

in the back of the Benz-E ♪

(CLARE HUMMING)

Oh, must be the money ♪

ELLEN: Which house is it again, dear?

- Uh.

- Who can't find their way home?

Oh, that's it. That's the one,

that's right there.

Great job. (CONTINUES SINGING)

with an attitude ♪

You know, thank you so much,

and happy retirement.

Oh, it's locked.

- Sorry.

- (LOCKS CLICK OPEN, DOOR BEEPING)

Thank you.

Congratulations.

Ooh, must be the money ♪

Shhh.

(CAR DRIVING AWAY)

Noo.

(KNOCKS SOFTLY)

(DISTANT DOG BARKING)

Yes!

(GRUNTING)

(BAG THUDDING)

(SING-SONG) Must be the money!

It's gotta be the money.

- (THUDS)

- (GROANS) f*ck!

- (GROANING)

- Don't you f*cking move!

Wha Oh, my God. Danny, it's just me.

- (FOOTSTEPS THUDDING UPSTAIRS)

- Shhh.

Jesus, Clare! sh*t, you had me

I was all about to call the cops!

CLARE: Why?

DANNY: What are you doing?

What are you wearing?

CLARE: Oh, I borrowed it.

It was, um It's Hawaiian themed.

I didn't have my keys, and then I

The window was

- And it went so late.

- You're drunk.

Is there chicken? 'Cause it

smells chicken-y in here.

Yeah, we had chicken. Six hours ago.

Ugh. Ugh.

Mmm. Mm.

Aah.

Ah.

There were toasts and speeches

and, ugh, it's all so tragic, you know?

It's like 43 years of work

just whittled down

to a tray of bacon-wrapped pineapple skewers

and Retire-Mints. Get it?

RAE: Mom?

Oh, hey! Frankie, sweetie.

- Rae.

- Hey, hon. You wan You want some mints?

No. No one wants mints. Ever.

(SCOFFS)

So there's no chicken?

We ate all the f*cking chicken, Clare.

Why are you here?

Whoa! Okay.

Why is everyone being such assholes?

What's going on?

Are you back?

Wha Huh?

RAE: Well, I thought that you

weren't supposed to be here

or something.

Oh.

(MOANING)

Why am I eating this?

Because you literally took the wheel

when we drove past

Well, you shouldn't have let me.

Shouldn't have let me.

You cannot tell Frankie.

It's Rae.

I hate calling her that.

But she's right, though,

because they are horrible to gay people.

q*eer people. Sorry.

But it isn't just their h*m*.

It's it's Really, it's, like,

look here, it's all this crap

that's just gonna be floating

on the planet forever.

You know, wedged into the

nostril of some innocent turtle.

But (MOANS)

the butter and the pickles, it's just

Fucckk!

- And those damn waffle fries.

- Ooh.

So good.

Yeah. It's what makes it all so hard.

Everything good turns out to be bad.

(CHUCKLES)

You're welcome.

You kicked me out. You want a "thank you"?

You do realize you're not the victim?

Well, neither are you, Danny.

- That's great.

- CLARE: Neither are you!

- All right. Absolutely great.

- Yeah, great, great. Thank you!

(DRINK SPLASHES)

(PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING)

My life is a mess, Sugar.

My daughter hates me.

My husband kicked me out a few nights ago,

and he thinks I'm crashing on

my best friend's couch,

but I'm not.

I'm sitting on her stoop

waiting for an Uber Pool.

♪

Wondering how the hell

my life ended up here,

looking for comfort

from a woman I don't even know.

And also wondering,

has anyone ever written in

to offer comfort to you?

Then I told my mom,

"Bitch, college is for pussies.

All that money to graduate for what?"

- (BOY CONTINUES TALKING)

- CLARE: I read your response

in this week's column,

and one sentence

buried deep within your advice

compelled me to write.

It was a sentence about

your sister and her cancer.

MALE PASSENGER: I just paid

for a blow job in Bit coin.

CLARE: I'm sorry that she d*ed

too young and too soon.

Oh, wait. This is good.

Wait. Stop, stop, stop.

MALE PASSENGER: Cool pad.

(DEVICE BEEPS)

CLARE: But that's the thing about grief,

you can't cry it away or eat it away

or punch it away.

It's just there,

and you have to survive it.

You have to endure it.

You have to live with it,

which is the hardest thing in the world.

(KEYBOARD CLICKING)

I was 22 when my mother was diagnosed.

FRANKIE: Everyone, ready?

- Yes.

- YOUNG LUCAS: Yes.

Clare Marie Pierce

is an award-winning essay writer

and soon-to-be college graduate with a 4.0,

who is committed to summiting

- Machu Picchu over spring break!

- Mexico!

Come on out, Clare!

- (BOTH CHEERING)

- (DOG BARKING)

And now, a high school senior

who cannot get a tattoo until he graduates,

no matter how compelling his argument,

- and who's

- Is still a virgin!

YOUNG LUCAS: Stop saying that.

worn the same T-shirt

for four days running

and appears to have

no intention of taking it off!

- Get out here, Lucas!

- YOUNG CLARE: Lucas!

(BOTH CHEERING)

Yeah.

Are we ever gonna be too old for this?

We'll be doing this when I'm 80.

- YOUNG CLARE: Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas.

CLARE: And lately, I keep playing our last

Christmas together

- over and over in my mind.

- (KEYBOARD CLICKING)

FRANKIE: Me first.

Me first.

I get to go first.

Ooh.

YOUNG LUCAS: Oh, no way!

Is it vintage or something?

I knew you wanted one.

It was your father's.

He sent it?

I refurbished it.

- (TOOL CLATTERS)

- Lucas, don't be a little sh*t.

Somebody gives you something, you take it.

You take it.

I'm not the one who's ever

wanted anything from him.

It's okay. He doesn't have to.

All right, you go ahead, honey.

Jess said that you needed one.

And I thought that it would

be great for New York.

Do you like it?

Yeah, I love it.

Uh I do. I I love it.

(MOCKINGLY) You do? You love it?

Hey.

Uh, it's It's long

and subs substantial.

I thought it was unique.

I just wonder, does it

Does it make more sense to get black?

Because it's dirty in New York,

and it'll probably last longer.

And it's it's probably easy to exchange.

Sure. Sure. You should have

what you want, honey.

CLARE: I hope, in your sister's death,

you'll be able

to do something that I haven't.

- (KEYBOARD CLICKING)

- Create something of her life.

Make it beautiful.

And then, please, tell me how you did it.

Love, Clare.

♪

(CLARE SIGHING)

- (CLARE SIGHING)

- (RESIDENTS INDISTINCT CHATTERS)

CLARE: Uh, that can come down.

SHAN: You were so wasted last night.

How are you even walking this morning?

CLARE: I don't know, Shan.

Somehow I stagger on,

despite fielding the vitriol

of an entitled millennial.

SHAN: I mean, literally walking.

When you fell off the stage

after Me and Bobby McGee,

I thought you, like,

broke a hip or something.

Would you just take the f*cking

sign down, Shan? Thank you.

Oh, Bev's daughter wanted you

to come by. Room 19.

She told me it was urgent.

- When?

- Like, an hour ago.

(CLARE SCOFFS)

(CLARE SIGHS) Dammit.

SHAN: And I'm a Zoomer.

CLARE (SOFTLY): Morning.

CLARE: Krystal, I'm so sorry

to keep you waiting.

I just got your message.

- Did you sleep in here last night?

- Uh

My mom said the admissions lady

slept here last night.

I know that you get lonely sometimes.

And even though you know

that I can't sleep in here,

I will always keep you company

and make sure you're feeling cozy

and all tucked in, right?

- Right?

- Mmm.

(WHISPERING) It's the Alzheimer's.

- MAN: There you go.

- Thank you.

Gentleman. Hm.

- What?

- Wow.

CLARE: Oh, my God!

Sam! What're you doing here?

- SAM: Oh, it's been

- CLARE: Been forever! sh*t!

- You look great!

- Wha Oh.

- Wait, when was the last time

- I don't know!

Was it, uh, Bread Loaf?

Uh, uh, City Lights. Hannah's reading.

Oh, f*ck! Yeah.

Aah. Wait, are you still at,

uh, uh, The Believer?

No. They folded in March.

But I left for The Mantros years ago.

Oh, I love The Mantros.

Essays Dear Sugar

I know! I got your fan letter last night!

You wrote into Dear Sugar.

I'm Sugar.

I'll explain. Do you want to go somewhere?

Do you still not drive?

An advice column is easy clicks.

But who who wants to get advice

- from some middle-aged White dude?

- I've literally been reading

this column for the last three months,

and it's f*cking you?

- How can it be you?

- I'm detecting some disdain here.

Well, you're pretending to be a a woman?

- I know. I know!

- What?

I am living a lie.

But then you wrote in.

And I saw your name

and I remembered your writing

and the essay That f*cking essay.

And I realized that this woman

that I'm pretending to be,

you know, working class,

pulled herself up by her bootstraps,

- kinda disheveled

- Okay.

- She's literally you!

- Okay. Okay.

- Okay, just take a left at Elm.

- You should be

the one doing this.

Doing what?

- Being Sugar!

- What? No.

I mean, it doesn't pay.

And And, you know,

there's no credit 'cause it's anonymous.

But I would be your point.

And all you have to do is answer,

like, one letter a week and

Sam, stop it.

I'm not giving anybody advice.

My life is a f*cking sh*t show!

And I

I'm not a writer!

You're one of the best writers I know.

You didn't get a book deal

off of that essay for nothing.

Doesn't count if you don't write the book.

Everything counts, Sugar.

Don't call me that!

I'm sorry about your sister.

Clare, I don't have

a f*cking sister. I made it up.

You made up someone having f*cking cancer?

Take a right.

SAM: Yes, I made it all up!

- (CLARE SCOFFS)

- SAM: This is why I need you!

Oh, you are the worst, Sam!

I can't believe I almost ever

slept with you. Pull over!

- SAM: What are you doing?

- CLARE: I'm I'm getting out.

Wait, what do you mean, "almost"?

We never slept together? Why not?

'Cause you're an assh*le.

Oh, so you're done with me now? That's it?

I have therapy. Thank you for the ride.

- What? You're an assh*le!

- Okay, fine.

SAM: No, no, no, no. Here. Wait. I

I printed out the letters

that I didn't answer

because I can't (MUMBLES)

Just read 'em.

And if you want, just answer one.

(CLARE LAUGHS)

Everyone's lives are a f*cking sh*t show!

People, they need help.

You said it yourself,

"Create something of her life.

Make it beautiful."

EMPLOYEE: Let me see if I can help you.

Did you happen to save the receipt?

I did not save the receipt.

It was final sale.

EMPLOYEE: I I can try to look it up.

FRANKIE: I appreciate that.

EMPLOYEE: I may need to talk

to my supervisor.

- Did it work out?

- Mm-hmm.

- It's okay?

- It's okay.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

You're late.

I'm actually two minutes early

'cause she's always five minutes late, so.

- (PHONE DINGS)

- CLARE: (SOFTLY) Now,

make sure that's off.

Who is it?

- Hmm?

- DANNY: (SCOFFS) Lucas again?

MEL: I'm glad you both are

choosing to be here today.

I know, in the past, that hasn't

always been the case.

This feels like a particularly

hard moment in your marriage.

I think a lot has been said.

And maybe a lot hasn't been said.

Yeah. No, um, I I feel that same way.

Honestly, it's, um

Uh

Yeah.

Jung once said,

"I am not what has happened to me.

I am what I choose to become."

Does that bring up anything for you, Clare?

No.

How long am I supposed

to stay out of my own home?

Well, how long do you think you

need to stay out of your home?

What are we doing?

What is this space supposed to accomplish?

Or is it just, like,

one long, torturous experiment

to slowly turn my own daughter against me?

It was her college fund!

Part of. That he will pay back!

You just gave it away

without even talking to me!

What? You just thought I wouldn't notice?

CLARE: What did you want me to f*cking do?

Leave him homeless?

It was our childhood home!

It's my mother's house!

He lives there! And it was under water.

Yeah, because he f*cked up.

Yeah, he fucks up all the time!

Yeah, he does f*ck up all the time and

Yeah, fine, fine!

But family takes care of family.

I'm it for him. What would you do?

Would you leave me on the f*cking street?

Oh! (SCOFFS)

MEL: Clare, have you ever heard

of the phrase

"financial infidelity"?

Oh, my God.

MEL: It can be as destabilizing

and damaging as sexual

infidelity. Even more so.

Yeah. Okay. That's not even

in the same ballpark,

- 'cause there's no betrayal here.

- Right.

- I needed to take care of my brother.

- (DANNY SCOFFS)

Yeah, when you do something wrong, it's

It's different rules.

This is not about rules.

Not everybody comes from

where you come from,

- or just or, you know,

- DANNY: Jesus, this.

Starts life with an even playing field.

I'm a Black man in America. I know people

don't come from

an equal playing field, Clare.

That's not what I mean.

I'm talking about being rich!

- I grew up middle class.

- Yeah, that's rich.

What do you want me to say?

My brother's a f*ck-up. I'm a f*ck-up.

Okay, I'm an awful person.

I'm awful. I'm horrible. That's it.

I don't know what to say.

I don't know what to f*cking say.

Let's just start

with how you're feeling, hm?

I am feeling hungry. I am feeling tired.

I'm feeling like a shell of a person.

- Like I'm staring into an abyss

- I get it.

I mean, I'm not there yet,

but I think it's really common

for women your age to feel this way.

You've spoken before

about your insecurities

with getting older and

I thought we were talking

about me giving money to my brother.

And with the age gap

- between you and Danny

- It's not that big.

MEL: And the way our society

treats women over 50 as irrelevant

- I'm 49!

- You'll be 50 in a month.

Women over 50 are treated

as if they are barely sexual beings.

Their beauty is fading, or at least

our conventional ideas of beauty.

Because of that, their power wanes.

Their wants and desires are

considered as an afterthought.

Okay.

(KEYS JINGLE)

(OFFICE CROWD CHATTERING)

(ELEVATOR WHIRLING)

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGING)

- Oh.

- (DOOR CLOSES)

(MUFFLED CONVERSATION)

(DANNY SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

♪

- (BAR MUSIC PLAYING)

- (PATRONS LAUGHING, CHATTERING)

I mean, it's therapy!

It's not office hours.

You don't stick around after class!

You know, that's like a cesspool

full of bacteria, right?

Okay, why don't you ask your hot

dishwasher to clean it out?

Oh, well, maybe I will.

- Hello.

- MACARIO: There you go.

Oh, my God!

AMY: Thank you. (LAUGHING)

Jesus Christ, Amy!

(AMY SNICKERING)

I'm naughty!

Uh, are they having sex?

They Do they wanna have sex?

Is couple's therapy some,

you know, sick psycho foreplay

where they're just telepathically

jerking each other off in front of me?

And is my insurance paying for it?

AMY: Oh, my God!

Maybe I should be a couple's therapist.

CLARE: I mean, I'm the one who found her!

He didn't even wanna go!

And now he's like, what He's what?

He's, like, f*cking some woman

who decorates her office with

gnomes grabbing their

own weird stone vaginas?

Okay. Danny loves you.

He's not f*cking his therapist

or any stone, uh, vaginas, okay?

She called me barely a woman.

Am I barely a woman?

I mean, she probably said it to get laid.

- Thanks, Amy.

- AMY: Hi there.

(CAR ENGINE)

(CAR BREAKS SQUEAKING)

Thanks.

(CAR DOOR CLOSES)

Hey.

Hey.

- (SOFTLY) Hey.

- ("CANNONBALL" BY THE BREEDERS PLAYING)

(MOANING)

Spitting in a wishing well ♪

Blown to hell, crash ♪

(YOUNG CLARE MOANING)

I know you're a real cuckoo ♪

- (YOUNG CLARE EXHALES SHARPLY)

- (RUMBLING)

- (CLARE GRUNTING) Okay.

- ZACH: I can't get it in.

CLARE: No, it's because, uh

It's it's The angle is wrong

- Okay, yeah, maybe we Yeah, let's go.

- Yeah.

(SQUISHING)

What the f Wait,

what the f*ck is happening?

Wait, is this a waterbed?

Oh, my God! (LAUGHING) Oh, my God.

Am I in 1979?

Am I in a Am I trapped

in a f*cking Steely Dan song?

Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- What?

(CLARE LAUGHING AND CRYING)

Oh.

- Oh, my God.

- ZACH: Are you okay?

(CLARE CRYING)

I am not okay.

Wait, are you married?

- What the

- The ring on your finger?

Are you gonna f*cking judge me?

You have a f*cking waterbed!

So?

(CLARE EXHALES SHARPLY)

ZACH: And I like Steely Dan.

Well, they're a great band.

- (GATE MOTOR)

- (DISTANT DOG BARKING)

(PHONE CHIMES)

♪

(BUS ENGINE)

(DEEP BREATH)

WOMAN: Dear Sugar,

I'm 22, and my question is short.

What would you tell your 20-something self

if you could talk to her now?

Love, Seeking Wisdom.

♪

CLARE: Dear

Dear

Dear Seeking Wisdom.

What would I tell my 22-year-old self?

I'd say, stop worrying whether you're fat.

Feed yourself, literally.

The people worthy of your love

You look happy.

CLARE: will love you more for this.

I'd also say that most things

will be okay eventually,

but not everything.

One afternoon in your 20s,

when you've gotten yourself ridiculously

tangled up with heroin,

you'll be riding the bus and thinking

what a worthless piece of sh*t you are.

A little girl will

get on the bus with her mother,

holding the strings of two purple balloons.

She will offer you one of the balloons,

but you won't take it

because you believe

you no longer have a right

to such tiny beautiful things.

You're wrong.

You do.

EMPLOYEE: That's $127.62. I'm so sorry.

CLARE: And someday, you'll look

back on that one Christmas,

when your mother gave you

a mustard-yellow coat

that she'd saved for months to buy.

♪

Don't hold it up and say it's longer than

you like your coats to be,

and too puffy, and possibly even too warm.

Because your mother

will be dead by spring

(DOOR OPENS)

and that coat will be the

last gift she ever gave you.

RAE: Are you okay?

I love you. (SNIFFLES)

You know that, right?

Ab About the money,

it's it's not gone.

It's not about the money.

Then what?

Do you want me to bring that in?

CLARE: And you will regret

the small thing you didn't say

for the rest of your life.

RAE: Have a good night.

You too.

When a gift is given,

say "thank you".

Mom?

You dropped something.

CLARE: When a gift is given,

say "thank you".

When a gift is given

(DOOR CLOSES)

Thank you.

♪

I'm trying to tell you

something 'bout my life ♪

Maybe give me insight

between black and white ♪

And the best thing

that you ever done for me ♪

Is to help me

take my life less seriously ♪

It's only life after all ♪

I went to the doctor ♪

I went to the mountains ♪

I looked to the children ♪

I drank from the fountains ♪

There's more than one answer

to these questions ♪

Pointing me in a crooked line ♪

And the less I seek my source ♪

The closer I am to fine ♪

Closer I am to fine ♪

Closer I am to fine ♪