03x18 - Stigma

[bunniefuu]

Previously on SWAT...
17-year-old Raymont Harris

was accidentally sh*t
by team leader Buck Spivey.

I spent my life
serving this city,

and I undid everything
I had accomplished

with a single mistake.

We're looking to launch
a private security firm.

I've struggled a bunchsince leaving SWAT.

I mean, this could be
big for me.

All right, let's do this.

Where does Buck fit
into all this?

He can't be the name
or face of this company.

You can.

Concert promoter's pissed.

He hasn't been able
to reach Buck all day.

So what happens to Buck?

Most times, I...

I work stuff out by talking
to my family or friends.

I know they have my back.

And that keeps me grounded.

But...

...today's the first time I feltlike I really needed this.

Because of what happened.

Yeah.

That really sucked.

Maybe it'd be easier
if we talk about it,

from the beginning.

It started with Hondo.

We're sorry.

The voice mailbox
you've reached is full.

Everything okay, babe?

Yeah, a pipe burst overnight
at the community center.

Got to get in and see
how bad the damage is.

You got a sump pump
you keep handy?

Oh, I'm fresh out, boo.

I swear that place is gonna
drive me to bankruptcy.

It's always something.

Yeah, I know the feeling.

What's up?

I just can't get ahold of Buck.

Your old team leader?

Something wrong?No one's seen him in a few days.

And Deacon mentioned
something was off about him,

and now he's not answering
anybody's calls.

Quick trip to Vegas maybe?I don't know.

He's fell off the grid like thisa couple times before

when something was wrong,
so I'm just gonna

stop by his place and check in.

I think you should.

Love you.

Bye.

All right, Buck keeps
a spare key around back.

That's what got me in the last
time I was worried about him.

Buck?

You home?

Check the rooms and the garage.

Yeah.

No sign of him.

Car's gone, too.

Man, I know Buck likes to throwa few back, but this is...

it's a lot.

His phone's dead.

Found these in the bedroom.
Sleeping pills.

Rest of the rooms
look like this one?

Yeah.

Looks like the last
couple of calls

went to an Owen Bennett
yesterday.
Yeah.

That's our business partner
at the private security firm.

There's only one other call
to a 1-800 number.

You have reached

the National su1c1de
Prevention Lifeline,

also servicing
the Veteran's Crisis Line.

If you are in emotional distressor suicidal crisis

or are concerned about
someone who might be,

we're here to help.

Please remain on the...How long was the call?

It says one minute, which meansit could've been less.

He might've justcalled and hung up.g*n safe's empty, too.

Get ahold of
the rest of 20-Squad.

We got to track Buck down now.

How do you plan on doing that?I'm not sure.

But I got a real bad feeling

we don't have time
to get it wrong.

Dad used to hate it
when Captain McClintock

made him do these sessions.

Why's that?He thought they were B.S.

That anyone who needed therapy
wasn't fit to be a cop.

He used to tell me, "How can youtrust somebody to have your back

when they don't even havetheir own issues squared away?"

I see hundreds of officersevery year, Luca.

Do you feelthat way about them?

No.

I mean, I get why we do it now.

Especially after
a day like today.

Well, Buck was old school
like my pops.

He didn't like talking
to the cop shrink, either.

Maybe it would've helped him.

Has what happened today
given you second thoughts

about getting back
into the field?

Nah, I can't wait
to get back out there.

But I'd be lying if I said
I wasn't worried.

Hmm.

I mean, what if I can't?

I already failed
one fitness test.

I thought it was
because of my hip.

What if it's really...

up here, you know?

That's not so easy to fix.

Is losing SWAT
something you're afraid of?

For as long as SWAT's existed,

there's always been
a Luca on the team.

Without it...

I don't know who I am.

Maybe that's how Buck felt, too.

Hey, what's the word, Hondo?

Buck's been AWOL for 48 hours

and we think he might behaving suicidal thoughts.

Put the word out with patrols,
some of his old metro buddies.

They're gonna reach out
if they locate him.

Hopefully, it's not too late.What? What's that
supposed to mean?

Buck's not here andwe don't know where he's headed.

Yeah, well, that's why
we need to find him.We will. Buck will be fine.

We ain't gonna find Buck

just standing around here,
so let's plan this out.

All right, Chris and I
can go talk to Owen.

Last two calls he
made were to him.

Tan, I want you to check
and see if Buck stopped

at any of his favorite haunts
around town.

You know the places.Yeah.

Street and I will try to find
Buck's ex-wife Jenny,

see if he reached out to her.

Luca, you sit on his housein case he comes home.

All right, be careful.We think Buck is armed

and he may be drinking.

That's a scary combination.

And keep your phones close.
Rocker and Becker's teams

are up today,
but we're on call in case

anything else
pops off in the city.

Let's get it done.Okay.

Got your voice mail.

It sounded urgent.

Did Buck stop
by here today?

Yeah.
To resign from the company.

When?A few hours ago.

It was strange. He apologized.

Said that he's been letting meand the company down,

that he needed to resignand get out of our way.

Yeah, his work has beenslipping, but I would've got him

back on track, talked
him out of quitting.I tried.

But he insisted.

Did he say anything about
what he was doing

or where he was going?

No, nothing.

Work aside,

Buck's a friend.

Is he okay?

Hondo, Jim.

Long time.

It's nice
to see you, Jenny.

Did something happen to Buck?

You say that likeit wouldn't be a surprise.

Well, would it be?

He's been drinking, a lot.

Avoiding us,
not answering calls.

How bad is it, honestly?

Jenny, we're worried
that he might hurt himself.

Have you seen him lately?

Did he reach out at all?

He stopped by
a couple of nights ago,

but I wasn't home.

He left me a vinyl record:

"Got to Give It Up"
by Marvin Gaye.

Whenever we heard that song,

he'd pull me up
and we'd start dancing.

Bars, restaurants,
down the middle

of the ice cream aisle
at the store.

That was a different Buck,
though, different times.

He's just going through
a rough patch right now.

You really don't know, do you?

After Buck left SWAT,

we tried to reconcile,
save our marriage.

He'd always had his struggles,

but it got worse after
the Raymont Harris sh**ting.

Anxiety, depression,

mood swings.

Sometimes he couldn't
sleep at all

unless he got blackout drunk.

You've heard ofsleepwalking?

Some nights, he'd tryto arrest me in his sleep.

Accidentally bounced my head onthe nightstand a couple times.

I couldn't stay around anymore.

I tried to get him to talk
to somebody, get some help.

But he was too worried about
how it would look,

the great Buck Spivey
seeming weak.

I still hate that sound.

Yeah, I can't say we're a bigfan of it either right now.

Barricade with hostages.

Rocker and Becker can't respond.We're up.

Thanks.Hondo.

Call me if you find him,
either way.

I will.

All right, Luca,I got unis out looking for him,

a BOLO on his truck.

I'll let you and Hondo know
as soon as I spot him.

Keep me updated
on your end.

Alicia Baldwin.

Commander Robert Hicks.

Lawyer?

I've been told
you have a situation,

so I'll cut to the chase.

I'm here to see
Sergeant Daniel Harrelson.

Regarding what?

I'm here on behalf of my client,

who values anonymity
and total privacy.

I've been instructed to onlyspeak with Sergeant Harrelson.

Well, he's out on
the job right now

and he won't be back
for quite some time.

Oh, I'll just wait for him
here if you don't mind.

This isn't a Starbucks.

Even so.

Hey, you're first with
metro on the scene.

Burrows.
So what's the situation?

Looks like a
robbery gone bad.

One armed suspect inside,
about ten hostages,

at least one wounded.

Unis didn't get a good look.As soon as they arrived,

suspect took a couple
sh*ts at them,

barricaded the front,
pulled the blinds.

He make any demands?Nothing coherent.

Guy's high as hell.
I'm guessing meth.

So unstableand unpredictable.

Hondo and Streetjust got here.

They're gearing upon the four side.

All right,
let's get eyes inside,

find our best entry,get these hostages out alive.

25-David to 20-David.

I got six hostagesin a back room on the two side.

Suspect's got a wound
to his left leg.

He's on the move.

I've got eyes now.

Suspect's in the dining area,
the one side.

I count eight more hostages
in the one-four corner

of the dining room;
that makes 14 total.

I see the wounded hostage.
Doesn't look good.

Then we need to move fast.

LAPD!Get on the ground now!

Street, Chris, coming your way.

Don't move!

Code 4.

Suspect in custody.

Heard from Hondo.

We're a Code 4 on the
hibachi grill sh**t.

Friend of yours?Hardly.She couldn't have

picked a worse possible dayto show up, though.

I haven't hada spare moment

to figure outwhat the hell she wants.

Well, I did some digging.

She's not just some
ambulance chaser.

She's a power hitter.

She's a junior partner
at Cordero-Lask.

Someone's paying her800 bucks an hour

just to sit on her ass?

Something doesn't add up.

Then how about
we check her math?

So,

what on earth could
Cordero-Lask want

with Metro SWAT?

My business is strictlywith Sergeant Harrelson.

But you know he isn't here.

Well, still,my client is insistent

on resolving this matterquickly, so I'll wait.

I'm about two secondsfrom kicking you out of here.

Have I done something wrong?

I'm here to speakwith Sergeant Harrelson,

not SWAT or the LAPD.

You go after one of my officers,you go after all of SWAT.

Alicia, is this super
secret task of yours

going to involve litigationfor Sergeant Harrelson or SWAT?

No. This is a personal matter,

one my client would preferto keep out of the press.

Well, it would've beena lot easier

if you just said thatin the beginning.

We're still
interviewing hostages,

but already got bad news.

The restaurant sh**t

started as a botched robberywith two gunmen.

The other sh**t fledbefore LAPD arrived.

So there's a second
sh**t still out there.

Any I.D.?None yet.

I got my guysreviewing security footage,

running down leads.

I'll loop SWAT back inwhen we have anything.

Okay.

Tell me something good, Luca.

Think I got something here
at Buck's place.

I just found some paperwork
to a storage unit.

Got off the phone
with the manager.

He said Buck's car
is parked there right now.

Where is it?Near Downtown.
I just told Hondo.

Text the address.
We'll meet you there.

Buck's truck.

No Buck.

What's his storage
unit number?

Unit A308.

I see it. Right here.

Tan, open it up.

He's got to be someplace close.

All right, Luca, Tan,
check the office.

See if the manager saw
him go anywhere. Go.

This receipt
is from this morning.

You ever known Buck to drop
$300 on a bottle before?

No. He never spent a pennyover 15 bucks for a haircut.

Motor oil. Fresh.

This is wherehe kept his Harley.

I never knew he rode one.

Uh, he didn't, really.It was a collectible

he liked working on.'46 Knucklehead.

He was tinkeringwith that thing constantly.

Said it helped him de-stress.

So, he's drinking, drivinga bike he's not used to riding.

If he crashes with some car,
it's just gonna look

like another
drunk driving accident.

Let's go.

Losing a loved one
is never easy.

Yeah, well, uh,

I've had plenty of experience
with that by now.

One way or another,

people always leave.

I'm sorry.

It's okay. I can deal with it.How?

How do you deal with it?

By putting it on a shelf.

Coming back to it later
when I'm ready.

Mm, that sounds like...

Compartmentalization?

Yeah, I, uh,
I skimmed enough of the DSM

to know
it's a common coping strategy.

It comes with risks.

Do you know what happens

when you don't deal
with those issues

and the mental boxes
you put your feelings in

start to overflow?

According to the manual,

anxiety, depression, addiction.

Or worse.

You could find yourself
in Buck's shoes.

Buck always called me
on my birthday.

Every year. He never missed it.

My own mother,
she forgot more than once.

Today

was the first time I thought,

"What's it gonna be like

when I don't get that call
ever again?"

Commander, I need a wordwith you in private.

Not now.

My office.

Who was that?We'll dealwith her later.

What's the latest on Buck?

Buck dropped $300 on a
bottle of scotch today, sir.

He didn't use cash.
We got to find him soon.

You want me to track
his credit cards.

So we can locate him in casehe makes another purchase.

It's not exactly
by the book.

Well, throw out the book.For Buck.

Did you ever work with
a Sergeant Geremias

out of Rampart?

No.

I worked patrol
with him way back.

Funniest guy to ever
don the uniform.

He was always laughing and
joking about something.

Nobody saw it coming.

k*lled himself in his
garage two years ago.

His wife found him.

It was his son's
fifth birthday.

I've been to too many
cops' funerals already.

I'll find a way to cut corners
and track his credit cards.

You bring Buck home.

RHD just got a line

on the second sh**t
from the restaurant robbery.

Rocker and Becker's
squads are still tied up

at the barricade at K-town.
20-Squad's got this.

All right, RHD identified
the second sh**t

as Aaron Darby.

LKA is an apartmentin Arleta.

Any relation to the dude
Street and I pancaked earlier?

Tweaker twins.And they've got

matching recordsfor drug possession.

Bet the restaurant
was a cash grab

for their next big score.Yeah.

We're gonna make sure this is

their last score
for a long time.

Hey. I talked to Hicks.

We'll know the moment
Buck uses his credit card.

For now, we stay focusedon the job.

We keep it loose.

LAPD!

Give me a two!Two!

Two! Two!Two, two, two, two, two!

Clear!Clear!

Give me a two!

Kitchen clear!

This is 20-David to Command.

All clear.
No sign of Darby.

I got something. b*llet holes.

Looks like the sh*ts

came from the other side
of the wall.

There were no reportsof sh*ts fired.

May have happened
a while ago.

Any record of a female occupantat this address?

No, only Darby.

What?I.D. lists this address.

Just a different unitin the building.

Purse looks stolen.

Darby could still be hidingnext door. Let's move.

20-David to Command.We got signs of forced entry.

g*nshots from the
adjacent unit.

Suspect may be inside.

Making entry.

Clear!

Closet clear.

Get out of here.

I'll call it in.

Victor.

Victor?

What was it about that stuffed
animal that caught your eye?

It reminded me of a teddy bear

that I got my niece
a couple years ago.

Yeah, she loved that thing.

Called it her Rexy Bear.

And all I could do
was picture my niece

lying in that baby's place.

And think about
how badly I wanted to k*ll

the bastard who did that
to that mom and kid.

It's completely normal
to feel that way

given what you witnessed today.

And we could tell by the way
their bodies were...

that the mom d*ed trying
to protect her little girl.

My girlfriend Bonnie--

we talk about getting married,
having kids.

But on days like this, I...

We see a lot of heinous crap.

And I can brush most of it off,but...

what we saw today,

that's gonna stay with me.

Have you thought about exploringthese feelings with Bonnie?

I don't want to put that on her.

You know,
it's not fair to dirty her up

with the worst stuff I see
on this job.

So how do you usually cope?

On bad days,usually go to my gym after work.

Play pickup ball
till I can't feel my legs.

I can't really explain it,
but it works.

That's healthier
than other options.

Do you want to talk about Buck?

Not really.

I think
I'll save that for the gym.

Just trying
to get the blood off.

Last I checked, soap
works better than steel.

Yeah.

All that...

for what?

So, uh, some junkie
can score some cash?

We should've beenin that house sooner.

Darby k*lled that family long
before we even knew his name.

Nobody could've stopped it.

No one?Not even a neighbor?

Or a coworker or-or a loved oneor-or the friggin' mailman?

Someone had to seeor hear something. Someone!

We can't save
everybody, Street.

Buck drilled that
into me from day one.

I know. Me, too.

How did we miss this?

How did we misshow much he was hurting?

He was too proud
to show us any signs.

Was he? Or did we justnot want to see it

'cause we don't want to dealwith-with our stuff head-on?

Straight out of the academy,
we are taught

not to wear our emotions
on our sleeves.

The last thing
you want is some bad guy

to see fear in your eyes
while you're on a b*at.

That is how you become a target.

Over time, you just get really
good at hiding everything.

Sometimes too good, I guess.

I just lost my brother.

I can't handlelosing Buck now, too.

That is why we have to find him.

Sergeant Harrelson,need a minute of your time.

I don't have a minute.

No one around here seems to.

My client would like to makea donation on your behalf.

A donation?Mm-hmm.

To who?To SWAT, or to a charityof your choice.

Who is the client?

I've been instructednot to say.

All right, you tell
your client to soldier up

and make the
decision himself.

It's a one million dollardonation.

Okay. What's this
really about?

I can't say,but I can guarantee

that this gesture comesfrom the best of places.

Hey, Hondo?

We got something.
Can I talk to you?

I'm sorry.
I can't accept.

Not until I know
who the client is and why

they are allegedly willing
to drop seven figures.

Trevor, see her out.We just got a hit

on Buck's credit cardat a diner out in Castaic.

You got a number
for the place?

Yeah, just sent it to you.

All right,
Deacon's the closest.

Get him the address,
tell him to get there ASAP,

and I'll meet him
as soon as I can.Yeah.

Okay.

Uh, Mr. Spivey, there's
a phone call for you.

What? That's, uh...
that's got to be a mistake.

No one knows I'm here.

He said it's
important.

Okay. Thanks.

Hello?

Buck.

I'm so glad to hear your voice.

Hondo, what do you want?

I'm just calling
to check in on you.

Yeah, it's, uh, not a good time.

Listen.

Just stay right there.

And I'll come see you, andwe can have that meal we've been

trying to schedule.

Rain check, okay?
I, uh, I got to go.

No, wait. Buck, wait.

Buck... are you thinking
about k*lling yourself?

Look, I never blamed you, Hondo,for anything.

I hope you know that.

No, Buck.

Buck!

Thanks, Gia.

You're welcome.

I was just hoping
we were wrong...

Buck was fine.

I didn't want it to be real.

But deep down,
I suppose, I, uh...

I knew he was struggling.

Denial is easier
than confrontation.

Confronting people is
part of the job description.

Mine, too.

But this wasn't
just anybody.

It was somebody you
loved and respected.

I was afraid of damaging
my relationship with Buck.

I thought he might hate me
if I brought it up,

and he'd think
I was calling him weak.

I just don't get
how he fell so far so fast.

I mean, what did I miss?

The Raymont Harris sh**ting?

His divorce?

The chronic pain?

Not being on SWAT anymore?

And the loneliness.

No one moment can
lead to self-harm.

It's a buildup of
many issues over time.

Physical and emotional traumas.

Buck saw more than
his fair share of trauma.

That's for damn sure.You all do.

Look at what youand your team experienced today.

A one-year-old with
a g*nsh*t wound to her face,

a mom trying to protect her,sh*t multiple times in the back.

I can't even think of
anything more awful.

Traumatic incidents like
that are part of the reason

why cops have elevated rates
of PTSD, depression...

And su1c1de.

I know we're more likely
to k*ll ourselves

than to die in the line of duty.

But how do we fix it?

I wish I had a simple answer forthat, but there just isn't one.

Deacon got to the dinerwithin minutes,

but there was no sign of Buck.

He must have leftright after he hung up.

I don't know. Maybe I screwed upby calling him.

He'd used his credit card.
He was already on his way out.

This way, he knows we're
looking for him and we care.

Or it might make him
go through with it faster.

These are the placesBuck used his credit card

in the last 24 hours:

the diner in Castaic,a gas station in Stevenson Ranch

and a liquor storein North Hollywood.

Okay, the storage
spot was right here.

Looks like he got the
booze, picked up his bike,

filled his t*nk on
the way to Castaic.

Hey, I justgot off the phone with Jenny.

Castaic Diner was Buck'sfavorite breakfast spot.

I knew I recognized it.

They stopped thereevery time they went camping.

At Castaic Lake. That's
where Buck loves fishing.

Castaic's only, like,
15 miles from that diner.

You think that's
where he's headed?

Get the coordinates to Deac.Street and I will meet him.

You got to be kidding.

A BOLO hit on Aaron Darby

at his cousin's place
in City Terrace.

Rocker and Becker's
squads still in K-Town.

20-Squad's still up.

All right, grabwhoever's available downstairs

to fill up the squad.

Let's go get this bastard.What about Buck?

We just got to have faiththat Deac's gonna find him.

LAPD!CHRIS: Go!

Stay down!Where's Darby?!

Get down!

Chris, upstairs. Move!

LAPD!

24-David! sh*ts fired.

Suspect's outside,
heading eastbound on foot.

25-David in pursuit!

26-David. Suspect over the wallinto the alley. Lost visual.

Stay on him. I'm on my way.

He jumped out in front of me.

Don't give me another reason
to pull this trigger.

Give me your hands.

Deacon, what do you got?

I found Buck.

I'm gonna engage.

I'll send you
the coordinates now.

Be there as fast as we can.

How's it going, Buck?

Had better days, Deac.

I hear that.

Me, too.

Something happen today thatmake you want to hurt yourself?

That's close enough.

I remember you talking
about this place.

It's beautiful.

It's a bit of a hiketo get up here.

I know this routine, Deac.

Build an empathy,
rapport, influence.

The Behavioral
Change Stairway?

I taught it to you.

Do you have a w*apon?

What do you think?

I need to know why
you want to k*ll yourself.

Well, because, Deac,

eventually, a man just
outlives his usefulness,

and then there's
just no point.

No point to what?

To pretending anymore, Deac,
just to any of it.

Buck, there's alwaysa point.

I'm here. Let's just... let's
just work this out together.

I've made up my mind, Deac.

You should go home
to Annie and the kids.

This is happening,and I don't want you to see it.

Go home, Deac.

I know things are bad right now.

I know, and I-I just, I...

I think I can help you
if you just talk to me.

Deac, I've been saying it
for the last 30 minutes, man.

I'm done talking.

I'm just done
talking, all right?

Please just go.

Please just...

You called in the cavalry?

Stop!Hey, hey.

If you're here to tell me
that I'm making a big mistake,

don't bother, all right?
You're wasting your time.

Buck, you are worth our time.

No, I'm not
worth your time.

I used to be.

You know, but now I'm just...

I'm a, I'm a shell
of myself, guys.

I mean, come on.
You see it.

You brought us into 20-Squad.

And it was you that taught us
you don't leave a man behind.

We're not gonna, we're notgonna start that today.

Oh, my 20-Squad's finished.
It's not me anymore.

Of course it is, Buck.
You're still one of us, man.

No, no, Hondo,
I'm not one of you.

I'm not one of
you guys anymore.

I was, I was barely
keeping it together

before I...
before I sh*t Raymont.

I lost, I lost my Jenny.

I lost SWAT.

I-I can't, I can't sleep.

My knees, my back, on fire.

Every day.

Everything just feels so...
just heavy.

I can't even count
the nights that I just

hope and I pray that the lightsup here would just go out,

you know, just so that the painwould just go away.

I'm tired, man.
I'm sick of it.

I'm sick of hoping and
I'm sick of waiting for this.

There's ways of getting better,man, and you know that.

I don't, I don't care.

I don't care
if there are, man.

I'm just... I'm done.

I'm done, Hondo.

I know you're in a lot of pain.

And that's why you can't seehow losing you is gonna hurt us.

You've been fine without me.

You'll be fine.

I won't.

Buck,

if you didn't come into my life,I don't know where I'd be.

I-I d-- I don't even know
if I'd be alive right now.

Buck, you are the closest thingI ever had to a father.

What about Lila and Matthew?

What am I gonna tell them when
they ask how their uncle d*ed?

What am I supposed to say?

You think that's a conversationI want to have?

So much of what we have achievedis because of you.

Don't do this to us.

Don't make us live in a world
without you.

I'm sorry.

Oh, it's okay.

I've set Buck up

with a colleague,
Dr. Kurt Derrian.

He's a former cop
turned psychologist.

He'll get Buck and
where he's coming from.

Sounds perfect.

Buck all set at home?

Well, the team's gonna be
staying with him in shifts,

keeping him company.Good.

It's a long road ahead, butwe'll get him the help he needs.

Chris is first up
for her psych debrief.

I'll see you for yours
in about an hour.

Yes, you will.

Finally.

Othella Baker.

Wait a minute.

You're her client?

I have to say, Sergeant,

I have never in my life
had so much trouble

giving away a million dollars.

Okay, I am really confused.What is going on here, exactly?

I was convinced I was
gonna die last week,

when that gunman had me
on the hotel rooftop.

Mm-hmm.

And then you saved me.

It was a team effort.

There was a lot of us
out there chipping in.

But it was your hand
that grabbed me,

kept me from falling.

You know that corny saying,
"Wake up and smell the roses"?

Well, I do that now.

One big whiff every morning,

and it makes my whole damn day.

I want to pay it forward.

You really don'thave to do that.

I know, but I'm going to anyway.

Now, I just need the name
of a worthy charity

that you believe in.

What's up, guys?

You missed all the fun.

There was three inches of waterwhen I got here.

Baby, I had plenty
of fun today myself.

Mmm.

Mmm.

How's Buck?

He's all right.

For now.

Here, let me
help you out.

It's gonna be about five grand
to fix the water damage.

Five grand, huh?

No idea how I'm gonnaraise the funds for it.

Maybe a cook-offor something.

I do make a mean chili gumbo.

Would a half a million dollars
do it?

Oh, yeah. I think
that'll cover most of it.

Baby, I am so serious.

About what?Tomorrow,

you are gonna get a check
from an anonymous donor

for $500,000

to this
community center.

It's gonna allow you
to do everything

you've been talking
about for these kids.

Are you for real right now?

As real as a heart att*ck.

Uh, wait a minute.

Who's giving us this money?

She made me promise
I wouldn't tell anybody.

"She"?Okay, oops, I've
already said too much.

You ain't getting
nothing else out of me.

Okay.

You better not be
playing with me here.

How the helldid this happen?

A million-dollar
donation is coming,

courtesy of someone
SWAT helped.

And half of it's going to the
LAPD su1c1de Prevention Fund.

And the other half
is coming right here.

Oh, my God.

There was a time
when I was lost,

and Buck helped me
get back on track.

You're doing the same thing forthe kids who come through here.

You're giving 'em
a sense of purpose,

of belonging.

It's important.

I know.

Maybe what you're doing
will make it easier for them

than it is for some of us.

Oh.

Honestly, I'm not a big fan
of debriefings.

People tend tocome to me with their problems,

not the other way around.

Who listens
when you have a problem?

My wife.

God.

Growing up Catholic,
you, uh...

you learn to roll
with the punches.

You don't complain.

So it's okay for others
to unload their feelings

but not you?

Seems like a bit
of a double standard.

Everything I say...

stays in this room?

Of course.

Seeing Buck today...

terrified me.

The fear of losing
someone you care about

can be paralyzing.

No.

It terrified me,

because, in that moment,

I understood exactly
where Buck was coming from.

I, uh...

I hit a low point last year.

There were...

money problems and...

family problems.

And I was working...

I was working my tail off.

I was exhausted all the time.

And, uh...

I just felt like

I was failing
everyone a-around me.

Like I was failing myself.

One day, I...

I looked at my g*n.

I saw a way out.

I just thought
it would be easier,

it'd be...

better for everyone around me,
somehow.

Do you still think about
taking your life, David?

No.

I don't. Not once... since then.

No.

And seeing Buck like that...

...in that dark place...

...made me realize
how much I have to lose.

I admire the courage it took
for you to tell me that.

Do you think...

You think maybe
we can make this a...

a semi-regular thing?

I'd like that.

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